Tuesday, July 13, 2010, 09:13 p.m.
Ok so I have a lot to get off of my chest right now. I had to wait for Chloe to go to sleep before I could write this or else she would be bothering me the whole time and I pretty much know I'm gonna cry so she would have been asking why I was crying.
This first part is pretty much just gonna be a rant about my voice teacher and Chloe and a lot of things that are related to them. First of all Chloe has almost no discipline! That child needs to be disciplined more than she actually gets disciplined! I would discipline her but I was not given any real authority over her. I can't put her in time out or do any other punishment that I would like to do to her. All I have the authority to do is put her to bed. It sucks! When I was here a few months ago she had started painting on the table instead of on her drawing and all that happened is she got yelled at but then all Stevie said is "it's ok. But now you can't use this alone like a big girl anymore." If that were my child there would be major time outs! But no, Stevie has to go and not be authoritative. Seeing the way she brings up Chloe makes me understand why Chloe's mom (Stevie's daughter) is actually the way she is. If she was disciplined as little as Chloe is then no wonder she's a crazy drug addict that can't take care of her children and is a pathological liar! There should have been more discipline somewhere but I guess not. And now Stevie is just going to screw up Chloe just as she did Heidi. Chloe already has a horrible attitude! Lori told me how Chloe had told her "if I don't get my way I'm going to go stand in the middle of the street and wait for a car." That is not right! Chloe is also listening to things like Lady Gaga and Justine Beber. For her age (4), that is not appropriate what so ever! She should be listening to little kid music such as "row row row your boat" or "twinkle twinkle little star" because that is better for her. Lori has told Stevie that but apparently it doesn't process. Stevie is just so disorganized and doesn't really have control. And she says that she knows that but I don't really think she does. Because if she really knew then she would do something about it but she doesn't. It's ridiculous! Stevie just needs to change some things but no one is going to tell her this; I know I'm not because I don't want any of the drama that revolves around this household. When other people here tell me about some of the drama that happens here I just keep to myself. I don't tell people what I think because I just don't want to be involved like I said before. I'd rather just get away from this house and only come here for my lessons but sadly I work for Stevie. I need another job so I can just quit this one because I don't think it's worth it anymore. That's all for this argument that I have to say now.
Now I have other things that have been on my mind... Tomorrow it will be two years since Kevin broke up with me, so that'll be two years that I have been single. I don't know why it bothers me so much right now.. But it's been almost all I could think about today. Kevin was actually a pretty good guy despite the fact that he cheated on me. Those two weeks of a relationship with him felt more real than the three months of a relationship that I had with Xavi and I know why. It's because Kevin and I would actually talk. And we'd talk about anything. With Xavi we would hardly talk about anything. When we were on the phone it would just be an "I miss you" "I miss you too" kind of thing and when we were in the same room it was just making out. It wasn't really real. With Kevin it was definately different. He and I learned what circumsition (however you spell it) was together over the phone. After learning that he just asked me about things that happen to a girl and their periods. We talked about it so casually like nothing. We were able to talk about anything. He was so nice too. I wish that I would have waited and talked to him more before we agreed to go out. Because then maybe I wouldn't have had to go through the pain of being cheated on. And maybe he still would have gone out with that other girl, but if it didn't work out with him and her then maybe I could have been there. Maybe he and I could have worked out if we would have only waited. I haven't talked to him in like a year and a half and I feel horrible about that because we probably could have been really good friends if nothing else..
After getting a taste of what a true relationship could be like it's hard to find someone. And it's also hard to find someone when you're as shy as me. And socially awkward. I hardly meet anyone new on my own. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm going to end up alone. I don't want that. The good guys that I meet are usually taken or don't see me as more than a friend. Like Snowman. He will probably never see me as more than a friend. I've had so many crushes on him that it's a bit ridiculous. I can see that he is in a lot of ways like my dad and I know that is probably why I always go back to liking him. And another example is Duarte. He's probably the one that got away. He's the one that I will always have feelings for. But I cannot let those feelings show because he has a girlfriend and it's the same on again off again girlfriend that he had all through high school. He got her middle name tattooed on his back so I'm pretty sure they're gonna be together forever.. She was his first, I can't blame him. Even if he were to still like me, he probably loves her and he shouldn't leave the one he loves for the one he likes. So I have to let him go. I have to move on. He'll always be there for me as a friend and I know that. I just have to remember, as a friend. And the most recent guy that I thought I was starting to like, I found out that he has a girlfriend, who is pregnant with his twins. So there was no way I could or should even go for it. But I still want to be this guy's friend because he is pretty awesome. When we were talking before I found out he had a girlfriend it felt like he was hitting on me. But even if he was it's just not right. I can't do that because I know what it feels like to be cheated on but with this situation it would be a hell of a lot worst. I know that to find the right one I just have to stop looking. But I feel like I have to look for at least some people to date because I have to go through assholes to get to my prince charming. The assholes will only make my prince charming that much better. But sometimes I feel like in this day and age I will never find a guy who wants to settle down. I feel like when I will start to feel right with a guy that he's just gonna leave because he wants something new. Sometimes I feel like I just want children so I can have someone to truly love and someone that I will love forever. But that's not what I grew up learning. I can't disappoint my parents. I just can't. I just feel so lonely especially knowing that I will have been single for two years tomorrow. I've just been thinking about how many stupid idiots I've kissed or tried to hook up with in these past two years and it's just not right. Why do I have to be so stupid and naive sometimes! Why do I sometimes have to rush into things with some guys.
Maybe being with a girl would do me some real good right now. And now is probably the only opportunity I will have to be with the girl I really like. She is not hooking up with the guy that she was before and so that means she's free. I know she likes another girl but that girl is taken and she understands me. She knows that I don't really want anything really serious with a girl because I know I'm going to end with a guy because I want kids and a family and she is the same way. She is the girl that I will always have feelings for so maybe I should act on these feelings before she becomes another one that gets away. Maybe it really is the perfect time and maybe being with her will let me be at ease and I won't be looking for a guy because I will have the girl that I truly want to be with.. I think I will do something rather than just writing it here now. I don't have anything else to say for now.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010, 08:42 p.m.
This is the first entry of the summer. I've been wanting to write an entry for a while but I never got around to it. I'm pretty much only writing right now to not have to go and read. Haha. I can't exactly remember what I want to write now that I'm actually writing. Well I'll start by saying I dislike reading but I have had to do alot of it for my summer class. It'll all be good once I'm done because I won't have to worry about taking english anymore. It's kind of funny how someone who has known only english for all her life doesn't do well in english class. I do way better in spanish classes. I wish I actually spoke spanish well so I wouldn't feel like such a retard in a hispanic community. Today there were three people that talked to me in spanish and I understood most of what they said but I felt dumb not answering them in spanish. It was so embarassing to me even though they didn't notice. I just need to isolate myself from english speakers and surround myself with spanish speakers. That would be the best thing to do but I have no idea when I would be able to do that. Oh well. It either will or will not happen but we'll have to wait and see.
Oh I now remember something that I wanted to write about. I wanted to write about feelings that come back. They suck like big time. In one night I had feelings come back for two people. It was the hardest night I probably had to live through. I got to kiss one of those people again. I love their kisses like so much so it killed me to kiss her when I knew that we could never be. She has been talking to a guy for a couple months now and I know he's gonna ask her out soon. It was just another one night thing. Probably the only reason we kissed is because we had been drinking. It probably wouldn't have happened if we had been sober. The other person that the feelings started coming back for was drunk off his ass. At one point he was dancing really close to me. I was grinding on him like big time but that was because we were in a train dancing together so we were kinda forced to be close. He ended up squeezing my ass. When me and Alma were leaving he was one of the guys that walked us out. Before I got in my car he kept spanking me and I told him to stop hitting me and he said he wasn't hitting me, he was spanking me. He looked like he was about to kiss me but I backed away and shoved him because he has a girlfriend and I don't kiss more than one person in a night. After we left he texted me asking for sexy pics and for a second I considered it but I didn't because that would not be right and I would not let my feelings get to me like that. He was drunk. The feelings he was feeling were old ones that he doesn't really feel anymore so I'm so glad I didn't let them get to me. It worked out good that I didn't let my feelings completely get to me or else I would be heartbroken big time right now.
Ok now onto another matter. I met a guy at the neighborhood Walmart on 22nd and Craycroft =) He was cute. He was in his car when Chen and I got there and when we were leaving he was still there. I thought he was fine!!! XD Haha. Because I thought that Chen said he would get his number for me and he did =) He had asked him if he had a gf and he said not anymore. Then Chen asked if he wanted one and he said not really so we were just gonna leave but then he said maybe so I got his number =) His name is Anthony and he goes to the U of A. So even if nothing romantic happens with him I could always use some new friends =) So it's all good.
Now the last thing I'll say for now is that when I go to work out in the mornings it's a bit of torture. Haha. There's one guy who I have liked for a long time but I know it's never gonna happen because he'll never see me that way. He will alwasy be a friend but DAMN!!!! He has such a sexy body and it shows so much when he works out that it's like mmmmmm! But yea that sexy body will never be mine. The other guy in the weight room is a guy that I never used to find attractive but now he got so HOTT!! I have no idea how he did it but he did it. Haha. But that's all for now. Much love! ♥