| The truth is, I'm a blunt person. People don't like blunt people. Especially blunt people who tell the truth. People think that when I'm telling the truth, I'm saying things to be nasty. I'm not. People say that the things I say come across wrong. Who says they're wrong? Maybe that's just how I convey my feelings. Maybe people just need to get to know me better. Why is that so wrong? So many people have asked me why I never show people my true side. This is why. Because I haven't come across one person yet who I've shown this to, who hasn't hated me for it. Or gotten angry at me for it. Or hurt me for it. It's never happened. Yeah, I've made mistakes in life. I'm made mistakes in Lowell and I's relationship. But the things I supposedly did, I didn't do on purpose. When I said something that hurt him, I didn't mean for it to hurt him. At all. I don't know how to help people how they want to be helped. Alot of people just want me to say "Oh hunnie, it'll be okay, you're wonderful, beautiful, and I love you." They want me to baby them. And many times, yes, I do. But not all the time. Sometimes people need to hear the truth. But maybe I'm wrong, you know? Maybe people don't, and maybe it's not my place. Maybe it's not right for me to want to do what I want to do. Maybe I'm supposed to do what others want to do, so that they will be happy. Yeah, it sounds stupid, but it doesn't matter how many times someone tells me that's not the right way to be, I need someone to show it to me. God, I've made so many mistakes in our relationship. Because I'm always at one extreme or another. I can't just take things lightly, it's always extreme for me. Because I've never been in a good relationship. Any type of relationship. At home, it was always one extreme or another. Nothing was ever "okay". It was either wrong, or right. Nothing was just okay. Nothing was balanced. Most of the time, I was extremely wrong, and never the extreme right. Atleast that's what I was told, for as long as I can remember. So then I enter a bad relationship. And the day that ends, I enter an extremely good relationship. And it's hard. Because I've never known it. So I go to the other extreme. I try to be perfect, I try to do everything perfect, I do everything I do to make him happy. But now, that I'm starting to get to know myself, I have periods, where I try to do things to keep my happy, to be perfect for myself. Because I'm told that that's what I supposed to do. But then I feel bad about that, and go back to trying to be perfect only for him, etc. I can't just be balanced. And that causes problems, and I don't know how to fix it. I know I need time, but should I really be putting him through this, just because I need time? He's dealt with it for over 2 years now, he doesn't need this. Granted, we put each other through alot, we're both going through alot, but I just feel like mine is..worse. The things I do are worse. I don't know. All this thinking gave me a headache. >_< My mother's a bitch. Yeah, it's been almost a year since she's done anything physical to me. But I think I'd rather have the random punches than the mental shit. She doesn't want me going anywhere. I hung out with a few friends on Sunday for 2 hours, then came home, and hung out with Lowell for about 3 hours Monday. So I asked to hang out with the same friends today for a couple hours. Big mistake. I had to go threw hell and back for it. A whole lot of a guilt, a whole lot of bitchings, and a lot of "You're a fuckin bitch", "You're useless", "You don't do anything, or care about anybody", "You're a stupid whore", "You're an idiot", things like that. Apparantley I had seen to much of Lowell already this week. When she said this, it was only Tuesday. So yeah, I can't do anything Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday or Sunday. Anyways, getting off track. My mother insults me everytime I turn around. I'm not allowed to spend time with others unless I do something for her. In her eyes, I'm a bitch, a whore, a scumbag, an idiot, and I care for nobody. I don't do anything for her, or anyone else. I'm supposed to hug her and tell her I love her, even though everytime she comes near me I'm afraid she'll beat the hell out of me. If I joke around with her, I get in trouble. If I drop something as little as a sock on the floor on accident, all hell breaks loose. It's a bit much. My dad .. I don't know how I stand on how he views what mom does, and used to do to me. But I can't leave, because I love my daddy. And because I don't have the balls to do it and not come back. I just want to leave her, not my dad. I'm a bitch of a girlfriend. I treat Lowell like shit, I don't listen enough, I have to big of an ego, and I don't do enough for him. He's all I've really got, and I feel like I'm losing him. I don't really have many, if any friends that I can just go hang out with. If I hang out with them, it's because Lowell is. I'm just the girlfriend. Which is more than I deserve, considering I'm too much of a bitch to show them who, and how, I truly am. I don't sleep at night, atleast not a full, rested sleep. Every minute I'm awake, there's some morbid little movie playing in my head. I'm always paranoid, I always think something's out to get me. I bend over backwards for so many people. I've tried my damndest to save their lives. And all they can do, is turn it all around. Use me to get pity from everyone else. Nearly everytime I've tried to help someone, I've hurt them. Or they've used how I helped them, to hurt me. I suck at my job. I don't have the balls to do anything I should be doing. I have absolutely no control over my life. I have to let my mother control it, to keep myself safe, and I can't that anymore at this point. You can only be fake for so long. I'm sick of it being expressed to me how much of a disappointment I am, and how much I hurt others. Anorexia never leaves you. It'll always be in the back of my mind. Same with Self Injury. I'll always have this past to look back on. So tell me, what wonderful reason do I have to try to recover from anything? When the one time I'm really feeling better about myself, the one time that I really think my life is heading somewhere, everything gets tossed right back at me. I fall right on my ass again. I'm sick of getting back up, I'm sick of finally starting to feel happy, just to have it taken away. Do you know - can you even imagine - how much that takes out of a person? When they're finally getting some control over their life, finally starting to feel like they might feel safe for once, it just gets taken away? It just doesn't seem worth it to me. It just doesn't go away. This shit, just doesn't go away. I hate decisions like this. You know, this is funny. It's just hilarious. Everytime I'm slightly down, or anything, there's always someone around. Someone calls, someone's online, someone posts, something. But when I'm really down. When I'm really struggling, when I'm really on the tip of things that I shouldn't be anywhere near - everyone's gone. There's no-one. I just don't know how to take that. So, I really treat you like shit, huh? I twist your words around and throw them back at you, I think that you're always doing everything wrong, whenever I talk to you about why I did the way I did, I'm not really trying to make things better, huh? Well that's awfully good to know. It's good to know that you know me better than I do. I hate to say it, but you don't know a damn thing you're talking about. I have never twisted your words around and thrown them back at you to hurt you. Yeah, when you say something, I may point it out to you in a different light, but have I done that to you just to throw mud? No. I do that to try and help you. If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, if I thought something was your fault, I'll come out and tell you it's your fault. But apparantley, defending myself is wrong. Explaining myself is wrong. If you can't stand up for yourself, and explain yourself, it's not my fault. And I shouldn't be accused of shit, just because I can do it, myself. I know what I think better than you do, just like you know what you think better than I do. If I thought something was your fault, I think I would know. Another thing. You want me to talk, hm? Well, I do. I talk to you. If you're doing something that makes me uncomfortable, I tell you. If you said something that bothers me, I tell you. But that's always wrong. Because if I express myself in that way, you get angry. You say that you can't do what you feel, only what I feel. And that that's my fault. Do you want me to lie to you? Well I'm not going to. I'm a blunt person, I'm going to tell you how I feel. If you want me to lie to you, don't tell me you want the truth. Yeah, I know you can't always hold yourself up, and I know it's hard for you to have enough confidence to do what you believe in, but don't blame that on me. Don't say that it's me that makes you do things. Because I don't. You run your own life. Yes, my opinion may influence you, but it's you who makes the decision in the end. This isn't fair to me. I need to be able to express myself, I need to be able to do and say what I feel. And I need to be able to trust that you won't get pissed at me everytime I do. Do me a favor. Tell me how you truly feel. If you feel I'm a bitch, tell me. Straight out. If you feel I'm not, then tell me. But don't change your opinion of me and how I act everytime your mood changes. I need to know for sure and I need to know now. But of course, I can't know now. Because you didn't care where I stood. You care where you stand, and where you stand is alone, so you gave up and ran away. Well fine, fuck you too then. Will you come back? Will you cool down and talk to me? Anything? You know how to reach me, but will you? Or will you just curl up in your own little world, and shut everyone, including me, out. Again. You say you don't want to be alone, but look at what you do! You get pissed and push everyone away, so that you continue to be alone, and then you get pissed at them, because you're alone. Like I said. You know how to reach me. Granted, I know how to reach you as well, but I'm not going to be the one to call back. Yeah, maybe I'm being stubborn, but so be it. I love you more than life itself. Dammit. 0_o; Take it here. Anyways, here's what I got: Items I'm bidding on: I also had a $25 gift card for Barnes&Noble that I spent, on the following items: So yeah, there we go. I also am considering bidding on a lot of 15 un-opened Sailor Moon booster packs from the premiere edition TCG. *shrugs* It's going for $2 now. Dad's gonna kill me if I keep spending my money ^_^;; I'm up to about $70, which isn't bad for what I got. And I'll still have a little under $1000 by GenCon. w00t w00t! ^_______^ Saturday, I got up and went to the bank to open up a checking account, went bday/grad shopping for Kimmy and Jared, and then went home, called random people to figure out what was going on, and then headed to Kimmy's party. Stayed there for awhile, had fun, and then took off for Jared's party. Stayed there from about 6pm until 8am. The first part was..rough, but later on, things evened out, and we had fun. First time I've really spent quality time with Jared, it was nice. We had a few drinks (which ended up in everyone being buzzed/drunk other than me. X_x;), and I showed off with my wonderful alcohol-pouding skills. Bwaha. Nobody thought I had it in me. But it was fun, not because I was drinking or anything, but because I actually spent quality time with Jared. I think I got to know him more in those few hours than I've known him in the past ...oh, I dunno, our whole school career. We also played a fun game of truth or dare, which wound up in us daring each other to sleep X_x; Sunday, after sleeping for about 4 hours, mom came and picked me up and Jared's (I tried my best to look awake, since I wasn't allowed to sleep there X_X; ), and we went to take care of the Hoffman's horses. Then, I came back home, took a nap, got up, played a game with my parents, and left for work at 4:30. Got home around midnight, hung around until I could sleep. The problem is, I can't get ahold of anyone, so that requires each of you to bring about 5 people. Seriously, bring all the friends you can. ^_^ Also, there's a brunch on Sunday, late morning, early afternoon. It's not gonna go to long though, because I have to work at 5 >_< Actually, as it stands now, I have to work on Saturday too, but I'm trying to work that one out. >_<;;;;;; So yes! Invite lots of people, tell everyone! It's hard to believe I'm gonna be 18 tomorrow. d00d. 0_o I'm going to Lowell's in the morning, then we're going up to Stewart's pond to go swimming for a little while, and then I'm coming back home, and mom, dad and I are going to the Japanese Hibachi in Saratoga, like we do every year ^_^ I'm excited. Then Friday I'm going to the Casino, to spend lots of money that I don't have. I had a little over $200, but I'm giving $142.50 to Al, spent $25 on Metroid:Zero Mission, and a few random dollars here and there for dinner at work. So now I have $28 left X_x; But I should get a nice little paycheck tomorrow, since I worked *counts* 26 and 3/4 hours (I think). I usually work 20, so yay. That's $187.25 before taxes. Which should be about..ohh..$0.25 after taxes -______________-;; Anyways, I'm off. If anyone has any questions about this weekend or anything, leave me a comment or e-mail me ^_^ Me: Bwaha. We'll make him have our children and he'll NEVER KNOW. Even better, we'll make him have our evil, goat-raping flesh devouring hippie children! RAWR! Sonya and I are running away to Vegas to get married, and we're going to make Lowell have our children. >_>;; Shh. Don't tell him. o_o And look at that, holy shit, I'm alive! People are really starting to piss me off. "I've been cutting for 2 months now, it's never going to get better, I'll never be able to stop! Nobody ever does.." Well HELLO there sunshine. Almost 8 years, and I'm getting through it. "Anorexia never goes away, it never gets better." Then there'd be a hell of alot more related deaths than there are now. And look at that, I'm still alive. "What's the point in living? Nobody cares for me. My parents hate me." Okay, that's one quote that really pisses me off. Of course, alot of people say it. I probably said it way back when. But I said it when I was venting, and I made that very well known. I think that's fine. Say all you want when you're venting, you're just getting it out. But otherwise..ergh. Okay, I've been pretty damn low, I've been so down, I had no intention on getting back up. But even then, I knew that there was people who cared for me. Granted, there are people out there who truly don't know, due to some mental issues. BUT, the people I'm talking about, DO know. They know damn well that they have people out there who care for them. They know that they have people out there who's heart breaks everytime they say they're going to kill themselves, and they know that we all cry for them CONSTANTLY. So what do they do? They do it MORE. I know what it's like to want someone to say that they love you, to say that they would do anything for you, to say that they care so much, they'd risk their life for you. I know what it feels like to feel like everybody's lying to you. But I never tried to get their attention by hurting them. Never. Because I cared for them just as much as they cared for me. And that one thing, the fact that people cared for me, kept me going. Those people were an inspiration to me. And now, the same people, just keep using me. When I know, that the fact that I stayed up with them for almost 12 hours trying to convince them not to kill themselves, saved their life, all they can say is "You're lucky, I'm just to tired to do it now. But that doesn't mean I won't do it later". Thanks. That really makes ME feel special. I'm not asking for people to see the light, and become all better just by knowing I care for them. But for god sakes, don't be such an ass. I've known these people for about 6 years now. I know them damn well, and I know that they all know that they have people that care for them, including me. And I know that they all know that half of us really have improved. But they ignore it, because they want the attention. And by doing that, they're just bringing all of us back down. So what do they do when they realize this? Come to us and bitch and whine about it, and then do it again. For god sakes. Like I said, I know how it feels. But you don't treat people that way. You don't need to treat people that way. And they know damn well what they're doing. Another thing that's been pissing me off, is how the boards and my group of girls have all been acting lately. A few are just treating it like a support group. You go there to get better, and when you're better, you leave without looking back. After all, it's just there to make you feel better. Hello, we're not just a support group. We're a group of friends. We're like a family, like a bunch of sisters. But there's a few people, who just kinda say..fuck it afterwards. It's not fair. I guess I just have alot on mind. I'm sick of being used by the people I though were always true friends. The people who said they'd always be there for me while, and after I got better. But alot of them aren't. They just keep using me and others for attention. It's shit. They were always an inspiration to me, they always gave me reasons to live, reasons to be safe. Why shouldn't I expect myself and others to be the same for them? Why shouldn't atleast expect them to try, or to atleast say "I'm sorry" when they decide they need to fuck with my head. It's just makes me think. I mean, if the fact that I've recovered, or am recovering from shit means nothing, why should I keep trying? Of course, I am gonna keep trying. I'm just saying, if I mean nothing to them... I dunno. It all just pisses me off. On the up side, I get to get a domain name. It'll prolly be Laurainc.com ^_^ OH! I got a sexy thong =^_^= I had to because of the new pants I got for work, and the only one that was in my size was lacy and almost see-through ish. It makes me feel pretty ^_^ My mom was pissed. I'm not supposed to have thongs at all, especially sexy ones. I'm not even supposed to have sexy bras, or sexy anything. I'm not even allowed to be seen in my night gowns. Mom's afraid someone will have mental sex with me or something. 0_o; But now I have a sexy thong. *dances* Goodness, I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonite -_- I'm tired as hell, but I downed a cup of coffee at work during the last end of my shift, because I was yawning to much. Coffee doesn't usually make me bounce off the wall, but it did for some reason tonite. Over the past few days, I've noticed a bit of a change in myself, especially after coming back from a night of work. Yeah, I feel a bit wiped out, but I feel really accomplished and confident, too. I've been a little more outgoing, and all, which makes me happy. Nobody believed me when I said that getting a job would help me. Well, TOLD YA SO! Bwahaha. OH! DUDE! (LYKE ONG!!11) I got accepted to college, too. Forgot about that ^_^;;; Yay for me! And it turns out my Grad/Bday party will still be on July 10th. It runs from 2pm-5pm, but feel free to leave anytime after that, that's just a general thinger. And Sunday we're gonna have a big brunch (ish) so anybody who would like to show up for the morning/afternoon may. I can't guarantee how long I'll be there though. I'll prolly end up having to go to work at 5pm, but that leaves lots of morning/afternoon time. So yeah! Stop over or else. o_o I'll send out invies with my Graduation announcements (which everyone will get AFTER graduation, because I feel like being different). Okay, so maybe I forgot about them. MAYBE. >_>; Ergh. Today's my first day of work and I'm nervous as hell. This is my first ACTUAL job. I'm scared. Erk. But hey, atleast I'll have money for GenCon, eh? I'm also working for Mrs. Hoffman taking care of her horses from the 13th of July until the 1st of August. So it's all good. I'm pissed off though, because Pete scheduled me for every day that I said I COULDN'T work. Such as..graduation. I told him though, and he changed everything around. I hate having to do that, I'm really un-flexible. But, ah well. I have to find a way home Friday after my appt now, so I can go to work. Other than that, I'm working today, Wednesday and Sunday. All from 5pm - 10pm. It's no big deal, I'm just nervous. And I'm really nervous about putting in for the time I need off. I need July 2nd - 5th off, July 8th off, July 11th off and August 17th - 23rd. The 2nd to 5th, I'm going camping, the 8th is my bday where we do all that family stuff, the 11th will prolly ending being my party instead of the 10th, since as it looks rigth now, about 2 people can make it on the 10th. So, I don't know, I'll figure that out tomorrow. And the 17th - 23rd is GenCon. Pete said it was fine, but I'm still nervous to put it for them off >_>; Good thing I'm only working PT X_x; AHH! I'm leaving in an hour. I'm NERVOUS. I shouldn't me, hell, it's not like I'm gonna DIE or anything, but..eh. I'm sure I'll be fine. But I'm NERVOUS. And to make things even better, I'm all frustrated with the condition of the boards, and all my girls, and it feels like it's all falling apart. And I'm frustrated with my whole family situation, as much as I say I feel better about the whole thing, I DON'T. But you won't hear me admit that any other time >_< I wanna go back to bed. -_- I GOT THE JOB!!I was doubtful, I didn't think I'd get it, but I got it! $7 and hour, about $120/week after taxes. I'll definatley have enough by Gencon. With my first pay check, I'm gonna buy Zero Mission, then give the rest to Al so I can start paying him back ^_^;; YAY! I have orientation on Saturday, and then I start on Monday. And I just turned my application in last saturday. This is great. Yay! Btw Al, if you read this, please tell you mom that I got a job, but thank her very much for me anyways ^_^ Because I know I'll forget to tell you next time I see you -_-; God, I'm so excited about GenCon - even more now. Because I KNOW I'll have enough money. And he said it's absoultely fine that I get that week off, and 4th of July weekend off, and my birthday! w00t! And there's benefits and a spiffy incentive program. Yay! It's the Stewart's in Middle Grove that I'm working at, btw. I believe I forgot to mention that. Anyways, I'm gonna go play Budokai for awhile, because I got pissed off with SM:AS. >_< Stupid Youma and they're 30HP attacks. >>__<< There's a really big problem though. I was told that we may have to have D&D/Vamp on Sundays, and I'll most likely be working on Sundays X_x; I'm gonna try and get either early morning, or late at night, that way we can still do it. And that way I'll have some sort of a life ^_^;; I'm hoping I'll get $8 an hour X_X In other news, Lowell let me borrow his PS2 ^_____________^ So I've been playing DBZ Budokai and Zone of the Enders quite a bit since yesterday. Of course, I didn't get anywhere, because I didn't have his memory card until last night ^_^; But it's all good! I've gotten back into Starcraft, as well. Lowell and I played for like...4 hours yesterday. He kicked my ass in the end, but hey, I did a pretty damn good job until then. But if I hear "Nuclear Launch Detected" one more time, I'm going to go insane @_@ hehe. OH! Just as a head's up for everyone, my graduation-slash-birthday party is Saturday July 10th. You MUST COME. Dammit. Invie's will be sent out with my Graduation announcements..which I still haven't sent out -_-;;;; Meh. Feel free to bring friends and family and all that good stuff. It goes from 2 - 5, but anyone can stay later. That's just an 'ish time. Anyways, I gotta go get ready for my interview. *^_^* Ja! I've found lots of new music interests. Praise Kawaii-Radio. I desperatley want to get some L'arc en Ciel, SOUL'd out and Ayumi Hamasaki CD's. And Utada Hikaru. Meep. X_x; *dances* I found out that there's a Devilman Live Action movie scheduled to come out in Japan this summer. I've got lots of info on it, but if you wanna know it, e-mail Lowell, and ask him to forward you the bazillion page e-mail I sent him, 'cause I'm too lazy to type it all out. X_x; I am SO the queen of..well, finding stuff out. Oh yeah. Anyways, feel free to orgasm at the trailer. I know I did. chemicalxkisses: Poison his cookies. chemicalxkisses: AND HIS SEX! chemicalxkisses: >_>; Pants: Pants will be in this style. The pants will probably be some dark color (black, dark grey, dark blue, olive green), and the crotch part will be metalic silver with bumped-up gold accents. Underneath there will be thigh high sock/tights of (insert colour here) colour. Bracers: Bracers will be similar to the ones in the upper-left of this picture. But, they'll be made to match the crotchy part in the pants (silver with bumped-up gold accents). Cloak: The cloak will be your basic ghetto little red riding hood style, most likely, and will attach around the neck with a tie or clasp. Now here's where I need the help. The cloak can either have a hood, or not have a hood. I'm leaning towards not-a-hood, but I'm not sure. As far as colour goes, I'm lost. It could be made to match the colour of the pants, or be made to match the colour of the thigh-high sock/tights. Or it could be a completley random colour. The thigh-highs could be made to match the cloak, or be a different colour. I don't want to do white, because my skin's so pale, they won't stand out. I don't want them to be the same colour as the pants for the same reason. I probably won't go with black, since the pants will be a dark colour. So I'm lost as far as that goes, too. The thing that's given me the most problem is the top. I was going to go with a mid-riff baring armour'ish shirt. But eh...I don't think so. Too much armour for her. I definatley want to go for mid-riff baring, because I like how it would look. I could make it the same colour as the pants, and leave it at that. I could make it the same colour as the pants, and slit it up the side, and sew it loosely together with a different coloured thread, or with something leather'ish, or attach it with chains. If I attach it with either leather or chains, I should probably have leather or chains somewhere else in the costume, but I'm not quite sure where. I could also have it be a shirt that's the same colour as the pants, and have pieces of armour'ish thing attached in certain areas (for example, bottom of the breast, lining the top and criss-crossed over the ribs). I'm not quite sure what to do for accessories, either. I could go for an amulet, a head-piece, draped chains or leather..There's alot I could do. So whaddya think? I need all the help and opinions I can get. Best Inn Airport Average Price: $49 per night
Overview: This hotel is located 5 miles from downtown Indianapolis and within minutes of the Speedway and the Convention Center. All guestrooms include refrigerators, microwaves, and dial-up Internet access. Guests are offered a complimentary Continental breakfast buffet every morning. Click to see Picture. Property Amenities: Complimentary breakfast, Parking (Free), Fax Machine, Number of Rooms: 42, Safe-Deposit Box - front desk, Express check-in/check-out, Air conditioned public areas, Cribs available, Complimentary Newspapers in lobby, Meeting Room(s) - small groups, Photocopy machines, Wake-up calls, 24-hour front desk, Coffee in lobby, Rollaway beds, Wheelchair accessible. Location: 4585 S Harding St. Convention Center is 5 miles away. Check-in Time: 3pm
Link: Here. I think it sounds perfect, guys. It's not one of the ones that are "in" with the convention, but well..there's only one available hotel that's "in" with the convention left, and it's almost $600 total. Eep. So check it out, lemme know what ya think. <3
Don't laugh at me X_x; I laughed enough at myself. Also! I added my latest sitey called Ethereal for my TCG's. Check it out!
It was all very fun. Steph and I went underwear shopping in Victoria's secret, hunnie bought me a new CD, I got a big furry ball of doom (DOOOOM!) from McDonald's. Oh yeah. Lau's To-Do List
That's ALL! If anybody requests any graphics from me anytime soon, I'll rip out your intestines with a toothpick. o_0 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LOWELL!Yay ^_^ | ||
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