[[ feelin': amused ]]

amused by tt person who used vulgar in my gbk. ha. sho stoopid lorhs. like she noes how to use i dunno like tt.

newae. hias. can somebody tell me wat i did wrong? asking neone who is reading tis. is caring fer somebody wrong? is wanting to get closer to someone wrong? is loving someone wrong? arh. siaos. really lorhs. it's she herself closing herself up in her own world. not giving me a chance to explain myself.

shit lorhs. it's all bullshit lorhs. the way she acts when im ard. hello. im a human being n i have feelings one lorhs. im hurt. im really hurt lorhs. n she still tinks im in the wrong. yarhs. she still tinks im bullshitting. she must be tinking tt ive been bullshitting since the very beginning. yarhs rite. if ive been bullshitting rite. i wun even haf shed a single drop of tear fer her lorhs. i wun even care abt her nemore lorhs.

if she's ever reading tis. then i wanna tell her. im really trying my best to patch up but the kind of attitude she's showing me is pushing me away. n she still haf to tell her fren to cum n scold me. to threaten me?

ha. like who's the one bullshitting now?

[[ feelin': hurt ]]

im not promoted tis time round again. it's sho stoopid lorhs. everytime my sec 3s nv get promoted then i'll an1 wei4 them not to be sad. not to be depressed. must work harder. now i must an wei myself. hias.

no use mans. no use an wei-ing myself. i can only tell myself to work harder now & wish to get promoted nex time round. mans. i guess i noe wat's wrong wif me. it's jus whether i wanna work fer it or not. any s/ms reading tis can dun bother to cum & tok to me abt it. pls. cos i'll get even more hurt. then if i break down crying in front of u dun blame me.

cos tt's exactly the first thing i did when i reached home. locked myself in my room. n break down crying.

jus leave me alone i'll get thru it. im sure of tt. i will get promoted the nex time round. not bcos it's the last muster parade tt's y im gonna get promoted. it's gonna be bcos of myself. gonna go all out now.

not as if ive not been doing sho. i dunno. but i definitely noe my temper has to go. i carn understand how someone is suppose to change her temper within such a short time. & can i ask everybody something.

nah. 4get it. it's a stoopid qn. later i get 'book' for it then die.

i dunno wat i shld say abt my frenship wif her. cos it's jus breaking my heart. tis is the ka-zillion time my fragile heart is breaking. n i noe she dun hav to deny. cos i can see frm her every expression tt she fucking dun give a damn abt anything anymore.

if im wrong u can cum n tell me. str8 in the face. but do u even bother to? i do sho wanna tok to u. but everything u do is pushing me away. & there's no way. i carn tink of anyway to communicate wif u.

cos ive a feeling u wun accept a single thing. cos ive a feeling things will turn out to be the same in the end. cos ive a feeling our frenship already means negative in ur heart.

is there anyone i can clarify with on whether wat im feeling is correct or not?! im sho sick and damn tired of guessing how u feel. how u tink. urgh!

[[ feelin': fine ]]

took the care bear test. waiting fer result to cum out hehs. meanwhile. hmm. i noe i shldn't be online 2day. coz tml got big fat hist test. but nvm. cos eve told me tt weiling frm 4l linked me. then i went to check. [yarhs. like eve i oso go here go there. went a dozen other pple's page then finally got to her pg.] hmm. really got leh. even pris oso got link me. tink hor. they mistook me fer someone else. yarhs. must be. hehs. tink it's qt farnie. there's act qt a no of shiyuns in skool rite. @ least a few larhs. hehs. dunno larhs. reAlly crapping here. crap.

arH. sHi jiE mO rI on Radio now. yarhs. im still crazy abt tt song. crazy abt all jay chou song. yea. he rocks. lee hom rocks too. been trying to find his cd. i mean borrow frm someone larhs. anyone who noes who haf his cd must tell me/maybe even help me borrow his cd! hehs. cher u r rite. ziran really haf. but then. hias. all in china. woo. lucky me.

sth's wrong wif the carebear result. carn get the result. add in some other time. gotta go off now. hmm. go n haf my afternoon nap. :) then later then studee larhs. heck. heck. heck.

[[ feelin': real hot -stoopid weather- ]]

hehs. hope everyone will go n take the test oso. then tell me ur result k. paste in my gbk. :)

another's day passed. nth much happened. fell asleep in class again today. tink sth's wrong wif leong leong. hehs. how can she say "of cos im rite rite? if im not rite how can i be her tcha" when she din tell us the instructions clearly in the first place? think she's just trying to find a way to xia4 tai2. hehs. but i still do tink she's qt cute sometimes.

math lesson was farnie oso. hehs. miss quek is sho cute. mrs koh oso. i hate a maths tho'. i hate hate hate it. argh! vector's sho difficult. n tml got integration test. hafen touch yet. i noe i shldn't be here typing away but nvm larhs. promise i'll study later.

seriously crapping. b4 i go. a quote tt's super nice:

"I hold it true,what'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
-Alfred Lord Tennyson

[[ feelin': dunno. tired i guess ]]

today is swimming carnival. hees. did nth. was just standing ard doing my duty. then during my rest time. i was just mingling[check spelling] inside red house. it was during the novelty[check spelling again] race. blue house kept winning. then i was cheering there lorhs. in the red house contigent. hees. qt bad sia. like i care mans.

sad day today. dun haf to say y. later if she cums n read. if she wld ever cum again. she might get angry again. hias. hias. hias. if it's true tt every sigh brings the death of an angel. then. hias. im sorry. every tot abt leaving sn. leaving our frenship in such a state. it's just like tearing my heart out [it's beating] n throwing it down a cliff [it's beating] u noe when it's travelling down the cliff there will be no feeling it's just a feeling of sinking down n down into nothingness n when it tot tt nth is gonna happen to it [it's beating] when it tot tt there will nv be a end to the fall [it's beating] when it tot it has finally forgotten the pain [it's beating] thud! with a impact its fall ends [n it beat fer once laz time b4 resting 4ever]

can u imagine the tremendous pain when it. my poor heart. experience thud!. hias. 4get it larhs. maybe u got lost in my words. cos i noe i carn express my views well. i hate english. my english sux. hias. n cher. u can 4get me being in the media side wif u. tho' i may like to be sho:(. maybe i can go chinese section. but then. i dun exactly like chinese a lot either. maybe i shld just go bio-tech. @ least i dun really like haf to converse wif those fucking bacteria microorganism thingys or watever shit. just experiment on them for the good of mankind [yarh rite. how abt for my own living. i believe tt's wat all scientists tink newae. maybe except for those real famous one whom everyone respect sho.] watever. i dun care abt tt now. cos my mind's again in a blank. like it alwiz is nowadays. n then i'll return to my Misery book [n get more influenced by tt fucking word] wif jay chou 1st album on repeat. on n on n on n on. n everytime i hear long juan feng i'll start daydreaming again. bcos. yarhs. bcos of wat else?

tis world is sho fucked up. i hate my fucked up life. i hate this fucked up dog eat dog world. i hate everyone/ everything tt's fucked up. only my fantasy world is nice. only there can i find happiness. but when i wake up n return to tis fucking reality. the fucking fact tt i was just deceiving myself wld not go away. wld not. wld not. i hate deceiving myself wif my fantasy world. but i lurve my fantasy world.

fantasy.
fantasy.
when will fantasy becomes reality?

[[ feelin': still sleepy ]]

i wanna say sth else b4 retreating to my bed. hmm. i take back my word she's the only person i wanna rely on. yarhs. huey woon is rite. very rite. the only person anyone can rely on is urself. hmm. yep. i shall share my primary school experience in frenship too.

i haf tis very very close fren. yarhs. was my 'bestest best fren'[ive found it to be a very childish term. but who cares?]. yea. i tink she's the only person in tis whole wide world who can stand my strange temper. it's like everytime we quarrel rite. it's almost alwiz i start one[if i nv remember wrongly]. i dun understand how she can be sho good temper lorhs. hees. she's sho nice. very sad now tt we r no longer close. tho' we still keep in contact. like one postcard in a few hundred months. hope we'll get into the same JC then we can become 'bestest best fren' again. maybe she has changed? i dunno. well. ive changed. sho. im really looking 4ward to seeing her again. if there's ever a chance that is.

then i got this other fren of mine. he's my best male fren lorhs. n our frenship was destroyed bcos of a stoopid incident. since it's stoopid i wun elaborate on it. then we really started to drift apart. he started to ignore me. n then i got angry wif him oso. then i sorta started to ignore him too. come to end of the year. we were still bickering. then we just left Chongfu like tt- still mad at each other. tt's sho stoopid lorhs. becos i noe him since p3. p3 u noe. a frenship tt i treasured sho fer 3 yrs. n it jus goes down the drain. bcos of tt stoopid fucking incident. argh! nowadays i alwiz see him in the morning. when waiting fer my train to come. ive tot of going over & saying sth to him. i dunno wat. jus sth. but then nv have the courage. hias. can someone give me the courage to just walk over n say sTH. act miss him[& my 'bestest best fren oso'] a lot.

the three of us alwiz hang out together in the past. cos we were prefects & we'll sorta do our duties together. then alwiz play together. he's sorta qt girly larhs. the only guy in my class who wun like the other guys [who r like sho vulgar. n clumsy. sho rough lorhs. & esp stinky after football. every PE lesson alwiz play football. wat's wrong wif them huh?]

ok. ok. i noe i tok a lot of rubbish. may seem rubbish to everyone but not to me. hees. it doesn't really connect wif the fact tt the only person u can rely on is urself. yarhs. i juz like to rattle on & on a lot. tt's me larhs. full of crap. & more crap to tok abt. hees.

ok. my wonderful bed -just behind me- [my comp's in my room.] here i come. :)

[[ feelin': sleepy ]]

it's like 3 in the morning now. yarhs. wat am i doing online. i just did finish the stoopid of mice and men thing. hias. b4 tt i couldn't tahan & i went to sleep. hmm. 2day nth interesting happen. except fer getting scolded by leong leong. was totally ignoring her lorhs. was studying my chinese.

hees. touched tt u all stood up fer me. :) have really grown to like 4W sho much. lala. we are such a nice class. we are the bez man. yea. hope & pray we get the fittest class again. hmm. food & farn fair hai2 li4 li4 zai4 mu4. yummy. the cotton floss. nanana. we earned sho much frm it.

get down to serious business. hey cherlyn. im sorry. huey woon told me tt u r angry wif me. bcos i was angry wif u. hias. forgive me larhs. have been feeling very weird nowadays. yep. fer no reason. just weird. sho sorry if ive de2 zhui4 u in anyway. yea. we r still bez frens. [or @ least good fren.]

man i need to sleep. hmm. read thru the lyrics of sometimes luv aint enuff. like damn nice yea. shall dl the song. ok. i really need my sleep. im like a pig. whole day tink of sleeping. n eating. n sleeping again. hees. tink ive grown heavier. carn stand myself im sho fat. must run more. yep. juz rubbishing here. but wat can u expect from someone with a brain already 98% sleeping and with vision tt is getting blurrer by the minute no matters how hard she blinks? yarhs. the 2% - one % goes fer still tinking of yarhs[wat else?]. and the other % goes into typing tis. ehh. wat am i doing here sho late at nite killing my brain cells cracking up sth to write?

fucking [haf grown to like tis word ever since i started reading Misery. it's a Stephen King book. hees. sho nice. i mean the story. thanx for introducing it cher.] shit i dunno. i jus noe i need my sleep. yea.

[[ feelin': not happy.not sad.not angry.not nth. ]]

---

regarding my gbk.

hmm. it's not as if me n her nv sat down n tok b4. [ok. we weren't really sitting down. but we tok.] there's really nth to tok abt larhs. she was juz staring into blank space. n i was looking at her. both of us were waiting. n waiting. n waiting. hias. it's no use lorhs. i tink it's even worse now. n i dun understand y.

some of u r sorta 'reprimanding' her. hmm. n huey woon u make me look like im the victim or sth like tt. hias. i dunno larhs. but i tink tt it's really not her fault. i agree with entry 197 by lostatoothie. we shld look frm her point of view oso. mayb she has her own reasons to act the way she's acting?

---

act tt qn is wat im most puzzled abt. ok. if u really haf ur own reasons. wat is it? wat r them? im trying sho hard. sho very hard to communicate wif u. y dunch u open up to me? do u noe i really care a lot abt u? tho' i dun show it on the surface sumtimes? yarhs. mayb u wanna throw tt sentence baq to me. tt "u really care abt me too. jus u dun show it on the surface".

i dunno. i really dunno. how wld i noe? if u dun even bother to tok to me now. the only thing i can do is try to cum up wif a reason y u r acting like tis. ive sho many u noe. i can no longer tell which is rite. which is wrong. which is ur real reason. or maybe all of them r false.

i cannot stand myself nowadays. i'll stare into blank space all of a sudden. totally stop wat im doing. n rot. n i'll start to think abt our problem. wat's wrong? we wun like tt in the past. u noe everytime i tink of us in the past. i carn help but cry. bcos we were sho close u noe. n now?

ok. then i'll start blaming myself fer starting tis stoopid cold war. blame myself fer asking u tt stoopid qn. i'll start to tink of all the possible solutions. sho tis stoopid cold war can stop.

maybe we can try toking? maybe i can take the initiative to tok to u? maybe tis? maybe tt? i dunno lorh. i really dunno. ive even tot of giving up.

tot of letting go. but i noe i carn. bcos tis minute i may tink of letting go. but the nex minute i wld b tinking of u again. i tried. 2 ignore u n bluff my way thru everytime i see u. tried 2 run away frm reality. run away frm u. treat it like nth has happened.

but ive found out tt tt's not possible either.

im really very tired of trying. trying to tok to u. trying to make up wif u. trying to do sho many things. im beginning to lose myself. lose control of my heart. u noe rite. i dun ask anything frm u. i just wan things to go back. like we were in the past. i noe. the hurt. the pain will still be there. but at least i'll haf u by my side to go thru them wif me. i noe there's a lot of pple who care for me. who console me when im sad. who pick me up when im sad.

but the only person i wanna rely on -- is u.

n the only shoulder i wanna rest on -- is urs.

tt's all.

tt's all.

[[ feelin': empty ]]

i carn help it. there's tis big emptiness in me. even tho' i tok to u today. i wanted to tok to u since a million yrs ago. since tt stoopid problem started. since i started tt stoopid problem.

but. coward i was one. am one. sho i let it dragged & dragged. until today. but facing u. i was @ a loss of words.

din even noe why i cried. tho' i tried sho hard to stop it. i. dunno larhs. wasn't able to tell u exactly how i feel. & i actually dun like telling u how i feel thru writing. cos u might interpret it the wrong way again. hias. not ur fault. it's my fault for having sucha bad command of english.

sho. mayb tml im gonna try again. tml's unit dae. hias. wonder whether i'll find the chance. i really wanna sit down & have a good tok wif u lorhs. i dun wanna step down. graduate. & lose u. jus like tt.

hias. feeling sho lost now. lost in the wild? lost in the vast ocean? all alone. i noe there r a lot of pple who care abt me. s/ms. humunk. mayi they all. seejia. cher. hueywoon. chris. weiwei. aderine. lala etc. hias. pardon me if i look very depressed nowadays.

when im depressed i dun really like to tok. becos i dun wan the person im toking to to be influenced by me. i dunno larhs. jus dun really noe how to express my misery in words. & sumtimes. most of the times. i just like to lock myself up. & torture myself wif the pain. wif the hurt. yarhs im crazy. i am. im just not crazy enuff to cut myself yet.

not crazy enuff to kill myself yet. not yet.

jus ignore tis entry larhs. just sth i wrote bcos im very depressed. mind's in a blank now.

[[ feelin': ? ]]

pls. i NV meant it the way u interpretered it ta be. *question mark* reading bet the lines means: ta read beyond the superficial. ta comprehend wat is under the surface.

hmm. i did not say that it's all ur fault. did u realise tt i was blaming myself fer wat was happening. go read the entry below again. read it in my point of view. man. i dunch care if every other person in tis world interprets it the wrong way.

i dun care. u cannot.

CANnOT.

[[ feelin': not very good ]]

great. today's already the 1st day of May. im gonna repeat again. time pass sho fast. hate life. hate myself.

y am i feeling sho depressed again? i oso dunno. i really hate myself sho much sometimes. i alwiz say i wanna change. change my stoopid temper. sho i wun hurt everyone ard me sho much. then. i really did try. but no matter how hard i try i still hurt sho many pple ard me.

yarhs. maybe i nv try hard enuff. how much is hard enuff then? *still searching for an ans. seems like i'll nv get it*

hmm. maybe i shld have a tok wif her. really sit down & tok. tell her exactly how i feel. i hate it when i break down sho often. [alwiz. only for her.] & i dun haf the courage to tell her how i feel.

or maybe she noes. she juz dun wanna care? i tink i really hurt her tt time. but. the pain she's causing in me isn't any lesser. must be even more. bcos she means sho much more to me. than i'll ever mean to her.

hias. wat can i say. i din mean to hurt her. i only wanted us to be closer. tt's all. but i failed to see tt things will turn out tis way. we're drifting apart. if i knew things will turn out tis way..

if only i knew. then i wld nv have allowed myself to do. wat i did.

i noe she'll nv get to read tis. cos she'll nv visit my pg neway. guilt is weighing me down. weighing me down. regretted i may be. but things will nv be the same nemore.

but still i hope. i wish. i pray. things will be like in the past. when we still do care sho much abt each other. & we'll alwiz look for each other's company. & we'll share joy and laughter.

not like now. the care she shows seems sho superficial. like jus to fu1 yan2 me. she no longer seeks my company while i long for her. & the joy & laughter we've shared in the past. it's nth but memories.

mine heart is bleeding. mine world is shattered. all bcoz of u. where. art thou? when i need u sho?

p/s:past entries r archieved. juz in case u r wondering.