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Hurt I hurt myself todayto see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real The needle tears a hole the old familiar sting Try to kill it all away but I remember everything NIN Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. I'm gonna draw a picture The Wall The flames are all long goneBut the pain lingers on... Goodbye blue skies Goodbye blue skies Goodbye... Pink Floyd Do it all Night "Just take me and shake me 'till I burn up inside""Do it all night, do it with me, as hot as a fire and as strong as a tree. Do it tonite, do it alright, darlin I know that you can do it all night." E-rotic "Durata dell corpo, Morte del'anima." emptiness is lonliness
The Leper Affinity Keep the beast insideShackled within my hide Screaming out too late Losing to my hate Opeth |
Sunday, December 1, 2002 For Lowell..
Hey babe..I know it'd prolly make more sense to tell you this over messenger, or the phone, but it's just easier to say everything here.
I'm so sorry. I know alot has happened lately, mostly all because of me. I've been so on edge, and everything I say is coming out wrong. I'm sorry, I don't mean it. Things have been getting awkward at the strangest times, or .. stuff. Hell, I dunno. I'm sorry I sounded like I didn't care..it's really the exact opposite. I care so much about you, and everything you say. I don't even know what my problem is. I guess getting sick, and being tired, and confused and stressed is getting to me all to much, and I'm sorry, because it shouldn't. Since I got off the phone with you, I've been sitting here trying to figure out what's been going on with me the past few days, but I really can't. I started thinking that maybe I should just stay away from everybody for awhile..or maybe I should just..leave and not let anyone know where I go. But I can't, because I can't just stay away from you. I love you so much. I'm sorry if I've overreacted, or said things in a way I didn't mean, or misunderstood, and just seemed like a heartless bitch lately, I really don't mean it. I guess I'm still not used to having somebody as good and perfect as you. I love you, no matter what, don't ever forget that, k? And I sorrie..again. Forgive me?
xoxox
Lau melted away at 05:35 p.m. Saturday, November 30, 2002 (no subject)
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This entry is extremely triggering, and Lowell, please don't read this.
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I'm starting to wonder, what's the sense in going on anymore? Ya know, it's not just everyone else that's gets me down. It's myself. I don't like who I am, and it's not because of what everyone else says. It's the me everyone else knows nothing about. The stupid, selfish, childish, me. I can't deal with things like everyone else. I see things different than everyone else, and I can't even tell them! I can't tell anyone who I really am, or how I really feel. Jeezuz, I can't even answer anybody's questions. Nobody's. They ask me, and I can't decide. I've got so many things floating around in my head, that I can't decide anything. I'm starting to think I'm borderline. Which means I'm like my mother. So in other words, I should just shoot myself now. It's so hard, I can never tell anyone how I truly feel, and I don't know why. Something won't let me. And people don't actually understand that, and not just because I don't tell them, but because it's something you have to feel to understand, because it's so complicated. I've also found that it's completely impossible to full out cry in front of someone. Even someone I trust with my life. It's not because I don't trust them, my body just won't allow it. I've tried. I can't. I can't truly cry. It's frustrating. I'm really thinking that there's no reason to stay here. Besides Lowell that is, but I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt him. Disappoint him. Why should I stay here..I'm slowly driving myself insane, and I can't deal with it anymore. I wish I could make people understand. Everything's driving me nuts. I should be locked away. With the combination of OCD, PTSD, SI, Depression, and possible Borderline..yeah..I'm off my rocker. Someone needs to lock me away. Or shoot me. Please, just shoot me. I truly can't deal with this. Everyone says how good of a person I am, but I'm not. I'm really not. I'm starting to think that maybe I'd be better off distancing myself from everyone completely so I won't hurt them. But I can't. Especially not from Lowell, he's my world and I can't lose him. But I don't want to hurt him. But I refuse to leave him, and I never will no matter what. But I know, that if him and I had never met, I'd have been dead by now. Plain and simple. But back to the subject..what reasons do I have to live? Let's see...
1. To please everyone else
That's the one that gets me. I could never leave him. I don't want to. I won't.
There's really no cure to what I have. None what so ever. Every doctor will come out and say that. There's no cure. And there'll probably never be one. Atleast not while I'm alive, so what's the sense? If there's no cure, that means things aren't going to get better. So I can live to see everything get worse. Wonderful.
Oh..and the reason I didn't want Lowell to read this. I'm afraid that he's going to think he brought me down and made me think this, but he didn't. I've been thinking this for awhile now..especially earlier. Which is why it took me so long to get back to him about role-playing..because I was upset, and trying not to cry. So I decided to put on music and do a little belly dancing. But it didn't particularly work. So then I tried bringing my mood up in other ways. That didn't really work either.
So Lowell, if you're reading this, it's not you. You're the only reason I'm still here right now, and I love you more than life itself.
God, I just want to cry. But I can't. Because my dad is down here, and he can't hear, or see me cry. I won't allow it. I couldn't anyways. My body protects me from that. If he saw me cry, I'd have to explain, and then the rest of my life would go to hell.
I wish I could sleep the rest of my life away, and just live in my dreams. Maybe then everything would be okay.
But I could never be that lucky. Lau melted away at 10:30 p.m. Saturday, November 30, 2002 Couldn't resist...Lau melted away at 06:42 p.m. Thursday, November 28, 2002 Ugggghhhh....
*grumbles* I have a feeling I'm going to be getting my period soon. There's like...almost physical signs...and it hurts and burns "down there"...it never has before..but it's driving me fuckin insane! >_< That and I'm starting to get stomach cramps. *beats the nearest tree with a stick* o.O;; God I hate being a woman.
Today's thanksgiving too. I hate thanksgiving. The only thing I like about it is the fact that I get to bake. But right now, I really don't feel like baking. *curls up in the nearest corner*
Why?? Why can't MEN deal with this bs! Lucky fuckin bastards! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lau melted away at 01:03 p.m. Thursday, November 21, 2002 Ana
Very few people actually understand why people would wanna be Ana. Why they wouldn't just stop, besides the whole self-esteem issue. They say it's disguisting, and wrong, and things like that. They don't take time to try and understand it. First of all, Ana isn't all that it seems. It's not just that people don't eat because of their self-esteem, it's also an addiction. Most people hate the pang you get in your stomach when you're hungry, and love the feeling of being full. Well, for people who are Ana, people like me, it's the complete opposite. They grow to love the feeling of being hungry, it become second nature to them. It doesn't hurt, like it does normal people, because their so used to it. They also despise the feeling of being full. It's an awful feeling. Eventually, the feeling of being hungry becomes completely addicting. It's all that you want, and all that you need. They never eat until their full. I, myself, have not been completely full in a very long time. I always have the feeling that I could eat if I really wanted to. You know the feeling, when you're not particularly hungry, but you could eat anyways, because you're just a little hungry? That's what I always feel. I could always eat, but I don't. It's normal to me to have that feeling. I never, ever eat until I'm full. I get this feeling, that tells me to stop eating at a certain point. If sometime, I do eat until I'm full, or anywhere close, I punish myself for it.
Rarely do people understand this. It's an addiction. Like cigarettes, or pot, or alcohol. It's not easy to get rid of. And you know what? I don't want to get rid of it. It's all I know. I don't want to force myself to eat until I'm full so that I can live uncomfortably. But I'm a real hypocrite. I don't think others should do it. I know it's unhealthy. I know people shouldn't. But I don't care what happens to me. As long as I'm comfortable, I don't care what happens to myself in the long run. I don't care about myself. But I care about my friends, because I don't want to see this happen to them.
I know that I should be hospitalized right now. If anybody knew about this, I would be. I'm hurting myself. I know I am. I'm becoming weak. I get sick every time I turn around. I can't see straight, I can't think straight, I can't control my moods, and you can count all my ribs. But I don't care. Nobody's going to find out, and nobody's going to hospitalize me. I can take care of myself. As long as I don't let anyone know what happens. As long as they don't know how much I control what I eat. As long as I don't let them know that I can't remember some things, because I just..pass out. As long as they don't know so many things, I'll be okay. I'll take care of myself. I'll survive, I always do. And if I don't, they I guess I wasn't meant to.
Lau melted away at 10:14 a.m. Monday, November 4, 2002 Somewhat Damaged
lick around divine debris
made the choice to go away
broken bruised forgotten sore
broken bruised forgotten sore
in the back
tried to say
how could i
just like you
how could i
like you said
Lau melted away at 09:17 p.m. Monday, November 4, 2002 Ugh...(deleted) Lau melted away at 09:12 p.m. Tuesday, October 29, 2002 Damn.
This is the first in awhile that I've truly started going down. The last time..I was just a bit unstable. Now, I'm just down. Things have been alright for the past week or so, but mom just came in here and I couldn't stand her touching me, I almost flipped. Of course..I'm also 40mins and counting..late on my meds. Tonite's my last night where I'm on 25mg's, tomorrow I'm upped to 50mg's. I'm wondering how it will effect me. I wondering if these things are really making things better. I feel like I'm crashing harder. Not as often, but still. Damn. I dunno. Maybe I'm just irritable because I'm sick. I really don't know.
On a completely different subject, I'm no longer a virgin. I don't regret though. I'm living life for the moment. Dammit.
I also figured out a few other things. And I told Lowell my deepest..darkest secret. Scary. But I feel much better. For once I can be myself around someone..amazingly..
Today is crawling by something horrible. It's driving me insane.
Jeezuz fuckin krist..my mom just walked in here and almost saw the screen. *swallows her heart again* God damn..
Yep. I'm awake now.
I haven't cried in awhile. But I feel the need to. Don't know why. And I don't know what to make of it. Maybe I'll just go take my shower. Or something.
Oyasumi. Lau melted away at 07:38 p.m. Friday, October 25, 2002 *yawn*
I just forgot what I was going to write.
Hm.
Ah fuck it I'm goin to bed.
>_>
MEEP!
Lau melted away at 08:55 p.m. Friday, October 25, 2002 DOOM!!
o.O Don't mind me..I'm listening to the techno remix of 'The Doom Song' from Invader Zim. bwahaha. I'm in a ridiculously good mood. I just saw my Tori! It's so strange. I mean, when you used to hang out with someone alot when they were young, and then they move away, and you don't see them very often, you don't picture them actually growing up. You still see them as the cute, innocent little four year old who you used to play in the sandbox with. Wow. My Tori grew up! *tear tear* She's gonna stop by again tomorrow, and she'll be up next weekend. It was weird though, we didn't know what to say to each other. Crazy'ness...
And as for my updates. Wednesday I had to go to the doctor's. XP Meh. I tried to avoid the whole "depression" topic, but to no avail. Mom told him about how I was feeling, so I had to explain. So he diagnosed me with Depression. Now I'm on Zoloft, 25mg for a week to get my body used to it, then 50mg from then on, or until I go back, and he decides I need more, if I do. Who knows. So yeah, that was fun.
Also on Wednesday, my mother bitched at me in the middle of the doctor's office, which royally pissed me off. I got weighed, which royally pissed me off. 112lbs. Jeezuz Krist. Then I found out at that my Aunt Soni doesn't approve of me anymore. My Aunt Soni who I used to love to spend time with, who was the funnest person in the world, always happy about me, proud of me. But of course, not anymore. Then after that, mom started asking things like "Was it me that did all this to you?" and I felt ridiculously guilty. So yeah. Oh, and I'm also supposed to be going for ther-rape-y in glens falls. Fun stuff. So I'm a little negative about the whole situation..so what. I have every right to be. Dammit.
I also had a very interesting (and fun) sexual encounter yesterday. hehehe....I love lowell ^_^
CLEAN LEMONY FRESH VICTORY IS MINE!!!!!!
But I neeeed tacos! I need them or I'll explode! That happens to me sometime...
o_O Gotta love Invader Zim ^_^ Gotta love Jhonan Vasquez. He's one sexy bitch. Even though I don't know what he looks like >_> Wait! Yes I do! He has red hair. Yes, I saw a picture of his hair. And it was some sexy hair.
Wow. He's actually pretty short. And not exactly sexy. Lowell is sexy though. He's the sexiest man on earth. ^_^
I'M DAAAAAANCIN LIKE A MONKEY!!!!!!
Gir moment. Ahem. IZ IS TAKING OVER MY BRAIN!!!! AHHHH!
WOAH< WHAT"S WITH THIS< MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS OFF< BUT ITS TYPING EVERYTHING ALL>>>CAPS LOCK LIKE>>>AND MY PERIODS ARE THESE THINGIES >>>>>>>>>>>>> AND MY COMMAS ARE THESE ONES <<<<<<
THATS PRETTY QUEER
SO NOW EVERYTHING I TYPE IS CAPATALIZED>
alright< now caps lock is on< and everything"s alll>>>>>mini like> lemme see if i can fix this>>>
DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There. I fixed it.
My meds are wearing off. I wanna cry for some psychotic reason. But I'm hyper. That's pretty fucked.
Wow, I forgot I had this open. It's been about 20 mins. And in those 20 minutes, I've disappointed my mother once again and--blah--trigger'isms..gotta get back into the habit..
*T*
I've done everything I can to not *c*. I can't take my meds for another hour and a half. I don't think it was the meds that had me happy, I think it was just...this temporary..oh my god things are gonna get better..type of thing. Until I actually stayed home for awhile. Damn.
I've managed to find a few alternatives to *c*. I tie something really tight around my arm in a few different places. It's not pain, but it's pressure, and it works sometimes. The rubberband doesn't work anymore. Neither does sucking on a piece of ice. I can't even let myself around a piece of ice. So I don't. I try exercising to get my mind off things, but then I end up exercising myself to exhaustion. I remember what happened last time..
*Trigger inside a Trigger*
The night Cal died..not a fun night. I was so fuckin upset. I cried harder than I had in awhile. It started off before I found out he was gone, but I was just upset..because I wasn't sure how he was, and I missed him. And I had eaten to much that day, so I exercised myself until I couldn't move. Then I found out he was gone. I cried so fuckin hard. I believe I called Lowell too. Later that night, I completely lost my mind. I *c* 49 times all together, on my wrists, stomach, upper arms, and inner thighs. When I first do it, it doesn't actually hurt until afterwards. So I'm sitting there looking for some pain, and not getting any, so I keep going, all the way up to 49. And then I stopped, because it all hit me, it was such a huge pain, all at once, that I started losing my breathe, and things got wicked fuzzy, and I passed out on the floor. I woke up a few hours later and crawled into bed. When I woke up the next morning, it hurt like hell to move, or to walk. I swear, I hid in the bathroom half that day just crying because it hurt so bad.
Had to get that out for some strange reason. Why am I so fucked up....there's so many things I can't fully kick. And you know what's scary? If I didn't have lowell, I wouldn't try and kick any of them. The only reason I am, is because of him. If I didn't have him, I would still be doing everything, most likely every day. And I prolly would have --
Lowell just called me. And I lost my train of thought. Damn him and his making me smile. >_<
I love him.
And now I'm off the phone. He's gonna call me back later. Alright, so now I'm a bit back up. Damn emotions. And now I wanna cry again. AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
*sigh* I have to have pizza for dinner. It's my favorite food, but I always feel horrible after eating it. I'll just do extra sit-ups I guess.
I'm worried about all my §§ girls. They barely post anymore, and I rarely get to talk to them. I really hope they're doing well. I don't know what I'd do if I lost any of them. They've helped me so much. They're more like family than my real family is. They mean the world to me.
I forgot what I was just gonna say. 6:30..jeezuz time goes by so damn slow sometimes. I started writing this at 5:22 though. So. eh. I dunno.
Heh..jeezuz. I just found the old site addy for the Sohei-Saolin Temple. It's not actually there anymore though. But still..lol. It was this elite league of "warriors" back when I used to role play like..everyday. I lived for role-playing, I swear, lol. But yeah, what's his face only asked a very select amount of people to go. I was the second one to go. You had to navigate your way through the site through hidden links and all, then find the temple (a chat) once you did, you went in there to train. I made it of course. I was the only woman warrior ever asked and accepted. I feel special.
That was all quite random. I'm listening to "Into the Void" by NIN. It reminds me of Tanya. I'm not quite sure why. I haven't talked to her in like..forever. Haven't talked to Derek in awhile either. It's hard, I never catch him on. I miss 'em both. Not Tannie Tanya, but the other Tanya Tanya. But I miss Tannie too. I miss all my §§ girls. The one that I really haven't heard from in awhile is Annie. I haven't heard from her in...damn...wow, awhile. I hope she's doing well...I just checked her diary. She's alright, I hope.
God..everyone's so close. All my girls. They're all so close, but I'm just....there. They all know what's going on with each other and once again..I'm just...here. *sigh* I feel horrible. I don't even know why they actually let me in to the §§..but I'm really glad they did. I just wish I was closer with them..I feel horrible. I love them all so much..it's just so hard...
Gotta go eat..blah...
Lau melted away at 6:51 p.m. Tuesday, October 22, 2002 Later..
Well, it's later. Kinda. I didn't end up going out to get something to eat. Don't get me wrong, I did eat dinner, mom just didn't believe me and wanted me to eat something else.
Boredom.
I'm continuing to go through role-playing withdrawl, but my mood won't allow me to role-play. Argh.
There I go with the pirate'ism again.
Anyways...yeah. I dunno. I'm so moody and such tonite. And I still need a hug. I really really need a hug. *pout*
I also need to call lowell. I believe he signed offline. Something's wrong. *pout* Gots ta go call him. Oh..nevermind. He just messaged me. He's still on. Sweet. I don't think he's really getting my messages though. Gr. I dunno. I feel like I'm gonna cry. I don't know why though. So frustrating. I think I'll go to bed. Well, not exactly to bed, but in the area of my bed atleast. G'nite.
Lau melted away at 08:37 p.m. Tuesday, October 22, 2002 Argh..
I'm a pirate now...arggghhh...
Ahem.
JEEZUZ FUCKIN KRIST YOU STUPID BITCH CAN'T YOU ACT YOUR GOD DAMNED AGE?! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO SICK OF HAVING TO BE THE FUCKIN PARENT AROUND THIS FUCKIN HOUSE!!!!
*kills caps lock key*
Alright..calming..
I'm so sick of her acting like she's two. It's not funny. It's foolish. It's foolish to a ridiculous degree. It's annoying. It's embarrassing. It's unneeded. And I'm not her little girl. I grew up. A long god damned time ago. I'm not her's anyways. I don't know why I even told her about my OCD. She can't respect it. I wanted to door closed and she's like "Well..why?" And I told her..because I'm used to having doors closed, so she closes it most the way, but leaves open just enough so I can tell. UGH! And if I close it, she'll start giving me that "Well what's your problem?" bullshit. Just because I closed a door. She thinks it's against her. Stupid Bitch. And she saw scratches on my upper arm so she starts asking me questions. She never cared before, and it's too late to start caring..or atleast acting like she cares, now. God I can't stand her. I was so close to standing up and smacking her. She keeps acting like she's 5, and treating me like I'm 5, all at the same time. It's annoying as fuck and I'm sick of dealing with it. Stupid fuckin bitch. Everything was fine. It was all fuckin fine until she got home. GOD I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!
I'm really pissed. I really wanna role play. But I can't. Because now I'm all pissed. I can't role play when I'm pissed. Especially one I've never done before. Like Lowell's. I really wanna do it with him..but I'm just afraid I'm not gonna do it good enough..I don't have much experience in that type of stuff and I don't know what to do. I keep thinking I should get back into role playing itself before I try something knew, but it really doesn't matter. I wanna role play with him dammit! Ugh! It's frustrating! And I would have! I prolly would be right now! If bitch-face hadn't ruined my fuckin good mood! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I gotta go pretend to eat. I'll write again later. Or try to atleast.
*sigh* I need a hug. Lau melted away at 07:00 p.m. Sunday, October 20, 2002 Hm..
What a day. What a past couple of days. Mom and I got in another fight on Thursday. I've been acting about everything ever since then. It's ripping me apart.
She woke me up yelling. Yelling over nothing. She hadn't been that psychotic in awhile. But she was. She was completely out of her mind. The whole morning, she was yelling about absolutely nothing. It made no sense. And then she started hitting me. I don't remember where exactly. But I have a huge fuckin bruise on my upper left leg. It hurt to walk for the next two days. Now it just hurts if I touch it. I got so scared, that I couldn't move. After she stormed out of the room, I just stood huddled in the corner of the bathroom. I couldn't move, I was shaking so bad. Then she came in and dragged me out of the corner and made me pick something up off the floor. I'm losing track of the order of things that happened..so if it doesn't make much sense, i'm sorry. But I remember eventually being able to go up to my room, and once I got in my room, I closed my door, walked over to the middle of my room, stood there for a second, and then dropped to my knees and broke down in tears. I haven't cried that hard in so long. I was shaking so bad..and I was so scared..and I was trapped. It was a combination of an attack and just being plain upset. And it lasted for about an hour. Fun. Anyways, eventually, I made myself calm down, and I grabbed a pair of jeans and went downstairs and went back into the bathroom. I dropped the jeans on the floor, and took off my robe, and stood there and just stared at myself in the mirror. I ended up standing there, in a complete trance, just thinking..and crying..for about 20 minutes. Then mom came back in and startled me out of it. I thought she was going to kill me. I was so god damned scared. But she just yelled a little bit, and I sat down and took it all..but then eventually, I started yelling things back, and crying, and she started asking questions, and we actually started talking. I told her the stuff she's done..and she didn't remember..and she apologized..she hugged me and I just cried..she told me that she loves me more than anything, that she can't live without me, that I'm everything to her. I swear..that's when I just lost everything. I just wanted to scream, and I've wanted to ever since.
What am I supposed to think? She's done so much..and then she tells me all this..I can't deal with this. Not two people. And she made me feel so guilty..that I wanted to leave. I told her I couldn't deal with it anymore. I told her about my OCD. About my Ana. I hate this. I hate me. I hate her. No I don't. Yes I do. I don't know. Jeezuz, I can't do this.
Alright. I'm done being psycho now. I want a mother. I want one more than anything. I want someone to care. I want a mother to care. I wish someone could understand. I'm so numb. God..there's so much I want to explain..but I just can't. I want to talk to someone, but I can't ask anyone. I want to cry to someone, but I can't. I can't just ask someone. I feel horrible if I do. I'm so weak. But if I don't talk to someone, I'm going to lose my mind. Jeezuz..the other night, it took everything I had to keep myself here. Suicide never seemed so reasonable. I just sat there, and I went completely numb. Just all of the sudden. I couldn't feel any emotion. It was scary...I've never felt anything like it. Well..I have...once..but I don't want to think about that...
I need help. I want to talk to someone so bad. Especially right now. I almost came out and asked Lowell if I could call and talk to him..but I can't put that burden on him. I can't put it on anyone.
Or maybe I'm just being weak.
Again.
Why can't I ever be normal...
Lau melted away at 09:11 p.m. Monday, October 14, 2002 This is how I die
Who are you
Lau melted away at 02:28 a.m. Sunday, October 13, 2002 [Untitled]
I feel horrible. For so many reasons. The first thing on my mind, is I did something wrong. Something that upset lowell, or pissed him off or something. But I didn't. He said I didn't, but his mind thinks I did. I think it was about the whole role-playing thing. He asked if I'd teach him how to fight, and I said I would. Then I asked him if he wanted to come in a chat with me and Kev, because Kev would probably be bothering me to fight anyways. I think he took it as, I would role play with Kev, but not with him. That's not how I meant it. I don't want to role-play..at all. But I've told him no so many times, that I decided I wouldn't say no this time. And since Kev wanted me to remind him of the rules and all, I figured Lowell could come in the room with us, and I'd teach him, and Kev could watch, and after that, I might possibly fight with Kev. But I think he took it wrong. And anyways, he said he's gotta meet him one of these days. But he took it the wrong way, I think. If that's even it. I'm just taking random guesses, because I don't know what to think.
So that's bothering me. Not only that, but it's just been a bad night since I got home. I was in a wicked good mood..and then I came home. Mom was just being her normal self. She says everything as if it's an insult. She treats me like I'm five. Everything I do, she finds something wrong with it. She always finds someway to bring me down. She makes me feel like someone I'm not. Well..that I don't think I am. She makes me feel selfish. And I'm starting to believe it again. That's a whole other story.
I'm really not a true friend. I've been looking through my strong sisters' diaries on TOD lately, and I realized how much they know about each other. All these inside jokes they have. How they know everything that's going on with each other. And I realized that I don't. I don't know the story behind their lives. I don't know what's going on with them lately. I feel so cast out. And it's my own damn fault. My own fault for drawing into my own world, and not giving a damn about everyone else. I really thought I was caring for them. I thought I was trying my hardest to help them. Then I found out I was wrong. I'm such a selfish bitch.
I'm surprised I can even write. I haven't been able to lately. I can't cry. I can't feel anything..but I can. I'm numb..but I'm not. I can't cry, but I can feel an unbearable pain, and can't do anything about it. I can't even understand it.
Suicide is an interesting thing. It's so easy to do when you have no feeling. And I don't have much feeling left. It seems so possible. Before, it didn't feel as real. It was a possibility, kind of. I knew I wouldn't actually do it. Somewhere deep inside..I knew it. It was more of a dream than anything. But it seems so real now..and I really don't know what to make of it.
I'm talking to Lowell again. Well..kinda. I asked if he was still there..and he just shrugged. I don't think he wants to talk to me. I wish I knew what I did. But I don't need to know. I don't deserve to know. Because I'm selfish. I don't tell him things like that. I try to keep everything to myself, because I'm afraid I'll hurt him. Pretty much whatever I do, I hurt him. I don't know why he puts up with me.
I wish I could feel. But the only thing I can feel...is all my feeling slipping away. Fuck... Lau melted away at 10:48 p.m. Friday, October 4, 2002 Untitled
-LMB 10/4/02 Lau melted away at 09:42 p.m. Sunday, September 29, 2002 I miss you
Every now and then, we find a special friend, who never lets us down
Oh god I miss Sasha..I miss her more than everything. And I never got to say goodbye. That was a song between her, me and Cal. The three of us were so close, and that was the song between us, in case something ever happened to anyone of us, that's what we wanted each other to know. I miss them, I miss them so much. I miss everyone...I've just..lost everyone. Derek is pissed at me, I swear. Tori, barely talks to me. I got the strangest look from Teri the other day. I've lost so many people...it hurts. I don't know what to do. I dunno. I think I'm just going to go out of my mind. I just want to cower to someone tonite, go cry to someone. I want someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. So simply, I'm being a stupid, weak, scared little girl. I just want to talk to someone. But I won't. I'm not going to go complain to anyone. I won't do that to them. But I want to, so damn bad. Maybe I should just go to bed. Well, go lay in bed anyways. Then cry for awhile, then fall asleep. Then wake up in the morning, and start everything all over again. God I hate this. And I'm rambling. Ugh. Gr. That's it, goodnight.
Lau melted away at 10:14 p.m. Monday, September 16, 2002 Thoughts
This entry is dedicated to all the assholes who think my life is a game...to everyone who has screwed things up royally..
Dearest assholes,
You've cut me down, you've beaten me, you've broken me, you've even killed me. Well guess who's back from the dead? You all think my life is some little game you can play. You think I'm your little pawn that you can toy with. You poke and prod at me like a little lab mouse. You see how much you can do to me, how much you can hurt me, just how much you can put me through before I go out of my mind. You tried to push my buttons. Well, you pushed the wrong ones. Because, you see, things are going to change. And they're going to change now. I heard a little something today. A quote. "All her doubts were someone else's point of view." And it really struck close to home. Everything finally sunk in. I bet you all think your tough shit, don't you? Well I guess it's about time for me to knock you off the little pedastel you've placed yourself on, and do some royal ass-kicking. From now on, I listen to me. Not you. All my doubts, are everyone else's opinions. I never really, truly, listened to myself. Well, that's changing. Now, I'm in control. And from now on, it's my game. I make up the rules. I choose the players, but I do the playing.
And you know what? I'm not a horrible person. I'm a decent person. I'm not selfish. I'm not stupid. Not an idiot, not self-centered, not uncaring, not stuck-up, not egotistical. I'm loyal. I'm stubborn. I can be selfish, I can be greedy, but no more than the normal human being. I'm determined. I'm smart. I'm friendly. I'm caring. I'm loving. I'm thick headed at times. I worry. I can be paranoid. I cry. I laugh. I rise. I fall. I'm me. And you know what? I'm damn proud of it. I'm me, I've always been me, and I'll always be me, and I wouldn't want to be anyone else, besides me.
And you know what else? I'm not ugly. I'm not fat. I'm actually the perfect weight for my height, maybe a few pounds under. There's nothing wrong with that. And I'm not hideous. I may be attractive to some, but not to others. That's no big deal. A matter of opinion, and you know what? Only one person's opinion on that subject even matters. And that's the one I love. I could be ugly. More to some than others. I could be hideous if I wanted. But I can be cute. I can be seductive. I could be sexy if I really wanted. But truly, to myself, I'm beautiful. Why? Because I'm myself. And that's all I want to be. I'm perfectly content.
Now don't get me wrong, I haven't turned into some egotistical bitch. I know my strengths, and I take pride in them. And I know my flaws as well. And hell, there's alot of them. Too many to count. But I'm proud of them as well, because they're part of me. I know there'll be times when I'll go down. Times I'll be ridiculously depressed. But you know what? I'm a damn strong woman, and I'll get through it. I know I will. In that, I have no doubts. Others may, but I don't. And that's never going to change. I have a future to look forward to. A bright future. And for once, finally, I think I'm actually finding hope.
So, how do you like me now, assholes? It's my game now. And the fun is just beginning. But there's no doubt that I'll win.
Well, I have to be going. I've got sleep to catch up on, and I've got a school day to get through tomorrow. I've got classes to pass. And with flying colors. G'nite! Lau melted away at 10:28 p.m. Sunday, September 15, 2002 Blah.
Hi.
My weekend sucked.
Bye. Lau melted away at 03:02 p.m. Sunday, September 8, 2002 I sit and wonder, what am I doin here..
I love this song. Santa Monica by Savage Garden. I just love Savage Garden. I've figured out that my archived pages are being a pain in the ass. When I change the links, they don't change on all the pages, so you get to see the process of my diary *rolls eyes* how delightful. Anyways. I'll have to do some revisions before I archive this page. Which means finishing all the html bullshit. Joooyy. *sigh* What a weekend it's been. I updated about Friday night...about yesterday..well..yesterday sucked, let's just leave it at that for now. Today my parents are acting like nothing happened. Nothing ever happens, does it? Jeezuz Krist. I managed to calm down about the whole Matt situation, but I'm still pissed, and for his sake, I still hope he doesn't decide to call anytime soon. I was on the warpath last night. I was pissed at my parents, pissed at my friends, pissed at Matt, pissed at anyone who had ever done anything to me worth being pissed about. I was an evil bitch from hell. I think I got my emotions worked up way to much though, because by about 9:30 or so, I had a huge ass headache, and it made me all dizzy and shit. I was still at Lowell's at the time, but I was supposed to be going to Niki's gram's house. I just wanted to go home. Actually, I wanted to stay at Lowell's. I feel safe when I'm with him, he makes me feel like I'm going to be alright. I feel different when I'm with friends. I mean, I love my friends, but it's just not the same as being with Lowell. I don't know if they understand that or not, but they should. They've all done the same and I've understood. Of course, things never work both ways, do they? Wow. I don't know why I'm so pissed. Well, I do. But I don't. I don't know. Anyways, as I was saying before I interrupted myself, I ended up walking to Gram's. Lowell walked halfway with me until I met up with Niki. Niki didn't even really seem to care. I mean, she did a little, but not much. So I had to leave Lowell, and walk with Niki. I love Niki to pieces, but I didn't feel good, and I was upset, and I was pissed, and I just wanted my hunnie. But, I went with Niki, and on the way there, we were talking. I told her I wanted to go home, and I told her I was sorry, that I didn't want her to think that I was doing that just to get out of hanging out with her, and she said part of her felt like I was, because the past few times, I've said I haven't felt good. That's what pissed me off.
Okay, the past few times? Well, if I remember correctly, I spent the night at her house last Wednesday so we could go to school together. The time before that, it was supposed to be me, her and Amy all at Amy's house, but I couldn't go for some reason, I don't remember why. The time before that, it was me, her and Amy again, and I went. I don't know what she's talking about. There may be a few other times in there that I didn't wanna hang out because I didn't feel well. Well jeezuz fuckin krist, I wonder why. Things are hell right now. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. My parents are being complete and total assholes, which is hard to deal with as it is. My best friend has disappeared off the face of the earth since her appointment at the mental hospital, and I'm dead afraid of what happened. Everything I've ever dealt with seems to be coming back and kicking me in the ass. I'm crying constantly, and half the time don't even know why. I'm trying to find out just who my friends are. I've felt like shit for the past week and a half to two weeks, because my emotions are going haywire. We started school, and it's already to much to handle with everything else that's going on. I need a job, and I can't get one. I don't have enough clothes to get me through a week. I've fuckin stressed! God. Just because everything's absolutely fuckin peachy with her, doesn't mean it's fuckin fine for everyone else! I'm starting to think that she's just given up on me, that she just doesn't care anymore. I mean, she asks what's going on, but I don't feel like she really cares. I started fuckin crying at Gram's yesterday because I didn't know what to do, because I wanted to go home, but I had no place to go. I said that to, and what did she say? "Hm." That's all.
Wow. I forgot I was writing this. Lowell called, and I got talking to him, then got working on my french homework, then went downstairs, so blah. Yeah. It's been an hour since I started writing. Ha. Woops. But yeah, I'm going over to Lowell's in a lil, so I'm gonna go put my make up on and do my hair and all. I'll write later. Maybe. Who knows. Blah. Ja ne Lau melted away at 12:42 a.m. |
Archive She "All her doubts were someone else's point of view"Greenday Truly,Madly,Deeply I'll be your dreamI'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need I'll love you more with every breathe Truly, madly, deeply do... Savage Garden Closer I wanna fuck you like an animalI wanna feel you from the inside I wanna fuck you like an animal My whole existance is flawed You can be closer to god.. NIN "May the wrath of my gods drop something evil upon thoust head..." "My life is rapidly becoming the punch line for a seriously derranged joke." "Once..I made a hat...out of a lobster...and a stick." "That is not dead which can eternal lie And with strange eons death itself may die" H.P. Lovecraft Bloodline I'll kill you and your dreams toniteBegin new life Bleed your death upon me Let your bloodline feed my youth Slayer |
