Sunday, March 23, 2003
11:59 p.m.

Enjoyied myself today lazing around home and well, doing a little bit of my project. But since it was only a little bit (when compared to what we normally have to do, that is!), I don't mind. *grin* Went for a swim later because the weather was unbearably humid. The water was horrid though, all slimy and slippery and warm. Ick, squick! The pool was full of little brats having their swimming lessons and I kicked 3 of them; accidentally, I swear! They came up behind me, I didn't even know they were there. Anyways. I've also watched hours of movie re-runs. "Runaway Bride" was fantastic and oh-so-sweet... I was melting all over the sofa as he made the speech about proposing, and when she repeated it verbatim and asked him to be hers. *sappy smile firmly fixed in place* Julia Robert's SO pretty. And Richard Gere is sexy! q: Sister and I were yelling bloody murder (again) as the raptors sneaked up on Dr Sarah Harding during Jurassic Park; Dad came charging out (haha, I ought to stop working stupid puns into my daily conversation!), demanding to know if I actually succeeded in killing her. *grin* And it's "The Bachelor" now.

Chris O Donnell's character reminds me of K. Unable to commit, wanting the freedom of being free and preferring to run wild, not entirely willing to sacrifice roaming in a pack of mustangs for a ball-and-chain lifestyle. Aye. But the ending was... *melts into yet another puddle*

Sunday, March 23, 2003
12:43 a.m.

I'm listening to "An American in Paris" now, hoping the tune will somehow diffuse into my mind so I don't have to practice. Heh. But well, band was so tiring. Went through the entire repetoire, and gosh. We suck! Not quite, but we're definitely not as well prepared as we were for last September's concert. I mean, I was still muddling my way through "Jubilee Overture", and Sam was making even more mistakes than I did! And Kane looked awfully down today, he wasn't his usual cheerful smiley self. Oops. Oops. He knows about last night, though I didn't elaborate on any details. Don't want to rub salt in his wounds, just in case he's hurting... I don't know he is, for sure, but that doesn't keep me from feeling horrendously guilty.

You mustn't think you failed me just because there's someone else
You were the first real love I ever had,
And all the things I ever said
I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you

How very succinct. I got myself into this mess by telling him how he fulfilled 9/10 of my 'criteria'. Was super tired at that point and started blabbling, mental defences were way down also. And that was why I said more than I ought to. Sigh. We can never predict for sure how someone will react to what we say; and I guess I'm trying to convince myself it isn't entirely my fault. Because I did tell him many many times that he shouldn't wait for me because there were no guarantees, no certainties that I'd be able to reciprocate. Stuff along those lines, but he kept insisting he didn't mind, that he wanted to. So it isn't wholly my fault I think I'm hurting him by demonstrating the need to tone our mock "relationship" down. Right? Now, only to make my guilty heart believe that.

Saturday, March 22, 2003
1:47 a.m.

Today was one of the relatively better days. *smiles happily* Started off quite horribly though, I was in a tearing hurry to get to school to run our gel, the freakingly hot weather made me feel like I was in a furnace (well, the non-air con 151 edition of it, anyways). We actually got PCR products from the DNA we extracted from the bacteria that grew. You've no idea how startled my partner and I were, we were shrieking and squealing like stuck pigs in the dark room. *grin* Although that means we've got another 3 more weeks of hard hard lab work ahead of us, it also means we've got more results! And that's always good! A few of us went for the Staff and Students Day thing after that, there were so many people. The performances were pretty hilarious too, some of the singing acts were so horribly offkey we just had to laugh. q: All in all, I'm glad we went cos it's the last chance we have. The (free) food was good too! And Ryan, Eugene etc did such a beautiful mime to "Drowning", the way the guys pulled the girls into their arms at the last part was soooo sweet. And someone was especially cute too, but I shan't and can't say who. *grin*

Anyways. Met WL and we headed down to Singspiration cafe to watch K sing. He's good, I tell you. Looked more like an ah pek than ever, but... Instead of singing "Something in the way she moves", like he said he would, he dedicated "If" by Bread and "Leaving on a Jet Plane". Just to me. I was so very touched, especially since he said on Monday, in response to my request for "If" (he asked me for a song that I'd like him to sing), that he wouldn't sing that cos it was way out of his vocal range. But he still did! Which means he had been practising for it! And it was such a sweet thing for him to do... I nearly melted there and then. UNTIL. He stupidly dedicated the song he said he'd sing for me (there's something in the way she moves) to Melissa, this girl whom he used to have a big thing for. I was so pissed! So was WL and Lianne, when I smsed to give her the minute-by-minute update. Heh.

But. If he thought singing three songs for me was a bit much, well and fine, he didn't have to sing that one if he didn't want to. But he didn't have to sing it for her! But well, honestly, I don't think he did it cruelly or out of spite. Faizal said he prolly said that in a moment of nervousness, and just didn't think of what he was saying, or their consequeces. And that's prolly true, I'm not being overly optimistic or hopeful or giving him too much credit. Knowing him, he wouldn't even realise that was an incredibly stupid and tactless, not to mention completely tasteless, thing to do. To put it bluntly, he just didn't think. At least, that's what I've deduced. But... Everything else was so sweet. And I think he thinks knows it was sweet too. q:

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now they don't mean a thing
Every place I go I think of you
Every song I sing I sing for you

Ah wells. If only he felt this way. One can only hope, no?

Thursday, March 20, 2003
11:34 p.m.

Busy, busy, busy. And I'm becoming very confused in the process. We've been running PCRs every single chance we get, don't have time (and the inclination) to analyse the gel photos though! Afraid we'd end up getting discrepancies all over again. *heaves huge heavy sigh* Anyways. I went to the gym today (after about 3 weeks of inactivity) and actually managed to run for ten minutes without stopping. Ha! I'm pathetic, I am. Spent quite a bit of time talking to Michelle though; she was complaining about this insensitive clod and I was telling her stuff about the two K's. q: Aye, I still can't believe how complimentary and charming he was, on Monday. And in the meantime, Kane's being so very sweet, being the caring thoughtful guy he is. Help. He's been so supportive and just there, especially in the past few days when I've come so close to giving up on everything. I mean, seriously. It was a harrowing week, in terms of work and other miscellaneous crap that came up. And he's just so very sweet.

It's a stupid stupid shame that some of his habits get on my nerves. Like when he insisted on waiting 4 hours for me to finish our PCR and experiments; and on the way home, I fell asleep, and so did he. Only I got woken up so many times by how he (literally) nodded off. I know it's extremely stupid, trust me, I'm cringing as I type this now. But it's these little things he does, that he's not even aware he does, that seriously piss me off. It's not so much of the way he doesn't *get* what I say immediately, it's not so much of how our sense of humor is completely different, etcetra etcetra, although they are cons in themselves. It's the little things that exasperate me. Like slurping. And being much too thrifty. I shouldn't even be writing all of this here. But yes... These are tolerable, for now. Endearing even, in a I'm-gritting-my-teeth sort of way. But a few weeks, months down the road, oh goodness, I'll completely lose it. And it's an incredibly stupid reason to get angry with him too, I know he wouldn't understand why these things matter to me, I know he simply wouldn't get why they get on my nerves the way they do. Heck, I don't quite get it myself! But they do! And that's a fact.

"Let's say you meet someone who is loyal, totally smitten, and offers you personal and economic stability. His good heart and good intentions make you love him. He's what you want. But then you meet a poet. He is soulful, gifted, romantic and impractical. He's the epitome of every romance novel hero. You become friends, you're attracted to him, you dream of him at night. He's what you want." (more)

See my delimma now? And in a very selfish sort of way, I'm glad I'm going to Australia soon. Escapism.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003
10:19 a.m.

Sigh. I was in the labs since 8am to 7pm yesterday, with two 30 minute breaks in between. The rest of the time was spent juggling a six hour practical and running experiments. We wanted to stay till 8pm, but we couldn't as none of our lecturers could/ would stay. I was so very tired. Was left feeling as wrung out as a limp dishrag. Completely and utterly drained. So many of my classmates saw my blank expression and sensed the whole zonked out 'aura' and hugged me in sympathy, so I guessed that was something good. (: Even Jack did, to the applause of the rest of the them. *smiles* And I cannot believe what a prize fool? Shandon Quinn made of himself last night on the Bachelor's Edition of "The Weakest Link". He introduced himself as a model, no less. And his pick up line... *chokes on laughter* I'm just glad I had the foresight to record it for posterity; which means I can rent it out to hapless people that missed it. q:

Anyways. I gotta head down to school now. It's gonna be another long day ahead, cumilating in band prac. And if Dr Forday makes anymore lame statements ("Chilli is a fruit! And it's hot!" Or, how about "Beer is an alcoholic drink... And it's quite popular here!"), I have a feeling I'll snort. Very audibly, too.

Monday, March 17, 2003
11:54 p.m.

Seriously. ARGH. It's been an awful day. Met partner at 930 to print out the report, sat down and actually tried to sort everything out (because so many experiments have screwed up for reasons best left speculated). Talked to supervisor, she was impressed by the thick number of pages, but I just know she'll change her mind the moment she actually reads it. It was an all out tiring day... We were left completely drained after the morning of activity, planning our schedule for the next few weeks was not something that made us relieved. Didn't even have the energy to go for lectures... But Huang Yan saw us looking like dead zombies along her way so we had no choice. Besides, she's nice and I'd feel bad for not going. Sigh. Met K for dinner after almost 3 weeks of not seeing him (the onslaught of tests and reports kept me very very busy), and oh no. I remember why I liked him. Why the hell did he have to be so charming? And seriously. He was even being sweet, for his standards, that is! Said he'd sing "Something in the way she moves" for me on his gig this Friday, and that it's a very flattering song. Complimented me THRICE, even. And said/ did a whole bunch of other stuff but... ):

There's something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.
If I'm feeling down and blue,
Or troubled by some foolish game,
She always seems to make me change my mind.

But then Joy asked a very simple question that left me astounded. It's only natural for a guy to be sweet to the girl he likes. But can he always be sweet to her?

Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning,
And I find myself convening in places where I should not let me go
She has the power to go where no one else can find me,
Yes, and to silently remind me of the happiness and good times that I know
But I said I just got to know them...

It isn't what she's got to say
Or how she thinks or where she's been
To me, the words are nice, the way they sound
I like to hear them best that way
It doesn't much matter what they mean,
Well she says them mostly just to calm me down.

I think that's sort of how he views me. I'm good for him. Just like Kane's good for me. And oh, I know I'd be good for him too. He's good for me as well, in ways that Kane never could be, or hope to be.

Sunday, March 16, 2003
11:48 p.m.

Wahey, it's finally done. *beams happily all around* 8470 words in total, including references. 49 pages excluding our thick Appendix, whee! It's gonna be impressive. q: And when I did the final proof-reading, I was astounded at how we actually sounded like we knew what we were talking about. I mean, seriously. I just hope the examiners and supervisor don't realise we're mainly repeating the same old points over and over again. I ended up paraphrasing like crazy (especially for the results and discussion) and ooh boy, it was so hard coming up with different ways to say the same thing without making it dead obvious! q: Anyways. The bacteria we restreaked on Monday actually grew. I don't know whether to be glad or horrified, though it's for the best that they grew. It'll mean so so so much more work. Sigh. But it'll also mean we'll have more credible results to include in the final draft, and that's always good, especially since I reckon we aren't gonna be able to pull wool over our examiner's eyes for long.

Lots of eventful stuff has happened in the past few days but I didn't have the time/ energy/ inclination to elaborate. Will do so later... The next few weeks look set to be the busiest I've had so far. And that's saying something! Alright, it's off to bed after my hair dries.