JOURNAL;
JULY 23, 2002;
I just got off work. I was let off early. I can't really do that too much any more, because I can't really afford to. But, I figured, I've worked hard these past few weeks, what's the harm in treating myself once in a while?
Yesterday, I went to Winn-Dixie with Brandy. She needed to go grocery shopping badly. She figured for once they (her and her roommate - and my friend, also - Noah) were going top have a stocked kitchen. That way, she wouldn't have to spend half/most of her paycheck on groceries whenever she got it (and the same for Noah). So the next time they go grocery shopping, they'd just get what they needed.
Anyhow, that cart was full to the TOP. I have never seen such a thing in my entire life! It was astounding, let me tell you. Brandy was like, "I hope I have enough!" We couldn't even fit it all on the check out counter. We filled the check out counter up three times. And it took two carts to get everything out to my cart. Brandy and I were laughing our asses off.
Anyhow...
Yesterday, at like, 9 am, Chris came back. And he had two girls with him (I know he's just friends with them, because he knows he better not bring that other girl that he likes over to MY apartment). One was looking through a photo album, and when I came into the room, she closed it and was like, "Nice photo album." If I hadn't practically just woke up, I would have said something, but I wasn't up to it.
Ernest never came. I called Pizza Hut and he wasn't there, which is unusual for him. So either he's sick, his [other] car was broken down (I know he was having problems with it), or maybe he just didn't want to go. (Which I find rude.) I'll ask him tomorrow if he's at work.
I am disappointed, because I got all ready and he never came. Chris came later that night, and when he saw me, he looked pleasantly surprised.
I don't think that girl he likes is ever going to go out with him. He was really upset about something last night, and I think that's it. (He hasn't said anything about it, though. He wouldn't either, when I asked him about it. Perhaps I'll try again tonight.)
I don't know. If things don't work out between Ernest and I, perhaps I'll give Chris another shot (if he's willing to give me one). I'm not gonna beg or anything, but I think I can/could go out with him now that he knows he's my second choice. We'll have to see, won't we?
My mom and stepdad Tom are thinking about moving from Wisconsin to down here. I hope they do. I have been picking up those houses for sale magazines and highlighting nice places within their price range for them. It would be really cool to have my mom and stepdad down here with me.]
That's about all for me.
;sable
JULY 19, 2002;
I haven't seen Chris since he left on Monday. Oh well. I was really upset for a few days. Like, really down and really sad. For a little while I was really hoping that he'd come to me and want to be with me, and blah blah blah. Then, after that, I started getting really angry about it. Like, even if he DID want to be with me, why should I settle for being his second choice? It's like he's desperate, so he might as well go with me. Uh-uh.
I went and asked my good friend Brandy about all this, and she was like, "I would tell him to go straight to hell!" (I later told my mom, and she agreed with Brandy.) And I know that Brandy and my mom are right. I mean, I guess I still want to be friends with him, but I don't want to be in a relationship with him any more. Cause Brandy is right, I don't want to be his second choice, and she's also right that if we ended up in a relationship, things would already be off on a bad foot, because in the back of my mind I'd always know I was second choice. (And then I'd think about how I wasn't good enough to be his first choice.) So, the total infatuation with Chris that I had died.
In fact...
I used to sit and be really excited for him to come home and shit. If he didn't come, I'd be pissed, but when he DID come (the next night or whatever), I'd be really happy, and all the madness would be gone. And...it's not like that any more. I mean, I don't care that he hasn't come over at all since Sunday night. It's all just...melted away. But like I said, I still want to be his friend.
And with this comes some really good news...
I have a date tonight! I'm going out with Ernest. We work together at Pizza Hut. (He's a cook.) He's really cute, really nice, and I'm really excited. He's been asking me to go out for some time, but I wouldn't, because of Chris. But then, I thought, after all this, why waste my time waiting? So, on Wednesday (the day I had my epiphany), I asked him if he wanted to go out, and he said, "Sure, just tell me when." So, we figured Friday (today). It's a late date. He has to work tonight, and he's going to come around 11 pm, I think. He has to go back home and shower and get ready (and he lives in the Sherwood Forest-area - which is across town, he actually gets on the interstate to get to work), and then he'll come pick me up. I can't wait!
I went into the office of my apartment complex today. (My friends Brandy, Christy, and Gretchen work there.) I needed some help getting ready for the date. Brandy wasn't there today, because she hasn't been feeling well lately, so she took a day off. Christy and Gretchen helped me pick out a top to wear, and Gretchen lent me one of her skirts to go with the top.
I'm so excited! I can't wait.
;sable
JULY 15, 2002;
Things have been so messed up. I had an old journal (here if anyone cares), but that went to shit. So, I started another one. I don't care about fancy layouts or anything like that. I have to rely on the LSU library computers for internet access, so I don't have much time to make anything extraordinary.
Anyhow, as to why things are so messed up...
I have this friend, Chris, and he has been staying with me, right. It's more than friends, but not like a relationship. "Friends with advantages" - if you know what I mean. I want more, but he doesn't know what he wants.
He came over last night, after being gone for an entire week. (I was quite worried.) And he was all, "I didn't know I was going to be gone for a week" and blah blah blah. Well, anyhow, we ended up fucking.
Afterwards, he was like, "What's going on with us?" And I'm like, "Elaborate?" Because I have an idea what he means, but I don't want to assume. He wants to know where I think we stand, and I tell him we're "friends with advantages". And he's all, "Ok, cause I don't want you to think that we're boyfriend and girlfriend". And then he goes on to tell me that he really likes some other girl and that he really cares about her, and blah blah blah. And I start crying, and he wants me to stop. (And I knew my crying hurt him, and I am glad it did.) We go on talking, and I'm basically pleading my case as to why I would be a) better to/for him and b) that he should give me a shot. And he's all trying to tell me that we couldn't be more than friends because we have "nothing in common". (Then why are we friends in the first place? We obviously have something in common. Too bad I didn't think of that last night. Dammit.) And I cry some more. And he feels bad some more. (And I'm glad.) And then he admits that he cares for me, and that I "have a shot". (I feel like asking that question John Cusack's character, Rob, askes, "What's my percentage?" But thankfully, I don't.) But then he states that he is going to "keep trying for this other girl, because she said he has a shot". Then he wants to know that, if she rejects him and he knows he really doesn't have a chance, would I take him in? And I said maybe, maybe not, that I wasn't going to give him anything definite. Then we screwed some more. Then we went to sleep.
Why can't I ever be the lucky one? Why can't I ever get the guy I want? What's so wrong with me?
And today, as he was leaving to go with his friend, I asked, "Are you coming home tonight or next week?" (Kinda serious, kinda joking.) And he's like, "I might be home next week - I'm kidding. You have my number." Then I tell him I don't. (I have to remind him that I threw it away.) And then he tells it to me, but I don't have anything to write it down on. And he repeats it again, but the pen doesn't fucking work, so I ask him to tell me again. And he pretty much blurts it out as he's walking out the door, like he can't have the fucking decency to tell me it without rushing. Then I get mad and slam some things around and then I go cry some more.
I'm really fucking mad at him right now.
;sable
ME;
sable is: 19 / female; sable lives: baton rouge, louisiana; sable likes: john cusack / joan cusack / catherine zeta-jones / tim robbins / geena davis / susan sarandon / etc.; sable watches: [tv] in the heat of the night / law & order / local news / cheesy dating shows; sable watches: [movies] high fidelity / grosse pointe blank / the sure thing / true colors / basically anything john cusack (except tapeheads) / thelma & louise / the shawshank redemption / dolores claiborne / rock 'n' roll high school / harold & maude / etc.; sable reads: downsize this! by michael moore / high fidelity by nick hornby / trainspotting by irvine welsh / dolores claiborne by stephen king / somebody to love? a rock and roll memoir by grace slick; sable eats: jambalaya / gumbo / beef strogenoff / macaroni and cheese / special k cereal / etc.; sable listens: the stooges / mc5 / ludacris / nelly / jefferson airplane / iggy pop / bruce springsteen / elvis presley / john mellencamp / missy elliott / elvis costello / lunachicks / hate dept. / j.lo / the clash / velvet underground / rem / violent femmes / dmx / david bowie / concrete blonde / fleetwood mac / patti smith group / jimi hendrix / the who / tom petty / bad religion / the beatles / etc.
LINKS;
CONTACT;
highfidelity@neworleans.com