A satirical computing blog. Yes.

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Saturday, June 14, 2003

“Edge” Editor Disappears Up Own Arse

Metaphor police “Alarmed”.

Journalist Dan Mather told us: “I was sitting at my computer writing an in depth article about how Japanese dating simulators are better than anything any western developer has ever produced ever when there was this weird noise from Justin’s office - kind’ve like a ‘pop’ backwards. We all rushed in to see what was going on, but he’d disappeared. He was just… gone. There was nothing left except for a list of deadlines and an incredibly pretentious article about the artistic metaphors inherent in the ouvre of modern computer games and how they relate to Lara Croft’s tits.”

Edges entire readership have sent emails of sympathy to the mag, and all of them will be printed in a special paragraph in the next issue.

“Security cameras show that Justin reached such a high level of anal retention - what we like to call the Pretension Event Horizon - that he was literally sucked up his own anus. It was not a pretty sight,” a Future spokesperson told us, adding “We lose more Edge editors that way…”

“Justin’s disappearance is a tragedy, but I think he’d be happy to know that his demise is a fitting metaphor for the consumption of the human element by the growing machine that is the modern games industry,” Mather told us. We punched him in the face.

In other news, politicians in the UK have vowed to pass a law making spam emails illegal. “There’s nothing worse than being subjected to unwanted advertising,” said MP Clarissa Dixon-Fungus yesterday. “It’s a subject I discuss further in my new book, which is in the shops now.”

Little-Known Computer Facts #19

But the most surprising anagram I found was of Enter The Matrix, which turns out to be an anagram of “Half-baked cash-in movie licence that could’ve used at least six more months in development, although there’s very little point in trying to polish a turd, and that will only sell to idiots who don’t care if their game is poorly designed, full of bugs, and generally about as much fun as inserting a rusty needle into your eyeball as long as it’s got the words ‘The Matrix’ somewhere in the title, stupid casual gaming fuckheads”. I’d never have guessed.

I just found out that Everquest is an anagram of Queer Vest. I can see I’m going to have hours of fun with this.

Meanwhile, on Delfino Island…

Sunday, June 8, 2003

All The Fun Of The Fair

Right, that’s that over and done with. Moving on…

Whatever Happened To..?

#1 : Dizzy

Who? : Ovoid star of annoying 8- and 16-bit platform/puzzle games.
And now: Contrary to rumours, Codemasters would love to produce a new next-generation Dizzy game. Unfortunately they are unable to do so due to the fact that, in 1998, Andrew Oliver ate the character with two rashers of bacon and a couple of sausages.

If the tabloids are to be believed, immersing our children in videogames will leave them dangerously ill-prepared for dealing with the problems of the real world. This is quite obviously nonsense. Videogames provide practical solutions to many problems you’ll encounter in day-to-day life. Here are a few examples:

Problem: Stuck in a traffic jam
Solution: Take the Carmageddon way out and plow your way through the traffic with scant regard for the safety of others, or even yourself. And don’t worry about hitting pedestrians - after all, they’re only zombies now.

Problem: Unruly children
Solution: Follow Turok 2’s example and simply lock the children in a cage surrounded by a moat of lava. This is rule number 3 in the Dinozoid Childcare Handbook. Rule number 2 is “Keep children away from sharp objects - unless it’s a Cerebral Bore, in which case feel free to drill their little brains out.”

Problem: Dying garden plants
Solution: Not everyone is blessed with green fingers, so don’t be surprised if your attempts to grow a pleasant little flower garden result in the production of a dry, barren wasteland littered with bleaching bones and tumbleweed. Luckily, as any Wind Waker fan will tell you, any ailing plants can be revived by the magical spring water from the Forest Haven. The problem is that getting there is slightly more difficult than popping out ot the local Garden Centre on a Sunday afternoon; you’ll have to brave treacherous seas, facing such trials as octopus attacks, pirates, and, worst of all, the mind-numbing, spirit-crushing tedium of staring at the bloody cel-shaded ocean for what seems like forever. Alternatively, whip out your Master Sword and do some pruning.

Problem: Street crime
Solution: Any potential mugger can be discouraged by the simple act of bludgeoning them senseless with a baseball bat. This method is also effective against unwanted prostitutes, and any sick thrill you derive from continuing to pummel their already lifeless bodies should be viewed as an added bonus.

Problem: Feeling unwell
Solution: Any injury, no matter how severe, can be cured by breaking open a nearby box or crate. First-person shooters have taught us that said box is almost certain to contain some sort of healing apparatus which, when used, will take immediate effect - none of that messy healing lark for us! You may be wondering who you have to thank for this helpful equipment. The answer, strangely enough, is the first-person-shooter bad-guy himself, whose thought processes seem to be:

“Should I move all my ammunition and equipment crates to a storage room and keep them safe under lock and key? No, that’ll waste precious time I could be using to rub my hands together and cackle. Let’s just leave them in the corridor instead - I’m sure any secret agents who come along will never think of looking in them for precious power-ups…”

Problem: No girlfriend
Solution: Thankfully, the internet contains millions of pictures and video clips, many of which are very reasonably priced, or even free, of exactly the kind of woman you’ll never be able to pull in real life. There’s also the added bonus that when you’ve splashed your seed across the face of your cold, hard, uncaring digital lover, you can curl up in the corner and cry at the realisation of how pathetic you are.

As you can see, videogames contain the solutions to all life’s problems, as long as you look hard enough for them. Follow our advice, and your life will become infinitely simpler. No, really. Life in prison is surprisingly uncomplicated.

Meanwhile, in a dark Mushroom Kingdom back alley…