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(Monday, October 14, 2002) (07:37 a.m.) It's 7:30 in the morning and I'm awake. Didn't go to school to work on Stats before the lecture because I think I'd rather spend a few hours on my drug assignment. I'm feeling reallllly stressed with all that's been going on. Especially since the exams are coming, and I don't feel as though I've learnt much so far. Certainly not enough to be tested on, at any rate! Anyways. Went for Pram's BBQ last night, met people whom I haven't seen for 2 years or more. It was nice to see them again, relieving old memories of PL. And they still remembered D.Lau! I never knew so many people knew of my obsession, it's so embarrassing now. But they also had their own dirty little secrets, so it's a truce. (: I miss quite a few of them. Save the occassional sms, we never exactly kept in touch because though we were on friendly terms, we weren't from the same clique. It's strange how Secondary school relationships divide themselves into such stringent and clear lines, isn't it? It's also 7:30 in the morning and I'm thinking of him already. (Saturday, October 12, 2002) (10:36 p.m.) "Some of us know this feeling all too well. This kind of waiting and wishing, and hating and wanting, and fists clenching tight for no reason whatsoever. It’s a matter of stress coupled with inability. Inability to speak up or walk forward, preferring to wait for the wanting to pass, and wanting for nothing but simple factors to be aligned, certain games to be played out and beaten." (She says) Oh no. I think it's coming back to him again. Don't ask how, don't ask why, don't even ask who. If you know, you know; if you don't, you won't. Tingles. I mean, I never believed in sparks of attraction, I thought the airy-fairy way Celeste Chong gushed about "tingles traveling down your spine" in the "Making Love" serial absolutely hilarious. I mean, who ever really believed in the "surrounding air sizzling with electricity" and other smarmy cliches like these? I think I was too numb from cold, and that's why my fingers tingled with such raw intensity and exquisite pain when they grazed his that day. That has to be it. Anyways. I don't have the chance to analyze and do some badly needed introspecting. Next week's schedule: Lab report (10%) due Monday. Practical exam (30%) Wed. Drug assignment (20%) due Friday. Stats project stuff (10%) on Sat. After 8 hours spent in front of the computer, thank God I managed to some pretty relavant stuff for DDD, and finish the primer sequences for my project supervisor; she's been hounding me. I won't have the time to do a BLAST till the prac exam is over; and I'll have to rush the editing of my drug assignment by then! And once this week ends, it's the study break. And the exams, worth 60% this time, start the week after. Oh. (Friday, October 11, 2002) (09:42 p.m.) Just got back from lolling around the NP bus-stop with Yongyi. We met to hand in some work, and he kept me company till it was time for me to leave for church. Only I got really lazy and my face got really oily and I decided not to go. He's a wonderful friend, and this makes up for the times when he's so irritatingly indecisive. Guys aren't supposed to be nua, but he's more nua than most girls. Plus, he's got the weirdest notions! Like, he was so paranoid that Dr Zaman and Dr Koh would see us together and assume we were a couple, he refused to let me go to the Atrium cos he saw them talking there. Seriously! And when I insisted (had to get a stamp to post a letter to WJ), he childishly made me walk in front of him, to make it seem as though we weren't together. *Shakes head* It was a pity we didn't see them, because I would have loved to see Yongyi turn red. Hee. But he's like my older sister/ younger brother la; yes, you read it correctly. He's really like the jie mei I never had. But anyways. I got weirded out at how he kept on singing WT's praises. I mean, no means no, right? I don't even want us to be friends because I don't feel safe around him! He gives me the creeps! And it's not just because he watches porn, I know of other guy friends who do that too. But it's different somehow. And when Xiulan asked me if I would still like Sam if I found out he watches such things, I said I think I would. Maybe not crush on him anymore, but I would still think he was a nice person etc. Although my opinion of him would drop and I'd be disappointed that he would stooop to watching uch things, I would still feel safe around him. It's just the sleazy way WT looks me up and down that gets my goat la. He's like a younger version of my pervert lecturer, only worse because he's much huger! Anyways, WL and I went to PLMC to study today. We didn't get much work done cos we kept on talking. But I'm glad we met anyways, because I want to be there for her. And she's another wonderful friend I'm blessed to have (: I really need to find a church. ARPC doesn't quite do for me. (Thursday, October 10, 2002) (08:52 p.m.) I'm a happy girl today. (: Didn't have the energy to update after I got back yesterday. I met WJ for the last time, and we were hugging and whimpering and nearly crying; right in the middle of Plaza Singaupra. I know she's coming back, and I'm looking forward to that. I just hope she'll be safe and happy. Anyways. I was rather depressed after that whole scene and wanted some companionship. Just a friend to talk to and be with, you know? But everyone I called didn't want to/ couldn't meet. I mean, I understood that WL had a project meeting, Pram Yanru Laraine were in school, Cheryl was sick, Yongyi was with WeeTee (and I didn't want to talk to him) etc. Didn't want to bother Grace cos she called me the night before and the both of us were relieving our guilty feelings about the prac for two whole hours. I knew that there were others that would want to make time if I asked them to. But I'm choosy, I only want to be around select persons when I'm feeling down. I guess I was rather disappointed that some weren't willing to. Anyways. Xiulan was so sweet, and we had a jolly good time. Ended up comfort shopping, I got another skirt and a top. :D Which makes it my 4th skirt! This is a great improvement you know; I used to be someone you had to blackmail before I'd put one on. But frankly, skirts are extremely comfy and versatile, I don't know why I was so against that idea last time. My classmates can't stop gaping and marveling at the 180 degree change, hee. And SO many people told me I've lost weight. I don't quite know what to say to that. Though the standard response would be to say "Thanks!", why should I? I mean, they mean it as a compliment, and I guess a part of me takes it as one. But why should it be meant as one? I could go on and on but I'll start rambling, so I won't. Besides, it wasn't exactly a conscious determinated effort on my part, so it's not to my credit. When I met one of my lecturers (a well known pervert) in the lift today, he looked at my face and his eyes drifted downward, staying in the vicinity of my chest for the entire ride. Mind you, he was addressing his remarks to my front! I mean, yes, I was wearing a V-necked lycra top. But I'm not buxom and busty! And I very nearly slapped him. I mean, I can handle being looked at, it's rather gratifying when people (that you like; not otherwise) check you out. It's okay if their eyes wander a little because I guess it's only out of natural curiosity. But he was positively drooling. And married! Sick! Anyways. Thank God because things are okay with Dr Koh. I embarrassed myself yesterday by apologising to him (Yongyi and Baoling saw us walking together and they were so scandalised, sheesh!). And well, it was so awkward cos he said he didn't even realise we were angry. ?? Maybe Grace and I over-reacted, but the tension was so thick you could slice it with the proverbial knife. He's either acting blur like he always does, or he's really that clueless (personally, I vote for the former). But even if he didn't know that we were irritated, I'd rather have him think I was oversensitive and slightly off my rocker. Because I'd rather feel humiliated than guilty! He's just got the innocent yuan1 wang4 look lah. Yes, I am a happy contented soul tonight. (: (Tuesday, October 8, 2002) (11:50 p.m.) It was a horrible, horrible day. Be prepared. The protein presentation was a complete flop. Apart from all those hours spent trying to figure out the tutorial assignments and stuff, I spent 7 hours doing the four assignments last night and another 2 hours touching everything up this morning. I mean, I even typed out notes for my reference, in case he asked weird questions like he's apt to! And Dr Koh had to ask me to present the one protein I wasn't familiar with. The reason I wasn't familiar with it was because he told Grace and I that that particular protein wasn't that important, and that we should concentrate on the other four. So I let that one slip, and focused all my energies into doing a fab job for the rest. AND HE HAD TO ASK ME TO EXPLAIN THE ONE AND ONLY PROTEIN I DIDN'T COMPLETE! And I was so shaken and horrified that I completely zonked out and started freaking. And I couldn't even find the bloody inhibitor, the very basic first step. In the end, he got so impatient? looking at me trying to figure it out that he told me to try again later. If not for Grace, Liling and Yufen's help, I wouldn't have been able to give him any answers at all. And he obviously knew that they helped me because it was so damn, well, obvious! He's going to penalise me like mad for not being able to do it on my own. And he'll think that I don't know how to use the program, when I DO! I mean, I figured out the rest of the assignments myself! With my own effort! I merely couldn't work out that particular protein in front of him because I was panicking and it was so unexpected! And he had to choose the thing that I thought wasn't important. And the assignment is worth what, 20% percent of my final grade. Do you know how much 20% is? It'll make a difference between an A and a C! I feel so misjudged and wronged! And the crowning insult is that half my friends didn't even bother touching their assignments - at all - and he said that those who weren't prepared could do it next week and those that were prepared could do it today. Well, all I can say is that he ought to penalise them for not doing/ trying to do it, and needing extra time to complete the assignments! Because it's not fair! Especially when those leechers who finshed their work and were prepared, and yet purposely stayed back to get tips on what the questions were like so they could be better equipped for their presentation the following week! Argh! I wasn't the only one completely pissed. Jack's face was a shade of black that I've never seen before. He was angry cos he thought Dr Koh showed me preferential treatment by letting me have another chance to present (Dr Koh refused to let him add another detail to the presentation he made earlier). But honestly, Dr Koh isn't unfair lah. He gave me another shot because I couldn't do a single thing. At least Jack had the decency to apologise, and I explained the situation to him after that. And you know what? Instead of feeling all pissed out at the person who prolly just gave me a D, guilt overcame me about 5 minutes after we left the room. And I felt more and more terrible as the hours ticked by. I almost cried when he didn't come for CF. I mean, he comes for 8/10 of our meetings, and I don't think it's a coincidence that he didn't join us today. He has extraordinarily sharp ears, I bet he heard Michelle yelling "I hate him I hate him I hate him!" after we exited the room. He's not blind either, he must have seen Yufen close to tears, and the rest of our angry faces glaring at him. I feel as though I'm the worst person in the world, because I think I just contributed to making someone feel absolutely awful. I'm evil. Diabolical. Cruel. And irregardless of how tired I am, I won't be able to sleep tonight. (Tuesday, October 8, 2002) (11:09 a.m.) Thank God I managed to work out the protein practical. (Take a look here in case you're interested to see the thing that bugged me for the past couple of weeks). Doing it was horrible! I mean, most of us didn't even know how to start because we didn't know what was required. And I remember how stupid Grace and I sounded when we asked Dr Koh about it on Saturday... Sheesh. Thinking about presenting our results and explaining it to him later on makes me nervous. Talking to him about school stuff makes me feel so, so ignorant and stupid! Especially when I go into the room thinking I've got it all figured out - at last - and he totally wrecks my confidence by asking me a question that makes me think everything I thought I understood previously wasn't true, and that I simply didn't get it at all. Blah! Seriously, I'm reduced to a blabbering blithering moron when he asks questions. And I end up feeling horribly demoralised and my mind completely (and I mean, completely) blanks out. Anyways, off to lunch with WL. Later. (Monday, October 7, 2002) (05:33 p.m.) I wanted to update last night but I was too tired when I got home. Met the twins and Pram at Cafe Cartel for a farewell thing. The fact WJ's leaving hasn't sunk in yet, and that was why we were able to enjoy ourselves. To save money, we decided not to order a main course, and went straight for the dessert. q: Potato wedges, yum. Tiramisu, yum. 12 scoops of chocolate & vanilla ice cream with homemade cookies and sprinkles lavished all over, yum. Wanted some mudpie but it came with rum (but the twins have gone off alcohol since New Year's Eve, heh). And of course, being the cheapskates that we are, we took shameless advantage of the free crusty bread and ate more than a loaf's worth. It was good, especially when spread with butter and cheese/garlic! Heh. We also bumped into WJ's ex-rival and there was this mini drama right there in Serangoon Garden. I mean, she was sitting at the table beside us, giving us the evil eye. The four of us got so pissed that we got WJ to call her ex-boyfriend down and hahaha. Shan't say what happened, but suffice to say, she got what was coming to her. Though Alvin was acting as childishly as she was, she started the whole thing! I haven't yet realised how much I'm going to miss her. And if it's like this for me, I shudder to think of the pain WL's going through. But I suppose it's only a natural progression in life, we all have to grow up and leave behind the people we love dearly. I'm just rather sad that I won't be able to send her off because I have a Genomics lecture right smack in between! I would skip it without any qualms, if Dr Goh didn't insist that this lecture was absolutely unskippable. ): Anyways. I dreamt of him again. And I honestly don't know why I keep on dreaming of him (also did the night before last and the night before that as well!), when I thought that was in the past. I mean, I've already accepted the fact nothing will happen. And my Year 1 crush on Samuel sort of resurfaced (heh), though I have my reservations. But I've never dreamt of Sam before, ever. While he's been featured so prominently and frequently in my paradoxical sleep.... Why? And why are the dreams such gratifying ones that send me into delightful utopia? (Sunday, October 6, 2002) (11:19 a.m.) Doing some research for this lab report due tomorrow. Can't seem to find much relevant stuff because I don't understand what we did in the prac. I'm boring you all already! Anyways... Ho hum, pumpkin seeds are addictive. Especially when you disregard the fact they look and feel like hamster food. Heh. And I want more mango beancurd already! I'll update later. (: (Saturday, October 5, 2002) (10:29 p.m.) Oh, thank God the Genomics test was okay. Jack Yongyi etc were freaking me out in the morning cos they were frantically flipping through past year papers and doing the questions. Thank God it was mainly application based because I didn't memorise most of the notes! And phew, I'm so glad I could draw the restriction map too, because I couldn't in the tutorial. Haha, I was driving Jack mad during the Stats talk cos I kept on badgering him to tell me how the enzyme names fitted into the whole map. I mean, figuring out the cut sites and relative positions was pretty easy, and it didn't require much effort. But for some reason, I didn't know how or where to insert the names of the enzymes that cut at those places! And I was smacking my head and going "chey!" during the test, wondering why I found such a simple thing so hard to understand previously. I suppose I'm just strange this way, huh. Anyways. There's a burden weighing upon my heart, and this time, it's not my loved ones I'm worried about. I feel sorry for him, because it almost seems as though he hasn't got many friends. He could like and want things that way I suppose, but I believe that everyone needs someone. Even if it's not a significant someone, we all need human companionship. And I've had this feeling for quite a while now, but I don't know what to do because I can't exactly befriend him. I mean, it's a rule of thumb that teachers and students don't hang out. It's simply not done. Don't think I pity/ despise him, don't get the idea that I think he's a pathetic loser whom people don't like and willingly shun - it's not the truth. He is nice and witty, and is one of the most agreeable lecturers we have. I guess I just feel empathy and oh, I don't know how to describe it. I'd better stop trying to put my foot in my mouth, heh. But I honestly feel I ought to do something about it. It's been on my subconscience for a long, long time already! Grace also agrees, only we don't know what'll be deemed "appropriate" and all. I mean, he's rather shy and might think we're interested in him/ want him to increase our grades or whatever. *lol* Anyways. My blistered feet are aching and I need sleep. (: (Friday, October 4, 2002) (11:59 a.m.) I am going to scream with frustration. I don't understand what we're supposed to do for the Drug Discovery & Development practical! I can't figure out what Dr Koh means from his instructions... He said he wrote something about it in the discussion board and I searched for it upteen times, and unless I suddenly turned blind, it's not there. I feel like pulling out my hair. I've followed the instructions explicitly (well, as far as I can anyways, it's not easy considering how vague and cryptic some parts are), and I can't get my protein models to look like the ones in his notes. Gah. Ah, to heck with it. I have to fly! (Later) Had fun again, per usual. Didn't go for Bible Study because I have to study for the Genomics test tomorrow. I feel rather guilty, especially since I went out before this! But honestly, BS is kinda boring. Not the content, it's more of the interaction I guess... Most of the members don't speak out enough, and out of pity for the poor leader, I end up volunteering the answers many times. The questions aren't exactly very profound either, I think they just don't want? to voice their opinions. Blah, and I thought working adults would've been more pro-active and the kind to take the initiative! But then again, they prolly have too much speaking up to do during office hours, and want to let someone else do the yabbering for once. Heh. I digress. For the first time ever, my sister finally let me paint her toenails with this pretty shiny maroon polish that came in the portable Bodyshop makeup kit Lianne gave me. Yay, we now have identical colored nails! :D And they shimmer and sparkle every time I twitch them! Back to my notes. Sigh. (Thursday, October 3, 2002) (07:43 p.m.) Whee, I just came back from town. WJ and I had a fab time, as we always do. She's so incredibly attuned to my every mood, and she knows when I want to talk/ sit in companiable silence. Sidenote: I'll miss her! The day she's leaving is drawing nearer and nearer. Anyways, she got me a cute Topshop thong and some liptone as a very early birthday present. That makes it the 2nd advanced gift I've recieved already (2 long lost buddies got me a U2 skirt). Ahhh, the wonder of having friends who like you well enough to bother giving you something earlier if they can't meet you on the day itself. ;D Anyways. MPP (my project partner, as she'll remain mentioned here from now on, I don't want to use any names because I don't want to totally badmouth her) was freaking out on me today. She was stressing out about the fact we haven't yet ordered our consumables and stuff/ actually started on our project. Sigh. I wish she wouldn't panic so easily because it's making me panic, too. And when I start panicking, I can't focus and concentrate on the tasks at hand. Maybe working with her isn't such a good idea after all... She's indirectly hinted that she sort of regrets doing it with me too, now that she's all chummy with P. Ah it's too late for anything to change, we'll just have to live with each other. And produce a report so fabulous that everyone'll gape in awe. Haha. Anyways. I had a funny-weird-surreal-nice dream last night. The part I remember the best bore remarkable resemblance to the time I dreamt he brushed and carressed my hair... Only it was different. He draped his arm around my shoulders and we well, cuddled. It was so comforting and snuggly I awoke with a silly bemused grin on my face. It's nice waking up with a smile. But then again, in dreams like these, it's nicer not waking up at all. (Wednesday, October 2, 2002) (07:13 p.m.) Oh horrors, I spent the entire day in front of the computer reading HP fanfic again!! Only managed to figure out half of the protein simulation thingys we were supposed to do. I feel rather stressed, especially with super kiasu friends who've all but completed their workload. And they pretend to not have finished it, refusing to help others who can't manage on their own (read: me). Ah forget it. On to a more cheerful topic, I just developed an insane crush on Snape. Haha, seriously. This particular series has got me feeling sympathetic and sorry for him. I think it's really well written, and the storyline fits into the HP series written by J.K Rowling. And it gives explainations why he's so nasty and mean, it really shows and depicts what he's gone through. I even cried a few times while reading it! He's just so misunderstood and yuan1 wang4 by everyone. That's rather rich, coming from someone who loathed him throughout the authentic stories. But honestly, he is really *ahem* sexy. *lol* Oops, I just spilt some mango beancurd all over the keyboard. My mom will kill me. Wonder of wonders, I actually sound ditz-ishly happy today. It's Snape! q: (Wednesday, October 2, 2002) (10:45 a.m.) I'm back again. In full force, in all honesty. I've only let a few of you in on my new url, and almost none of you know me in real life. Which is how I like it, really. I'd appreciate it if you don't link me using my real name, inallhonesty will be fine. If you don't want to link me, that's fine too. (: Not all the links are up yet, and I won't bother doing up a pretty layout for this because I well, can't be bothered. And I don't have the time either. I really don't want my friends to know of this. Not because I'm going to bitch about them incessantly (heh), but because I would really prefer my secrets to remain unknown among those who are close enough to care and meddle in my private life. Oh they have good intentions, they always do. But enough is enough. I can't accept the idea of merging an online existence with an offline one. With the rare exception, you, the reader, are someone I have never seen; and never will see. Which is exactly the way I want it to be. I refrain from forming close relationships with people who read this because then, when I see them face-to-face, I would be made transparent. And vulnerable. I would never be made open for just anyone to tear in and devour my every secret, ripping open my hidden desires and inner fears. I trust you. (: |
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