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( Serenity ) |
Saturday, February 8, 2003 Went to Esprit after school and got myself a lovely black sweater and a belt! I neary got the sweater 2 days ago but hesitated because it was rather expensive. Thank God for the sale, and thank God I didn't get it then. I like their clothes and stuff and will be checking it out again! Anyways... I finished my half of the poster thingy in about 5 hours. Which is pretty good, considering how we were so lackadaisical about the whole thing. While most of our friends were busy panicking, we were like, whatever! Our project supervisor was really cool about it too, she said (in not so many words but the gist of it was there) we needn't bother with it, only Dr Koh would throttle her or something. *grin* Anyways we've just been really slack about it lah. And we're nearly done! Well, I'm just waiting for my partner to send her part over so I can get my dad to print it. Aye. I'm treacherously standing on the edge of a knife blade. Stuck in between two friends, my loyalty to both of them pulling me to the right and to the left. Damnit. I should have never showed her his message in the very first place. But I was speechless and didn't know how to respond. Besides, how was I to forsee his adverse reaction; how was I to know she'd be so pissed? Tried my best to placate both of them, and it's working, for now. I hope it lasts, but I fear it's the calm before the storm. Friday, February 7, 2003 Lecutres were an enormous bore, I swear they're getting from bad to worse! Kane and I wore pink tees today. Only mine was liliac-pink and his was plain pink, so everyone laughed at me and said I was colorblind again! It happened the other time, when I wore a navy blue tee and a grey-brown skirt; after agreeing to wear black and grey. Haha. Oh wells, it's such a pity we're only getting to know the other module people at such a late stage... But I suppose better late then never! He brought me to AMK (was thinking of making new specs), we went to walk around Heartland Mall after that. He's such a lovely lovely person, he really is the reason for the phrase 'nice guys finish last'. I mean, he's like, too wonderful and sweet and gentlemanly for his own good! Sigh... After K skipped Smallville to talk to me about the 'meantime girl' email I sent to everyone (he was feeling rather guilty about the role his previous meantime girls played in his life) and other misc stuff: I was this close to melting into a little helpless puddle but settled for (painfully) bashing my head on the computer table instead. I wish he wouldn't say things like these, they make me wish for things I know mightn't happen... If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed? Wednesday, February 5, 2003 HT prac was cancelled, so Lianne and I went to the net cafe to study for the test on Saturday. We had great company too; multiple hotdog buns drizzled with ketchup and mayo, chocolate milk tea (heck, it's the first time I actually bought one!), kitkats, bugles, chips etc etc. Bumped into so many people! It's quite weird cos we're normally cooped up in our little block, isolated far away from the rest of the NP campus. Met Daph at the bus stop, Nick (at long last, I got to see the person who captivated Lianne for the past few weeks *grin*), Mahathir, Jiaxin (spent over an hour talking to him, trying to convince him not to give up on God), Eric, Hazel & Kai (who were watching this silly movie after they finished at the lab), Cecilia, CK, Adrian (this very cute guy I met sometime last semester, he looks sweet and is sweet, but I can't quite communicate with him because he's too chinese)... Erm, I forgot who else also. Too many to count! He wasn't one of them; he didn't have school today.. I saw him ride past the bus stop yesterday though; I'm amazed I actually recognised him as he sped by! Must have been the colorful striped shirt he was wearing (I helped him pick it out). Messaged him but he didn't reply. It's not the first time, I don't get quite alot of his smses and vice versa, and from many other people as well. Argh. I wish Singtel weren't so screwed! I mean, if the service provider is working fine and I don't get any replies, at least I know it's his fault and that he simply can't be bothered to reply. While now... I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore. Tuesday, February 4, 2003 Got this off an email. The meantine girl --{ She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One." You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime. She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool... Why can't all women be like that?! But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux. She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry too. A lot. And someday we won't be around.}-- I can almost forsee myself as being his meantime girl, and I don't want it to happen. But I'm ashamed to admit I almost cried while reading that email. It somehow seems like a premonition of sorts... Tuesday, February 4, 2003 I'm not someone who indulges in silly petty games. What you see is (more or less) what you get. I don't want to play hard to get; I don't think I'd know how to. Besides, I don't even know if he'd notice I'm playing hard to get. Argh. This is rapidly morphing into a major problem. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't study. I can't even think straight. I've narrowed it down to two possibilities. He Well, doh. Though I suppose I ought to be more specific. Like, He Shite. Did I say I couldn't think? Well, I can, albiet not very logically. And obviously, only of him! And he refuses to get out of my head. DAMNIT! Know what else? I have a feeling it's c) d). Or f). Sunday, February 2, 2003 After church (when this friend of his plonked herself down and attended the service with us), K and I checked out the art and history museums cos entry was free. q: Anyways, we met Xiulan for lunch after that. It was so weird... It used to be that she was the 'middleman' between the both of us; that he was close to her and she was close to me. But it's so different now; it seems as though I'm the one in-between the both of them. Anyways, she left after a short while so we went down to Borders to browse. The whole of Orchard resembled a ghost town, nearly all the shops were closed! That was so surreal, we felt as though we were in another dimension. Or a time warp. Heh. He challenged me to a silly thumb game on the bus. And there was chemistry... (I felt it deep within the pit of my stomach, I don't know about him but I have an inkling he did, too). There are times it seems to me |
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There are times it seems to me
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