| ...And I won. GOD I love me. Now if only I had a cell phone so I could get this avatar....o_o Not obsessed. I swear. *twitches* Neopets has this thing with avatars. You can collect special avatars for the chat boards, by doing certain things. Some are easy to get, some are hard to get. Well, today they released an avatar that you can only get by downloading a game for your cellphone, and uploading your score. It's a simple sponsor thing, just like all the other sponsor things on their site. However, it's for sponsors mainly out of the US. Neopets is based in the US, and so is this sponsor. No other sponsors have contacted them or set anything up as far as this service. Well, people are ranting and raving about how it's discrimination against those in other countries, because they're cell phone isn't listed, and they can't get this avatar. There's over 110 other avatars they could get, but no, they need this one. TNT (The Neopets Team) works hard on this site. They have it translated in about 8 different languages, they upload new content everyday, they're always improving things, there's over 150 games, along with a million little things you can do on the site. It's not easy to do. But people find every little reason to bitch. It makes me angry. I've made my fair share of websites and such, and I know how hard it is to run such a site. Especially when there's god-knows how many people trying to hack into it all the time. So these people are saying it's discrimination. Discrimination? Discrimination because TNT doesn't have the game downloadable to every cellphone that's been released in every country. Contrary to popular belief, TNT is human. They're not gonna work 24/7 to make the whole world happy. So I've been arguing with these people. And now they're all bashing me because I'm making sense. It's kind of funny. I'll probably get in trouble for it though. *shrugs* -_- Alex: Me too. Let's go to bed together. Me: *snicker* Alex: No! Like..sleeping in the same bed! Oh goodness. Me: I'm eating baby goldfish.
At first, I was excited. Then I realized that it could suck really bad. Of course, I'm going to be lining up to get it the night before, but still. It really could suck. But it could also be good. It just better be computer animated. But hey, they couldn't base it on any better storyline than Super. I miss SR388. <3 So hopefully it's good. I can't wait to see the way they do Samus, and the Metroids. And the Chozos and the Space Pirates and OO! It better be good. It's got alot of potential. John Woo got the rights to it. I'm indifferent on that. *shrugs* It just better be good. Metroid finds a new home on the DS Please excuse me as I twitch in orgasmic happiness. Yes, it's past happiness. It's ORGASMIC happiness. 2 new metroid games! Life is good. I even found screenies! And more screenies! Oh! MORE! Now I haven't been very impressed with the latest Metroid games. Fusion sucked. There's no way to explain it's suckyness. It entertained me for awhile, but it sucked. Prime ...eh. Ridley's a pussy, the end boss is stupid as hell, metroids aren't metroids, and what's with the new morph ball shit? So other than that, and those stupid baby Sheebitches that scare the hell out of me, it was alright. So I'm hoping these new ones will wow me. I'm not saying Prime didn't wow me, it wowed me, but they could've done better. Anyways, I downloaded the 14 second movie on "Echoes" (Prime 2) that was shown at E3, and well..it doesn't show much. The jumping and throwing shit looks cool, but other than that it doesn't show much. *shrugs* I'm still excited. I'm not excited about more visors though. I heard there was more visors, and I don't think it needs more visors. She's got enough of the damn things. *shrugs* The beta and pre-game intro shots look cool. Eeee..! Samus' ship looks fuckin awesome. I'm really afraid of this "multiplayer" stuffage though. If it's anal like FF:CC was, I'm gonna...kick things. The strange thing is, it doesn't suck nearly as much as our rap. It actually SOUNDS good. Which is pretty good, considering I can only understand..less than half of it. v_V; EDIT: And now I'm listening to what seems to be..a Japanese Mariah Carey o_o *twitch* Hm. I have a dilemna. I can't use Direct Connect right now, because I have nothing to offer for others to download. You need 30 Gigs of stuff available, and I got rid of ALL my anime. All 31 Gigs of it onto discs. So how do I get my Anime Fix? Well...I could download BitTorrent. I've been debating for like..years. I never wanted to download it. Never wanted it. But now..hm. Damn there's just so much I want -_-; You will live in an Apartment.
*whines* College will be alright, I suppose. They're just afraid that I'll lack the social interaction. They think I'm only associating with Lowell's friends, only going because I'm afraid to leave him, and that that's not a good thing to base our relationship on. But they don't realize, that Lowell's friends are my friends, and that I'm going to an online college for myself. I think it's more just because they saw how much I let myself be possessed by Woody. And they know that Lowell isn't like that, but they think that I'm trying to make myself be less than him. Which would make sense, I do that sometimes. I don't speak up and say what I want to do, and things like that, but he does the same thing, it's a self esteem issue. So they weren't blaming it on him, really. They just..don't know all of what's going on in my head. On Dad's side anyways. Nobody knows what mom's got going on in her mind. I also found out that half the things that Mom said Dad said about Lowell and I, and my future and current situation, was all lies. That makes me feel a million times better. Dad said that it doesn't bother him that Lowell's here when he gets home, but he's just tired, and he doesn't like to go out all the time. I told them, that I think they've forgotten what it's like to be young, and to love someone. I mean, they live together, they can see each other whenever they want. They forgot what it's like to be engaged. To be young. To have limits. And they didn't disagree. They also said it makes them feel better if he knows if he has a ride home ahead of time, and it's just because it kind of stresses them out, and I understand that, I just hope Lowell will too. I know he doesn't like to, but I think it would make things alot easier. They're a bit anal about things like that, just like I am with other things, and I'll respect that. Dad didn't say much on the GenCon subject. He asked where it was, and when I told him just kind of..made that "You're going HOW FAR away from home?" kind of noise. But he didn't protest. I told them that it makes me feel as though they don't trust me enough. And I came out and told them that if I was going to have sex with Lowell, I wouldn't wait for a 4 day trip to do so. I think things are alright on that subject. Of course, things aren't okay with Mom and I, they never will be, but I want her to have as much of an understanding as possible. Things may never be perfect, but that doesn't mean they have to be horrible either. I have a feeling that when Lowell and I are both more independant, with jobs, transportation, and working on our life together, things will be more "family like". At first, they said they were afraid he couldn't take care of me. Well, Mom said that. Then dad actually spoke up. He said he was afraid that Lowell couldn't take care of himself. I was amazed. He's worried that Lowell hasn't given his life a direction. He doesn't mean it in a bad way, he just means that he's worried about him. That made me happy. Lowell and I..neither of us have a direction yet. But we're helping each other find it. So hopefully things will be alright. I feel like alot of things have been cleared between Dad & I. We don't do alot of the things we used to, because it's hard for me to do anything but keep to myself in this house. But I think I'll try more. Like play a game with dad when he comes home, or help him with chores or something. I used to, but I lost it, just because..I guess I was trying to distance myself, so that it wouldn't be so hard when I have to leave home. But I don't know. I'm going to try. I hope things will be better from know on. I'm applying to college tonite, and I'm going to try and get a job at the bookstore or something, evenings 3 days a week. I'm also going to be doing as-needed typing and web/graphic design jobs, and I'm going to drive again (I haven't in 2 weeks) since I've been feeling better. So hopefully things will look up. I hope things look up for Lowell too. He seems really...lost. Like he doesn't know where he wants to go, and I want to help him. I want to give him the perfect life, but I know there's only so much I can do. I want to make him happy. It breaks my heart to see him sad. Anyways, I'm half in my pajamas, I suppose I should go finished getting dressed. I get to go hang out with Lowell for a half hour/hour or so, and then I'm gonna come home and make the rest of the banner set I'm working on, a couple layouts and then play a game or something. You know, maybe I need to start being more..light with things. Yeah, I don't get to see Lowell as much as I'd like, but it is hard. I don't have the transportation that others do, and there is so much work to do around the house. It may not feel fair, but hey, that's how it is. What's the point in dwelling over it? It is what it is, and I'm just going to be happy with what I have. There's no point in spending all the time I have with him, complaining about how we don't have enough time together. *shrugs* I don't know. Anyways, I'm off. I'm gonna go try and make myself look a little more...less-dead. X_x; YAY!I'm 99.9% sure that I can go to GenCon! w00t! I'm super excited. *does the happy geek dance* Lo: It's been a shitty day. I screwed up on something I was trying to do for a friend, which made me feel really bad. I've got a million things to do graphics-wise for people, but I can't, because of mom. Now that she's going to an online school, she's having a blast kicking me off this computer. The other computer's mouse is a bit rougher than this one, so she won't use it. That computer is actually better than this one, but she won't use it, because she knows I need this one. This one has all my graphics and all my programs, and I need the best mouse I can get for the graphics I'm trying to do. So everytime she comes home, she kicks me off. So I haven't been able to get anything done. And she's been flipping and every little thing lately. I could be doing those things I need to do right now, but of course not. I just wanted to blog to get my feelings out, then I have to do shit. I told her that I needed a few things to do, she told me I had just a little while until she needed this computer. And then a few minutes later, she tells me that I have a bazillion chores to do. So I'm stuck doing chores until she gets home, meaning I get nothing I need to get done, done. Then I heard her say that she's making me make dinner. Nice of her to ask. But she can't do it, because she works all day. She always bitches about how she has to work all day. Well she's not the only one, and her job is a hell of alot easier than Dad's, but she expects dad to do a million things, while she sits on her ass and does nothing. And she expects me to take care of everything else, because I apparantley do nothing. Right, nothing. That's why I never relax, is because I do NOTHING. On top of that, I doubt Gen Con will work out. I can't find a job, because I can't get transportation anywhere, and everywhere I can get transportation to won't work. That, and mom doesn't seem to want me to go, because she doesn't want me spending a weekend with Lowell. And I still can only hear out of one ear, to make things even better. Which I got in trouble for earlier, because she was out in the kitchen mumbling, and I didn't hear her, so I got bitched at for it. Because I didn't hear her. How is that my fault? I don't know.
^_________^ Our 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. Yay! We went out to Broadway last night to celebrate, since it was the place of our first date. It's tradition o_O. And tomorrow he's coming over and it's just gonna be lots of fun. Yay! In other news, I can actually talk now, as I am pretty much un-sick. Still slightly sick, but mostly un-sick. I'm still jobless though. -_- I feel like such a bum. Anyways, I'm off, I have a few things to do to prepare for tomorrow. *bounces* If there isn't another female, then I have to promise that I'll have a room alone. And Lowell has to promise the same. Along with every other person going. And probably they're parents. And everyone closely associated with them. And then I'll probably have to call every 10 minutes, so they can be sure I'm not having sex (and even if I am, that it's not GOOD sex). It's gonna be harder getting it past dad, than mom. I could always complain that Niki got to spend two weeks with Matt and I don't get to spend one night with Lowell. BWAHA. Nah, just kiddin. ^_~ Ya know I love ya sis. So it's completley up in the air right now. As long as I'm super nice about it, like I have been being so far, chances look good, but I really hope I'm not the only female planning on going, 'cause that's gonna be...and ugly issue over here. Meh. Mom said that she's afraid someone will rape me. Yeah, 'cause I'm sure that all the guys that are going are REALLY gonna let that happen -_- Pah. THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE OR HAD
*snort* ehehe. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEREKU, NIKI, SAZZLE, RAINI, DINA AND ALEX!Yes, a very happy special birthday to Dina and Alex because both of their birthdays are TODAY! I luff yew all! *xoxo* Happy Birthday Sazzle!And then, this morning before I walked out of the bathroom, she asked me why I was wearing arm bands. I told her, that I've been wearing them for well over a year now, it's just like all my bracelets. I like them. That, and Lowell gave 'em to me. And she she said something like "Well it's just weird, that you wear both of 'em, you know, at the same time" and stuff like that. So I was like "o..kay", and she said "Well, most people wear a bracelet and a watch, not arm bands". She was trying to get at the cutting thing, I know she was. Right. If I had been cutting, does she think I'd be running around in a tank top with nothing covering my arms? I must be damn good, if I can heal in a matter of MINUTES like that. Ergh. And THEN, the other day she saw one of my friend's messages on the screen with a screen name that had "suicidal" in it, and she had to "talk to me" about it. She was like "I just wanted to make sure it wasn't you..". Yeah, because I was TOTALLY messaging MYSELF. And in my sleep, no less! God. It pisses me off, because I know she's just trying to get me to argue. Speaking of, she's beckoning for me. Probably so she can "talk to me" again. Ergh.
"Roses are #FF0000. Violets are #0000FF. Our love is 1337, and all my base are belong to you." *snort* ehehe. I was starting to think that I was asking to much of people. That I was asking for to much in return, but you know what? I'm not. I'm not even asking for much. I'm just asking for them to care, and understand, and to not stab me in the back every time I turn around. But no! So screw it. I'm not gonna shell out any more love, and understanding and support to people, if they're just gonna say "Fuck you" in return. I'm done listening to people, and being the "social butterfly" that I never wanted to be in the first place. Because nothing is ever enough! People get angry at me, because I'm not online everytime that they are, or because I don't call them all the time, or because I don't "care enough", or I don't come visit them enough, or I don't do enough for them. I'm sorry that shedding tears for you, and giving my heart to you, and risking everything to save you, and bending over backwards for you ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH! Oh, and don't even touch on the subject of me. Not only am I not treating them well enough, but I'm not recovering fast enough for them. I haven't gained enough weight for them, or I haven't been happy enough for them, or I haven't done a complete fuckin backflip and changed over night for them. But the thing is, they can sit there and starve themselves, or slit their wrists, or hurt other people, or sit on their ass and do NOTHING. But yet, I have to recover over night. Atleast I'm fuckin TRYING, shouldn't that count for something? I sacrificed EVERYTHING for you people. I gave up the few things that were keeping me ALIVE and SANE to make you HAPPY! Shouldn't that mean something to you? I gave up a 7 YEAR ADDICTION for you. How is it not enough? Am I ever gonna be good enough for you? Just tell me, straight out, right now, will I ever be good enough? Because I'm sorry, but I'm not perfect, and I'm never going to be. I don't even WANT to be, I just want to be me, I want to be myself, and I don't see WHERE THAT'S SO FUCKIN WRONG! I'm so sick of being hurt. I want to care for people. I want to be there for people. I want to love people, but dammit, I can't keep giving out my heart to everyone else, and just get it handed back broken every time. It HURTS. So I'm done trying. I'm done forcing myself to be social, when I don't want to be. I'm done forcing myself to be someone that everybody else wants. If you don't like who I am, if you don't like what I do, then just leave me the hell alone. Just leave, and don't contact me EVER again, and we'll be okay. I can't get hurt anymore. For god sakes, it hurts enough just to live in this HOUSE, to wake up here and realize I'm not safe. I can't take that EVERYWHERE I go. So please just leave me alone. I don't want to HURT anymore, just leave me alone. God just leave me alone. THIS is why I HATE pouring my heart out to people. ERGH! BUT! I went driving for like, 4 hours yesterday. I went into Saratoga, and did the thing with the lanes, and hit a whole bunch of traffic lights, and I'm back on 9N again! w00t! I'm really proud of myself, considering I've only been driving for a week. Well, I've been driving for awhile, but I stopped for like..6 months or more, because some guy scared the shit out of me, so last week I pretty much started from nothing. And now..I have to go. Because I'm running dad up to Stewart's to get the paper. Oh, that reminds me, I can even PUMP GAS now. I didn't know how to do it before. o_O Wow. Part of myself wants to smack myself for sounding so happy. I just got up. I'm tired. I'm supposed to be GRUMPY. Not happy. Merp x_X;; OH! And yesterday was mine and Lowell's 23 month anniversary. Next month it will be 2 years. Yay! ^___^ Okay, NOW I'm going. Really. >_> Those of you who I owe something that is written, I should have done tomorrow. I hope -_- Lowell and I are going on a date tomorrow. To Broadway, of course. Yay. God, I'm in such a good mood. Which is odd, because I spent about half the day at Lowell's today ranting and crying, and then ranting some more. It was good for the both of us though, we needed one of those "ranting" days. I know I feel better now. Anyways, I need a new To-Do list. Lau's To-Do Stuffage I think I'll be able to get all of that done tomorrow. I'll have about 3 hours, if I get up on time, and that should work pretty well. I don't know if I'll get the Guest Room done, or my clothes sorted for that matter, but we'll see what happens I guess. So if I get all of that done, then I'll only have about 14 things left on my To-Do list, which is extremely good news to me! Yay. I feel so motivated tonite ^_____^ I love Aunt Dot to death, and I miss her so much. I never get to see her anymore, even though she lives right next door. I miss her. I miss going over and playing games with her all the time, but it's just so hard to do anything lately. And I feel so bad for her, but she can't move around like she used to, and she's all alone since Uncle Curt died years ago. I'm so worried..I hope she's okay. I doubt I'm gonna fall asleep tonite, I think I'm just gonna wait up until it's not 3am, and go make sure she's okay. Anyways, Happy Easter everybody! <3 <3 <3 Things have actually been looking up for me. I took my 5 hour course yesterday, and I'm aiming to take my driver's test at the end of summer/early fall. As far as a job goes, I'm putting together a portfolio within the next week, because there's a guy who'd like to see it, and if that doesn't work out, I'm going to apply for a different job for now. College, hopefully, will work out somehow soon. And on top of everything, Lowell and I are doing amazingly well now. We had a huge talk, and worked alot out, and things just seem perfect again, and that makes me amazingly happy. Things at home, of course, aren't doing any better, but it's MUCH easier to deal with, now that so many other things are working out. After I get my computer working again (yeah, it's STILL not working. I have to wipe out my C Drive, because Windows won't effing re-install x_x), I'm going to spend 3 days or so to fill a few top-priority requests, and then after that, if anybody asks me for any graphics, web sites, codes or anything, I'm going to throw a very large object at their head. Like..my dog. o_O I'm gonna take about 2 weeks off, to try and deal with some personal issues that have gotten pushed aside for awhile, and can't afford to really be for to much longer. SO! Things are looking up, and I'm going to try and keep them this way this time. Oh, and I have to stick in, that I'm abnormally proud of myself. I didn't get all nervous and quiet at the D&D session the other day. *dances* w00t! ^_______^ But what pisses me off more than anything, is everything with Lowell. I can't go to his house for some stupid reason lately, and I'd have to have a ride there, anyways (even if she's going right past his house). He can only come down here, if he gets a ride up and back, which is a bit hard considering his mom works until 11pm. But "she's to busy". Yeah, to busy sitting on her ass. Oh, and don't even mention being alone with him. She's trying to make it lately so that the only time we see each other is when somebody else is around. We might make-out or something. God forbid I KISS THE GUY I'M ENGAGED TO! What's she gonna do when I move out? She'll flip out. Because she wants me to live here until I've 23 or 24. Seriously, we're not "allowed" to live together until after we're married, and after we're married, she wants us to come live with here for a few years. Hate to say it, but I plan on moving out when I'm 19. And next year, I do plan on staying at his house over night every now and then. I think I deserve that, you know? By then, we'll have been together for almost 3 years, and been engaged for over 1. This shit is just so ridiculous. I know this may seem like nothing to bitch about, but well, I have PMS, and I'm just sick of everything about her lately. I'm not allowed to even sleep in the morning, because she calls me 6 times a day to bitch about how "horrible her job is" and "how much she hates her life" and everything that I need to do to make her life easier. Why should I? All she's done is make my life harder. But no, Laura's to nice. ERGH! On top of everything, I've got a million feelings and thoughts rolling around in my head that I can't explain, and I've got a bunch of people on my ass about graphics and doing other things for them, and I'm about ready to tell all of them to go to hell! God, I just want to have a LIFE. I can't do anything lately. I have to get up (after being called 3 times in a row by mom, just to say hi and tell me what time it is, and tell me to get my ass out of bed), do chores, clean up everything that SHE left out so I dont' get bitched at, then fufill some random requests to get someone off my ass, then do some more work on my room, since it's still not done, and by then, mom's home, and having me make dinner, and do MORE chores, and bitching at me because I didn't clean something right, and all those other wonderful little things she does. So then, I eat dinner, take a shower, and get back to work, AGAIN. I haven't been able to watch my movies, my anime, play my games, exercise, play my flute, read, draw, talk to people..nothing. It fuckin sucks. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get BACK to work, because it seems that I'm "holding people up". Ugh. Anime I've Seen
"Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children! For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going." But screw it, I'll probably find somewhere else to go. I was considering leaving before, because it kept screwing all my stuff up. I dunno. Maybe I'm just bitchy tonite. *shrug* I've got lots to do this weekend, so I won't be around at all tomorrow, but if I get everything done, I should be more available (and SOCIAL, even!) from now on. Wee! Found another college I might be going to, too. And I might be able to start this summer. Call me a geek, but I'm excited! ^_^;;;; Okay, it's 5am, I think I'm gonna go play FF7 for an hour, and then go to bed. Or maybe stay up, because if I go to bed now I'll sleep all day, and I can't do that! OH! And we got a Digital Video Recorder today. We can record things on the TV without using tapes and all that. And we can rewind and fast forward, and all that good stuff. Which is perfect, because now I can actually get some USE out of the Digital Cable. And I can watch The Screen Savers again. And Anime Unleashed, and Dirty Pair, and alllll that other good stuff! YAY! ^_____^
To Fix
To Make
Of course, I most likely won't do all of them, but it's entirely possible. Next year for Hallowe'en, I'm going out as either Kotoko or Naraku. I'm not sure which yet. Eventually, I'd like to go out as Mana from Malice Mizer, but that's gonna take awhile -_-;; If I can't get the Kotoko or Naraku costumes to work, I'll go out as either Faye, or Tifa for Hallowe'en. But I'm definatley going out as Kotoko to my first Anime Convention. Fwee...! >_< Well they've got to kill what we found Well they've got to hate what they fear Well they've got to make it go away Well they've got to make it disappear All that we were is gone we have to hold All that we were is gone we have to hold When all our hope is gone we have to hold All that we were is gone but we can hold on You and me We're in this together now None of them can stop us now We will make it through somehow "...I love you"
I'd like to stay
I'll be your dream
I'll love you more with every breath
Now that I think about it, I don't know if they'd even be friends. I mean, I was so fake around them. They never saw how I truly felt because I didn't trust them. That, and I was afraid to tell them how I truly felt about them, because I didn't want to start trouble. And god forbid anybody around here talks like adults. x_x There's a few friendships that I don't want to die out, though. But they are. Mainly because they're all long distance, and it's near impossible to keep in touch at times. I mean, I don't have a job, so it's hard to call long distance, because I can't pay for it. And I've been sleeping and having felt well so much lately, that I haven't been able to even return the e-mails I get, much less make new ones. But I feel like I should do it anyways. Like I should make myself stay up, just so I can get online and talk to them, or call them anyways, even if I don't have the money, even if it's just to say hi. But I don't really know. I don't know what the right thing to do, and wrong thing to do is. I hate situations like this. This is how I end up losing friends. Because I don't know what to do, and when I try to explain that to them, they ignore everything I say, say I'm just being a bitch and leave. Me thinking about them, and missing them and loving them to death isn't enough for them to stick around. Maybe that should show me what type of friends they really are. Or what type of person I am. Pah. I miss Lacy like crazy. But I can't call her, because I have no money. But it's not right to ask her to call me, because it's long distance for her, too. And the only time I have any free time, is during the day. Later at night, I'm usually tired as hell, and can't keep my eyes open. And then that "fear of the phone" comes in to. I could drop her an e-mail, but I barely get time to check it anymore. And I feel like a shitty friend, because I feel like I'm not being there for her. Same goes for the rest of my girls. I haven't been on the boards much, I haven't been on TOD, I haven't been on messengers (atleast not when they are, unfortuantley), because I've been sleeping at night, and I've been busy. And I somehow feel like that's wrong. I mean, I've been getting better, that's good, but it's taken alot of work, and time away from my friends. It makes me wonder if it's really worth it, if there's gonna be nobody there afterwards to celebrate it with me. I don't know. I'm really confused. Even now, I shouldn't be on here. I need to get something to eat, and do my chores. And clean up around the house. You know what's funny? I don't even know what I do all day. I do the most useless things, sometimes. I'll even sit and play a game. But I don't look at it as "sitting and playing a game". I look at it as "Okay, I'll sit here for a few hours, and play through this, until I get to THIS point, and then I'll stop, because I have to beat it eventually." Don't get me wrong, I'm not MAKING myself play it, I really enjoy playing games and such. But instead of looking at it as playing games, I look at it as some sort of job to do. Something to keep me busy. I don't know why I can't just relax and do something. It's really starting to wear on me, both mentally and physically. I get headaches, and I get dizzy and sick, because I never relax. My shoulders are always tense. I can't relax them, it feels awkward. I don't even relax when I sleep, I'm always tossing and turning. I wake up constantly. It's a pain in the ass, but I don't know how to fix it. Anyways, I really have to go get some shit done, seriously. So I'm gonna go, for any of my friends that read this, that I've somehow abandoned, I'm sorry. I do love you all more than anything, and I am thinking about you all the time, and I'm really sorry. <*Firestorm> I dont want porn I want hardware <*Firestorm> and I dont want porn <(IRC)Gunslinger> fire, they haven't finished the penile insertion plug yet, either <*mmartian1> porn is what makes the world go round <(IRC)Gunslinger> there is still a problem with electricity and groins <*Firestorm> *sighs* <(IRC)Gunslinger> yes, yes <(IRC)Gunslinger> it's a bit disappointing <(IRC)Gunslinger> but when dealing with a groin, it is better to be safe than sorry <(IRC)Gunslinger> especially MY groin <(IRC)Gunslinger> because it is especially unforgiving <[56kbpsDialup]Zero> Gunslinger, nobody wants to know about your groin. <(IRC)Gunslinger> that's not what I've heard <(IRC)Gunslinger> with my crimefighting groin, everyone wants to know where it'll be next! <*Firestorm> I want to hear about it <*Firestorm> or rather I want to hear it <[56kbpsDialup]Zero> Except maybe firestorm. <*Devilbunny> Except for freakshows that are already preparing banner's with the slogan, "World's smallest penis" and "The Man born as an enuch!", no one has any interest in your groin, gunslinger. <*Firestorm> I've heard it makes the most interesting noises That has to be one of the oddest conversations I've ever walked in on. Gotta love DC. ^_^;;; <*Splattermark_v2_0975> "we'd better ban styrofoam before it rapes the children" O_o; Go here for more funny splattermark quotes. Hell, I don't even know the guy, and they're funny as hell. *squeels like a little fan girl* I'm so excited! The only problem is I have to hook up my portable DVD player to my TV, which requires a VCR, which is on the complete OPPOSITE side of the room (almost). Soooo I can't hook it up yet, meaning I can't watch them. Well, I could, on the downstairs TV..with my parents. But it has some ..er..."adult/dirty old man/traditional japanese" humour, so it probably wouldn't be a good idea. It's not PORN, but it's errm..suggestive. Especially since Chii gets turned on by pressing the button in her cooch. Literally, turned on. She's a computer o_O That came out totally wrong. -_- ANYWAYS! I'm excited. Yes. OH! And I have a recipe for Rice Balls, so I think I'm gonna make 'em at Friday's D&D session ...maybe ^_____^ .o0(MENTAL NOTE: Return important e-mails *bites herself*) I saw the first half of the first episode of Naruto today. It looked pretty good. If my dload hadn't cancelled, I would have seen the other half. But, well, yeah. I'm dloading lots of useless things. Like random Recipes. I even have the recipe for Applebee's Lemonade O_o;; I have lots of recipes for really good stuff from really good restaurants. w00t! I got a free MOOOOVIE today too. From the Equality Forum. I'm guessing they got my address from GLSEN (Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network). So they sent me a free movie called Jim in Bold. I'll watch that later this week, prolly. Looks very sad T_T BTW, does anyone know how to download things off of mIRC? Or how to use it..at all? Because you see, I have it. But I can't figure out how to use it. But I'd like to, because I haven't had much luck in downloading much off of DC lately. Fweeeeee.....! EDIT: Hehe..woops. Forgot to close my bold tag ^_^;; DEATH TO ADV FILMS!!!They're taking Sailor Moon and Sailor Moon R out of stores. As of April 1 they'll be labelled as OUT OF PRINT! That means the two DVD box sets that I've been drooling over (and promised) for 8 MONTHS NOW! *whines* GAAAAH!!!T_T My room is coming out pretty good so far. Before, it was nothing special. Ugly pink walls with white trim, and overly-crowded. It's a tiny room, and one wall is completely taken up with two closets and a dresser that's built into the wall. On the wall farthest from the door, I have a window, and I had a white bookshelf case, and the head of my bed. My bed extended along the long wall (the one opposite the wall with the closests and dresser) and the foot of it was about a foot or two away from my door. On the wall directly to the left as you step into my room, I had a desk, and a vanity. Keep in mind, this is a tiny room, so I couldn't really open my closets, and I barely had enough room just to walk into the room. Well, now, we took out the built in dresser (and left the two closets) and put the foot of my bed in there. So the head of my bed is sticking out into the middle of my room. Then, I took my desk and vanity completely out of my room, and moved my white bookcase to the opposite wall (to the left right as you walk into my room). Yesterday, we put a shelf above the foot of my bed that holds my TV, VCR and Playstation/Super Nintendo, and put molding up so it doesn't look like so much crap O_o;; Later this week, we're going to be putting a ballet barre on my long wall (6' in length, 44" off the ground), and corner shelves in the corner next to my window, on the wall opposite my door. We're also getting a dresser (it would be helpful o_O) and putting that on the other side of my window, and shelves are going up on the wall that's directly to the left as you open the door. I actually have lights now, too. Before, I only had a tiny lamp (We have an old house, so there aren't many light switches). But now, we have two black iron'y'ish (Yes, that IS the technical term XD) wall lamp things, that look like candles with little tiny lampshades on them. Those are going above my ballet barre, 2" in from the each edge of the barre, 3'2" in from each wall. Then, I'm putting two or three tiny black round lights above my bed for reading (which will have their own seperate light switch). I'm psyched, I have LIGHT SWITCHES! -_-;; The colour scheme is going to be awesome. The walls are going to be a light purple'ish/blue'ish/gray, the trim is going to be indigo, and the doors are going to be white. My curtains are going to be indigo, and the blinds are going to be white. So that's my room, once it's done. And if any of you followed that, I'll give you a cookie.
Thank you very much to Vanilla Dreams! But all week I've been stressing over this weekend. Because whenever I'm home, I'm usually on the computer. Because on the computer, I can occupy myself by filling endless amounts of requests. And I can do this from the time I get up, until 5am or so, when I get so tired, that I stumble up the stairs and fall asleep before I have any time to think. I've been doing this for ..well, awhile. But it wasn't that bad until August or so. And then it's gradually gotten worse. And lately it's gotten to the point, where I'm constantly occupying myself. I rarely even stop to play a game (even METROID o_O). And well, this weekend, I'm spending time with Gramma, I can't just occupy myself on the computer. And when I realized this, I started panicking, because I don't know what to do with myself. I don't remember how to relax. The only time I sit down or lay down is when I'm about to fall asleep. And I even have a hard time doing that. When I lay in bed, I'm constantly going over what needs to be done the next day, and how I shouldn't be sleeping, I should be up working on something. So I panicked alot. Still am. My moods are fluctuating like crazy, and I've been doing everything I can to not relax (without even realizing it). I'll get up and get a drink for me and gramma, made a nice breakfast for myself (I never eat breakfast), make lunch, make dinner, put away the dishes, fold clothes, make cookies, I even fixed the computer (finally). All of this today (and more), and my parents have only been gone since 2pm or so. And then, to add to it all, my cousin Melinda is coming up from NYC. She went down there with her 30-year-old boyfriend and his 10 or 11 year old son a few months ago without telling anyone. (Keep in mind, she's only one year older than me.) So since then, she's been living in a shelter and eating in soup kitchens. And now she's coming back up for a day for her birthday, and then going back. Gramma, of course, is going. I was told that I don't have to go, It's no big deal. But I feel shitty if I don't. But if I do go, I have to deal with everybody. I have to deal with them bitching about how I look, how I act, how I'm engaged, how I'm going to an online college, how I have no license or job, etc. I so wish I could tell them the reasons. Then maybe they'd see how asshole'ish they've been. But I can't. Pah. So I'm going tomorrow at 4:30, and have no clue when I'm coming home, or how I'm actually going to get through it. Especially since I don't have my normal security. Peachy. I'm also gonna give Chrissy a call tomorrow at 11am, and see how she's doing. I miss Lowell. I mean, I saw him yesterday. But he always makes me feel so happy, and safe, and just good about everything around me. But I can't see him until next week, because my parents don't want him coming over this weekend. Erk. We might have SEX or something. Right there in front of my Gramma. Right. I think I might stay up for another hour and a half until he gets home (He went bowling) and give him a call to say goodnight. He said he was gonna call before he left, but he didn't. He might've called when Aunt Linda did and got a busy signal. *shrugs* But I'd like to hear his voice before I go to sleep. Nah, but I'm enjoying the time I'm spending with Gramma. I love spending time with her, I don't feel as nervous and uptight. But it's just the whole..anxiety and busy'ness issue that's giving me a hard time. And I'm so fuckin nervous for tomorrow. In other news, Gramma and I watched Pirates of the Carribean today. It was good. Guys in eyeliner are HOT. Didn't the chic play in some horror movie? I think her name's Kiera Knightley. I swear she played in some horror movie. *shrugs* But I saw that they're coming out with a PotC 2. o_O Supposed to be out in 2005. The Ring 2 is supposed to start filming this month, and be out later this year. Apparently, they're shooting both Ring 2 and Ring 0 (The Prequel) at the same general time, but they're gonna be released in theatres at different times. Probably 6-8 months apart, Ring 2 being the first to be released. *shrugs* Guess we'll see. I'd like to see it. I'd like to see the Japanese versions of 2 and 0 more, though. They're probably going to drift alot from the Japanese story line. Because they both focus alot around the parts that were cut out of the American version of The Ring. Has anyone else played/is playing FF:Crystal Chronicles? I'm not sure what to make of it yet. I'm at the very End of Year 2. It's fun, but it's not very Final Fantasy'ish. And I don't care what anyone says, those are NOT Moogles. They're cute, but not Moogles. Now the Moogles in FF3/6, THOSE were moogles. Anyways, it's really easy, I haven't died yet. Having endless MP makes it pretty easy. But the fact that your magicite disappears once you leave each place kind-of makes up for it. *shrugs* I'm hoping it gets more challenging as the game goes on. The boss I'm at now is annoying, but definatley not unbeatable. I dunno. I'm gonna play it for the weekend until I have to return it on Monday. Then I'll prolly go back to Metroid Prime. | ||
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