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*always fearful of the mornings...* my dreams are getting weirder.. i saw u in front.. i kept going for the chase... but no matter how i close i get ur still miles ahead.. well.. at least when u looked back... i saw u looking at my face.. funny how is it that your eyes were very penetrating. and i woke up and cried. and dun worry. ur no distraction. ur more of an inspiration. i just wish we were.. nah. fuck it. anyway went out wif the guys. went to beatnik's office. but went to numbness' sch. fucking hell... hafta climb gazillion steps.. dont they noe escalators exists??.. heh. went to lepak at S-11.. den went to play pool. won all my guys.. but hafta leave early.. catch the last bus. .. i really hafta make an effort to go to skool later to study.. already didnt go todae.. coz of the dream.. didnt have the mood to open my books. i miss you. and im looking forward to seeingur pretty face later. that must be a motivational factor to keep me going the whole day.. Friday, April 27, 2001 01:18 a.m. *for you, the heart thief* its hard to release the stranglehold once u get used to it.. its still kinda hard to let go.. i mean yes.. we didnt even had physical closeness and all... but i dunnoe why issit so hard. i feel like alice in wonderland.. always lost.. wif starnge characters popping out of my head telling me stuff i shouldnt hear.. must be side effects from... nah.. fuck that. i dont wanna remind myself of the stupidness i did in times of desperation. physical marks will do. its terrifying to think of what im capable of. coz often at times im scared of my own self. im so scared of my self-destructive capabilities. i seem to have a knack at that.. aaww fuck. i dont even wanna mention it. anyway.. u still pop at my thoughts everytime i get the chance to concentrate. must be the songs im listening to whenever i study. should listen to techno while studying .. not .. INDIEROCK, as what sham wld love it to be called. ( emo is overrated. emo is gay. emo is evil). todae is raspberry's birthday. happy 21st bdae gurl. we've come a long way baby. good things do last. hafta go for checkup early fri morning at TTSH.. sucky. anyway. ill live. i noe will. i always do. but this time... i dont know what i've lost in me. Wednesday, April 25, 2001 11:44 p.m. *memories..sigh* hey cheer up orio. beatnik.. im so glad u still are getting flashbacks. as for me.. once its over.. the hate part always come along. which covers up most of my memories wif that sumone i spent special times with. this shows u that u can get back up from the old ashes. and try to look at her when u talk to her.. ( u noe who).. honestly... the feelings of talking to sumone wif out them looking up to you makes u wonder... am i that bad looking??... so pls.. dun make her feel insecure abt herself. sumone did that to me recently.. and i fucking hated every goddamn moment of it.. im lying if i said im back on track.. coz im not. i noe this trainwreck is getting old.. but im staying here for a while. i need to pick up my parts.. so i can place them nicely together again.. so i can be prepared for the next one. but do urself a favour... if u do see a thin thread... then by god.. jus grab it. it takes forever for it to come. so grab it by its head... and never let go. i noe if that happens to me,... ill fucking grab on to it.. no hurricanes can ever let go of my stranglehold. be thankfull we still wake up everyday. be thankful. Wednesday, April 25, 2001 01:07 a.m. *images flashing* i dunnoe how i ended up at this girl's website. she devoted it totally to her guy. i mean... i was so touched. didnt really believe till now that love does exist so strongly.. and abides no boundaries. i was so touched i actually shed a tear. whatever she had inside her website... was her heart stating out loud to her guy "i love you". i was .. a bit jealous at first.. to see pple goin on smoothly in their relationship.. while im here still sailing my way around.. still lost. and im still mending my ship. dunnoe if the sail is ever gonna be up. i think ill stay here for a while... dangling my feet on water. im sure the sharks wont mind. i feel like im still going on a downward spiral evere since i realised i didnt made that much of an impact on you. u deserve the best.. yes i noe that. i noe im not good enuff.. not good enuff to even lay ur eyes on me. but i realised... thats just me. forever forsaken in the land of the disenchanted. i wish i was a circle around the circle... a wheel beneath the wheel. sumtimes love just aint enough. i hope u make full use of my invisibility from now on. jus remember i placed u here inside of me. once placed.. there's no way out. ur stuck in me and im forever broken for that. Wednesday, April 25, 2001 12:43 a.m. *i guess i shld have heard if that from you..* im still alive. but i noe well enough if i wanted to do it.. well.. thats the only thing in this pathetic life of mine that i noe i wont screw up. but i wont. coz i still love my friends. everything around me now is a slowrush.. i wish it was a good one. but i cant like to anyone anymore... much less myself. im not feeling good. i shld have sticked to listening to metal. all this emotional ride have taken its toll on my insides. i wish i was a perfect bastard. at least il get my fair share of happiness... though at other pple's expenses.. anyway.. i really hope i meant it when i said ill let u go. its hard for me now.. but the more i brood over this,.. the more i noe ill fuck up everything that has been lined up for me. u were this close to being a bitch in my world. real close. but i cldnt let u be one. ur still my angel,... and my princess liya. why cant i just find the right one?.. u had the makings of the right one.. i tot. if only u gave me a chance to prove my worth. i tot it cld have been special. it will be hard for me to love anyone ever again from now on. i just hope ur happy to having ur life back to normal.. the way it has always been for u.i wish u the best from the bottom of my tears and pain. i wish u luck. numbness.. tell pul that there wont be drinking on tues.. coz im halfway thru finishing the last bottle of beast. and the next time that fella comes a meter close to u... jus shout. if im there... ill fucking rip his heart open. and i will. u noe i will. im just sorry i wasnt there to protect you. i feel so guilty. beatnik.. one day ill prove to u pple that i have what it takes to be a rock star. hehe. ill prove it. but ill hafta wait till i star working. then i can buy my SG. hehe. reaction. go slow. at least ur slowrush is promising. unlike mine. go slow. and evrything will be fine. i love u guys. unfall,.. dont give up. u hav it in u to do good. jus wish none of this shit happened to our lives. its a bad year... and we noe it. lets jus show em what its like to be in our shoes. we will bring down the flowers on may12th. and well have fun. and ill cry. for you guys. and for you peaches... Tuesday, April 24, 2001 12:39 a.m. *sleep wont come* i still cant believe im still up. goin on wifout sleep for the last.. let me see... exactly 36hrs and 8mins. i noe once iclose my eyes ill see u all over again and ill continue keeping my eyes open till i pass out. bitter liquid never tasted this good. esp wif "mr. anti-depressant". im just so tempted to mr and mrs healmywoundsliquid out of their hiding place... nah. maybe later. i just wish i wasnt so weak. maybe i act really well pple dunnoe shit abt me. the real me. all i wanted was a smile. just a smile. why did things have to go this far. way to far. didnt noe until now that your leaving. didnt hear until now that ur crying. didnt feel until now that ur gone. thanks christian.. for these lyrics u sang for RTF. they mean so much to me now.. im slowly putting up the fence around this home. nobody without the password can come in.. nobody unwated can come in from now on and see my tears flow down. coz i dont wanna drown u pple wif my tears. so let me be a nomad. carry on with your always-so-perfect-beautiful life. its a pity. we cld have shared the madness together. now ill be living it on my own. as i always have.. Monday, April 23, 2001 01:00 a.m. *pickets and fences* i havent slept yet.. the feeling of being both lethargic and drunk at the same time is so frustrating. maybe im getting angry... wif myself perhaps. for being so blind. as to fall for someone like her. i just dunnoe whats wrong wif myself anymore. but i noe where im goin now. towards bitterness and selfishness and pride and mother fucking egoism when it comes back to picking the ripe ones.. its about damn time the old 'pickets and fences' are place around me again.. this time the edges are gonna be more sharper. it will be a whole lot more higher. now i can truly say 'i am just one, nothing more' come may 12th,... watch a grown man cry. Sunday, April 22, 2001 11:50 a.m. *u shld be happy im gone.* so this is how it feels. to be in beatnik and unfall's shoes... cept that they fell out of love. whereas i didnt even get the chance of being loved.. and yet still fell. ur images still flashes whenever i close my eyes. im so scared to sleep now coz im in constant fear, that you might be there in my dreams. or nightmares. why didnt u told me earlier? i confessed to u i liked u alot. yet u gave me no response at all. i hope ur glad now that im devastated by the news.. and the only thing i cld think of doin jus now is to drink. ive already stopped my habit of drinking whenever im sad, depressed,.. or lost. but.. its here again. i noe im not making sense now. i mean,.. how cld you when ur in a dark room alone,.. temp at 18degress,, trying to finish a bottle of vodka.. and crying at the same time? i tot i ran out of passion. turns out it was lying below my facade to myself. yes.. i do lie to myself. but i didnt lie to you before. have u seen a grown man cry???!!??!... have u any idea how much pain im going thru now?!?!?! i just hope i get thru this. no. i just hope i forget i ever set my eyes on you for the first time and ill definitely wanna forget the feeling of my heart skipping a beat when i first saw u. this just proves how much of a freak of nature i am. why did u kept quiet all this while???!?!??! u wanted me to go for the ride issit??.. well. im so proud of you now. coz uve accomplished a great thing.. i want to be angry and vulgar now.. but i just cant do that to you. thats how much hold u had over my life the past few weeks. thats how much u lingered in my thoughts.. the silence killed me. i wish i was dead. literally. i love your smile. i am strong and you are weak. WAIT... YOU ARE STRONG AND I AM WEAK.... and now ill cry myself to sleep. Sunday, April 22, 2001 04:18 a.m. *revolution with the heart* i dunnoe whether to be glad, .. or jus be more weary. heard some good things.. which might not be true. anyway fuck that. im gone. given up. i think ive basically done most of the things needed to keep this engine running. its getting dull at its every waking moment. having you around in my dreams dont help either. im so numb i cant cry no more. its true that being nice guys dont help anymore. so thanks for turning my tables. Saturday, April 21, 2001 11:38 a.m. *collection of heartbreaks* we often tend to have disregard of the good shit when were having fun. its weird if i ask of u guys to leave your sorrows behind for todae... coz i noe i will be contradicting my self if i do. let the rastaman show us the way to bliss, for today. he will tell us no woman no cry. so as for the time being.. let him have his way. i noe ill try hard to be sincere with these words. i love you guys. lets just hope this kind of things make us stronger. ill try, i definitely will. Saturday, April 21, 2001 11:21 a.m. *keep it in the closet* so we did it again. the passing of silence. i was scared you wldnt look at me again. so i shyed into my self. and as far back as i can remember,.. im always the one who initiates the talks. doesnt matter in which situation. so what makes u think im to quiet?. all i noe is im giving it the best i can. so u said i wasnt at fault. you said it was you. and that ill never fully noe it till im in your shoes. have u ever stopped and thought what the hell is goin on in my mind?.. in my insides?.. its always easy to tell someone who is hurting to take it easy. try getting hurt. i dont know why u keep blaming yourself,.. when in fact u havent even done anything yet.im the one pushing the cart.. not you. u claim its just you. why the hell cant u let me see thru the blinds?? i noe if only i can, ill be able to clean your cobwebs.. so u can truly be urself again. stop being selfish to yourself. its undoubtable im capable of opening up my arms. but can you say the same?.. hint. ur portrayal of me being oh so always devastated is so underrated. u deem me to be coz the only times u really look at my demise is when im down. coz we both bloody well noe there's more to me. and you. so please. jus let the light shine your way. its a great feeling. we can share the strawberries i've plucked. just remember to bring the sugar, and ill take you home. Saturday, April 21, 2001 03:43 a.m. *thoughts still linger* i wonder whether its normal to get angry with silence. fuck that. dont wanna start there again.. i just wanna write sumthing normal for once. ok here goes. went to meet reaction n beatnik. thanku beatnik for the stickees. love em. might use it to print shirt..heh. hey reaction.. can u react properly will yah?. im refering to our conversation at the IRC> like i said, its ok if im hurting as long as u guys are happy. i noe what i just said was contradicting, but believe me when i tell you im glad uve found ur sunshine. im still looking for mine,.. but it doesnt matter anyway. jus take it easy though.. or ull end up like me freaking out the pple i care for.and bro, take care of your health. beatnik, thanks for the company. those bloody spinelli's bastard. jus coz where not whites doesnt mean they can treat us that way. fucking bitch. anyway, thanks for talking to me. its been so long since we've had those kinda talks. and it makes me happy jus to know that i made your day. we will prove to them one fine day that we are not the slackers that they made us out to be. im hurting now but it doesnt matter. only thing im scared is whether ill pull through. hope i do. numbness. im so happy your fighting for your future. hope u succedd. sory if ive been a pain in the ass lately. and amran: i've told you before,.. u've been hit. its up to you whether u wanna get up or not. i noe ur getting up now.. its hard. thats why im here. call me if you feel the pain. ill be happy if u can share it with me. just bring it on. im ready. i love you all. i just hope i can do so much for you guys with my pathetic life... and shortcake, i still care, and its up to you if you really want me to be more than a friend. it your choice. im not expecting for the stars to fall down on me... neither am i expecting you to look at me in the eyes. just dont ignore me to that extent will yah?..im in pain if u cant see. i noe im driving too fast. but didnt it occur to you it goes the same for ur friend and mine?.. then again,.. both of them were holding the ace of hearts when they met. i jus wish that those ace of hearts are withing my sight. and ill gladly work my way up. i miss yah. Friday, April 20, 2001 02:52 a.m. *why??* oh the silence that kills. even when ur hiding behind the screen. its getting more n more deafining. this is ridiculous. losing my head over cartoon freaks. sometimes i wonder how i do it. and how u do it. u pull it off so well.. your a maestre. gd nite peaches. Wednesday, April 18, 2001 11:24 p.m. *oh come on* I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! I WANNA OPEN FOR pLAIN sUNSET! Wednesday, April 18, 2001 10:58 p.m. *ill take you everywhere, princess liya..opps i meant leia* fuckin sick. dunnoe what i have this time round.. but all inoe the headaches are gonna kill me.. the emotional hurt.. and now this. but seems like i kinda like it.. wonder how it will be like if both reaches their own respective extremes at the same point of time??. dont know. well.. semms like thats what ive been saying alot the past few days.."i dont know" and "...it doesnt matter anyway"... kinda like my fave lines nowadays.. my hands are trembling evrytime i focus to use it for a delicate action... the bitter pills never felt so good. i swear its the shiznik.. anyway.. a week plus more b4 the final papers... this whole exams thingy.. so deja vu.. i can still see us studying at your room.. the flashbacks keep coming.. and you and me will jus be staring at the sky evrytime we go for a smoke break.. how you wld ask me questions abt stuffs u thought i was smart at.. when we both know i was bullshittin both of us.. but u still touched my hair. i loved you. and i miss you. but thats it for now. coz i dont even wanna see you now... i think this is what im gonna be doing for the rest of my life.. and that is to lament on love lost. ive got no more respect for myself.. should never have listened to cocteuo twins back then.. and soul asylum. now im suffering from feeling the music i hear too right down to the core of my bones. goddamn you. Wednesday, April 18, 2001 10:21 p.m. *drowningman.* so help me. help me get on.. i admit im not strong enough to do what seems like child's play to many of you. i admit im losing... badly. or do i have to climb up so u can hear me shout? needless to say im hurting coz ive been acting like i do. but then again. that will be selfish of me. so go on andsmile at your sunshine. im glad i brought the sun down for you. i really am. try not to think to much of my despondency coz i dont want you to impinge on mine. i may not be in high spirits lately.. but i will be.soon. as long as i find my daylight. as for now im still looking for my torch to light up my passageway. you wouldnt want to trade places with me. my life is too murky for somebody so brilliant as you. and if u guys find me too ominous to partake in your daily lives,. ill gladly depart. all you have to do is articulate. Wednesday, April 18, 2001 02:15 p.m. *pretty baby..* i dont noe what to tell you. everytime i write sumthing here its about you. evrythings about you. so i guess i ran out of thinks to say to you. jus to let you noe i wont let you fall.. being a whole lot older than you puts me in a spot im not usually at. i noe bloody well that you can act and think maturely.. so no point remindind me every now and then. .. .. i noe alot of good things are happening around us the past few days.. though it doesnt even involve you n me. lets be happy for them. i noe u are.. so lets jus give em the support they needed. i saw the way they looked at each other just now while i was wif them. i can honestly tell you magic is in the air. im so happy for them i cried inside. how i wish we will stop this charade and let ourselves be happy too. i think ive been using the word happy so many fucken times the past few days.. but who can blame the fool?. . and yes.. 'pretty' wld be a much better nick than 'shorty'.. whatever pleases you.. Tuesday, April 17, 2001 10:32 p.m. *fool enough to almost be it.* i wish ive never bumped into you in my fucking entire life. u made me yearn for you so much.. drop the bomb on me..so thats why ive gotta end it back then.. or ill be hurt. or so im always hurt.. but the way you do me.. has always been a masterpiece. and you have the check to call me and ask me to meet you. did u noe i was crying inside while we were talking at the park??.. i sumhow tot u noe me well enough to actually hear me think. i was broken by you. humiliated by you... and im actually suprised that i still have the cohones to love somebody after the aftermath of our 'picking of the strawberries". you bitch. i loved you. it could have been magical.. and yes it was at sometimes. but you jus had ta do me then. somehow i cldnt believe all your stories jus now.. i almost lost it when u shrugged aside my hair from my forhead like u so deftly do back then... jus let me be,,... pls. i beg of you. i dont wanna go thru the same path again. im over that. so dont barge into my miserable and pathetic life from now on. i tot i ran out of tears... till i met you todae. u whore. u took away the one thing i had. and thats my heart..... Tuesday, April 17, 2001 10:22 p.m. *light from below* well. me in school right now. currently suffering from the effect of having too many pix taken.. sheesh. talk abt cheesiness to the max. phew. anyway me ending at 12pm todae,,.. so if thereaction is reading this, then CALL ME AT 12pM!! or ill be bored till i meet you..which i guess will be ard 4. so please. pick up the goddamn phone n call me now. hello there. how's the tramplin of them strawberries goin on?? . i miss your sweet coldness. really. i do. sumtimes i feel like i yearn for being hurt. not sumtimes.. all the time. so pick up the mullet and hit me in the back. id love that. dear beatnik.. i dont noe what issit but sumtimes when i meet u guys i feel that there is a tension.. and its always as if im not there. so pls forgive me if i dun meet u guys that often as last time.. im still trying to settle sum stuff on my side. sorry. but i really wld love it if march12 can open for u guys at zouk. make me happy. love you guys. Tuesday, April 17, 2001 10:39 a.m. *move on and react* hey reaction. i want you to MOVE ON. it doesnt matter anymore if i get left behind. if i did,.. ill be watching your back. coz im not dat selfish as to let you be in the same mosh pit with me forever. some has given you the rope. grab it. hold it. hug it. my god.. kiss it. this might be your last. i noe mine was gone a long time ago when the strawberries stopped blossoming. my brilliant dance is not so brilliant anymore. i jus hope i can find an escape from this reality i shoved myself into. hopefully i dont end up being a lush as i was back then. it was messy,.. but it did gave me some insight as to where i stand.. so im not goin back there anymore. and if im left behind.. then its nobody's fault but mine. i URGE u to get the fuck out of my hellhole. you are not welcomed here anymore. u hafta start looking up more at your sunshine. its a hope. and ihope u liked it. coz i knew i was such a genius to be able to draw your peachy n perky sunrays. im so proud of me. so be proud of me to. just dont forget that i still exist. thats all i ask... thats all im fucking asking from you pple.////\\ so how have you been?.. been blossoming? i missed your smile and voice even though they were so far away and your so close to me. inside me you now reside. dont know if i ever did in you. but be happy now for pple ard us who are standing up the right way.. they need our help. im giving mine. and so should you. im not cashing in at the moment.. i will not take this ride anymore. its all up to you. and i leave my fate in the hands of God. Monday, April 16, 2001 11:39 p.m. *plain sunset* hey beatnik. i wld love it if march12 can open for you guys. i think i can talk saiful into playing for us jus for that gig. so im asking you.. no.. im begging you.. LET ME HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE A ROCKSTAR!!!!!.. hehe. Monday, April 16, 2001 01:29 a.m. *get up, kid....* had a dream.. a weird one. was walking on the paddy fields.. saw a field of strawberries. was really looking forward to having some. saw you trampling on them strawberries. and it ended there. wonder if it had another meaning to it. whether its about time that i pack my bags and leave. but.. ive made so that you are inside of me. and its hard to let go unless i trample you like you did to them damn strawberries. then i think i realised. you are way above them fruits. i dont know how to say it,.. but the closest thing i can relate to it is that.. ive waited so long for this. and now that thereaction is on the way to bliss.. which i can proudly say that it was bcoz of me he's on the way there... im still left behind. but this is what i provoked myself to do.. to be less of me and more of a carer. but wasnt i a carer since the beggining??.. i mean, yes,.. i was selfish that i hurted pple.. but didnt u even felt the radiance eminating from me that was directed to your heart??.. that wasnt a selfish act. maybe im in denial about things. thats why i put myself in a position that im helping pple... giving em enuff rope so they can hang on. and thereaction is way above the hangin part. all he need to do now is to prevent himself from having a broken heart.. as for me,.. im already broken so it doesnt really matter now what you think of me. yes.. im despicable, disgusting.. basically a fucked up person to begin with. but i noe how to love. guess i wanted to hear you say that.. even though u dont look at me in the eyes... so the words that were ringin in my ears the whole day.. said "Fool enough to almost be it cool enough to not quite see it old enough to always feel this Always old, I'll always feel this No more promise no more sorrow No longer will I follow Can anybody hear me I just want to be me When I can, I will Try to understand That when I can, I will" Monday, April 16, 2001 01:00 a.m. *filtering keys* now i can understand/ why i keep hovering over you/ like a grayish cloud/ that follows me wherever i go/ it wldnt hurt a bit/ to see me in the eyes/ or was it jus a burden to you/ to actually see me now/ so why be so silent?/ people will talk anyway/ its about the moves we make/ yeah, evryone does them too/ sometimes we tend to over do it/ but it gets to deafining,/i could hear myself think/ the realisation/ of knowing this hasnt begun/ makes it more different/ coz the hurt process/ is ongoing./ so will you filter my keys/ arent you glad i asked you? Sunday, April 15, 2001 01:02 p.m. *chemical X* twice i saw u. twice u cant see me. u choosed not too. and ive thought abt it. ill make myself hurt for a while more.. just to see u hurt.let you noe how it feels like. im sorry for this, but this will go on. i swear im hurting like hell.. but i think i kinda like this feeling. trample my dreams wif your silence. because your the only who can make me look away from my inner insanity. the voices said that i should be seeing the light any time soon. do you have what it takes to walk me there?.. i wish i can cure you of your silence.. but, if i did, then all the hurt wld go away. i kinda liked it here.. cold.. yet there's always a glimpse of failure and sadness ahead. so go, step on my bread. ill eat it anyway. to beatnik, the hurt is flowing out of the pores of your skin. i wish i cld gather it all up and feed it to the ones who truly deserve it. its true that it doesnt pay to be nice guys anymore. how i wish we werent in the first place. to numbness, well that time of the month when ur mood disorder comes... are here again. but im here. i have the cure. so come get it. to amran.. goodluck in getting the keys to your future days. finally to thereaction.. its starting again.. in the words of 4SIDES "start it again.. start.. start it again." jus make sure when the bell rings your there. in the frontline with you guitar and words. im behind u buddy. to catch you if u fall. but... ive got a good feeling abt this. she's nice.. jus dont take it from me when i said 'fuck all things wif sugar n spice and everything nice".. was saying it coz the tension was jus too high all i need to do is whisper and it will falter. thanks for the company so deeply needed by yours truly. wish we werent such nice pple. but then again,.. evryone needs sumbody. so go get your share. im still trying to get mine.. but mine is not in reach,.. unlike yours. .. .. .. now. for you. i noe your there. why are u always running standtill when i need you?.. why not jus take me home?.. if your're lost.. let me noe. i may noe the way there. ill gladly bring you in. Sunday, April 15, 2001 04:46 a.m. *blue out.. black in* i shld never have been taught to feel. coz it took me 21 yrs to finally reach where i am now.. jus to find myself always giving.. and yet still waiting for somthing. everything is obsolete now. i was to selfish to myself. i tot i was better off caring n loving pple.. but all i got was to be in a place of void. didnt u noe ur the only person i would ever want, to break my heart?.. staring into the foolishness ive done.. im sorry for hurting other pple in the process of being selfish.. that is the process of me falling on my knees jus to beg for affection i missed. i dont need sympathy.. that is so overrated. wat i need is warmth. i noe u wont give in. did i ever told u i did? my overused tearducts finally ran out of steam. and thats the way its gonna be from now on. i choose it to be so. so goodbye to all things sweet and nice. ill kick ur assess on may 12th. i promise u that. and as for now im gonna hear the saddest songs. and i cried. at least u dont look at me in the eye.. at least i noe ull never see me broken. Saturday, April 14, 2001 12:02 a.m. *dont leave me behind.* somtimes .. well most of the times i feel like im left behind.. or worse off.. being dragged along for the ride.. and this feieling not only covers my so pathetic lovelife, but to me being wif my friends too. funny how when pple say that whatever i did for them will go down wif them until their graves.. and yet still have feelings of awkwardness from them. funny. so as u see im not a whole person after all. im half the man i used to be. im broken, stepped on, and spat on. but i love it. better than being a chair that u just sit on coz u have to. i love my friends. ill gladly leave all the things behind just for them. but .. i dont know. why issit that im always the last.. or most of the time im not even there. coz maybe i didnt really made a big difference in their lives. ive said this b4. im sorry that im so fucken busy wif my life now that i dont have time for u guys. im jus trying to get this over with. so i can move on to the next stage of my life. im sorry for being such a pain in the ass. i noe some of you dont really want me to be around. i understand that., coz im not evrything. but im trying, goddamnit. i am.now.. there's nothing to write home about.. ... ... ok. so maybe im jus getting paranoid. but who can blame me?.. ive been hurt many times. so much hurt has passed thru my road.. im gonna hafta tax them the next time round. just for fucks sake. fuck you joseph. ur such an imbecile to think u were special. i guess the charade is over.i jus hope it doesnt start all over again. and today is the day my dad died. ..ididnt even knew who u really where.. who are u.. and what kinda person are u. i noe i can blame u now for whatever that is happening to me. if u only saw me for the last time.. ill be gratefull ... and forever be in debt to u. but u didnt. and to the pple who stopped me from seeing him.. u caused the very first major hurt ive ever experienced in my life. so fuck you all. ill never forget what u pple did. coz u fucking screwed my entire life!!!!!!!... shit.. and now i cry./ Thursday, April 12, 2001 04:34 p.m. *easy on.* jus came back from werk.. damn shacked.. the waking up at 0430am hasnt seeped in my biological timetable yet.. it sucks goin for my attachment wherein mos of the if i get a chance to sit ill fall asleep in less than 10 seconds... i kid you not... 3 days ive not seen the crew.. wonder how they all are.. maybe this will carry on till sat.. when i finish the last of my attachments... miss you guys.. miss amran, numbness, the reaction , beatnik, pul,. nizam,,. rony,,... sani.. bob. suhaimy.. and the rest. and you too. its been ages since i last say your pretty face.. no offence.. but ur so naive it comes of so cute.. and me.. still in this hellhole.. my legs are buried in the mud its so hard to let out of em... im in constant shit.. anyway.. i jus hope this fine day will come.. and im out.. so .. bye bye bye. Tuesday, April 10, 2001 04:26 p.m. *the brilliant dance* so this is odd,... painful realisations that all has gone wrong... nobody cares at all,.. and nobody cares at all.... so u bury all your lovers clothes... and burn the letters, lover wrote... but it doesnt make it any better.. does it make it any better. and the plaster dented from your fist, in the hall way, where u had your first kiss,... reminds you that,... the memories...will fade.. so this is strange.. our side stepping has come to be a brilliant dance.. .. where nobody leaves at all... nobody leaves at all... and the picture frames are facing down, and the ringing from this empty sound... , is deafining.. and keeping you from sleep... and breathing is a foreign task.., and THINKING's just, too much to ask, and your measuring your minutes, by a clock that's blinking eight's... This is incredible,.. starving... insatiable.. yes this is love for the first time.., well you'd like to think that you were invincible... yeah...well weren't we all once.. before we felt lost for the first time.. well... this is the last time...,. this is the last time.. this is the last time.. Monday, April 9, 2001 07:24 p.m. *we came, we seek.. and we destroyed.* well. the JB trip was awesome.. we literally bought the place down... thru me n my guitarist constant effort of pounding on the stage to make it crumble away beneath our feets... and my sicko bassist n wacko vocalist were playing in the mosh pit. sick bastards... and my drummer..well.. lets jus say he the only one not causing harm to anybody. well done guys!.. its was raining heavily though thru out the gig... cept for my set..( meaning i didnt get to play in emo conditions.. tsk tsk tsk).. but seems like it was a blessing in disguise coz while it was raining, the power was getting cut off on and on.. so my set wasnt disturb at all.. had my regular nosebleeds again.. and coughed out sputum wif blood.. eeire.. it wldnt have hurt u a bit if u gave me a call b4 i played.. i bought for u a patch and a sticker... and maybe on the dy i give it to u we can watch the video and look at the photos together. ... .. this is only fun for me. Monday, April 9, 2001 05:08 a.m. *best deception* so this on. im leaving for JB to play. and u noe im not happy. ill never be. pple say i make a good friend. fuck them.. for they noe not what they say. im sick. jus drop the line and ill gallantly try my best to reach for it... no matter how low or how shaky it is. coz i need this... to get rid of this. or watever. watever. so go on, be mad. at least thats a form of emotion u are directing towards me. at least i noe u felt sumthing.. even though its not what i wanted to feel from you... but .. go on. dont stop. no one stoppping u now. Sunday, April 8, 2001 08:28 a.m. *bottle of beast.* trying is the hardest... but the giving up part is always much more harder than trying.. and for me.. both situations hurt a lot. i dont know.. feel like giving up.. but then again.. im already hurt.. what difference does it make if i get hurt more?.. it used to be that i always come out strong from getting trampled on.. but now.. i dont think ill make it anymore. im trying my best to hide it. and i think the guys noe abt it.. but if they dont.. dat shows how much a spec i am in their lives. coz im crying now. and nobody is stopping me now.. not even a shoulder to lean after bending my head far too long... my hair is dropping off from my constant tuggin at it. but it wont affect me anymore.. coz im repulsive enough wif my hair intact.. let alone wif it gone.. at least beatnik can say 'so much for sumthing special." i cant even say that line wif honesty. coz honestly.. there aint nothing special. abt me. or whatever that goes on. .the fun is over. but there is still a place here. its so fucking void.. i feel im getting sucked in the vacuum. .. i jus wish the bottle of beast is taking me home. Sunday, April 8, 2001 01:00 a.m. |