Love, me

Monday, July 14, 2003
12:23 p.m.

Is it too demanding for me to expect him be romantic and creative on our third month anniversary?

Because he is fundamentally such a person. Just not with me, I somehow make him lose? his inspiration.

I don't ask for much, yet I want it all.

Friday, June 20, 2003
02:13 a.m.

I'll give him (more) time, but he simply cannot hurt me in that way anymore. In case you're wondering, it's not so much of the fact he's thick-headed, to quote Denise, as the fact I waited, pretty miserably, for over two hours, while he was there for someone else. Shan't elaborate any further, but yes. See, his way of showing he cares is being there for the person in question. And as his girlfriend, as the person he loves the most, he's supposed to be there for me, first and foremost. It's not just some "rule" I imposed, he implemented it himself. So... Yeah. To give him some credit, he said he wasn't sure I wanted to see him. But he could've come anyways.

I shan't get all het and bothered again, after all, it's over and done with. He knows what hurt me, and he swore never to make me cry anymore. That's quite unrealistic, but well, I'll be happy as long the pain never comes in that form, ever again.

Sunday, June 15, 2003
12:54 a.m.

About our relationship, it certainly hasn't been all good. There were quite a few times I felt incredibly insecure, there were so many occasions I thought I made a very huge blunder by deciding to "choose" him over Kevin; because at those times, the differences between Kane and I seemed too huge to overcome, the odds seemed insurmountable. I mean, I'm not, by nature, a very accepting person. And there's SO much of him I've got to accept and love. (The situation is also vice versa, but he's not half as demanding and "rigid" as I am). But yes. There were alot of times I felt everything was wrong.

But there were many many more times things were sooo right, when it just felt so natural that we were together. I'm glad we took the risk. Like I told him back then, when we had our "talk", if we didn't give it a shot, we'd never have known if things would work out. And I think the risk is one that panned out. (:

What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used know?
If I'd stayed, if you tried,
If we could only turn back time,
But I guess we'll never know

I didn't want to look back and regret not doing anything, you see.

Saturday, June 7, 2003
01:30 p.m.

Okay, after much thought, I think I've come to two conclusions.

1) I'm so emotionally high maintenance not because I can't rely on myself, but because of it. Because I'm so independant, because I used to be so independant, when he came along and wanted to take care of my every need, I let him. At the risk of offending all the feminists out there, it is nice to have someone who wants to take care of you. But the catch is that he can't possibly be there for me 24/7. As much as he'd love to, there will be, and there are, other times when he's got other more pressing committments. So it leaves me feeling neglected. And I feel like, Hey, what happened to your committment to me? And if it gets really bad, I start wallowing in gobs of self pity and misery. Yeuch.

Anyways. Only way to solve that is to decrease my dependance on him. The lessened reliance might hurt him, but well, it's just the way it's gotta be. Because it hurts even more, when he isn't available.

Argh. I don't quite make sense.

2) Try as he might, he simply isn't one to show constant affection. He's just not romantic. q: And I guess I'll have to deal with that too, I have to accept the fact he's not the kind who'll leave me surprise love notes to show he cares. And once I wean myself off these expectations, I won't be disappointed when he fails to display his affections, because if you don't expect anything, you won't be let down.

There! Q.E.D. *grin*