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As long as we're blogging about stuff without discussing it privately, why don't I blog that I've been busy and not in the mood to write about the show?

I was very much disappointed with Friday's ep, and sometimes, hard as it may be to believe, I just may not have anything new to add to the conversation at that particular moment. If slashsluts is a dead horse, why not just turn it into a real clique? I can make up a cute little logo, we can rip out the weblog and add a long list of requirements for entering, and it can be a cool, elitist group without the tiresome need to keep up a conversation.

It was an idea Xen and I had, and maybe it was stupid. Maybe I'm a bitch for not running out and posting something right away. I take that back -- I am a bitch. I freely admit it. Maybe I should just run over to slashsluts and post about that, since I haven't got much else to say right now as far as the show goes.

Wednesday, June 21, 2000 10:45 p.m.

I just got AIM, and I am a pathetic dweeb because I only have two people on my Buddy List. One of them is WitchQueen, and the other is an old co-worker of mine.

My co-worker has AOL, and he has this unreasonable fondness for staying connected whether he's at home and actually on the computer or not. He has this program that allows him to stay online and chokes off those annoying reminders that I remember from when I was on AOL -- I now call that my "internet training wheels" phase.

So I sign onto AIM, and I see his name listed as being online -- every single time. At this moment, he's noted as having been on for 15 hours and 6 minutes. But I know damn well he's at work right now, styling hair for the rich and fussy. I just think it's cool, in a kind of obsessive-compulsive-addiction-knows-no-bounds kind of way...he's connected to the web, even when he's not there.

Monday, June 19, 2000 11:01 a.m.

Okay, I finally found the thing to get me motivated to work on my redesign: I was surfing blogs, dead-dog tired from cleaning the house, and surfed on over to Powazek and found the coolest redirect service. I can -- once I get it all designed and stuff -- henceforth be found at www.toni.isfuckingbrilliant.com. Ain't that cool?

Sunday, June 18, 2000 11:20 p.m.

I don't feel so bad now -- Atley from Atesque is having the new design blues too.

His is one of the blogs I really enjoy reading. Altho he's younger than me, I never feel like I'm reading a "teen blog." Good deal.

Sunday, June 18, 2000 07:39 p.m.

Bad bad bad Toni. No update. I've been busy, okay? It's been raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock, and there's been lightning and thunder, no not much 'puter time. Sean and I actually cleaned the living room at 10PM last night for lack of anything better to do.

I'm also suffering from blog envy. The design here and Elise's new design are making me want to jump in again and redesign this sucker. Which gets to be a problem, because half-way through one design I'm struck by an idea for another, and I never finish anything. :::sigh:::

I got in touch with an old friend the other day -- my 7th grade boyfriend, actually. Instead of being all weird and uncomfortable, as most such reunions years after the fact are, we've been having a ball exchanging geek-speak in e-mail. I guess 7th grade is sufficiently long ago that no one feels as if the contact-er is looking to get back together with the contact-ee.

Meanwhile, I have to clean house, even though I'd much rather be eaten alive by rabid apes.

Sunday, June 18, 2000 12:34 p.m.

I am in an ambivalent mood today. I don't like this layout, want to do something new, want to move to Blogger, want to change my entire life just as easily as I can change the text on this page.

But then I counsel myself to just ride it out, be cool and everything will seem different tomorrow.

Actually, I think I am more dissatisfied with my life than with this layout, but this layout is the only thing I can change right now. I haven't written any fiction, or at least serious fiction, in weeks, and I hate it. I love my child, but I'm not used to having her home and the disruption in my creative life is almost unbearable.

If I can hang on until August, she'll go back to school and I can go back to writing. But for now, I'm miserable...

Thursday, June 15, 2000 08:43 a.m.

Now this is what I call art.

link via atesque

Wednesday, June 14, 2000 01:52 p.m.

I have this painting by Wyeth as my wallpaper today, and it suits the meloncholy mood I'm in.

I often have very visceral reactions to certain pieces of art, and some have memories attached to them as well. This painting reminds me almost violently of someone I betrayed, although I don't know if they consciously know it or not; and someone I loved, and still love deeply. Someone I would, to this day, drop everything to see, to touch -- someone I never had the chance to love openly, the way my heart and my body demanded I do, despite the fact that it was the most wrong thing I have ever wanted to do.

Looking at this painting is almost penitence for me -- the remembered pain of that time in my life is brought back as fresh and raw and still bleeding as if I had just seen the two people it reminds me of yesterday, as if I still wore the scent of my lover on my skin. Despite the pain and the sin of what I did, I would give anything to smell it on me again, I think.

Wednesday, June 14, 2000 01:17 p.m.

A very elegantly simple personality test.

My analysis was spot-on:

"You come to grips more frequently and thoroughly with yourself and your environment than do most people. You detest superficiality; you'd rather be alone than have to suffer through small talk. But your relationships with your friends are very strong, which gives you the inner tranquility and harmony that you require. You do not mind being alone for extended periods of time; you rarely become bored."

link via proselog.

Wednesday, June 14, 2000 11:18 a.m.

This makes me damn proud to have run screaming from the Southern Baptist fold at age ten. Even then I knew a bigoted, priggish, chauvanistic, sexist group of bastards when I saw it.

Wednesday, June 14, 2000 09:46 a.m.

I'm ready to give up on all this web design stuff. Every time I turn around I'm confronted with a simple-but-stupid mistake I've made. It's bullshit. I'm not smart enough to do this stuff.

Wednesday, June 14, 2000 09:42 a.m.

I suck. Well, I take that back. I mostly suck. I got the search part of the automated archive program working...just not the upload. And without the upload, the search is pretty fucking useless, isn't it? :::sigh:::

I'll mess with it tomorrow, with fresh eyes and hopefully a night free of dreaming about chmod 0775 whatevers and ./uploadConfig.cgi's...

Tuesday, June 13, 2000 08:34 p.m.

Bill Gates is the AntiChrist. I was tring to install SynEdit so that I could see if the text editor I was using was breaking my CGI script, and just when the installation was almost complete I got the Blue Screen of Doom.

Hysteria doesn't even cover it.

I finally got the fucking thing installed, after going through the process about 12 times.

Now I'm going to go back and use SynEdit to modify the script and see if that works. Pray for me.

Tuesday, June 13, 2000 12:04 p.m.

Feeling crappy crappy crappy. And no cigs. I'm turning into an agoraphobic freak here -- the conflict goes: "Leave house bad. No cigs bad. Must leave house to get cigs. Everything sucks."

Tuesday, June 13, 2000 08:32 a.m.

Gah! I should just go to bed already. Jesus Christ. Sitting here mindlessly surfing isn't doing me any favors -- I've been begged for another Jay/Silent Bob fic, but nothing is coming to me...except Taylor's challenge to somehow get Jay and Bob into Girl Scout uniforms...there, now that's an image to go to bed with, innit?

I'm pouting, anyway...Amazon just let me know that "Chasing Dogma" is backordered. If only my Nails Zippo lighter would hurry up and come in, I know it would cheer me up.

Tuesday, June 13, 2000 01:41 a.m.

I'm 47% slutty.

Tuesday, June 13, 2000 01:30 a.m.

WitchQueen's latest post, about burning patchouli incense to cover up a stinky garbage disposal, reminded me of something. My best friend used to date this fellow, who shall remain nameless. He was nice enough -- sort of sketchy in the morals dept., and would pork anything that stayed still long enough -- but still just...weird.

She took me to his house to meet him, but upon driving into the courtyard and seeing that he wasn't home, turned to me and said, "Get out and go smell his living room window."

"What the fuck? Smell it?"

"Just go do it," my friend insisted.

Ooookay. I got out, stood as close to his window as the overgrown aloe vera would allow, and took a deep lungful.

I smelled patchouli. Not just patchouli, PATCHOULI. Turned out the guy burned it as incense to hide his dope smoke, used it as cologne, bathed with patchouli soap, the whole nine yards. His house reeked of it.

This is the reason that when the commercials for the John Cusack movie -- the name escapes me -- came out, where he yells at the hippie dude to "get his patchouli stink out of my store", I literally choked myself laughing. All I could think of was Patchouli Boy, lo many years ago.

Monday, June 12, 2000 11:38 p.m.

Hey, if I put a party hat on my head in that picture, I too could be a fat chick in a party hat!

Monday, June 12, 2000 11:31 p.m.

Ewwww. Just realized how fat I look in that webcam pic. Fuck it. I am fat. Let the double chins hang out for all I frickin' care...

Monday, June 12, 2000 11:25 p.m.

Okay, the site has been moved, the name has been changed, most of the stuff that's supposed to work does. If you're here for the first time since the move and you're confused becuase it's just a white page, click on the link at the bottom of this page to be taken to the all-new frames version of the site. Whoopee.

Now that I've staved off the dreaded "I hate this design" disease, I'll start posting again regularly. One hopes.

Monday, June 12, 2000 10:52 p.m.