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Hurt I hurt myself todayto see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real The needle tears a hole the old familiar sting Try to kill it all away but I remember everything NIN Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. I'm gonna draw a picture The Wall The flames are all long goneBut the pain lingers on... Goodbye blue skies Goodbye blue skies Goodbye... Pink Floyd Do it all Night "Just take me and shake me 'till I burn up inside""Do it all night, do it with me, as hot as a fire and as strong as a tree. Do it tonite, do it alright, darlin I know that you can do it all night." E-rotic "Durata dell corpo, Morte del'anima." emptiness is lonliness
The Leper Affinity Keep the beast insideShackled within my hide Screaming out too late Losing to my hate Opeth |
Sunday, February 16, 2003 New graphic, made by me.Look up. Lau melted away at 05:46 p.m. Tuesday, February 11, 2003 I posted this on the 'SI/Meep' boards a minute ago. I'm just putting it here for the fuck of it.
* Lots of very triggering shit, profanity, and graphic. You shouldn't read it. *
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Alright..I've been quiet for quite awhile, because I didn't want to vent on all of you. I just wanted to keep it to myself. But I can't. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want anybody to know how bad I was falling apart. I thought maybe it would help, if nobody knew. But I was wrong. Go figure.
I'm too overwhelmed. Nothing is going as planned. Nothing is organized, nothing is going right, my mind is a mess, I can't deal with it! I know this sounds stupid, but when you have to have everything organized, and nothing is, it tends to push you to the edge. Severely.
My moods are going crazy. I've been so antisocial, and trying to push people away. I'm finding it very hard to be a nice person to anyone, and I know I'm coming across like a bitch to Lowell, but I don't mean it. I love him more than anything. But I don't see why he stays with me. Who would want to be with someone, who's so fuckin unstable? Who can never say exactly how she feels because her brain's so scattered. Who can't be a decent girlfriend or friend to anyone.
I haven't hung out with friends in a few fuckin months, besides Lowell. And it's not because I'm pulling the whole ' I have a boyfriend, so I'm going to ignore my friends' bit. It's because, when I'm with my friends, I have to act happy. And I can't do that anymore. None of them understand, none of them at all. They used to try, maybe they still do try. But it's not working. When I'm sitting in the fuckin cafeteria staring at the wall hiding my head for a FUCKIN HOUR AND A HALF, Wouldn't that tell you that something's fuckin WRONG?! Well, my very best friends didn't seem to notice. They didn't seem to notice later that day when I was sitting at the corner of the lunch table, with my legs curled to my chest, playing with something, and hiding it from everyone, not saying a word, but being overly amused and amazed with something, that I wouldn't let them see. And then when I stood up, put that something in my pocket and had blood dripping from my frickin hands (That I tried really hard to hide, but it didn't work to well) THEY DIDN'T EVEN FUCKIN CARE! Not ONE damn person asked me if I was okay, Not ONE damn person asked me was wrong, NOBODY FUCKIN CARED!
It's so nice to know, that my closest friends who said they'd never leave me, and would never give up on me have turned their fuckin backs. I thought that I was the one faking, but Jeezuz fuckin Krist, they're pretending that I'm fine worse than I'm pretending that I'm fine. Well guess what? I'M NOT FUCKIN FINE! I sliced up my whole fuckin body 60 times the other night, but OH! I'M FINE! I've had 4 panic attacks in the past hour and a half, but I'm FINE! I can't look at a solid object without wanting to bang my wrist off it until it breaks, but YEAH! I'M GOD DAMNED FINE!
I'm not okay! Why the hell can't anyone see that?! I. NEED. HELP! Okay? What's it going to take? Am I going to have to stand in front of the whole fuckin school and slit my fuckin wrists off? Is THAT what it takes??!!
I HATE fuckin people! What the hell is the point of living through this hell? I've got friends who have given up on me, other friends that have worse problems than me, but I'm hearing complaining my ass off anyways, a family that hates me, a mother who I have to take care of and has ruined my whole fuckin life, a father who I've disappointed...UGH! And I have Lowell. But I keep fuckin hurting him! And disappointing him, and letting him down! I CAN'T hurt him anymore, but I can't just leave him, and I won't, because I love him more than life. I'm being fuckin selfish, but I really know that I don't deserve him. That made no sense. FUCK. I don't know. This is all to overwhelming, my brain is so fuckin scattered, nothing is organized, nothing is going right, I FUCKIN GIVE UP! I can't fuckin do this anymore, there's no POINT! I'm not going to get over this! It's been 5 FUCKIN years of hell with myself, 11 with this hell hole I call home, how in the hell will it get better? Yeah, I could move out, have my own family, and do what? Disappoint them too? Bring my children up in a place like this where all they do is hurt and get hurt? Just stay here to lose more people? No. There's no fuckin point to ANY of it! I'm not going to stay here, and keep getting hurt, just to look forward to a future that I probably don't even have!
I FUCKIN HATE THIS!
Lau melted away at 03:23 p.m. Sunday, February 9, 2003 Ow. Ow. Owwwwww.
My legs hurt. -grumbles- Who ever came up with the whole idea for self-injury anyways?
There's Godiva Chocolate Biscuits on the counter....O_O But I don't know if I can eat them...I swear my parents put them there to taunt me purposely...
Freihofer's chocolate chip cookies are different now. There's a certain....taste in there. I like the original cookies better. -grumbles- Ah well. My grampa used to work for Freihofer's.
I. Am so. PISSED! o_o I'm trying to figure out how to use Bit Torrent at Animesuki.com to download some old animes, but I'm getting NOTHING. I download it, I even leave it open for people to leech, but WMP won't play it. The second WMP won't play it either. And neither will anything else. I dloaded DivX, XviD, ffshow..whatever. The Nemo pack, EVERYTHING. And nothing works. -growls- It's pissing me off. But I'm attempting to get help on it.
But on the brighter side, I got the first 3 episodes of To Heart for free, and it looks really good so far. I'm dloading the first...30 some episodes of Cowboy Beebop too. .o0(Mental Note: Give Alex back CB tape) I've also got....the first three eppies of Love Hina Again, half of the Rurouni Kenshin series, nearly all of Inu Yasha, some Angel Sanctuary and the Final Battle from Sailor Moon dloading on Bearshare. Wait..I think I already have the Final Battle of Sailor Moon fansubbed on tape...or do I....oh well, so I'll have it twice. I don't particularly care for Bearshare, but it's my dad's savior, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. It's not doing anything at the moment, so I'm not too impressed. I hate Gnutella.
-yawn- I'm so damn tired.
OH! I made myself a new siggy for my boards on Aimoo. Lookie!
w00t! Yay for me.
Ah, I suppose I should be going. I need to wake myself up and get working on my 2 hours of US History homework. As well as my vocab. I should probably get dressed to. Maybe.
Lau melted away at 11:29 a.m. Saturday, February 8, 2003 GOD DAMMIT SUZIE!
Suzie's at it again. Not only did he steal all my stockings, but now all my bra's! They're gone! Every single one of them! I can't find ONE SINGLE BRA! -_- All of my black shirts seem to be missing too. Arrrrrggggghhhh.
Anyways, it's my dad's birthday. Happy birthday to my daddy. I wrote him a very sweet letter telling him how perfect he is -smiles-
I am so fuckin blonde sometimes. I've been looking for my Gameboy for...oh, an hour and a half or so. My dad even helped me. And guess where it ended up being? Right in plain sight. Sitting on top of a stack of books, right next to my bed, not hidden at all. As a matter of fact, I moved it, so that I could look under my bed for it. -falls over- Irk vei. But I found it. Obviously.
And yet another reason I'm stupid...
* * SI Trigger -- Do not read if you SI! * *
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Yeah. Stupid me slipped. I mean really slipped. I can't explain why. Mainly just things got built up. My OCD is being a bitch, and really getting to me. I swear the meds are making it worse. And the stress of the new semester, not living up to everything I want to be, my mother being an idiot, other personal issues I don't want to mention, just EVERYTHING got to me. So I got in the shower to try and forget about it, and guess what was in there? A razor. Yeah. So I cut. Not once. Not even 10 times. 65 times. Yeah. The whole bottom of the shower was red, and it didn't stop bleeding for quite the long time. My upper thighs are covered. I have some on my wrist (of course) On both ankles, and my upper right arm. Oh, and my chest. Woooonderful. And I disappointed Lowell. I know I did. But I'm not getting on that subject...not right now...But yes. Anyways. It made me sick, and dizzy, and numb. So numb, that I couldn't feel much. At all. My feelings were all screwed up royally. Irk.
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The SI Boards are down for renovation. I hope we get our boards back. Since they're the lost boards, they might not put them up when they put the others up -sigh- But I made a set of boards for my girls just in case, because I love them all like that...
But I have to go. At the moment, I have on this black tank top sweater thing, and I kind of forgot about my scars, that I don't want my dad to see when he gets out of the shower. So I'm going to go attempt to steal a bra back from Suzie, and then we're going to Circuit City.
-Looks at the clock- Lowell said he'd call me...And he hasn't. Argh. He didn't call me yesterday either, when he said he would. I mean, the reason he didn't was sweet. He wanted to let me sleep, so I let it pass, but yeah. And other such things. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me...
Oh shut up Laura, he loves you and you know it. Why am I so scared of losing everyone lately? These fuckin meds aren't doing a damn thing for me. If anything, they're making things worse.
Or maybe it's just me, and I'm blaming it on the meds.
OKAY, Like I said, I'm GOING now.
-grumbles- Lau melted away at 11:54 a.m. Monday, February 3, 2003 Haven't written much lately..
But I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive.
Not exactly well...but I'm alive. I'd rather not explain now. Maybe later. But probably not.
Lau melted away at 09:19 p.m. Thursday, January 30, 2003 A more in depth explanation of the Appt.
This is what I posted on the SI boards on TCS, I'm not writing it out all again, so yeah..here it is.
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I went to the doctor's today..and it didn't go as bad as I expected.
Actually..it went worse.
I got down there, and things seemed fine. I had the money, they let me in, I got in a couple minutes early, things were great. I thought I would get in and get out of there, and then be able to get up to my test. But..turns out that they have to call my mom, to get permission to 'treat me' even though I only wanted to talk to the doctor *growls* But fine, I told them to tell her I popped my back, and that I was just getting it checked out. So they did, told her I was fine, and that I'd be okay, and that she didn't have to come up. The nurse assured me she wouldn't come up..but then, 5 minutes later, she shows up at the doctor's, rushes in..and yeah. She shoved Lowell aside and was like "Move! Move dammit!" and he didn't even do anything to her.. she just yelled at him. Then, after she kept talking, I just got pissed and told her why I was really down there, and she started yelling and screaming.
Wooonnnderful.
So then, another doctor came in, and asked her if there was a problem, and asked her to keep her voice down, she said no, he told her she had to, or something like that, said she was creating a disturbance, she got pissed off, bitched at the doctor and the nurse, and went out. A little before this, before the doctor came in, I had started crying, and Lowell went to give me a hug, and she bitched at him..
So yeah..after a few minutes, she came back and asked to speak with me, and didn't want Lowell there, so she made him leave. She pulled the whole thing about how I lied to her, and she bitched..and bitched...and made herself seem like the 'perfect, all worrying mother' and me being the 'horrible, lies all the time, daughter', because the doctor was right there. None of them believed her though. She left in a hissy again after that, and dragged Lowell off to 'talk to him' (for a good half hour). Why? Because I wanted him there with me..I didn't want to do it alone, and she didn't want that happening.
So yeah, that's what happened at first. There was about 4 doctor/nurses involved in the whole thing, and I got strange looks from all of them. Well, strange/worried, and my mom got dirty looks from them all. The doctors kept telling me not to worry, that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't do anything wrong, and were trying to calm me down for awhile.
But after that, I told Dr. Singh nearly everything. I told him fully, about my OCD, the panic attacks, and PTSD. About my Self-Injury, my times being Suicidal, my times Over-Dosing, and my Ana Nerv/Athl. And about how my depression is worse than I said before.
He put me back on meds. I'm on 'Lexapro' and I don't mind. I'll give it a try. I just hope it works. I guess I have 'Major Depressive Disorder' now, instead of just 'Depression'. He made me promise that I wouldn't OD on them, and I had to shake his hand and promise him that if I had an urge to SI, that I would call either Lowell, my Counsellor, or him. I wish that was a promise I could keep. I'll try my damndest..but yeah..
So that's what happened. I had to pretend like things were okay afterwards. I still feel horrible for what she did to Lowell...really horrible..I know it's not my fault..but yeah...and I just feel embarrassed for what she did today..and hurt. I was scared..
Dad doesn't like that I'm on Meds. And he doesn't believe I have OCD, or PTSD for that matter. I don't think he even believes I'm 'depressed' (I hate referring to myself as that).
But when she came to pick me up from Lowell's, after Boxing, she pulled over down by the river and we had a 'Talk' where she cried, made me feel horribly guilty, and then pulled the whole 'Will I ever be a decent mother in your eyes?' and 'I'm a horrilbe (blah blah blah).' She puts too much drama into anything. If something's wrong with someone, she always has to try and out-do it somehow.
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So, yep. That's how it went. I don't know if that seems like alot to anyone else, but it hurt. I guess you would've had to be there. It still hurts what she did and said to Lowell. I should do something about it, I feel so damned helpless. But God help her when I'm out of this house.
Now, as for today. My throat hurts, and I want to go to Lowell's. But I can't. No ride. Argh. I can't until 4 or so, and then we have to leave at 5 -_- For dance class. Fuuun. I hate dance class with a burning passion. I don't want to be there anymore. And you know what she did? Boyfriends can't go anymore. At first, boyfriends couldn't go (and go in and watch) because the other girls didn't feel comfortable. Well then why the fuck are they in dance class? They have to dance in a fuckin recital at the end of the year. Jeezuz. And they never felt uncomfortable dancing in front of John (Sharyn's husband..?) or anybody's fathers. It's a load of shit if you ask me. But, I didn't cause trouble, and neither did Lowell. Him, Niki's boyfriend, and Danielle's boyfriend, all went and sat in the Lobby. Away from us. Not doing anything. Well, except last week when Lowell brought his George Foreman and made hot dogs. But still..that shouldn't have done anything. Why? Because there's a frickin refrigerator, microwave, etc in there. It's a little grill, that's probably more safe than the damn microwave is. Jeezuz. And she didn't even go in there to see it, so I don't think she even knew. But now, she locked the lobby, and boyfriend's can't stay. It's not like they were distracting us. Or causing trouble. It's not like we were having wild sex on the couches. I'm pissed. That's not the only reason I'm angry though. She was bitching at me last time, about not being there. I fuckin passed out!! Ugh. I hope she kicks me out, I really do. I want to quit, but I'm not. Why? Because people don't think I should. Because I already payed for the costumes and everything..so why should I quit now? Because it fuckin sucks! I'd rather go to a professional ballet school. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'll go tonite, I suppose. But I hope she kicks me out. I really do.
This is the first time in my life I've hated dance class. I'm pissed Lau melted away at 01:18 p.m. Wednesday, January 29, 2003 An Introduction..With a slow creek and a fountain of dust, the door to the old Arata Enkou Headquarters opens. Kalika crawls through, clearing the entrance of spiderwebs and cobwebs with a swipe of her hand. She curls up her fist, and as a hint of darkness gleams in her eyes, she opens her hand, and a medium sized white flame, outlined in black, sizzles in her palm. She walks slowly down the hallway, the spiked heel of her boots seeming much louder than they should. 'Hm..must have been deserted for a long time...' Kali says, as she wipes a bit of dust off a frame on the upper left wall. 'Miss Daffney Saoko...First place, Class A, Women's Leage..' She reads, and then begins to wipe off the other 3. 'First Class Warrior. 3 Time Champion. This Award presented to Miss Daffney Mailin Saoko on January 2, 2002..Hmm..Tag-Team Champions...Class A League...Presented to Miss Daffney Saoko and Miss Sasha Chardonnay...Interesting...' She reads. She brings her hand up closer to the last, which appears to be an engraved plate. 'This award presented to Miss Daffney Saoko. An Unforgettable Warrior. Leader of the Arata Enkou. Women's League Champion. Former Member of the Returners. First Woman to train in the Sohei-Shaolin Temple. Respected Priestess. Retired. May 28, 2002.' A slight smirk crosses Kalika's face as she runs the tips of her fingers along the mounted plaque. 'You've become one powerful woman, Miss Saoko..' Her lips curl into a menacing grin, and she continues to walk down the hallway. She reaches the four doors at the end. They are labelled 'Training Room', 'Lobby', 'Library', 'Storage', and 'Weight Room'. She takes a peek through the small window of the training room, before turning the handle of the library and pushing on the door, but it doesn't budge. She frowns, takes a few steps back, and lifts her leg, sending it at the door with a bit of annoyance. It flies open, and she stands there for a moment, with a smile of satisfaction, before walking into the dark room. She spies a small fire place in the far corner, and with a flick of her wrist, sends the flame into it's pit, illuminating the entire room. She turns in a small circle around herself, amazed by the tall bookshelves, all filled with books of every kind. Books on Majick, Summoning, Celetian History, Parallel Universes, Different Planes and Dimensions...everything imaginable. Kali, being one to make herself at home wherever she goes, pulls a red padded chair out from the table resting in the center of the room. With the same flash of darkness in her eyes, a tunnel of grey smoke protrudes from her mouth and envelops the chair, before dissoliving in the dank air, taking the dust with it. Happily, she sits down and opens the book laying in front of her, the record book of the Arata Enkou. She looks through the Table of Contents, with a bit of surprise. '5 members...that's all? Heh. Quite the clan she had running here...' She skipped completely over the first chapter, and turned to the second. 'Sasha Chardonnay...Born June 1982. Deceased May 2002. Rank 2.' She read on, showing slight interest, but then moved onto the next. 'Calvin Korenski...Born December 1980. Deceased May 2002. Rank 3.' She skipped to chapters 4 and 5, telling about the Rank 4 Warrior, Kevin Millstone, and the Rank 5 Warrior, Nakiya Madonahei. She then immediatley flipped back to the first Chapter, on the Clan's leader, Daffney Saoko. She read..'Daffney Saoko. Born December 1982. Retired May 2002. Rank 1. Leader. Level 5 SFW.' She read down through the various abilities, forms, identities and weapons, before closing the book, and leaning back in the chair. She lifts up her legs up onto the table, and crosses them over each other, resting them on the book. 'Well well..somebody's most definatley made a name for themselves. Too bad her clan fell apart so suddenly. So it must have been here I heard about taking a Warrior's Hall of Fame spot.' An evil grin crawls across Kalika's lips, as her eyes flash completely black. 'Looks like somebody needs to tarnish her name..' She laughs a bit to herself, and disappears in a powerful swirl of wind and smoke. The book opens, landing in the middle of chapter one. It reads 'The only known relative of Daffney's, is her older sister. A very powerful warrior, that turned to the Dark Arts, realizing her power far before Daffney realized hers. She goes by the name, of Mistress Kalika Lunae. She is to be avoided, at all costs. Confrontation with her, could be fatal.' The remaining light in the fireplace burns out, and room is left completely dark, once again. Lau melted away at 09:40 p.m. Wednesday, January 29, 2003 About the Dr.'s Appt
I don't want to get into this right now, but I thought I should update, atleast a little, on what happened. Things went worse than I thought. My mom found out, she came down, she bitched at me, and started yelling, a couple doctor's came in saying she was causing a disturbance, she said she wouldn't quiet down, she bitched at the doctor and the nurse, then she bitched at Lowell because he hugged me because I was crying, la de dah de dah. She pulled the guilt trip, and fear thing on me, la la la, walked out, blah blah. The doctor's kept telling me it wasn't my fault, I did nothing wrong, and things like that. She came back in to talk again, and that didn't go well. Then she wouldn't let Lowell come back in with me, so I had to do it all alone. I told the Dr everything, I'm on Meds, I have OCD, PTSD, 'Major Depressive Disorder', the works. I had to promise him that I wouldn't Over Dose on the meds, and that I would call either Lowell, him or my counsellor if I felt like 'harming myself'. Wish I could keep that promise, maybe I can. Who knows.
Don't wanna talk about it anymore. Lau melted away at 08:41 p.m. Tuesday, January 28, 2003 ...Why can't everything ever go as planned..? Why can't I just be trusted to do something on my own..? Will the thoughts ever go away..? Will the actions ever go away..? Will I even make it through the night..? Am I even still alive..? Why can't I handle this..? Why did she have to do that to me..? Why won't my heart stop pounding..? Why do the pills seem so tempting..? Why can't I recover from anything..? What's the point to it all..? Why am I starting to shake..? Why can't I breathe..? Why does it all hurt so much..? Why am I so weak..? Why do I have to be alone..? What the hell... Lau melted away at 11:07 p.m. Saturday, January 25, 2003 Don't put me in the dark, the toothfaerie will get me!
*rolls her eyes* Darkness Falls is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It was worse than Signs, and that's pretty bad. It was about how some woman, killed some kid or something, and got burned for it, or something about her burning, and she becomes the toothfaerie in the town of Darkness Falls, and when kids lose their last babie tooth, she comes and takes it, and if the kid peeks and sees her, then she's out to kill him or her for the rest of their lives. So needless to say, some kid peeks, his mother gets killed, he's stays out of the dark for....12 years or so, then his old school crush's son has the same problem, he goes to help, eventually, shit happens, the lights all go out, and just when their about to be safe, more lights go out. Just filled Kerosene lanterns go out, just for the hell of it. People get killed, but the 3 main character stay alive, and don't even mess up their hair. Amazingly. It's all in credibley wonderful. But in the end, the hero of the movie gets caught and conveniently kicks a light which turns on and kills the toothfaeire, or something like that.
I had a great time though, I really did. Just sitting in the movie theater, as Lowell made me jump, lol, and laughing, and yeah, it was fun. The whole day, was worth paying for the movie. I really had a great day. I'm glad we went to see the movie, and I'm glad I got to hang out with my sweetheart and Lacy. It was tons of fun. We were all pretty hyper, and even though we didn't actually do much .o0(well...erm...*cough* yeah...hehe), it was still more fun than I've had in awhile.
Of course, the day couldn't stay that good, could it? 'Course not. I came home, and guess who's home? Mom. She was supposed to be at work. But supposedly, she got sick, and came home. Erk. And she's being incredibley stupid. It just kinda brought me down, because I was so looking forward to having a night, where I wouldn't have to worry about her. Not only that, but dad stole the computer. Again. So I'm upstairs, in my room which is a disaster, with no music, and ugh. Yeah.
Not only all of that, but I have this immense hate for myself and I don't know why. This sucks, I had such a good time, but just coming home..it...ugh. I dunno. I didn't eat much today though. I hate four of those mini ham slices...sour patch kids....and some popcorn. That's about it. Oh, and three of those little caramel things, but there's next to no calories in those, so no biggie.
I had alot of fun today though. I love Lowell to death, he's my sweetheart. And Lacy is an incredibley good friend to me. She's one of my closest I have to say, because she understands me, and she's fun to hang out with. So today was definatley fun. I'll probably get to hang out with Lacy of Regents Week, and I really hope I can see Lowell tomorrow.
I hate feeling helpless. How someone's down, because they think they did something wrong. But they didn't, and there's really no possible way that they did, but in their mind...they did. I don't know if that even made sense, but yeah. I hate feeling so helpless. Because you want to explain to them that they honestly did something wrong, but they just won't believe you...*sigh*
But completely off topic, if either Lowell, or Lacy is reading this, thank you for a wonderful night, you're both great *huggles*
I'm scattered tonite, I know. Ahh, this is scary. I'm sooooo happy because tonite was just sooooooo incredibley wonderful! But my body won't let me feel it. Maybe it's my lack of sleep. Or sanity. Or both, I dunno. I wish I didn't have to come home, that would have solved everything. Then I could have stayed happy. Of course, I am happy..how could I not still be happy. Tonite's what's keeping me from going down completely. I have such a wonderful boyfriend. And such wonderful friends. Ahhhh...yes.
Eh..I want to talk to Lowell about my Ana sooooo bad...but I don't know what to say. I know I want to talk..but I don't know what exactly to say, or what I want to say, or do, or even the reaction I expect or hope to see. I don't know. I'm confused. I just want to talk to somebody. But I can't, because...I don't know what to say. Ergh. But as far as I can tell..he doesn't know that I'm kinda lost at the moment, so I don't have to worry. I'll talk, when I can think of what to say.
I'm fucked. Sazzle said she'd let me borrown for Tuesday.....but she didn't call..or drop it off. So I'm screwed. My parents are going to find out about the appt..maybe I should just call and cancel..I wish there was a way I could get the money...errggh....
Ugh..I hate myself. Don't ask why, I have reasons, and I've just pissed myself off more than anything. I hate myself. Hate Hate Hate.
I guess I'm gonna go. Even though there's so much I wanna say. But I just...can't.
I swear, I'm gonna hunt down the person who ever thought of Ana...dig up their corpse, beat the hell out of it, burn it, and feed the ashes to...my dog...or something. UGH! Lau melted away at 08:02 p.m. Saturday, January 25, 2003 Errk...
* ED Trigger - - Do NOT read if you have an ED! *
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I ate ham. *brutally gnaws on a leaf* Argh. But I did it anyways. But that's not what I came in here to say. I calculated my BMI. Here's the chart, and such.
Normal = 19 - 24 BMI Underweight = Under 19 BMI Anorexic = Under 17.5 BMI Emaciated = Under 15 BMI My BMI = 17.00093 Interesting. Oh! I just completely fell in love with a page, here's the link. Has a little bit of everything. I was looking at the 'can you beat the best', and I'm lower weight than all the celebrities at my height. Woot! But there was someone who was 5'6" and weighed 97. *pout* I want these shoes. Hmm...she's kinda hot. I think I'm gonna go call Lacy, I'll write later. Lau melted away at 11:30 a.m. Friday, January 24, 2003 Bad...bad Laura.
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Argh. I'm on Pro-Ana sites again. God fuckin damn me. They're addicting, I swear. I wish I could see how I really look. Am I too thin? Am I not thin enough? My whole..vision, is completely tainted..I wish I could see everything for how it really is. Or atleast myself.
Ohh...she'd be hot if she wasn't blonde..she's so pretty..I wish I could be....
Wow..some of this is really sickening...*shiver*...
Jeezuz, I know Anorexia kills people. Holy redundant...ness o_o
This probably makes no sense to anyone who's reading this..sorry.
Nothing else interesting on this site..onto the next. Ah, Totally in Control. Yes I am. Wow. Scattered. Delirious. Something.
Ahem. I found a list of Neg-Cal foods. Woot baby, woot! Must put it here for future reference..
apples, apricots, beets, blackberries, blueberries, broccoli, cabbage, cantaloupe, carrots, cherries, clams, cranberries, cucumbers, flounder, frogs legs, grapefruit, grapes, mushrooms, nectarines, okra, onions, oranges, oysters, peas, peppers, pineapple, pumpkin, radishes, raspberries, strawberries, tomato, watercress, and watermelon...just to name a few.
And can't forget Altoids..altoids are only 10 cals per 3, and keep the appetite away for a lil while *wide grin*
Woo! I just found lots of stuff...more neg-cal foods, and safe foods. Lemme see how long it is, maybe I'll post it on here. Too long, I'll just post the link. Woot, baby woot.
Oh, and this one too. And this one too.
Alright, I guess I'll go now or some shizzle. Ja ne! Lau melted away at 11:35 p.m. Thursday, January 23, 2003 Woot...I can't write.
A few poems I wrote..which suck. What can I say. I'm scattered, and numb. Leave me alone.
A cut to
A walk to
A jump to
Yeah..it sucks..I know. Here's my other one..it doesn't flow..and it's horrible..but I was really screwed up when I wrote it..so yeah..that's my excuse.
A knife, a blade
A stream of red
Pill after pill
I hurt myself
Yeah, that one sucks to, but there ya go. I suck as a poet. But oh well.
And don't worry about me, I'm fine, just had to get some feelings out. I'm pretty numb at the moment, actually. I'll probably go to bed soon. Oyasumi nasai. Lau melted away at 11:12 p.m. Thursday, January 23, 2003 Untitled
I hate this.
And I can't even write about it. Can't talk. Can't anything.
It's one of those nights..
I hate this. Lau melted away at 10:37 p.m. Thursday, January 23, 2003 Oh Starry night...
Ahh..I was gonna write something, but then I got to checking my e-mail. I had an e-mail from Lacy, and I swear I'm gonna cry ^_^;; Damn my emotional...ness. I know she didn't think she helped...but very rarely..does someone actually care about me like that..I'm not used to it. But it makes me feel so loved..I love that girl to death, I'm so glad I met her and that we became friends.
And as for a little bit of an update. I don't know if I already posted this, but I'll post it again. The other day, I was at my hunnie's house, and I told him about how I almost OD the night before, and how I was feeling, and about how I droppped so much weight, and how all these things are going to hell..and..he cried..and it just kind of hit me. I didn't know it hurt him like that. I mean..I know he cares, and I know he loves me..but I'm just not used to someone caring that much..And that's when I decided that I needed to do something. So Tuesday, I made a confidential appt with my doctor. I'm so scared. Sazzle is letting me borrow for the co-pay and insurance should take care of the rest. I hope my parents don't find out. I'm gonna tell him everything. God I'm so scared...
But I love Lowell so much..he says sometimes, that he doesn't know how to help me...he hasn't said it in awhile, but he used to..but I don't think he realizes how much he's helped me. After my past relationship..I mean...damn. He treats me so well..Nobody has ever treated me as well as he has. Not my family, my parents...just him. And it made me feel so good..that I actually meant something to somebody. That I can actually be somebody. I know it may not show..but he's helped me more than anything. And I know I may not always show it as much as I should..but I love him more than life itself.
My speech banquet is tonite. Should be interesting.
I'm still a little screwed up still..I suppose. I'm having these crazy mood-swings where I'll be completely numb for the longest time..and then I'll be lost, where I'll keep spacing, and then snap out of it and not know where I am. It happened 3 times when I was giving my speech today. Not fun. I've had random sudden attacks that come out of nowhere with no warning, but don't last long. I don't know which is worst, when they come with no warning and don't last, or when I have a warning, and they last for awhile. Ugh. I don't know. But I got off track. I'll be numb, to absolutely everything, then I'll be spacey and out of it, which is just scary, and then I'll be slightly emotional, which I can deal with, and then I just all out break down and cry. I suppose the Anger will come soon enough. That happened the other night. I won't go over that..that was ... yeah ... anyways. But it's just scary now..I don't know.
I just hope this all goes away soon. I've got fuckin exams coming up...*sigh* Meh. I don't know. Woo...I just started shaking. Wonderful...I'm gonna go hide in the bathroom now (I'm in school). Maybe if I'm lucky it'll drive me so insane that I'll get the brains enough to drown myself in the toilet.
-_-
I'm only kidding. Please don't worry about me.
It's all good, I'm only losing my mind. Lau melted away at 10:20 a.m. Tuesday, January 21, 2003 Fuck..no..ugh...
What a fuckin night..I can't deal with this..and I can't explain..it's just bad...and I can'td eal with it..and...FUCK I can't even talk, or think, or type, what ever, I don't know.
Alright...I can almost think now. Things exploded. I wasn't going to come home. I was gonna let the cops come get me, and I was going to let them come get me, but I couldn't. If I had to go home, after that, I'd never be allowed to see Lowell again, and I can't deal with that. He means more to me than anything, and I will go through anything for him. Even this. Even living here, afraid that something will happen and I'll just wake up and find myself dead. But I'll go through it, and I'll be damned if I don't make it through this. I love him, and I'll survive. But only for him. I'll go through hell and back, if it means I can be with him. I'm not about to let them ruin it.
But I really can't think anymore. All the shaking..and the breaking down crying..and almost hyperventalating...losing sight..my voice..my mind...I'm tired. And I'm cold. And I just want to sleep..
God somebody please help me...I can't come out and say that to anyone...not face to face..but please help me..I really can't do this anymore.. Lau melted away at 06:51 p.m. Sunday, January 19, 2003 Oh, just let me go.
I don't know why I opened my diarie. I have nothing of interest to say. Besides that I've been dealing with random panic attacks, urges, and so on all not long. Crying fits too. Tying-up didn't even help. I stayed on the phone with Lowell until about 2 minutes ago. It killed me to let him go. Because I was afraid I couldn't get through the night. I'm still afraid. But a few pills can solve everything.
Yes..back to my old habits I suppose. Just not as bad. No more taking pills until the walls turn purple and the plants are alive. Just gonna take a couple extra sleeping pills. See what happens. Maybe they'll have me so screwed up, that I won't remember what happened this weekend. And I won't be together enough to feel down. Yes. Pills are always the solution.
So off to bed with me. And my pills.
And as a sidenote...RIP Chloe. You were too young..and too sweet...to have left us all. But as long as you're happy now. I love you, and you'll always be in my thoughts. Atleast now you're away from the Ana..from the pain..from your mother...from everything. I just wish there could have been a better solution. Love you sweetie.
She passed from Overdosing. So what to I do? Take pills. I'm such a dumbass. Lau melted away at 11:53 p.m. Sunday, January 19, 2003 Fuck...
I'm afraid I'm gonna slip..
I fuckin hate myself...
I'm a disappointment to everyone..
I can't make any happy..
I fuck everything up..
I fuckin hate myself..
Lau melted away at 09:31 p.m. Sunday, January 19, 2003 ..
I wanted to save you
Lau melted away at 08:05 p.m. Sunday, January 19, 2003 Is there something more to come...
Well, I guess it's good to say that I didn't break down. And I didn't do anything else that I shouldn't. But I'm still really messed up. It didn't used to carrie over, but it did. And I have to act happy today, for the family. Wonderful. I really need help. Part of me is starting to think that I should tell people, and I should let them stick me in a hospital. But I can't lose Lowell..I can't..I mean, I know he'd wait for me..but I'd miss him..and it'd kill me..it'd literally tear me apart. He's the only reason I stay, if didn't get to see him, or really hear his voice, I'd end up...hanging myself with a volleyball net or something. I know it sounds like I'm obsessed..but that's not it at all. I love him more than life, and he's what gives me hope. I couldn't stand to lose him..
Wow. That came out of nowhere.
I've been eating way too much lately. I'm gonna have to start cutting back. What's killing me, is I can't exercise because I screwed something up in my back, so it hurts to do sit-ups and push-ups and leg-lifts, and just about everything else. And I've been so hungry lately. Ugh. I hate it. But mom bought me Low-Fat Granola bars ^_^ So that's good. But still, I've gotta start cutting back. I wonder how much I weigh..108. I gained 3 fuckin pounds. You wanna know the truth? The truth I've hid from everyone, because I'll get bitched at? I wanna be back to 98lbs. And before anybody says one fuckin word..
This is my fuckin diarie. If you don't like what I think, or what I write, then get the fuck out. I didn't make you come here and read this, so leave me the fuck alone. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. So if you're going to lecture me, save your breathe, because I'm not going to fuckin listen.
If you want to help, then I'll listen. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't do it. And you know what? I won't get back to that weight. I don't have the will power, and I don't have the strength. It's just a dream, and that's all it will ever be. And I know that a certain someone doesn't want me starving myself, and I'll respect that certain someone's wishes.
So, before you go to say anything, just realize, despite everything, I'm trying. I'm trying harder than I've ever tried before. So don't tell me I'm not.
And don't ask what triggered this.
Onto other subjects. STOP TALKING TO ME! Err..yeah. Mom's being...stupid. I don't need to so anymore, just stupid. And I'm getting all...yeah. Tingly and shit. And I'm trying -so- hard to resist taking a few pills to calm me down. I'm starting to shake. But it's been almost a -year- since I've over-dosed, and I don't want to go back. But it's so damn hard. There's got to be something else I can do. Ah, shit, I should trigger this.
*SI Trigger*
*
*
There's gotta be something else to stop these attacks. *c* stops it. S&I stops it. Just plain Icing stops it. OD stops it. Everything I'm not supposed to do stops it. Ugh. Exercising sometimes helps, but only if I do it to the point where I collapse, or pass out. Which I can't do, because of my back. Well..okay, I can. I don't mind the pain, but I don't want to permanently screw it up, 'cause yeah...I'll never dance again. And that could royally suck. I could tie-up, but I don't have anything in here. I could also try and W/B but that would make to much noise. Hm. Maybe I will tie-up. If I can find something. I could just scratch..but I won't. Hm. I found something, let me see if it'll work. FUCK! IT WON'T WORK! And now it's worse. I need something. I'll go upstairs in a little while. I've got shit up there. But I'm gonna go.
*
*
* End Trigger *
Lau melted away at 11:17 a.m. Saturday, January 18, 2003 And I thought it would be okay..
I really thought, that with my new-found attitude and life-style, that things would be okay. I should've listened to myself..before this all happened. I always used to say, that the day I snapped, would be the day that everything went to hell. Now that I think of it, I didn't completely snap. Completely, would be beating the fuck out of every person that's every hurt me..especially my parents. I'm a much larger step towards that though, I'm ashamed to say. So I snapped, but not completely. I'm teetering..on the edge of...something. I'm not entirely sure of what it is. I thought my 'screw you' attitude would help. But it's not. Things are so much harder. I'm going down so dangerously. It's been awhile since I really broke down. I mean really broke down, and I completely feel like I'm going to lose it. But I can't, because my mom and dad and gramma are all downstairs..and yeah..that wouldn't go over well. I've been so much harder on myself, and others. Well..not necessarily others. But now, when I'm not okay, and need serious help...and people ignore it, like I'm completely invisible..it hurts more than it did before. Why can't I just get over the fact that nobody really genuinley cares?
Well..wait...that's not true. But most my friends. Those who said they'd be there for me no matter what. And said they'd help me through whatever I was going through. That when I was crying, they'd be there to wipe my tears. They said they'd keep me standing..
I fell. I fell right in front of them. And they just let me go.
I have to go eat. *argh* I'll write again later. Maybe.
Lau melted away at 06:57 p.m. Saturday, January 18, 2003 Somewhat Damaged
so impressed with all you do
lick around divine debris
made the choice to go away
broken bruised forgotten sore
broken bruised forgotten sore
in the back
tried to say
how could i
just like you
how could i
like you said
Lau melted away at 04:34 p.m. Saturday, January 18, 2003 Feeding my insanity..
 take the virgin-whore dichotomy quiz. and go to mewing.net. where we're all studs.
 take the taboo quiz. and go to mewing.net. nothing is taboo there.
 take the antisocial test. and go to mewing.net. because laura's feeling social.
 take the death quiz. and go to mewing.net. laura = great. Lau melted away at 03:17 p.m. |
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She "All her doubts were someone else's point of view"Greenday Truly,Madly,Deeply I'll be your dreamI'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need I'll love you more with every breath Truly, madly, deeply do... Savage Garden Closer I wanna fuck you like an animalI wanna feel you from the inside I wanna fuck you like an animal My whole existance is flawed You can be closer to god.. NIN "May the wrath of my gods drop something evil upon thoust head..." "My life is rapidly becoming the punch line for a seriously derranged joke." "Once..I made a hat...out of a lobster...and a stick." "That is not dead which can eternal lie And with strange eons death itself may die" H.P. Lovecraft Bloodline I'll kill you and your dreams toniteBegin new life Bleed your death upon me Let your bloodline feed my youth Slayer |
