[[ feelin': extremely remorseful ]]

jus now i quarrelled with my mom. i feel sho bad now. i shldn't haf shouted back at her like tt. but i dun haf the courage to say sorry to her.

she must haf been very sad. she still must be very sad now. *sobz* i shldn't have lose my cool. argh~ i just carn seem to be able to control tis temper of mine.

i realised it's 20th April today. in 2 days time it's my mom's bdae. i tink i better get sth good fer her to make up. it's all my fault~

but sometimes i jus dun understand y she carn try to understand wat im doing. then she'll jus start nagging and nagging and scolding and scolding. we quarrelled about me spending too much time on np. jus now. i tried to explain to her why and she din even wanna listen. & jus kept on rattling on wif tt stoopid idea of her. she even wanted me to quit. argh. hate it.

im nv gonna quit lorhs. sjb. she just dun understand. in a few months time i'll step down liaos wat. & after today's pioneering session. there r not many more big projects b4 i step down. is it tt hard to understand all these? im sure you understand rite?

[[ feelin': real tired ]]

woa. yesterday i had np. then @ nite i went to the uk carnival. as if tt was not enuff. i got cip today. & i tried to visit the chinese doctor again. i said tried to becos i went & the shop wasn't open. i said again becos tis is the 2nd time tis is happening.

tink im not fated to see the doctor. my left ankle is like dying. it's like sho damn painful sumtime. hias. & ive no idea wat's wrong. juz great rite~ tml got PE. miss OSM is gonna make us run 6 rounds again. carn say i really mind larhs. cos i oso wanna train up. jus scared i run halfway then.. sheesh.

aiyo. the uk carnival is sho farn. apologies to s/ms. cos i din go wif them on friday. but instead went wif my charity fren. ive a reasonable reason larhs. [to me] sho dun cum & hantum me~ i only took one ride larhs act. sho scary. went up & down & up & down.. dizzy~ i tried to win the bIG biG bear [the one hugging a heart]. i failed. sho cute lorhs the bear. *sobz* b4 me a man got one fer his girlfren~ sho envious. mayb i shld get someone to get it fer me too. hees.

[[ feelin': okay. i dunno~ ]]

today was a stormy day. well. according to cher. hmm. tink i was really very bad to everyone. esp the pple sitting ard me. they haf to put up wif me sulking for the whole morning. sorry~

millions of thanx to pple who cared. to try to console me. really make me feel tt they r pple who care. i constantly forget tt tt is sho. my mind will often starts whirling off. tinking tt no one in the world cares.

hias. if only she cares. she totally dun lorhs. why? i carn and dun understand. y carn we treat each other like how we treat others? y is there a barrier tt is like unbreakable in bet us? y carn she juz try a li'l harder to try to understand me? im already very tired frm trying to initiate a tok everytime i see her. & the tok wun even last for 1 min.

wat does she treat me as? huh? i wanna noe. sho many qns i wanna ask her. but i dunno how to. if she's reading it now. hopefully she will noe wat and who im toking abt. shit. i dun tink she'll ever read tis anyway.

like i say. she dun care.

does she?

sometime i tink i look. i am. an idiot.

who tries sho hard to keep tis one-sided friendship wif her. & she just. deny everything. including my existence. y?

can someone. anyone. pls tell me. y?

[[ feelin': better ]]

qt sad siaz. today's the last day of march. it's the last day. sho fast. :(

time wait for no one. how true. now as i type. seconds & minutes are wasted away. away. there's not much time left of my sec 4 year. which spells lesser time with my s/ms. & all my friends.

who i cherish sho.

weixi ma'am's talk yesterday slapped me awake. the wound she had unknowingly inflicted in my heart still hurts as i remember her words. & those words remain in my mind. haunting me. & i vow.

i vow to cherish everyone around me. no. i would not let my anger control me again. never.

i vow at least. to try harder than b4. to stop hurting everyone around me. to stop venting my anger unreasonably on pple. to make everyone ard me smile when they r down. to lend my shoulders to whoever may need them. to dry tears of sorrow. to bring laughters. of joy. & happiness.

yarhs. im sounding as if im like sho wei3 da4. dunno whether i can really do it or not. but. whoever may be reading this. [will there be anyone?] i promise u i would try my very best. really. trust me. this time round.

mark.i.wld.keep.to.my.words.

[[ feelin': worse than ever ]]

i haven't log in for dunno how long. ok. 1 wk. juz too lazy i guess. bz wif other stuff. mostly daydreaming. tink im sho damn damn damn it lazy lorhs. sho many many many things for me to do. & i just push them all aside & dun care abt them. let them rot.

i rather escape to my fantasy world.

im sho selfish. expect pple to give in to me. for everything. i wasn't feeling very like good on thursday. then i practically dao seejia. aderine. jingyi. & sho many other pple. wat's wrong wif me. always venting my anger on other pple. hurting pple. is tt wat i do the best?!

tink lina is rite in saying u only like vent ur anger on pple who u r close to. cos u definitely wun for no reason go & vent ur anger on someone u dun noe well rite. but it still does not give me the reason to hurt those pple i treasure sho much.

i must be a damn damn damn it lousy fren. just tt every other person is too too too nice to tell me tt. my temper is sho sho sho bad. i carn control it at times. anger just take over me. totally. uncool. i said sho many sho many sho many times i wan to change.

wanna appreciate everyone ard me.

haf not even achieve tt yet. set it as a resolution at the beginning of the yr. tink ive achieved zero tis yr. such a bad terrible lousy not up to standard start for such a damn impt yr. hate life. everything sux.

weiting said i tink everything sux bcos i still care.

do i?

i can no longer tell.

[[ feelin': fuming ]]

in 6hrs ++ time hafta be in skool for the workshop. sho late already i still haven sleep tml surely fall asleep during the workshop one lorhs. it's all the stoopid sana logbook lorhs. hafta do it else i wun be able to get my badge. a total total waste of time mans.

the sec 3s r really getting on my nerves. they r really testing my patience lorhs. hello~ they are getting from bad to worse. & from worse to worst. they r the worst squad now lorhs. later in the afternoon they r gonna get a big scolding frm me and lina. i ren3 for the whole wk already lorhs. tml gonna scream @ them. they r really gonna get it tis time.serve them right

shi jie mo ri playing on 933 now. woah~ @ least got sth i like to calm me down. thou i still feel steam coming outta the baq of my head. hope can catch tian tian xiang ni or wat.

[[ feelin': quite okay i guess ]]

:) grins. my dad just bought me a fone yesterday. hee. sho nice of him. but then. u noe. the desire to have a fone was once sho strong. then now i possess it. the passion fer it is like wearing off wearing off liaos. aiyo. very bad rite.

yep. tml ive got a test. shld b studying now. but carn concentrate. cherlyn keep pestering me to read the hana yori dango fanfic. it's real nice larhs. guess i'll try to squeeze time out later. go read oso. those who luv hana will luv it. [according to cherlyn] :)

[[ feelin': very˛ touched ]]

wow. really din expect like sho many pple to visit. :) sho pple do care. thx mans. amm. thuimin. serene ang. shuying. & meiyun. the pple who juz signed my gbk. luv u all oso.

sho 2day is a new day. [my mom's calling me for dinner] shall make tis short. first. wanna say sorry to jingyi. cos i din manage to go out wif her 2day. sorry~ can u hear it?

aint really [my mom's nagging] feeling any betta 2day. how? can anyone help? arhs. i dunno wat 2 say larhs. just like still very lost now. mixed feelin'. sho terrible terrible terrible. when will it go away? when?

bet u haf no idea wat im rattling abt. neither do i leh. how? oh no~ wat's wrong wif me nowadays.

[[ feelin': terrible ]]

im here again. y. cos i got sth to get off my heart.

hmmph~ sth someone did hurt me too much. too deep. then u noe wat i did laz nite. i carn blieve it either. i cried. like i say b4 liaos marhs. i really carn control my tears

im writing tis here cos i noe no one wld bother to read newae. & i really haf to say it out. i really dunno wat's wrong wif me lorhs. cry for tis kinda thing. its not even confirmed yet [i tink]. i dunno. im sho lost now. like im being thrown into the middle of the sea. sho helpless. im tired already. i dunno how to swim well. there's no land in sight. arhs!

[[ feelin': cheated ]]

happy. finally completed my pg. took sho long. neglected my hw. oh no. hols almost over. feel i've not completed much. sho shit lorhs. only one wk & sho many damn hw 2 do. & 3 tests 2 study fer. wat's more. tuesday whole day went baq fer jtc campfire. tt i still dun mind. @ least enjoyed myself. but wasted 16 hrs on wed & thur fer the stoopid sana course. & kao. now still hafta do the logbk. the most shittified thing is haf 2 tok 2 10 pple abt drug abuse lorhs. hello~ total waste of time. hmmph.

now its rainin' outside. sho nice. luv 2 hear the pit-patting of the rain. luv the feelin' of the droplets hittin' on my face. luv 2 stare outta my window @ the rain drops. sho many of them. then later when the sun cums out they will evaporate baq to heaven. and then down they'll cum again. sooner or later. tt's wat we learnt in pri science. the water cycle.

oh~ juz remind me tt life is a cycle oso. not really a cycle larhs. i mean its like its almost the same for everyone. guess ive said tis b4. birth to pri to sec to jc to uni to work to old to death. hias. life's sho sho sho mono. hope life can be like a li'l different. like sum surprise wld pop out frm nowhere. change my life a li'l. but of cos i hope the surprise is a good one. not a sad one.

i tink im one who carn take sad things. i cry ever sho easily ever sho alwiz. alwiz fer small li'l things tt dun deserve me wasting my tears fer. but they just cum rite outta my eyes. tink i carn control them.