Sunday, April 3, 2011, 10:07 p.m.
I am really upset right now and the worst part is I don't even know why... I upset to the point where I can't even think about going to sleep.. I was just gonna try to go to sleep but then something so little just made it almost impossible to go to sleep. I hate how little things build up to make me so mad or sad. It's just not right. So many things that Marcos does makes me so mad and I hate it. I love my brother and some of the things he does shouldn't get me as mad as I actually get. I should be able to just shake it off and move on but somehow I can't. I just can't take it anymore! Leaving empty boxes in the cabinets when he should throw them out, putting kitchen towels for the hand towel in the bathroom, always asking where I'm going, writing things on the list while I'm at the store instead of texting me, or putting napkins in the bathroom when we run out of toilet paper and then not finishing using them after we buy toilet paper. Just so many things that build up that I can't take it anymore. I feel like I just wanna leave! Also something that I think it's reasonable that I cannot shake it off is that Marcos chews with his mouth open. It's a pretty loud and obnoxious chewing too. Nick always makes that same sound toward Marcos when it's bothering him but I can't do that without coming off as a bitch. There's almost no way that I can tell him anything that's bothering me without coming off as a total bitch. I can be a bitch when I want to be a bitch but I don't want to come off that way to my brother when there is no need to. So I just need to suck it up and deal with it until I move out. That's only a couple months away. Not soon enough for me though.
I want to move out already! I don't want to live with my brother anymore! I just need my space from my brothers. I love them but I just can't live with them anymore. I've lived with them most of my life and when we were at home with our parents it was fine because our parents kept some order and they helped in making us keep the place clean. Now that our parents aren't around to do that, the apartment almost never gets cleaned. Marcos only does the dishes when they are piled up high, when something he needs isn't clean. I like for the dishes to be done more often than that but that won't happen unless I am the only one doing the dishes. Out of the last 6 times that the dishes have been done, I washed them 5 times. It's obnoxious! Today because I was home alone for hours, I was able to be very productive. I cleaned my room, I did the dishes, I cleaned the kitchen, I organized the refrigerator, I cleaned the toilet bathtub sinks and mirrors, and I mopped. I pretty much did all the cleaning there was to do except vacuum. I might actually do that tomorrow. I was also able to make flan, make lasagna for dinner and to make brownies, without making a complete disaster area of the kitchen. I used very few dishes and I washed like half of them. I'm going to wash the rest of them tomorrow. I worked hard to get most everything clean. My brother probably doesn't appreciate that, especially since when he cleans it doesn't take much effort because he does a half ass job at it. It's just not fair. I also organized my closet today at the end of the day because I was trying to distract myself from the stupid annoyance that I was feeling toward my brother but that didn't work... It just made my closet clean and the annoyance just pushed up to the level where I became emotional for no fucking reason!.. I hate it... I don't know why I deserve this but I guess I do deserve this. I've been kinda emotional like this starting from yesterday. It just seems to be periodic with no real time increment set so it just bugs the hell out of me. I don't know who to talk to about it because I'm not sure who would truly understand... My best friend/wifey might understand but whatever may be wrong with me is no comparison to what she's going through so I don't want to bother her with whatever is wrong with me. My boyfriend, Albert, doesn't seem to fully understand. Sometimes I feel like he just tries to push it aside by just trying to make me happy instead of trying to confront it. What he does works for a while, but it's only temporary in comparison. I love Albert to death though. Especially since he tries so hard. I love how he lets me know that I can talk to him, but sometimes it's just so hard because I just like to keep to myself. I have trouble expressing myself; always have and probably always will.
I'm going to try to talk about happier things in hopes that this might make me feel better. When I move out, away from my brothers, I'm going to move in with Albert. I can't wait for that. It will be so much better because certain things won't get in the way. We won't be kept from seeing each other whenever we want. We'll get to sleep in each others arms and wake up in each others arms too. I will get the attention from Albert that I crave. There will be no controlling parents or siblings to stop us. We'll be free to be together as we like. School will be easier for me because Albert encourages me a lot when it comes to school. He won't be holding me back from what I am going to do. He will be the reason that I continue to strive to achieve my goal of being a Music Educator with an emphasis in vocal. Our apartment will also probably be clean. We will motivate each other to do whatever we can to help each other. We will be able to compromise. We will get to know so much more about each other. Some parents may disapprove of us being together, but in the end there will be nothing that they can do about it because we are adults and we make our own decisions. We love each other and we know that it will last.
Now I was thinking about writing about my Tio Heno. I'm worried about him. He cut his hand and arm early in the week to where he had to get stitches and yesterday he went into shock while the family was together. It was just noon and his eyes rolled back in his head and we were calling the ambulance. Listening to my dad, he was saying that my tio had gone cold. My dad started rubbing my Tio Heno's arms and my Tio Oscar started rubbing Tio Heno's heart. That's when they said that someone needed to go to the front of the house to flag down the ambulance when they came. The ambulance had horrible response time. It took them like 5 minutes to get to the house. By the time they got there Tio Heno was already conscience. The paramedics gave him 2 options: either go to the hospital and be on IV for 6 or 7 hours or he needed to relax with his feet elevated and drink plenty of fluids throughout the day and to eat. He didn't want to go back to the hospital because earlier in the week he did not have a good experience when he went to go get stitches a few days before. My Tio Heno is stubborn just like me and my dad so he didn't want to relax very much. He wanted to be helping with the cooler. He also wanted to drink beer with my dad and Tio Oscar. We had to try to keep checking on him to make sure that he wouldn't keep trying to get up. He eventually gave up on trying to get up so we didn't have to worry as much. In the evening my dad asked my Tio Heno to stay the night so he could relax some some more, but as soon as my dad had left to return some stuff to Home Depot, my Tio Heno had Ali fill his truck tire with air and then he took off without saying bye to anyone. He was just in hurry to leave to get home. I hope he is doing better today. I was thinking about calling him but I never got around to it. If I prayed regularly I'd be praying for him every night. I love him so much ♥
Wednesday, March 2, 2011, 02:06 p.m.
So I haven't written in a while and today is just such a beautiful day that I must share my joy with the entire world =D although not many people actual read my blog as far as I know. This is going to be a short entry because I have to get to my voice lesson with Jenny Beauregard at 2:30p.m. I don't want to go to my lesson because I would much rather go outside and enjoy the wonderful warm sun in the gentle warm breeze. I would really love to enjoy this weather with my boyfriend, Adalberto Morales ^-^ I love him so much and I love this weather so much. It would be a perfect combination. Well I should go now. <3