(Monday, October 21, 2002) (10:42 p.m.)

I can't believe I'm going to talk on and on about myself again, but hey, it's my diary q: Read if you want to know whats going on in my life yea, don't bother if you're only doing this so I'll return the favour. Heh. I'm narcissistic, aren't I? Anyways. I've been in school for what, 12 hours today. Went really early to reserve places at the Library Cafe, I love studying there. There are so many welcome distractions you know, with the MTVs blaring in the background and the sound of people's voices washing all over you. Not to mention the great view the glass windows afford, I like to people-and-tree-watch. Especially when I'm bored from studying, hee. Anyways. Didn't get much work done. Groan. Not good.

Grabbed hold of a few of our lecturers and made them explain stuff to us. At least some of the basic doubts are cleared, I hope. Dr Koh was deliberately baiting us though, especially about why our horrible Organic Chem background was so horrible (we finally managed to genuinely shock him, when he realised we didn't even know something about carbon and its electrons, lol). And he kept on insisting that students make a big deal out of memorising because it's the trendy thing to protest about rote learning. In his opinion, no matter how much we whine and complain, we secretly like memorising because it provides a security blanket of sorts. Bleh. Although there is a certain truth to what he said, I don't fully agree because not everyone is like that! I'm for memorising some things, like some definations and important factors/ points and basic stuff like that. But memorising whole pages, point after subpoint after subsubpoint of dry facts pushes it a bit too far, doesn't it? Honest to goodness truth, I would rather take an exam based on application (if its an understanding subject) than one with regurgitation. I don't like doing it. But I'll memorise if there's no other alternative to do well. Which is the case this time around. Pfftt.

Anyways. We made Eric wait for over 2 hours while we talked to our lecturers, and I feel so bad cos he was keeping watch over our tables and bags! He didn't complain though, and I feel really guilty about that. Bumped into Kevin later too, it was nice catching up with him. (: And as I was ready to head home, I met Shiwei at the bus stop. To my very great surprise, I might add. He's what almost everyone would call peculiar and eccentric. But I don't mind him, I don't know why. He's hard to figure out, but I think there's a nice guy hiding beneath the queer rigid exterior. Anyways. I wanted to be silent during the ride home but he kept on yabbering away. He half-asked me to study with him, and to dinner. Oops. From these two things and other events that I shan't mention, I hope he realises just because that I like talking to him doesn't mean I'm interested in that way.

Yang Guang Lie Che's on now. Goodness, I was in Primary 5 when they first aired it - and I can still remember how to sing along to the theme song!

(Sunday, October 20, 2002) (07:40 p.m.)

Came home to the sight of a livid mother and father holding my PDA box. They're furious. They say I've been spending too much money on unnecessary things, like clothes. What they don't realise is that I source around for the best deals. I buy stuff that's of good quality, yet affordable and reasonably priced. I don't buy every single thing I fancy. Take today, for example. Tried on 3 Mango tops that were rather pretty. Decided apiece wasn't quite worth it. Saw this georgous blue striped cotton dress that made me look so sweet. Didn't get it because I figured I wouldn't wear it often. Lianne almost persuaded me to share this denim miniskirt with her. She also nearly convinced me to go for a Clinque makeover. It's a really good deal because with a voucher, you get a facial, a massage in an Osim chair, a makeover (with tips on the colors that suit you the best etc), and any product you want! If the cosmetic costs more than , you pay the extra yourself. It was tempting, all right. But I resisted. Because I feel makeup is an extra entity, not a necessity. Besides, I don't need any unnatural help to look good. Ha.

Just kidding, but I'm not in the mood to laugh. There were also these flowing Indian pants that were so, so, SO amazing. I was nearly ensnared by the way the midnight blue cotton looked, with silver threads shot through it in subtle patterns. But did I buy it? No. And why not? Because I knew that they'd already be sacrificing a hell of a lot to send me overseas. They earn enough for all of to live comfortably. But an Australian education would cost about k a year, and that's a modest estimate. I know they'll be tightening their belts to support me. I'm doing my part by not splurging on everything I want.

They've been ignoring me ever since the initial outburst. Discussing the tenderness of the chicken filet sitting on the plate over dinner. Giving me the silent treatment. Refusing to even listen to my side of the story. They dismiss my pleas to explain why I needed the PDA. And they're saying they don't trust me enough to send me overseas, because they won't be around to keep an eye on how I spend their hard earned money. Well, everything's fine and dandy now, isn't it? If they don't send me over, I just won't be able to get a degree, that's all. I'll be a lab tech forever. No big deal.

It's just MY future we're talking about down here.

(Sunday, October 20, 2002) (09:19 a.m.)

I've never been so hardworking in my entire poly school life, ever. Met Grace in the morning, Lianne & Peiyi in the afternoon, and Eric in the evening. Made notes for cGMP, thank God I managed to do about 5 chapters worth before my mind refused to work anymore. Now I know why the previous third year students were so hardworking. I remember snickering and marveling at how they'd pay so much attention to Aquaculture lectures, when all my friends and I did was to sleep eat talk. But now that I'm a third year student myself, I realise that I've only got one last chance to do well before entering university. And I need to get more As than Bs to stand a higher chance of getting in! Besides, having a 60% exam weightage freaks me out.

But while I think I'm more aware and hardworking, I don't think I've gone over the top in my pursuit for better grades. I mean, I don't go over every set of notes 5 times, memorising everything word for word each time. I don't spend hours on tutorials, unless I really enjoy the subject and am genuinely interested in knowing more. Aiyah. I shouldn't complain. Her goals in life aren't the same as mine. She wants fame. Recognition. Power. I just want to be the best I can be, to go the furtherest I can go. I'm ambitious, yes. But I won't do everything for power. Doing well is important to me. But it's not everything that's in my life. I swear she studies the most out of everyone I know. Even Grace Yufen Liling don't study that hard and much. But they still do as well, better, as a matter of fact.

Gosh I should just shut up. What she does, how she chooses to study, is her own choice. But I wish I wasn't so intimidated by the fact she's already well prepared for the exams! Especially when she keeps on insisting she isn't, gah.

Anyways. I'm off to meet friends, we're going to the Australian Uni Exhibition. More later.

(Friday, October 18, 2002) (10:34 p.m.)

Just got back from NP. I was supposed to study with Lianne/ Peiyi, but after dallying around (I met Jack for breakfast, we printed our assignments in school, met Lianne after that and helped her with Stats, read mags, bought chocolate etc) for 4 hours, they decided they needed retail therapy (read: shopping) and wound up hitting the streets. I should have joined them, I wanted to join them, I almost joined them. But I haven't even read through the cGMP notes once. And I didn't pay attention during lectures, so I didn't know what was going on, and I was, well, about to panic. Bumped into Eric and I stayed back with him and his friend. He's a lovely guy, he is. One of the nicest people I know! Hee, the list is growing. :D Considerate, friendly, gentlemanly... Just plain nice. Perhaps a tad too crappy, but everything else makes up for it.

And he was stunned into silence when I told him that. *lol* I mean, I do think quite a few people are truly nice. But although I speak well of them and sing their praises to other people, I've seldom told them to their face because of silly stupid reasons better left unsaid. I've told Grace though. And Ms Kek. And Mrs Ding. And Sir. And Dr Kueh. And I just realised almost all of them are my teachers, heh. Anyways yea. He'll make a lovely lovely friend. I mean, I don't know what makes him nice; he just is! And he's nice from deep within, it's obvious that he's not putting on an act to impress me or whoever. He's genuinely nice. (:

Anyways... I don't know why, but it's kinda cold tonight. Figuratively, I mean. I think I'm too stressed. I should just stop thinking.

(Thursday, October 17, 2002) (10:05 p.m.)

Argh, I can't get my hands on "Introduction to Medicinal Chemistry"! The one copy in NUS can't be borrowed out (thanks to Wee Sing Irene Pram Marianne), and the only other copy in Singapore is with Peiyi. She just got it yesterday after Dr Koh returned it. And I absolutely absolutely cannot believe he kept the book with him for such a long time, before school started till now! When our exams are in 10 days, and we don't really know what's going on! *Pout*

Anyways. This afternoon, I walked up into a bus FULL of PL girls, from primary school kids chattering about the fishball noodles to pimply angsty teens dissing the bookshop aunty to the snobby poseurs with their Billabong/ Fila gear. The cool tanned sporty ones and their passives' hanging off their arms. I forgot how much noise girls can make, hee. There was this bunch moaning about the Chem/ Physics (can't remember which) practical paper today... I remember MY Chem prac 3 years ago. When I spent 20 whole minutes heating an orange powder, trying to get some visible reaction. Haha. And one of the girls was whining about not being able to do a 3 mark question. I felt like laughing, honestly, I did. I mean, it's only 3 marks and you're whining? For us, 18 marks are given away as presents! q:

I really enjoyed myself today. (; Paid for a 10 minute consultation at the National Skin Center, and the doctor said it's an autoimmune disease. And it's very common, even among small kids! He wanted to give me a few scalp jabs but I erm, refused. q: Went down to Northpoint after that and got myself the entire Garnier Pure skincare range. I think it's about time I started doing the whole cleanse tone moisturize regimen again. Lately, I've developed this irrational phobia of getting premature wrinkles, especially since I realised I already have faint laugh lines creasing my cheeks! The moisturizer is so light and non-greasy, I love how it feels! I just hope it doesn't make me break out. Like I told WJ, I'd rather have wrinkles than pimples. At this point in time anyways. *lol*

I'm pretty upset with my mom now. She was supposed to print my drug report, the one that's due tomorrow. But she forgot even after I reminded her. Enough excuses. Enough apologies already. Enough! This isn't the first time it happened. And I know if my sis had been the one to ask, it wouldn't have slipped her mind. I suppose I would feel hurt, but it's sort of become second nature already. And well, I guess it's rather sad that I don't feel sad. If you know what I mean. I don't know why, but they love her more.

They always do.

(Wednesday, October 16, 2002) (08:07 p.m.)

What the hell, the practical exam was so disgusting! Just when I thought, oh lookie, I might be able to get a distinction for this in spite of the uber hardworking people in the LT because I've got ~ 93% average so far, I'll be lucky to get an A overall thanks to the stupid practical exam!! I was so nervous and queasy before it, I had to run to the bathroom and puke my breakfast out. I think it was the latte that did it. The shot of coffee in the wee hours of the morning made me jittery and jumpy; I was shaking like a leaf while working on the spectrophotometer. I nearly dropped the quartz cuvette twice! Seriously. And the lab was so cold too, I couldn't even think clearly. We should have been given more time! How do you expect us to write enough for a 10 + 6 + 18 mark question in TEN MINUTES?! I mean, it's good that it was mostly application based. But we need time to analyse and digest the facts and information given! You can't expect us to take one look at the results and know what went wrong!

Grrr. I have an appointment with the National Skin Center tomorrow. My parents and sis said that half my hair has grown back, thank God for that. I think I'll check out the Garnier roadshow too, hee.

Sigh. Back to my Artemisinin report.

(Tuesday, October 15, 2002) (08:27 p.m.)

Just came back from studying with... Samuel. *lol* I mentioned that I was looking for a study pal, and he suggested we work together. I take the part back about us not being able to talk properly, because we talked a lot more than we did work. Erp. Last time, I remember wondering how strange it was that I felt comfortable not saying much around him. I mean, I'm someone whom people expect to yabber on incessantly about stuff. And I almost always feel I've got to live up to their expectations. So when I'm with normal friends, I always feel the need to talk and think of something funny to say that'll crack them up. But I don't usually mind, because I generally like to talk and amuse people. Heh.

But it sometimes drains me, especially when I don't feel like saying anything. And I'd want to be with someone whom I feel comfortable with. I'd want to be with people whom I'm familiar with, dear friends who don't expect me to talk; they who know that true friendship transcends the spoken word. I normally don't feel that at ease with people whom I'm not close to, you see. But I'm comfortable with Sam. I don't feel the need to talk about silly things, I don't feel the urge to fill in the gaps in the conversation with nonsensical chatter. I don't know why it's like that, but it is.

Anyways. At this point in time, all I want from him is friendship. Honest. (: He's really unable to commit to anything, and he's much too immature. But he'll make a lovely friend. And well, I'd love to have him as a good guy buddy, because I don't have very many. And that's that.

It's sort of a pity cos I get the feeling he has a crush on me. q: Ah wells. Maybe in 5 years time eh?

(Monday, October 14, 2002) (10:40 p.m.)

I'm breaking out (and down) from all the stress. And losing my mind along the way. I brought the latest issue of "Self" to NP to return it cos I thought it was overdue. Tried returning it with the machine outside the library, thrice, but failed. Went to the machine inside and failed too. Ended up asking the librarian to return it at the counter, after she couldn't make the machine accept it either. And promptly discovered it was from the National Library!!! She was so exasperated! I've been incredibly pms-y too... Snapping at my mom when she gets my goat. I feel really bad about that, but I can't seem to control my tongue when she irritates me.

Lianne, Peiyi and I stayed back after lectures ended at 1, and atudied till about 8. And I only managed to read through 3 chapters of Drug Discovery! The notes were so disorganised that I spent most of my time piecing the facts together, trying to get a general idea of what was going on. And the way the both of them study is seriously freaking me out... They've gone through half of DDD and cGMP already, and memorised quite a fair bit of Genomics too. Oh man. I have a long way to go! Anways. I'm really breaking out, I don't have a blemish free complexion anymore! And I'm craving chocolate. Apparently, the chocolate-chip granola bar and Famous Amos cookies and Cadbury didn't do any good.

I'm off to watch "Heartbeat" re-runs. Edmund Chen's rosy cheeks are sooo adorable (;

(Monday, October 14, 2002) (07:32 a.m.)

It's 7:30 in the morning and I'm awake. Didn't go to school to work on Stats before the lecture because I think I'd rather spend a few hours on my drug assignment. I'm feeling reallllly stressed with all that's been going on. Especially since the exams are coming, and I don't feel as though I've learnt much so far. Certainly not enough to be tested on, at any rate! Anyways. Went for Pram's BBQ last night, met people whom I haven't seen for 2 years or more. It was nice to see them again, relieving old memories of PL. And they still remembered D.Lau! I never knew so many people knew of my obsession, it's so embarrassing now. But they also had their own dirty little secrets, so it's a truce. (: I miss quite a few of them. Save the occassional sms, we never exactly kept in touch because though we were on friendly terms, we weren't from the same clique. It's strange how Secondary school relationships divide themselves into such stringent and clear lines, isn't it?

It's also 7:30 in the morning and I'm thinking of him already.