Electric Interweb

A satirical computing blog. Yes.

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Deus Ex: Invisible War Released - Warren Spector Labled "More Evil Than Hitler"

Invisible War, the long-awaited sequel to the multi award-winning Deus Ex, has finally been released to a rapturous response, with everyone who has played the game saying how good it is - as long as the only person you're listening to is PC Gamer reviewer Kieron Gillen. The general response from people who don't permanently hibernate in Warren Spector's arse has been somewhat less warm.

Proving once again the highbrow level of discourse on the internet, web-reviewers and forum visitors have been participating in a series of adult, well-considered discussions since the game hit the shelves. "This is like the worst gaem ever!!" critiqued Dickmonster at the Gamespot forums. "I loved the first game but this is worth zero bucks. I'd rather have my penis split down the middle like a banana sundae than ever play this again." We asked him: Would you? Would you really? His response: "No."

An alternative view was provided by Killer, a visitor to the GameFaqs forums. "The first game was great and iv played it at least 10 times," Killer enthused, "but this game sucks the gaphics are not great theres maybe 2 hours of game play and the ending is the same as the last game. I guess the only way to find out how bad it is is to buy it, but if you want my adivce dont waste your money."

With such an intelligent debate as this, it was only a matter of time before the real critical heavyweights threw their opinions into the mix. "THIS IS SHIT!!!!" reasoned Amazon.com reviewer L33tkid. "IT WONT RUN AND ANYWAY THE GRAPHICs ARE RUBBISH AND THE STOYRLINE IS BORING YAWWWWWWN!!!!1!" Awarding the game a harsh-but-fair 1 out of 5, L33tkid concluded: "THE 1ST GAME WAS GREAT BUT THIS IS SHIT ITS NOTHING BUT A CASH-IN!!!!!1!!!LOLOLOLOLO!L;););)"

We took some of the points raised by these and other geniuses to Eidos spokesperson Laura Jones.

EI: How do you respond to criticisms that Deus Ex: Invisible War is a step backwards from the original?

Jones: I don't. We just publish the game; if you don't like it that's your fault.

EI: And how do you respond to the many technical problems reported about the game, like graphical glitches, poor system performance and, at times, the game simply refusing to work on user's machines?

Jones: Users machines? So they've already bought the game?

EI: Er... yes...

Jones: Phew, that's alright then! As long as we've already got their money they can shatter the game disc and stab themselves to death with the broken pieces as far as I'm concerned.

EI: You want to get a cup of coffee?

Jones: Get away from me, you geeky little creep.

EI: Oh, go on, you've got lovely tits.

So, a reasonable response from Eidos there. We also tried to contact Warren Spector, the main thinker behind the Deus Ex games, to ask him how the merciless critical and end-user mauling given to his gaming-vision-made-reality magnum opus had affected him, but unfortunately were told that he couldn't come to the phone because he was busy placing a stool beneath a piece of looped rope tied around a roof beam.

Things That Are Both Good And Bad About The Internet At The Same Time

#1 - Anyone can publish their thoughts for all the world to see.

Good Because: It allows freedom of expression without control or censorship.

Bad Because: Sprite-based web comics.

Whatever Happened To..?

#197 - Gex The Gecko

Who: Flagship character of development house Crystal Dynamics and "star" of several unamusing and rightly-forgotten Mario 64 knockoffs.

Last Seen: On the catwalks of Paris. As a handbag and two pairs of shoes.

Meanwhile, across the border in Beanbean Kingdom...

Sunday, October 26, 2003

The "Half Life 2 Is Late - What A Fucking Surprise" Special

September 23rd 2003: A day that will live in infamy. The supposed release date of Half Life 2 has rolled by with the crushing inevitability of a runaway freight train with nary a sign of the much-anticipated game, leaving disappointed gamers with two main questions: What has happened to Half-Life 2, and is "nary" a real word?

Many rumours have been circulating as to the reason for the delay, with the most persistant being that Valve took part in a sponsored job-swap with another development team for charity, unaware that the software house in question was the team behind Duke Nukem Forever. The status of Half-Life 2 has since slipped from "99% Complete" to "Oh My God What The Hell Have They Done To Our Code?", proving true the old adage that the road to hell is paved with good intentions (an adage that is no longer strictly accurate; the road to hell is now paved with stripped-pine floorboards since the Devil watched an episode of Changing Rooms and noticed eerie similarities between himself and Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen).

Loyal gamers immediately threw the weight of their support behind Valve; in a touching and heartfelt gesture they hacked into the stricken company's website and stole the Half Life 2 source code. "I'm not a cruel or vindictive man," said Valve CEO Miles "Tails" Prower in a statement on the company's website, "So I'm prepared to forgive and forget. All the hackers behind this incident have to do is email us an apology and details of their home addresses, and I swear that I won't hunt them down and slaughter them like pigs while they sleep. Honest."

We at Electric Interweb would like to state outright that we consider this theft to be a thoroughly despicable act, and that we believe the perpetrators should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. However, this hasn't stopped us downloading the stolen source code from Kazaa and compiling it in generic C++. Although this build of the code is incomplete, we've played a great deal of the game already and we can honestly say that it's looking good. Obviously it would be irresponsible of us to reveal any of the details of the game that Valve have worked so hard to keep secret - and we can't think of a better reason for doing just that.

Below are exclusive screenshots from sections of the game not previously seen:

As you can see, the Half-Life 2 engine is incredibly powerful.

At times Freeman is accompanied by an NPC companion in the shape of Zimmo, a wise-cracking penguin with the face of former-Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan.

It's intense action all the way as Freeman travels back in time to World War 2 in order to give haircuts to a troupe of suicidal mime artists with time-bombs nailed to their crotches.

The Pool-Hall Bunny Slaughter seems destined to become the most controversial game scene since Lara Croft penetrated a horses anus with a chair leg in Tomb Raider 7: The Rimhounds of Fuckholehaven.

Not quite sure what's going on here, to be honest with you.

So as not to spoil the deep, intricately-woven plot we won't reveal any of the game's secrets here, except to say that the scene where G-Man reveals that he's Gordan Freeman's father is nothing short of stunning.

Some of the additions that have been me to the traditional Half-Life gameplay will leave gamers speechless with wonder. Here are a few examples:

* Freeman now has insect control powers; one level sees you piloting a swarm of wasps into a costermongers to steal a tuba from a midget.

* The countryside levels feature real exploding cows.

* Soldiers don't just shoot you on sight anymore; first they attempt to pin you to the ground and spank you.

* The oft-rumoured Antigravity Canine Lovebucket Patrol finally make their long-awaited debut in this game.

* Completing Half-Life 2 on the Hard difficulty opens up the secret "Extra Hard" setting, where Freeman must complete the same mission as before. but this time while locked in a casket full of buffalo.

With anticpation for Half-Life 2 building to fever pitch, we at Electric Interweb are happy to report that this game is certain to be worth the wait. We'd also like to mention that our compiled code will be for sale on EBay within the hour. But let's not make a big deal out of it.

Chris Spicer, reporting for Electric Interweb from a hole in a road with a mole.