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Monday, March 17, 2003
Electric Interweb V 2.0
Welcome to Electric Interweb v2.0. This blog has changed from a pointless round-up of websites I visit into a satirical computing blog. Because I like satire.
It’ll be updated… whenever. Don’t expect regular updates - I’m not The Onion, you know. For one thing, I’m not recycling my old material into lucrative coffee-table volumes. However, I shall try to add something at least once a fortnight. Possibly more. Probably not.
"Videogames Not Bad For You” Says Professor
“Yeah, Right,” Says Rest Of World.
Does playing video games make you more violent? It’s a question that for years has concerned slope-headed busybodies with too much time on their hands. Now, a study at a respected university aims to answer the question once and for all.
Dr Hillary Thompson, Professor of Social Studies at the illustrious Cheadle Polytechnic, has been carrying out an intensive study on the matter. He has been playing videogames for five hours a day for the past three months in order to study their effects on his psyche - and, perhaps surprisingly, he’s come out in favour of videogames.
“I have been playing Grand Theft Auto 3 every day for a quarter of a year,” Dr Thompson us. “And I have not shown any adverse effects whatsoever. In fact, I could well argue that my reactions are better now than they were before I began the tests. Whether or not that is actually the case, I can say without doubt that playing computer games has had no effect on me at all. No, please don‘t open that window - I‘m afraid of sunlight.”
Despite reports from his friends and relatives that he has become reclusive, paranoid and short-tempered, Dr Thompson continues to claim that he has felt no side effects from his long hours of exposure to violent gaming. “What, who said that? They’re all out to get me! I knew it! Aaaargh! I’m so angry! Get away! Get away from me, I want to be on my own!”
Speaking from what was formerly his office and is now a darkened room littered with empty snack food packets and discarded copies of PC Format, a maniacally grinning Thompson insisted that videogame violence had had no adverse effects on his mental health as he frantically clicked at his mouse, causing his onscreen persona to savagely batter the already prone body of a young woman with a baseball bat.
The videogames industry has come out in support of Thompson’s study. “Some people just can’t help over-reacting. A few years ago people thought that video games would lead to the collapse of civilised society - and that patently hasn’t happened” said noted games journalist Dan Mather, moments before being mugged for his wallet by an eight-year-old.
Dismissive of the study, the Government has launched its own probe into the matter. Claudette Cunningham, one of the Mps heading up the government’s study, told us: “This won’t be a whitewash; you can be sure that we will look at all the issues fairly and take all points of view into consideration. Only when we’ve weighed all the matters and judged the arguments for and against in an even-minded, subjective manner will we conclude that all videogames are evil.”
Videogame developer John Grabcock, head producer at Nasty Kitty Studios, disagrees. “The attitude seems to be that videogames producers are irresponsible for putting too much violence in games,” Grabcock told us. “But we take our responsibilities very seriously. We think it’s important that if we show violence, we also show the consequences of violence. For instance, in our next game, Slaughterion: The Dismembering of Katie Jones we show not only the violent act of kidnap and murder but also the consequence of that act.” When asked what that consequence is, Mr Grabcock told us: “You go on to the next level.”
“At the end of the day, it’s important to make a distinction between fantasy and reality. Computer games are a fantasy - the real world doesn’t work that way,” said Mr Grabcock, before eating a red-and-white-spotted mushroom, growing to twice his normal height and jumping down a drainpipe.
Number 1 - His face.
So, Nintendo have decided to launch the Gameboy Advance SP. This is a special version of the GBA, designed to appeal to mature gamers. To achieve this, Nintendo have designed the handheld in a silver brushed-metal finish, and made it so the screen flips up. You know, kind’ve like the screen on a laptop computer.
Oh, and in a move of sheer design genius, they’ve removed the headphone socket.
That’s right. Nintendo in their infinite wisdom have designed a mobile gaming device, designed for use while travelling, and not only have they made it look like a really cheap Palm Pilot but they’ve also removed one of the key components necessary to make the damned thing useful as a mobile gaming device. Genius! Now you only have the option of playing without sound or making a public nuisance of yourself wherever you go! Great! As a mature gamer, one of my most exciting gaming fantasies is to sit on a bus surrounded by increasingly hostile strangers, painfully aware that the savage beating I am about to endure will be soundtracked by a beepy, crackly, annoyingly repetitive mod-tune.
Following Nintendo’s design lead, Ford recently announced that they will make a car which is fully functional in every way but which has no doors. Do you see?
Meanwhile, at the Fujitsu-Seimens corporation…
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