Electric Interweb

A satirical computing blog. Yes.

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Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Yes! Like the severed hand of that scientist you murdered and buried out in the woods, Electric Interweb is back from the grave, bringing you gaming news and information the only way we can - completely made up!

So, you might me wondering why the site hasn't been updated in a while. But most likely, you don't actually care. And it's not like I'm going to tell you anyway; what, you think I owe you answers? Guess again, monkeyboy.

Five Fun Things To Do With Your X-Box Now You've Completed Halo

1) Attach it to the face of a shop dummy and then place the whole thing, dressed in a full-length black cloak, aboard a local bus to scare schoolchildren and old people.

2) Loan it to a local airfield to use in place of landing lights.

3) Use its incredible mass with a couple of other X-Boxes to create your own localised black hole.

4) Fix wheels to the bottom and use it as a rudimentary gokart.

5) Set the fucking thing in concrete and throw it in the bottom of the nearest river. Anything so you don't have to play Halo from beginning to end again. For the sixteen-billionth time.

Electric Interweb's Irony Corner

Whilst playing through the PC version of the game Enter The Matrix, I was amused to find an NVidia logo adorning an airport wall, accompanied by the message "The Way It's Meant To Be Played". It is to laugh. Perhaps someone could send Shiny a copy of Max Payne, along with the message "The Way It's Meant To Be Designed And Programmed". Hmm?

The arrival of Tomb Raider: Angel Of Darkness has been greeted with near-universal derision from critics and gamers alike. Angel Of Darkness, the three-hundredth game in the Tomb Raider series (at least, that's what it feels like), introduced new adult storytelling themes and a second playable character, but has been cricitised for being buggy, badly designed and generally about as much fun to play with as a German Shepherd with its testicles caught in a mousetrap.

If that's you, then you're an idiot. Yes, you heard me, an idiot. How dare you criticise Tomb Raider: Angel Of Darkness? How dare you? You obviously don't realise the huge amounts of effort that have gone into programming this game. Sure, the levels might be unimaginative, the controls unresponsive, the gameplay repetetive and the programming buggier than the contents of a beehive, but just look at those tits! Go on, look at them! They represent a breakthrough in electronic mammary simulation! They're magnificent. It's no wonder Core had no time to spend on the rest of the game; they must have spent years working on those tits alone. I think we should all cease our complaining and acknowledge the hard work and dedication that's gone into the creation of Lara Croft's stunning breasts. Core Designs, we salute you.

And anyway, the game shot to number one in the multiformat sales charts, so it must be good, right? Right? Anyone?

In other news, Hollywood is full of rumours that after the failure of the second Tomb Raider movie, Crock Of Shit (or something very much like it), actress Angelina Jolie is no longer interested in playing the role of Lara Croft. In the next film the role will be taken by Patrick Stewart and Richard O'Brien holding a mop.