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(Monday, November 11, 2002) (06:48 p.m.) I'm not looking for someone to talk to, Reading "Round Midnight" isn't helping matters. I feel so wistful... A vague twinge of sadness, somehow. As though I'm searching for something I'll never wholly be able to find. It's already successfully evaded my grasp for the past few years; and while I know I'm not yet at a stage when I should start worrying, it's elusiveness mercilessly haunts me. I feel... Barren. (Saturday, November 9, 2002) (07:30 p.m.) I'm very worried. I don't know what to major in, I don't know what I'm interested in studying. I don't know if going overseas will be a better choice. I don't know if I want to teach for the next 30 odd years. (I do know I do NOT want to be cooped up in a lab for that period of time!) Since I'll be going straight into my 3rd year (assuming I decide to go to UNSW), I don't know if I should major in Biochem/ Molecular Biology (most people tell me to take that cos it's the 'safest'), Biotech (though I think that's a no-no cos I don't really want to learn about the industry, more cGMP and stuff along those lines!), Genetics (heard it's really tough and well, dry. But it sorta looks challenging imo; though I may change my mind if I take it cos I don't really like stuff that's too techinical and detailed). I really would like Immunology but everyone's told me I'll have to be able to handle animal experimenting. And I don't think I can do that. Damn! Microbiology sounds pretty okay, but. Well, but. You know what I mean. Physiology & Pharmacology sounds really really good. But I doubt I can go straight into 3rd year cos we didn't learn that much about the human body in NP. And it'd be expensive to stay in Australia for so many years. I don't want to tax my parents more than I can help it, because they have my sister to provide for as well. ARGH. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I feel like the whole world has been placed at my feet, and I have to take my pick now. I just want to be happy. (Saturday, November 9, 2002) (2:42 p.m.) We went to send my mom and sis off to Frankfurt this morning. I was so jealous I wasn't the one checking in... Sigh. I know I'll have other opportunities, I know I'm still young and there will be chances for me to visit Switzerland. But I feel so sad that I can't go there now. And cheated! Damn the stupid Bioinfomatics course! I better get an A, especially since I'm giving up a Paris trip to attend it! Anyways. In the flurry of last-minute packing, dad and I forgot to ask my mother how to operate the washing machine. Oops. It's a new machine that sings when you key in your preferences, and I don't have a clue how it functions. Tried programming it to wash my camp stuff (didn't want to wait for mom to get home cos I thought my sopping clothes would grow mould or something). Though I added twice the amount of detergent by mistake *lol*, everything else went fine. Till the machine started bleeping funnily and refused to spin-dry the stuff. Geez. I just finished vacuuming the house (except the kitchen & balcony) and I'm supposed to mop it. Thing is, I don't know what concentration of soap to use. Eurgh! I'll make a terrible terrible wife next time! (Friday, November 8, 2002) (11:53 p.m.) I had a bad headache throughout most of the day. Looks like 14 hours of sleep isn't enough to compensate, huh? Spent quite a few hours reading "Fire & the Rose", it's a brillant Snape/Hermione fic. Man, I really don't know how I'll be able to read the 5th Harry Potter book when it comes out. There'll be too many conflicting stories washing over each other! And I don't know how I'll watch Chamber of Secrets either. It'd be hard seeing Snape portrayed in such a unflattering guise. Heh. Especially when he's depicted so very sexily in his sullen misunderstood way, complete with sculptered cheekbones and intense brooding eyes. Whoa, I think the mental stimulation does it for me. *lol* Anyways. You certainly didn't need to know that, did you? ;D Went to Queensway after that to get shorts but they weren't quite what we wanted. There was a pretty denim skirt though, heh. And I wanted to get the cheap Esprit shoes so I could keep them in the locker and I needn't wear covered shoes when working in the labs. But they were all sold out everywhere! The only 2 black pairs left in Raffles City were gone in the 1 hour I took to get there. Gah! The other available size was white. And as desperately as I want them, I do NOT want to look like an overgrown secondary school kid in the standardized-going-to-school-shoes. Heh. It's been a long day. I want someone to make me a warm milky cup of tea and give me a nice big hug... Well, not just anyone. But at times like these, I think I'd rather have the wrong one than no one. Well, almost. (Thursday, November 7, 2002) (06:25 p.m.) I've been at St John's Island for the past three days and couldn't update. Anyways. I really don't know what possessed me to sign up for the LSCT camp, I must have been temporarily mad. Blame it on the fact we haven't had any proper holiday since a year ago, blame it on our impending exams, whatever. I honestly don't know why I agreed to go. Nay, my friends insist I was the one who persudaded them to sign up. What can I say? I must have been out of my mind from the insane (no pun intended) level of stress that was steadily accumulating. I suppose I did have fun, to a certain extent. It was the usual typical camp, with dirty games (think flour mud water detergent grit), night games, treasure hunt, etc. To tell you the truth, I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I were younger. *lol* I mean, seriously. If this were a Secondary school camp, I would have loved getting dirty and muddy, I would have been enthusiastic about water bombs and what not. And I would be genuinely enthusiastic, not one of those poseurs who fake zeal and wind up looking (and acting) like fools. But it was different this time. I felt so apathetic and well, indifferent throughout most of the camp. We were making snarky comments at the lamea*s cheers, wrinkling up our noses at the things they made us do. It's not the organisers fault, they did do a pretty good job of organising the activities. I suppose it was just us; we were too old to properly enjoy ourselves. Some of my friends got so pissed offed at the childish games, they played sick (no pun intended either, heh) and hopped on the morning ferry back to Singapore. Sigh. I really wanted to leave too, especially since the flying cockroaches terrorized me to no end. I've never even seen a flying cockroach prior to this camp. And there were SO many of them, they were so huge! And they flew! Ewww. But I figured that since I didn't have a valid reason, I should stay and see the whole camp through. There were a few good things about it though. I got to interact with some of the juniors, I've never seen any of them before. Haha. And I met Charlene after losing contact for nearly 3 years! Realised Yvonne and I worked together at a Microsoft retail outlet back when I was in Year1. Geez, it's quite sad innit? We're in the same course, and I've never noticed them around school before. And why does Singapore have to be so small? In a more self-absorbed manner, why does my world have to be so small? Anyways. The part I liked the most was when my camp group decided not to bother with the clues for the treasure hunt, we went to the lagoon instead. Cooked our lunch in mess tins, it was fun! q: The sun was hot, the sea looked so inviting, so I went for a swim. A couple of friends joined me and we had such a lovely time in the water. Though we almost got into trouble for it (we weren't supposed to swim cos the camp com said there were stone fish around). I think they didn't yell at us because we were Year 3's and they wanted to give us some mian4 zi3. Ah. We're old enough to choose for ourselves lor, if something untoward happens and they are held responsible, it'll also be obvious that we were at fault. Forget it, I'm too tired to ruminate. My head feels as though several blacksmiths are hammering and pounding away. I've got a dull ache in my bloated lower abdomen (cramps). I can't think straight because I'm absolutely exhausted. Later. (Sunday, November 3, 2002) (01:26 p.m.) I really ought to stop dreaming. I'm merely another one of his responsibilities, and frankly, I very much doubt he cares for my welfare. I'm being my usual self by hyping everything up, reading more into every simple gesture and spoken word, believing that he just -might- feel something. I should wake up and smell the coffee, live in the real world huh? I don't mean anything to him. And I never will. (Saturday, November 2, 2002) (10:47 p.m.) I just got back from meeting WL and Pram. Accompanied mommy to collect her credit card this morning, she got me 2 Pierre Cardin bras, a top, and a skirt (though I realised I don't quite like it that much after all, heh). And I'm rather happy because I got other spanking new stuff! :D A great Esprit skirt, Loreal press powder, green eyeshadow and 3 Miss Selfridge thongs. *lol* Lianne and Jieru got me those wonderful Indian pants too (the ones I was raving over the day my parents found out about my PDA), yay! I'm so happy cos I really liked them! I realised that no one -and I mean noone- knows what to get me this year. They all came up and asked me what I wanted... The only reason I got those pants was because Lianne & Jieru were with me and they knew how much I adored them, heh. My other class friends wanted to get me a skirt or something along those lines, but they didn't know my size/ what I'd like. They almost made me try on a swimsuit too, haha. I guess they were sincere in wanting to get me something, but I felt so paiseh pointing out stuff that I wanted la. It'll be so thick-skinned! Though I don't feel bad telling WL and Pram because we're old old friends, lol. But... Actually, I saw these wonderful sandals at M)phosis today. Dark brown leather, they were so comfy and pretty. I really liked them. I almost smsed Xiulan and told her that I know what they can get me already, hee. But WL and Pram said it'd be too bhb and well, I know it's the truth. But I want them SO badly! And when it's shared among a few people, it'll be so cheap! Argh, I hope my friends will ask whether I want anything again, heh. Cos there's no other way to bring up that topic without sounding like a cheap miser la. We'll be going to Somi's house to celebrate Deepavali, and I honestly hope someone'll ask me if I saw anything I fancied. *keeps fingers tightly crossed* Heh. Am I being too manipulative? But I realllllly want them. q: And I know I sound horribly materialistic and greedy, I promise I'm not usually like this. *lol* Indulge me and my earthly wanton desires willya? I only get to act like a frivolous girl once a year! (Friday, November 1, 2002) (10:59 p.m.) I thought that I had a lot to write and share once my exams ended. Instead, random thoughts persistently zoom around in my head, refusing to stay still. And I'm still hopelessly confused. I've learnt a lot this year and grown up too quickly. People who haven't seen me in a few years say I've changed so much. Even my classmates say I'm incredibly different. The thing that bothers me the most (at this moment) is how I've lost friends who were very close to me. First off was L. Something happened many months ago, and well, we don't even talk to each other unless the need arises. I have to admit it's mainly my fault that there's total alienation now. I couldn't take her consistent whining and moaning about how tough she had it (though it was true, still?!), how hard she found it to trust people etc. I mean, even if you feel inferior and vulnerable, you ought to try and not make yourself out to be some loser! It's normal for everyone to doubt themselves once in a while, we're only humans with frail self-esteems that need bolstering. But you can't have hang ups about yourself very frequently because damn, people will get irritated at your martyrish and self-sacrificing attitude! I mean, fishing for sympathy/ compliments really is rather pathetic. And I suppose I should have said something earlier, way before I couldn't stand it anymore. Although I did try hinting and telling her how I felt, she didn't quite listen or take my words into account; saying she was disappointed because she "expected me, of all people", to understand what she was going through. Well, screw it! I guess I should have been more harsh and direct then, maybe that would have made her see the light, where sympathy couldn't shake her out of her self-pitying rut. But it's too late now. Her constant depression made me bitter and resentful... I should have let her know how it affected and weighed me down. I mean, I was already going through a tough time, she wasn't helping matters. And I could not tolerate how negatively she looked at things that happened, seeing black even when there was nothing suspiscious clouding the white. Things are so strained between us now, I don't even feel comfortable making small talk. I often catch her looking at me half-wistfully; I know she feels wronged and misunderstood. But frankly, she pushed me too far. I was a little scared of my violent rejection of her and our friendship. I never knew how cold and hard I could become when I got too frustrated. We were really good friends then. I know it sounds really vindictive, petty, childish, whatever. But I honestly can't even bear the sight of her. |
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