260902 | 12:27 a.m. |

I'm sitting alone at the corner of the network lab again. As usual. I just can't wait for the project to be over and done with. With the demo and everything!! I'm lonely, but I don't like being lonely. Maybe I just purposely part myself away from others. Perhaps consiously or subconsiously. *Shrugs* I need to improve my communication with other people. I'm just not used to expressing my feelings to other people. Just keeping everything to myself. Sometimes making others feel that I'm arrogant, a loner. I don't know how to change that... But I do hope I can change. Gah... I still have to finish my NPRG project with Geok after this Final Year Project. >_< Still can't really rest at all.

Which Saiyuki boy are you?
Take the Saiyuki Quiz at anime-doll.com

I can't decide between the top one and the bottom one. They're both quite similar to who I am. (Ok... and not quite similar to also) So I am Hakkai + Koukaiji - a few qualities.

Which Saiyuki boy are you?
Take the Saiyuki Quiz at anime-doll.com

240902 | 11:20p.m. |

[RHAPSODY - Queen of the Dark Horizons]

I hate this, I really hate this. I'm feeling empty inside out. I don't find joy and satisfaction in anything I do now. I'm just plainly doing it because I have to. Even surfing the net, talking on IRC doesn't make me feel that I'm in this world. Am I really living?? I feel like a lifeless doll walking around. I realised that today, I just sit down, walk, do whatever else there is for me to do, but I feel like my soul isn't there at all.

There are people I want to be with, but I will not be able to because of several reasons. I have yet to find a place where my soul can rest, where my heart longs to be in, with people who understand me, will accept me for who and what I am, where I can be myself.

I'm ohsolookingforwardto the end of all my projects, to the end of the exams. Now... how am I going to get my holidays going?? xD

230902 | 03:05 p.m. |

Saw another cool looking doujinshi on eBay by Yubinbasya. Hee hee. Aramis might want to bid for it. *shrugs* Waiting for her confirmation since it's ending soon.

Ok... I'm cooling down after all that had happened on Thursday. Won't want to repeat it here... but those who knew what happened will understand what I am referring to. Cooling down, but there are still those feelings lingering around inside that I don't think will be gone till probably the end of everything.

*Sigh...* I feel like going home. They said they will be leaving at 3pm although I doubt it. As usual, they will drag everything till pretty late. Lazy to go for night class today... But even if I say so, I'll still go for it. I don't want to waste my money on the course and I want to learn more. Haha, I just feel tired to work my brains till late at night.

Time passes real fast. 2 more weeks and I'm free from this dreadful project. The project is to be handed in this Friday while the presentation is on next week. 2 more weeks to drag on and after that I will have only 1 week to do my NPRG Project. With that, 1 study week and exams will commence. Lolz. Fortunately, there's only 1 paper this semester. It'll be on the 25th October. =D It's been a long time since I can celebrate my birthday. Haha. Wonder how I should celebrate it.

I'm looking forward to visiting Malaysia with Aramis and co. (whoever that's going to go as well). Haha... I'm looking forward to too many things. Especially you know what in the country you know which. =X Now... doesn't it sound familiar? xD Hee hee...

I think I might go home and do mask. Getting lots of pimples on my face. Haven't done masking for a long time. Lolz.

180902 | 11:48 a.m. |

[GACKT - Emu~For my Dear~]

None of my group members are in the lab now. And I thought they were coming as usual in the morning again. Gah... Doesn't really matter to me anyway. I can still do my research myself as I don't really need to use the FTP server. Don't really want to bother too much with what they think of me and do. I just want to get this project done and over with, go through the ITP, graduate and fly off to Australia. Let's just say, I have no interests in any other things now. And Yeah, you can say I AM OBSESSED with the Australia idea. Lolz... Aramis and Kero think so too.

.

Going down to the Main House today with Kero. Got to register for the JLPT4 exam. In the meanwhile after that, we're going to discuss how our plans for further studies are going to move on. We have lots of ambitions, yet there are lots of barriers in front of us and the 2 of the troublesome problems for me are MY PARENTS & MONEY. Well, basically, I don't have too much of a problem with money, but then again, I have to consider an extra year of Fees to pay instead of the usual 3 years as this is due to the fact that my colledge course is split up into 2 parts although it finishes within a year and 3 months. And my biggest barrier is still the acknowledgement from my parents. Although my dad said that I can go for it, seriously, I haven't exactly told him the money yet since he DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT!! Next, is my mother. Needless to say, she's the one who controls how my life goes. If she says 'left', I go 'left', if she says 'right', I go 'right'. So now, I have to work on convincing my mum on the course.

Complained alot to Aramis yesterday about my group leader. Well, not that he did anything wrong to me... but more like towards Geok's group. I don't know if he did it on purpose, or not, but it wasn't such a pleasant thing to say. There were other issues as well. Who knows when my back will be stabbed? It's kind of scary. Told Aramis that if possible I will just zoom off to Australia and not see their faces and hear their voices again. Well, she said that the locals in Australia are pretty much racist against asians, but...

I'd rather be stabbed by a stranger than stabbed by a someone I consider as a friend.

.

I really look forward to starting a new life over again there. This time I won't get too close to any new friends over there. Especially a certain group or type of people. Lolz. It's better to have a few trustworthy friends than a lot of hypocritic/unloyal friends. Yeah, you don't have to tell me, but I am gullible xD and tend to trust people easily right on the spot. LOlz... and I have to wander off for a while, clear my head and think about what happened and THEN! Know what's happening. So, I am a slow-witted person most of the time. Unless you are so unlucky to catch me when my head is the clearest and my wits are about me.

Maybe I should introduce pitas to Aramis so that she can at least get rid of her boredom for a while. Well, that's exactly what I do sometimes. Typing on my pitas when I'm bored. Like now for example.

.

I had a weird dream today. I was dreaming that I went to Australia. Yadda yadda... and you know what the rest are. Studying there etc... 4 girls in an apartment. I can't remember who the girl was. I only remembered Aramis and Kero was there with me. I remembered a bunch of guys making fun of me. Gah... I can't even remember their faces. Lolz. Funny thing is, my brother's there! *Shrugs* Don't ask me why. Can't remember exactly what happened... But then again, it just gave me this weird feeling.

Now you know... I AM OBSESSED WITH THIS WHOLE IDEA ALREADY.

160902 | 11:39 p.m. |

[L'ARC~EN~CIEL - Shinshoku~Lose Control~]

After going for Waseda Shibuya Senior High School's school festival, I got addicted to this song again. It's been some time since I last heard this song. The festival was fantastic! Quite a number of bishounen to drool at and the band performance was great! We played several games, went to a maze and a haunted house. Lolz. Had great fun there! Can't wait to go for next year's festival. =D

Gah... I think there's something wrong with me... I'm feeling sick at one moment and then alright after that. It's been like that continuously. And I feel all weak over. Guess I will sleep early today.

Went to the Australia Education Fair on Saturday with SiQi. It wasn't exactly what we expected, but we managed to get our questions answered. I'm thinking of starting from scratch. Through the diploma course in Monash Colledge, which will be offered next year. Expected around the March Intake. Can't wait to go for it. ^_- I hope I can...

Chances for me to go directly for the Bachelor course are too slim. Firstly, I have no related experience in the field. Secondly, my current diploma is totally not related to it. I can only gamble on the folio which I think I will definitely not make it. Starting from scratch will be good. At least I can still brush up on my art and not lose out to the others. (Haven't touch it for ages. All I draw now is manga characters and not often at all!) So I'll just study an extra 3 months to go through the basics and jump straight to the 2nd year in Uni after completing it. That's my current plan. If all fails, I might just have to take up Bachelor of Multimedia instead. Well, I have a few backup plans. ^_^;

.

I lose control...

I feel like giving up all that I am doing now and just go for the course when it starts next march. I know I'm mad. And most probably my mum will hammer me if I do that. That's my obsession. And don't poke my madness with it. (I've gotten poked enough for that ;P)

.

I'm losing control of my mind...

I'm having lots of weird thoughts. It keeps me fascinated... Yet, I fear it. DEATH. Period. I want to see it in front of my eyes. The madness burning in my eyes as I gloat at it. Another facet of me appearing within. The cold, cruel side overcoming the weak, kind side. Yet I fear it so much. Not being to accomplish my ambitions. Oh yes! I AM an ambitions person once I get my mind on it. And I might do anything for it... Ain't I scary? Yeah... Fear me.

Gosh... I'm going nuts!!

"Your power to create romance is not very strong. But you have an unique charisma which is irresistable. Although you are very lovable, you build an invisible wall around you. If you can lower your defenses, you will have a better chance of starting a new romance

You don't have to tell me this, really. I know that I DO have an invisible wall around me. Yeah, and who has enough power and strength to tear it down. Heh. Try it.

I'm challenging you.

120902 | 06:27 p.m. |

[ANDY LAU - Wang Qing Shui]

Feeling real sick. Had only a can of green tea and chocolate for lunch. ^_^ Haha! I want to try out Himiko's dieting method. Walk to and fro from the MRT Station and skipping lunch. Occassionally eating chocolate as a supplement. Hee hee. Must persevere! Want to lose some kilograms. xD Hope I don't eat too much later during dinner. I'm aiming to get a weight of 43kg before graduating from polytechnic. xD

Hmm... I've got to do a resume tonight. Get my photo scanned for it too. Gah... I don't feel like doing it. ~_~ Can't wait for the Australia Education Fair this Saturday. Wonder what I will learn over there. xD Oh yeah, and Lilaciel's BBQ after that. Finally, I am going to show my face to the people of #SGBB.

Killvern's site has moved here.

090902 | 03:44 p.m. |

[Listening to horrible noises @ the background]

September 8th, 2002

There was a Comic Convention yesterday. Went together with Huizi and Yizhen. Kaka... bought alot of stuffs by Kaori Yuki. Got the Earl Cain's 3 clear postcards, schedule book, shitajiki and an Angel Sanctuary postcard. Spent a total of $24 on all those and then went together with Huizi to the Comics Connection nearby @ Katong Shopping Center. Kaka!! I managed to buy Earl Cain book 8!! Bwah hahaha!! Was looking forward to reading it. After that, we went to Bugis to look at some of the artbooks at Kinokuniya and then we headed down to KKnM.

Was talking to Evirruka and Lilaciel over our interests in Earl Cain (that's with Lilaciel) and doujinshi (with Evirruka) over the net later that night. ^_^ It seems that I share the same interests in many things with the 2 of them and Yizhen. ^_^ Haven't really gotten to talk much with Yizhen other than the type of guys we like in our manga/anime. Especially Get Backers, Earl Cain etc. Haha! Trying to broaden my anime/manga circle. It's cool to have people who have the same interest with you.

September 9th, 2002

Had a very long talk with SiQi just now during lunch break. Talked to her about lots of things. Mainly on my aims in going to Australia to further my studies. Also showed her the IDP Education Fair this coming Saturday/Sunday. She hasn't really made up her mind on a course to take in Australia. Basically she said that she doesn't want to spend too many years in Australia but she's a little reluctant to continue in the IT field. So... she's quite confused with what she actually want now. Lent her my Monash Undergraduate handbook. Hopefully she can read up and find a course she is interested in.

Feel kind of relieved now... after sharing my troubles with someone I trust. Telling her my confused and angst feelings about many things. About my project-related stuffs, about my university dreams, my family problems etc. I'm very worried about my Grandmother who entered SGH last week. VERY WORRIED FOR HER. I really hope that she'll be able to see me graduate from university in about 4 years or so later. Really want her to be able to witness my graduation then. She's such a cheerful old lady with a kind heart. I really can't bear for her to go so soon. Somehow, it keeps getting into my mind of her in the hospital bed, although I don't really show it on my face that I am THAT worried.

Really very tired with everything. I just feel like stopping my diploma, go Australia and start a new life altogether again. But before I go, I hope the diploma course in Arts and Design in Monash Colledge is registered by the Australian Government.

SiQi told me that I'm a little obsessed over the idea of going to Australia to study the design course. In fact, more than a little obsessed. It's like a fire in my soul now, and my current diploma is like a drag to me now. I really hate doing my FYP now... *sigh* I'm just doing it so that I can finish my diploma on the scheduled time and then my plans to studying in Australia will move on smoothly. Ok, I'm crazy over the idea of going there to study design course. VERY CRAZY. Next problem is that I'm confused with doing Bachelor of Design (Multimedia) or Bachelor of Design (Visual Communication). I'm interested in both, perhaps Multimedia stands a higher percentage of that interest, but Visual Communication is easier to get a job. I have been wondering if I have enough creativity and ideas to be in Visual Communication. I asked SiQi for any advice and she told me that Visual Communication will have a higher opportunity in getting jobs generally, but I have to consider whether I have the ability to do it for life. Ah... I think I'd better concentrate in finishing my projects first.

Ah... Back to doing ASP. Bleah!!

060902 | 01:30 p.m. |

[Listening to background noises in the lab]

Saw a pitas website - Nymph of the evening forest. Quite a lot of character quizes to do and then head back to doing my proggy.

What member of Schwarz are you?

The mind-reading, short temper, red haired, German beauty! You are Schuldig, Mr. Popularity Extraordinare! You have so much potential to be a charming, witty, and alluring person!! However you delight in screwing other people over!!! This is all because it's all with in your power. You can read minds, make people do things they don't want to do. Telephathy and mind control is your stregnth and downfall..besides your impulsiveness and short-temper. You have a car, in which to drive farfarello around, and have the most annoying seiyuu alive! Your weiß counter is Youji, and unlike HIM..you are fashionable to some degree... all of this making YOU, probably the most drooled over Schwarz member. Which you deserve to be, because Farfie and Nagi are annoying as hell.

Now... Is his name spelt like that? *Shrugs* I'm so darn sleepy... Thank goodness I've finished my Jap homework. ^_^ Hope there's no spelling today, think I'll fail miserably. Wah hahahaha!!

You're Aya.

Which member of Weiß are *you*? Take the quiz!

Despite having the personality of a downright cold-hearted asshole, you still seem to have a large collection of fan-girls. Everyone seems to love you, and worship the ground your stiff feet walk on. You never let grudges go, you're not a very good friend, and frankly you wouldn't mind if you became deaf (all the more better to ignore the world around you!). So many people find you dead-sexy it doesn't matter how you act. I guess beauty really is only skin deep!

Gah... I don't think I'm sexy for god's sake!! Haha. I'm so bored... There's simply nothing else to do other than my proggy. Urgh... have to meet the CISCO people for examination on our wireless project. Well, they just want us to present what we have done so far and then determine whether we are qualified for the Wireless Competition. ^^; Ah well... I don't really care. Most likely, we'll get in.

Asked Kero whether she wants to go for the Australia Education Seminar on the 14th or 15th this month. It's kind of troublesome as we need to bring whatever certs or result slips there. Well, seriously, I have no idea what's going to happen there. It stated that it's for those who intend to go to Australia for further studies next March or next July. I'm not under this specification, but I'll still like to see what's going on there. It's a kind of experience and a chance to ask questions and grab some brochures and university booklets!! Bwah hahahaha...

I'm hungry...

050902 | 07:48 p.m. |

[Currently not listening to anything]

Brr... This lab is so darn cold. ~_~ Today's not too bad, at least I'm able to smile and talk to the guys. The real me whom I hide behind a plastic mask - I can't stand such a person like that. Even if it's myself. But still, I will make it stay. I'm not going to endanger my diploma for something that is what I am. So this act, I will just carry on till the end of the Final Year Project. If they know about this, I'd bet that they'll kill me.

I think I might go for JLPT 4 exams end of this year. It's probably a gamble as I'm advised not to do so by my Japanese Language School teachers. Why? Well, I'll only be able to complete 5 lessons for my Elementary 3 course. So, I'm lagging behind for 5 lessons. Hmm... But still I think I want to go for it with Kero's help. ^_^ Kero, thanks and yoroshiku.

I've been thinking... I definitely need to have other options for my further studies in Australia. I can't possibly just decide on Monash Uni. My chances are slim when it comes to the portfolio and the interview and if I can't get into Monash Colledge's Diploma of Arts and Design because of my Dad's disagreement or that the diploma is not registered by the Australian Government yet, I definitely need to plan for another way of getting into a design course.

I've been thinking, will RMIT's Animation and Interactive Media Graduate Diploma be a good choice eventhough there are 4 tests to go for. But these tests are easier as they simply require you to write some essays and do a storyboard. ^_^ Easier than showing a folio at my stage.

Ah... going off from school soon. =)

030902 | 11:31 p.m. |

[HIKARU NO GO - Sincerely]

I feel very empty. I can spend my whole day on the net, reading manga, listening to music, yet something seems to be missing from my life. I'm dreading the time when I have to start doing my projects again. To be with those guys again. To feel that lonliness again. To be someone I'm not again. The freedom to be who I am, talk as I like, do as I feel, will once again be stripped off from me. I know, I can change all that, it's only my way of thinking and my responses. But I can't change it. I'll hurt them again and again. The words I say, my actions, because I'm starting to tire being with guys. Just literally guys. That has always been a problem with me. I can't stick with a group of friends ALL the time, and when it comes to a group of guys, it's worse. I have had a week of holidays and 3 days to forget totally of my project. Now, I have only a day left.

I'm forcing myself on. Forcing myself to finish the project assignments. Forcing myself to finish the diploma course. Forcing myself to be what I'm not. Forcing myself to say uncaring words. And I'm beginning to hate what I'm studying now, what I'm doing now, what I am now. 1 year more, and I can free myself.

I'm really looking forward to starting a whole new life again, somewhere else, somewhere different. I want to study something I like, do something I can focus on with my mind and soul, be in a place where no one controls my actions and my mind. I want to free myself again. But the barriers will come again. Will I fall or will I persevere?

I discussed with my dad about my 4-year plan in Australia again. Somehow, he seems reluctant at the extra foundation year. However, I have my own worries. Monash Colledge has yet to receive affirmation from the Australian Government. (It's probably sent during August this year, since the latest update on the site was on 16 August. Quite recently) If it is approved by next mid year, chances of my plan to succeed will be high. After that, it all depends on how my dad will react to my plan. Once my dad agrees to it, this time I will stand firm on my ground and stand up against all of what my mum will have to say. I shall not draw back against her remarks and stand for what I believe. This time, I really want to do what I want and enjoy doing.

This time... I will. By all kinds of means. ALL.