One by one, it feels like my family members are alienating themselves from me. They are not doing it consciously. They are changing, they are doing things, things that make it very difficult to easily call them family still. I love them but...

1) I have not been communicating well with a family member since the Presidential election. My family member voted for Bush. It turns out this person has a long history of voting Republican Party line, which I did not know until recently. It saddens and maddens me that this person has such a different view of what the world we live in should be. This worldview is one of (I don't know if this persons personal agenda, but the party that he voted for has this agenda...) absolute power, entitlement, legislation of their chosen morality, war, hatred, fear and money. They take what they think is theirs (all they want is their share and their share is all of it) and they are loathe for anyone different and loathe for challenging opinions.
This past election, the rights of my gay friends were fucking eliminated in 11 states, no rights for them, nope, not for the fags, sorry. It says right here in the bible that the sodomites are bad and therefore you and your lifelong partner cannot have legal rights. Oh, you are not Christian, too fucking bad, those in power are. The lifestyle of war, imperialism and corporate greed was protected. People voted on reasons of morality. Bullshit. If that is morality then half of the people in this country have their head shoved so far up their fucking ass then I cannot imagine what will help them. It's just so frustrating that when you care so much for people, all people, when you try not to judge, when you want peace and justice and members of your family vote the antithesis, how do resolve that? I haven’t yet.

2) A beautiful, young member of my family had cosmetic surgery recently. It was paid for by another person, a gift maybe, a loan? Maybe a security deposit for the purchaser, you know, keep the investment close, “you can’t leave now, I own part of you.” Cosmetic surgery in of itself is not bad. It is great for people that have been mangled, mutilated, burned, deformed, but to have it to adjust your self-esteem seems like money wrongly spent. Now, I care for this person very much. I have seen this person make bad decisions over and over again throughout her life. She is smart, very smart, probably a little too smart. She, unfortunately, has the inability to see her situation from inside of it. When others from outside see what is going on, tell her, she doesn't listen and when something happens that everyone told her about she says, "I didn't see that coming." Myself and other family members think she made the wrong decision by having surgery. Maybe there was a problem, and there are many solutions to a problem, but there are also wrong answers to any given problem.

So, how do you resolve this? It's not that you are required to still love these people, it's that you DO still love them. It hurts, imagine your heart as the center of love. A warm, juicy and red heart is what you want. Now imagine that family has blackened it, dried it, that it’s crumbling like a very old flower.
This is what family has done. I have always had issue with family, but I was getting better and appreciating it, till now.

Today I am thankful to those family members who I can still easily love and I will be sure to let them know.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

I feel like I am in some sort of Kafka esque state.
I have a faint recollection of the Kafka story of a guy that wakes up as a cockroach and continues his life as if nothing has happened, goes to work, etc. Since the election I’ve gone to work, gone to class, cooked food, etc. I continue on as if nothing has changed. Well, a lot has changed. The republicans have put themselves back in the Whitehouse with 3 and a half million more votes than the Democrats. The Republicans have more seats in Congress and in the Senate. Gay marriage was banned in 11 states. Locally, the board of Supervisors went more towards the Republican agenda. It’s not I that has become the cockroach, but the country around me.
Clearly the Republican media machine has worked and it has trounced the Democrats. The Republicans have worked hard to more their agenda forward and it’s worked.
That said, what does that say about the people? Are the going the direction of the Republicans because that is how they think the country should go? Are they stepping in line and following like good Partisan Voters? I don’t know. I don’t understand.
Conservative in of itself is not bad. Religion, again, in of itself is not bad. If those in power are conservative and are religious is not automatically bad…. I still can’t go into this, I’m still too pissed and will just start ranting…
Back to my Kafka life. So, what do I do? I can’t do much about the politics. I have little time and less power to make any change, powerless. I leave it up to my political leaders to straighten things out. However, I do not trust them to do that, they are doing a bad job, they have lost their mojo. And, do I want to live in a country where half of people think it is ok to start a war and as a result have thousands of our young soldiers die, and as a result have hundreds of thousands of civilians die, and as a result have the rest of the world look upon us with disdain, and as a result throw us into a huge deficit. Do I want to live in a country where it’s ok to start this war, but it is immoral to for a woman to have an abortion, for my gay friends to get married and have the same rights as I do when I’m married. What I can only imagine and hope for is that this country is in the place we were fifty years ago when Negros had no rights. We got together and fought for their rights, the right to share the bus, the water fountain, the right to vote, the right to marry interracially… I can only hope things will get better. But for now they are not and that is incredibly sad. People are being oppressed right now, being stripped of their rights, being killed and that is not ok. Why do people think that is ok?
I just don’t understand how this country voted.

NOVEMBER 3, 2004

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex is some kid from England. This is the transcript from a conversation we just had, I don't intend to offend or hurt family. I only speak my mind.

vuduvgn says:
help us, please help america

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
iknow

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
whats up with you all?!?!

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
well

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
just over 50% of the country

vuduvgn says:
we are all very supremely depressed

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
so are we

vuduvgn says:
america wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the bad people

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
indeed

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
lol

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
you think bush is unpopular over there

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
id say 80% of us hate him

vuduvgn says:
apparently he's not unpopular here

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
if england counted as a state, kerry wouldve whooped

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
lol

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
i suppose

vuduvgn says:
i just don't get it, none of us do

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
which state are you in?

vuduvgn says:
a blue one, california

vuduvgn says:
but my dad and other family members voted for bush and that hurts the most

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
ouch

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
why!??!

vuduvgn says:
did you hear that 11 states banned gay marriage?

vuduvgn says:
'cause they have found god

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
no!

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
lol

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
youre all going to hell

vuduvgn says:
not me, don't believe in it, though i would love so see some of those in power roasting down there, it's hard not to think about putting them there myself

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
fuck yeah

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
why didnt you persuade your family>???

vuduvgn says:
COULDNT (CAPS ON FOR WORK RELATED SOFTWARE) MY DAD IS TOO STUBBORN

vuduvgn says:
HE WON'T LISTEN, WON'T THINK, HE'S FUCKING BRAINWASHED BY THE REPUBLICANS

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
yeeah

vuduvgn says:
IT'S HARD NOT TO THINK THAT THIS IS LIKE GERMANY BEFORE HITLER CAME INTO POWER.., OR WAS IN POWER

xTotallyxScenexDisplayxNamex says:
all the republicans ive spoken to are like that

vuduvgn says:
THE REPUBLICANS SURE ARE ORGANIZED AND FALL IN LINE TO DO THEIR JOB

vuduvgn says:
THAT'S HOW THEY GET STUFF DONE.

vuduvgn says:
IT SEEMS LIKE THE DEMOCRATS ARE MORE INDEPENT THINKERS AND THAT IS THEIR STRENGTH AND WEAKNESS

Friday, August 20, 2004

I raced Northstar again last night. It was a series of 9 races, your best 5 finishes of 9 counted towards your total points. I only did 2 races. I didn't try to get the series, just go up for practice and a little excitement. Last night I got second out of 4 or 5 finishers (I don't rememember exactly), 8 people started. The race I did last month, I got first.
I got a nice rip in my leg from a collision with my bike last night. They had a keg of beer and food for $5 after the race. Well, they kinda had beer, it was Bud Lite. I'd never had that before. I surely will not search it out, but at least I know it is swallowable.
When we drove through Martis Valley on the way to the race the smell of the sage was so powerful that it made it into the truck though the windows were shut. Smelled fantastic. Reminded me of my New Mexico days.
On our way out after the race, the view from Martis Valley, East over the valley and the mountains around Donner Summit, sillhouted by the just set sun, the town of truckee at the base of the mountains and the slit of moon up to the left... That kinda thing fills you back up inside.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Alright, so, now I’m 30. I never imagined life after 30. I am surely in new territory. I think I am allowed to re-invent myself now, if I want. A friend recommended a cape. Theatrical does sound tempting. Or, I could revert. It’s time to shave my head again, the combover is getting a bit out of control. I really need to stretch more now that I’m 30. Mebbe add some meditating in the morning. More booze, definitely.
Rode to work today. It was cold. The animals were restless. I can sense their activity. Or, maybe I’m sensing my paranoia. I’ve put about 200 miles on the singlespeed since the cool race. I feel strength in my legs that I’ve never felt before. I am actually feeling pretty damn good on the bike. Ready to race again.
Erin and I saw the movie Matewan for my birthday. Chris Cooper, John Sayles, Darth Vader, Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy, Hazel Dickens, the Chief of Medicine from Scrubs. Truly an all-star cast. Great movie. Very depressing though.
Over and out.

Friday, March 19, 2004

My update yesterday was going to start with "Honk if your world is spiraling out of control!"
This will be short as to minimized the drival, bitching and whining. It's sunny, warm, the trails are awesome and I am riding as much as possible because it makes me happy. There are too many things on my plate and too many things going wrong. However, cycling is there to keep me sane and thinking clearly. If I were to say who my personal savior was, I would have to say it was the bicycle. A toast to many years on the bike!

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

It was soooooooooo hard to go to work today. Because we had such an excellent ride yesterday afternoon all I wanted to do was quit work and ride. Just ride from now on out. That’s it. Stupid reality got in my way. It (reality) has always been a thorn in my side. Damn it!
Well, four of us rode Round Mountain yesterday afternoon. I was on the new Giant singlespeed with the brand new Fox Float 100 RLC. That fork with the solid rear end of the singlespeed catapulted me down the trail making me jump at every possible opportunity, crossing up the bars and kicking the rear end around. Friggin fast and rippin! One of the best rides I have had in a while.
I’m racing Sunday. I’m going to race the singlespeed in the sport class. I’ve done this race twice before. The first time I got third. The second time I suffered. It was awful. I’m hoping to have a day somewhere in between. I don’t plan to win, but I plan to race hard. Tonight I go home and spin for about an hour. Trying to get my ass in shape. I’m not drinking much beer this week. I hope to make up for that next week.

Thursday, February 5, 2004

Jesus loved me the other day. He dressed up in a brown shirt and shorts, drove a brown truck and brought my Fox shock to me. I installed it and there it sits. Too friggin busy to throw a leg over the single, for now. Come Sunday, I’ll be in glorious single speed dry heave heaven. I’m heading down to Cool, California to pre-ride the course I’ll be racing on the day after Valentines day. Quite a generous girlfriend to “allow” me to race the day after Valentines day. I wonder how much validity there is to the whole “sex depletes your athletic abilities” idea. I’ll have to reimburse her tenfold.
We put together a group and did a moonlight snowshoe hike last night. It was cold and beautiful. Glitter on top of the crusty snow. Dark shadows cast by the moon. We followed a trail that I ride weekly during the summer. It is amazing how well I could follow it with three feet of snow on top of it. Let’s do that again.
Hmmm, the Marzocchi should be back soon.

Tuesday, February 3, 2004

I was in Orange County for a Christmas vacation last year. Erin (the better half of me) gave me quite a bit of time to do some road riding. Very good of her. There was a tether that kept me in check, her cell phone. I’d call, we’d coordinate meeting times, plans after my ride, etc. She’d call. I’d answer, while riding. I would answer the cell phone while cruising down the road at twenty miles per hour. Didn’t seem like a good idea at the time. Still doesn’t. Cell phones kill.
To contradict my pessimistic attitude, last Saturday was beautifully sunny, cold, but sunny. I dragged my ass out of bed and rode with a group of skinny tired monsters. They pulled me around for two and a half hours. We covered almost fourty miles and probably about three thousand feet in elevation gain. It hurt. It hurt good.
Sunday brought the BONC Superbowl ride, lead by me and inspired by the good folks in Harrisonburg, VA. Two other people showed up. Two. I don’t know what to do to get people around here to get together for a group ride. Anyway, we three waited for the scheduled 10 am ride and we had two others join us. We rode for a couple hours, it snowed some. It was good ride. Pictures.
Still waiting for the Marzocchi to be fixed and sent back. Still waiting for the Fox I ordered to arrive. Backordered. Can no one get their shit together. I surely cannot. In the meantime, when I want some dirt, I ride the Fisher. The Fisher is too small for me. Too short. Twitchy, short top tube. Lean over it a bit and that apex you stay behind, the one that if you go over, you endo…. well that apex is not far from my normal seated position. Always on guard, going slow, easing the front wheel into things. Sucks. Can’t let go, can’t go fast, can’t open it up. Can’t wait till one of those shocks get here so I can let ‘er rip!

Friday, January 30, 2004

I’m not sure how they measure visibility in reference to fog… but I can see the yellow “road narrows” sign across the street, and beyond that, the outline of the barn about 60 feet away. Beyond that, light gray. Supposed to be sunny tomorrow, I don’t have much hope for that right now. Let's just say I'm really hoping it is sunny tomorrow.
I got a cell phone last week, requested a 'special' number for it too. I’m not afraid of technology, nor am I embracing it. I decided to play with some portable devices for a while and see if I find them beneficial or time consuming. I also got a Palm PDA a couple months ago. Since I got it my credit card payments have not been late. Score one for the Palm.
Flashback to high school, or what should have been. I started an Algebra class last Monday. Intermediate algebra. I think I can hack it, if not I’ll have to wrestle Erin to the ground and make her show me why I got a problem wrong. Algebra is linear thinking and I’m not very good at that. Geometry was better because there were pictures.
I got my single speed three weeks ago. Rode it the next five out of eight days. On the eight day I broke the front shock. So, since then, it has been sitting in the stand, waiting for Marzocchi to get their fucking act together and send me my goddamn fork. The full suspension is down because I pulled parts off it to build the Fisher and the single speed. Namely, I pulled the fork off the full suspension to build the single speed. Three mountain bikes, one fork. Bad ratio. Oh, and the Fisher was purchased as an urban bike and was purchased specifically small as it would be easy to throw around. As a cross country bike (as it is now set up) it does not fit me and scares the hell out of me on fast technical stuff. It’s not fun to ride. Piss and moan, piss and moan.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Yes. Yes it has been too quiet around here. I was not able to take my rudder to the repair shop, so I had to fix it myself. I'm almost done fixing it. Then i've got to mount it back on my boat and set the course. In time.
In the material world....it looks like it is training season. First race is in less than a month. It... it will be awful. I am not loooking forward to it. I am very excited about the race. I've been riding nothing but the single speed for the last week. Friggin rippin'! Fast, fast, pain, fast. That's good for me. For those of you (how many are reading this... me, you, um, I think that's all....) who don't know what a single speed is, read this.
This is a very intersting 'one of those tests things.' It measures you from left to right, economically and politically. My results were not suprising, however, some of the answers I gave were. Check it out.
Oh, there is some great new music i'm hoping to check out too. Califone (link to left) has a new album out today. As does Jason Molina (aka Songs: Ohia). Belle and Sebastian have a DVD out... more...?
And look for an interview I did with Califone to appear on the Pastrysharp website when I get around to finishing the transcribing.

Thursday, January 8, 2004

I’ll play ketchup. December 22 – drove to Los Angeles. December 23 – three hour shitty road ride in the rain. Helped a Mormon elder fix his bike. He thanked me by giving me a flyer for a free dvd. Stupid robot. December 24 – three hour road ride with erin to Huntington Beach. December 25 – continued to eat too much food and even more cookies. December 26 – snuck an hour road ride in just before the sunset. December 27 – four hour road ride with erin towards Dana Point. December 28 – train, bus, jeep back to Nevada City. Arrived 30 minutes before it started snowing. December 29 – worked, tore down Giant NRS. December 30 – worked, tore down Giant NRS. December 31 – worked, put in 2 1/2 dirt ride, worked, went into town with Tod. Drank, drank, drank, danced, drank, got rained on while leaning over railing puking. Jan 1 – slept late, watched 5 hours of tv, worked. Jan 2 – worked, watched American Wedding (funny and painfully uncomfortable). Jan 3 – cleaned, worked, erin arrived back home. Went to dinner. Jan 4 – erin and I did 4 +/- snowshoe hike 25 minutes up the road where there was 4 feet of snow. We turned around at an amazing overlook point. You can see Bear Valley, Spaulding Lake (reservoir), Signal Peak, Old Man Mountain, Grouse Ridge, Hwy 20 and I-80 from this overlook.
My single speed frame arrived yesterday. When I picked it up I was shaking, bumping into things, I was a wreck. NERD!!!!!!!!! Mostly built up now. Hope to break her in this weekend. Did shortish dirt ride with Tod yesterday afternoon. Friggin muddy and slippery out there.
Ok, now that we are caught up, I’ll get back to posting some more interesting stuff.