desperately trying to think...
is it time yet?
july 1st, it's 12:03 am already
sound: Say Anything -X
how to start this... i was so angry today. had a horrible weekend and tomorrow i'm off for a horrible "vacation". well well...
but i'm tired now so the anger's gone. actually... i was talking with Tchisa today, (thank you for listening to me ramble and complain, Tchis') and... *weak laugh* see? i still can't approach a subject. ah, at least X is soothing.
so, maybe let's start directly?
i want out of my family.
there, i said it. supposedly, there's a bond between parent 'n child. supposedly, parent/child love is a granted thing.
well... no. it's been very gradual but lately... it's clear: i don't feel close to my parents at all. i don't want to spend time with them, i don't want them to be there to help me solve heart/ mind problems. hmpf. *so lonely... need soul mate...*
why am i even bringing this up now? ahhh... cuz i'm pissed about being forced to go on a family vacation with a family i could do without. about having to get out of the car with a plastic sunny face on "hiiiiii, i missed you!". well, you get the picture.
yeah, now i'm very certain of one thing i want: to move out on my own (or with Gabe, as we planned). after uni, i couldn't study and work at the same time, i know myself. *sigh* yesterday i was listening to my mom talk to me and it hit me: i can't even talk comfortably to/with her. i feel forced to look for conversation subjects... T_T i don't have anything to tell her.
arghh, why am i even talking about this now? *am the girl who treats parents as money bags* no, no, it's not like that, i do have some feelings for them. just... not enough to want to stay in this house. funny thing, how on the surface my family gets along and how empty it feels in reality. nevermind all the horseplay you'd see if you came to my house.
i just don't feel anything anymore. i think i even lost the ability to express my feelings. T_T
ARGH ARGH ARGH, i'm rambling again.
onee-chan!!! *hugs* thanks for the advice, it made me feel better. you take care of yourself, 'k? and i'm glad you like the wallpaper
Tchisa, *siiiigh* i don't know if you'll even read this... but, thanks again for listening to me today, i'm afraid it was a very one sided, one topic conversation. sorry and thanks. and... i'm sorry for never writing what i say i will... i feel terrible, i can never keep my word. really, really sorry.
Hori-chan ^_^ have fun in Greece! and come back with as many random hide-chan stories as you can ^_____^
Lochan *hugs*, and i'll write when i get back so that we can FINALLY arrange something and see each other. for pete's sake (O.o; where did that come from?), it's been over 2 months!
i should go... with DeG for all angry moments, X to soothe and give strength and hide-chan to convince me that things will go ok.
right now... i just want that apartment. i. want. to. move. out. and stop fighting with my family, being constantly angry, constantly avoiding them. stop the stupid conversations 'n fights. *sigh*
well, isn't this a nice soap opera??? and i hate soaps... *sticks tongue out*
somehow, somewhow, Kids, i'll make it work, with my trusty sidekick Baileys at my side. and for now, i'll enjoy my last 2 years of free living.
mata~, see you all in about 2 weeks ^_^
PS: i saw The Lost Boys: O.O ouwaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! like X!!!!!!!!!!! X spirit!!!!!!! SUGOI EIGA WA YO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mentally absolutely drained
*head in hands and sigh*
june 27th
sound: Say Anything -dearest X....
oh god, i need to relax... X seems to be helping right now... Say Anything is... soothing. i had a hell-day T_T didn't even get to do any of the things i wanted to since i spent the WHOLE day trying to come up with a decent schedule for next year.
well, i did. or, i think i did. i'm sure that there will be something to screw me up popping up on the way.
*collapses* such a day of frustration, cursing, near tears too. they don't have the classes i need, hell, they're not giving HALF the courses that should be there and i'm stuck... hopefully i managed ok...
*sigh* i don't wanna think about it anymore, i have absolutely no mental strength left. i'll talk about it later. can't now, must go un-Drain my brain.
oh boy... X word play... 'm gone @_@
