Saturday, November 29, 2003

"Better yet, forgo the cooking sherry altogether this year. Waking up the next morning in Reno with a 300-pound transvestite stripper wearing a policeman's hat is not worth the trouble."

o_o;;;;

| Laurz @ 08:12 p.m.

Friday, November 28, 2003

Rabbit ears...Rabbi tears...

Rab..bite...ears..

o_O

| Laurz @ 11:36 p.m.

Friday, November 28, 2003

Alright, so I just went looking for a CSS code that completely slipped my mind. I decided to head over to htmlhelp.com and I typed html-help.com.org

.com.org?

-_-;; Am I the only one that does this way to much?

| Laurz @ 10:18 p.m.

Friday, November 28, 2003

Meh.

| Laurz @ 08:23 p.m.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Well, since so many of us are sick, I've decided to put up some Home Remedies that should lift ya up a bit.

For a Sore Throat

1. Gargle with salt water. DO NOT SWALLOW! Be sure to tilt your head back so you can get it as far down your throat as possible.

2. Mullein Tea with Honey. This works wonders. You'll need some of the herb called Mullein, some Honey, and a small tea strainer. You can get Mullein in a shop called Magic Moons on a street (Phila, I believe) off Broadway in Saratoga for .95. You can get a tea strainer almost anywhere. First, pour a mug (or two, or three, depending on how many you intend to serve) full of milk into a pan and warm it on the stove (MEDIUM HEAT!) until hot (not boiling). Then, fill the tea strainer with the Mullein (about 2 Tablespoons or so.). Poor the hot milk into your mug, and set the tea strainer inside the mug, and let it steep for a few minutes. Then, add the honey (there's no set amount. It depends on how sweet you want it - start with a little, taste it, add more, etc.). Let cool, and sip at it slowly. This also helps with aches and pains ^_~

3. Take lots of Vitamin C, in any of it's forms. Also, drink lots of fluids. It will help with all your symptoms, and make it so you don't get dehydrated!

I'm gonna go to bed, but I'll add more tomorrow! ^_^

| Laurz @ 10:59 p.m.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

"People always forget the butter. They remember things like garlic, but they always forget the butter! Respect your condiments, woman!"

Yep, I'm a little delusional. Oh, and I said I was gonna start keeping track of what I eat each day in here, so here we go. We'll see how long this lasts. x_X

Today: One grilled cheese sandwich, and 3/4 of a bowl of ramen noodle soup.

Along with drinks. Sick-type drinks. Stuff you drink when you're sick. Yeah.

I actually just got done with the sandwich and soup. And I seriously feel like I'm going to vomit. Uuuugghh...But I won't. Because if I do, I'll cry. I have some of the strangest fears.

Weeeeeee.......I think I'm gonna go play Timesplitters. Or Metroid. For the 395,983th time. v_v

| Laurz @ 08:14 p.m.

Monday, November 24, 2003

If I hear one more person say that it's wrong to be gay, I'm gonna flip my lid, I swear. It's seems like people have been going crazy with dissing homosexuality lately. Much more than usual. Maybe it's because I was finally starting to really accept that it's okay. I guess life's just kicking me in the ass. I mean, come on, things couldn't be easy, could they?

I guess it's just a Monday. Just like yesterday. And tomorrow probably, too.

Of course I'm sick, terribly, so that doesn't make it much better.

It's one of those days. I feel so alone.

| Laurz @ 09:31 p.m.

Monday, November 24, 2003

I have the oddest feeling in the world, right now. Four Winds has been on my mind...all day. And I'm really not sure why. But it has been. And it's brought up so much.

Pumpernickle and Dining at Thumbelina's. "We've all got OCD!" and "I'm frothing at the mouth", Wheelchair racing and calorie jokes.

Oh goodness. The one thing that really keeps popping in my head though, is when we were all sitting in the hallway, and Tom was playing his guitar, and we were all singing along, as if we didn't have a care in the world. It had been the first time in awhile, that I really forgot all my problems and let go. I felt secure, and loved. I didn't feel so alone. I felt..peaceful. And then the nurse came, and made us go sit in the room. "Come on girls, Open Spaces!" was all we had to hear. It's pathetic. I felt like some type of domesticated animal.

I had to eat 6 times a day, at the same time everyday. I had next to no control over what I ate, and when I ate, I had to be watched, carefully. I had to have my food and such inspected before I could leave. I had to have permission to go to my room, and I had to be watched. I could only go to bed when they said so. I could only pee when they had time to stand there and watch me, and only take a shower when they had the time, for the same reason.

They had control over my every move. Literally. Actually, I wasn't even allowed to move. No standing, no walking. I was ina wheelchair everywhere. I did what they wanted, when they wanted, or I wouldn't be allowed to go home. I could sit and watch others play games, but I couldn't play any myself. I couldn't have water, and if my paper bag said an apple, I couldn't have an orange.

I hated that place. But I miss it, at the same time. I was safe. I was safe from others, and I was safe from myself. I couldn't kill myself (even though I almost tried to hang myself with a hair dryer, before I was forced to come out of the bathroom), I couldn't even cut myself. I couldn't starve myself. I couldn't run away. Nobody could hurt me. Not physically anyways. And my parents loved me. Well, it seemed like they loved me. Mom didn't hit me, or throw me. She screamed, but that's another story. I learned to cry, too. But I lost it as soon as I was out of there. I think I cried all my tears away for the time I was there, because I can't find them anymore. They're just not there.

I also liked how I didn't have to hide. Nobody cared if I was bisexual, nobody cared that I cut. Nobody cared that I was anorexic, and nobody cared that I was abused. Well, they cared, but it wasn't this big earth shattering thing. They understood, and I loved that. I have to hide it now. And it kills me more and more each day.

Except for the bisexual thing. I'm so far out of the closet, that I can't even see it anymore. x_X;;

But yeah, I miss it. But I'm scared of it, too. I know that if I go back to the doctor, and don't wear heavy clothes, bracelets and sneakers, that I'll be back below 110, and they'll shove me back in the hospital. I can't go back there.

God damn, I don't know where all of that comes from. I feel so odd. I mean, I'm engaged. I know my life is going somewhere. And that's almost..frightening. I mean, will I ever get over this? Will there ever be a time where I'll eat whatever I want, when I want? Will I ever be able to break the addiction of cutting, and burning and icing and wrist banging, and everything else? Will I ever go through a day, without thinking about killing myself?

Life sucks sometimes.

But I have someone I love. And I have friends that I love. And I've gotten pretty damn far, so I'm not gonna give up now.

I hope.

| Laurz @ 01:41 p.m.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!

| Laurz @ 10:22 p.m.

Friday, November 21, 2003

A glint of silver
And a flick of the wrist
Is all it takes
For the tears I've missed

A simple casule
To make me drop
So dizzy and numb
How could I stop?

A twist and a pop
Right at the cuff
No matter what I do
It's never enough.

- LMB (11/21/03)

I did not intend for this poem to flow well. Or at all, actually.

| Laurz @ 10:44 p.m.

Friday, November 21, 2003

What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

| Laurz @ 09:30 p.m.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Kes wants to kill herself..she could be doing it now..Chrissy wants to do it again..Everyone is spiralling out of control.

And there's nothing I can do. I feel so fuckin helpless!

I can't take this. I don't care what anybody says..I can't take this!I can't lose them. I've lost too many people already. I can't lose the girls who have been there for me through thick and thin, who have kept me going no matter what.

I can't. Fuckin. TAKE THIS!

| Laurz @ 11:09 p.m.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Woo..it's time for Lau's not-so-yearly Progress report! x_x

+: better -: worse =: no change.

Old Stuff
Cutting +/-
Burning -
Icing =
Interference with Wounds -
Salt and Icing -
Wrist Banging -/=
Insomnia =
PTSD =/+
OCD =
Paranoia -
Cutting off circulation +
Anorexia -/+/=
"Suicidal Tendencies" + (could almost say recovered)

New Things I've Introduced Myself Do
Friction burning
"Bulimarexia" (Over-exercising after eating "alot")

Things I've Recovered From
Overdosing

I'll probably remember more things and update them later.

| Laurz @ 06:06 p.m.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

*Drools over her new layout* I am so fuckin good, I amaze myself. *trips over her ego*

| Laurz @ 05:56 p.m.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

I've been sitting here staring at this screen for the longest time. But I just don't know what to say. All day I've denied the fact that it happened. And now I find out that it's true. I should be happy that she's alive. But I'm still so scared. Maybe I'm feeling what I should have felt before. Maybe I'm feeling what I should feel now. What do you feel when one of your closest friends tries to kill herself? I should feel helpless. I should feel scared. I should feel angry. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm feeling so many emotions, that I just can't feel anything. It's very odd. One minute, I want to just punch something. The next minute I want to cry. And the next, I just feel so frightened. I know that I could still lose her. But then I tell myself that none of it's true. Even though I know that it is. Am I over-reacting? Am I not re-acting enough? Am I even re-acting at all?

| Laurz @ 09:45 p.m.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

This is very amusing.

| Laurz @ 09:23 p.m.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

(Archived!)

Alright, I'm about to say alot of stuff, and I would really appreciate it if you guys would read it. I have to worn you though, it's very blunt.

About This Blog
You wouldn't believe the number of people that've come to me, after finding my blog, pissed off about how I've hidden my life from them, or how I've lied to them, or how I should've told them more. So, for everyone's convenience (or possibly inconvenience, depending on who you are), I've decided to put everything out in the open. Everything that has or will be mentioned in this blog. The big "secrets" in my life. It's very straight, and to the point. I'm not looking for pity or attention (those who know me, know I hate both with a burning passion), I just want things out clear, so there won't be any misunderstandings. It makes me life much easier.