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Monday, May 12, 2003

The Kingdom of The Blind

Admittedly, making fun of EA is like shooting fish in a barrel, but its no more than they deserve. They have a reputation, you see, and it’s not like they haven’t earned it. Here’s what I mean:

Today, EA have released a list of the games that they’ll be showing at the forthcoming E3 event in Los Angeles. It is:

Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Medal Of Honour: Rising Sun
James Bond 007: All Or Nothing
Black and White 2
Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup
SSX3
The Sims 2
FIFA 2004
Rugby 2004
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004
Madden NFLTM 2004
NBA Live 2004
NHL 2004

This list in interesting not for what it contains, but for what it doesn’t contain. Read it again. See what I mean? No? Well, let’s see if I can make it any clearer for you:

Movie spinoff
Sequel
Movie spinoff
Sequel
Movie spinoff
Sequel
Sequel
Sequel
Sequel
Sequel
Sequel
Sequel
Sequel

Has that helped? Do you see what’s missing yet? That’s right, what’s missing is ANY SIGN OF ANY ORIGINAL GAMES WHATSOEVER.

I’m not saying that these games won’t be good, or popular. Black And White 2 should improve on the minor flaws of its predecessor, and The Sims 2 and FIFA 2004 will both sell in huge numbers, mainly to idiots. But still, it’s slightly depressing to see that the world’s largest third-party software publisher is going to the world’s biggest trade fair, the show that is supposed to show off the cream of the crop of games, the show that’s supposed to get people excited about forthcoming releases, with a portfolio about as inspired as a Sunday-afternoon BBC sitcom.

It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, I suppose. I mean, just look at EA’s past performance. Not content with giving us a regular update of their FIFA franchise every year, they’ve also given us games like FIFA Premiership Allstars, which is normal FIFA except with the worst football management game in the world incongruously bolted on like some kind of bizarre football-game Frankenstein’s Monster. And let’s not forget FIFA: Road To The World Cup, a game in which you competed to qualify in the world cup, and then... nothing, If you wanted to actually compete in the world cup you had to buy another game. It’s like Ford releasing a car with the message "Engine sold separately".

Part of the reason I haven’t updated recently is that the games industry is currently about as exciting as the interior of a bag, but in order to make things more fun for myself I’ve devised a new game. I’m trying to guess how many versions of FIFA EA will launch this year. I don’t have to be accurate; a ball-park guess will do. I reckon at least eight this year. If I’m right at the end of the year, then I’ll reward myself by not buying any of them.

Still, maybe I shouldn’t make fun of EA too much - they’ll never buy my proposal for Chris Spicer’s Barrel-Fish Shooting 2004 at this rate.

Tough times for Sega again. Up until recently they were in discussion with two major players about possible mergers. Unfortunately, the possible deal with Namco has collapsed because Sega didn’t reach a decision within a deadline, and the deal with arcade manufacturers Sammy has fallen through because Sega didn’t believe it was the right deal for them. So all those people looking forward to Sonic The Hedgehog-themed pachinko machines are going to be disappointed.

Still, it’s not all bad. At least Microsoft are still interested in them.

Aha ha ha.

Meanwhile, at the Fujitsu-Seimens corporation...

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

Command And Conquer: Generals Is Massive Hit - EA Closes Developer

After the huge success of the latest iteration of the long-running Command And Conquer series, “Command and Conquer: Generals”, publisher EA have made a touching gesture to show their appreciation of Westwood, the development team behind the game. They’ve closed them down.

Despite being accused of sensationalism, jingoism and, in some cases, even racism, the game is currently getting high review scores from reviewers too weak-willed to take the moral high ground on relevant social issues. In the US, Generals met with a massive 98% approval rating amongst gun-toting rednecks, dangerous sociopaths and Texans. Several of Westwood’s former staff members will be integrated into another of EA’s studios, where they will use their years of industry experience and proven design skills to develop FIFA sequels and Harry Potter spin-offs.

A long time Westwood employee told us: “We at Westwood have a superb legacy. We invented the real-time strategy genre with Dune 2 and popularised it with Command And Conquer. We’ve produced a string of excellent games and in C&C we’ve created an incredibly popular franchise which still has loads of potential. Got any spare change?”

A spokesman for EA told us: “The videogames industry has never been in better shape. No, really. Stop laughing!”

Little-Known Computer Facts #37

If you use a sans-serif font on your computer it has to draw less black on screen, thus reducing your electricity bill!

I’ll admit that I was never that impressed with the idea of Microsoft Train Simulator, or whatever it’s called. For one thing, the idea of simulating a job where you sit in a cab and control a lever that says “Stop” and “Go” seems pretty boring to me, and for another I’ve met the kind of people who are into Microsoft Train Simulator and I don’t wish to be linked to them in any way. But I must admit to having my head turned recently. The idea of simulating trains is boring. But what if you’re not simulating trains? What if you’re simulating… Trainz?

See? See? Isn’t the entire prospect already infinitely more exciting? By simply mis-spelling one word, I’ve been completely fooled into forgetting my previous opinion that train simulation games are as interesting as an hour-long television special devoted to the drying times of Dulux White Matt Emulsion, presented by Dom Jolley. Wow!

Apparently, Trainz (developed and published by Auran.com - visit the site and experience the roller coaster ride of thrills and excitement yourself) allows you to control almost all the workings of a modern railroad. You can create your own 3D levels, choose to haul freight, or simply decide to try and get your passengers from one end of a long, undeviating, largely straight track to another. Or alternatively, you could gnaw your own leg off. Your choice, obviously.

Actually, the idea of a train simulator does appeal to me, just not the ones that have already been developed. In my train simulator (excitingly entitled Train Zimulator - note the subtle yet thrilling spelling mistake) you get to accurately simulate the running of a British rail line. You’re running on a tight budget, so be sure to only employ minimal staff members, and don’t bother too much with track maintenance. Bonus points are awarded for how many passengers over the recommended safety limits you can cram into your tiny, dirty, poorly-lit compartments. And there’s even a Metal Gear Solid-inspired section where you take control of the driver as he sneaks off for a crafty fag. For obvious reasons, no bonus points are awarded for getting to your destination in time, so don’t bother. Real-life train services never do.

Meanwhile, at the Fujitsu-Seimens Corporation…

Monday, March 17, 2003

Electric Interweb V 2.0

Welcome to Electric Interweb v2.0. This blog has changed from a pointless round-up of websites I visit into a satirical computing blog. Because I like satire.

It’ll be updated… whenever. Don’t expect regular updates - I’m not The Onion, you know. For one thing, I’m not recycling my old material into lucrative coffee-table volumes. However, I shall try to add something at least once a fortnight. Possibly more. Probably not.

"Videogames Not Bad For You” Says Professor

Does playing video games make you more violent? It’s a question that for years has concerned slope-headed busybodies with too much time on their hands. Now, a study at a respected university aims to answer the question once and for all.

Dr Hillary Thompson, Professor of Social Studies at the illustrious Cheadle Polytechnic, has been carrying out an intensive study on the matter. He has been playing videogames for five hours a day for the past three months in order to study their effects on his psyche - and, perhaps surprisingly, he’s come out in favour of videogames.

“I have been playing Grand Theft Auto 3 every day for a quarter of a year,” Dr Thompson us. “And I have not shown any adverse effects whatsoever. In fact, I could well argue that my reactions are better now than they were before I began the tests. Whether or not that is actually the case, I can say without doubt that playing computer games has had no effect on me at all. No, please don‘t open that window - I‘m afraid of sunlight.”

Despite reports from his friends and relatives that he has become reclusive, paranoid and short-tempered, Dr Thompson continues to claim that he has felt no side effects from his long hours of exposure to violent gaming. “What, who said that? They’re all out to get me! I knew it! Aaaargh! I’m so angry! Get away! Get away from me, I want to be on my own!”

Speaking from what was formerly his office and is now a darkened room littered with empty snack food packets and discarded copies of PC Format, a maniacally grinning Thompson insisted that videogame violence had had no adverse effects on his mental health as he frantically clicked at his mouse, causing his onscreen persona to savagely batter the already prone body of a young woman with a baseball bat.

The videogames industry has come out in support of Thompson’s study. “Some people just can’t help over-reacting. A few years ago people thought that video games would lead to the collapse of civilised society - and that patently hasn’t happened” said noted games journalist Dan Mather, moments before being mugged for his wallet by an eight-year-old.

Dismissive of the study, the Government has launched its own probe into the matter. Claudette Cunningham, one of the Mps heading up the government’s study, told us: “This won’t be a whitewash; you can be sure that we will look at all the issues fairly and take all points of view into consideration. Only when we’ve weighed all the matters and judged the arguments for and against in an even-minded, subjective manner will we conclude that all videogames are evil.”

Videogame developer John Grabcock, head producer at Nasty Kitty Studios, disagrees. “The attitude seems to be that videogames producers are irresponsible for putting too much violence in games,” Grabcock told us. “But we take our responsibilities very seriously. We think it’s important that if we show violence, we also show the consequences of violence. For instance, in our next game, Slaughterion: The Dismembering of Katie Jones we show not only the violent act of kidnap and murder but also the consequence of that act.” When asked what that consequence is, Mr Grabcock told us: “You go on to the next level.”

“At the end of the day, it’s important to make a distinction between fantasy and reality. Computer games are a fantasy - the real world doesn’t work that way,” said Mr Grabcock, before eating a red-and-white-spotted mushroom, growing to twice his normal height and jumping down a drainpipe.

Number 1 - His face.

So, Nintendo have decided to launch the Gameboy Advance SP. This is a special version of the GBA, designed to appeal to mature gamers. To achieve this, Nintendo have designed the handheld in a silver brushed-metal finish, and made it so the screen flips up. You know, kind’ve like the screen on a laptop computer.

Oh, and in a move of sheer design genius, they’ve removed the headphone socket.

That’s right. Nintendo in their infinite wisdom have designed a mobile gaming device, designed for use while travelling, and not only have they made it look like a really cheap Palm Pilot but they’ve also removed one of the key components necessary to make the damned thing useful as a mobile gaming device. Genius! Now you only have the option of playing without sound or making a public nuisance of yourself wherever you go! Great! As a mature gamer, one of my most exciting gaming fantasies is to sit on a bus surrounded by increasingly hostile strangers, painfully aware that the savage beating I am about to endure will be soundtracked by a beepy, crackly, annoyingly repetitive mod-tune.

Following Nintendo’s design lead, Ford recently announced that they will make a car which is fully functional in every way but which has no doors. Do you see?

Meanwhile, at the Fujitsu-Seimens corporation…