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Tuesday, December 10, 2002 Partner finally came back from Australia after being m.i.a for three weeks. Wasn't totally thrilled cos I've managed to do fine alone... But at least we didn't argue or anything like that. I mean, we appear to get along fine, I suppose we do get along alright. It's just when she insists on having her way (some times), when my supervisor directs 99% of her attention to her instead of dividing it equally and thinks she's the sole brain behind the whole project (which is so not true); all these add up to thoroughly piss me off. Anyways. I can't exactly flare up and be headstrong about it either, she's more stubborn than I am. And I don't want to start any major arguement, the both of us engaged in a full-blown yelling match is NOT a pretty sight, even in my imagination. Gosh I didn't intend to write so much about it. I suppose we'll take things as they come. Anyways. Christmas is drawing near, I can't believe I forgot about writing cards and buying gifts till I saw what she wrote. And I wonder who to send cards/letters to, too. They seem to share an inverse correlation relationship; the number of people decrease as the years go by. Quite sad, innit? Monday, December 9, 2002 (: I'm pretty happy now. Finally showed my proj supervisor the stuff I've been working on since last week and she said she was rather impressed. Hee. I feel avenged (for the want of a better word) and charged up to impress her even more! And I got nice bright bands today, too! But seriously, thank God the initial part is over, everything ought to be smooth-flowing from now on. Alrighty, back to PCR conditions. (Bleh). Sunday, December 8, 2002 Gah. Bah. Pah. My parents refuse to let me sleepover at Linette's in KL! I can't believe it! Mom says she's worried about me coming back to Singapore on my own (since Linette will be staying on), she's concerned about the erm, customs at JB. Thinks they might try something funny since it's a girl travelling on her own. Hello, paranoia?! I mean, if they don't even let me go to KL for the weekend, you think they'll send me overseas to study? Though they insist it's just because it's rather unsafe; mom belligerently said she'd gladly send me to New Zealand to visit my uncle/ aunt if the notion struck me. When she knows I can't travel far this time because of my final year project. My foot la, talking about unsafe, everybloodywhere -including Singapore- is unsafe now. And besides, when it's time to go, it's time to go! People get run over and they die. Heads get squished when potted plants from high-rise flats fall over. Heck, people choke to death on fish bones! Perhaps it's the arrogance of youth speaking, but I really feel grossly outraged. And I so wanted to visit Gap too, Singapore doesn't even have a Gap store! *mutters wrathfully* Saturday, December 7, 2002 Exercises initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. Either holds, or wishes to achieve, a position of authority in which control can be exerted over events. Non-realization of hopes and the inability to decide on necessary remedial action has resulted in considerable stress. Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied her. (*Stunned silence*. How on earth did they know that?) Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition. Works to strengthen her position and bolster her self-esteem by examining her own accomplishments (and those of others) with critical appraisal and scientific discrimination. Insists on having things clear-cut and unequivocal. Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. (I sorta object to the way they imply I'm in need of constant ego-stroking, pffft.) Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards. Oh. My. Goodness. It's too accurate. It's uncanny! Delights in the tasteful, the gracious, and the sensitive, but maintains her attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off her feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. (I wholly agree with this. And it's also why I don't let myself fall for guys who charm the socks off. Not until they prove themselves true q:) Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on her emotional relationships as she must know exactly where she stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against her own tendency to be too trusting. (Used to hold true until I realised people aren't all that bothered about you anyways; they're a whole lot more concerned with how their life works out. Sad but true). Always has mental reservations and tends to remain emotionally isolated and unattached. (Ahhh, a very useful trick I picked up some time this year. Prevents much mental trauma and heartache, *wink*). Tries to escape from her problems, difficulties, and tensions by abrupt, headstrong, and ill-considered decisions or changes of direction. (Eh I don't do too well under stress. q: That's gotta be an understatement). Intensely critical of the existing conditions which she feels are disorganized or insufficiently clear-cut. (Never truly appreciated the beauty of systematic arrangements and prior planning till recent years. I'm a reformed procrastinator, heh). Is therefore seeking some solution which will clarify the situation and introduce a more acceptable degree of order and method. Or so says Colorquiz. Friday, December 6, 2002 Went to the beach again for some R&R and got a nice tan. Though to be honest, I'm much redder than I'm brown. Pffft. Anyways. I'm just glad for the chance to unwind, this week has been absolute . Don't recall being so stressed before. I mean, I can't even sleep properly. My mind works frantically and I worry about the morrow's experiment constantly as I lie in bed, falling into an exhausted sleep without realising it. I think it's because I feel this burning need to prove myself to my supervisor. I feel I have to make her realise I'm as skillful and capable as my partner, not worse. Supervisor's been gone all week and was supposed to be back on Thurs but we didn't see her around. I was so relieved because the results of the experiment I did on Wed was really disappointing. I felt so demoralised and wanted to sprawl on the benchtop and cry after realising the gel wasn't properly run. I mean, to fail because of a technical error after such a hard day's work... It was utterly depressing. I know I ought to get used to this, after all, this is my first week of doing everything on my own; I shouldn't expect flawless photos and results all at once... But I tried so hard! And really had to drag myself to band practice after that. Anyways, I re-ran the gel on Thurs and redid the whole experiment again. Got some results, but it wasn't perfect. *heaves a big sigh* I really should get used to the fact that theoretical certainties don't necessarily hold true in practice. But well, I have a feeling it's supposed to in this case. Know something? Going into the darkroom to view the gel after it's run is the scariest part of all. For then and only then, the result of the experiment is revealed. You'd be astonished at the effect that simple act can have on your mood, your self-satisfaction, and your mind. Thursday, December 5, 2002 Every time I sit at my computer screen, it stares blankly at me. And I lose my train of thought. I forget what I want(ed) to say, it's getting rather irritating. I promise I'll start writing more legibly when I'm not so bogged down with my project work. When I'm not so tired and energy-less. When I get back into the swing of things again! Tuesday, December 3, 2002 Just came back from dinner with Kevin. He gave me a ride on his bike, and oh, now I see why people love their bikes so much. It was such an astonishing experience, I felt so liberated and free, so light and unconfined by everything. To think I was so scared prior that, heh. When Jean gave me a lift a while ago (from one school block to another), I made everyone laugh by yelping and holding her shoulders in a death grip. q: But seriously, this was a different thing altogether. I'm looking forward to the next ride already! (; Anyways. Tired, tired. I can't wait till my proj partner gets back. But then again, seeing my supervisor and partner chum it up (they're pretty close) gets rather on my nerves too. Ahhh. Why on earth did I agree to do with her? At times like these, I almost wish I did it solo. Monday, December 2, 2002 I am horribly drained. Spent the entire day running about from lab to lab, preparing and getting stuff, asking random people for help etc. Ah, I'm just relieved everything worked out like it was supposed to. If only the bands for the first set of primers were brighter and the primer-dimers were missing in the control, everything would have been perfect. lol. But I guess it's not too bad for a first attempt yea. And methinks I shouldn't have put up my results because I have a feeling the wrong person might have read them, but it's too late to change anything now. Haven't been sleeping well for the past week or so. My rest isn't peaceful anymore, I am haunted by nightmares instead. Unsettling recollections of events that passed or premonitions of that that is to come befogs my mind. It's getting confusing and surreal. I'm so, so tired. Sunday, December 1, 2002 A quick? note on my results: There's no other way to say it, but I did very well. I'm not saying it to brag (HONEST) because there's nothing to brag about. I didn't even dare to dream of getting straight A's this semester, and I'm basically a die-hard optimist. I knew the practical exam was a definite fail. They must have moderated like crazy or reduced the practical exam weightage... Because I got a distinction for that. And one for Drug Discovery and Genomics, too. And two As. You can imagine my shock and disbelief, lol. Mom, sis and I (Daddy was sweet, he believed me!) were convinced they made a mistake and sent the results to the wrong person. Only extremely close scrutiny of the result slip (scanned the IC/ student number and full name to be doubly sure!) persuaded her otherwise. I would be insulted but I couldn't believe it myself! Talk about a major miracle! The only distinction I've ever gotten in all 2 years was for Executive & Development Skills. Which, in my opinion, was only because the teacher liked my outspoken attitude (other girls were prone to whispering amongst themselves). Haven't told anyone outside school apart from Grace and Xiulan. Peiyi told me Lianne's (who got exactly the same as me) and I was hard-pressed to tell her how I fared in return. Don't particularly want others to know la, it's not very nice to well, boast. And well, I don't feel I've worked that much this semester either. I only know I spent quite a lot of time reading reference books. Especially at the start of the semester, because I completely lost touch with everything to do with Genetics and the like (cos of the 4 month attachment). And that was enjoyable, because it only involved reading. And (there's no other way to put it) understanding of the concepts. And if Dr Koh begs to differ I'll stuff his Hobbit in his mouth *lol* But seriously. The actual amount of work per se wasn't that much. Only started memorising a few days before each paper. I should have studied this way (for all subjects) a long time ago. But ah wells, there's still one more semester left. And I still can't get over how blessed I am. (: Anyways, my wits are sleepy from swimming. (Though that connection doesn't quite make sense). Think I'll go to bed after planning tomorrow's experiment. Going to start on the lab work -at last- after preparing everything on Thurs and Fri. I am absolutely bent on showing my proj supervisor I'm not as helpless and dull-witted as she thinks! Sunday, December 1, 2002
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