Sunday, March 2, 200310:26 p.m.
This is one of the many breaks I've (foolishly) let myself take today. Gah. Pah. The Proteomics test is tomorrow and argh, I'm dead! So very dead. The memorising is taking forever, the rate it's entering (and staying in) my brain is agonisingly painful. And I only remember about half of what I did just now. DIE!
Saturday, March 1, 200309:47 p.m.
Kane fully caters to my emotional and spiritual needs, and I know he'll never let me down or disappoint me. He's a good influence for me, heck, he's good for me. Period. He's warm and it would be very easy to love him. K fufills the materialistic and worldly aspect, he and I share common viewpoints, interests, we come from similar backgrounds. I don't know how to describe it without coming across as being extremely shallow, but he's not someone I'd be ashamed to be seen with. Neither is Kane, but it's an entirely different experience altogether. And no, it's not really because of their physical appearance, it's something else.
Why?! Why do things always have to be this way?
Saturday, March 1, 20031:11 a.m.
The One Nitestand Comedy Club thing at Milieu was pretty fab. A few jokes went over my head (especially the more ribald suggestions), and it took a while before I got used to the raunchy punchlines and constant talk about sex. Rolled my eyes at quite a few bits and snorted out loud a couple of times, but it was good. And it's the second time we've been waved into a above-21 club without so much as a bat of their eyelashes. The bouncer even asked for our contact numbers as we left, saying we were looking very attractive. *rolls eyes* Thank God we changed before setting off because I doubt we'd pass of as twenty year olds in slobby attire (Ocean Pacific tees and loose jeans). Rather regretfully, we left during the interval to meet Kane (who was feeling rather down). And while we were walking home, he plucked a delicate pink flower from a shrub and tucked it into my hair... *melts*
I don't know why I still like K.
How can I let him goWhen he means so much to meYou think I'm blindYou think it's timeI can't get him off my mindJust let it goThere's a good thing waiting for youDon't you knowJust let it goSoon as you get over him you'll find the sweetest friend
Friday, February 28, 200305:28 p.m.
I'm in school now, it's been a long day and I'm knackered out. Came in the morning to bombard Huang Yan with Proteomics questions, realised I forgot to bring the CCA record form and had to go home to get it. And had to come back all the way to school again! In the humid blistering heat, no less. Couldn't get much studying done and oooh boy, that's not good. I'm on the verge of panicking like crazy but I know that won't solve anything, so... Seriously. Test on Monday, test on Thursday. LSSS report due the following Monday (haven't even sourced for journals yet!), project supervisor wanted our introduction a couple of weeks ago but we haven't got around to doing it yet. But the whole official report (introduction ETC) are due the same week the LSSS one is, so we're so majorly screwed.
But there's a good side to it. *grin* Denise from Power98 called and they really are giving me a pair of tix for tonight's show. *claps hands happily* I didn't really think they meant it, especially when she didn't get back to me earlier, but wa-hey, whaddya know? (: I asked Lianne along because (not to be snobbish or high-handed!) I erm, feel she's one of the few who'd actually appreciate the subtlities of wit and quick banter. Besides, she needs a treat too, things have been rough for the both of us and we're in urgent need of cheering up.
So I guess we'll enjoy ourselves this once more before settling down, gritting our teeth and starting some serious work.
Thursday, February 27, 20031:26 a.m.
It was a pretty horrid day. Started of quite well, I sms-ed in to Power98 and mentioned how I found the two international comedians hilarious. And Denise called, telling me she'd give me tickets to watch them (after I moaned about being a poor starving student who can't afford the $50 tix). I was on air too, bleh. *grin* Don't know if they'd really give me the tickets, but it'd be cool if I get them! Met Kane to swim (Lianne was so very sick) and we ended up splashing around instead. I'm molting all over, even with SPF30! Erm, erm... HT prac was a drag like it always is, ending at 5:30!. Partner and I stayed back till 7, watching our supervisor try to revive the freeze-dried bacteria. We were the only ones left in the lab too, everyone else upped and scrammed at 5 plus. It was so weird being alone on the 7th floor without bumping into anyone. Tres spooky, listening to the incubators/ fermenters rattle and clatter. q:
Anyways. I really was feeling terrible and didn't go for band. Mentally and emotionally shot. Ended up meeting Kane again and I got back around 12. I think all this close (and physical) proximity is doing more long-term damage than good, the rational side of me is protesting out loud. He's willing to give so much more than I can bring myself to accept... How can I do this to him?
Wednesday, February 26, 200312:28 a.m.
I've lost track of my priorities. Of the things that truly meant something to me in the past. I've lost my soft edge, traded it in for a harder and less compassionate one. I've misplaced my inner conscience. I've even gone and upped God from first place!
I'm depressed. How did things get this far gone without me even realising the extent I've strayed away? I think the fact I haven't got anyone that'll hold me accountable had a part to play. Plus, I haven't exactly been hanging out with the most naive and innocent (Christian) iealists of late, far from it. I mean, I'm just becoming suspiscious and mean and argh. My evil side has been given free rein to grow, and it's taking over the nice part of me. Like weeds choking the flowers to death.
What do you do when you don't quite recognise the person you've morphed into? When the face you see in the mirror is a strange one?
Say a prayer for meHelp me to feel the strength I didMy identity, has it been taken?Is my heart breaking on me?
Tuesday, February 25, 200308:54 p.m.
Spent the last couple of days studying at the Delifrance in Holland V with Lianne. We study well together *grin* Because we take quite a few breaks and gad around a fair bit, we look up from our notes every so often and say something senseless and stupid and then totally lose it. Anyways. Yesterday's studying wasn't particularly productive, we only covered one chapter in the three hours after Kane and Xiulan left. Met Kane around 9:30 at the playground near my house and we talked till my parents had a hissy fit. He's such a dear dear friend, he listens to me babble non-stop ever so patiently (I can't talk without stopping to anyone else, my ex boyfriend was the only exception). So warm and comfortable and cuddly! He's someone whom I'm at complete ease with. I don't mind if he sees me in a disheveled mess with unshaven legs and face cream splotches, I don't have to pretend to be anyone I'm not. The barriers fall down, the external shields dissolve and I'm totally at ease being exposed and vulnerable. Only around him, because I know he truly thinks I'm beautiful, inside and out, no matter what I wear or how many zits I've got or how bitchy and pms-y I get sometimes. And he's the only guy I let hug me for no apparent reason, I let him (and him alone) draw me into his arms. He's just... Kane. (:
No, I'm not making use of him, I'm not leading him on. He knows (all to well) how I feel about K. He's like the best friend I always wanted but never really had. And if it weren't for K, I'd be tempted to like him instead. As it already is, I'm strongly seduced by the idea because he takes such good care of me, because he's so so so sweet, because he's such a warm and thoughtful person. Responsible and considerate too! It would be too damn easy to love him... If only we were more mentally compatible because he really exasperates me sometimes!
I'm such a greedy girl. If only Kane and K were well, mixed. The resulting hybrid would be perfect, for me. Why, oh why can't I have my cake and eat it too? *hangs head sheepishly* I know I'm greedy.
But I'm lonely too...
