Sunday, March 16, 2003
01:20 a.m.

I am so bloody tired of this report. We have 5821 words now, excluding references and the bit my partner has to include about PCR. Which should bring the total word count to... Well, I refuse to speculate. I just hope it'll reach 7000!

Gah. On a lighter note, band practice was surprisingly enjoyable. My sight-reading was surprisingly good. Perhaps it was because Les Miserables was uhhh, surprisingly easy to play. *grin*

I need sleeeeeep. I swear I resemble a zombie (with red cheeks, heh).

Saturday, March 15, 2003
12:33 a.m.

After what, an entire day in front of the computer (and half of last night was spent slaving over the Materials and Methods), I'm almost done with the Results. Other than the explaination for the super super weird gel photo for iceA, the rest of the weird and not-so-weird results have been explained away with crap, crap and more crap. Credible crap, to boot! I've got 3749 words on my side after all the beating around the bush, generally being as long-winded as I can in a (very) desperate effort to up the number of words. Heck, I managed to explain in 80 words why we needed a negative control, when it could have been easily written in under 20! Partner's done 1200 worth of Intro (and I'm impressed, because of all the cross-referencing and the hours she spent skimming through the THICK stack of journals), so we've just passed the 5000 mark. q: And if our 1000 word long references list can be included in the total word count, we should hit 7000! *grin* Trust me, I'm surprised we managed that. There's no way I can finish the Discussion, Recommendations and Conclusion tonight though, I can't even think properly! So we're begging our supervisor to extend the dateline.

They really shouldn't torture us like this; instead of savouring the last few weeks of school, we spend it all slaving over crap reports and presentations! Kinda pathetic, if you think about it.

Anyways, here's my comment to what my partner wrote on her blog:

From 259 words to 5014 in 1 day flat!
It's _____ and Sarah, heavily in project debt!
So come one, come all, place your bets,
On who will first start to crack!

I think i've finally lost it! (And no, absolutely no pun intended. q:)

Thursday, March 13, 2003
10:03 p.m.

I didn't have the time to update last night, was simply too tired after band ended late (and I got home even later). Anyways. I'm suitably confused. Mom's been praising NTU's Biological Sciences course, extolling its virtues, harping on the fact they said they'd give poly grads one year exemption (came out in today's newspapers but I already knew a few weeks ago). Talked to Dr Chang this afternoon (she was a Prof at UQ for 2 years) and she put most of my fears to rest. As long as I work as hard as I did here, qualifying for Honors isn't gonna be much of a problem. Getting a second-upper or first class would pretty much depend on the scope of my project and the supervisor, and she said she'd advice me on that when the time draws nearer. Aye... My mom's really got a way of raining on my parade though. Whenever I talk to my friends about going to UQ, I get excited and happy and exhilirated! I mean, apart from missing them and everything in Singapore, that is. I voice my deepest concerns to them, sharing my not-so-secret hopes and fears, and they always make me feel better about everything. But when I talk to my mom, it's totally different. She just has all her fingers plugged firmly on my guilt buttons, she knows how to and has no qualms about exploiting that to the fullest. Bleh. I wanna go. I don't wanna go. But at this very moment, the part of me that wants to go is quite a fair bit larger than the part that wants to stay. I need to escape! To be free! I'm so bloody stifled here!

Gotta go now, I've only written about 629 words for the Materials & Methods section of my report. Partner's done 259 words for her share of the Introduction. Great, all we need before 12pm Saturday are another what, 8000 words. I'm really having doubts as to whether we'll be able to break the 5000 mark at all; there's only so much crap and beating around the bush one can hope to get away with!

Tuesday, March 11, 2003
11:41 p.m.

Am currently rather upset with a few things. I lost 11 marks from the Proteomics test because of one formula I remembered wrongly. It led to a whole chain of miscalculations and poof, 11 marks gone, just like that. I could have gotten 98.5%. I'm not upset I didn't get the chance to top the module, really I'm not. I feel sad because well, it's just *ouch* la. Knowing that it was such a stupid mistake that cost me those marks. I don't want (or see the need to) compete with other people, I compete with myself to do the best I know I can do. Which was why it hurt. Anyways. I was also irritated with someone who shall be unamed. She got 95% and was griping about how she always came in second, third, forth place; and never first. Gah. And she also insisted on asking Huang Yan how Grace scored (she got 98%), even when I was like, but that's not a very nice thing to do! Sigh. I'm not that upset anymore, but it was a shock to my system when I realised the full implications of a formula wrongly memorised.

Wanted to swim but it poured like crazy and I ended up indulging myself. Took an hour long bubble bath, used half a bottle of stuff from the Body Shop, read another soppy book while listening to the music marathon on Class95. *grin* And I felt so much better. Till I went down to Hollywood Secrets to shape my eyebrows before meeting WL. The girl doing mine was an ah-lian and was such a bitch. Apart from her snootish air, she ignored my very specific request; I told her not to make them too thin and that I didn't want them too arched either. She totally screwed everything up. ARGH. I HATE it when stuff like that happens. I hate the way hairdressers' sometimes butcher your hair, even after you tell them all you want is a trim, not a crew cut. Damnit, are they so spiteful that they do it intentionally, knowing full well WE are the ones that have to live with an awful haircut for the next couple of months? I mean, what does it matter to them if you look terrible? And now I have to wait for my bloody eyebrows to grow out. And they'll look scraggly and pathetic! Damnit! She even over-plucked them, they're rather sparse now. I had to buy an emergency eyebrow pencil from Body Shop. I left my home with over 60 bucks and have only 8 dollars left!

Pah. I'm thoroughly put off. And having everysingleperson ask how much I've written for the first draft of my Final Year Report isn't improving my mood. I mean, which part of "We haven't written a single word" do you not understand? Why is it so hard to believe that we haven't started at all?!

Sorry about that, I just needed to vent. I promise I'll be nice tomorrow.

Monday, March 10, 2003
11:47 p.m.

Something within me tells me that... Neither of the K's is the one for me after all. I mean, it's so hard to define what I want. It's also scary, knowing how low the chances of actually meeting someone who'd be perfect for me are. Maybe I oughtn't be that picky after all, what if he never does come my way? Wouldn't it be wiser to stay with someone who fits a fair bit of my "requirements", even though not all of them are there?

But then again, what if I do meet my personal Mr Right? Only to find we can't be together because I made the mistake of settling for less? Pah. I'm only twenty. I shouldn't be worrying about this now. But then again, if I don't, then when?

Sunday, March 9, 2003
11:34 p.m.

*prances around madly* Haha. Haha. We finally finished the LSSS report! Pretty respectable too, 1834 words. It mayn't seem much but it was difficult to sift through the piles of stuff to find the relevant things (that we understood). AHHHHH! I've been online since 12 p.m. (when Faizal, Lianne and Kane messaged at the same time to ask for stuff, waking me up) and at long last, it's done! The bloody references was such a pain though, it brought back memories of my Artemisinin report for DDD; I had about 40 references and it was an absolute nightmare trying to get them to resemble some orderly form. Double checking, triple checking... Was a little worse this time because the both of us got our information from different sources and it was so confusing, correctly fitting the reference to it's little snippet of information. *groan* But hey, the report is done! I feel so relieved and happy and am now going offline to give my poor computer a rest. I want to finish my fluffy romance book before I sleep tonight. (:

Sunday, March 9, 2003
05:53 p.m.

I'm... A trifle worried about leaving for Australia so soon after all. Was just talking to my mommy about it, and she sure has a way of pouring cold water on my enthusiasm. Not that I wasn't already aware of all these problems, I already counted the cost, weighed the pros and cons and decided that it was ultimately worth it. But the fear was replaced with excitement, anticipation bubbling over as I discussed the possibilities of everything with Isabelle, deciding where to go and what to do and things to eat and clothes to buy. Heh, doesn't sound as if I'll plan to study much, ne? q: But I will, I won't squander my parents hard earned money just to satisfy my frivolous wants. And all of my friends graduating the same time as me enviously said I was lucky for being able to afford an overseas education. And I'm sort of itching to get away from my stifling parents too, they've been really getting paranoid of late. Sleeping at 3 a.m. (when I was banging out my LSSS report and okay fine, talking to about seven friends simultaneously but hey, I can multi-task!) got me a lecture. Forgetting to recharge the electric toothbrush (one of the rare times it slipped my mind) got me another 10 minute scolding. Seriously.

But... I don't know if I'll be able to cope with the third year syllabus. I mean, I won't have the people I do have over here for help, I won't be able to sound out ideas and suss out meanings with Lianne/ Grace. I'll miss NP dreadfully, almost as much as I did PL (and that's saying quite a lot). I'll miss my sister, I won't be around to watch her frantically mug for her O's, I won't be here to see her face light up with delight as she recieves her results (I know she'll do fantastically well). My mommy, I'll be worried that she'll be lonely with my sis entering JC next year. My daddy too, I don't know if he'll continue working late; I don't know if he'll have the time to keep my mommy company; heck, I don't know if he'll even be sensitive enough to see that she'll be in desperate need of companionship! Dearest friends, special people whom I hold close to my heart. they'll be so far away... I don't know if I'll be able to survive without my daily dosage of hugs and embraces, Kane and my sister won't be there to fulfill those particular requirements. I'll be so awfully lonely sometimes. And I still can't really cook, I'm such a slob unless the housekeeping gene in me is switched on (and it seldom is), and I didn't know bathrooms had to be regularly scrubbed!

And I don't know if I'm that psychologically equipped to deal with the transition and the change. But one thing I do know for sure. If I wait till the February intake next year in hope that Lianne or other people will enter with me, it's still not a guarantee they'll be able to afford the school fees then. And I know I'll regret waiting, bumming around in the 8 months in between; because no one in their right mind will consider hiring a fresh poly grad for such a short period of time. I know I'll be beating myself up for being too chicken to go alone. And I know that for me, staying in a local university would be taking the easy way out, I'll beat myself up again if I chose security and eternal sameness over experiencing new things and savouring independence. I've already regretted like hell for not making more of an effort to convince my parents I wanted to go for the Overseas Industrial Attachment Program back in Year 2. I'm not about to throw everything away again this time.

I need to move out of my comfort zone. It's scary as hell, but I've got to do it for me.

Sometimes you just have to take the plunge right away. Sort of like jumping straight into the deep end of the icy cold pool instead of dithering around at the edge.

Saturday, March 8, 2003
10:06 p.m.

I have to stop bingeing like an Energizer bunny. Just came back from Swensons, I had the Chocolate Malt thing plus their crinkly fries and whatever crap else. And the only reason I didn't get the Mushroom & Cheese Hotdog combination was cos I had sushi and some stuff from Old Chang Kee barely an hour before that. Argh! I don't know for sure why, but I think it's because of the stress. Damnit. I feel so disgusted with myself for the lack of self control. I mean, argh! I guess the worst part is that I don't eat healthy food either, it's mainly junk and chocolate and more junk. I've devoured nearly thirty kit-kats over the past two weeks. Haven't been visting the gym or swimming either, so I feel doubly flabby and sick. *wibbles*

DIET. Don't Ingest Every Thing.

Friday, March 7, 2003
02:46 p.m.

I'm in school again, attempting to read the epilepsy journal articles we printed the day before. The Hybridoma Tech test was rather sucky, stuff that I didn't bother remembering came out, and I just may be able to clinch an A if he's lenient enough. I don't know how we're going to finish the LSSS report and the first draft of our project by next week, honest I don't. I'm just so sick of school and everything vaguely related to work. Argh. Haven't had a decent break since the one we had at the end of Year One! And the stupid bacteria actually grew (well, if you consider three measly colonies that appeared on 6 of the blood agar plates as growth, that is), and we'll have to restreak them and do a riboprinting to make sure it's the right strain. And then we have 50 PCRs to look forward to before the project is completed. And if I go overseas, it'd be right away, one month after the final draft is submitted and the dread of the external examination has passed. And I'll be directly submerged into 3rd year classes. Sigh.

I want to bury my head beneath my bed covers. Please?

Wednesday, March 5, 2003
11:37 p.m.

I never would have thought I'd be someone who'd be attracted to two guys simultaneously. I cannot figure out why I feel this way, I know I'm not a bad person. I'd never ever do anything to hurt anyone in that way, least of all, Kane. And I guess the more mind-boggling thing is that it'd be possible with him, for sure; and things with the other one (K) aren't that impossible either!

I mean, seriously. Things like this just don't happen to girls like me.

If I only could decide
But I can't make up my mind
I'm breaking all my rules
Because of you
You can tell me it's not right
And it tears me up inside
But the problem is
I'm so in love with two.

I'm not "in love" with either of them, but this song sort of describes my predicament. And finally (bet you guys are sick of my "new found discoveries"), I never thought I'd actually understand what Mikaila meant; I always had the impression she enjoyed the challenge of playing with people's feelings. But...

Wednesday, March 5, 2003
12:51 a.m.

I think I'd be a terribly possessive girlfriend. Jealous and over-suspiscious. Especially if the way green eyed monster reared it's ugly head today is an inkling of how it'll be next time; if there ever is a next time, that is. I guess the part that really takes the cake is the fact I haven't got any right to be jealous, not in the least. And it was such a trifle reason too. Argh. But why do I feel insecure when it's her? I don't and wouldn't care if it were somebody else he's getting close to. This doesn't bode well.

Studying hasn't been on schedule. Spent a lot more time talking, eating and drifting off to sleep on the comfy arm chairs in Delifrance than I did reading the notes. The test's worth 25% of my grade. *collapses* I feel exhausted and brain dead. I cannot believe we have so much to memorise again. I feel... Drained. Lifeless. Catatonic, even.

Tuesday, March 4, 2003
12:41 a.m.

Thank God over and over again, the facts I half remembered somehow made themself stick in my head this morning, and memorising the rest of them was pretty much a breeze. I even had the time (and the nerve) to get online for two hours before the test started, heh. Could answer nearly every question perfectly, and unless I majorly screwed up while designing the experiment, it should be alright. Now to gird up my loins and get ready to tackle Hybridoma! That's a headache cos it's on Thurs morning (don't have the luxury of the extra few hours) and I haven't read through the notes yet. Haven't been paying attention to Dr Sukumar since about halfway through the module too. Sigh.

Can I even be more confused than I already am? I was seriously thinking of giving up the idea of K, letting Kane have a fair chance instead. Because I came across my old paper journal (while I was supposed to be studying yesterday) and saw a brief summary of my "criteria" for a boyfriend/ husband. And found that Kane fit all of them; even the "gentlemanly" and "affectionate" bits, which weren't prerequisites but were what I thought would be nice in my guy. And he's got those two qualities in abundance. And all of those I deemed necessary too (except maybe intelligent might be pushing it just a little, but he certainly isn't stupid). I was searching high and low for my full criteria list but I can't find it at all! Anyways so! I started out the day with firm resolve. And it nearly ended that way too, but K comes along and asks me to let him know when I have another beach craving again (inside joke) and other miscellaneous stuff. *tears at hair in frustration*

Why? And the best part is, why now?!! If I didn't know any better, I'd say God is having a laugh at my expense. If I didn't know better.