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Hurt I hurt myself todayto see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real The needle tears a hole the old familiar sting Try to kill it all away but I remember everything NIN Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. I'm gonna draw a picture The Wall The flames are all long goneBut the pain lingers on... Goodbye blue skies Goodbye blue skies Goodbye... Pink Floyd Do it all Night "Just take me and shake me 'till I burn up inside""Do it all night, do it with me, as hot as a fire and as strong as a tree. Do it tonite, do it alright, darlin I know that you can do it all night." E-rotic "Durata dell corpo, Morte del'anima." emptiness is lonliness
The Leper Affinity Keep the beast insideShackled within my hide Screaming out too late Losing to my hate Opeth |
Tuesday, April 29, 2003 Fuckin Quizilla x_x
Lau melted away at 08:49 a.m. Tuesday, April 29, 2003 Well I'll be damned.
Pfft.
Anyways, look at that. I'm still alive. Of course. I survive, I always do. I just bitch alot. And attempt. And almost succeed, but wake up alive. Kinda sucks when you think about it, but I guess it's a good thing.
I carved DIE into my arm with a safety pin the other day. I'm deeply regretting it now. Every time I look at it, I get this sharp pang of hurt and regret in the pit of my stomach.
Or maybe that's just PMS cramps, who knows.
My moods have been going quite crazy since I took myself off my Zyprexa. I have a Doctor's appt today. Won't he be happy to hear that I've decided that I'm not taking it anymore. Of course he's probably used to it by now. The side effects piss me off.
I need tampons. I'm all out. It always works that way. I have plenty of tampons until I actually need them. Then the little tampon demon comes and steals them all from me. Little bastard.
I haven't been eating to well, lately. Fruit salads, salad salads, ya know. Neg Cals. Unfortunatley. But right now, I'm just concentrating on staying alive. Of course, it didn't help that I was told that I could stand to lose some weight. The lady at curves said that I have 26% body fat, and that I could stand to get down to 22%, and that it was probably that little extra on my tummy that I could stand to get rid of. Bitch. I had myself on a diet for a few days, then I just completely lost it. So yeah, I'm just..yeah. I dunno. I think I'm starting to drop weight though. Might be under 120lbs now. -shrug- Ah well. I'll get over this. I just need to get rid of some of this other shit first.
I swear, I'm gonna break something. I hate being a woman. Ouch.
Amazingly, I haven't downloaded any anime in like...3 days. I think I'm sick. I watched Magic Knight Rayearth and Flame of Recca the other day, though. They were pretty good. I still have yet to watch the others. I think I'll have to download XviD tonite so that I can watch 3x3 Eyes and a few others.
Well, I have to go. I'm off to Lowell's for the day. And the Doctor's. And school. Unfortunatley. -_-
Lau melted away at 08:36 a.m. Monday, April 28, 2003 ...Lau melted away at 05:14 p.m. Monday, April 28, 2003 Probably triggering, but who gives a fuck.
I wish...that my mother actually cared for me, that my father would stop defending her and open up his eyes, that when my father did open up his eyes it had lasted longer, that I was never born, that I could just run away, that I could start over, that I never had to leave Lowell's arms, that I could show my mother how much she's hurt me, that I could break down and cry, that I could cut my body all to hell, that I could cut her body all to hell, that somebody would come kill me in my sleep, that my parents actually cared, that my parents actually understood, that my parents actually cared enought to even try and understand, that somebody missed me, that I had some real friends, that somebody would ask me if I'm okay, that somebody would tell me that I'll be okay, that I would DIE, that this shit didn't have to happen anymore, that I didn't have to suffer, that I didn't have to go through every fuckin moment of my life wishing that I could kill myself, that I had more than one reason not to kill myself, that when I tried to kill myself it actually worked, that I was cold-hearted enough to just kill myself now, that I could kill myself and make all those who hurt me see it happen, that I could scream, that crying would make it all go away, that I would wake up and realize this is all a horrible nightmare, I wish I was DEAD, I wish I was DEAD, I WISH I WAS DEAD!!!!!!
Maybe I'll slit my wrists, maybe I'll slit them and watch them bleed, maybe I'll just let the blood run..everywhere..maybe I'll die.
Maybe I'll take to many pills, maybe I'll take the whole damn bottle, maybe she'll find my body, and maybe she'll feel just a fraction of the amount of pain I feel now.
Maybe I'll hang myself..use my greatest fear...maybe facing your fear really is the cure, and maybe I'll just do it..Maybe she'll come home to a limp lifeless body hanging over her bed.
Maybe I'll just jump off a bridge...maybe for once I'll be able to fly..maybe i'll hit and my body will break..maybe my blood will splatter..maybe nobody would care.
The phone is ringing, but I'm not going to answer it. I'd rather be by myself. I'm not going to fake for anyone. Maybe I'll just pick up the phone to say goodbye. And hang up and leave it at that. Nobody to talk me out of it. Nobody to stop me. I'm alone. There's nobody home. Nobody to worry about. Except myself. Me and my blade, my pills, my rope, my DEATH
Lau melted away at 04:18 p.m. Tuesday, April 22, 2003 o_oLau melted away at 05:46 p.m. Tuesday, April 22, 2003 Soon to be inventory ( dloading now )
Angel Sanctuary - Ep. 1-3
Hack Sign - Ep. 1-26
Angel Sanctuary (Manga) - Vol. 1-15
Angelic Layer (Manga) - Vol. 1
Fruits Basket (Manga) - Vol. 1-5
Inu Yasha (Manga) - Vol. 1-5,10-15
Slayers Movie - 3
Wolf's Rain - Ep. 1-9
Fruits Basket - Ep. 5,17
Full Moon Wo Sagashite - Ep. 1-5
Inu Yasha - Ep. 1-4
Cowboy Bebop Movie
Ayashi No Ceres - Ep. 1-5
Grave of the Fireflies Movie
Magic Knight Rayearth - Ep. 1-4
Love Hina Again - Ep. 1-3
Love Hina - Ep. 1-5
Yes, I'm downloading all of that now. Well..almost. I'm downloading about a quarter of it now, the rest is queued. I should have most, if not all, of it by tomorrow morning. w00t!
Lau melted away at 02:29 p.m. Sunday, April 20, 2003 Some graphics I made..
Click on the pictures to look at them on a white background. They look better that way. If they don't show up, just right click on it and select Show Picture. It should work. Speedis has PMS sometimes.
Lau melted away at 04:45 p.m. Friday, April 18, 2003 -foams at the mouth-
*cough* Excuse me..scratch that. I am frothing at the mouth.
--* Four Winds inside joke, don't ask
-growls visciously- Two girls just stopped at Lowell's, looking for him. They didn't leave their name, and didn't say why they were there. I have an idea of who it might be, but I'm not entirely sure. It's bothering me. I don't know who they are, Lowell prolly doesn't know who it is (unless it's who I think it is)..and yeah. -continues to froth-
Lowell's at the track right now, his mom called and told me. We were trying to figure out who it was...but to no avail. They pulled away in a red car. Hmm...-bites the head off a squirrel and growls in random directions-
On the brighter side of life, under the guidance of Alex, I am now dloading half the series of both Inu Yasha and Cowboy Bebop. Of course, it's on Bearshare, so I'm not entirely sure if it will work. If not, I'll try and find them on DC.
I'm also, still looking for full episodes of Full Moon Wo Sagashite, so if anybody knows a good hub, free distributor or site where I can get them (legally or illegally o_O) let me know!
Okay, I'm gonna go into town, hunt down my hunnie, and figure out who those girls were.
Yesterday was mine and Lowell's 11 month Anniversary, btw. Weeeeee he he! I love him ^_^
Lau melted away at 02:18 p.m. Thursday, April 17, 2003 Inventory (Subtitled Anime)
3x3 Eyes - Ep. 1
Angel Sanctuary - Ep. 1
Angelic Layer - Ep. 1-2
El Hazard (The Alternative World) - Ep. 4,6,7,8,11
Flame of Recca - Ep. 1-4
Fruits Basket - Ep. 1-5,19,26
Full Moon Wo Sagashite - Ep. 40
Fushigi Yuugi - Ep. 2
Ghost in the Shell - Ep. 1,3
Hellsing - Ep. 1-5
Love Hina Again - Ep. 3
Rurouni Kenshin - Ep. 8
Slayers - Ep. 1-2,4-6
Vampire Princess Miyu - Ep. 1
Witch Hunter Robin - Ep. 1
Lau melted away at 10:46 a.m. Wednesday, April 16, 2003 A couple songs from the Soundtrack to My Life
My Immortal - Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
These wounds won't seem to heal
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
you used to captivate me
These wounds won't seem to heal
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
She walks to school with the lunch she packed
The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
Through the wind and the rain
Somebody cries in the middle of the night
Through the wind and the rain
A statue stands in a shaded place
Through the wind and the rain
Lau melted away at 02:22 p.m. Wednesday, April 16, 2003 9 Days and counting...It's been 9 days since I last cut...The longest I've gone is 92 days. I'm gonna try and break it. Well...not try..I will break it. Lau melted away at 10:17 a.m. Tuesday, April 15, 2003 -drools-
Alex....is God. Nice site. Verrrrry nice site. -continues to drool-
o_o
Wow. I'm a horny little bitch tonite. But what can I say. I've been looking at too many pictures x_x
I was supposed to take my meds about...Mmm...2 hours ago. Woops. AHAHA! x_X Bed..sleep..yeeesss...
Lau melted away at 10:48 p.m. Tuesday, April 15, 2003 o_oWhat would YOU do for a Klondike Bar? Lau melted away at 10:47 p.m. Tuesday, April 15, 2003 Oooohh...Aaahhh... * * Warning: Sexual Content * * x_X
I could orgasm over this picture. o_O
Anyways, I discovered some new fetishes of mine. o_o I've gotten out of denial, and finally admitted that I have a foot, stocking and high heel fetish. Along with a blood and biting fetish. How strange am I? Ah well. I love it.
But I just had to share that. I'm off looking for more blood drinking pictures. Nobody has any. Bums.
And people wonder why I have such an obsession with vampires...Pfft..
Lau melted away at 09:17 p.m. Monday, April 14, 2003 Want an instant orgasm?
Two words. Starburst Jellybeans.
Yeah baby.
Lau melted away at 07:41 p.m. Saturday, April 12, 2003 * * SI Trigger * *
By the way, I cut again too. 3 long, semi-deep cuts from my wrist to my elbow, and a million smaller ones going across them. I showed dad afterwards though, and he held the washcloth on it as it bled. I cried. Then I had to tell mom. I lost alot of blood. It wouldn't stop bleeding, and I was starting to get kinda dizzy.
That's bad.
So..yeah. My arm's royally fucked up.
* * End Trigger * *
Oh, and everything's gone all to hell. I'll explain the whole thing later, but for now, I'll give the reader's digest version.
I told my cousellor what happened, she decided to be a bitch and try to put me back in Four Winds or report my mother, I tried to explain how I felt and she ignored me, I stormed out all pissy like, she called later that night to see what I decided to do, I told her I was going to Domestic Violence, she said that was fine, the next day she went behind my back and illegally called my school nurse and doctor telling them my life story without me or my parents signing a release form, and called Child Protection Services.
No, this isn't what I want. My family is actually starting to get back on track, believe it or not. We're all getting along, finally figuring out what's going on, and she calls CPS. When she told me that the power was left in my hands. So she lied to me. And she broke the law. And she lied on the report.
So, yeah. I had to meet with someone from CPS the other day. Lots of fun.
I think the case will get thrown out. But who knows. If they take me out of the house, I'm gonna be pissed.
To make it all better, this was all dropped on me in the middle of school. The middle of my second day back. So I ended up leaving at 11. Irk. It was on my Day of Silence, too. That went well, btw.
Let's see..any other news? Hm...well..Lowell and I got divorced in KFC, and plan on getting married again at McDonalds.
o_O
You know what sucks? Having friends that live a million miles away. Heathie might be going to Partial (a step below the hospital), which means I won't get to really talk to her. And I was just gonna send a letter out to her. Maybe I'll do it anyways. Hopefully she'll get it.
I love my girls. My strong sisters. I haven't been a very good "sister" to them lately though. -sigh-
I miss Lacy. She called the other day, and hung up on the machine before I could get to the phone -pout-. And it came across as Unknown, so I didn't know where she was calling from. Hmph.
I love Lowell. Just had to make sure that the world knows that. 11 months on this upcoming Thursday! w00t!
Lau melted away at 10:03 p.m. Saturday, April 12, 2003 Hm..
150mg of Effexor, 2.5mg of Zyprexa, 15mg of BuSpar, 1 Calcium + Vitamin D pill, 1 Vitamin E pill, and 1 Theragram Multivitamin.
I'm a freakin pharmacy!
Lau melted away at 09:58 p.m. Sunday, April 6, 2003 Flew to high and the burnt wing, lost my faith in everything...
Lick around devine debris..taste the wealth of hate in me
I love this song. Somewhat Damaged, by NIN.
Made the choice to go away..drink the fountain of decay
Broken bruised forgotten sore..too fucked up to care anymore
Anyways. I'm going to Lowell's in a little while. I told him about the scratches.
Just like you would always say We'll make it thought
Like you said, you and me, make it through
Ahem. I pissed mom off again. She came to talk to me and wake me up like everything was okay, this morning. Well, everything is not okay. Not even fuckin close to okay. She went to give me a hug, and she felt me pulling away, and said "You still don't really wanna hug me do you?" and I told her..I don't know..even though I do know. I don't want to hug her. But if I tell her that, she flips. So instead, she pulled the guilt trip thing, walked out all upset like and will now be "depressed" *cough* for the next..ohhh...3 days or so.
* * Warning..Graphic Violence o_O Maybe trigger? * *
I so bad, just wanna rip her heart out with my bare hands and rip it to pieces in front of her. Then I want to take a blade, and cut her all to hell. Make a million deep, long cuts all over her body. One for each time she hurt me, one for each insult, one for each push, each slap, each punch, each guilt trip, one for everytime she promised me something and took it away, for everytime she let me down, for EVERYTHING. And then I'd stand there and watch her bleed, and I'd laugh. I'd make her bleed for everytime she wasn't there for me. I'd watch her scream and writhe in pain. And I'd laugh. I'd fuckin laugh.
* * End Trigger, Violence...thing? * *
GOD DAMMIT! My pants are too fuckin SMALL, NOTHING fits me, I have NO shirts clean, the only thing I can wear is in the fuckin WASHER, UUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
It's not my day. Can ya tell?
Lau melted away at 11:51 a.m. Saturday, April 5, 2003 * * SI Trigger * *My whole fuckin arm is covered in scratches. No, I didn't cut. They're not cuts, they're scratches. Barely bleeding, just breaking the skin, but still hurt like a cast iron fuckin bitch. I used a staple. You can't see my normal skin at all from my wrist to my elbow. It's covered in scratches. Well over 100. I just kept going, until there wasn't a piece of clean skin. It burns so fuckin bad. I'm shaking and I can't stop. Looks like long sleeves for awhile. A long while. I wonder what would happen if I put ice on it... Lau melted away at 09:12 p.m. Saturday, April 5, 2003 Blaaaah...Just testing out my new comments thinger-ma-bob Lau melted away at 06:07 p.m. Friday, April 4, 2003 She hides the bruises with linen and lace...
Wow. How quickly things change. My moods are like a roller coaster. Of course, I forgot to take my meds this morning, and I haven't taken them yet tonite. I'm waiting for Lowell to get on. I want to talk to him before I pass out asleep.
Of course it'll probably be awhile before I sleep. I can't sleep anymore. I was doing good until the episode with my mother. And now I can't sleep. In the past two nights, I've gotten a total of 5 and a half hours of sleep. I'm tired as hell.
Tonite though..I really don't want to stay awake. I don't want to have the opportunity..to start something. The urges are coming back again. The urges to work off the weight. But hey..give me a break. I'm not a total screw up, I think I've been doing pretty good for gaining 20 pounds. Normally, I'd freak. But I'm dealing. Barely..but I'm dealing. It's just so hard.
That's not the only thing that's hard though. These bruises...they're so much different than my scars. My scars are sacred...these bruises..they're foreign..they're not supposed to be there. My scars are like my battle wounds. My souvenirs. My mistakes. My lessons. Whatever I want to call them, they're mine and they're there for a reason. But these bruises..they don't have to be here. They shouldn't be here. They're what caused me to make my scars. They feel like...a piece of her..of my mother...embedded into my skin. Pieces I can't get rid of..that just seep into my body. It's twisted, I know. But it's how I feel. I can deal with the pain from my scars. But from the bruises..I can't deal with the pain. But it's strange...they don't hurt all that bad physically..but making them hurt physically..makes me hurt mentally. Makes me hurt horribly, mentally.
She hides the bruises with linen and lace
She makes a small, simple pact
She looks herself in the mirror
With that a crash is heard
She pulls a blade from her pocket
For an eternity she lays there
Lau melted away at 10:26 p.m. Friday, April 4, 2003 Get it out! GET IT OOOOUUUUTTTT!!!!!
AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
-bashes her head against a wall repeatadley-
Garth Brooks is in my head. O_O Eeeeeeeehhhhhhh......
His song 'Thunder Rolls' is stuck in my dammmmmn head and it's all Alex's screename's fault! o_O
But for the sake of doing something completely and totally crazy...I think I'll blame the Pope.
DAMN THE POPE!!!!
I want sea monkeys.
And a gecko.
I want sea monkeys AND a gecko! Lau melted away at 09:49 p.m. Friday, April 4, 2003 For Tina..
Hey sis! -huggles- I just wanted to say thank you. You to, are an angel. You're so sweet, you're always there. You make me feel so...loved. You're an amazing person. You always know how to brighten up someone's day. I always look forward to notes from you in my guestbook! I love you sweetie..sooooo much! Don't ever forget it! I'm always here for you, no matter what!
§tay strong, §tay sweet, §tay beautiful!
Hugs and Love,
Lau melted away at 06:46 p.m. Friday, April 4, 2003 ph34r m3! f0r 1 4m th3 p5ych0 c|34n1ng w0m4n fr0m h3||!
o_o;;;;;;;
Bare with me, I'm trying to survive on 2 and a half hours of sleep. Since what happened the other day, I haven't been able to sleep well at all. Even with my meds, which normally knock me out. Anyways, what was I gonna say? Oh yeah! I've been cleaning like crazy lately. I don't really know why. I think it's because I'm finally motivated to do things, and I'm trying to avoid my own thoughts. Keep myself busy and occupied with mindless things. Ya know. Makes my parents happy -shrugs-
10 minutes later
Wow. I'm bored. I think I'm gonna go conquer a small continent. Ja. Lau melted away at 03:38 p.m. Friday, April 4, 2003 For Alex...because hotmail is a bitch.
o_o;;
Thanks for the e-mail, you're a true angel of a friend. There are very few people that I can say are true friends to me..and you are, most definatley, one of them. Knowing that you're there, and that you care, means more to me than you can imagine right now, thank you. And don't ever forget, that I'll always be here for you as well! I'll see you in school on Monday! ^_^ Lau melted away at 03:34 p.m. Friday, April 4, 2003 Archiveph34r my m4d htm| 5k1||5! Lau melted away at 02:00 p.m. |
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She "All her doubts were someone else's point of view"Greenday Truly,Madly,Deeply I'll be your dreamI'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need I'll love you more with every breath Truly, madly, deeply do... Savage Garden Closer I wanna fuck you like an animalI wanna feel you from the inside I wanna fuck you like an animal My whole existance is flawed You can be closer to god.. NIN "May the wrath of my gods drop something evil upon thoust head..." "My life is rapidly becoming the punch line for a seriously derranged joke." "Once..I made a hat...out of a lobster...and a stick." "That is not dead which can eternal lie And with strange eons death itself may die" H.P. Lovecraft Bloodline I'll kill you and your dreams toniteBegin new life Bleed your death upon me Let your bloodline feed my youth Slayer |
