has it occured to u i can feel?

im defeated and tired... jus let me sleep
Saturday, April 7, 2001 12:45 p.m.:: this maybe be heading nowhere.. now im running to you wif out a light.. i noe im gonna fall soon.. but i still keep on running.. im tired of running but im still contining this almost lost battle... and why am i being like this??... i noe im gonna get hurt if i carry on.. but since i am ALREADY hurt... why not add a few more battlescars on my forehead?.. and tell the whole world i am but a loser and a sucker... who falls to fast... who carries the cry of a loner... we may be a few years apart.. but. i dunnoe. im lost. all is lost.. like it has always been for me.. so rejoice.. coz im slowly backing up.. but dont think that im out. coz im not.. maybe soon.. i noe im already incomplete.. coz evrything is starting to fall apart.. this is what u get when u put other pple's needs and yearnings before yourown.. im shaking. im trembling so hard i cant see anymore. i dont knoe what else to say to let u noe im hurting. i bet your enjoying this.. coz im crying.... dont u see.... that the charade is over.. and all the best deception and glamour cover story awards .... goes to you. and now im broken. thanks beatnik, reaction and numbness. sorry beatnik, reaction and numbness... and sorry to you for making u feel freaked out.. but i still love strawberries.

sick... am or not?
Friday, April 6, 2001 04:52 p.m.:: well. so the week is ending.. and so is my sanity.. havong attachment in a mental institution doesnt help either.. i mean.. i find that puting crazy pple in a duck house is not gonna help them, nor the society.. what i feel is that.. the real treatment that these ppel shld get... is to make for them a mock habitat.. wherein there is a society functioning as well as the ones we have.. unoe.. let em leave normal lives.. while being segregrated from us 'normal' ones.. coz being put back in a society wif out social skills.. is like putting a monkey on water.. so they hafta learn social skills.. which is know as occupational theraphy.. b4 being place back together wif us.. and restraining and locking up all these mad pple will jus aggrevate their situations.. thereby making the chances of relapses for these pple quite high... i mean.. look at IMH... majority of the patients who are there are all relapse cases.. relapse schizophrenia.. relapse hypermaniac.. and so on.. so instead of getting treated.. their illnessess actuall y becomes worse off. man. this is sickening... and i have funny cases whereby sum of these patients are in for what we call bipolar disorder.. usually caused bye trauma from severe emotional breakdown.. shit. can actually envisioned my self there... in their shoes.. .. so why dont u love me?.. and therefore the term "love me like crazy' takes on a whole nu meaning to me.. so kiss me hard.. coz this will be the last time that ill let you...

beat my nik...
Friday, April 6, 2001 12:28 a.m.:: hey bro... u look like ur hurting a lot jus now i meet u.. i noe how it feels. i cant ask u to cheer up or get better.... coz i myself need that too. jus ... do what u think is right for u. dont be as pathetic as me.. coz i think no one can... and to numbness.. . jus keep it goin.. it may be a bad challenge... but it will keep u up.. n i wish we can all celebrate this sat during jaming.. i really hope ur feeling much more better now.. and pls dun cry.. coz i think ive managed to ignore that response our body or emotions give when were under fire... u guys will never see me cry... coz i aint got no more tears to shed for pple... i used it all up for myself. and to threaction... bro.. i noe i can depend on u to have my back.. but like i oredi said.. i dun wan anyone else anymore to get hurt.. physically or emotionally due to my stupidness.. and to u.. i noe ur reading this.. the curiousity mus be killing u as to what i write down here... i still.. u noe.. i dun hafta say it. i guess ur trying ur best to understand me.. and if u dont.,... well im not dissappointed coz i myself truly noe no one can. its jus like looking at the stars... and trying to count them. its not that easy to see rite thru me.. especially nowadays when i put up mu barricade ard me.. but i still appreciated what u did for me the whole day.. i jus hope we can see the stars together... not much to ask for. from u.. it might mean nothing,....but it'll mean the world to me. i noe this sounds corny.. but when u truly feel sumthing so strong.. i guess its hard to conceal it.. gd nite toodles..

toodles....
Thursday, April 5, 2001 05:05 p.m.:: thank you for uplifting me.. i just hope we can go out. maybe jus to catch a show, a drink.. not much to ask for.. and maybe.. jus maybe.. we'll buy strawberries and gorge on them.. that'll be nice.. if only.. of only.. u bend the rules a bit... that will surely make me a day to remember. its not abt priorities anymore. lets cut the crap and lets open up. and yes, i do like u a lot. but how it will turn out, i dont noe. all that lies in ur hands. time is abundant from where i came from. we can ... i mean u can have all of it.. jus dun take too long... aight?.. toodles. nites.

thank u ...
Wednesday, April 4, 2001 04:53 p.m.:: see.. u cld be nice... and a much more warmer person if only u talked more.. im glad i smiled. thanks for keeping me company while awaiting my turn to record... even though we're so far apart frm each other.... the recordning was a blast..all my parts we're taken in one shot.. .and the 45 mins we spent opening up our closets.... was really an inspiration to me.... i noe u dun understand me....no one ever did.., but thanks for listening... and telling me things i never ever tot i wld noe.. thank you. u made me smile. im finally.... i think... out of my blanket... and .. ill do try to be more optimistic... if only u can see me now...

dear numbness
Tuesday, April 3, 2001 12:53 p.m.:: well dear numbness,.. i was honoured that u actually called me to pour ur heart out. i really am... this makes me feel a whole better. to noe u guys actually look at me for solace.... watever it is.. dont let those bastards bring u down.. ok?. u worked hard for sumthing so much .. for them to deny u the chance of ur limelight... its not justifiable at all. u want me to end their pathetic life??.. let me noe. coz that bastard still owe me money. ill break his fucking bones.. .. jus a little sideline.. now u noe how it feels to be unappreciated?.. coz i feel that all the time. anyway.. im always here to hear u cry. but like i said.. u guys will never ever see me. cry. never... and to sham. pls be happy. thats all im asking... i missed u guys during my KL trip. wish we can all have a trip.. jus sumwhere far.. i dont where ... jus far. away. from this town. coz it didnt feel mine. now drive me ... far. away.

and i survived.
Tuesday, April 3, 2001 12:36 a.m. NAPALM DEATH KIX ALL THESE NU-METAL'S ASS!!!. heh. trip was good. kl was hot. the bus rides were a pain.. to my heart.. as dashboard was playing in my discman.. the fucken lyrics were killing me.. the songs from DC's new album were awesome.. its was like.. all lined up for me to understand.. and sumhow found myself goin thru his lyrics.. those things fucking happned.. or are now happening to me... shit. why am doin all these?.. my heart has caused me enough sorrows.. and now.. its gonna bring me down.im sorry guys if ive let u all down. i feel like a kid whenevr im in love.. and im sorry for that.. but at least i noe.. it came from me.. from way deep inside me.. im jus an honest guy when it comes to feelings.. and a really generous person when it comes to giving in.. myself and my emotions. and if this is whats hursting u pple. ill.. oh jus fuck it. im sick of these... im not out to pls evrybody i meet. or talk too. or fall in love with. but for fucks sake... why cant i jus be happy? shit.. if ur reading this im sorry. i really am. coz i noe no matter what i do u wont ever look me as jo the guy who was really friendly. and i still miss strawberries. good thing i have my fags. goodnite cruel world. jus one request... dun let evryone be like me. and ill at least have sumthing to be happy abt. ""oh pretty baby ur so naive.. but it come of so cute""--- cursive.domestica album.

now i know..
i dint tell all of those things to u ppple. i didnt put my feelings first when urs was wounded. how luck u pple are . coz ill never let anything beat me. sigh. no comments now. seems like im the fool. one line drawing will take on a whole new meaning. goodbye

what????????
tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??tear my heart out and save me from this madness... please??

dancing on the corpses ashes
Saturday, March 31, 2001 11:12 a.m. stop.leave me. and let me love none. stop. leave me. and let me love none. stop. leave me. and let me love none. kill my fucking heart. kill my fucking heart. kill my fucking heart. u ame i whinced. u came i whinced. u came i fucking whinced. i was lying on cold ground while u slept. i jus dont wanna feel like this anymore. fuck the sudden rush. fuck all the pretty things. fuck all the thoughts i have. maybe being a droid will turn out to be more better,.. and more functional.coz if im gonna be a road then ill be a fucking highway. buzz me wif ur sharp anger.. coz i noe ill feel nothing. BUT ............ .......... .... im jus a statistic. put a bar code on me so at least when pple see me they at least noe i belong to sumthing, someone. its better that way. anything is better than where i am now. coz im so fucked that naked. see rite thru me?... makes u feel better?.. go on. do it. no rush. am and will b this way for all enternity. jus to see u smile. and maybe brush my hair aside. do you what i need?... i need fresh ones.. not rotten ones.. coz the fresh one will not dissolve in sugar. coz i eat 'em wif sugar.

so i was a fool again
Thursday, March 29, 2001 10:30 p.m.:: so i was a fool again. and im sorry for all the pple who got affected due to my foolishness.... im fucked.. seems like wan was rite.. evryone uses someone.pple fades. leaves wilter.. but for me.. n i think all of yah.. hurt stays. sadness scars. and.. love hurts.. sometimes i feel like... no.. i always feel like i dont have a partner. but i noe i got friends. and i thanks u guys ... n one gal for dat. ... if sham gets a tatoo on his forhead that says "i play for PS and u noe it".. i jus might contemplate of getting a tattoo on my head too.. it will say "click here to play wif my feelings". goodbye stoopid love. electrolyte imbalance..

lied to myself far too long
Thursday, March 29, 2001 12:52 a.m.:: are u playing wif me now?. dont,.. coz im fragile. now that u noe that,.. look the other way. coz i dont wanna let u see me cry. coz im such a whiner when i do. im so glad my bro can breath easily now. ill make it rain for u evryday if i can jus so that u can live ur life normally. and to sham, she's out there. waiting for you. so go get her. and jus remeber to save some of your self for us.. coz we care for u. and to ms marchtwelve.. its only lately that ive been like this... and as far as i can recall... whenever anyone gets into this wierd feelings.. i was there. i love marchtwelve and u noe it. check ur geustbook for more details. and to u.. if uve found ur way to my home.. im glad ur reading this coz i will never ever let u hear all this shit im feeling abt u. ill make sure ur just a figment of my imagination.. and im quite good at that.. lying to myself. coz ive been fucking doin it for my entire life.

confessions of a dreamer..
Tuesday, March 27, 2001 11:11 p.m.:: somehow it didnt really occurred to me how much of a fool i am. maybe its the barricades that does not let em fruits come inside. but sumhow.. i myself make my way around them.. get them damn stuffs.. but the way back inside .. inside to ME ... thru the barricades.. is and will always be hard. u dont hafta speak to me for me to hear u cry.. i shouted out loud to let u noe im hear. and i noe u heard it,.. but chose to place it in ur farthest thoughts. and to numbness.. u above all pple should noe that im very fragile. only that the way i break is sumhow different from u guys. i dun cry in front of u. i dont speak of what i honestly fell... making use of my tiredness as an excuse. sumhow it all bottled up.. and whenever i get to the same stage i am in now.. all of those little memories i had comes back at one flow.. making it hard for me to control things i usually have control over... like temper and stuff like that.. im trying so hard not to be back in square one.... though im feeling like this now i still am very grateful to be around u pple... but sumhow i cant find my way back home. denial is a bitch.. and so am i. sorry.

sherene's closet of joseph
Monday, March 26, 2001 Monday, March 26, 2001: u guys made radio heatwave a blast for me.. thanks for being there. and to u.. u noe who u are. u were the one i was looking at teh whole set. till u left .and i was dry.

price of wanting to be loved..
Monday, March 26, 2001 11:03 p.m.: she's sweet... she's also gonna be.. but i hope not... the downfall of my close ties wif pple i love. somhow i feel dat im useless.. and liar.. a piss-off.. a .. nobody. i feel like the boy who cried wolf,... but i jus cried. good things in life always come for me wif a price. but havent i paid enuff??.. to atone for my sins i lost all my pride and ego.been fucken moody lately. mus be the prozacs.. and i tot it was the dope... but it made me a dope. funny how it feels when u passed by the age of the so-called adulthood.. yet still so far away from gaining peace of mind and ... the so much needed.. no.. not needed... but YEARNED for respect from pple.. it brings down the clocktower functioning so well to a standstill. i loved u guys. i still love u guys. but what am i?.. im a vending machine of emotions constantly giving out freebies to deprived customers.. always plugged on consistently.. never once put off.. but .. always there... always there when u fall. but what if the only person who will put shillings in me be the one to stop me from giving out stuffs to you all?.. will u still love me?.. or much less care for me??. the answer is in your wallets and chains. if you can find that.. strawberries will grow around my surroundings.. and life will be as what ive always dreamt of... where i am the one who will always linger in ur minds...not jus another number on ur filled-to-brim-wif-lovable-talented-pple phone.love is everywhere but hear. can u save me?......

the end is the beggining is the end
Monday, March 19, 2001 05:21 p.m.:: so have u decided whether my suffering is enuff? it seems to me it has only begun.. and i think im losing it. u bitch. i loved you. dont make me feel like i hafta keep u closer than i do now.. coz i will. and im such a fool. its like paddling in shallow water.. and yet still drowning. all i wanted... all i ever gave. but u, bitch,.. u make it seem more easier to fuck around than to love. i still love you.

closet
Friday, March 16, 2001 12:36 a.m.:: jammed wif sherene's closet todae... and mos prollie playing wif them on the radio heatwave on mar 24. not really excited. nor dissappointed. jus plain normal.. maybe im too numb.. or maybe i choose to be this way. i mean, who wouldnt??. if u are were i am standing now. the point being that, .. im always having mood swings. an it hits anyone, no matter how close they are to me. and i suck bcoz of that. coz i noe i feel bad doing it,.. but i still carry on. i wish to see u now. im longing for the sweet moments. and im always longing for strawberries. and grapes. and u. and for me to be happy. i still love you dear. even though i noe it kills me. and u, ur always right. and yes,.. im half the man i used to be.

the jokes end here.
Thursday, March 15, 2001 12:55 a.m.:: the jester said to the princess "issit me, the joker u fell in love with?.. or issit me,... the jester??" and the princess said " im in love with the man who took the road downhill, the man who made my fingers' tremble.. and to the man facing me with utmost sincerity in asking me who he really is". too bad i aint as strong as the jester to ask this question. im just so lonely right now. fee like im riding the rollercoaster alone.. and there aint no way its gonna stop.. coz the being controlling it is not allowing it. and i wrote the above story myself. and again i fell in love. and as always, in one glitch of reality, i realised it is i, the fool, who will have to go down the well and retrieve the bucket she so nonchalantly threw down so that i may b able to prove that i'm man enough to get it back and place it in her soft hands. but i wasnt. never will. thanks amran n guys for making me feel whole in times like this.if u guys only knew that im miserable as u all are. coz unlike u all, who lost someone u all loved... i, didnt even have to love someone to loss them. its like finding something u never had. and sham, if ur reading this, i hope someday ull find the strength to look at the oncoming car headed towards u and find a way to stop it. pls dun ask me abt this if u do meet me. .. this is not emo. this is sadness. coz all i ever want now ... are ciggarettes, strawberries,... and a hamster to throw my affection to. and dewi, thanks for not being selfish with ur hamster. u guys rock, not moc. .... .... .... .... and the hardest part is... ... ... ... ... to know ur there but i just couldnt find you. i love u.

tomorrow shines for u.,
Wednesday, March 14, 2001 01:23 a.m.:: well.so ill be seeing ur face tomorrow. imagine the sorrows that will rummage my thoughts ... wif the knowledge that u and i shared sumthing special. u knew all along that u will hurt me.. and so did i. but i didnt matter,.. jus for sake of spending one little moment wif u. im such a loser... in every sense. what the fuck. i love the emo-crew. esp dewi, sham, fariswan , amran and pul. u guys are the bestest. hahah finally got to use that singapore word. nyiak nyiak nyiak... hehe

agony of defeat
Tuesday, March 13, 2001 01:35 a.m. :: march twelve is a good day. u asked for lunch, i went along, we both got more than we wanted for. i felt ur eyes burning me inside as the passion between us escalated. u said 'i love u', i knew it meant none. but deep inside i knew, that u made me feel something ive never felt in a long time. cuddling up in ur bed i began to wonder, was it for real?? were ur words jus fire? or am i really that dumb?.. the answer came when we were driving... and that exact moment was when u messed my hair,.. like i so lovely did to the ones before you. .. but confusion arised as we both stepped back down to our routine of life. cos i new it wasnt plain n simple. coz i knew for you it meant nothing. coz i knew it was love that we did. coz i knew i was jus a passing cloud. coz i knew that that's what we both wanted. but didnt it occured to you i wanted more?... or issit too much to ask for? """"... and the hardest part is..... whenever you let me touch you... i pulled you from behind/you gave me a smile/but thats all there is to it, aint it?/now, why issit cloudy inside my head/wont you pls come inside and add sun to me??/but i noe its hard for you/ as it is for me to hear your voice// counting the numbers of fate/ not one belongs to me/ you have one to many/ wont u sing for me??// who turned ur eyes to gray?/the road to here is never and was too easy/ thoughts emulate everytime u sway/ and my response is to be this way......."""" ..............................................................................................................................marchtwelve is a sad day. happy bday to the marchtwelve. love u guys.

personality test
Sunday, March 11,2001 05:56amLike just 12% of the population you are a DREAMER (SIAF)--reserved and imaginative. You are basically the shy, silent type. You don't have much interest in facts and figures or most of what's going on around you, but the internal worlds you build for yourself are rich and complex. Luckily, your creativity and strong heart mean you have a deep personality evident to anyone who gets to know you. It's just that not many people do, because most everyone thinks you're a loser. Talk to yourself less, other people more, little shaver. nuff said.

whenever u smile. tada!
Sunday, March 11, 2001 05:24 a.m. jus came back home. chilled out wif the crew.wonder how ill be like once i reach their age.. ??. was drinking booze wif the guys jus now.. hehe.. we shared 12 bottles. big bottles. sumtimes it makes me more of who i am.. more free to xpress myself to pple. its often like that.... as in like i always try to hide my feelings to the guys.. sorry if u all are reading this. but if i dont hide it.... ur lives will be as miserable as mine.. cos im kinda self-destructive whenever im hurt. so thats why i always put up a 'front'. ... maybe in my past life i was a court jester.. alwaystrying to make a fool of myself.. to the expense of other pple's happiness... but deep inside... sigh.. if u looked into my world u will find a lot of jumbled up emotions raging and roaring for peace. maybe i shld start parying again??. or perhaps that's not the answer. maybe all i hafta do is to be more firm and strong. .. "fool enough to not quite see it... fool enough to not quite be it.... " but then again..im such a sucker for fragile angelic beings that pass through my shack in the middle of etopia. even pikachu had someone to love him... hell.. even a tool has a user. but. what the fuck. if i were to change for what makes u happy.. im be more lonelier than now. and u noe what?.. the lift-girl.. well she has a guy. but she still smiles, she still laughs,.. and she still looks at me wif sincerity. now tell me.. am i fucked up... ?.. or issit jus that the world has turned.. and left me here?.. .............. you said we should forgive, as the one aboved preached. its been six moths since i last touched ur hair, and i still remember how u shoved me away. why issit so cold?, u asked. wif no reply, i opened up. you came in, i threw myself out. will u ever be here when i fall???.... will,,... if u EVER DID.. strawberries and grapes,.. wif a glass of refresher,.. i asked, u gave. u gave it from your uncertainty. but i took it all, will do it again if i have to. now, you are stronger than me. and i weep. again. like u said. coz ur the one who has always been above me. shot down by ur love. and still... i am broke. and the hardest part is to see u smile.

suprises from the corner of my eyes
Thurs, March 8, 2001 02:10 pm well... in school. chilling out at macs. jamming wif DPP todae. jus heard that Return To Fall will be playing @ kl on 7th April. My JB gig wif DPP is on the 8th. mos prollie will go down to M'sia together wif the guys. Had coffee at kino's coffee club xpress yesterday wif wan n dewi. the fucken place is so goddamn emo!!!. it screams if emo!! with emo wooden planks!!. played scrabble there, hehe. listening to deftones' "my own summer" album track 6. u go figure what song that is.... this song reminds me of memories... sigh. makes ne wanna be alone and cry.... alone n crying... jus like sham, amran... and wan.. sigh. its not justifiable to have a good heart nowadays... anyway had an open heart talk amran last nite.. everything's a-ok now. had a very confusing day @ school yesterday... seems like everyone was smiling n talking to me....even those hypocritical cunts i dissed last time... weird. its classical, anyway. 06:10pm . fuck. as usual...these morons are late. it has always been like that.. they say meet @ 0600pm.. then they arrive @ 0700pm. or worse. anyway,.. got this chick from my sch...she's so sweet.why am i fucking myself again.. over n over again.. sigh. i think im a softie. not as a gay... but more to like emotion n feelings wise. we were toking on the lift jus now... she's kinda short though. might ask her to come to "this fine day", an emo gig im doing, together wif the emo crew... was chilling out da alley ( emocrew HQ.... hehe).. and having orange tea n MarlboroMentholLights.. sigh..alone. as usual. as always. as how im gonna be for the rest of my fucken life. a little poem i wrote. "she moves like a satellite dangling in thin air will she fall?? im never there only in thoughts at least i cared but you,.... you shoved me away still my wings you are still your wall i am."

deftly hiding everything from all of u.
mar301|0539am: jus came back home. lepax @ the coffee shop @ victoria street. everything's changed. thats for sure. everything.. i dunnoe.. maybe im being more sensitive nowadays...mus be some auto-kick-in self preservation/defense mechanism that i have.. u noe.. being scared of getting hurt all of the time. im so insecure abt the way i act and talk.. that even the way pple acts towards me comes in to me as somewhat sarcastic.. male PMS perhaps?... dunnoe.. im just paranoid perhaps.. maybe im beoming over-sensitive abt a lot of things... but.. shucks. who can blame me??. i gave it all,.. all in all. yet the wind still never blew my way. ive never been a fraction of the breeze. i think i just flew along as dirt with them all. and u thought i was naive?. well i noe abt all of ur sick ways. ... .. . .. well gd nite my love. goodnite always, to all thats pure,.. and in ur heart.

dawn of realization
mar201|1240am: well heeeelllooo... wasnt that bad .. i meant venom. actually had more fun than i expected. sheesshh... and i really loved bob n sham's birthday "gift". heh. they actually managed to convince 4 (yes F O U R 4) french/sweden chicks to come up to me and greet me happy bdae, and the last one (i gather her name was charlotte) actualy kissed me. hehe. what fun. i was like fucking high, not drunk, jus plain high. like bob said " i stopped counting after three glass". hehe. well jus came back from seign my fren's band jam. actually quite dissappointed that a friend of mine broke his promise with relevance to being a lush. so dissappointed. i tot i managed to change him. tough luck i guess. for my other presents,.. saiful gave me a swiss army. i noe he didnt planned it,.. but he so deftly took it outta his bag gaved it to me. so nice of him. got hamster's pee on my hand courtesy of dewi. .. got a shirt n a goldchain ..from somebody. now im the one whois confused. its like being in a 3d world when ur only 2d. fuck. i hate it when pple say then can see rite thru me..when in fact they cant. dont forget the fight, dont forget the struggle, dont forget falling in love. nites.

another year to be sad.
feb2701|1144pm well. im 21 in ard 15 minutes time. and ill be adding more sad years to my pathetic existence. sheesh. im getting old. another inch of my foot down the grave. i miss being 17. Where u are a boderline case... old enough to legally have sex but still young to smoke. sheesh... thats awfully weird. ok. me n the guys will be goin to Venom later in the evening. why venom? well, u just hafta pay $25 cover charge, and its free flow all-mutha-fuckin-nite long!!!!.. i noe its sounds kinda cheap... but who cares?? i jus came back from the airport,.. jus sent my mom off to japan, and she'll be back on fri. she got me a gold necklace for my b-day... sweet... another 10 minutes to adulthood. will be shopping toms for clothes and new pair of shoes.hehe. well,.. so she'd rather go to her class chalet than go out wif me on my special dae.. sad.. she keeps on insisting i follow her to the chalet,..that she wanna celebrate my bdae dere,.. she cant seem to understand that i wanna spend it wif my friends...( ...are they really!?!?!). fuck that. am i asking too much to keep u in arms length???.. man.. getting more n more complicated. ... jus hope evyrthing turns out well on my b-day.. 7 more minutes to my bdae.... and im waiting for sumthing i new i will detest.... 6 more minutes to my bdae.... i got mah first greeting. .... ... .. .. 4 more minutes to my bdae..... and all i see is blue screen... 3 more minutes to my bdae.... ..is it really worth taking all these shit from pple who i care alot for?.. i mean.. fuck her.. she's shit... but how abt those I REALLY CARE??... 2 more minutes to my bdae... ....strawberries,...cigarrettes...and a glass of cold water. that was all i asked of you that nite,.. ... but u gave me a whole lot more... 1 more minute to my bdae... u didnt even greet me the last time this thing happened.. the time when YOU were my LIFE. fuck,. happy bdae jo. u deserve a whole lot more better than this. at least u aint in no rooftop smoking n drinkin ur heart out.. alone. now ... ur toking to me. grown man DO cry.

life as zero
feb 26 01|0105am:funny. wonder how it feels when u used to be one of the pple that mattered ..(i think i DID) to some pple.. whom u acknowledged and regard as ur best buddies/mates.. then somehow due to unforseen reasons u became jus "another one" ?.. well ask me. coz i feel that way now. i noe im not the best of company in the grp... but .. i think i dont deserve this shit. its like whatever kinda affectionu show is jus brushed away.. and never coming back. sigh. why?. why now?. when i tot that this is gonna be a great year,.. now its starting to turn out as the worst of em all.i didnt asked to be hugged or kissed,,... i just want to be cared and loved. its not to much to ask for... or issit?. do i hafta to be hurt really bad,.. or encounter some really bad event , so that ill feel being cared for... or worse.. being pitied upon?. u guys said u cared. i did. but u didnt. do i hafta pour evrything that im going thru out in ur fucking faces to get the same care/attention/love i gave without asking for anything?. im in shit. when u were where i am now, i felt it, and acted on it. but u guys didnt. funny how when life seems to smack u rite in the face, and u go down for the count wif evrybody that mattered looking down on you. funny.