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  • Version 4.0
  • Title: Dream
  • Featuring: Hota-chan/Sailor Saturn
  • Series: Sailor Moon
  • Date: August 6, 2003
  • ©: Me, of course!

    Yours Truly
    Name: Lau
    Age: 17
    DOB: July 8
    E-mail: Moonkissed@rock.com

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    Wednesday, August 6, 2003

    You are
    Tidy Cat Scoop Cat Litter Odor Control Multi-Cat
    Tidy Cat Scoop Cat Litter Odor Control Multi-Cat

    What brand of scooping cat litter are you?

    *blink* o_o

    06:27 a.m.

    Monday, August 4, 2003

    Konbanwa, minna-san! Watashii wa Kiseki-Tomoe Yuumei!

    o_o;;

    I'm involved in a Sailor Moon RPG on TOD now, and I'm playing the part of Yuu-chan/Nyuu Princess Saturn/Cosmic Sailor Saturn. Very interesting. Seems like it will be lots of fun.

    Of course, that means you'll all have to deal with all my japanese...ness, again. v_v Rah!

    Anyways, I just did the layout for the diary of Yuu-chan. Take a look at it here. It won't look so good if you have anything other than an 800x600 res.

    In other news, I got Time Splitters 2 for Gamecube, and I'm in love. Shooting things is fun. Probably more fun that it should be, but that's okay. *insert maniacal laughter here*

    Hm. Nothing else to say. I think I'm gonna go to bed, Niki and I were up until early hours of the morning. Like...8am. Ish. Playing Frogger 2 and Pinball. Wooo..

    O-yasumi nasai.

    11:22 p.m.

    Thursday, July 31, 2003

    Well, I've found out that it's certainly true that anything can be a weapon.

    I've started using erasers and pencaps to inflict all sorts of pain on myself, since I lost my blades.

    *shrugs* Atleast it's not deadly. I mean, I can't kill myself with an eraser.

    Speaking of killing myself, you know the best way to die? Overdosing on laughing gas. (I know, I know, it wouldn't be that pleasant, but if you don't think to far into it, it does sound like a lovely way to go).

    That's all I have to say. I'm gonna go play Starcraft. Ja.

    10:19 p.m.

    Wednesday, July 30, 2003

    Dear Bitch (aka my mother),

    1 I hate you, okay? Get it through your thick fuckin head.

    2 I don't care if you're sick. Whenever I'm sick, you make me get up and do shit, so you can get off your ass and do things for yourself. I'm not gonna cater to you.

    3 Kiss me one more fuckin time and I'm gonna punch you in the head. You have no hug me, kiss me, touch me or even breathe on me. Like I said, I hate you.

    4 There will never be an "us". There is no "mother-daughter relationship" and there never will be. You're not my mother, so get over it.

    5 You will never be me, so get over yourself. And stop pretending that we're "exactly alike". You're not anorexic, and you never were. You don't have ADD, you don't have PTSD, you're not obsessive compulsive. You're just plain fucked up. Oh, and that little stunt about the cutting was nice. "Oh, she cuts, so I'm gonna go do it to and then tell her to make her feel like shit." Yeah, that was nice. But go ahead, slit your wrists. Hopefully you'll go deep enough and die.

    6 I'm not making this up. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. You've been beating the hell out of me for years on end, whether you wanna believe it or not. I don't care what "famous psychiatrist" tells you. I'm not doing it to get attention. I'd rather shoot myself than have any type of attention from you. Try telling people the real story instead of denying it like the pussy you are.

    7 I don't love you, so stop trying to get me to say it. It's not gonna happen.

    8 I don't want to spend "quality time" with you. This includes watching Charmed. I'll watch it on my own, I don't need to be out there with you every evening.

    9 I don't care if you're home or not. I don't care if you never come home again. I don't miss you, I never will miss you. In fact, I'm happier when you're gone.

    10 STOP TALKING TO ME, I don't care what you have to say.

    11 Act your god damned age. You're not 5 anymore. You didn't have a childhood. You're an adult now, so start acting like it. I don't give a shit how you were treated. You lost all right to look to me for sympathy the day you layed a hand on me. I'm not going to take care of you. I'm not going to throw away my childhood, by having to act like an adult just for you. Cover your own god-damned ass.

    12 Learn some fuckin manners. When someone's on the phone, you don't keep them away for 10 minutes. You also don't pick up the phone every 2 seconds, just for the hell of it. And don't even get pissed when I get pissed at you for doing it. It's called privacy, bitch.

    13 Speaking of privacy, how would you like it if all of yours was taken away? How would you like it if someone went through all your shit all the time, or picked up the phone on you all the time, or tried to control your entire god damned life? You're not a part of my life. I don't care what you think, leave me the fuck alone!

    14 Keep in mind that I don't have to deal with you. I could call Child Protection and tell them the truth, instead of those lies. I could call the cops and have you arrested. I could have you locked in a psych ward for everything you've done. Remember that. Oh, and I'm not staying for you. I'm staying because I don't want to lose my daddy. Yeah, I love him. But I don't love you.

    15 Stop with the jealousy bullshit. Yeah, I love Lowell's mom more than you. That's because she's actually been a mother to me. I also love Daddy more than you. That's because he's actually been there for me, and protected me from you. I enjoy spending time with Lowell, more than I do you. Get over it.

    16 To some it all up, I hate you, and I always will. Time won't heal anything. There's just to much that time can't erase. You've fucked things up all to much, and now it's too late to be in my life.

    In other words, FUCK YOU!

    x x x x x x x x x x x

    In other news, I'm extremely worried. Lowell said he was leaving from his Grandparents around...3 (ish), and he's still not home. It's about a half hour to an hour walk, and he's still not home. I've called like, 10 times and left two messages, and still no answer. I'm really worried.

    Today fuckin sucks.

    05:58 p.m.

    Wednesday, July 30, 2003

    Forgive me if you can't see the quiz results well, I forgot about high opacity. Baka x_x Anyways, I'll have the linkage up soon, including my quiz results page. Meh.

    Omae wa dochira juunishi no MEMBAA desu ka?
    [koyasunomiko.com]

    Yay for Fruits Basket quizzes ^_^ I don't know which of the juunishi kisa and moma ji are yet, so I'm not quite sure if this is good...or bad. x_x

    x x x x x

    Which Fruits Basket Character are you?
    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    I find it quite interesting that I took a quiz just like this about 20 minutes ago (it was at a different site, but I didn't save the code, or the address), and I got Shigure-san as #1. But this time, he ended up as the very last ^_^;;

    x x x x x

    Your Akito
    AHHHHHHHHHH, your Akito.Ther is really nothing Good
    I can say about him. He really scares me and
    loads of other people. He likes to beat on
    people.He really doesn't belong in the zodiac
    but he is anyway...

    Are you Tohru, Kyo, Shigure, Yuki or Akito? ( fruits basket)
    brought to you by Quizilla
    Akito-san! *drool*

    x x x x x

    You got Yuki! (kawaii nezumi...)
    Yuki Ahh, the canon couple. So sweet and curious and
    hesitant. You want him to know how you feel
    and you're guessing its fairly the same between
    you two. Ain't that sweet?!

    What Kyo (Fruits Basket) yaoi couple are you?
    brought to you by Quizilla
    Yuki & Kyo? Pfft! I don't see it.

    x x x x x

    Wee. I love Fruits Basket ^_^

    04:00 p.m.

    Wednesday, July 30, 2003

    Eeeeeeee! I finally got my anime to play. It took me 2 and a half days to figure out that my DivX player simply needed to be updated. I had 5.0.3, and they're up to 5.0.5. which supports MPEG-4. Yay. ^______^

    Of course, the picture is abnormally screwed up, but I'll fix that.

    ...somehow.

    01:44 p.m.

    Monday, July 28, 2003

    Lacy: "Lowell said something about Tee-Pee's and he won't tell me what!"
    Lowell: "I said titties!"
    Lacy: "Titties? What am I supposed to do with her titties?"
    Me: ...o_o

    In other news, I orgasmed over Tomb Raider 2. Angelina Jolie makes me think bad things. Very bad thins.

    ...But I like it!

    12:12 p.m.

    Friday, July 25, 2003

    How I've changed, Why I've changed, and Why I'm an antisocial bitch
  • I'm torn between Anti-SI and Pro-SI. I'm anti for everyone else, but Pro for myself, and everyone else on UTS (The Pro-Self Injury boards that I've been visiting lately). I know I shouldn't be there, because it describes how to do things, has triggering things, and ya know, the works. But it helps me at the same time. And if you don't believe that, fuck you, because it does. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not just saying that because I want to stay there.
  • For those who don't already know, my mother's back to her old self again, and used me as a little punching bag last...Wednesday or Thursday. I shut off all emotion for 3 days or so, and then went into a subtle shock which has gradually increased over the past 5 days or so. I've been paraonid and jumpy, scared and hurt, and extremely bitchy and antisocial. And to make it all better, I can feel myself starting to go into a wild state of panic.
  • Plans didn't work for tomorrow, and it seriously sucks.
  • Mom is seriously restricting me. For example, I'm seeing Lowell tomorrow, so I'm not allowed to go anywhere Sunday or Monday. At all, no exceptions.
  • We have no money. Or so my parents say. But don't be surprised if they go blow 0 or so on something we don't need. However, I can't have clothes. Or money to get lunch.
  • I feel like a whore. And I don't know why. Because I'm not, not even close. But I feel like one, and that's a bit hard to deal with.
  • I can't breathe, and I don't know why.
  • I've been getting random vague insults from everywhere. Vague insults are worse than blunt ones, imho. I mean, blunt insults, you know what they mean, and all you can do is accept it. But vague ones could be taken a million different ways, making then a million times worse. So wonderful.
  • I feel judged, used and prostituted. But I suppose that goes with feeling like a whore.
  • I don't like food. I've dropped alot of weight (even if the scale doesn't say so). I fit back into alot of clothes that were to tight before. For example, my black pants that fit me before I went into 4 winds (when I was 100lbs), which haven't fit me since. Also, my short plaid x-small skirt from Hot Topic, which I love, that hasn't fit me since the beginning of the school year. And, as I found out tonite, my old blue jean flares that I've had since 8th grade, which haven't fit me for over a year. Gotta love it.
  • I have a bruise on my nose.
  • Trust is becoming even more of an issue than ever, since what mom did the other day. I finally thought things were starting to calm down, and that had to happen. It hasn't happened that bad in a good year or two. Yeah. It was bad. So bad that, like I said, I haven't stopped shaking in 5 days, I feel like a whore, I can't eat or I almost puke, I can't be around people, la de da de dah..
  • To continue with the one above, here is a nice list of things I can't handle, because of my mother: Yelling, screaming, loud noises, sudden movements, surprises, the dark, numerous textures, squeaking noises, being in a corner, being hugged, being kissed, being touched, being looked/stared at, being anywhere near a knife, swimming in water, most large insects/arachnids, being grabbed, having things thrown at me, being alone in a room (mainly the bathroom), mirrors...meh. Too many. She magnified alot of my fears, and gave me alot of others. I was at Lowell's, and his little cousin came down, and I couldn't handle him. And all he did was sit there and talk. I mean, yeah, he talked alot, but I couldn't handle it. Too much at once, and I had to leave the room.
  • There's just to things going on at once, in general.
  • I feel trapped, which I can't handle. I can't leave, for reasons I won't get into atm, I can't see Lowell nearly as much, I have no privacy at all..
  • Mom's been kissing me like crazy, and I can't handle it. She also keeps saying "I Love You", and trying to get me to say it back, and it kills me. She came in the other morning and was practically laying on my bed and on top of me, putting her arms over me and kissing me like crazy and she wouldn't stop. I almost punched her in the face. I can't even handle thinking about it right now. I can't handle anything.
  • I wanna cry, or just...anything. But I can't. I'm numb. And with being numb, I'm sarcastic. And cold-hearted. On the outside. I have feelings (believe it or not) but I can't express them. Everything I say comes out dry and uncaring, and I can't change it. Ugh.
  • I've been sleeping too much for my own good, but never when I'm supposed to be sleeping. Makes tons of sense. But no matter how much I sleep, I'm still tired, and still have no energy what-so-ever. *shrug, sigh*

    Fuck it, I'm going to bed. Oyasumi.

    10:29 p.m.

    Thursday, July 24, 2003

    Damn. Things really aren't working out this weekend. At all.

    Lowell, Alex, Lacy and I were all gonna go see Tomb Raider 2 but Lacy has to work until later and the only showing we'd be able to make it to is the one at 7:10, but she can't be out driving past 9. I don't believe Alex can either.

    *bites self* Considering they're the same age...x_X

    I dunno. I was thinking Lowell, Alex and I, or if Alex can't, Lowell and I, would go see the movie, and then we'd all meet up later or something. I'd say we'd go Sunday, but I'm not allowed to see anybody Sunday, since I'm seeing Lowell on Saturday. So yeah. It all sucks. But if Lacy doesn't have to work tomorrow, maybe we could all go at 10 or 4. But I think she is. We'll see what happens, I 'spose.

    I'm really in love with this new layout, but it sucks if you don't have an 800x600 res. I'll fix it up so it looks okay no matter what res, later. I just don't feel like thinking at the moment.

    Niki and I are back to being ourselves, I hope. She read a nasty entry I had written, with dedications to my friends. At that time, I hated nearly everyone. The only people who didn't get nasty dedications, were Lowell, Lacy and Alex. The three I couldn't push away, and didn't even really want to. Because they understood. But she read it, and she understood and all, and we're back to being ourselves, it seems, which is great. We're hanging out tonite, which I'm not sure I'm ready for, considering what happened the other day, and how I've been shaking for over 3 days straight. But we'll see.

    For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, e-mail me and I just might tell you. Or just go here and see.

    HOLY FUCK!. Thunder. Must go hide. EEP!

    03:00 p.m.

    Monday, July 21, 2003

    Aha. It's done. For the most part.

    And believe it or not, I didn't use Photoshop for anything. Not even Photo Editor. Or picture it. Or PSP. Not even Paint.

    Be proud of me. Be proud of me NOW.

    Comments are back. Tell me you love me.

    10:18 p.m.

    Monday, July 21, 2003

    Dammit! I almost had this thing done to, and now it's starting to storm, and I have to shut the computer down again. Not only that, but I have to go take care of the horses. To make it all better, I'm dead afraid of thunderstorms!

    I fuckin hate mondays.

    Sorry, don't have comments up yet. E-mail me or some shit.

    07:53 p.m.

    Monday, July 21, 2003

    Dammit! I almost had this thing done to, and now it's starting to storm, and I have to shut the computer down again. Not only that, but I have to go take care of the horses. To make it all better, I'm dead afraid of thunderstorms!

    I fuckin hate mondays.

    Sorry, don't have comments up yet. E-mail me or some shit.

    07:53 p.m.

    Monday, July 21, 2003

    Archived.

    07:40 p.m.