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*in front of everything else.* im wondering how to get you out of my head. a person i used to know knew excactly how to do that. he jumped. i wouldnt wanna be where he is right now. its to hard to accept the fact that you're leaving. ive been trying to deal with it, with this, since the first time i met you. i held myself back knowing ill end up in a situation that i wont be able to recover from. i used to think love is overrated. its a word utilised by people in a relationship who are out of other words to use, and uses it for the fact its got a universal meaning. i for one dont like to use it, as most people i noe never knew the real meaning behind it. i thought that you have to be in a relationship to be able to say it to somebody else. guess what? i was wrong. you made me feel so special, but without any intention of loving me. and guess what i think i love you. its hard for me to come to terms with that. so i hope you realise how special that meant. like the summer wind. like the red book i always carry around. like whats hidden beneath the pages. your face, your smile, your voice. pass me the spear and ill poke it myself. as the disco ball spins away another year, i wish myself a broken heart and a happy new year. Sunday, December 30, 2001 11:25 p.m. *last xmas i gave you my heart* thank you. thank you for sharing. you made me realise i havent lost it. lost the ability to give part of myself to someone else. and in a short period of time. im amazed at you. you ARE the angel. not me. if i was one, id sit you up next to me and have all em bastards play the harps for us, and feed us grapes. then when its time for you to go, ill be there to pass you the baton. ill pick up the strawberries from where you stoped. it has never been sweeter. thank you. we owe this moment. i do. if only..... thanks for all the pple who turned up at borders todae to watch marchtwelve play. and, thank you, again. ill see you on monday if time permits. these break-up songs make sense again and I really wish they didn't. sinatra's singing summer wind and I'm thinking of the night we met. just one last time can I hear you say? "you're my little boy I never want you to go away" where are you? please believe in me. I'm not hanging up the phone 'til I hear you say, "I love you. I need you near." just give me one last chance and I'll never let you down again. oh and what I wouldn't give just to kiss your lips again to hold your hand next to my heart and wake up with you in our apartment.just one last time can I call you my sweetheart??? my best friend why do all good things come to an end. Sunday, December 30, 2001 01:44 a.m. *death on a friday* i often wonder if the silent drive was brought to an end by going forward. now its too silent in here. if only my eyes would open every damn day and see your face, then its good to die on a friday. saturdays will never be the same without you. the gods are holding back the stars i asked for. the black clouds have silver linings. in the words of one of the the greatest band ever... "like the flower needs the rain, you know i need you." Friday, December 28, 2001 11:44 a.m. *past the fences and far away* todae was kinda nice. even the chilly weather did not dampen the mood. its the seperation that did. never have i seen anything look so beautiful even though it's flying in a blue dream. the measly bumps on your forehead are nothing but lovely. the greatest gift ever given to a vagabond is to be made to feel like as if everywhere with you is home. so little time so much to say. so little moments so much to remember. trust me when i say ive got you imprinted in my mind. there are certain things that happens that leaves a scar in your life, but this scar is worth carrying around with my head held up high. giving a lot and taking a little is better than nothing at all. i could hear the echoing in the left, but this time its never ever gonna leave through the right. i should be deinstitutionalised from you. you of the meek of sound. i of the morning now burn. marchtwelve @ YP todae, 28/12/01 , 0800pm. bring your swords and impale me. Friday, December 28, 2001 01:06 a.m. *my eyes, through my eyes* i wish i was blind. that i coudlnt see things that i know belongs to everyone but me. that i couldnt read, so i dont hafta feel your pain. that i couldnt see the pain your going through. being blind is a blessing. its a fucking gift everyone should cherish. ill trade everything i have now just to do so. or maybe im asking for the world. or maybe its not the fact that i can see, but the fact that whatever it is i see always sticks to my mind. i wish i had teflon memory. so nothing will stick to it. i have this problem of reliving everything that has passed. ill be a good snake if i was an animal. photo-fucking-graphic memory. of schtick like that. like your always in LALA-land. inanimate is the right way. nothing comes in, nothing comes out. cos giving makes you lose yourself in the process. i have lost a lot. its hard to hide a facade that is written in your forehead. pain is beautyful. beaty is pain. so does everything that is correlated with that. i wish of to many a thing. every little part of me resides in the oblivious truth that nothing lasts forever. love is just a freaking word. and so is humanity.but there is something that puts meaning into words. something that makes things come alive with such an aura that blossoms till we all die. help me find that and ill go blind for you. please.. thanks, whorever you are, who signed my gb. please dont play this game ever again. ive never been to the playground for quite some time, and i dont ever wanna be there again. die. Thursday, December 27, 2001 02:06 a.m. *horoscope* wanna give you an insight on my so called future. from now till feb. A new female or gay friend is about to walk into your life before Feb and change your life. You're more in demand than ever before, but take care not to overextend yourself. It's important to set a fresh target before the New Year arrives. 2002 promises to be a year of great personal achievement, provided you stay focused. Perhaps it's time to update your résumé and look for ways to aspire to great future things. now how sad is that uh.. Thursday, December 27, 2001 01:32 a.m. *in the light of things to come* things i discovered this christmas - finally found the true meaning of the phrase "nothing lasts forever" - im a sucker for cute chicks - i love to hurt myself - i dwell too much in the past - im becoming an imsomniac, and needs at least 2 pops of the sleepy tab to fall asleep - id do anything for anyone close to the place i call my home.. - i love my new guitar - i need somebody to share things with. i had fun at instinct. i had fun with you, and you, and you. . . Wednesday, December 26, 2001 01:44 a.m. *tranquilizers* im dead beat. but im still having insomnia. i dont know why. ive already downed 2 blues ones. i love your voice. or maybe i just love the whole notion of it. the one where i literally tighten the noose on my neck. maybe in into the whole pain thingy. maybe im addicted to it. im looking through myself in a mirror. just finished jamming with marchtwelve. we will rock you out. one more thing, this are for the pple who bitch abt my band and plainsunset saying stuff that the local music scene is dying and the cause is us, because of the fact that we are playing in most gigs. here's my 2 cents worth, fuck you! i mean, if only you pple come out of your little shells and actually make efforts to bring out your band, then things will be different. for my bands case, we started doing our own gigs, and the fact that we did our own gig organising commitee amongst our group of friends, namely the rockstar collective. ps dared to venture out. stop bitching too much and try doing your own gigs, i dare you. if no one asks your band to play, do your own fucking gigs then like what we did! we are just lucky the wakemeup music took interest in us, thats all. and in singapore local music scene there's no such thing as sell out, cos there's nothing to sell out too! so fuck you. Monday, December 24, 2001 12:11 a.m. *How Long is the Night* oh fucking hell. now it continues. i need something new. something will stop me from thinking of this. i need to go shopping. shopping always does alot to me. makes me think lesser abt things that affect myself. makes me go wild but in a subtle way. more of like 'escape' therapy. i wanna be like houdini. i like the way of how the light tries to enter my room. i cldnt sleep well last night. whenever i close my eyes everything comes in. and its getting more and more crowded up there. i was scared that if i sleep, i might wake up tomorrow when the gig is all over. i have had dreams of me playing onstage.. where in my guitar strings will feel like rubber, so does the neck. then im always wearing something funny, odd. and all the chords i play will be jumbled up. funny. im always like the control freak in the band. something from thursday Can you see the handwriting on the walls And on the autumn leaves that call "What are we gonna do?" The trees are giving up on us The needle and the thread Won't stitch us to the branch And the night never ends I'm falling down And you're not here to break my fall I shut my eyes when you're around I hold my breath to kill the sound of your voice I'm falling down. And you're not here to break my fall. Sunday, December 23, 2001 01:34 p.m. *bitch slap me* i feel so goddamn tired. work is getting in me. so does everything else. i pray i do not go insane. sometimes i think im just a short distance from it. all i could hear now is the sound of the aircon buzzing sweet softly trying to put me to sleep. but i wont. i need my yellows and blue. i need more. dont read thsi if you think its depressing. dont visit here anymore if you think this is pathetic. how i wish i could please you but i cant, and i wont. fuck you. sometimes i think what i have makes you angry/sullen. if only you knew how much i would LOVE to trade places with you. hey guess what, come here and show me how its done. im happy for you. try role reversals. the old guitar strings looks like it could do it. its so damn tasty that i could feel its wrapping uses. oh fuck you. Sunday, December 23, 2001 02:14 a.m. *its just emotions* i think im pushing it this time. its so goddamn heavy and the pain it will cause if it overturns.. but i guess im used to that. shouldnt have made it a point to see what you were. help me. its getting crowded inside here. all at one shot. all at one moment. im doing things that im not supposed to do. im feeling things im not supposed to feel. fuck you dr. feelgood. this red piece of muscle that they say is capable of miracle is lacking something even a miracle couldnt do. from red to blue. from blue to black. then it all drops. make a bet on me that i will still pick up the pieces and try to make believe of what was there. im pushing it too far. this is how it feels to wear the mark of hurt. so go on, bombard me with your anger. its still an emotion. i crave for this simple necessities. a photo the size of a kiss, a kiss in the shape of a bullet yes im at work writing all these. with the system's crappy '95. i should be working but i guess im gonna sleep soon. take a breather. take a breather for dear life. my back problems are back. i should book for my physio again. maybe can hook up wif godd 'ol bob'o. ill rock you out this monday. it wont be like any other day. its my day. its my day to laugh/cry/sigh/smile/fall. underline the ones you dont wanna see. Friday, December 21, 2001 12:56 a.m. *my pencil.* went to meet the guys and gals yesterday. celebrated shidah's bday at r.e.a.l. cafe. we had the place for ourselves. after that went to lau pa sat to have satay. man.. really looking forward to the INSTINCT gig.. .. .. i hope you can be there to see me play. or just being there will be fine for me. alone. not with him. not with them. cos i need to see how you look like alone. oh well. maybe im just daydreaming. now that i remember i used to dream alot abt pple stealing my pencil. and i will talk in my sleep often,,... saying 'give me back my pencil'... .. now i see teh significance in it. im always looking for sumthing. but as always that certain sumthing does not belong to me. it always has to be so darn diffucult to find sumthing i cld call my own. even a goddamn pencil does not bring any simplicity in it. oh well. life as a zero. Sunday, December 16, 2001 11:46 p.m. *nothing's made sense for a long time now* i think i anticipate too much. i think i presume to much. i think by saying this i AM presuming too much. i think i should stop trying. i think im just faking it. im an escapist. to where, im not sure. but i noe i bounce back to the same frequency that pulled me down to my knees. time didnt matter at all but it was the effect that did. the voice comes in and stays, no matter how much i want it to leave and make way for new ones. but i guess there aren't that many new ones. anything is good. scavenger i am. you can rebound on me, and thank you for it, cos i love it. i love the way you insert the coin in and turn that flimsy knob around just so you could do it again and again, over and over. spare change always go down smooth. looking at you was all i could do, and now you have to leave. the book is open for you to read... take care of it and close it nicely after you're done with it cos i want it to be still intact after the evaluation. tear a page if you will but try not to make it to obvious. i presume too much, yes. but all i did was to .... you., so was that a wrong thing to do? Friday, December 14, 2001 02:49 p.m. *pratical nothing* im officially on the 4th day of my annual leave. so fast. will be going back to work on the 17th. anyway just came back home. bought earrings and md's. to all of you who saw me todae, she is not the date i was talking about. anyway most of you couldnt be bothered. the real fun starts tomorrow. heh. the real mc coy. hopefully everything goes well. cos she's such a busy person. haha. will be jamming with marchtwelve this fri.. so exited about the new 'braid-ish' song we are doing. funny part was the song was written in my workplace while doing night duty last month. hehe. actually wrote two songs while doing ND but i think will have to do with one. will try to play the next new song at the afghan refugees gig @ YP on the 28th. man. im so scared i burn out. with work and music.. i think my mom bought me a CANON PowerShot G2 Digital cam... cos i saw the shopping bag wif the manual inside.. hehe. pray pray pray... i want a new life for a christmas present. someone please help me buy one?? . . . . i had fun todae. i dont see the need to explain my actions. im not out to please everybody. Thursday, December 13, 2001 12:31 a.m. *indemnity* working now. doing my last night duty, then from todae onwards, ill be on my annual leave. but im broke.. so im like currently living on the edge now. bought too many things. a lot of new 'toys' now. its fun tyring to relieve your childhood acts of getting as much toys as u possibly can, only this time my definition of toys are guitar related stuff, and im using my own dough to get those stuff. bought a new guitar gadget a last sat, just a few hours before jamming with marchtwelve. its a BOSS DualOverdrive. damn phat and warm sound. bought this guitar strap with locks as well. hhmm.. and just got an email from swee lee that my dream distortion will be arriving next week... just after buying a new one., shit. oh well,.. might as well. anyway will be getting bonus this year. attended the stasis gig just now. only bands that were worth seeing were chocolate tiger [reminds me alot of the pumkins..], moods, PRU [ the thai band.. ] and of course, pension state. after that i rushed for work. saw sissels at the gig. pale as usual. and of course,.. saw lotsa lotsa bouncy boobs.. i mean beautiful girls,. heh. ok, now ill have all the feminist blaring behind me for saying that statement,.. but who gives a fuck anyway. its a fair world.. i presume. dont tell me girls do not oogle at guys. hah. and one more thing.. not for the faint of heart .. .. .. COALESCE is back!!!!! gonna get me the new tshirt. hahah. this is so awesome. sean ingram and the boys are back to create more mayhem./ i need a life. badly. oh. and Return to Fall has just released their album. ive got mine. have you got yours????? Monday, December 10, 2001 03:54 a.m. *for the love of god* just came back 2 hrs ago.. went to town. was alone most of the time. went to buy the .. (gasp!) G3 vcd. thats the cd that those 3 guitar wankers (vai, johnson and satriani) played in. haha. was funny. just finished watching it. anyway met jon c and his lovely girlfren over at starbux for coffee. then went to meet wan for awhile b4 heading over to sleven to meet sham, who happened to be wif joyce and daniel. then they left so men sham were left. hah. talked abt everything. guitars, girls, poser and losers. haha. was fun. now the shitty part.. im due for night duty again later. but after that im on my annual leave for 7 days... so if u guys are reading this.. give me a call next week.. im all yours.. hopefully my so called date wif my ex school mate from cck will happen. haha. but i doubt it. its nice to be single but it gets lonely sometimes. sometimes only. its nice to be single when you're earning your own keeps.. Friday, December 7, 2001 04:00 a.m. *red special* got my guitar last sat. chop chop. hehe. damn happy. now got new guitar... which will make my guitar collection.. 4 whoop-ass guitars. hehe. so glad. was kinda cheap as well.. so still looking at the guitar thouroughly.. i mean its like $1500US. and i got it for like.. well.. ard half the price. or even less. hehe. but nonetheless... its my new baby and nobody can change that. hhahaa. thanks to dewi for not really scrutinising my new baby.. see it in action at the INSTINCT event at Sentosa on the 24th of dec. marchtwelve and sheree's closet (both me!!!) plus other bands like plainsunset, dyfectra, 59minutes, my squared circle.. and sum other band. will also have some hip hippirs (heh) and to wrap it up will be drum n bass/trance/trip hop shit. so be there. Monday, December 3, 2001 11:59 p.m. *new baby* ok. here's the guitar i decided to get for this end of the year gig at sentosa. hehe. i noe. vanity is man's worst sin, and im a sinner. wanna use this as my main guitar for marchtwelve, so i can rest my ibanez for my upcoming project. the brand is HAMER .... its quite a not so popular brand of guitar amongst guitarist here.. but what the heck. its got goddamn f-holes!!!.. and its not a hollow body. it solid.. so it can be used wif overdrive/distortion. model is Newport Pro . . . i noe. sounds like a brand of ciggies. hehe. selling at yamaha music city at PS. actuallu thought of getting an ESP VIPER. but its too ex and not available in singapore unless u order.. which means extra money. sigh. Saturday, December 1, 2001 04:40 p.m. *meeting the old* happy bdae numbness... got this from bob's website. cool. If I was an Autobot, I'd be:  fun. Thursday, November 29, 2001 12:36 p.m. *wipe excess away* it aint funny being alone in town, waiting for pple, calling their hp's and nobody is picking up. gives u the feeling that ur so utterly of non-importance to their lives. oh well. i guess im getting used to it. just finished my 3 day night duty. updated some of the pics. well actually placed up 3 new albums. AUG8 , GRIND.CLICK. , and CHRISTIAN. enjoy. gring.click is osme gig at jurong feat. bands like stomping ground, voice out, etc. Sunday, November 25, 2001 02:44 p.m. *formulated disaster* it irritates me the most when pple do not associate me with thing i usually put my whole self in. to be mistaken as a part of sumthing but not really connecting to it. the reference point being made is a mistake and im trying to pick up the so called leftovers of being under the light that which is often referred to as you. its like being part of sumthing yet not knowing nor feeling that u actually exist in that certain domain. its like being the 'p' in psychic. u are seen but not heard. the silent bullshit. and u will be known as the certain something that brings it all down even though u noe how much shillings u put in the slot so the parisian movie will never stop. a picture a size of a kiss. Friday, November 23, 2001 05:30 p.m. *huh???* took a few tests.. thanks to dewi n sham for the adress.. here it goes!..
B>I am 60% Metal-Head. I rock just as hard as the rest of the thrash set, except when no ones looking I like to get down with a little "More than a Feeling." Take the Metal-Head Test at Fuali.com! heheheh Friday, November 23, 2001 09:33 a.m. *the arguement* man. been awhile. just found out rina has a website again. its everything else is pretty. anyway, the sub c anti terrorist gig was a blast. band of the day?.. more like bands of the day.. being anaconda and dyfectra. rawtones sucked and they noe it. pug jelly was good. and gen 69 had the most amazing drummer. really tight sets by the band (cept for rawtones). bought the 2 envy full length album as well. thanks to jon c for keeping the copies for me. this is envy from jap. the real power violence. 21.11.01 went out to meet wan and dewi. bought fugazi "the arguement", minus "jesuschristbobby" and v/a "plea for peace/take action" compilation. went to eat at taka, then played pool at cine'pleasure'. hehe. wanna get this nautica jeans at royal at taka. real nice. straight cut.. might get it later. anyway will be on night shift from thurs-sat. shitty... but a night shift on weekend means extra money. hehe. i also just got news that we will be getting a one time bonus this month.. i think im like really lucky not to be affected by the whole economy crisis.. but our year end variable bonus(not the 13th mth. 13thm is seperate) has been reduced from 50% of a months salary to 25%... i guess i really shouldnt be complaining bout this since im lucky to have a job now.. i pray hard that pple like amran and dewi do get a job soon... just heard from gerald that shereen's closet will be playing for the xmas gig at sentosa... hope that march12 gets a slot as well (hint hint). hehe. time to engross myself wif good music. 01:40 a.m. just found out from my mom that.. my grandma has cancer.. cancer of the kidney, lungs and pancreas... i feel so hopeless now.. maybe i shld accept that fact. or maybe i shld just dun think abt this. or maybe.. im over-reacting.. oh man. this is bad. so sudden.. . .i wish i was by her side now. if only the doctors cld tansfuse her sickness to me.. if only... sigh Thursday, November 22, 2001 01:21 a.m. *a sun that never sets* been a while. played for the cranberries launch at father flannigans.. (shain called me last nite and said that this show called upwardly mobile or sumthing like that feat that event on their show last nite on the telly.. hhmm..) .. .. went to the garage a few days back to see ps play. they did this new song. after that hung out wif the guys at padang./ yesterday went to meet shain n lutfi and proceeded to swee lee factory.. i bought this metal slide(half size).. even though a few days back i just bought a glass slide.. tee hee// oh. and they are selling the ebow for like $160.. which i think ill be getting next week.. shld be fun. will get the line 6 delay end of the month.. will have a whole lotta new arsenals for guitar playing.. currentlu listening to neurosis, furtherseemsforever, saves the day(new album) and rival schools. enjoying my two days off now... sunday will bounce to substation for the subc to catch anaconda and dyfectra in action.. Friday, November 16, 2001 01:20 p.m. *morning view* jus finished my paperwork.. will be back home in exactly 3 hrs time.. end at 0730 am and will mos prolli be at the comfort of my bed at ard 0900am. still got one more night duty later.. last one. then off,.. then our shot at stardom.. hahaha. anyway its freezing cold here.. was listening to the Stockbroker's Consortium and Sub C "3lettersession" comp. all the band are fucking excellent. i really like (ehem..) the song "stronger" by surreal. good thing it didnt have the britney vibe to it. hehe. will be wishing the plainsunset guys for their trip to hongkong this coming thursday. i want my christy cheung pictorial.. hehe. bought the ff cd's lats week : appleseed cast "low level owl: vol 1", incubus "morning view", and the new juliana theory EP and new Neurosis album. still waiting for White Octave to arrive, .. .. .. and really thougth of getting the new Fugazi and this band called "minus" (feat. sugarcubes guitarist. for the uninitiated.. sugarcubes is the band bjork was in before going solo..) who shain claims that sound like refused.. anyway, back to work.. Tuesday, November 6, 2001 05:49 a.m. *serendipity* yesterday went to meet amran:dewi:pul:wan for dinner. then went to watch movie, 'serendipity'. after the dinner, we were joined by syikin and her friend. dewi didnt join us for the movie as she has too ...... heh. wan was sick,.. like a puppy. heh. hope u get better bro. masta of disasta joined us later on wif his bottle of beast. heh. the movie was ok. very sappy kinda movie, wif too many "hanging" points. but the endin was nice.. if it wasnt for pul making me laugh during the ending, i wld have cried. and to amran, just becos i laughed doesnt mean im not a romantic.. *wink* hehe. kiddin. we ended up at far east after the show to play the "story game". one has to start and the rest will carry on in the most bizzarre way they cld think off. was fun. bumped to my best buddie fro my poly days over there. she was wif her former classmates who where also my friends.. .. .. i hope ur ok and i noe u will be. just take thinkgs a step at a time. was nice seein u again baby,.. and looking forward to wed.. .. .. we jammed on fri, and todae we are jamming again. heh.. the way we are doing the cover songs ... hahaha. and sumthing really beautiful arised from the jamming.. we learned that madnor was a bigger cranberries fan than all of us combined. hehe. fun. me had like 3 off days this week. cool. ill be jamming wif shereen's closet tomorrow,.. .. .. then go to werk. yes. night shift nursy on duty tomorrow. hahaha. i love fortunate accidents. Saturday, November 3, 2001 01:27 p.m. *stepping stone* its been awhile. hhmm. alot of thing goin on my mind as of late. first is abt my grandma's condition. my folks went back to see her.. and to supposedly settle sum stuffs. sigh./ bad times. do u really look at me like a punching bag... or more of like a thing to talk to pass time and to forget your sorrows?.. cos i cld feel it whenever we are together. im like the rebound kinda person.. i guess that's what im good for. i just hope u grow up and learn your lesson. there are somethings we try hard to look for,.. but sumtimes we dont really need to look far and beyond. and most of the times we dont even have to look. just be happy that your sufferings have ended. if only u cld look through me and figure out the things i think abt. u guys shld watch 'crazy/beautiful'. its such a bloody good movie i'll give it 4kleenexboxes outta 5. heh. but here's the tip: watch it wif ur love ones, or alone. nuff said. went to jam wif unvisual todae.heh. was the stand-in basserist. haha. then had dinner at newton. and to wan: its ok u never called. im not angry. we will have a blast on the 8th. tata. Monday, October 29, 2001 12:39 a.m. *borrowing more time* my grandma is dying. i want to be by her side when she breaths her last,.. but i think it wld be impossible as it is quite hard for me to get leave. . . unless i opt for a no-pay leave. i guess i'll apply for a NPL. she brought me up. and according to my relatives there, she mentioned my name before she got hospitalised. im so scared to see her. cos i wld want to remember her as the jovial person she was before those stupid doctors there placed her under the knife. im so scared to face the reality. im scared that she is waiting for me and that once im there she wld finally go. im so scared of everything now. pple are leaving me left and right. i wish i cld wif all my knowledge stop this from happening but on a more reality orientated note i noe i cldnt. i remember how she used to cook for me noodles when i was young, and how she wld always remind me that im their first grandson and how i shld make them proud of me. if only i cld give her a few years of my life which i dont need/deserve at all. but the reality is there is nothing i cld do.... Wednesday, October 24, 2001 10:36 p.m. *after the movies...* just woke up. yesterday turned out like one of those days u wished wld never end. what mattered most what that pple who actually mattered in my life where there. thats what made it so much fun. as usual, soundcheck for M12 was sucky.. heh. shereen closet's soundcheck was ok though. anyway, mysquaredcircle opened the gig. they were awesome as usual. full of young energy. the song nintendo was great. shain and the boys were obviously having so much fun onstage. after that was my turn wif shereen's closet (me played for town bands, shereen's and m12) was really feeling the jitters. i think i made a fool of mystage onstage but then again i think i just mobed myself wif the music. hehe. we did 4 songs only. oh well. next up was gloria. driving songs. woo hoo. surreal was up. they kinda like remind me of bands like rivermaya and braid. jon chiong and i made a pact that we should both jump.. wait.. no.. FLY to prove that fat pple can fly. hahha. and fly he did. too bad i was in the toilet when he flew.. or else i cld have shouted "fly fat boy.. FLY!!!!" hehe. uncle joe came next. i really like the dynamics of this band. next was.. hehe. us again. m12. i really thought that after uncle joe there will be a intermission. funny. so dewi ended up having to page for me onstage. haha. which i think wasted alot of our time. sheesh. oh well. we had fun onstage. i jumped too. hehe. next was whence he came./ live is their forte. really lively set. return to fall was next. as usual, still very tight and good. haha. plainsunset gave a very energetic set which got some idiots up their feet and trying to be all aggro and stuff. gave a few hard knocks to them. haha. ended up at fu zhou coffe shop/ hehe. went back home. this kinda things should never end at all. thanks for coming down. it was really good seeing u again. just take everything in stride and all will be well. Monday, October 22, 2001 01:33 p.m. *stock guide* just came back home. played at insomnia for the launch of the compilation cd 'stockbrockers consortium'. sumthing like that. played wif soul attention, uncle joe and whence he came. i think we screwed it up. really. forgot most of my part, we screwed an entire song, and we sounded like shit. compared to the other bands, i felt like ... we were sucky. for the first time my nightmare abt being onstage almost became a reality, cept for the part where my guitar strings became rubber. hah. anyway, have one more gig later at NUS. sub c. hhmm. i really need sleep. cos im tired. just had 3 hrs of sleep todae as i just finished my night shift this morning. really drained out. hopefull will have more for tomorrow. hopefully. i feel like someone is choking the life out of me. the one life of music that i really treasure. if i made u feel bad then im sorry. didnt mean it. i think i just got to serious at one point of time. or maybe what im doing now .. is not really what i SHOULD be doing. maybe im not doing it for myself. i dunnoe. i hope u can help me find a way. Sunday, October 21, 2001 12:16 a.m. *the truth will not be denied.* dont be there just cos i told you or i want you or everyone else-is-doing-it-so-why-not-you-too. i hate you. i hate your company. i hate the fact i hate you. if only i dont believe in forever. or even if i only dont believe in anything at all. u make me feel like questioning myself if whatever im doing now is for my own, or to please your sorry assess. you say the words that dont mean a thing. you say the words that make me feel i dont need myself. the things pertaining to my being a being. i wish i cld satb you and run u down like the animal you really are. i wish i wish i wish. i wish u didnt appear at all,.. or maybe im hoping for the wrong things.. maybe i should hope for me to end,. i wish i didnt wasted all my words. you noe what im gonna say next. Saturday, October 20, 2001 01:59 p.m. *i still love the strawberries like i used to* did i really just wasted your time bacck then?. let u in on a little sumthing, u were my time back then. fuck you and ur nonsense. ok wait,.. now im feeling it coming.. feeling that someone will sign my gb and tell me off for being so goddamn 3letterish. haha. go ahead. cos in a whiles time, there will be nothing left to laugh abt. cos it will be all over. if im not mistake todae was the day that the strawberries started blooming. and they were red/pinkish as ever. hah. i hope u dont get cold over there. taste the snow for me and tell me how it feels disintegrating in ur tongue. brush ur hair aside. Friday, October 19, 2001 04:45 p.m. *are you listening* really hyped up for the gigs this weekend. sat at insomnia then sun at nus.. the biggie. will be working night duty later. starts at 0900pm and ends at 0730am. sucky cos of the long hours.. long hours of nothing. sigh. good thing my workplace has a guitar.. so wont be really bored. maybe can come out with new tunes. sic but i guess thats the way to pass time. so if any of you guys are reading this pls give me a call on my mobile later at nite .. hehe. then wont be so bored. thanks for calling last nite. it wasnt that bad after all. ill hear your voice later. 2305hrs :: heh. blogging at werk now. haha. me doing lotsa computer werk for the ward. will be having my break later at 12. hungry like fuck. luckily brought along food from home. home cook stuff man. will be finishing off a song... well... more of like a riff i came up with yesterday at work. most probably later after my meal. its always nice to have guitar at work. one of my staff is a matrocker.. so he bought along his yamaha acoustic guitar from work. my officer is doing painting outside. haha. funny to see him in a singlet, white shorts (tuck in) black socks almost knee high and his black shiny shoes. hahaha. so cute ah the bugger. looks like onf the patients now. hahahahah. ok. me gonna go wear my slippers nows and read henry rollins till my mealtime. supper. hhmm... like i said above.. u all free call my hp after 1am pls. hahaha. Wednesday, October 17, 2001 04:47 p.m. *spacecorps*  so im actually like this in my next life. and plus my surname means 'five' in spanish. haha. so ironic Sunday, October 14, 2001 11:53 p.m. *one down, two to go* todae was a blast. played acoustic @ Mr. B's. was more of like a close friends kinda gig. everybody there was someone that mattered dearly. haha. anyway, got some screw ups, but it was kinda ok. thanks to everyone who came down. 2 more gigs left for this month, 20th oct @ insomnia, 21st oct @ NUS. cant hardly wait. dun think will have anymore jamming, as my schedule is quite tight. wed to fri ill be doing night shift. haha. finally,... 'night shift nurses' comes alive. haha. blergh. hehe. im so happy. basking in the aura of the gig. but wonder how long will this last. back to square one. take me up there so i wont hafta bath in ur ashes. Sunday, October 14, 2001 12:57 a.m. *im still smiling* 'im still smiling'. that was the last sms i got from the most respectable and love person in our group. take care dude. our music will reach you. Monday, October 8, 2001 10:17 a.m. *.....of the.....* yesterday has been a pretty long day. work. went to meet wan. met dewi. took the pictures from taka of marchtwelve. heh., we have our mini 'newfoundglory' photo. all jumping.. well not all.... cos dewi n rony werent. at hereen bumped into an old memory. just a fading one perhaps. perhaps perhaps perhaps. met shidah. went to selera for makan. crappy springroll. shit. wasted dough on that. visited brennan for awhile at starbucks. didnt get to talk to him though. then off to insomnia. somehow the feeling of emptyness sets off the old yearning for that something that never was. maybe we are doing this to ourselves, or maybe we are just set out to be in this predicament and live this life with an insatiable feeling for desire which we noe we cant get. ill miss you bro. thanks for all the storey. ill see you soon. Saturday, October 6, 2001 11:13 a.m. *pull me over* the drowning incident was so real i could swear i felt my face was wet. i tried pulling u out of the water, which was suprisingly on knee deep. yet u were drowning. the water made our hands wet but i grab you wif both. i thought you were really gonna go down. then i woke up and realised the watery feeling were tears and i cried. i hope your fine. i wish i was there. Thursday, October 4, 2001 11:18 a.m. *we owe this moment* im on the verge of losing it. not bcos of work, but bcos of whats happpening to the pple ard me. i just felt like crying jus now on the way back home. thinking abt whats gonna happen in the next few days... plus the news that i heard jus now. i wish i cld cure u all, but i cant. cos i myself am hurting. i wish i cld hold all of u, but i cant, cos i cant even hold myself. i noe this sound very '3letterish'.. but its what im going thru now. i took mc todae i was really sick.. actually has been sick since last monday but just cldnt get rest back then due to work commitments. got a scolding from my family doc cos i took such a long time to actually see him. i was this close to be ing hospitalised again. he said i had viral infection. so the many antibiotics are now in the picture. which i noe i wont take cos im scared. scared because i noe if i take all that crap ill develop sorta like an immunity to it when i grow old. like my grandma whois suffering like hell now. kiddies, taking ur medication all the times doesnt mean ull be healthy for life. sheesh. everything we are doing is on borrowed time. hence, we will always owe this moment. i hope u are gonna be ok. we will be here when u fall. Thursday, October 4, 2001 01:08 a.m. *mood stabiliser* just ended my three day run of working afternoon shift alone,.. and being just the only staff ard. usually there will be 3 staffs every shift, then 2 or three assistant staff. shitty man. but a man has to eat. haha. anyway went to meet wan, sab, akira, mariam and nas at sommerset. dewi was wif them but she left early. went to orchard parade hotel starbucks (now thats a mouthful!). thanks to akira for the free drink. hehe. had me a club cheese sandwich. not bad. talked some cock n bull stuff then decided to go back home. on the way back met my friend who is leaving for paris tomorrow and had supper wif her./ now im at her place writing this shit. tee hee. and tomorrow is recording day. tee hee again. fun fun fun. feel so alive being single on pay day. haha. not. sic. im tired. ill be home later at ard 4plus. will see u guys on the 21st of oct. oh, an pls... dun forget to bring ur ammunitions to fire at me. cos i noe u hate me. dont worry. i hate you too. love. Saturday, September 29, 2001 01:49 a.m. *it has to start some place.* watched RTF and moods @ Mr. B's last sat. moods started the night. they are really awesome. one of the most under-rated bands ever in the local scene. i especially loved akira's guitar work and of course, sabrina's voice ( affectionally known to us as "cikgu"). hehe. nice tight set. after moods, there was some arguements on who to play next as another band (i shall not mention their names, not worth it) wants to play first b4 RTF. they were a band whom ive seen play in pubs and have alot of respect for, but after what they did that night, i lost so respect for them. they are veterans, yes. but they dont act like one. true enough they are good musicians, but they suck at their own band ideals. maybe thats what happens when u get so called "popular". sic. anyway enough of that. RTF managed to play on at ard 1130plus, when about a quarter of the crowd who came to see them has left. but it was worth the wait. i was busy filming the bloody thing, but was having fun at the same time. their set was ... uh.. semi acoustic (as sham was using an electric guitar/amran wif the acoustic guitar). every fucking gig they just get better. im honoured enough to have seen all of their gigs. but this one was personal. and to have out friends singing along wif them was extremely awesome. good shit. esp the last song. u guys noe. thanks for making my saturday happen. hhmm.. sunday. yes. marchtwelve at snakeweed studios. waited for this for so long. well, of course as usual not all came on time. but i was there since 4pm. anyway, we laid out 4 drum tracks... , "punkrock song", "fall", "nothing more", and "brainwashed". awesome. so much fun. and like wan said "we are like a family now".. so true. but i guess every family will have their own problems. hopefully not while we are recording. cos if im pissed i tend to bring it out on my guitar parts. sheesh. anyway all was well that day. saiful came down as well. just came back home from shereen's closet jam. reached snakeweed at ard 4plus, then slept till ard 6pm upstairs till everyone came. went for dinner. wrote a new song. and i heard the 'modified' "fall" drum tracks. awesome. what a genius this leo is. hehe. will be recording this sat if all goes well on schedule. . . . shitty part of the recording comes when the $$ matters arises. id rather not talk abt it here. im dead beat. i need my valiums./ nite nite folks. Monday, September 24, 2001 10:46 p.m. *system overloaded* so many things happened since my last entry.. the US attack for one. so many innocent pple perished. personally, i dont have any remorse to US cept for the family left behind by the victims. how much of a cruel thing it is to actually attack a place at 9am in the fucking morning?.. oh well. i just hope its not really a religious war like most pple and the news says. i guess its more of a stance againts globalisation and capitalism. oh well whatever nevermind. last thurs maddy organised a movie outing cos its amy off day. pple who came were june, jon, aj, sham, ann, maddy and amran. was so fun. we went to watch "the animal". slapstick comedy to its fullest. hehe. then only yesterday, we went to maddy's place for a supposedly game of monopoly, but it was more like monopolising our livers due to excessive drinking of that white stuff i call sayang. hahah. vodka. anyway, me looking forward to evrything that is coming towards marchtwelve. sigh. i hope evrything turns out alright. oh yah. oct 21st NUS cc is the "3letter sessions". feat. marchtwelve, return to fall, shereen's closet, plain-fucking-sunset, gloria, surreal, my squared circle, and if im not wrong "whence he came" will also be playing. they are from hongkong. they are like braid-meets-tguk. nuff said. now im gonna start surfing for new things to order once pay come in. haha. im like officially broke now, and i still wanna buy a wireless system for my guitar and an E-bow. so if anyone out there noes where to get a cheap E-bow pls let me noe. a minute of silence for all those innocent lives taken away on 11/9. i just hope their rulers wake up and start to realise that being the last remaining super-power of the world does not make u incvincible. and remember it took low-tech means. Sunday, September 16, 2001 10:55 p.m. *system overloaded* so many things happened since my last entry.. the US attack for one. so many innocent pple perished. personally, i dont have any remorse to US cept for the family left behind by the victims. how much of a cruel thing it is to actually attack a place at 9am in the fucking morning?.. oh well. i just hope its not really a religious war like most pple and the news says. i guess its more of a stance againts globalisation and capitalism. oh well whatever nevermind. Sunday, September 16, 2001 10:55 p.m. *this is what its like to be alone* i hve to be blunt im starting to like you but be glad to noe that u will never noe abt this as i dun want to hurt you and myself cos ive been through this motion before and situatiions like this makes it hard for me to walk cos i usually trip and fall down and no one helps me to get up cept for myself but i guess its ok cos im so used to it. my diguise is the opposite of this and i noe im confused cos ive never been able to make myself smile whenever your around so i guess this is just one of those things where i subconsciously try to hurt myself and i think im getting a kick out of doing this i dont ever wanna be really in a position i hafta make a judgement call its so damn bloddy hard to see straight. i love to be this person who is alway on the background. strawberries falls like trees that never had the chance had to turn to the other side of tragic dazzled you and still i had to turn away. had to turn to the other side of myself, looks on top, destroy this way. use to be so close, use to be near,.. it hurts to feel. remember all time love, doesnt it feel good ..... ??? Tuesday, September 11, 2001 12:49 a.m. *courage was confused* too many things. jammed wif marchtwelve. starting to sound like a band again. but i fucked up the md recording. hehe. put the plugs on the wrong socket. shit. now having a fucked up sore throat.. . work is killing me. what was left of me. sic. gig @ ayer rajah cc. stompingground/voiceout. superb set by both bands. still got lotsa pics to put up. shit. time is limited now. dinner wif dewi/wan/msguys and friends at TJ TJ TJ. not hooker, though i wld love to do dat one of these days. shit rules. ur boyfriend sucks. saw u standing/sitting. ur friends suck. saw u looking. u make me feel sucky/sad. between you and me, i melt wif you. they dont understand the bitter strings of regret. ill stop the world and melt wif you. no sensitivity, sweetness. To our friends in the great white north, midwester stylings acoustic. hey, wanna throw up? your the third part in our tragedy. . . i wld like a place i cld call my own, have a conversation on the telephone. to wake up everyday, that wld be a start, i wld not complain of my wounded heart. in spite of this, there are stars above my bed. look at me, im not you. who is saving us now? oh well, we will figure it out. i want my kisses back from you. Monday, September 10, 2001 12:46 a.m. *drummer wanted* hhmm. just came back from work. life is beggining to be a routine. a chaotic one though. heh. anyway, main idea for writing an entry tonite is to adverstise something. LOOKING FOR A DRUMMER WHO IS INTERESTED TO PLAY IN A BAND IN THE VEINS OF(hehehe...) CONVERGE/DROWNINGMAN/BOTCH.. and early cave in. THIS IS A FUN BAND. NO POLITICS, NO PRESSURE, NO SCOLDINGS WHEN JAMMING, and best of all... pure enjoyment. hehe. jus email me at khdeft@hotmail.com thanks. i hope u got what i meant. tee hee. already have a basser and 2 guitarreerr.. hehe. vocaler next time dah when the songs all done. hehe. we need a DRUMMIST!!!! Monday, September 3, 2001 11:16 p.m. *my squared circle* its been a long time since i last did this. been really busy trying to adjust wif my job. and trying to get rid of my past ghost. u fuckers dunnoe noe anything abt me so dont assume things. and if u wanna diss me in my website, pls have more balls than that. u seem to have alot of things to say abt me, why dun u tell me urself? or at least have the cohones to reveal urself. but if i were u id be scared to do that to. cos u dunnoe me when im pissed. or maybe ud like to find out. i noe exactly what u meant, so im figuring ur someone whom i was close to. and i think i noe who the fuck u are. at least this friends of mine do not backstab me like u and ur kind do. all those values that u are so proud abt cos ur in a position wherein this values are supposed to be practised, but only amongst ur stupid selves. pls grow up. i had. maybe i noe why ur so bitter against me. i dun have anything to prove or show to you, cept maybe my middle finger. go get a life. and a proper one. not one that is full of lies and hypocrisy. fuck you. anyway enough of that. getting more n more white hair thinking abt all this shit. anyway my squared circle jus had their first ever live set gig at changkat cc. they were good. u guys better check em out. their set was very ... lost. all of them were already "lost". hehe. very good set (although i fucked up the song they i sang for them) heh. went to rtf jam. anyway had fun wif chilling out wif dewi n shidah yesterday. took pics too. heh. fun fun fun/. single life is the shit. rather be single for now. hahahha. anyway im happy uve found something special. Monday, September 3, 2001 12:58 a.m. |