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Hurt I hurt myself todayto see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real The needle tears a hole the old familiar sting Try to kill it all away but I remember everything NIN Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. I'm gonna draw a picture The Wall The flames are all long goneBut the pain lingers on... Goodbye blue skies Goodbye blue skies Goodbye... Pink Floyd Do it all Night "Just take me and shake me 'till I burn up inside""Do it all night, do it with me, as hot as a fire and as strong as a tree. Do it tonite, do it alright, darlin I know that you can do it all night." E-rotic "Durata dell corpo, Morte del'anima." emptiness is lonliness
The Leper Affinity Keep the beast insideShackled within my hide Screaming out too late Losing to my hate Opeth |
Thursday, April 3, 2003 ehe...eheheheheeeee..
o_o;;
Lau melted away at 12:18 a.m. Thursday, April 3, 2003 *drool* Completely orgasmic..
My obsessions...eheheee..
Alyssa Milano...1.
Lau melted away at 12:08 a.m. Wednesday, April 2, 2003 Hm...a facelift..?
Well, I officially have no life. Heh. I've been sitting here for hours on end, trying to occupy myself with mindless things so I won't do something stupid, and so far..it's worked.
I think my diary needs a facelift. And I think I'm going to use this picture for it. Whaddya think? Leave me notes! Lau melted away at 11:41 p.m. Wednesday, April 2, 2003 Yeeeaaahh...I'm not doing so well.
Let's see..where to start..where to start..Should I start where my mother said that she hated me...where she yanked me into the truck by my hair..where I almost ran away...or where she left and said she's never coming back? Hmm..
Okay, enough sarcasm for me. Basically, what happened, was I was on my way to a doctor's appointment. Mom said I could go to Lowell's tomorrow, but not before noon. I asked her if 11 would be okay, if I got things done, and she flipped out on me. I was quiet after that, she put on an act for the doctors, and when we went back out to the truck, she asked me what my problem was. I told her nothing, that I didnt want to argue, it wasn't worth it. So she said we werent leaving and sat there like a little five year old until I told her that it bothered me that she yelled at me when I was only asking a question. So she decided to make it all better by screaming at me, and holding up her fist, threatening to punch me in the head. So, then, she drove out of the parking lot and across the bridge, and pulled onto a dirt road, bitching about how much she hates me all the way, and pulled over. She yelled a bit, screamed a bit, cut me down a lot. You know. The usual. She said that I'm an idiot, that she hates me, that I'm using her, that I'm a liar, a retard, a selfish cold hearted bitch, yadda yadda yadda..I just kept my mouth shut and stared out the window so I wouldn't get the shit beat out of me, so she decided she would .make. me look at her, and grabbed my face, and twisted it in a way it shouldn't go. I pulled and pushed her away, and she pushed me back, I yelled at her to not touch me, so she pushed me lightly on the shoulder just for the sake of being childish (she does that alot, and it makes me shake, i get so pissed). I tried to get out of the truck to run away, and she grabbed me by my hair and pulled me back into the truck. So I went back to staring out the window while she bitched about how horrible I am..again, and how I'm using her for an excuse to be unhappy and how I only use others, and how I'm heartless and don't care for anyone, yeah..you get the picture. Then, she got out and walked down the road. I lost it in the truck, and then got out and stood in the rain. I was going to go jump off the bridge, but I couldn't. I was going to go to the cops or to Lowell's house, but I was afraid she'd catch me. And then she came back. She yelled at me for being in the rain, and when I told her that I wasn't going home with her and to leave me alone and get away from me, she proceeded to open the door and shove me into the truck. I tried to get away, but it didn't work. She shoved me again, I half-fell in the mud and hit my leg really hard on the truck, and eventually fell into it. Yeah. Real nice. Then, she started telling me how horrible I make her feel, and how much of a bitch I am for always making her feel like a bad person, and how she's wanted to die and it's my fault, nice things like that. She did that the entire way home, trying to make me feel guilty, saying how much of an asshole me and dad are, and that she was leaving and never coming back. To make it even better, no matter how much I told her that I needed to go home because the tutor was going to be there, she didn't listen. So the tutor was waiting for me when I got there. But, I had to tell her that I couldn't do it (She understood, thank god). I walked into the house shaking and stiff, tried to tell dad what happened, mom kept interrupting and screaming, I started crying and shaking even more, mom went into the bathroom, I told dad about what she did to me, he went to say something to her about how she was abusing me, mom blew up even more, they started screaming at each other and throwing shit and slamming shit, so I sat up in my room, called Lowell and cried. After that, mom left, and I went downstairs to be with daddy. And wonderfully, mom came back. She started yelling again, I curled up in the middle of the couch rocking back and forth and shaking, because I couldn't take the yelling...blah blah blah..it all eventually calmed down..somewhat..mom stayed out in the kitchen for awhile, and started calling for dad, eventually he went out there, she treated him like shit, then she left, told me she's 'never fuckin coming back' and slammed the door. About a few hours later, she called me, said she was at work and fine even though the truck slid off the road once (guilt trip) and that she was sorry for hurting me. I didn't say a word, and hung up with her.
So yeah. That's .my. evening in a nutshell. A very large..fucked up..nutshell. I'm starting to go crazy, I swear. I've been having flashbacks all night, I keep spacing out and shit, my body's freakin out..it's ... like ... the aftershock, I guess. It starts out where I can't remember things, everything seems blurry, then I get in a good mood like nothing happened, then it comes back to kick me in the ass..and it's not pretty. I've got bruises. And I'm going to take pictures. If she so much as .looks. at me wrong again..I'll go to CPS.
On the up-side, I'm going back to school on Monday. So I can get out of this house. I'm scared. I don't know if I can handle school..but it's worth a try. I suppose.
I'm gonna go...do something. I don't exactly know what..but something. Lau melted away at 09:21 p.m. Sunday, March 30, 2003 Touching you makes me die inside...
Fuck fuck. Fuckity Fuck. Fuck Fuck. Fuck.
Errm..yeah.
* * (Parts are triggering -- Don't read if you're not stable) * *
Excuse me as I rip my head off and throw it against a fuckin wall. Errrrrrrrrrk. I swear I'm going out of my mind. I watched a show last night on the Discover Health Channel called Cutters: Self Abuse. It was pretty good, but for someone like me...very triggering. Sitting there and listening to someone talk about cutting for an hour, yeah..it triggers me. It's pathetic, I know. Not only that, but you could see the girls' scars, which wasn't very comforting, considering mine are quickly fading. So stupid me, keeps interfering with a few scratches I have from the rabbit, so they keep bleeding, and don't heal. Ugh! I need to cut. Or I atleast need a blade. Just to hold it. It's like my...security. And it's so god damn pathetic..but UGH! -breathes- I really need it. But I can't, because I'm afraid I'll take it to far. Because if I cut, then I realize what I did, I'll feel guilty because by hurting myself I hurt Lowell...so then I'd do it more, just to punish myself, then more, and more...and...yeah. -sigh- But without it, I'll go out of my mind...I need something. I wish there was some type of support group around here..because I really need it..I need the help..but there's nothing. 4 Winds, as far as I know, only has one for Eating Disorders, and there's no way that I'm going back to ED Group! x_x
-sigh- I had a dream last night. I had found a box, of razor blades, glass and my rubber bands, and someone tried to take them from me, and I ripped it out of their hands and ran away with them, and was about to cut, when I woke up. I need to do it. I hate to say this, because it's sick and twisted, but the cuts are beautiful. I mean..when you first do it..it looks like it won't bleed..it's just a line..and then the blood starts to seep out..and eventually covers your whole arm..and I'm sorry but in my mind it's beautiful. And ugly all at once. I'm so confused. I wanna do it but I know I can't. I hate being held back, but I'm glad that I am. But I hate that I am. Wow. Scared yet? I know I am.
Ain't life wonderful?
Maybe if I do it somebody will get me some help. I need help. And I'm going to be getting some..I think..but it's all so..slowly. I need the help..and it seems that my parents are regarding it as something that can wait. It can't wait. But I can't tell them that. I won't. I'm not gonna be watched 24/7. No fuckin way.
I don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes..tell me everything is wonderful now..
Hey, let's me blunt. I almost killed myself the other day. Hm. Prolly sounds like I'm seeking attention but I don't care. I can be blunt in my own damn diary. I have nothing to hide from myself. Anyways, about the other day. I was already on edge, and mom called. Lowell and I were upstairs, but I had to go downstairs to get a phone number for her. She said something to me that upset me, and when I hung up I stood there for ... I don't know how long and just stared at the wall. Eventually I just burst out in tears. I couldn't take the bull shit anymore. So I look to my side..and see the pill cutter. That thing is fuckin sharp. So I held it to my wrist for...forever it seemed..and I pressed down, and then stopped..I did that a few times..but I kept stopping myself...and then I started doing it again..and couldn't stop myself. Then..I realized what I was doing and screamed for Lowell..fell to my knees dropped it and cried. I was so close..and I don't know what I would've done if he hadn't been there..
I can't take this. I want to give in. So bad. But I know I can't. I wish somebody could help me. I wish there was a place I could go, or something. I'm looking into support groups, but I can't find anything. -sigh- Sometimes it feels like I'm not meant to get help...like I'm always gonna be like this..or maybe I'll just snap and kill myself...I don't know. I want to live my life..but not like this.. Lau melted away at 12:41 p.m. Wednesday, March 26, 2003 An entry from my TOD (www.teenopendiary.com -- Search for 'Nemesis')
I don't know if this will even work, but hey, what the hell. TOD hasn't posted any of my entries since the very first one. Errrrrk. -twitch- o_O
I'm in a horrible mood. I'm not exactly sure why. It's not exactly a bad mood though. But it's not good. I guess I'm kinda numb. Why? Damned if I know. I'm in one of those 'Hey, wouldn't it be funny if I killed myself?' moods. As twisted as it sounds. It's the kinda mood where I'm not actually myself..and hurting myself sounds fun. It's screwed up. And as a warning..hate notes will be torn to shreds. And you will be made to look like a fool. A little FYI. But anyways, yeah. I hate being like this, but I can't go up..and I can't go down. I could always blame it on the increase in my meds..but I haven't taken them long enough, so I guess I just have to blame it on...the weather. Sure. That works.
I printed out a few songs to show my counsellor tonite, about how I feel. I've got Wonderful by Everclear, Last Resort by Papa Roach, Mudshovel by Staind, For You by Staind, Fade by Staind, Into the Void by NIN, and Somewhat Damaged by NIN. The only band out of all of those that I actuall listen to anymore, is NIN. But what can I say, I like the lyrics of the others.
My throat fuckin kills. I was gonna go make some mullein tea..but I'm tired and lazy and don't feel like getting up. Which is actually kind of funny, since I was going to spend a few hours today working out, but I just don't have the motivation. Amazingly. I'll try again tomorrow. I'm up to 120 lbs, and I can't stand it. And don't bitch at me, or I'll rip your head off and shove it up your ass.
Thank you, and have a nice day.
Lau melted away at 02:56 p.m. Sunday, March 23, 2003 [ this space left intentionally blank ]
I will be barbequed by an angry dragon Lau melted away at 03:27 p.m. Wednesday, March 19, 2003 Warning. Sexxxxxual Content. Rater Arrrrrrrgh. err...R. o.O Weee!
You know, this whole cutting thing is quite hard to get over. I mean, not only because I did it for years on end, and because it actually felt like it helped, but for alot of other reasons. I was just shaving my legs, and I got the urge. And I'm not even upset! Erk. Anyways, the other reasons. I'm a very sexual person. I mean, not by actually having sex but in other ways. So it's hard, especially since I'm a masochist. A sado-masochist. I like inflicting pain (slight pain..I mean, not a lot. But I highly enjoy dominating -evil grin-) and I love receiving pain. Pleasure-pain. It's great stuff. Not only that, but I have a blood fetish. Which makes it even harder. Yes, I have a thing for blood. Vampire movies completely get me. I'd do anything to bite into someone's neck and suck out the blood. Actually..I'm thinking of getting my teeth filed into fangs. Not all of them..but those two. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. Right? Right.
Meh. I just got up. Can ya tell?
Anyways, I'm very sorry if you just found out more about me than you would like to know, but it's my diary so HA! AHAHAHA! x_X hehehe. Too hyper. But yes, I have to go because Lowell's gonna be here in a few, so I'll try to write later. Which probably won't happen, because later I have a tutor coming for 4 hours. -dies- x_x meeeeeh. Dewa mata minna! Lau melted away at 10:44 a.m. Tuesday, March 18, 2003 I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a goddess on my knees..
You know, it's the small things, that I'll miss. From my stay at the Hospital from Hell that is. I'll miss us all sitting out in the hallway, Tom playing his guitar, and all of us singing along. That made the fight..worth fighting. Tom was one of the good staff. He brightened the place up a bit. The other things I'll miss...is my ED girls. 'Dining at Thumbelina's' -laughs- We weren't allowed to go to the Dining Hall. We had to stay on Unit, and eat what they sent us, while someone watched us. We had to eat 100% (all down to the last pea. Or 2 olives and 2 cherry tomatoes, in my case -growls-) or else we to drink this nasty tasting Resource (Boost) shit. Made me sick. But, eh ya know.
!-- Start Sarcasm --!
!-- End Sarcasm --!
Now that I look back on a few things, I can laugh. Like when I got pissy and threw my brush across the room, and my pad of paper, and my pen, and numerous other things. Because they made me angry. And I never got a PRN. XD bwaha!
Hmm. I don't miss it a bit though. Well..maybe I do. Not really, but I do. I miss my girls. Especially Amy. And it's so...unrealistic in there. You're never insulted (Except for that one time -growls- Will explain later) or hurt, or anything.
But about that one time. I might have already written about this, but I'm not sure. Teddy told me that not being able to brush my teeth, was a consequence of my Ana. We were arguing, and I was pissed, because they wouldn't let me brush my damn teeth (!! Erk !!) And he's like 'Well THAT'S the consequences! -_- Teddy's a jerk. The only staff I really liked was Heather, Tracey and Tom. And Cheryl.
-yawn- Meh. I'm gonna go lay down. I'm wicked sick. And Lowell will be here soon anyways. He's coming to stay with me cuz I don't wanna be alone -swoon- I love him. I'll try and write later.
-muah- ^_~ Lau melted away at 10:53 a.m. Sunday, March 16, 2003 Errrrrgle.
I'm gonna cry. Why? I HAVE NO FRICKIN CLUE! -_- Erk.
Anyways. Hm. I haven't really written much of anything since I've gotten back, have I? No. I've been an antisocial bitch. Why? Ohh..cuz I can. Most people have forgotten I exist by now anyways. As far as I can tell. Actually, I just got off the phone with a friend of mine that I haven't talked to in ages. It felt strange. I was social. Not by choice, mind you. Nothing against friends, I just don't feel like talking. Why? Because then I have to be happy. Because if I'm not, I have to explain. And I'm sick of explaining. Not only that, but this particular friend had no idea I was in the hospital, and has no idea why I'm out of school for the rest of the year. So, I have to be happy.
Lowell just called me. I can be social with him. Cuz he knows me. Better than I know me. And he's perfect abd I love him.
However, I can't be social with many other people. They've probably all concluded that I've fallen off the face of the earth, and I'm never returning, and hopefully gotten over and forgotten it all. I'm not ready to talk to others right now. I need my 'Lau time' to try and figure out who the hell I am and what the hell's going on. And I'm still recovering from the traumatic hospital of hell. Hm.
On a slightly different note, I may have broken my wrist. I fell in the kitchen, landed on it, and it cracked. So it could be broken. -shrugs- No big deal. I almost broken once..on purpose. So it doesn't exactly bother me. But will I tell my parents that? No. The pain doesn't really effect me, except for the few choice moments that it does. (o_O) So..yes. I just lost everything I was going to say.
Almost med-time. My meds knock me out. So I think I'll go enjoy the 20 minutes I have left before I'm drugged up beyond repair. Lau melted away at 08:33 p.m. Sunday, March 16, 2003 Merp.
Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com 
find your element at mutedfaith.com. <º> 
Find your Role-Playing Stereotype at mutedfaith.com. [Angel.] 
Find your Role-Playing Stereotype at mutedfaith.com. [Angel.] Lau melted away at 07:51 p.m. Saturday, March 15, 2003 Oh..I'm back, by the way.
I've been back from the Hospital of Hell since the 5th. I spent nine days there. How did I survive? Damned if I know.
I'd write all the gory details, but I've talked about it so many times..that I just don't feel like it. Let's just say, they had the potential to make me worse than I already am, they scared me into getting better (which is not my preffered route of recover), they forced food down my throat..literally, made me almost sick, pissed me off royally, let's just say that I suffered for the nine days, and they wouldn't let me leave. They threatened to bring my parents to court if we kept our 72 hour notice in. Yeah. Assholes. I'll explain more later, I have ironing to do, and a date to finish getting ready for. Lau melted away at 02:05 p.m. Sunday, February 23, 2003 [insert loud screaming and random curse words here]
AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
-grumbles- I just lost one of my sites. It was inactive for too long. -growls- Ooohh..I'm soooo sorry I found a LIFE outside of HTML! Erghhhle. So there goes Exquisite (my what was soon to be, collective). Now I have to put it on a damn pitas page, which requires a few long hours of graphic design, imagination, patience, and code writing.
Fun. Oh sooo much fun.
-chews on a leaf- Lau melted away at 08:13 p.m. Saturday, February 22, 2003 This is not enough..
I have 'All the things she said' by t.A.t.U. stuck in my head. They're hot. w00t.
I just weighed myself, and I'm 103. And I just ate, and I haven't peed yet, so that brings me down tooo...101 or so. Hm. Won't the hospital just love this. They can't blame me do much, I mean, jeezuz, they're gonna make me eat 3 meals a day. It'll be the death of me, I swear. I'll explode, or some shit.
I'm sick. It sucks. I'm hoping it's just the 24 hour flu, but I doubt it. I don't know if I'm going into school Monday. I have a doctor's appt. I have to get blood work done, and an EKG, so they can double check making sure I didn't fuck myself up when I overdosed, and that my body's still alright from not-eating. This royally sucks.
Alright, yeah, I know. It was my decision. But I'm starting to regret it. What have I gotten myself into? And I can't back out now. Damn me and my 'everything's gonna be okay, I'll just get help' moods. Can you tell I'm not in the mood to deal with this shit now? Yeah.
I got a mini radio today, though. Hopefully I can bring it. We can't have tank tops, shorts, cds, cd players, cassette players or cassettes, anything sharp, and as far as I've heard..we can't have shoes. I have to earn phone priveledges, I have to earn priveledges to go out on the campus, I have to earn other random priveledges that I can't remember, I'm watched almost 24 hours a day, I can't have any physical contact with any of the other patients, I talk to a psych every day, and have group every day (I think) and I have school for 3 hours, which isn't too bad. My schedule is jam-packed though. It's crazy, I tell ya. There's not much time to sit around, besides the free-time, and PRT (Personal Reflexive Time) where we get to sit, and think about our therapy and such. Woo. I'll listen to the radio.
What the hell have I gotten myself into? Ergh.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to see Lowell either. I hope so. I miss him now as it is. I only got to talk to him for less than a minute this morning, and he hasn't called yet. I went shopping for a few hours, and he went to a friend's house, and he said he'd call me, but he hasn't yet. -pout- I get to see him tomorrow though. I really need him. I'm so scared, and manic and crazy, and loosing my mind. I want my hunnie. -sniff-
I'm coming out on April 9th ^_^ to everybody. Except my parents -_- Yes. I'm telling everyone that I'm bi. Well..not actually telling them. I'm participating in the National Day of Silence. I stay quiet from when I wake up, to 5pm. It's for GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transexual) rights. w00t. Should be fuuun.
I've got disorders coming out my ears. I swear. ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Ana-N (Anorexia Nervosa), Ana-A (Anorexia Athletica), Self-Injury (Is that considered a disorder? o_O), DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) -- Which is also called MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) and Schitzophrenia. However, I'm most likely Borderline. Haven't been officially tested yet. I'm getting this shit in the mail for a million different things. Self-tests. Woo.
My dog is continuously licking his leg. He's been doing this for a good 15 minutes now. He does things like that to get attention. Bites his foot too. But that's alright, my rabbit tends to shit and stomp her foot repeatadley when she's bored.
x_X
They're coming to take me away ha-haa! They're coming to take me away ho-hoo! He-hee! Ha-haa, to the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds, and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle they're thumbs and toes and they're coming to take me away ha-haaaaa!
o_o;; Lau melted away at 08:20 p.m. Friday, February 21, 2003 Holy shit..I can't believe I just did this...I admitted myself to the hospital..I should be going late monday or tuesday. I'm scared as hell. Not only that, I had to tell mom everything, so I feel kinda...dead...now. I feel like the worst daughter on earth..even if she was the one that hurt me..damn my soft heart. I just hope everything will be okay. I'm so scared..I dont' wanna go alone..I know I have to be, but jeezuz I'm so scared.. Lau melted away at 04:02 p.m. Wednesday, February 19, 2003 Merp..
Alright, before I write anything, anybody who's reading this, who personally knows me, I don't want you to breathe a word of what I say in here, to anybody, okay? If you can't keep that, then simply don't read. In this entry, I'm going to be writing a few things, that I don't want the world knowing. However, if you have the link to my diary in the first place, then I obviously don't mind at all if you read it. Or reply. Just simply don't tell anyone. Thank you muchly -muahs- You're all lovely.
Okay. Hailey has inspired me. She wrote a letter to her mom about her depression and all, explaining it to them, and they took it really well. Well..my parents know about my depression, but they don't know alot of other things, so I think I'll write them a letter. Granted, I'm not going to tell them in this letter about what's actually going on, but I'll just kind of ease their feelings about something I'm deciding on. If I decide on yes...then I'll give them the letter. So what am I deciding on..? Err..
I'm starting to go off the deep end. I can't handle things like I should be able, and I'm scared for myself. I'm afraid of what I'll do, or what I'll become, so I might check myself into a hospital. 4 Winds to be exact. Only for 7-10 days, mind you. But it'll be enough, to figure out what's wrong with me, and how I can get myself on the right road to recovery.
I still wish I could just set a few disorders and problems aside, and put them on hold, so I could just concentrate on one at a time. But I can't do that. If I concentrate on stopping...Self-injury for example, then I'll stop eating. If I concentrate on eating, I start self-injuring. I don't want to do that, so I'm trying to do it all at once, and it's really frustrating. The only thing I have, that actually doesn't bother me, is the ADD. That just makes me laugh. The OCD doesn't bother me to much either, but it does a little. At times. It flips me out when I don't need to be flipping out -gnaws on a leaf- Meh.
So yes, I might check myself into a hospital. Lowell said he'll wait for me, and I think he said he'd try and come see me too. I'm going to tell them about my past experiences with overdosing, how I'm very good at tonguing meds, and what just might happen if I get to frustrated and have a bunch of pills hidden. So that way, nothing bad happens.
What the hell am I getting myself into x_x
When I go, though, the school better not take days off for the damn Attendance Policy. I don't think they can, legally. I go to school there, so things should be cool. I just might have to catch up on Economics when I get back.
I'm really scared. I'm still not sure if I should go, but I have their number, and I'm supposed to call my counsellor tomorrow or Friday anyways. I'll have to talk to her then, and let her know that I might go. Then, if I decide by then, we can set up an appt with my parents, and her, and I can try and explain to them why I'm going, so that they'll let me. I need it. I need to be under constant surveilance, so that I don't do something stupid.
I'm going to regret saying this in the morning, but I have to have this all written out here, as a reminder, that I have to stop being stubborn and get some serious help. I can feel myself starting to slip back into the whole 'suicide' crap, and I'm not about to go there. I don't think I'd actually do it, but the urges and feelings, could possibly drive me insane. And I'm not exaggerating, I mean literally insane. And that would just suck.
So that's my update, and my dilema. And I feel like shit, because I've only had one thing to eat all day, and my emotions are starting to go haywire again, so I think I'll go to bed. Oyasumi nasai, minna!
Lau melted away at 11:13 p.m. Tuesday, February 18, 2003 La...La La....Laaaa...La
I'm listening to Blue Oyster Cult. I haven't listened to them in forever.
Today has been an interesting day. I've been in a semi-good mood, but I feel myself going down and I don't know why. Anyways, I had an appointment with my counsellor today, and it went well. I updated her on everything that's happened, and we talked, and shizzle like that. Turns out I most likely, have ADD. I never really thought about it. -shrugs- But now that do think about it...yeah. I'm also getting tested for MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). I had a long talk with Lowell last night, trying to figure myself out. I told him things I've never told anyone. I was so afraid to talk to someone about it, because part of me knew...I'd end up getting tested, and I'm afraid of the results. What if I am a fuckin schitz? -sigh- Ah well. I'm hoping it's just Borderline. I'll be able to handle it..and get over it, no matter what it is. Might get an EMDR done, though. Might clear some things up. Hopefully.
I also talked to her about how scared I've been lately. How it's hard to control myself, and I can't handle it, and I'm afraid of what will happen to me or what I'll do, so we started discussing 4 Winds, a mental hospital in Saratoga. I'm going to give them a call within the next few days, because if things don't get better, I think I might go..for 5-7 days. Maybe I can start getting myself straightened out. If I don't start doing something soon, I won't survive this shit in this house. Not for another....hell...4..5 years? Since I'm not leaving the area for college. College..I'll be out more though. But for right now..I'm kinda trapped. And I can't handle it. I need help.
So, here's my options. I keep taking the meds I'm on, and if they don't work, I go see a psychiatrist, and talk to him/her about all this shit. Also, if things don't get better, I check myself into the hospital, stay for a week or two, and let them help me figure out where to go from there. The only thing is, I know that I'll have a problem with them watching me shower and everything, because of the sexual shit dealing with my mother, it'll be hard to handle, but I think I might be able to deal with it. Maybe they won't watch me, if I don't bring anything in with me, like razors or anything. I just won't shave while I'm there. It's winter, I can get away with it. x_X Well, my legs anyways.
It doesn't bother me as much now, thinking about going to a hospital. Maybe it would help. I'm not as stubborn as I was before. If it's gonna help, then maybe I will. I'm thinking, that it will give me more hope, and maybe I'll be a little happier. I'm just afraid of how my parents will react. I'll definatley have to have a meeting with my counsellor and my parents, to explain things to them, but I don't want to tell them about the..suicidal shit, or the cutting. I'll just tell them, I feel really unstable, and things are making me flip out, and I can't mentally handle them, so I need serious help. If I have Mary-Ellen, and maybe even my doctor to help me, then it should work. But I'm still not sure if I'll go. I don't think anybody wants me to go. They probably don't think I need it. But the thoughts that have been in my head lately...I'm scared. And myself is the last person I want to be afraid of. I'm one of the only people I can trust.
Ooooh No, they say he's got to go, Go Go Godzilla! Hee ee eee ee! Oh No, there goes Tokyo, Go Go Godzilla! Hee eee eeeee!
I was brought up on this song. hehe.
You know, I wish that I could just, deal with one thing at a time, and just..put the rest on pause. I mean, jeezuz. All this shit I'm going through, is mostly stuff I'm supposed to recover from, and I'm supposed to start stopping now, but it's hard. There's so much shit, that it's hard to concentrate on one thing, when I'm supposed to be concentrating on about 5 others at the same time. And that's no exaggeration. There's the Self-Injury, the Anorexia (both types), the OCD, the PTSD and Panic Attacks, now MPD, or just Borderline MPD, along with this, I can't focus on anything, I'm having major friend problems, all my other friends are falling apart and going suicidal on me, and I'm trying so hard to keep them together, but I can't even keep myself together, and jeezuz. I also have to take care of my mother, keep up with school, get ready for my SAT's, get a job, get my license, continue to hide everything from my parents, literally sneak around my house sometimes for reasons I'd rather not explain, I have too much to deal with at once, I'm overwhelmed. I need to get my license, so that I don't feel so trapped, maybe that would help me a bit. But I need to get a job, so I can get a car, because my mom will never let me take the truck alone. I also want to start taking college courses next year, which means I need a car, because my mom will bitch if she has to bring me places. I've got so many secrets from my parents, that I just can't let them figure out, but I'm trying to get over all these 'secrets' which means...i have to do it all..hidden, and ah that made no sense. It's just...hard. I've really overwhelmed. Sometimes I wish I could just take a break from life. Put everything on hold and just..take a vacation. If only it was that easy.
To make things better, a friend of mine plans on committing suicide tomorrow night. This friend of mine, is going through a very hard time, where her suicidal thoughts and actions, don't go away. But fuck, if I was her, I wouldn't have survived as long as she has. I admire her, because I mean...she's got it worse than me, and I'm barely here. She's amazing, I really admire her. She's so strong, but I don't wanna lose her. I really don't. She's too beautiful of a girl to leave this world just yet.
Well, I think I'm gonna call Lowell back. I've done enough venting and thinking and talking for tonite. All I can say, is I'm glad I pulled through today, and I know I'll make it through the night. I just hope I can get through tomorrow, too.
-muah- Nite, beautiful. Lau melted away at 10:38 p.m. Monday, February 17, 2003 [ Insert Title Here ]
Fuck you. I hope you all die.
Now that I've gotten that out. I've been sitting here for about a half hour now trying to get my thoughts out, but it's not exactly working. I couldn't imagine why it's so hard, I mean, I'm only LOSING MY FUCKIN MIND OVER HERE!!!!
-cough- Yeah. I think I inhaled too much iced-tea powder.
I am so sick of not being able to explain myself. I want to tell Lowell so much, I want to tell him everything, but all I can do...is cry. I can't actually explain it. It's too hard. I want to tell him everything. I really do, but I can't. I'm not trying to hold things back from him, I just can't explain it. My feelings don't fit with any words I try to match them with. -sigh- But I guess I could try. I'm always better explaining things when I'm typing anyways.
I could put things really bluntly...but I don't know if I should. I mean...blunt is...bad..in cases like this. But afterall..this is my diary. I can write what I want...right? Oh fuck I don't know.
Alright.
* SI Trigger *
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Right now, I have the irresistable urge, to take something very sharp, and dig it as deep as I can into my skin, until I bleed to death. Yeah, it's a little hard to ignore. I just can't do it anymore. I'm too overwhelmed. Shit is eating at me and I can't take it.
*
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* End Trigger *
I suppose I should give an explanation, ne? Hm. The past few days, the whole thing with my friends has been on my mind. It hurts like a bitch to know that they don't care. And nobody try and fuckin convince me that they actually do because they don't. If they did care, they would atleast try to help. But have they? No. If they cared, they would have noticed I was sitting right next to them crying, they would have seen that fuckin BLOOD was dripping from my fuckin WRIST! They would've actually CARED enough, to ask me what's WRONG! They wouldn't to busy off fucking their BOYFRIENDS! I don't know why the fuck I even trust or depend on people anymore! All I do, is get hurt! That's all! All I get, is let down, by people who give up on me time and time again and all I do is DEAL WITH IT! Not like it's really even that big of a DEAL because it's my fault that I'm so fucked up that all I do is push people AWAY all the fuckin TIME! It's my fault that I can't control my fuckin urges, it's my fault that I keep letting them down, it's my fault they gave up on me, that they don't care, that all I do is hurt others, it's probably my own fault that my parents FIGHT all the time, my fault that I can't do anything right, can't ever make them happy, can't do anything nice, probably even my fault that she beat the FUCK out of me, my fault I can't remember a period of my life, my fault people hate me, EVERYTHING is my fuckin fault! My fault that one of my friends could be DEAD right now, all because I couldn't make her believe that people CARED, that her life is worth living! My fuckin fault that Camy's gone all because I couldn't HELP her! I should've KNOWN that something would've happened to Sasha and Cal, I ALWAYS KNOW when shit will happen with my friends, WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I KNOW! I should've been able to DO something, they shouldn't be gone, I need them! GOD FUCKIN DAMMIT I want them BACK! I never even saw Shirley before she died, I just went on with my life after her and Sunny divorced and never even went to see her, I should've MADE mom go, I should've seen her! She loved me, and I just left! I didn't go to Grampa's for the longest time before he died, I just...DIDN'T! I'm fuckin worthless! I'm never there for anyone, why am I such a fuckin bitch, WHY CAN'T I HELP ANYONE?! WHY IS EVERYONE GONE?!
I can't take this I want them back...and the thing is, that isn't even what's WRONG!
I can't take these feelings anymore, I want it to be over! I can't deal with being told I'm a disappointment, I can only do so much, I can't LIVE here anymore, I need to get out, I need HELP god dammit I can't DO this! It hurts..it kills me everytime any of my friends talk to me, it kills me everytime i see my mother, everytime i see her i think shit, i remember shit, it HURTS god dammit, and nobody understands! I can't keep fighting, it's too damn hard, I need to get out of here, nobody understands, I CAN'T DO IT it's too fuckin hard, it hurts, fuck....
Somebody please, take me away from here, I can't do it. I'm so afraid of what I'll DO, I don't WANT to hurt myself, but I can't stop it, I feel like something's controlling me, and god ... is anything EVER going to be okay?
Why can't somebody SEE? I'm NOT okay, I CAN'T stay here, everyday I get pushed farther, and I've never felt so on the edge. I KNOW that it's stupid to say this..I've fuckin tried to kill myself 3 other times, but whether this is believeable or not..I felt worse NOW than I did then..I guess I was really weak then...I mean, hell, I was with Woody, of course I was weak..but I feel worse now and I can't TAKE it..I'm so close to committing myself..or something..I need help, or I'm either going to lose myself or my mind, whichever comes first.
I have absolutely no energy to type anymore. I didn't even get out everything I wanted to, so I guess I'll keep going..
I feel like the most horrible girlfriend on the face of the earth..I can never tell lowell anything..but like I said..I can't put my feelings into words, and I get frustrated, and overwhelmed, and then I get all shaky..and yeah...it's getting so bad lately, that even when I think about what clothes I'm going to where the next day, I get shaky. If I look at my room, I get shaky, if I look at nearly anything, or think about anything, I get shaky..and lose my breath..and everything. It's so hard. I feel like someone's taking over my body, because I sure as hell can't seem to control it lately.
And hunnie..if you're reading this..I'm so sorrie. I'm trying so hard to be perfect for you, I'm trying so hard to fight everything, to make everything go away and it just WON'T! Everytime I try, it feels like it gets worse. I want to get out of here, but I can't..and god. I feel fuckin trapped. I'm so sorrie I'm losing it all. I'm trying so hard to be perfect, you deserve someone perfect, but please don't give up on me. I'm so sorrie I can never explain, I'm sorrie I can't always be myself, or do what I really want to do, and that I'm just...screwed up..I'm sorry if I've disappointed you with things I've done, I'm sorry if I seem...hopeless. I know you never said that I seem like that, and I know you'll say that you don't think I seem like that, but that's what I seem like to me, and just incase you or anyone else has noticed it to...fuck. I don't even know what I'm saying..but I'm so sorrie and I love you so much..you're my world..and I'm sorrie if I can't always show it..I'm trying so hard..I really am..I love you..you're my world..you're an angel to me, and you always will be..
I need to get the rest of this out, but I don't know how. Have you ever felt like the whole world is just falling down on top of your head? Like all the memories you worked so hard to bury, have all come back, all at once, and hit a million times harder? Have you ever felt, that the pain will never end? Have you ever been afraid that you won't see tomorrow, because you're too afraid of yourself? Have you ever known that you should be in a hospital, because you can't control yourself, but you're just too scared? Have you ever tried to explain your feelings, but you can't put them into words? Have you ever felt like it's just too much of a fight? Have you ever tried to take a break from life? Have you ever really actually crossed the line into insanity? Have you ever been so upset that you couldn't see, made yourself sick and just passed out? Have you ever just wanted to scream, just to get it all out? Have you ever just wanted to fall, but realized it's just too far down?
I don't know where the hell that all came from.
I still haven't gotten everything out. I don't know how to explain. I guess all I can say, is everything seems...magnified. And everyday, I get pushed so much farther. I'm literally holding on by a thread. I'm ridiculously close to just binding myself to a chair, so that I won't go...yeah...jump out a window..or other ways of..yeah...
Again, Lowell if you're reading this, I'm sorrie. It's our Anniversary, I should be happy. I should put this all away, atleast for today. I shouldn't let you read this. I don't want to make you worry about me. God. Some girlfriend I am. Happy Anniversary...and I'm sorrie if I've hurt you. I wish I could be perfect..just for you. I love you..I really do..
I'm cold. And my body's tingling. And I'm a little dizzy. Damn emotions. The light to, it's fucking with my eyes.
I think I'm going to end this entry now, and go try and forget that I exist. How do I do that? I have no idea. But I'll be damned if I can't figure it out.
Lau melted away at 10:19 p.m. Monday, February 17, 2003 Woo. Motivation.
I finished the layout. For now. Until I change it again. In a few hours.
-_-
I feel. Like shit. La dee da dee dah. But that's no big deal. No change from when I normally feel like shit. Erp.
I've gotta sort out my latest downloads. I think I have 3 or 4 NIN cd's. All of which I got in less than an hour. I also have a few songs of a Marilyn Manson CD. I started sorting out my anime too. Elven Bride 1 and 2 both don't work. Witch Hunter Robin 1 doesn't work. 2 others turned out to be hentai. Fruits Basket 1-3 works perfectly, I haven't checked the other Fruits Baskets yet. Angel Sanctuary 1-3 are in French -grumbles-, and Fushigi Yuugi Streamload Episode 2 seems to work fine, but I have only watched the first few minutes. I think that's about it. Err.. no, I haven't watched Rurouni Kenshin yet, and Nuku Nuku Catgirl hasn't finished downloading. Let's see what's downloading now...
Hm...xXx, Ghost in the Shell, and a couple other unidentifiable movies. Oh! That's right! I got 9 out of 14 songs of the Queen of the Damned Soundtrack off of Bearshare today. They were ridiculously easy to find there, amazingly. Didn't have much luck leeching in Direct Connect. Would've been easier, dloading the whole CD at once, but ah well.
Damn people and taking slots that should be mine. I WANT MY MOVIES, DAMMIT!
Ah, that's right. I'm in line to get a shit load of anime from some guy that runs a hub that I'm not even connected to anymore. However, it still works. Woot. Let's see what's queued..
The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Obviously non-anime), 3x3 Eyes 1-4, Cutey Honey 1-2, Dragon Half 1-2, Flame of Recca 1-3, 5, and 7-9, Fushigi Yuugi 1-3, Omake 3, 6, 8-11, 13-14 and 17, Random eppies of Invader Zim ('nother non-anime), Nuku Nuku Cat Girl 1-3, Slayers Try 1-2, Slayers Movie 4, Slayers Movie 1, Slayers Book of Spells, and that looks like about it.
Doesn't look like they'll download though. But ya never know. If I keep DC running for awhile, I should eventually get a few seeds when nobody else is leeching. Either that, or I'll have to hunt down everybody else that attempts to connect to him and torture them until they cancel the connection and transfer. -straightens her halo-
I'm not anime obsessed. Not at all.
I'm more like DC obsessed. I'm in love. -swoon- Must...download...more...AH!
I've been trying to download my lesbian chick-flik all day long. o_O It has Angelina, and she plays a lesbian, and I want to see it because she's orgasmically gorgeous.
I'd do her.
-drool- She's hot. What can I say. Paige, on Charmed, is also quite nice. She's pale, with black hair. Well, did have black hair. And now she has red. Which is alright. So yeah, she's okay. She'd be much better if she just went goth. Oh yeah. But that one picture of her all handcuffed on Actress Archives..wooo...
And no, Actress Archives is not some porno pic site. It's just a random image archive of different actresses. -sticks her tongue out-
Alyssa Milano is alright to. Come to think of it, they're all quite fine.
But Angelina Jolie is one sexy bitch.
I want Lowell.
Random, I know. Tomorrow...err...today...is our 9 month Anniversary. Crazy, eh? Ah, I love it. I love him. He's perfect. Yes he is.
I'm so proud of my nice-ugly little layout. It sucks so much, but I love it anyways. It has a lot of meaning behind it that I don't even wanna explain.
Damn. Tonite was supposed to be my first night taking my new meds, and I already forgot. -falls over- This seems like it'll go well. I wonder if they'll work. I hope so, I don't wanna go to a psych. Ha. Picture me, and a psychiatrist. Now that is funny. They'd be the ones needing help before the session was over. I like playing mind games with them. I usually do that until I figure out if I like them or not. And if I can trust them. If they get through my barriers and shit, and pass my little tests, then they're good with me. Mary Ellen is wicked cool, I love going to talk to her. She's the only one I've ever liked. I hate the school psych. I hate Bari. I hate any others I've even seen. They suck royal monkey balls. Aha.
And to think, I wanna be one. -gnaws on a brick-
I think it's time for me to go to bed. Or atleast lay down. Maybe read. I'm reading 3 books at the moment. Stranger in a Strange Land (or something to that effect) that Alex let me borrow, being one. It's turned out to be pretty good so far. But it's hard to read, considering the only times I get a chance to read is at night when I'm already half delirious. But it's still a pretty good book. The second, is Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. A classic. I love british humour. The third, is I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. A story about a girl who gets stuck in a Mental Hospital. I got it the other day, despite my mother's whining about me always reading depressing books. Merp.
Sleep. Bed. Pfft. Lau melted away at 12:30 a.m. Sunday, February 16, 2003 From the picture I spoke of in the last entry.
Tell me something. Who are you? What are you to me? A friend? Ha. Don't flatter yourself so. You're nothing to me. Why? Because I'm nothing to you. Tell me, when you look at me, what exactly do you see? Someone fucked up beyond repair? Someone you try to stay close to, just to say you're there? An attention-seeking bitch? Well fuck you. I know what you're like, and I know people like you. You told me, actually, you fuckin promised me that you'd be there. That you wouldn't give up. That you'd be right next to me through thick and thin, the sun and the rain, the tears, the blood, the fuckin pain, well where the fuck are you now? Tell me that! Can you tell me what's happened to me? No. Because you don't know a fuckin thing. You wouldn't even know where to start. Because you abandoned me. You left me when things got to tough. I wish I had it that god damned easy. I wish when things got too tough, that I could just leave me too, but guess what, asshole, I can't. I'm stuck in this fuckin skin for the rest of my god forsaken life. I'm the one that has to deal with all the god damned pain, and the leave? You drag your sorry ass, just because it got to be too much work? Is that your fuckin problem? What, it was too hard trying to keep your best friend laive? Well then you must not care as much as you said. Big surprise. But that's okay. I don't need you. I don't need you and you're fuckin fake ass sincerity. I don't need you to care. I don't need your fuckin shoulder to cry on, I can just lay here in the middle of the fuckin floor wishing I was dead. I can lay here and cut up my whole damn body. No beig deal. At least I wouldn't be inconviencing you, right? Atleast I wouldn't be getting in your fuckin way! You know, I didn't choose to live like this. I didn't choose to be hurt like this. I didn't just wake up someday and decide 'Hey, I think I'm gonna go cut my wrists, take a few too many pills, and bang my fuckin arms off a wall, just because it's fun!'. I never asked you to care. But you promised. I've been there for you. When somethings wrong, I ask you what's wrong, and I mean it. I stay there, no matter what time it is, where it is, where I'm supposted to be, just to listen to you, no matter how big or how small. If I know shit's going on, I make sure you're okay. I do everything I can, to be there for you, whether you think you need it, or not. All I ask, is for you to return the favor. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but last I knew, that's what friends are there for. Is it too much to ask? For you to be a fuckin friend? I guess so. I really thought you cared. I thought I meant something to you. All of you. But after all this shit, after everything that's gone wrong through the times that I thought I couldn't do it anymore and you promised me you'd be there, you weren't! Where the fuck were you? Out forgetting I was even fuckin alive? Well good. Fuck all of you. I don't need you. I can get through this alone. After all, that's what I'vebeen doing lately! You know, I hope that someday, someone fucks with you like this. That you're at the edge of your fuckin rope, and someone abandons you. That everybody abandons you. Then you'll know how I feel. You'll know what it feels like to think you have nobody! You'll know how it feels, to be reaching out to somebody, who takes your hand and lifts you up just far enough so that they can throw you back down even farther.
I hope this hurt you. I hope you feel guilty. I hope you've realized, how much you've fuckin hurt me! I thought I finally found true friends, dammit, and you gave up on me! You fuckin promised me you would never give up, and you did! I fuckin ahte you! i hope this hurt, I hope it fuckin hurt! I hope it burns itself into the back of your mind. I hope you remember this next time you go to walk past me with that look on your face that you've practiced so well. THat look that actually makes me almost believe that you care. I hope you remember it, when you go to ask me what's wrong. Beause all I'll do, is look you straight in the eyes, and say fuck you! You know why? Because you are my problem. You are what's wrong. You are the ones who saw me bleed, and just watched it drip to the floor like it was nothing! You are the ones, who would rather sit on your asses and talk about sex, than try and help me. Than see that I was fuckin crying my eyes out, right next to you! That I was fighting a losing fuckin battle and wanted to shoot myself right then and there! Would you have noticed? Probably fuckin not. What the hell do I have to do? Do I have to slit my fuckin wrists off just to make you see? I hate every. single. fuckin. one of you!
You. Are. My. Fuckin. SUICIDE! Lau melted away at 11:48 p.m. Sunday, February 16, 2003 If I was a fish, I'd swim upside-down.
We have upside down fish. Yes, they swim upside down. Ridiculously crazy, isn't it? Of course.
I have good news. I'm not preggie. I was afraid I was for a lil while there, but it just turns out that stress put it off. Lowell and I have decided on no sex anymore, too many risks, too scared.
Other good news? I've turned into a demon bitch from hell. I've gotten utterly fed-up with people's fake ass bull-shit. I made a graphic yesterday, with a bunch of shit typed up on it. I'll have to either put it up here, or just take everything that's written off of it, and post it here. And if anyone sees it, and is offended..fuck you. I don't care.
Lookie! My rabbit has come out of hiding. She was hiding under the sewing machine for quite awhile, and now she's standing there, on my flute music, staring at me. -blink- Wow. She's a bit jumpy. o_O
In other news, I went back to the doctor's. I had to get my meds switched again because they weren't working. Actually, they were making it worse. I went from 50mgs of Zoloft, to 10mgs of Lexapro (equal to about 50 mgs of Zoloft), and now I'm on 75 or 100mgs of ...err.... that stuff that starts with an 'E'. Yeah. He said something about maybe having to up it to 150. O_O Irk. I have to go back in 3-4 weeks, to see if it's working. Because if this shit doesn't work, he wants to talk to my parents about sending me to a Psychiatrist that specializes in 'people like me'. He showed me a few other places I can go too. So by the time him and everybody else is done with me, I'm gonna have psychs for everything. And another, just for the fuck of it. Merp.
I might land my ass in a hospital if I'm not careful, pretty soon. Shit's not going to well. I've been breaking down horribly. I'm losing alot of people too. As well as my mind. I don't know. My whole 'I don't care' attitude is getting me in deep too. But oh well. I'm already, most likely, going to be going to 4 Winds for a support group, might as well make myself at home. -grumbles-
I think mom threw away the paper that the doctor gave me. It was for a place that has Eating Disorder support groups, as well as others. She doesn't know I'm Ana. I don't think. Don't really care if she does, she can kiss my ass. She tries to force me to eat, I'll just starve myself. Just to piss her off. Then I'll prolly die, but that's okay.
Please note the sarcasm.
Anyways, I think she tossed it. Bitch. She doesn't like me getting help. She hates me going to counselling and wasn't too keen on me switching meds (even though I seriously needed too) and was almost dead set about letting me see a Psychiatrist. Irk. Pfft. Merrrrp.
I'm hungry. I think. But not really.
Lowell's going to Adam's tonite, with Kyle and Mark. I think. -pout- Ah well. I'll probably go to bed early anyways. Or something. Or maybe I'll work on one of my 6 sites. -gnaws on her fingertips- I swear, I'll never have all of them up at one time.
Pfft. Rabbit's hiding again. I should go put her back, but it's too cold and I don't want to.
You know, it's crazy. I've been running around in boxers and tank tops. Without covering my scars, and nobody's noticed. -smacks her mother upside the head- Parents are so stupid sometimes. But it's okay, I don't mind, that's for sure.
I'm supposed to be making dinner. Damn. And I have to pee. I'll write later.
Lau melted away at 06:32 p.m. Sunday, February 16, 2003 Archive.
Archived another page. I'm on page 6 now. w00t.
Made a new graphic too, and a semi-new layout. Not sure how long this one will last. I'm not a huge fan of it, but hey, what can I say. I'm tired, I feel like shit, I have pms, and I just don't have the patience to put much work into it.
So this is my 15 minute renovation. Am I good, or am I good?
I'm a big fan of the scroll bars. I think they kick some ass. As well as the picture itself. Don't ask where it came from. I don't know what possessed me.
-muah- Lau melted away at 06:14 p.m. |
Blog
She "All her doubts were someone else's point of view"Greenday Truly,Madly,Deeply I'll be your dreamI'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need I'll love you more with every breath Truly, madly, deeply do... Savage Garden Closer I wanna fuck you like an animalI wanna feel you from the inside I wanna fuck you like an animal My whole existance is flawed You can be closer to god.. NIN "May the wrath of my gods drop something evil upon thoust head..." "My life is rapidly becoming the punch line for a seriously derranged joke." "Once..I made a hat...out of a lobster...and a stick." "That is not dead which can eternal lie And with strange eons death itself may die" H.P. Lovecraft Bloodline I'll kill you and your dreams toniteBegin new life Bleed your death upon me Let your bloodline feed my youth Slayer |
