Tuesday, January 7, 2003
09:10 p.m.

Don’t wanna love you if you don’t love me,
Don’t wanna need you when you don't need me too.

Though the temptation to fall for him is there. Oh, it most certainly is. He's got the potential alright.

Monday, January 6, 2003
08:47 p.m.

We didn't manage to change classes after all. Found out they shifted us out because the cross module students couldn't fit into any other timetable save that of my old class. And that Dr Teo was the one who suggested moving us out because, according to her (and in her own words), we are bright students who easily adapt to change. Whatever, whatever. Compliments don't stop me from being irritated!

I do have friends in the new class, Faizal Anuar etc are there and he said he'd make sure I settle in alright. Sweet of him (: There is also this bunch of girls who look like carbon copies of one another, they all dress the same, have the same brown streaked rebonded hair. Etc etc. I can't really differentiate one from the other but I guess it's time to learn! I don't mind making new friends and mingling. It's just that... I'll miss seeing my good friends on a daily basis. I'll miss Jack and his teasing, I'll miss trading insults as we banter back and forth (entertaining the entire class), sounding like "an old married couple", as Michelle would say. I'll miss Xiulan, Yongyi, Limin, oh everyone! All the inside jokes, the way I know how each of them thinks and vice versa. *whine*

I don't want my friendship with them to end up in the same state ours did when Yongyi was transferred out in Year 2. I don't want them to forget me. It's mean and well, just a little spiteful/ childish too, but I hope things are boring without me around. q:

Sunday, January 5, 2003
08:50 p.m.

Oh no. School reopens tomorrow and I feel very apprenhsive. First day jitters, but it's not my first day! Well, technically speaking anyways. I really don't want to miss out on the last few months I have with my classmates. I already know we won't remain in close contact after leaving, I doubt most of us will even keep in touch save the occassional sms and icq chat; which is why I want to savour the remaining time left. I'll be talking to Dr Koh about it tomorrow. I really pray AND hope he'll find it (somewhere) within his heart to understand. Besides, the timetable for my old class suits our labwork a lot better too. *crosses fingers till they turn white*

Anyways. I don't quite agree when people say they have no way of controlling their feelings, when they insist they can't stop themselves from falling for someone etc. Coming from a person who used to be intensely emotional and thrived on living a roller-coaster (love)life, it's quite a change. It's always mind over matter, mind over heart. Really.

Saturday, January 4, 2003
11:18 p.m.

Argh. I think I got transferred out of my class! Along with my project partner Grace Yufen! Don't know who else got taken out (don't think anyone else is), everything's really confusing now. I'm rather irritated. First off, we didn't even know we changed classes until Grace noticed that the 02 timetable pinned outside the staff room was different from the one posted online. And after asking the lecturers, she realised she wasn't in our old class anymore. Sheesh. So much for efficency huh? And besides, it's only a few months more till we graduate, it's right smack in between our third year. And we're changing classes! Everything's already familar, I don't want to switch. Especially since we only have a little while more before we all never see each other again. And I don't particularly want to be alone with my partner more than I already have to. Especially since Grace and Yufen will be in NCC working on their project most of their free time. I don't really have close friends in the new one now, so chances are we'll have to stick together. Bleh.

This positively sucks!

Thursday, January 2, 2003
10:18 p.m.

*Shriek* I just embarrassed myself in front of well, a lot of people! Haha. This Channel News Asia spokesperson approached Michelle and I as we came back to NP. When we saw her (and the camerman) walking toward us, we tried to get out of the way but she insisted on having our opinion. She wanted to know what we thought about MOE not going ahead with plans for the 4th university. Duh in the first place, I wasn't even particularly happy about the new university 'specially catered' for polytechnic grads. I mean, seriously. How condescending can you get? Creating a university just for us; it's as if you think we can't get into NUS/ SIM/ NTU/ SMU on our own and we need outside help. And more likely than not, employers will 'belittle' people who graduate from that 4th uni cos they'll automatically assume they couldn't make it into the more established universities! Doh.

And I wrongly used the word "demoralising" instead of "degratory", stumbled all over my sentences (tripped over my tongue, I ought to quit going on like a motormouth) and generally came across as a stuttering moron. I don't do too well under stress, remember? Plus, my hair was an absolute mess cos I clipped it up when we were at the gym (and couldn't let it down after that cos it curled up at the edges). Yikes, I really hope no one I know saw that/ recognised me! Didn't even know they aired it until my dad gave a yell from the bedroom. I mean, when I say I want to be famous, I didn't mean infamous. *lol*

Thursday, January 2, 2003
08:03 p.m.

Resolutions? I wouldn't normally resolve to do anything because, despite my best intentions, I usually only adhere to them for the first half of the year (if I'm determined enough). I fufilled last year's pretty well until towards the end, more's the pity. But this time... I want to be less inhibited around guys, because I normally hold them at a distance and don't exhibit more of myself (with the occassional exception) unless we get the change to know one another. Like Lianne says, I'm not loud (anymore) like her. I mean, I'm free and open around girls; and I want to be like that for both sexes. I also ought to try and be less critical cos I've started seeing people's actions through judgemental eyes. I've become a whole lot more cynical and less compassionate. I want the hard layer that's surrounded my soul to dissolve, I want my heart to feel again. I want God to be my best friend like He was. I want to count my blessings like I used to count every small mercy - unconsiously.

Wow. So much for not really wanting to have resolutions, huh?

Wednesday, January 1, 2003
11:52 a.m.

The same day last year I was looking back on 2001. Reflections. How apt. And now that 2002's come and gone, another round of introspective musing is due again.

(I would put up more links but I realised cyanflame.net is gone and I don't have a copy of them online.) 2002's been good. Granted, more unhappy things happened, but through it all, I suppose I'm grateful that there were the occassional bright sparkly spots that brightened the black gloom. I've been pretty much an ingrate, especially through the later part of the year when I had the-world-owes-me-a-living sort of attitude (dunno how I got it, unless it's catching and Lianne/ Peiyi passed it on). But after listening to the glorious strains of "Give thanks" last night, I realised that God did still care; and that it was only when I chose to ignore his mercies, that I began to be petulant and greedy.

And 2002's been bad. I think "Dear Lie" by TLC pretty much sums up quite a lot of it. I've learned your art, won't let you unnerve me, won't let you control me. The truth will only free me, and your lies won't hurt no, no more... That was with respects to my dad. I've experienced that while it's still possible to love him, forgiveness isn't genuine and complete because of lingering resentment. And sad to say, I still don't wholly trust him. A little part of me still feels bitter, quite a lot of me still wouldn't be very disappointed if we were to find out about his lies again. Respect for him I think I still have, but I only revere him because it's my duty to; not because I want to.

And I've gone through countless other disappointments, quite a few of them regarding this person whom I (foolishly) set my heart upon having. And realised/ learnt to be less proactive in matters of the unseen. I learnt to accept a firm, staunch NO as an answer from God, to stomach the fact we weren't meant to be, not at this point of time anyways. I guess it was mainly the false hopes and expectations I put myself through that made it truly horrible. Two good things did come of it though. I have more of an idea of the type of man I want in the future, and I'm gradually changing into the type of woman I think he'd want. Really in a way, I have him to thank for this metamorphosis. I doubt I'd have the 'inspiration' and 'motivation' to undergo such a drastic superficial, emotional and mental transaction. (Trust me on that, I have the photos to prove it.)

I also lost two of the best friendships I've ever had. And basically come to realise that well, things really do change, people outgrow one another. I've become more self-reliant, a whole lot more dependant on myself to see me through whatever ups and downs life decides to hurl in my direction. And in this particular friendship, dignity, and a whole lot of memories in a dust-covered box, are all I've got left. I suppose it's sad, I know it's sad, I know I was hurt in a way I've never been before. It was completely devastating to watch my closest friendships disintegrate. But ah wells, shit happens. We survive. We have to survive.

To recapitulate, I think that's what I learnt. To survive. On my own, if need be.