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Hurt I hurt myself todayto see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real The needle tears a hole the old familiar sting Try to kill it all away but I remember everything NIN Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. |
Sunday, September 1, 2002 Goodbye...(edited because i'm a dumbass) Lau melted away at 10:33 p.m. Friday, August 30, 2002 Worthless little piece of nothing...
Sorry about ending that so quickly earlier, Lowell arrived at my house, so I had to end it. Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yes, the urges. They're becoming unbearable. Especially after what happened today. Mom is continuously working on making my life hell. Embarassing me all to hell, making shopping ridiculously difficult, and insulting me continuously. We were in Gadzooks, and I came out and asked her if she didn't like who I was, if she disapproved of everything I am...and she nodded her head! And then just denied it. Said she didn't hear what I said. Fuckin bull shit. I hate her. I fuckin hate her. Well, after that, I decided to go back to Hot Topic to get my fishnets, and mom said she'd stand in line with my pants, and told me to meet her at the coffee shop. So I went to Hot Topic, looked around for 10-15 minutes, bought my fishnets, and headed to the coffee shop. Well, they weren't there. I waited a few minutes, and they didn't show up, so me and Lowell decided to go to the bookstore. We stayed there for 10 minutes or so, and then went back to the coffee shop. They still weren't there. So, we waited by the fountain, which is right next to the coffee shop, and in plain view. Well, about 5 or 10 minutes later, dad walks up all bitchy like, and gets all pissed, saying I wasn't there when I said I would be. They told me to meet them at the coffee shop, so they should have stayed there. Well, dad decided to be an asshole for awhile, and then when we got out to the truck, mom bitched and yelled at me for awhile, right infront of Lowell. I didn't even do a damn thing wrong. She even blamed me for the fact that she had to stand in line for a half hour for my pants! She volunteered to do so! Jeezuz Krist. And then, in the next breath, she blamed me for taking 20 minutes in Hot Topic, when after 20 minutes had gone by, she hadn't even bought my pants yet, and was nowhere near the coffee shop. Dumbass. And then she tried to tell me, that there was this huge line at the coffee shop too. Bull shit, there was nobody at the damned coffee shop, they barely even had any tables out. Ugh, she pisses me off. So yeah, she bitched at me something horrible, and I bitched back a bit, but tried all I could to keep my mouth slightly shut. Then I just lost it and started crying in the back of the truck. My parents didn't hear me, thank god, because they would've bitched at me for that too, but Lowell did. I guess that's a good thing. But I'm just so pissed. I'm so sick of her shit. She's treating me like I'm fuckin 5 and I'm not! Jeezuz, I fuckin hate her!
However...moving on..I'm such a worthless little piece of nothing. Lowell was in a perfectly good mood, and when I was getting off the phone with him, I totally brought him down with me. I feel horrible. He deserves so much better than me, he really does. He deserves so much more than I can give him. All I'll do is hurt him, I'm sure that's all I've done. He deserves someone so much better. I don't deserve a damned thing. Except pain. Pain and death. I wanna leave, god dammit, I just wanna leave.
All this shit is getting to me, everything that's going on, everything that she's done, I just want it to all go away, I can't even explain it I'm so fuckin stupid. I don't deserve to be here, I don't need to be here. Maybe I'll just leave. Nobody needs me, they'll all forget, and so many will be happy. Maybe I should just leave.
*T*
Just make myself a noose and hang myself. Or make real use of that razor. Or I could just jump off my roof, if I do it right, it'll get rid of me. Or if I wanna be a chicken shit, I can always down the bottle of pills in the bathroom. It's so easy, so damn easy. Why can't I just be a cold heartless bitch and end it all? I fuckin hate this...
Ice is fuckin cold. Why the fuck am I so weak? I can't even hold a piece of fuckin ice on my wrist until it fully melts. But god damn it hurts, sends shooting pains through your body...and it makes me short of breathe, now i'm dizzy. I'm so fuckin weak! So god damned fuckin WEAK!
I'm worthless...weak...undeserving...pathetic..you name it. Someone just shoot me and get it overwith...please.. Lau melted away at 02:41 a.m. Thursday, August 29, 2002 Jeezuz Krist...
Let's see, where to start...where to start...oh, there we go, LIFE FUCKIN SUCKS. And no, I don't feel better now. Everything is going all to hell. Let me start at the beginning. As this has nothing to do with why life fuckin sucks, i'm going to include it anyways. Lowell and Corey got in a big argument last night, and they're both upset. It's a huge frickin misunderstanding, but neither of them will understand that. They both think they hurt each other, and to add to it, Lowell is pissed, and Corey has decided he's going to stay out of both of our lives so he won't "fuck anything up" anymore. And both of them, are way to stubborn to talk to each other. So here is little me in the middle trying to get them to talk. Lowell more than Corey. I talked to Corey last night, trying to make him understand that it's all a misunderstanding, but he told me I don't understand when it's really him that doesn't understand. And I talked to Lowell, and he's all upset, and I really don't know if he's upset or pissed, I think both, but he won't talk to Corey either, and he refuses to admit it's a misunderstanding. Jeezuz. Men, I tell ya. So damned stubborn. I just hope they get it worked out.
Let's see...now the reasons why life totally sucks. Hm. Mom's a bitch, for one. She's been bitching at me all morning, and bullshit, I don't want to get into why, or how, because it just gets me all frustrated, and I don't want to cry because Lowell is going to be here any minute, and I just did my make up anyways. But I'm sick of being treated like I"m 5, it's so degrading. And I'm not even allowed to stick up for myself. I stick up for myself, and Lowell can't come over, and I don't want him to be alone today, so I took it all. Also, I stick up for myself, and I can't my ass kicked, literally. So I have to surrender to her and sacrifice my pride, the last thing I have left, and there's not even much of that. So yes, I'm over here losing my mind. Faking for the world, even faking for Lowell, for the sole reason, that I know he's going to know what's wrong and I don't want to explain it. That and I know he feels bad that he can't help me with my problems, and I don't know just how to explain to him that he's doing more for me than I ever imagined possible. But he keeps thinking he can do more. I don't know. So I fake. I hide. I cry. And I die a little more each time. It's so hard to go on like this. I'll be amazed if I make it through the day without crying, and through the night without cutting. Sorry, lack of triggerisms. I'm going back to my old ways and I don't want that. My old ways were...err...triggerisms..
*T*
My old ways, were cutting, constantly, burning here and there, icing pretty much every time I saw a piece of ice, slightly overdosing, just to knock myself out every now and then, not eating, and making myself passout and majorly overdosing in 3 select suicide attempts that failed.
Anyways, I'm going to end this now, I'll write again later, Ja ne. Lau melted away at 02:34 p.m. Wednesday, August 28, 2002 Pagename...Pagename..uhm...yeah.
Wanna hear something scary? I actually went to sleep last night. I got off the phone with Lowell at 10 after 10 or so and was supposed to call him back in 10 mins, but fell asleep. I woke up at 6:30 and have been up ever since. So unlike me. But of course, I'm sick, so that's why. I have a damned cold. This morning was horrible. I got up and was all...bored like. And at 7:30 or 8:00 I got online and checked my TOD to find the entry written by Lowell. I couldn't even read it all, I just started crying and closed the window. After a lil while I went and read it again, all of it this time, and I totally lost it. I wasn't sure whether to call him or not, because I knew he had written it late last night, and that right now, he was probably asleep...hopefully. I wanted to make sure he was okay, but I knew if I called that early, that well..it was early and I shouldn't. So I was flipping out all morning, literally. I turned into a major schitzo. But at about quarter to 11, I called him, and he answered, and oh my god..major relief. He's okay too, nothing's wrong, he's totally fine. God I was so happy. I couldn't tell him I loved him enough times. I don't think he realizes how much he scared me. Which is a good thing, because then he'd feel bad, and I don't want him to, he has no reason to feel bad, it's how he felt, I just wish there was something I could do to make everything better for him. *sigh* But he's okay, and I'm so damned happy that he is. I almost cried I was so happy. But I've done enough crying for today. Sash is home, I don't know what happened at the meeting though. Sash had found Lowell's entry to and posted a reply, and later once I found out all was okay, I sent her a message on yahoo. I guess she got it, because I went back to the diary a few mins ago and she changed the whole message, and all. So all is okay with her I guess. She said she'd update us later on what happened at the meeting at the psych hospital yesterday.
I feel like shit. There's so much I wanna do, but I don't because I don't feel good. I was hungry this morning when I woke up, but I put off eating until about 20 after 12 or so. I had a few bites of the macaroni shells and cheese stuff and a glass of chocolate milk, and was completely full. I have a very small stomach now. Whether that's good or bad...I dunno. But yeah, .. I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh well.
I'm making dinner for Lowell tomorrow (hopefully). I'm gonna make my ranch chicken with long grain and wild rice. Most likely anyways. Dunno yet. That should be interesting though, because I usually eat around him, because I know he wants me to, that and I'm usually happier around him, but being at home..it's not going to be that easy. I don't eat much at home. Oh well. I guess I should start eating again anyways, or atleast make it look like I'm eating, so that I don't get bitched at for it. Again. And I don't want more rumors flying around school this year. Again.
Oy. Anyways. I wonder what time Lowell's appt is..I think he said it's at 1, which means he won't be home until after 2, which totally and completely sucks. I miss him. Already. I wanna talk to him. I was so worried about him this morning, that I just wanna see him. Dammit. Ah well.
I'm brainstorming. Trying to come up with a way to make myself happier. Talking to someone might help. Meds might help. But that would involve talking with someone. I have to stay away from anything of the SI area. Uhmm....I could try a spell or ritual, but I have no motivation as of right now. I could go try and get some of that St. John's Wort again, but if mom finds it again she's going to kick my ass. I got some last time and hid it in my room, and she found it and threw it away. I made up a story and she believed me, but if she finds 'em this time, then she's not gonna believe that story anymore, and then all hell will break loose, and I'm not looking forward to that. Hell can stay right where it is, god dammit. Wow...that sentence made total and complete sense from a christian point of view. x_X Anyways. I should go do something with the rest of that shells and cheese. Get rid of it, so it makes it look like I ate all of it so I don't get my ass kicked. I have to clean my room too. I don't want to. I should start exercising as well, but I don't wanna do that either. Mom also wants me to call Nina's to see about my job, but I'm not looking forward to that either. Damn the world. I think I'm gonna go look in the classifieds for a different job. If I don't see anything, I'll go to Nina's. But maybe I'll go to sleep first. For a little while. I'm so damned tired lately. I hate being sick. I suppose I should start typing up a post too, but I don't feel like doing that either. I'll do it later. I said that yesterday too. And the day before that. I'll do it eventually. Maybe.
DAMN! I have to go back to school a week from Thursday. That fuckin sucks.
Don't mind my sudden revelations. Hm. I think I'm gonna take off, and actually go get something done (maybe). I'll prolly write later. But prolly not. Who knows. Ja Lau melted away at 12:49 p.m. Tuesday, August 27, 2002 After Dinner...
Ugh...I just got back from dinner, and I feel horrible. I had half a piece of chicken and some homeade french fries. I can still lightly smell them, and it's pissing me off. I wanna go in and keep washing my hands, just because they were all greasy, and it just uuuuuggggghhhhhhh it pisses me off. This fuckin sucks. I feel so horrible. I'm only gonna have a glass of ice water to drink, instead of having my normal chocolate milk or some shit. And no midnight snacks.
I've been so weak lately, all dizzy and dis-oriented like. And running fevers. One minute I'm cold, the next I'm hot. Right now I'm freezing and I have a temperature of 95.6 below average. Meh. I don't care. Ahh..my skin feels like it's on fire, yet I'm freezing. How incredibley sinister. Hm. I'm just gonna sit here curled up in my blanket and talk to Lowell. Bye now.
Lau melted away at 09:40 p.m. Tuesday, August 27, 2002 Hm.
I have a horrible time coming up with entry titles. Damn them all to hell. Anyways, I am offically going out of my mind. Literally. I think I may just have to seclude myself away for awhile. Do myself and everyone else a favor. I'm losing my last shreds of sanity. I need to do something, to talk to someone, before it takes a violent turn...again...I mean, hell, the urges are already something horrible, and I don't know how long I can control them. I need something to help me, and of course I can admit that because nobody is actually going to see this diary...I hope. Of course with my luck....yeah. I guess that means I don't have to trigger things anymore, but I will anyways, just for my own sanity..if there's any left.
*T* Fuck..I smell french fries, and they actually smell good...but they're too damn greasy. I've already had 2 of those lil pieces of pizza at 4:30am, and then I just had an english muffin, at 8:20pm or so, I don't want french fries and chicken. Dammit. I'm so tempted to try out Mia, but I won't. I'll get my ass royally kicked by anyone...if they find out. I could hide it from anyone except Lowell. I just can't. I love him to much.
Fuck....I'm right on the edge of an attack, I can feel it, my whole body just shook wicked bad because I saw the razor...fuck fuck fuck....it did it again...dammit no...That's it..i need something, meds, something, to get rid of these attacks, i can barely type i'm shaking so bad.
Okay, I think I'm okay. I need something to tie around my arm...
Dammit..it's not tight enough..it's not working...fuck fuck FUCK! I found a string, but i can't tie it around my own arm...heeeeeey....a hair clip, that might work..nooooooooooo it just makes it worse!
GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD DDDDDDAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMIIIIITTT!!!!!!!!
Alright, I think I've got it. For now...until it numbs up, and then i'll have to find something tighter, or just tie another one.
My dad just came to my door with homeade potato chips. I couldn't resist, so I had some. And they're so greasy. Damn me. That just raised tonite's amount of exercise...dammit.
I hurt myself today..to see if I still feel..I focus on the pain..the only thing that's real...the needle tears a hole...the old familiar sting..try to kill it all away..but i remember everything..
Random NIN'ness. I love this song. It explains how I feel so damn well.
What have I become..my sweetest friend..everyone I know..goes away...in the end...you could have it all..my empire of dirt...i will let you down..i will make you hurt..
More random NIN'ness. Anyways...I can't think of anything to write, but I don't want to stop writing...fuck. Oh well, I'll stop anyways. I'll write again later. Ja. Lau melted away at 08:54p.m. Tuesday, August 27, 2002 Blah...
Bored is me...bored is me...it's 6:30am...yet I'm up. And yes, I went to sleep already. I just kept waking up. I can never sleep through the night, unless I drug myself, which I didn't feel like doing last night. Prolly should have. Ah well. I've decided that I'm most likely not going to give the name of this diary out to anyone, with the exception of my §§. They already have it. I think. I dunno. Anyways, on the triggering note...
*T*
I was a I think I'm going to go downstairs and get something to eat. Well...maybe not something to eat, but something to drink. Then I guess I'll try and get another hour or two of sleep. I dunno. Anyways, I'll write again later. Ja
Lau melted away at 06:30 a.m. Sunday, August 25, 2002 Fuck..
Yes, I know I just wrote, but I need to write again. I hurt so fuckin bad. Why? Well, my whole body still hurts from last week. Last Wednesday, and last Friday, when mom decided to test her strength and use me as a personal fuckin punching bag. She fucked up my back and neck, but of course, I tell nobody this, because they'll try and get me to do something about it, about her, and I'm not going to, because I'm not going to let my family down. I refuse to. They hate me enough, I don't need more.
But god..it hurts so bad. My neck, and my back something horrible, especially my neck right now.
*T*
I wanna cut. I know, I'm already in pain, why be in more? I don't know. Maybe because I deserve it, who the fuck knows, I just want to. I want to disappear to. I want to something. Fuck, this is pissing me off...
I have to get working on this diary, but I don't feel like it now. I feel like writing. And such. And sitting her listening to NIN because they kick ass.
This fuckin sucks. I'm sitting here, and I know something's going to happen, and I know it's going to happen soon. I'm going to break down, and not like I have before, I'm going to break down and lose my mind, hopefully just temporarily, and most likely, right in front of my mother, and then all hell will break loose. I wish I could get out of here. I wish I could do something. Alright, I'm actually leaving now. Going to go do something, I just don't know what yet. Ja. Lau melted away at 04:52 a.m. Sunday, August 25, 2002 Falling...
What a night. I swear, I'm losing my mind lately. I had a good day though. I spent most of the day with Lowell. But tonite, tonite I'm losing my mind. I just found out that a friend of mine is being taken to the hospital because her father beat the living shit out of her. All because he was drunk. God damn I hate him. I'm so worried about her...but I know she'll be okay.
What do you do when you can't take it anymore? When it gets so much, that you're not even yourself anymore? When you can't deal with the smallest things because it's driving you insane? And when these things that drive you insane, are something you have to live with day after day and they only seem to get worse? What do you do?
You become me. You go totally psychotic, and start shaking, and losing your breath, and completely going out of your mind. Or you cry yourself, not only to sleep, but to insanity, and wake up, not knowing who you are, where you are, or what happened. It's great, really it is.
It's become so familiar to me. And it's so hard to deal with. Yet everyone expects me too. They don't know how bad I'm screaming inside. They just expect me to deal with it. They think they know everything, but they don't. It's not their fault. I just can't explain it all. Probably because I don't know all of it. I can't remember. I blocked it from my brain. Either that or it was the shock of the whole situation...who knows.
My parents are growing to hate me. They're no longer proud of me, they want to know just what it is that i've turned into and shit. I'm myself, but they can't accept that. They can't accept the fact that they're daughter is a complete and total disappointment.
You can have it all...my empire of dirt...I will let you down...I will make you hurt...
A quote from NIN-Hurt. People should listen to that when around me. I'll only hurt them, but none of them will admit it. I don't want to hurt anyone. But it seems whoever gets close to me, gets hurt, whether it's by me or not. I'd be better of as a hermit. Then I wouldn't put so many people through hell.
Anyways, I suggest I should go. I don't want to bitch any longer. I know I sound selfish and attention hungry, but who says I'm going to let anyone see this? So what if I'm selfish and attention hungry. Even if I know I'm not, but I've been told the contrary, and what can I say, I'm only me, the subject being judged, my opinion has no place in this world, either does my presence.
Bed time, goodnight. Lau melted away at 04:26 a.m. |
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