Love, me

Friday, May 23, 2003
11:55 p.m.

Alright, we went back to clear our project cupboard in the afternoon because Eric called and demanded we return everything we borrowed. Haha. So we did. Didn't quite realise that we accumulated SO much junk! We had so many glass bottles of solutions, so many boxes of crap. Pieces of junk paper were crammed in everywhere, my cheapo Esprit shoes were in there too, along with Lianne's labcoat. It was really so final, somehow, this last step of our project. Like, it's really official, I guess. We took lotsa little souvenirs from the lab too, pasted some of the labels from our many bottles into my diary for rememberance sakes... I should've brought my camera! Also sorted through all the primer sets and stuff, I took 17 18 19 while she took 5 9 13; these two triplet sets caused us untold grief with their terrible discrepancies! Anyways, we hung around and talked to Dr Gandhi and Huang Yan. Turns out there just might be a TSO vacancy in NP after all... So that's a possibility, I suppose. Though it'd be rather banal and there won't be much of a kick, it'd be nice and comfortable to see everyone again. (: I suppose I'll see how things go.

Met Liling for dinner (before Kane joined us), and everyone was kinda startled because we kinda lost touch a year ago. But while we aren't quite as close as we used to be, things are a whole lot better now. She totally understands why I don't quite "trust myself" if I go overseas. Not because Kane doesn't mean enough to me for me to resist temptation, but I would really rather not put myself through that (very real) risk. Sort of like how I don't want to test my faith, should persecution come. Because I can say I love God, I love him enough to want to try my very best to stand up for Him. But at the same time, my threshold for pain is woefully pitiful.

And such, I don't want to take unnecessary risks. Not while our relationship is in it's infancy, anyways.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003
11:06 p.m.

Spent a very enjoyable day mooching around at home, reading like crazy and trying my best to eat in moderation. q: Kane came over later, he managed to repair the VCR and I finally got to watch Xmen. *grin* And sigh. I'm really really confused. I don't know if I ought to go to Australia after all. I'm simply not mentally and emotionally prepared to leave. I'm not ready to deal with the trauma of a long distance relationship. It sounds very melodramatic and childish but it's the truth; Kane and I will prolly go mad missing one another. Though he'll account for quite abit of why I don't want to leave Singapore, there are also a host of other factors pressing me to stay. I really don't know what major to take in UQ. I doubt I'm able to cope with the huge mental assult that is third year. And here comes the cruncher: The exchange rate is so bloody low! And the economy so bloody unstable!

On the flipside, if I go to NUS/NTU, I'll have to take crap subjects like Stats and Math again. Not to mention the no exemption rule which plain sucks. I'll also have to get a job for one year, which I'd like, but judging from the pathetic state the economy is in now, that'd be pretty unlikely. Sigh. I'm surfing around for available jobs, getting help for writing my resume from friends who've already submitted their CVs months ago (and most of them still haven't gotten a job yet). Alright I won't whinge anymore, besides me boring you to tears, there's nothing any of you can do anyways. I've already repeated my dilemma a thousand and one times to different people, they've already shared their (very) different opinions, and this's only succeeded in making me more confused. And as much as I genuinely appreciate their help and well-meaning (but sometimes harsh) comments, I guess this is one issue I really have to depend on myself to solve. Because only I know what's of utmost importance to me.

I don't want to grow up. I don't want the responsibility of working. I don't want to leave the comfort and the safety that is school. ):

Tuesday, May 20, 2003
11:59 p.m.

Ooh, we went to eat at Swensons today, the ice cream buffet thing. Was really worth the money, we each had more than 6 scoops! q: Butterscotch, Orange/ Lime Sorbet, Sticky Chewy Chocolate, Toffee, Frozen Chocolate Malt, Strawberry Carousol, Chocolate Freckles... Yes, most of them were variants of chocolate. q: Oh goodness, we tried all the flavors between the three of us! I got so sick of the coldness and sweetness I very nearly puked. Sigh, I've just been incredibly greedy of late. Kane's a bad influence on me that way too, because he can eat like crazy, and still be the skinny boy he is! The AGM was after that, and ooh, refreshments were good, too. Dr Koh really did "listen" to Shannie's command, he got apple and mango strudel! *slurps* And the fifteen curry puffs from Old Chang Kee! No, I didn't eat them all q: Brought home quite a few because no one wanted it. ARGH.

I bloody well need to diet. No, I need to stay on my diet. q:

Monday, May 19, 2003
10:48 p.m.

I figure I should start being more religious in updating this blog, heh. Okay, so here goes. Swam with Michelle and Baoling in the morning, did a measly 10+ laps because the sun was too hot and I really couldn't be bothered. We ended up gossipping and tanning instead, I'm so glad I slathered two layers of heavy duty sunblock on my face! Though I know I'll pay for not bothering with the rest of my body; my arms and back are already tender. Met Grace to pass her some books, and went to the NP library to borrow another 3 more. I intend to make full use of the ten or so more days we've got left as being legitimate students, because after our student card expires, we can no longer use the facilities (like the pool and suchlike). They're such cheapskates, they can't even let us continue being students till we officially graduate in June! It's as though they want to get rid of us asap!

Anyways... Went to Kane's house to veg, while Michelle went to Liling's to work on their external presentation. The both of us went to town because I wanted to check out the bikinis at Topshop, only to find out the FFF sale ended yesterday. Gah! Pah! I knew I should've properly looked at the beachwear, instead of going, "Hmmm, that looks interesting", when I was down there the past few days, but we were busy scouring for prom stuff! *grinds teeth in frustration* Sigh. Anyways. I just discovered I'm very emotionally high-maintenance, always in need of constant reassurance. I wonder how/ why Kane puts up with me the way he does...

Saturday, May 17, 2003
10:58 p.m.

Alright, so I'm wide awake after Dad rudely woke me up, asking me to eat this ice cream cake he bought. D&D was fun, fun, fun! It was so cool too, a bunch of us were dressing up together, frantically applying make-up as we simultaneously grabbed for our clothes. Everyone was dressed so nicely, and nearly all were in black. Damn, I really wished I wore the maroon top. There were quite a few surprises, seeing people who always wore tees and jeans and never skirts, wearing gowns and suchlike. Quite a shock to my system, that was! q: Kane was really cool, like the guy from Matrix, with his trenchcoat and the unsmiling face. There were quite a few guys in suits, and Beng Chyuan looked GOOD in his tux! Xiulan really stood out in her blue belly-dancer-esque outfit, and Lianne almost (almost?) looked well, slutty. Told her she shouldn't have worn the black lace netting plus the satin skirt, together with the stilettos! And the food! Gosh, you should've seen the way we piled our plates with chocolate mousse, 4 different varieties of cheesecakes, cream puffs, chocolate cakes and brownies galore! That was uhhh, after the main course, which wasn't too bad either. The emcee seriously sucked though, I thought Kane was the lamest/ corniest person I knew but oh goodness, the emcee was about a hundred times worse. *rolls eyes* A bunch of them went clubbing but a few of us didn't quite see the point in wasting cash (or didn't have much of it) to make fools out of ourselves, so we bought alcohol and headed back to the hotel rooms to drink and talk. Only Yongyi got so high he started babbling rubbish, making a great big nuisance of himself. Kept on wanting to engage us in pillow fights! And when no one paid attention to him, he started whining. Looking back, it's hysterically funny now, the sight of him doing really stupid things, but it was a different story last night cos we were already so tired. Anyways, the clubbing people came back to bathe and stuff before heading to the 24 hour Swensons, and they went home to crash at the crack of dawn. Leaving the entire room (along with the huge mess) to Kane and I! Plus, there wasn't any competition for the two breakfast vouchers as Liming etc were still sleeping off the effects of alcohol next door. *grin*

Anyways. It's so funny how the relationship between the lecturers and us changed so quickly. When I went to the washroom, I stepped out of the cubicle and found Dr Phang waiting to enter. It's so weird! I mean, in the 3 years of schooling, I've never seen any of my lecturers touching up their face, I've never seen any of them using the toilets (because they have separate ones). Like, I never actually thought about them needing to use the bathroom. Though there isn't actually any reason for me to think about such things, but you get my point! I know it's a small thing to be weirded out about, but what it signified really got to me. And when we were talking to Dr Z and Dr K outside the dining room, it was almost as if they treated us like equals. As though we were no longer their charges, their students, to be scolded and prodded along their merry way. Especially since she told us our project grades were pretty much finalised, but never mind that now. It's just... Weird.

I still can't quite believe all of this is over. That it's all come to an end.