For those who enjoy stalking me, go here. It's my other diary. The one I'll be writing in until this one is fixed up.
- Lau
I am a giant mutant kitten. Not strange at all.
Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I need a new layout. And I need to get ahold of Tanya. But I have to make Steph's RealtyUSA site. And that one for that other big official person. And that portfolio thing for that other guy.
I also need to stop being in such a pissy mood. Of course, I have every right to be in a pissy mood, but that's completey besides the point.
Fuck. I need somebody to talk to. Everybody that I could talk to, is either involved in the situation that I want to talk about, or to close to the people who are involved.
This fuckin sucks.
I wish I could tell you how I feel...
What Planet Are You From?
this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim
A dreamer is your type. Seen as "not quite
there", you see things that few do. You
make people think, and your friends turn to you
for insight.
A different quiz, what strange type of person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're a Vampire!! Seductive, beautiful,
mysterious, and quite evil. You're very dark
and dangerous.. You kill to feed, and prey upon
the most unsuspecting and beautiful people you
can find...
What Fantasy Race Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Horus, egyptian god of the sky. You lived to revenge your father against Seth, who betrayed and slew him. You defeated him after an 80 year struggle, losing an eye in the process, and then castrated him when you won. You got your eye back, but you gave it to your father, Osiris. How sweet.
What Egyptian Deity are you? go to:the quiz!
Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
your eyes show unhappiness
which eye are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
your eyes show love
which eye are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
vampirella
Which Sexy Comic Book Woman Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I've made lots more blends and stuff. And I'm too lazy to get the links to all of them. So to see them, go here. Click on a picture on the left to see it on the right.
Leave me lots of wonderful comments ^_^
Some more blends. And I still haven't slept.
3 * 4
All my blends are done with atleast 2 pictures, and normally no more than 4. They are all (mostly) sized 400x300 with a 72bit resolution. If you would like one, leave a note in my comment box.
.o0(The comment box for this entry won't be up until later, so either leave notes in the last comments box, or the guestbook)
Some blends I made:
1 * 2
The first one I'm entering in a Blends Contest at TOD. So if you get the chance, go here on July 10 and vote for me. I'm Nemesis, by the way.
And now, I must go finish my sweetheart's story. And go to sleep. Because it's 4:44am .o0(make a wish!).
But of course, that's 4 hours and 44 minutes of birthday goodness. Weeeee!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
Yeah, so I'm back. Woo.
The camping trip was...interesting. I guess. Me and Lowell turned into everybody's slaves. And Wally and Pete were determined to turn Lowell into an alcoholic. They got him to drink one beer, but that's about it. I hate beer, myself. So does he, but he drank one for them. Pete wanted to get me drunk, but my mother didn't approve. Even when she was drunk off wine, herself. After only one glass. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. Anyways, that has nothing to do with why I wrote. I wrote to vent. Why? Because. Because right now, I feel like locking myself in my room for...I don't know..somewhere around the rest of my life. Give or take a few decades. Screw my birthday, screw my family, screw my plans, everything. I just want to lock myself in my room, and not talk to anybody.
Yeah, you guessed it, Lowell and I got in a fight. I think this is the first time I've actually been truly pissed at him.
Okay. So my parents do a lot of stupid fuckin things. They do alot of things just to piss people off and make them go through hell. Well, this weekend, we forgot to bring Lowell's blow up mattress, so he had to sleep on the ground (in a tent of course). Well, it wasn't just my parents fault. It was sitting in the table. Yeah, my parents could have grabbed it, but I could have too. We all forgot. But he's blaming it on my parents. Yeah, they're assholes, but for once they didn't do it on purpose. And hell, I cherish the moments when they fuck up and don't actually mean it. The day after we got there, they still traveled out to 2 stores looking for a mattress for him, but they couldn't find one. They didn't do it on purpose.
Also, we had a thunderstorm the other night. Well, my Uncle Walter brought a little pup-tent for Lowell, so that he didn't have to bring his. He helped him set it up and everything. He didn't have to bring it, he offered. Well, during the Thunderstorm, the tent leaked, and Lowell got wet. So he was pissed about that, today. First of all, he could have come in our tent. No, he didn't know that. But he could have. We didn't expect him to just sit in the rain. And nobody expected it to rain, nobody frickin made it rain, so if there's anybody to be pissed at, be pissed at the god damned rain! Not my parents. He should be thankful that my Uncle brought it for him. Well, before he left (which was today, the same day we left, but about 2 hours before) he didn't take the tent down. I though he just forgot. But he told me when I got home, that he just didn't feel like it. Which irked me, because my Uncle was kind enough to bring it up for him, and help him set it up and everything. Lowell used it for 3 nights, yet he wouldn't take the 5 or 10 minutes to take it down. That made me really mad. If he had forgot, I wouldn't have minded at all. But he didn't feel like it? That's pretty rude. Granted, my parents were assholes throughout the weekend, but my uncle and my cousins didn't do anything except show him a good time. It's common courtesy to take it down. But instead, my uncle had to do it.
Also, his tent was on a rock. He was mad about that too. Which he has no right to be, because me, my mom, and my dad said that he could move it. I even offered to help him. But he said no. And it wouldn't have taken long, because it was only a little pup-tent. He tried to tell me that he went to go do it and nobody helped. But he never even went near it after we told him that. He just said "No, I'm fine, I just sleep to the side, it's just when I roll over" or something to that effect. So he has no right to get mad about that.
Also, he said that by me saying things like "I feel like I can't do this anymore" or something along those lines, I make him feel like shit. Well fine, fuck it. I'll keep everything to myself. He said that it comes across that he should be able to do something. How? By me saying "I can't do this anymore" while crying, about how my mom beat the shit out of me? It's fuckin normal! There's a big difference between how it comes across, and how he takes it. He feels guilty for alot of things that aren't his fault, and I completley understand and accept that. But he does not need to throw the my lowest moments back in my face. It royally pisses me off when he throws shit back in my face, especially when I didn't do anything wrong.
I love Lowell to death, I really do. And I'm never ever going to leave him. But I have to say, right now, I'm fucking
PISSED
After-thought: If you leave comments and say anything bad about Lowell, I'll kick your fuckin ass.
Just to let everyone know, I'm leaving for the weekend, and I'll be back Sunday. But I prolly won't have time to blog, so I'll write Monday. But I might not have time to write Monday, and Tuesday's my birthday, so I'll write Wednesday. Hopefully.
And guess what? I saw Jared today ^_^ In Wal Mart. Made me happy. And he might be coming to my bday party. I have to give him a call later this week.
Look at me look at me I'm starting to..kinda be social!
FUCK!
My hair is dripping down my back and bothering the hell out of me.
>_
I don't feel like putting in the comments box, so either use the last box, or my guestbook.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Cabbage? What?
But though you're still with me..
I've been alone all along
*sigh*
Fuck.
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies
Disguise yourself
You're living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You. Won't. Stop. Me.
On a lower note.
It seems so...
proper
right
fitting
easy
lifting
appropriate
fatal
scary
hard
weak
strong
wrong
perfect
tainted
loving
hateful
dear
viscious
...
It feels so REAL
17 years. 17 years and it's all nothing. It's a blur, it's a waste, it's all a joke to you. Something you toss around for amusement. It's something you've known, but you never learned, and soon forgot. It's something you love to hate and hate to love and love to fuck with. It's a game you play, it's a heart you break. It's a weakness to make you stronger, it's a ladder you can climb.
But no matter how high you go, you'll never reach the sky.
It's a mind, it's an emotion, it's a life, it's lost. A daughter, a wench. What's the difference? It's all the same to you. But in your mind it's different. Identical yet torn apart. Ripped at the seams and patched together with old worn out cloth. Pieces of your past that you've embedded into my skin.
It's me, it's you, it's everyone but. It's a piece of the future, a piece of the past. A piece of everything you are and everything I wish you were not. A lingering scent of then, a wandering glimpse of now, and the violent fog of the future.
You love me when I'm gone and you wish my life away. You stick a needle through my heart but cry for the blood that's spilled.
You're stepping on my soul but you're far from my heart.
Won't cry..must be happy...must pretend to be happy...
FUCK FUCK FUCK
That makes me feel slightly better. Hm. I'm very manic at the moment. But I'm trying to make myself hyper so I won't breakdown. I can't.
Ah, must shut up. Why'd I even type this? I don't know. I'm only going out of my mind. Not big deal.
No, even.
*sigh*
Out of sheer boredom, I'm making a list of people I would date if I was single, and hadn't found the love of my life. I don't know why. I'm just big on lists.
This is all within reason, though. No celebrities. *pout* And only counting people I know offline.
Here goes: .o0(In no specific order)
1. Lacy
2. Alex
No really, that's it. I'm trying to add to it, but I can't think. Hm. I wouldn't actually date them right now because I'd be afraid of ruining the wonderful friendship I have with them. They're really the only two friends I have left (besides my hunnie) the only two true friends. The only ones who actually care, or listen, or anything. I love them both to death.
But if I had like..met them before, I'd date either of them. There has to be more. I'd think, but I'm using up 90% of my brain to look for that damn moth. It's large. It's very large. And it's going to eat me alive. I swear. *meep*
I just got done playing the Google game. What's the google game, you ask? It's where you go to Google.com, go to advanced search and type in "yourname is" but in the exact phrase area. But you type in your actual name where it says yourname. Yeah. Here's what I came up with O_O;;
Laura is usually right
Rah!
Laura is new
New and improved
Laura is a racist and a total phony
AM NOT!
Laura is full of it
and just what am i full of?
Laura is a big skinny idiot
o_o
Laura is no Hillary
That's why I'm Laura v_v
Laura is hardly a symphathetic martyr
*blink*
Laura is popular
err...no.
Laura is an I.
O_O I was the 'I' in my cookie tap dance when I was 4!
Laura is right!
Usually o_O
Laura is a man
I TOLD YOU I HAVE A PENIS!!!
Laura is keen on sending messages in odd ways
Meep
Laura is born
No way! o_o;;
Laura is my hero....NOT!
Yeah..well...go to hell! *sob*
Laura is dangerous
Noo..I'm SCARY!..But dangerous works too
Laura is hot
*steams*
Laura is melting
I'm just that damn hot
Laura is out at WPTT
?_?
Laura is 'styling'
Wooo..
Laura is really gone
*waves*
Laura is my hero
*beams* Rah!
Laura is our sole survivor
*sings* I'm a surviiiiiivor!
Laura is good
Ha! I have you all fooled!
Laura is glowing
I wish my butt was glowing. .o0(fireflies are taking over my brain)
Laura is back home
errm..kay
Laura is the lesbian Hybrid of Joyce Carol Oates and Danielle Steele
That was rather..random. And who the hell is Joyce Carol Oates??
Laura is New Orleans' oldest candy store
I'm yummy. Wanna lick me? v_V;;
Laura is a facial whore
*blink blink*
Laura is.
is.....?
Laura is away.
Yet I'm here...how sinister.
Laura is trying to swallow Ben's cock
O_O!!
Laura is laura.
I never would have known.
Laura is still here.
What happened to me being away?
Laura is a lovely chick.
Rah, Baby!
Laura is licking her horny opened anal hole
err.......*shivers*
Laura is lusting for you.
Yes. I want you. Rawr!
Laura is tied with her arms over hear head and her ankles together
Kinky, baby.
Laura is a lesbian and fucks chickens
..I have no chickens.
Laura is Lesley's daughter.
MOMMY! o_o
Laura is poetry in motion
Hm. That makes me want to sing.
Laura is dumber than you think
*growls*
Laura is a single Mexican woman from Culican, Sinaloa
Si? .o0(Yo tengo mucha tarea! -_-)
Laura is 7 months old
Baba?
Laura is a 16 year old
But...er..?
Laura is usually hard to find
I am a master of disguise! Arah!
Laura is an independent graphic designer
I feel stalked o_x
Laura is good in bed
But I charge by the hour.
Laura is a chicken fucker
...I still have no chickens.
Laura is a kind, generous, insightful soul
Wee
Laura is studying romanian pussy
o_O;;
Hm. I'm not going to analyze any of that any further. Makes my brain hurt. V_v;;
I'm gonna go start looking up other people's names now. Because I'm just that damn bored. And so I don't go either cry, or rip my mother's head off. And don't ask me what happened, because I feel like being stupid and suppressing it all so it can come back and bite me in the ass later. *nod*
Hm. It's 12:43am. I think I just might log onto MSN.
I'm so fuckin pissed. -sigh- I've tried to write up that damn story for how long now? And everything gets in the way. First, I go all downhill, and nothing comes out right, so I write some, throw it away, write some..throw it away. Then writer's block kicks in. Then when it finally feels like it's gonna go away, I have to a write a whole shitload of essays for school, and don't feel like writing everything else. And now, even though I can't even come up with anything, I get it typed up, and the fuckin computer closes the window on me before I can save it. UGH!
It fuckin pisses me off. Lately, everything I do on the computer, gets all fucked up before I can save it and I'm all screwed over and shit...and yeah. Fuckin nice. I'm gonna try and write it tonite by hand, because the computer just pisses me off. Of course I told him I'd get it to him by tonite, but I guess that go fucked.
Some nice girlfriend I am. Can't even keep a god damn fuckin promise. I really hate myself sometimes. -sigh-
Wee, I made a new site -nod nod- It's not up yet though, because I have to find a nice,kind,loving person to host me. -bats her eyelashes- .o0(you know you want me...err...o_o)
Ahem, anyways. It's called Laura Inc and it's my graphics site .o0(yaaaaay -_-) and here's a screenshot. I made everything that you see, including the background graphic and everything that goes with it. -nods- I'm proud.
Ooohh..and I got Starcraft today. Lowell gave it to me for an early birthday present. ^_____^ Everything I have now is illegally downloaded since I'm all..poor. And well, I couldn't dload Starcraft. I was sad. Lowell burned a copy for me, but it froze up my comp >_< But I have it now. The game itself, the expansion and guides. Weeeeee
^_______^
Crush my hope
with your finger tips
And melt my heart
With your glare
Make me feel
A violent hatred
To which no-one can compare
Break my bones
With a flick of the wrist
Freeze my blood
Shatter it if you must
Take all my faith
And turn it into dust
You've been stepping
On my soul
For a thousand years
Hurt me with all
the strength you can find
Kill me with your weakness
Bind me one last time
Take away my breathe..
I never wanted live
I just wanted to be alive
Yeah, this is a little scattered..but I kinda like it. I might add to it later. -shrugs- Who knows.
I'm not wearing any pants.
I've been inspired by Alex to go through all my role-playing characters. See what you made me do? ^_^;;
VtM: Kali
U&M: Daffney Saoko, Safiya Raizel, Sashieta, Aiden Kane, Reine, Mina, Minako, Rini, Destiny, ...ah, damn there's a million others, but I can't remember.
Fed: Kali
Leagues: Daffney Saoko, Miaka Tomeru,
Let's see...I know there's others..-beats her head off a wall-
U&M: Nyai Loro Kidul, Shadow Warrior, Honoo No Miko...Kalika Lunae...Mistress Safiya...Celes...
Hm. I'm gonna have to go through all of Daff's stats sometime. She was my main character. hehe. I ended up becoming pretty damn tough. And I was the only woman to pass the test and make into into that clan...errm...shit. Sh...sh.....DAMMIT! Can't remember the name. Oh well. -_-
Hm. 1:44am and I have to get up at...err...7'ish. Yaaaay... x_x
Oyasumi, minna!
I own a porn site.
O_O;;;;
.o0(will explain later, can you see the picture now?)
Can you guys see the background of this table? Ya know, the gray with the girl and...yah. It's being all PMSy with me.
LEAVE ME COMMENTS! and tell me. o_o
Wee...48 comments so far. Number 50 gets a prize o_o
SHIT!
I'm so fuckin pissed.
I just typed out an entry in TOD that was wicked fuckin long, and TOD decides it's gonna Fuck up and not post it. So I copy it, and of course it doesn't copy. But I don't know this until I close the god damned window!
If you couldn't tell already, the whole thing was about how whiny and bitchy I am. And how emotional I am. I'm worried about Lacy because of the shit she went through yesterday and last night, and I'm afraid she's going to hurt herself, or something worse.
No matter what I did today, nothing went right. I tried to make everything perfect for dad, but it didn't work. Because I couldn't get him anything. And when I tried to make shit, the computer fucked up royally and it took me all damn day. And kept him up until midnight when he has to get up early. I'm a lousy whiny stupid fuckin bitch. And you can suck my cock if you disagree.
Don't even fuckin comment on that.
I hate computers, I hate TOD, I hate people, AND I HATE PMS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope everybody fuckin dies, except for a few people because I love them and don't want them to die, I hope the computer spontaneously combusts, I hope somebody hacks TOD and fuckin kills it this time and GOD DAMMIT I'M OUT OF RASPBERRY ICED TEA!!!!
And I have to pee. That makes it all fuckin BETTER
UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Excuse me now as I go punch a few walls and cry myself to sleep.
I hope you're okay La La I love you so much...
Okay, first of all go here, and tell me what you think. I made a new layout for my other diary ^_^ yay for me.
Okay. And now, I'm going to copy and paste and entry from that diary, to here. So that everybody can be all happy and updated. Errmmm...yeah o_o;;
Anyways, I had my first appt with my new counsellor today. It was pretty sweet. I approve of him. For now. We'll see what happens. I think this time, things will work out though. He's only my...fifth counsellor. -_-;;
I'm running out of meds again. Not like I've actually been taking them lately. Oh well. I can do it on my own, and my counsellor actually understands that! He doesn't try and push meds down my throat. It's a change. He's great. Maybe for once, things will work out.
I'm not feeling as bad as I normally do about slipping with the cutting. I mean, why let it get me down? I'm just gonna use it as determination. I mean, jesus. If I go all down about it, then the only one to blame is myself. And I actually want to be happy. So why make myself upset over it? It's just a little pity party, and I'm not gonna do it. I'm just gonna use it as determination, to stop.
Day 1
and counting. Let me tell you, this is my very last day one. I'm quitting this time. I'm not dealing with this stupid bullshit anymore. -shakes her head-
I mean, think about it. You're upset, and you want to feel better, so you hurt yourself. Isn't hurting what you're trying to get over? Yeah. So anyways, you hurt yourself, feel better for a few hours, and then go right back down again, usually worse, because you just cut yourself, and now you have to start over again. Like I said, self-injury is all one big pity-party.
I don't mean that rudely, I'm just saying, if you think of it in the right light, that's what it is. I wish I could show so many people that, so that they could stop. Because it's not worth it. The more you cut yourself, the longer you have scars. And what do the scars remind you of? The bad memories. So why cut? I mean, anybody in their right mind .o0(who's depressed) wants to be happy someday, right? Well by cutting, you're just pushing that happiness farther away.
It's not worth it
Honestly think about it. When you're older and have a family and kids, do you want to have scars all over your arms? Do you want your little son or daughter asking you about them? No, of course not.
Self-Injury only fucks with your life. And your mind. Find something else. I know it doesn't seem that easy, but it is. You've all heard the phrase "Easier said than done" That's all a damn state of mind. If you want something, you can do it. You just have to put your mind to it. The reason alot of people can't quit is because they don't have the motivation. Well, you have to hit the chord that I have. Look at yourself and say "God dammit, this is bullshit, I'm gonna stop". I mean, honestly. Why are you letting an inanimate object control you? It's a fuckin razor, you're a living, breathing human being!
You can do it, all of you.
And to my girls, I hope you didn't take any offense to this, I'm just having another one of those Joukie-like epiphanies. I love you all, and I know you can do it. You just have to motivate yourself. You need to get up, brush yourself, and pull out that strength that you have. Depression takes away all your energy and motivation, but you can get it back. Don't hurt yourself forever, get up and do something about it! ^_~ I love you all so much, I'm here for you, and always will be!
Yes, so that's my entry. Leave me lots of notes telling me how wonderful and lovely I am.
-_-;;;
-sings- I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell. But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired. I know right now you don't care. But soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be.
I like that song. Reminds me a bit of myself. -shrug- I admitted my love for Xtina Aguilera's music today. It's sad. I just love her lyrics. The recent ones anyways. Especially Fighter and Beautiful -nod- And I want her figure, but that's besides the point. I'm not supposed to be saying that anyways o_x
Hm. Well, I'm off. I should go do some homework. Meh.
Milk and cookies
Hugs and kisses
Blood and chocolate
{Lau}
I HOPE YOU DIE!!!!!
My fuckin mother's being such a bitch lately. I went to my counselling appt today, and everything she says is fuckin bitchy. Which I always feel bad for. She can't say one thing nicely. Everything has to come out as a threat! EVERYTHING!
SHE'S NOT SCARY!
When is she gonna fuckin realize that?! UGH!
That, and they'll never understand, I swear! I was talking to dad yesterday about random topics like Homosexuality and the likes, and he just had to point out to me the opposite of EVERYTHING I said, which was quite annoying. I'M NOT DENSE. That, and he made it sound like Gays don't go through harassment, or like it's no big deal. I related how gay's are discrimanated against now, to how blacks were discriminated against then, and he said that they weren't alike at all. -_- They're both minorities, aren't they? They both get the fuck beat out of them for things they can't control. They're alot alike, if you ask me. I mean, yeah, one isn't as extreme as the other, but still. I never said they were identical, I said the situations were similar. He seems to enjoy trying to make me look like an ass.
And to make all of this all the better, they're taking Trigun and Bebop off of Adult Swim and replacing them with Blue Gender, Penguin Under Bars .o0(I think), and Big O. Pisses me off. They should take off Kikaider. I can't even watch that damn show. The animation is shit. They put characters with the normal japanese'ish animation that we all know and love, in the same scene with a character with americanized japanese'ish...yeah. I can't make sentences today, don't mind me. But you get what I mean. That, and every anime has scenes where the background is completely still and the foreground moves, but Kikaider does it constantly. And they try to make it to real. Like there's an actual camera and all that and it looks shitty.
UGH THAT SHOW PISSES ME OFF!
>_<
Anyways, Lowell's going to be here soon, and I have to calm myself down, because the minute he walks in, I know mom's going to bitch and lecture about how he can't stay for long and has to go home soon. Because she needs her little power trip for the day. Of course, she's already had about 50 or so. But..yeah. I hope she dies.
FUCK
Sorry, just had to get that out. I feel better now.
Yay for comment box number 57 >_>
The happiest girl you ever saw...
Is the saddest girl you never knew
A vase is nothing more than a bitter grave for the most cherishable roses
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind
Sadness flies away on the wings of time
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy
The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.
There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.
Happiness is a thing to be practiced, like the violin.
Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.
Suicide is the permanent solution to a temporary problem.
One more thing..
As if GoSin didn't piss me off enough..-grumbles-
The following piss me off even more..
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Ergh. Anyways, I said I wouldn't be around. But I guess I lied. I can't stop myself from writing -_- Anyways, enough of my pissed'ness, go read my abnormally long .o0(and very impressive XD) anime inventory in the next entry ^_^
Lau's Anime Inventory
3x3 Eyes: Ep. 1
Ah! Megumi-Sama: Ep. 1
Angelic Layer: Ep. 1,2,5
Ayashi No Ceres: Ep. 2-5
Bastard!: Ep. 1-2
Blood the Last Vampire: Movie
Bubblegum Crisis 2040: Ep. 1-2
Chobits: Ep. 1-2
Cowboy Bebop: Movie - Knocking on Heaven's Door
Demon City Shinjuku: Movie
Earth Girl Arjuna: Ep. 1
El Hazard - The Alternative World: Ep. 4,6,7,8,11
Flame of Recca: Ep. 1-4
Fruits Basket: Ep. 1-5,17,19,26
Full Moon wo Sagashite: Ep. 40
Fushigi Yuugi: Ep. 2,12,29
Gatekeepers 21: Ep. 1
Get Backers: 1-4,22
Ghost in the Shell: Movie
Hack: Ep. 1
Hack Sign: Ep. 1-2
Hana Yori Dango: Ep. 1
Hellsing: Ep. 1-5
Inu Yasha: Ep. 1-3, 93, 98, 101
Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne: Ep. 15
Love Hina: Ep. 1-4, Spring Special
Love Hina Again: Ep. 3
Magic Knight Rayearth: Ep. 1-2
Noir: Ep. 1
Onegai Teacher: Ep. 1-2
Rurouni Kenshin: Ep. 8
Slayers: Ep. 1-2,4-6
Vampire Princess Miyu: Ep. 1-2,4-5
Weiss Kreuz: Ep. 1-2
Witch Hunter Robin: Ep. 1
I also have...
Angel Sanctuary: Ep. 1-3
Abenobashi Mahou Shotengai: Ep. 1-3
But they're not on my computer, they're on CD.
I almost have numerous Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon R, Sailor Moon S and Sailor Moon Super S. And Sailor Moon Sailor Stars, the last half.
For the anime-hungary, check out Fumei Anime for the following animes..
Detective Conan: Movie
Final Fantasy Unlimited: Ep. 1-17
Gegiganger: 1-3
Hana Yori Dango: Ep. 1-51, Movie
Kodomo No Omocha: Ep. 1-24
Infinite Ryvius: Ep. 1-18
Macross 7: Ep. 1-2, Movie 1-2
I would have all of them downloaded by now, but I have to get some files off of my hardrive first, because my dad has informed me .o0(numerous times) that I'm taking up all the space ^_^;; Heh..whoops!
If anybody wants any of my anime, let me know!
Just to let everyone know, I may not be around until school's out. I've got too much shit to do .o0(Because Dunbar's an ass.) and I'll be lucky if I get it all done by Thursday. This all includes, 9 chapters of quizzes, tests and outlines, a thesis and 4 research papers. Yaaaay.
Ugh.
So I probably won't be around.
Take care, love ya.
xoxo
Close-up of me
Even closer
A bit farther away
My foot..and the floor.
Triton, and Lowell's leg.
Wanna hear something really disturbing?
I caught my mom watching porn. Yeah. I went upstairs last night, and walked in her room, and was talking to her, and she started fidgeting around for the remote .o0(but couldn't find it) and I didn't know why, so I turn around and I see some naked chick with gargantuan boobs rubbing herself on my mother's TV. She said that she couldn't find the remote and that's why it was on there. Why would it be on a porn channel in the first place? And, she had already been up there for almost an hour, I hightly doubt that she just turned on the T.V. two seconds before I walked in.
I was disturbed. As a matter of fact, I still am. I'm traumatized. I swear, no matter how much damn medication you stick me with, this is one thing I'll NEVER get over!
-dies-
Meh. I have bad news. Maybe. I stepped on the scale today, and it said that I weigh 100lbs O_O I have to be at atleast 110 to not be admitted to the hospital. Meeeeh. And I have a doctor's appt tomorrow. And they weight me everytime I go there. Yaaaay. I'm hoping our scale is just off. I kinda do feel thinner, but it feels good. I'm still healthy. Well, for the most part. I'm not, only because I haven't slept, not because of lack of food, I don't think. -shrug- Who knows, who cares, not me, weeee!
Tomorrow's my hunnies birthday ^____^ I excited. And Thursday's my concert. I not excited for that. -_- And I got 10 quizzes done today in 2 hours for U.S. History. .o0(Yes, I'm wonderful. Praise me.) And I'm gonna go yell at Mr.Dunbar tomorrow and tell him how much of an ass he is. -nod-
Lacy called me today ^__^ From school. Well, from the bathroom in school o_o Surprised the hell out of me, but made me very happy. I miss her. I must go kidnap her soon. Which is kind of hard since I don't have a car .o0(or a license for that matter..), so maybe I'll just have to convince her to come kidnap me o_O I dunno.
Lowell's half brother came up today from.....I dunno, some other state x_X. He hasn't seen him since he was like...5, and now he's 14 or 15. Long long time. -nod nod- I'm happy for him. He was excited. And nervous. o_o Hell, I would be too. I wish I had siblings. I don't know why, just wish I did. It sucks being alone sometimes. But I have my girls, and that makes me happy ^_^
I have to go burn a few CDs for Lowell tomorrow, and then I have to finish up something I'm writing for him, now. Ja-!
I have no fuckin clue why I just opened this. I have nothing of interest to say. Except for that my chest hurts like hell. Everytime I breathe. And I've had the urge to S&I since about..Ohhh..4pm or so. So no, I'm not doing so well.
Of course, I talked to one of the most sexiest people on earth earlier, and then I heard from the other most sexiest person on earth not to long ago, so that makes me happy.
And yes, Lacy and Lowell, I'm talking about you two ^_-
But I still feel like shit. I don't really know why. I vented, I got everything out, but it still doesn't help this feeling of being trapped. Of being misunderstood. -sigh-
I'm gonna go watch Cowboy Bebop.
Cowboy Bebop makes everything better.
Woo..comment number 50 >_> meep!
I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish
And if have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just to much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it hurts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just to much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I tried so hard to tell myself that your gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
There's alot of meaning to that song, to me. But not what it's meant to me. I interpret it much differently than many other people would. But I really don't feel like explaining at the moment.
There's so much I could write about at the moment. So much that I just want to get out. But I don't quite know how. Or if I even want to.
Let's see. My mother..bitched at me..for eating. She made it sound like I had eaten enough already today .o0(I've only had half of a bagel..), and that I shouldn't be eating anymore. She also accused me of never eating dinner, with her, the only time I didn't, was last night, and that's because I was sick and fell asleep, and they didn't bother to have me come downstairs for dinner. So I just fell back asleep.
Before that, much more happened. She started yelling, because of what I thought was happening tomorrow. She told me that I could go with Lowell to Glens Falls, and now she says that she never said such thing. And then of course, she got bitchy about it, and said I wasn't going. Why? Because I'm going to a tournament Saturday. And because I saw him today, which means I'm not allowed to see him tomorrow, and I'm not allowed to go anywhere or see anyone on Sunday. So basically, I'm being punished for going out somewhere. And they don't even have to provide a ride or anything. She just...punishes me. Whenever I go out to do something, there's always a punishment for it. Like I'm not supposed to go out and do things. I don't know. Not only that, but Lowell and I are restricted. Always have been, but it's bothering me more than usual lately. I'm very rarely allowed to see him two days in a row. She won't give me a reason why. Her only answer is "Because you don't need to see him". Tell me how that's fair. It's not like we're having sex, or getting drunk or doing drugs. We just enjoy being together.
10 minutes later..
Ugh. Dad came in not to long ago, trying to talk and refused to leave. He gave me that whole "Well I thought you were the one that wanted to be able to talk" and shit like that. Yeah, if you understood me at all or even TRIED to understand me, I might just talk to you.
About a month ago, he started coming to his senses. Realizing who mom was. Now, he's back to kissing her ass. Making everything she does, fine and dandy. He said that she had reason to be angry with me! Because I assumed that I didn't have to go to school. Bull shit. I said "Oh, I can't have school tomorrow.." because I was damn sure that mom said that I could go. They both deny it. I'm not fuckin stupid. SHE NEVER SAID I COULDN'T! And still, so I misunderstood, so what? I didn't assume anything. I asked mom about it, and she started getting bitchy. For once, I didn't do anything except STAND UP FOR MYSELF. But I forgot. That's against the fuckin law, here.
Can't stand up for myself. Can't speak my mind. Can't disagree. Ugh. I always have to be happy and bouncy or else their on my ass. They told me not to hide me feelings, yet when I don't, they bitch at me for it. I can't fuckin win.
He also said that mom never punishes me for going out. Bull shit. He said that they have to tell me that I can't go anywhere, and that they have to be threatening about it. What the HELL?! I'm not that fucked up, okay? I will listen if they simply say "I'd rather you stayed home, Sunday, Laura". Yeah, I'd listen, I'd respect it and I'd understand. However, when they say "Fine, but Sunday your staying your ass home, nobody's coming here, and you're not going anywhere, got it?!" I don't respect it, I don't listen to it, and I get get genuinley pissed off. Just because I'm a teenager doesn't mean they have to treat me like dirt. I've never given them reason to be like this. Ugh. They treat me like I'm 5. Reality check, assholes.
Tear a whole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead
Broken bruised forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Then, after he gets done talking, he just...sits here for like...10 minutes. Saying nothing. Doing nothing. Just...sitting here. I want to be alone, is that so much to ask for? I don't need to go to them for everything. All they've ever done is HURT me, I don't trust them even as far as I can fuckin THROW them, I'm NOT going to talk, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
All alone by myself
Where were you
How could I ever think
It's funny how
Everything you swore would never change
Is different now
Just like you
Would always say
We'll make it through
Didn't quite
Fell apart
WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!
I hate this. I feel like nobody understands me. Am I that fucked up? Jeezuz. IT MAKES SENSE, where the hell is people's brains lately. Fuck.
Ugh. I need to go. I'm gonna go blast my music, get all pissed off, and punch a few walls, so that I don't cry.
If the pictures don't show up, just right click on them and click Show Picture. I'm having problems with my FTP server at the moment, so I have them on Speedis. Speedis has worse PMS than I do. -_-
*SI Trigger*
*
*
*
No, I haven't done anything. I'm just...thinking alot. And for once, it's not about cutting. Right now, I've gone into that..state. Where everything's blurry, and I can't really see straight. It's the feeling you get after inflicting so much pain on yourself that your body rejects it and goes into shock. I guess it's a flashback...or something. I'm not sure. I don't like it though. I feel like I could pass out any moment, and I don't know why. I feel like time has stood still, and that I'm the only one moving. That I'm the only one living. I have the urge to burn. Well, S&I burn. It's strange...the comfort it gives me. But it makes no sense. I don't like this feeling..and if I burn, this feeling will get a million times worse. It could send me into a seizure. Hell, it's happened before. But I just...want to. It's also strange, burning never really...did anything for me. Not heat burning anyways. Well, I still want to try putting an iron on my arm, but I won't. And anyways that's besides the point. But Ice and S&I burning..the coldness..it comforts me. And the scars don't show really on my skin because I'm so pale. They heal quickly.
-shrug- I can't though. I know I can't. The only SI I've participated in lately, is not letting any wounds heal. Like that huge cut I have on my breast from my cat...I refuse to let it heal. I break it open, and it hurts like a bitch and bleeds...but oh well. I should try to let it heal, but I just...can't. -sigh- I haven't let my wrists heal for the past...year and a half either. Since I injured them really bad. I've wrist-banged too many times, and now they're like..almost permanently fucked up. It doesn't help them at all, that I crack them constantly, and force them to crack, or move them back and forth really sharply to hear the bones pop. -shrugs- I'm a sick individual, I suppose.
I'm more morbid than people realize. I also have a much stronger sex drive than anybody realizes, all because I'm too shy to show it. But that's...completely off topic. I really am morbid. I fantasize about my own death constantly. Not only that, but I would just love to pick a random guy off the street, rip him apart with my bare hands .o0(and sharp long nails of course..if i had them..) and sip at his blood. I'd love to hear him scream and watch him writhe in pain. Violence fetish? Nah....just...eccentric. That's it. Agree with me. Now. So I don't feel like such a sick freak.
*End Trigger*
You know, part of me really hates myself for who I am. For all these strange fetishes. The foot/high heel/stocking fetish doesn't bother me in the least. Well...not mostly. The liking being dominated...sometimes bothers me. The blood fetish bothers me constantly, and so do my morbid sexual fantasies. I feel...like I said above...like a sick freak. Like I shouldn't be this way. Maybe I should cut them all out of my life. I don't really want to, but I partially feel like I should. Lowell would kick my ass though. He enjoys my fetishes, and gladly participates in them. But still...I feel so...wrong. But at the same time...sooo.........right.
-sigh- Will I ever figure myself out?
Another thing I have a problem with. The bisexuality. I've kissed Lacy a few times..but I feel like I'm...hurting her, by doing so. I mean, god...I love kissing the girl. I really do. But I feel like I'm hurting her in some way. I don't know exactly how but I feel like I am. But I don't regret it. Not a bit. But part of me feels like I should. I'm just so afraid of hurting her, or driving her away. She means so much to me. She's the only true girl friend that I have. I have maybe...two guy friends. Like...true guy friends. Lowell and Alex. The only true girl friend I have is Lacy. I've never been so close with a girl, except for Amy..but after I left 4Winds, I lost her. That still hurts. I thought I finally found the best friend I had been looking for. But she lives up in Malone. And she never called me. Maybe I'm a fool for wanting so much out of a friendship. Maybe I just ask for too much.
Wow. I just drifted totally off track. I don't know. I wish I could talk to Lacy, just ask her...make sure I'm not hurting her. I talked to Lowell. Because I felt like I was betraying him, even though I know that I wasn't. I know he doesn't mind me kissing her..or anything else. He doesn't mind me flirting with her. Hell, he'd do the same thing. He thinks she's gorgeous, and so do I. Inside and out. She's so amazing. I hope I never lose her. I wouldn't be able to stand it.
I feel so bad for her and her Pamela situation. Part of me hates that girl .o0(Pam, not Lacy) for not keeping in touch with her. Because Lacy loves her so much, but...I don't know. I just wish I could do something for her, because I want to see her happy. But I don't want to see her hurt, and it makes me...kind of..pissed off that Pam doesn't put as much effort into contacting Lacy, as Lacy does with her. I guess I'm too protective. I guess she just means to much to me.
Maybe I do put to much into friendships. Maybe I take it to far, or care to much. Maybe I expect to much, or act to...I do'nt know the word. Protective? No..Afraid? No...Maybe I just act to much like myself.
I wish I could talk to someone about this. But I don't know who. I don't know how. I've talked to Lowell, and he's reasurred me. About most of it anyways. I haven't talked to him about everything, because I haven't really thought about it in this much depth in quite awhile. And I don't want him to think I'm going to leave him for someone else, because I would never leave him. Ever. He means the world to me. Everytime he hugs me, I get such butterflies in my stomach. And I never want to let go. And I'm not just saying that, I literally don't want to let go. I want to be in his arms forever. When I am..it just seems like everything will be okay. I've never been truly loved before. I'm still getting used to it. And it still scares me. I could never stand to lose him.
I don't think anybody even reads this anymore. I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think so. -shrug- Maybe it's for the best. I mean, I have to admit, I love seeing that I have comments. I love knowing that somebody actually cares enough to...check up on me. Because I know, that I go to all my friends diaries atleast a million times a day. So I can make sure that they know how much they're loved. So I can let them know that I'm thinking about them. That I care about them. That I'm here for them. To make sure they're okay.
I really do think I put to much into a friendship. Well, maybe I don't put too much in, I just expect to much. I expect back what I put in. Even with the smallest things. Like, if a friend is absent from school, I'll copy an extra set of notes for them. But if I'm out, that friend...won't even tell me what we did in class. That's just a little example. I mean more with...big things. I expect to much. I expect what I put in, and that's not right. I just want to be loved. I just want a few friends. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to say I love you and mean it. It means alot to me. But it scares me at the same time. Because Mom..she says it all the time, and everytime she says it, it hurts. Because I know she doesn't mean it.
My girls tell me that they love me all the time, and it means so much. But just once..just this once..I want a friend..a friend that I know in person, a friend I go to school with, a friend I've grown up with...I want them to say I love you...
And I want them to mean it
New layout! Weeeee!
Leave me lots of wonderful notes telling me how wonderful it is!
^_^
I spent so long on this damn thing. The absolute positioning wasn't working. I couldn't get an image and a table right next to each other, because I used the
<![CDATA[<span>]]> tag instead of the <![CDATA[<table>]]> tag, so that I could position everything right, but I fooled around with it, tried some new stuff, and here it is! In all it's beauty.
I rock. Oh yes.
Guess who's changing her layout again? >_> Weeeee....
I've spent frickin...4 hours on this damn layout because absolute positioning is a bitch when your tired and ridiculously sick. But that's okay. I got it done anyways. Well..mostly. I still have to do some image mapping, I have to change a few links, and toss the images through my FTP server. And put it all up here, of course. But that won't take long. I'll do it later, when I wake up. Which will probably be at 3 or so..but errm.....yeah. x_X
I'm feeling alot better now. HTML always makes me feel better. Because I'm a digital whore. -nod-
Well..I don't know if I would call it better..because I think I've gone insane. Delusional beyond repair. >_< I've been talking to myself for the past 2 and half hours or so. Well, myself and the computer. -pats her comp- My friend...yyyyeeeesss...
Ah, flashbacks to last summer..staying up until 8am working on layouts....gotta love it!
Digital whore..digital whore..Lau's a digital whore!
Meep.
I can't wait until the card tournament Saturday. I have a very cool deck that is pretty much guaranteed to piss people off royally. Make them squirrrrrm. Yeeeees. It's fun to watch them squirm. And get pissy. And lose. All because I rock. -nod- And they all suck. Because I say so. Mmhm.
Shit..I can't see straight. Everytime I move, things move in slow motion, and like...blur. And get all...pixel'y. Now I'm referring to things as pixels. I'm suck a fuckin geek. But I love me anyways.
God, such an ego tonite. Ahh..room spinning.
That's bad. I think. Isn't it? Yes. Yes it is. Sleep. Now. I think. Or something. Weeeeeeeee!
Domo suki da, Oyasumi nasai minna-chan! -xoxo-
I'm just going to put this in the format of a letter..just because..yeah...
My Beautiful Angel,
Oh baby girl, you don't know how much I miss you. You couldn't even imagine. I know it's been a year and a half but I just...I can't stop thinking about you. And I can't stop thinking that there was something I could have done. Maybe I could have said something, or done something, that would have given you more strength, so you would have survived. Stupid sickness..I remember so much about you. When you made Fi that blanket..-smiles- When we first met..when you told me that they used to call you 'Demon Camilla' and that's when I started calling you Angel...Oh sweetie..I miss you so much.
You really were like a daughter to me. I know that I'm only 17, but that doesn't matter. I know that you didn't have anyone. You had no mother and your father was a...yeah. I'm not gonna say what I think of him, because I know you don't like it when I swear. Since I've lost you hunnie, I've stopped role playing, because it reminds me of you. I've lost contact with Fiana, and mostly...everyone that we used to be with. Because it just..reminds me of you and that hurts so much. I know there had to have been something I could have done. Let me tell you, if I was to come in contact with your father right now, I would just...god. Rip him apart for what he did to you. If he hadn't hurt you..maybe you would have been able to survive. Maybe you'd still be here. Maybe I'd be able to hear you call me 'Mama' just one more time..Maybe..
I wish there was something I could say, something I could do to bring you back. But I know there's not. When you left, you took a huge part of my heart with me. I'll never be the same. Not without you..Never..
But now, atleast, you're with Clint, and I know that Sasha and Cal are taking care of you. I still can't believe that I lost all of you..all within..6 months of each other. It killed a part of me. A part of me that..I'll never get back.
I love you so much Camy, don't ever forget it, please. Nothing can keep us apart. Not time. Not distance. Not even...death. We'll be together again someday.
You'll always be my Angel. And I'll always be your Mama.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm gonna break down, I can feel it. But I can't right now, because my parents are here and if they see my cry..all hell with break loose. It's been such a bad day. Well...it's been a good day, because I was with Lowell, and such. But I'm still sick. And my parents want to move. In one year, I'm going to be moving. Away from Lowell. Granted by that time, he'll be 20 and I'll be 18, but still..it's going to be so much harder. And it will only be 30 or 40 minutes away..but it's still so hard. It scares me so much to think about. What if it breaks us apart? What if I lose him? I can't stand that thought. I can't survive without him..If I lose him...I'll never give my heart to anyone ever again...never. He's what keeps me alive. If I lose him...I'm gone. Just...gone..
I know I shouldn't be thinking about it now. It probably won't even happen, and hopefully one of us will have our license and a car. But just that slight possibility..that we won't..haunts me. And I can't deal with it. It scares me..it really does.
I also feel bad...because I feel like I'm hurting someone really close to me..and I can't stand to do that. I feel like I'm going to hurt them without meaning it or that somehow I will. That person means so much to me..more than...hell...more than ...I don't know...
And of course, I have to have that song stuck in my head. 'Mama' by Celine Dion.
"Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear...goodbye's the last time I will hold you near...someday you'll say that word and I will cry...it will break my heart to hear you say goodbye...but the love you gave will always be there..you'll always be there everytime I fall...you are to me the greatest love of all...you take my weakness and you make me strong..and I will love you 'till forever's gone..."
That's just the chorus. The parts where she says 'Mama'...kills me.
Oh Angel..my beautiful Angel...............
-sigh- I ate more today. Some chicken and rice...a bagel..and some chicken noodle soup. That's somewhere between normal and good for me. -shrug- Wanna hear something sick? Part of me wants to lose tons of weight before my Dr.'s appointment, so I can hear him say "Laura, you've lost alot of weight.." Yeah, it's sick. But it's not because I'm seeking attention. It's because that's a compliment to me. Something I like to hear. Like I said...sick. But I guess I'm stronger than that. I said I was going to beat the Anorexia. But we'll see how long that lasts. I mean, hell, I'm a failure at everything else, why not this?
Wow. That was a contradiction and a half.
There's just too much in my life that I regret. Too many things I wish I could change. But that I never can. Too many things that I have to hide and I can't deal with that. Things people will never know...it kills a small part of me. And I swear suicide...would take it all away. It would make everything okay. I wouldn't have to hide anymore. I wouldn't hurt anymore. I wouldn't die anymore.
God I'm so sick of this shit.
'Life hurts, I think I'll kill myself'
'I hurt someone's feelings, I think I'll kill myself'
'Someone hurt me, I think I'll kill myself'
'I'm too stresed, I think I'll kill myself'
'I spilled the fuckin milk, I think I'll fuckin kill myself!'
Jeezuz Krist.
I don't know. All I do know, is that my throat hurts like hell.
My stomach feels sick because I actually ate.
I think I'm hurting someone and I can't do anything about it.
My parents are inconsiderate assholes who don't care about my fuckin feelings.
I miss Camy, Sasha, Cal, Grampa, Gramps and Grandma.
I miss being someone that people actually looked up to.
I miss being accepted by my family.
I miss being convinced that everything will be okay someday.
I miss not having to hide behind everything.
I miss having a fuckin LIFE!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To all my girls: Thanks for your notes. They mean alot, they really do, even if I don't always show it. You're amazing and strong and I admire you all. Take care, and don't worry about me. I'll survive, I always do.
Because I'm too much of a fuckin coward to actually kill myself.