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Monday, December 23, 2002 Didn't intend to go to school but thought we'd be a little hardworking and run a gel that turned out disastrous on Saturday. And we got waylaid by a not-too-happy supervisor who made us stay another 4 hours to do other stuff. Bleh. And after that, when we psyched ourselves for three droolsome hours of hot hunky men (q:), tickets were sold out and the next available slot was at 9pm! Geez! We spent a very nice time trying on potential prom stuff though. Saw this georgeous maroony top at Dorothy Perkins, it was so pretty with it's flimy faery mesh sleeves and embroidered beads that sparkled! It also fitted perfectly and would have been just the thing for Christmas/ Chinese New Year. But it was like $67 so... Uh, not wise. I'm getting rather excited about the prom, heh. All the pretty pretty dresses, high strappy heels, glittery makeup and delicate perfume. Ooh! It'll be more fun than the PL one cos we're older and can afford to preen more. Sides, it'll be *ahem* interesting to see what the guys look like when they actually bother to dress properly. Instead of blue jeans and floppy tees q: Tried quite a few gowns since the exams ended and I liked a handful fairly well. But I'm holding out for the perfect one, heh. Don't know what it looks like now but I'll know when I see it. It'll prolly be simple and black/ white, something elegant and sleek. No fuss, no frills and lace please! Alright, I'm boring all of you already. I'm off to read a nice trashy romance novel. Christmas is drawing near! WeiJiat is back! And so's Isabelle, for that matter. (: Sunday, December 22, 2002 Am I the only person who hasn't watched No, I am not leading anyone on, nor do I 'approve' of toying with people's feelings. Just checking out a few of the many fish in the sea. *wink* I mean after all, the one I sort of want won't want me back. At least, I think, I thought I wanted him. Now, I'm just not that sure. Saturday, December 21, 2002 It doesn't feel like Christmas to me. I don't know what's missing this time, I'm usually pretty hyped up by the carols, the shops, the lights, the food, everything. But it's different now. I didn't even think of getting anyone gifts (think the fact I'm trying to save money had a part to play but still, I'm not quite that miserly). But to my amazement-cum-horror, I got quite a few presents and now, I'll have to return the favor. Don't know whether to be glad that people thought of me, or mildly irritated that I'll have to rack my brains and think of what they'd like. Anyways. It really doesn't feel like Christmas to me. Not even playing boppy Christmas remixes to an 'admiring' crowd, not recieving colorful cards, nothing. Christmas isn't Christmas till it happens in your heart, Somewhere deep inside you, is where Christmas really starts... Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Friday, December 20, 2002 I just got back from dinner with a bunch of friends. Am so well, surprised? Glad? (Bemused might be a better choice) That a few of the people from school came down to watch me perform as well, heh. After a hard day's work in the lab too! I didn't know the Christmas concert was today and tomorrow, not Sat and Sun as Kaiyi told me earlier. From the way that silly boy behaves, I can't believe he's 25! I've got huge blisters on my soles, think my mom's shoes were too tight or something. Plodding all over Changi Hospital didn't exactly do any good either. We managed to contact the 'collaborator' in the nick of time (he's taking a one month leave come Monday) and, after listening to his boss belittle/ tell us stupid stories about his PhD theses, he finally came to the point and agreed to help us if we'd help him. Geez. We are only final year poly students. Not even university undergrads working on their Honours project. How much can we offer? Whatever happened to Christmas Spirit, the Season of Giving? Dunno what happened in the end cos it was kinda hard to follow his grandma stories (not forgetting to nod understandingly and look fascinated at appropriate intervals, lol), but he did give us 10 platefuls of dead bacteria. At least we have that one strain to work with. Must be grateful for small mercies you know. And there's no such thing as a free lunch either! Bleh. I'm really tired tonight. Finally relented and went to the doctor's yesterday to get antibiotics (when you see an afternoon post on a weekday it means I didn't go to school q:) and I only have enough medicine for tomorrow's breakfast. I'm still pretty sick though. Sigh. I really wonder why my immune system's getting weaker as I grow older. It's not supposed to be that way. Suppose it's stress? Ah. Whatever. My toes and fingers are freezing. Thursday, December 19, 2002 Every time I round a corner, I’m hoping it’s you," she whispered, hating herself for the admission. "Whenever I look up. Whenever someone calls my name. It’s you I’m looking for." She swallowed hard. "And you don’t bloody care, do you?" Wednesday, December 18, 2002 I am so sick I can't believe myself. My mind is working so slowly, I daren't even acknowledge the speed of my thoughts. Ears are blocked and I can't breathe. Urgh. My sister says I'm acting like a total brat. syqkwhtndj. I can't think. How'm I supposed to go to school (again) tomorrow? And to find our 'correspondent' from Changi Hospital after that? I couldn't even go for band practice tonight, and it's the last rehersal before this weekend's performance. ): I feel like something the dog dragged home. Tuesday, December 17, 2002 I've got the evil flu. Entire body aching like mad. Fifty thousand hammers pounding inside my head. And I've got to drag myself out of bed to go for the CF gathering. Ouch. Tuesday, December 17, 2002 It's been a bad bad day. Am extremely pissed at supervisor. She wants us to continue this other project a previous student left behind. Insists that the current one hasn't got what it takes to knock off the external examiner's socks cos we don't have clinical samples to boost the results we've obtained. And she isn't exactly trying her best to source around either! She just wants us to help her finish the previous project that the over-enthusiastic student left incomplete so she can get her name published - again. Okay, I'm being mean and she does have a point. She says most of the work is already done, and all we have to do is the literature research and some labwork. (Though I personally have my doubts about the 'not much to do' part). But there is no fu*king way I'm going to sift through piles and piles of journals, electronic and paper. There is NO way I'm going to sit with my eyes glued to the computer terminal for hours on end, 'eyeballing' the stupid stupid primers. I mean, I've HAD ENOUGH of blasting them. Especially when I did over 40 pairs and my partner hasn't even done hers (when technically speaking I've already done it for her and she's just supposed to check and rearrange them into some ordered sense). I know if we take on this extra project, she'll expect us to split the workload evenly. But I've really had it up till *HERE* with paperwork. Besides, we won't really have time to stay in the lab from 9-5 anymore, school's reopening in two weeks! I mean, this project is just one module, I'm not about to let the rest of my grades slip just because my tempremental-fickleminded supervisor needs an extra pair of hands! And as our supervisor, she ought to try all ways and means to help us get the clinical samples we so desperately need! I mean, if she thinks the scope of our current project isn't wide enough, she ought to try and help us! Instead of pressing us to finish up other people's work. Look, I know in the real world it's near impossible to participate in a project from start to finish. But to give up so easily, especially when something CAN be done, that's plain stupid! She's pretty well known in the local circle, I don't believe she doesn't have contacts in hospitals etc. I mean, the very least she could do is to TRY, damnit. There is no way I'm going to do it all over again. IT'S NOT BLOODY FAIR, especailly when I've put in so much effort already. And if you dare say that nothing is, I'll, well, *sputters incoherently* Sunday, December 15, 2002 Got Jack's birthday gifts with Xiulan and Meimei, met Kevin for a drink later. We bought a Nike singlet and a Ripcurl tee, really wanted to get cologne but thought he might take offence, lol. It's his 21st and we haven't exactly gotten him anything since we met, so we figured it's about time we did. (: Just realised that it's only two weeks till term reopens, goodness! I feel like I deserve a long break, the last proper holiday we had was about 1.5 years ago. Got some Mango jeans too, after agonizing since yesterday. Damn, I looked good in the dressing room, everyone said so! And the friends I was with are the honest kind who'd tell you you look gross if they think you do. But when I tried them on just now, blah! I hate my hips. They'd be useful for giving birth next time, but argh, who needs them now? To quote Lianne who got it from somewhere (and uses it to 'console' herself too), "Hips like cow, strong like ox, pull plow when ox sick, bear good children." Righttt. And exercise doesn't make them smaller, they get bigger cos of added muscle. Pffffft. I'd rather have a 28inch waist and 34inch hips than 26-36. It's so depressing, especially in a world where women's hips are the size of well, whatever. Something teeny, at any rate. Sunday, December 15, 2002 "Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young - a place near Your altar" (Psalm 84:3) So why, after four years of alternating between earnestly seeking a place for myself and rebelling out of frustration; why haven't I found one where I truly feel at home yet? A test of patience and building trust, yea whatever, I bought that for quite a while. But honestly, this whole thing is leading to/ indirectly causing a rift in my relationship with Him. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, I'm drifting away from the dearest friend I ever had. I mean, it's gotten so bad (and I only just realised it) I don't even know if I dare to trust Him. I know -intellectually- that there's no limit to His love and there's no way I'll ever be able to stray that far away for Him to be unable to reach/ save me. But I can't manage to believe it anymore. I feel as though an integral part of me has died. Yes, He's the Ressurection and the Life. So why, why doesn't He revive me? Especially when He full well can! And all this while, I'm ebbing away, fading into shades of grey and monochrome. Saturday, December 14, 2002 I just got talking to my friend's father on ICQ (it's a long story but we're pretty good friends). And I realised that I'll be 20 next year. I can't believe it. 20! I never thought I'd be twenty. I suppose this part of me always assumed I'd remain a teen forever. I suppose I never totally grasped the idea/ fact that I'll grow up one day. I mean, once I turn twenty, there's no way of going back, ever. Not that there is any way of turning the hands of time eitherways, but this really hits home the fact. And it's also a little frustrating how my parents seem quite undecided about my 'status'. I mean, I know I'll always be a little girl in their eyes. But they seem to enjoy giving me the responsibilites of an adult coupled with the privileges of a kid, and it's not really, well (at the risk of sounding like a petulant brat), fair. But I have experienced and dealt with more than what they give me credit for. There is no need to protect me, it's time that I learn to face up to this on my own. I've seen so much more than you know now, so don't tell me to shut my eyes... Sometimes, I feel as though I'm treading on a fine line between (young) adulthood and teenage angst. And one misstep in time, be it a fraction of a second too early or late, will send me hurtling in the wrong direction. And I'll remain in that realm forever. And at such times, I fervently thank God He knows what He's doing, Friday, December 13, 2002 After 2 initial sets of dismal results, we finally got one that was pretty ok. Yay, hee. And it was really fun in the lab too, Daphne Azreena Kai Hazel Michelle Mabel etc were making stupid jokes, laughing our heads off at inane things. We had a jolly good time poking fun at how Michelle was jinxing our results and machines. It's really erm, queer? how 'bad luck' strikes whenever she's around. Like, the gel computer hung when she touched it, the pictures we took turned out quite rotten when she was in the darkroom, it started pouring half an hour before she said she thought it would rain (the sky was perfectly clear then!), I managed to print gel photos for everyone else but it didn't work for her... Too many things la. But it was really funny. q: Though the entertainment wasn't worth the expense of our experimental results, so we chased her out after a bit. Hee. Which was why we managed to get respectable results after the failures! And the best part? I figured they weren't perfect cos she left her labcoat in the lab when she went out. Hahaha, clutching at straws eh? And thank God things with Eric seemed ok today. You have no idea how gloomy I was last night because of this. Confirmed that K is attached, oh what a waste! Not that I have a crush on him, but he really is one of the 'better' catches. I suppose it's only pretty natural, he's a) nice b) gentlemanly c) helpful d) cute e) smells really good! *lol* It's really such a pity cos well, why are all the decent guys taken? I mean, it seems as though there's no one left anymore... Because well, while I believe/ hope my Mr Right will someday come, I have a feeling mine got lost, took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions. Thursday, December 12, 2002 I never want to do R&D in the line of Genetics, ever. I've had about enough with looking at minute amounts of DNA, enzymes, whatever; I've had enough of trying to keep track of 1ul (that's one-thousandth of a milliliter!), getting distracted when someone interrupts me halfway and I wonder if I've added it in or not; I've had it with the heart-pounding moments that assail us before we look at the gel under UV. And we've got nothing much to show after a hard day's work either. Argh. It's getting so frustrating, and I'm starting not to care anymore. Classic way of retreating and closing up again eh? I suppose the only good thing would be the fantastic times we have in the lab with friends who're also busy working on their project. Haha, the way Hazel and Kai do the Ikea advertistment is SO spot on! We had such a hilarious time teaching Hazel how to pronounce "fei4 hua4 shao3 shuo1", he kept stringing the words together and they just sounded so funny in his Indian accent! And they've started singing the Lydia song too, the dim sum one. Groan, that's pushing it a bit too far. q: Partner and I shuddered to think of what our class would've become if they were in it, hee. And it's pretty nice working alongside friends, I've gotten to know so many of the people in the other module. But to tell you the truth, I'm really upset (deep down) that Eric's giving me the cold shoulder. He's the TSO in the lab we're working in, and since my partner was gone for such a long time and I didn't know how or where to start (cos my supervisor wasn't exactly very helpful/ approachable either), I had to ask him help. Lots of it, actually. Cos I didn't know how to use the machines as I've never used those in NP on my own and I didn't want experiment for fear of spoiling them, I didn't know how to troubleshoot etc... And he was really really very obliging and kind, coming to my aid many times - even when he was tied up with the Specialist course NP carried out. Till he got fed up, I suppose. He doesn't even greet me anymore. He always used to say hello, we always made small talk... And now he doesn't even respond to my "Good morning". And I'm also a little bit angry. Like, I wonder what's got him so irritated that he's being downright rude. I mean, isn't it only common courtesy to say hello in return? No matter how annoyed I am at Doris (for acting like everything belongs to her), I still say hi when she does! Besides, I only asked him for help in the first few days, the questions stopped once I got the hang of things. I know it's a trival thing and I'm an idiot for getting so upset, but I still feel sad lah. Sort of like I've lost an ally of some sorts... I mean, I've always stood up for him when friends call him stingy, when they find fault with him for being miserly (about lab reagents etc). Because I always found him fundamentally decent beneath his tightfisted and fastidious exterior, I always thought he was one of the nicer TSO's we have. I guess I just feel sort of betrayed? In a weird sort of sense, if you know what I mean. I mean, honestly, I'm more upset over this than the fact our results weren't particularly good. Sigh. |
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