Wednesday, April 21, 2010, 09:12 p.m.
I'm not ok...
I think something is wrong with me... I have to quit keeping things to myself... It hurts more than it helps... I have to quit sharing things that bother me with the cyber world... I have to try to share them with my friends or family... I need to let some of it out or it'll kill me!... It causes way too many unresolved emotions within me... One day those emotions will explode and it won't be good... These emotions are already starting to cause problems... When I even think about sad things I want to cry and not stop... The tears bring up so many emotions that I have held inside that it drives me insane... I have to let out these emotions and not just to the cyber world because it's not going to help... I resort to this blog because I can't talk to anyone because I don't know who to talk to or what to say... I need so many people right now but I know that I will only be silent with them... I will not open up because that's who I am... I don't know how to change that but I want to change that... I wish people could just read my mind so I wouldn't have to worry about how to tell them things or about these trapped feelings... I would just be an open book which might be good and bad... At the moment I only see the good... It would save me from so much pain... so many tears... People would see how I have an internal struggle... I am my worst enemy... I don't want to be... I will not let go of the pain that I know that I caused others... You may say you're ok but I'm not ok... I'm really not... And I dunno when I will be ok... All I know is I'm not ok...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010, 08:01 p.m.
I can't think straight!!! My head is spinning with the guilt of making my best friend feel horrible. I want to talk to her about it but she's not here and won't be here for a long while. I might not get to talk to her tonight. Why did I have to go and write that status on myspace. I should have just kept it to myself!!! It would make me feel so much better right now! Yea I did feel awkward being the only one in a room with two people who were making out but almost anyone would be. If someone else was with me I wouldn't have minded cuz there would have been a distraction. It was also awkward because there was no other sound than the sound of their lips coming together and apart. Just hearing that is kind of gross and that's why I put my mood as gross. Just them being there together made me a bit jealous. Them making out just reminded me that I'm single and that's what lead to the jealousy. I hate being jealous or envious of others and that's why I made my mood face a mad one. I'm not mad at you Jenny! And to even know that you even thought that I might have been angry with you kills me! I was angry with myself!!! I'm now even more angry with myself because I should have just told you how awkward it had been for me! But I didn't want to tell you because you were happy and that's all I want for you! You deserve to be happy no matter what I'm feeling! That's why I didn't tell you and I'm so sorry because I probably should have just told you! you should never resent yourself for anything. I should be the one to be resented. You said that you didn't intend for your note to fix anything but there isn't really anything to fix. The only thing that may need to be fixed is my open-ness so nothing like this will happen again. I shouldn't be posting my unspoken feelings on facebook or myspace! I should be sharing them with you or someone else that I love! I really dislike myself right now. I feel like I have to throw up because of how bad my emotions are messing with me. I don't want to eat or do anything really until I make sure that you are ok. On facebook you said you were ok or that things were ok but then why don't I feel any better =( I feel that I really need to talk to you, but I'm not sure I would know what to start with to say. I don't know if you're going to read this and if you do read it I don't know when you're going to read it but I just have to say that I love you and that I didn't mean to cause this much trouble using stupid myspace. I feel like I have put a bump into our relationship and I hope it doesn't throw it off too bad. I think I need you right now but I know that you're busy and really need to study for your class. I love you so much! ♥
I'm not going to even try to end this entry with a happy quote or moment like I had wanted to try to. I am just going to end it by saying help me God. I feel this is a time when I need you.
Friday, April 9, 2010, 10:07 a.m.
The following is an email I sent to the Frank Show on KFMA.
I know that the auditions are over now but I just wanted to let you know how disappointed I am. Ever since hearing about the auditions on Monday I was dying to try out. On Tuesday and Wednesday you had held the auditions after 9 which was after I had to leave for class because I attend the U of A. On Thursday morning I started listening after 9 because my class was cancelled and because I had a group meeting before that time. While listening I had found out that you had already held auditions. Because I knew today was the last chance to audition I was hanging on to hope that I would be able to audition, but when I called, the phone lines were already full so I didn't get the chance to audition. Not even being able to audition has made me one of the saddest people you can imagine. I would have liked a chance to at least audition for this great opportunity but I didn't even get that. I thought I would just let you guys know. I'll be in the audience watching at KFMA.
Sincerely,
Monique Quiroz
I was really depressed when writing this. I couldn't stop crying the whole time I wrote this and guess what? After sending it they read out loud on the radio. They laughed! The guys on the Frank Show are the biggest fucking assholes!!! They don't understand that singing is my greatest passion! They don't understand how special this would have been for me! At the moment I don't care that I have tickets to go to KFMA Day because it will not be as enjoyable as I had wanted to be. AH!!! It's so hard not to cry now just thinking about all this. I can't cry or else my makeup will start running and I don't want that to happen. Oh! Also what the guys on the Frank Show did is after they found out my name is Monique they said they would have felt sorrier for me. My name should have no influence on what those assholes should feel as a human being. They should be more sensitive to everyone. How do they know that I don't suffer from depression and that I won't go out and commit suicide? Also after hearing that my name was Monique they played some sort of jingle about eating cake. They said like I should go have cake. WTF!!! Them saying that just made me feel fat! I've been close to obesity before and I don't want to be close again! I want to go down in weight so I can feel more confident because my fat already makes me feel self-conscious! Isn't it bad enough that I have to deal with my dad pointing out my chubbyness sometimes? Do the guys on the radio really have to remind me that I struggle with my weight? Do they want me to go and eat myself to death?!? Sometimes I think about it or things like it. I just have to remember that I have some friends and family that I love and that love me. They're the reason that I live my life! I really need them this weekend and I'm so glad that I am going to a party tonight. I think that I'm gonna drown my fucking sorrows and fatness in vodka and beer and whatever the fuck else they have at the party. So now I will say FUCK YOU FRANK SHOW GUYS!!! Fuck you Frank! Fuck you Sherm! Fuck you Tic-Tac! You guys have really made my fucking day! This was the best way to fucking start my day! Now my day just can't get any better! Thanks! Assholes!!!
Thursday, March 25, 2010, 08:57 p.m.
I WISH I WAS A VAMPIRE!!!!!!! XD
Tuesday, March 23, 2010, 10:25 p.m.
Oh my goodness this is gonna be a total happy entry!!! XD I usually just use this to rant but now I really wanna just talk about the night that I had on Saturday night or technically Sunday morning cuz it was after midnight. It was just so amazing. I actually finished more than one beer which is a huge accomplishment for me because the most I had ever finished was one beer. Haha. Beer is so gross so that's why I never would actually finish one except for my 1st one. The only reason I was able to finish it is because I washed it down with a bacardi mixed drink =) But anyways back to Saturday night!!! I was able to finish more than one beer because Albert ♥ and Ramon suggested we play a game where we take a shot of beer every minute. Nikki was being weak and didn't play the game with us but it was still pretty fun. Albert and I were the only ones that actually kept to it for a long while. After I finished my 1st beer Albert started pouring the shots of beer for me. It was kinda sweet. We got through that beer and then opened another. Hehe. We got half way through that one before I said that I was done =) When I said that I was done so did he. We had gone to check how much beer was left and when we found out there was half a can, Albert told me that I had to help him drink it. I said "hell no I'm done. u drink it." he just laughed at me. He ended up finishing the beer later. But anyways after we finished with the drinking game I had realized that I had finished more than just one beer Ramon gave me a high five then Albert did. Then Albert put his hand near his face and said "to the side" and when I high fived him to the side I poked his eye. I felt bad and when I leaned over to say sorry he and I bumped heads. Hahaha. It was pretty funny. We were sitting closer to each other after that moment =) When we would talk our foreheads were pretty much touching and all I could notice was his eyes. They were so hipnotizing =) I had wanted to kiss him but I decided not to but he ended up kissing me so of course I kissed him back. I'm so glad that he kissed me 1st. It was so sweet! After kissing for a while he told me that my lips were really soft and I responded with "as are yours" =) Oh I loved his smile. And I love that he made me smile so much too. I couldn't stop smiling that night =) Something that Albert did that I loved when we were kissing is that he bit my lip. I love biting when kissing! I can't explain it I just love it!!! The last person whoever did that to me was Xavi which was so long ago! I had bit one guy when he kissed me but he never bit me back cuz he was pretty shitface drunk but anyways back to Satuday! Albert was the 1st guy that I have kissed in 2010 and it had been a while since I kissed anyone. The last time I kissed a person was in August, and the last time I had kissed a guy was in July! Haha. So kissing Albert felt really amazing =) He kinda "man handled" me a bit which felt amazing =) He had pushed me back to lay on the floor at one point which was one of those man handling things he did. It was kinda funny cuz my legs were like underneath me which was ok because of my flexability ;) He had stopped then sat up so I did the same but then he pushed me down to the floor again while kissing me. I took my legs out from underneath me this time and layed on my side a bit because I didn't want Albert accidentally hurting me by putting too much pressure on my piercings. After a while he was starting as if he was about to get up and I asked where he was going. He told me that he was going to the other room. I asked why and he just said that he was going to the other room so then I was like ok. So I kinda layed back down and he asked if I wanted to come with him and I said no really quickly. I did this cuz the only reason I could think of for him going to the other room was to get a condom and I was not gonna be doing anything with that. I'm a virgin and plan to stay that way for quite a while. So once he left I sat up and Chen asked what I did to him. I didn't do anything to him was the truth and what I said. Chen wanted to go then. I didn't. When Albert came back into the room I had to try waking Nikki up and when I was shaking her on the bed Albert came to lay beside me. I ended up getting up to try to get my phone from Chen cuz he took it and said he wouldn't give it back til we were in the car leaving. So we were supposed to keep trying to wake up Nikki. As we were doing that it looked like Albert was falling asleep to me so I told him to wake up! He then told me that I was bossy and I was starting to argue with him about it until he said "but I like it" then he smiled which made me smile and we kissed some more =) When we were leaving he walked me as far as the door cuz he was only wearing an undershirt and it was pretty freezing. When I was almost to the car I realized that I had 4gotten my purse so I ran back inside. When I got back into Ramon's room Albert was lying on the bed and I told him that I 4got my purse grabbed it and kissed him again. I got to see his amazing smile once more b4 I left =) when I was in the car and Chen gave me my phone I had totally 4gotten that he had it. It's kinda funny. The next day when I was hanging with Chen and Nikki they said that me and Albert looked cute together =) Chen also told me that when I had been jumping on Nikki cuz she said volleyball was better than softball which it's not that Albert said that I was cute and Chen then said that if he thought that that was cute then he had to have been crushing and he said so. XD So amazing!!! XD I want to hang out with him again! =D I'm gonna text him in the morning =) So now I shall say Goodnight!!! I love life!!! ♥
Thursday, March 18, 2010, 11:58 a.m.
Who knew that dreams could be so sad when the events that happen should be happy. I think that I'm the only one this happens to. I've never heard of people that have dreams of things that should be happy things but end up being some of the saddest dreams that I've ever had. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I should probably check one of those things that help you interpret your dreams but I'm not sure if I even want to know wat what my dream means. My dream just seemed so bizzare that I think it won't mean anything good. In my dream there were 2 guys who I have kind of liked that kissed me but in my dream as much as I wanted to kiss them back I couldn't. I know that they don't like me and if they do they don't like me as much as they like someone else. I just couldn't kiss them feeling like I wasn't the one that they truely liked. And throughout the entire dream I was with one of them no matter what and all I could feel was saddness. No matter what we did, no matter how happy it should have made me I was just sad. It was like I wanted to tell them what my thoughts were but I couldn't. I could only be with them where ever I went. Almost as if I was trapped to be with them and to be tortured within. I couldn't take it. When I woke up the first time I just took a few deep breaths and thought the dream wouldn't come back if I fell asleep but it picked up right where it left off. I couldn't even wake myself up. Luckly Victor had texted me and I woke up. I don't know if I could have taken anymore of that dream. I don't even know what caused me to have a dream such as that. I hate my dreams sometimes. Why can't I just not be able to dream?!? That would make things so much easier. I wouldn't have to think about my dream if I didn't have them. I wouldn't be crying if I didn't have them. In a little dream book I have it says that kissing in a dream is rarely negative but this dream felt like the kisses were completely negative. I just don't get it. There was a part in the end where I finally got away from both guys but it led me to a table of jewelry and I had to pick one. Which ever one I picked would lead me down a certain path. I was afraid to pick for fear of leading back to one of the guys but that's when I had woken up and got up. I was still tired and could have slept more but I didn't want to dream more. It would have made this all worst.
Ok now I want to talk about something else. Yesterday I had the strongest urge to kiss some that I knew I couldn't. I've never had an urge that strong to kiss that person. I know they wouldn't kiss me back for sure. They never would. I think I need to find someone so that way I won't be tempted to kiss anyone else. Good thing Chen is going to try to find me someone. And I'm excited that he's gonna try to find me a girl. It'll be so great to be with a girl. Girls have such soft lips too, although I guess I can't just say that about all girls since I've only kissed one. Well I have to go now because I have to head to work soon. Bye.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010, 10:03 p.m.
So I think I am starting to like two people. I'm pretty sure nothing is going to happen with either of them. That's why I need to start talking with other people like hot guy from my language class. Or I should have actually talked to 20 on saturday at the baseball park. I just need to start doing something to talk to people who I might actually have a chance with. I can't wait to meet people at the Biz next week. I'll be able to freely tell people that I'm bi or else I probably wouldn't even be there. I'll actually talk to girls and maybe start talking with one. I'd be so nervous to have a relationship with a girl. Especially since almost no one knows I'm bi. I'd feel bad not being able to introduce her to my family other than my cousin. I could introduce her to some of my friends but I'm not sure a girl would like that. I feel like a relationship with a girl would be over b4 it can truly get anywhere just because I'm a stupid chicken who cares too much what people think. I'm not sure that I could ever come out to my parents. I think I can come out to my younger brother and one of my tias. Maybe two of my tias but I'm not sure. Bisexuality isn't that bad but there are many stupid people out there who don't agree. I wish that I didn't know any of those people but sadly I do.
So anyways I don't think I have much else to say at the moment other than I have hw to do. I hate hw but it's apart of life and I love life. Muah!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010, 09:41 p.m.
Crunch crunch crunch! Ice ice ice! Yups...
So today didn't go as well as I thought it would. Quite a few things went wrong. I feel horrible. I'm so dumb for having put off some of my homework and then to lose all the points I did. It was one of the largest homework that we're having for this semester. So by not doing it on time I lost so many points. I'm so stupid!!! I need to start writing things where I'll see them like on my hand. When I write things there I don't forget at all. It might not look right to some people but that's what I really should start doing or else all my grades might suffer and my scholarship is in danger as of now so I can't afford skipping homeworks and other assignments. I really need to get my priorities straight. I have always been one to procrastinate but I have to stop or suffer losing my scholarship which could greatly affect my future. I need to keep my scholarship or else I will not be able to continue my schooling and I won't be able to follow the career path that I want to persue. I don't want that to happen. If it does I'm going to be in so much mental and emotional pain. I can't go through that. It will make me feel like an utter failure. I can't be a failure or else I will feel like I am not needed in this world and that I wouldn't be able to do anything to help anyone. I need to change things now!!! I need more discipline. Help! =(
Something else that I had expected to be better was the Rio Rico/Nogales softball game. I expected it to be a great game because Nogales had lost all of their good players and Rio Rico could actually have a chance. But that didn't happen. After what we call "the inning" some of the girls from Rio Rico just gave up. You never give up no matter if your winning or losing during the entire game! "The inning" had only occured in the 2nd inning too. They could have come back! I'm pretty disappointed in the outfielders. They let a few balls go past them that were entirely stoppable. I really don't believe that they had any excuses. They just need to keep their gloves on the ground and get in front of the ball. Simple as that. Oh and I believe that everyone need to stop being afraid of being hit by the ball. They can't turn away! They can't move to the side and just reach for it! They have to get in front of it! If they get hit, oh well!!! The bruises will heal eventually! They need to put their whole heart into it or just get off the field! Teammates should not bring each other down either. They need to help each other all the time, not just when they feel like it. What happened to playing with heart and playing together as a team. I know one person who always did that no matter what... I wish she was still here with us all. RIP Miriam E. Ames. I love you and miss you! If only more people knew the way you had been so they would know what playing with heart truely is. You could have been one of the best role models that they could have known but sadly God needed you more than we apparently needed you. I hope your in a great place #15. Hopefully your in a great softball field in the sky or in a doctor's office in the sky. You would have been a great doctor if you would have lived to see your future. ILY and IMY Miriam.
So anyways I didn't get to hug all the people that I miss today. I saw alot of them but I didn't get to actually talk to them or hug them and it made me kinda sad. I would have been so happy if I would have hugged all of them, especially the 3 girls that I miss the most. I actually believe that I really like one of them as more than a friend but she doesn't role that way. Haha. I should have just waited for a few minutes and I would have gotten to hug them. I just wasn't thinking at that moment I guess... I also miss my friend. Let's call him man. He's a guy that I've liked more than once and I believe that I'll never officially stop liking him but he'll never see me in that way. Man usually just sees me as one of the guys. I just have to live with it that way but I don't mind. My mom had said that he was there and he left as my mom got there which was before I got there. I miss man. I used to see him almost everyday because I was his math tutor but now he's back in Rio Rico and I'm up here in Tucson. I wonder what he's been up to. Oh well...
So I think I'm done saying all that I have to say for now so I will leave on a good note by saying... ♫ Music = Love ♥ =)
Monday, March 1, 2010, 11:14 p.m.
Jealousy... Why does there even have to be an emotion as such. It's the worst emotion ever. No matter how hard you try to not be jealous of certain things it just happens. It's not like the people who are making me jealous are doing it purposly. They don't even know how I feel. Feelings are inescapeable. I hate it! Why does he have to kiss her in front of me. I don't even look at them but I hear his lips... The lips of someone that I was starting to like... He doesn't even know. She doesn't even know. If she knew she'd stop it but I don't want her to if it makes her happy. I see the way she smiles and I love her so much that that's what I want for her. She deserves to be happy. She's had so much pain before in her life, but she's not the kind of person who deserves it. She deserves the best in the world. He could be the best in the world for her but we won't know until something happens. If she's happy then I'll be happy because I love her and there is nothing more satisfying than seeing her happy.
Ok now lets change subjects cuz I don't wanna talk about jealousy anymore. I wanna talk about how I've been wondering what it would have been like if me and... let's call him stupid, would have actually dated. I think it would have worked out really well. We were like the best of friends and he was a true gentleman... or at least when he liked me he was. Now that we're just friends he just likes to be an ass. But I still think I would like him if he liked me back. We used to have so much fun hanging out and we were able to talk for hours if we wanted to. He would wrestle with me or actually more like lay on me while I tried to figure out how to get out and when the chicks who were cleaning needed us to move he would just roll us both over. Those were the days when I felt life was so great. We could have had something but he hated doubt. As soon as a girl he liked had doubt or was unsure or confused he would go back to his ex. Why did I have to say that I was a bit confused after he had kissed me?!? The confusion was all cuz of my 1st bf had broken up with me just 3 weeks before and stupid had just broken up with his gf a week and a half before then. That's probably the whole reason why nothing ever really happened between us... What I wouldn't give to go back in time to that kiss, with his soft touch and the butterflies I got. It might have been the best kiss I had ever gotten. Maybe even better than my 1st kiss. I really dunno. My 1st kiss gave me butterflies and pretty visions in my brain but that kiss with stupid was a bit more. The butterflies were just as intense. I really don't know. I only wish something would have happened so I wouldn't have all this doubt... Or if only I could find that same type of feeling with another guy and see what would happen from there. Oh life... why must you be so cruel sometimes.. Why must I have to struggle to find someone who I might actually be happy with? If only I could find the answers. Everything might make a little bit more sense that way.
So now I'm getting a headache which is probably a sign that I should go to bed. I want to take my cow with me to bed but I know that all he's gonna do is fall off which wouldn't be good since I'm on the top bunk in the sleeping porch. So I shall take my leave by saying... I love my cow =)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010, 05:37 p.m.
So today I got to see my cousin that I hadn't seen since the 4th of July! I love my cousin! He's one of my favorite cousins =) The only somewhat bad thing about today is that my ex was there too, but he's my cousin's best friend so I had to deal with it. It's not that I still like my ex; quite to the contrary: he annoys the hell out of me most of the time. Ugh.. It all started back when he told me the real reason he had broken up with me. It was the most retarded reason ever. I believe it's all because those stupid fortune tellers who all told him that he's going to end up alone. The only reason it's true is because he finds any little thing wrong with a girl in order to break up with her. The reason, to sum it up, that he broke up with me is because I have some insecurities about my weight and I'm a daddy's girl. Now that is just retarded cuz there is not a single girl probably in the world that isn't insecure about their weight or something else. And I can't help that I'm a daddy's girl! I love my daddy and no matter who I go out with or who I end up marrying, my dad will always be the number one guy in my life. He's always been there for me and he always will be. I love my daddy more than I will love anyone else... except maybe my mom. Ok so that's my rant on that. I'm done with that. It made me kinda happy to see that my ex is fat.
The thing that made me happiest today is that my cousin found out that I'm bisexual cuz he read my blog and he gave me a big hug and said that he accepts me just the way I am. That's the kind of thing I want other people to say when they find out because other reactions mostly just hurt. I would like everyone to be just as understanding as my cousin was. I love him. Ok well now I'm really gonna go cuz I'm going to Cookies and Condoms to get free cookies and condoms. Hahaha =) Bye
Monday, February 22, 2010, 07:51 p.m.
Ok so it's been forever since I have written on my blog so I think that I'm gonna try to write more often. It would be a good way to let out alot of unspoken feeling I have had. Hopefully I can do some of it without crying cuz even thinking about some of it makes me wanna cry. So since very little people actually read my blog or even know about it I'm gonna just say anything and everything. So what alot of people don't know about me now is that I'm bisexual. I wish I could just tell people but some of the people I have tried to tell don't react well to it. I tried to tell my little buddy but his reaction wasn't what I expected. He had said "please say you're kidding." I told him that I didn't know. He said that bisexual people are pretty sexy but anyone but me. What was that supposed to mean?!? Because I am who I am I can't be bisexual?!? I can't be bisexual but other people can be! That's a bunch of shit. The next day I played it off like I was drunk the night before when I was talking to my little buddy. But I wasn't. I was just at a party where I kissed my first girl. I can't help the fact that I'm bisexual. I want to come out but I know that I care too much what other people think. I can't help it. That's just the way I've always been. I tried to tell my tia and even she didn't have a reaction I wanted. She said that she would rather me be lesbian than bisexual. Why?!? It makes no sense. Why me?!? The only people who have been understanding are 2 of my friends who are also bisexual and my gay cousin and my best friend (more like my sister and she's also my roommate). I've felt like I can't tell anyone all because of these experiences. I want to meet guys and girls through my college carreer. I want to date both too! It's who I am. Although I am bisexual I like guys more than I like girls. In the end I want to end up with a guy but while I'm in the process of dating I want to date both. I don't know who understands me and who doesn't but I don't care. I've let my thoughts out now so I'm satisfied. Oh I failed at the not crying while writing this. I'm done for now.