Friday, April 11, 2003
05:58 p.m.
Argh. Stupid facts for stupid Proteomics aren't going into my head, I wonder why. *sarcasm dripping from every word* I'm sick to death of studying. Never "believed" in memorising and spitting out answers word for word until last semester, when I regurgitated like a bulimic and ended up with 3 distinctions and 2 As. I've never done so well before, I want to at least get straight As this semester (project notwithstanding), so I've got to memorise like crazy again.
I've crammed in 5 chapters and the remaining two are the most challenging ones. But my brain can't take anymore. Damn. Oh well, off to meet Kane for dinner.
Thursday, April 10, 2003
08:06 p.m.
So. Very. Stressed. Got back our second draft today and oh goodness. Partner and I were completely demoralised at the red slashes, circles and exclaimation marks scrawled everywhere. Intro was alright now that we got past the 10 page "requirement", and she finally got round to reading the Results and Discussion section; boy, we thought we were really and truly dead. She wasn't very mean about it, not quite, she just "took offence" to the negative way I was writing about our negative results. (You can see why, right? I mean duh, only 60% of our primers worked, how much worse can things get?) And she didn't quite like how "waffly" we were, but now we know she's not insisting we cough up 10 000 words like we thought she wanted, that won't be a problem anymore. She was also so fickle minded. Wanted the format to be changed again, to what it was somewhat like in our first draft. *lets out a huge, exasperated sigh* I haven't felt this discouraged and defeated in a long, long time.
Thursday, April 10, 2003
01:17 a.m.
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
For love
For your dream
For the adventure of being alive
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
If you have been opened by life's betrayals
Or have become shriveled and closed
From fear of further pain
I want to know if you can sit with pain
Mine or your own
Without moving to hide it
Or fix it
Or fade it
I want to know if you can be with joy
Mine or your own
If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to
Be careful
Be realistic
To remember the limitations of being human
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul
If you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty everyday
And if you can source your own life from it's presence
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine
And still stand at the edge of the lake
And shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."
It doesn't interest me to know were you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair
Weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done
To feed the children
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
And if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments
(Oriah Mountain Dreamer)
Doesn't that just make for beautiful reading? Especially before bed, before sleep grants me a much needed reprive from the ever-increasing amount of work. I suddenly feel at peace, at one with the world. (:
Tuesday, April 8, 2003
11:54 p.m.
Today was one of the last times we were "full time" in the lab. And then it truly hit me in full force how much I'll miss the whole thing. Like I told my partner, I'll really miss the little everyday stuff. Inelegant mundane jobs like filling pipette tips and lugging the metal baskets to the smelly smelly autoclave room, casting our gels with the private stash of agarose Mrs Goh gave us, making stupid digs at Hazel and his masking tape fetishes, shamelessly eavesdropping on Hazel and Kai's conversations as they eavesdrop on ours... Teasing Eric, he's really gotten into the whole babytalk thing and it would freak me out if he weren't so avuncular, haha. Making 10X TBE and subsequently diluting it, dissolving agarose solutions in the tempremental microwave oven, preparing fiddly little PCR tubes (okay, I know I won't miss labelling them!). I'll miss the darkroom. Especially since partner and I have developed this synchronised system of taking polaroids, we're got our routine down pat and can do it in the, well, dark. Like we're supposed to! But I can do it alone, it takes skill and practice ok *grin* I'll miss the way I know how to work the even more tempremental polaroid machine, how I've gotten to know its moods and what I've got to do before it spits out a perfect photo. And how we've also developed a similar system to load our gels. Sigh. I'll miss the lifts, though yesterday, one of them had a red dustbin inside! I'll miss kicking the lab doors open, loath to touch the handles with ungloved hands for fear the previous person left some gross stuff on it. Miss Jona and Eric and Weiling and Amy... Miss going to the toilets and complaining how frightfully washed out we look cos of the dreadful light. Miss scuttling to the Instru lab with icebox in hand, heading for the fridge where all our experimental stuff are kept.
*heaves a big big sigh* Yes, there'll always be the memories. But they fade and distort with time.
And unless we have to repeat any PCRs, we just took our last polaroid. *sob*
Tuesday, April 8, 2003
12:28 a.m.
I'm currently in a very good mood. *beams* Went to Kane's house after school and watched him draw on my new labcoat. I got inspiration from the picture above, which was originally from explodingdog.com. He let me paint the flower (in place of the heart, because people would talk, even more than they already are now!) and fill in the outlines of the people. Ooh, I'll take pictures when it's fully completed and post them. It's SO pretty! *starts sputtering like a fish out of water* Only thing is, he absolutely refuses to accept monetary payment, so I think I'll get him a voucher or something from an art shop. He'll be able to get more fabric paint, he's been doing SO many labcoats! I feel like demanding payment from those people whom he helped but it would be so weird because they'd question my "authority" to be his "loanshark". Haha. Recently started sticking up for things alot more, prolly under the influence of pig-headed Lianne. Self described, no less! q: Which is a good thing cos I think I toned down too much previously. There was a period in time I seriously thought people were taking advantage of my being flexible and easy-going. Oh wells.
The days are simply flying by. I cannot believe school's almost out. ):
Sunday, April 6, 2003
11:31 p.m.
I wanted to write about my day but something just happened and I don't quite know what to think. Nothing major, nothing earth-shattering. But I think I just made K even angrier than he already is. He msged a while ago, saying he had a very bad argument with his parents and didn't quite know who to turn to. I was being the listening ear, dispensing advice etc... Till he sort of got on my nerves for being so melodramatic and oh-the-world-is-falling-down-and-everyones-against-me. And argh, we all know how that gets my goat like nothing else does. Told him to think things through when he's calmer and erm well, to quit being so negative. And his reply was so cuttingly sarcastic. *wince* He didn't reply after I apologised for downplaying how he felt... I think I was too harsh, no one wants to hear they're over reacting, especially when things are that bad. Oh dear.
I just msged an "appropriately contrite" apology (without coming across as being overly eager to say sorry)... Thank God he replied, telling me not to be silly, and that he appreciated my advice. *blinks* I'm glad he didn't take offence; or if he did, that he's no longer angry.
Damn PMS. I'm extremely irritable today.
Saturday, April 5, 2003
10:12 p.m.
There are times when a woman has to say what's on her mind
Even though she knows how much it's gonna hurt
Before I say another word, let me tell you "I love you"
Let me hold you close, and say these words as gently as I can
"There's been another man that I've needed and I've loved,
But that doesn't mean I love you less,
And he knows he can't possess me, and he knows he never will,
There's just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill"
Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool
Loving both of you is breaking all the rules
Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool
Loving you both is breaking all the rules
You mustn't think you failed me just because there's someone else
You were the first real love I ever had,
And all the things I ever said
I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you
Couldn't really blame you if you turned and walked away
But with everything I feel inside, I'm asking you to stay
Friday, April 4, 2003
11:47 p.m.
Whee! Went shopping with WeiLan today and actually spent more than $75 all at once. It's been a while since I gave into my inner shopaholic and let myself splurge in one go; I normally content myself with a top here and there, a pair of sandals on occassion, small singular stuff like that. Of course, accessories don't count! *beams* Now if you'll excuse me, I'll enter my bimbotic girl mood and go on at length about my happy material-girl day. Checked out specs at Taka, found a nice pair that made me look even more intellectual *ahem* than I already do, and will drag Mummy down so she can ermmm, pay for it. q: Got a pair of blue-grey jeans and this cute T-back top from Zara, quite on impulse. Don't know if I'll get many chances to wear the top, but I got it all the same cos it was so cute! Blue towel-like material, all fuzzy and terryish, if you know what I mean. (: There was an absolutely lovely white ankle length dress with two slits at the sides, all the way up to the calf. The kind a girl getting married in Alkaff Mansion would wear, very garden/ beach wedding-ish. Lovely, lovely! I almost said to heck with not having ANY chance to wear it for the next 10 years or so (giving a very generous leeway), but my practical-thrifty (really!) side protested. Sigh. Not to mention the immediate mental scenario that dress conjured! It was so real, it took my breath away. Completely freaked me out... Though a secret part was thrilled...? I'll let you know if it ever does come to pass, though it's highly unlikely! Got other miscellaneous stuff like earrings and a hair clip from Future State. Wanted to get black sandals but they didn't have my size, boo-hoo!
Okay, I think I better stop talking about these silly things. But they made me very happy today. (:
Friday, April 4, 2003
02:23 a.m.
Went to Lianne's place in the afternoon in a bid to start studying for the 20% Proteomics test next Saturday, which we, incidentally, didn't know we had (and everyone did!). Didn't get much work done, again, only read through 3 chapters of stuff that I didn't know existed in the notes. Sigh. When Huang Yan finished teaching during the last lecture, I was like, shit! You mean she's actually come to the end of her notes? Oh bleh. Anyways, I suppose even that little bit of work was better than nothing. Sigh, looks like school mayn't reopen on Monday after all. We'll see how it goes..
Met Kevin after that for prata, argh. And after much analyzing (with help from Lianne, the 'omniscient' one q:), I think I really am the "out of sight out of mind" kind. Most of the time anyways, and that'd depend on how much the person meant to me. She said I was "scaring" her with how much more frequently I brought Kane's name up in our conversations; reminded me of how I used to talk about K more often. And "bemoaned" the fact I didn't, now. Perhaps it's just how much often I'm seeing Kane in comparison, we see each other almost every day in the labs/ lecture theatre, if not everyday. Whereas I don't meet K that often anymore, only about once a week, because I've been so busy with school. Anyways, I kinda forgot what my point was. But sigh. Why does he have to be so charming? Especially since he's so not an innately sweet person. Gah! And why do I have to go to Australia in such a short time? I've a feeling he might seriously be into me otherwise. Bah. Perhaps I need to get myself away from this mess asap, after all.
Why is it that guys are like buses, they either don't come and you wait impatiently for what seems like forever, or they come ALL at once? I'm seriously amazed. I mean, after 4 years of being single, going through crushes and pseudo, and in some instances, one-sided love affairs, serious potential candidates sprout up like mushrooms after a torrential downpour. *baffled* I mean, how's a girl to decide?