Stress?! What stress?! (*TwItCh*)
Friday, December 21, 2001 - 06:56 p.m.

Lawdy, lawdy, I feel forty. Thousand. Million years old. All the time.

Yesterday was ok. I was finally back to work after having my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday. (more on Tuesday's adventures further on) We had our Christmas/end-of-year party at the office. That was ok, too. There was a separate get together of the Portsmouth techs somewhere in Dover. I didn't go, of course. I had myself a good cry on the way home that day. I think a lot of it was pent up energy from the two days out, and a desire to be part of something, but my general cowardice backing me out of it. There was really no solid reason I couldn't have gone. But past is past, and I'm glad no one said anything to me about not being there yesterday to me today, or I would have probably lost my cool.

Today was mixed emotions. I was very happy to see two of my favorite people out of the techs I work with. Unfortunately they were both leaving permenantly that day. George got laid off, Chris was moving on to a ~much~ sweeter job. I hugged both and made them promise to at least try to stay in touch. George said he was going to mail me baby pictures of the new baby. ^_^* I think out of all the people I work with, I was closest to really being friends with him. And Chris, being the considerate guy that he is, will undoubtedly check in at some point. So that's cool. I guess. I was still sorry to see them go. It just makes it that much quieter during the day. Just makes the remaining people seem that much more distant.

I was stressing all day, because I saw the note on the kitchen table (the writing on the wall?) this morning that was my dad's one-week notice. As of next Friday, he no longer works for Dinsmore Communications. I don't know what I was expecting. I was on pins and needles all day trying to keep my mouth shut. I know a lot more than a lot of people about what's going to happen in the office in the next week or so, and it may well drive me crazy. It's not so much the event, as trying to be patient. To quote Tom Petty: "The waiting is the hardest part". Amen.

I just about bit my loving boyfriend's head off this afternoon, because I was so on edge, and so pensive, that I turned a fairly innocent debate into "you're judging me!!" and that was just stupid. Looking back on that, that was so stereotypically "female" that I could just puke. Isn't it always the woman who is whining about being judged, while judging people? And don't they eventually get away with it, by maybe crying a little, or pushing people around? I don't want to get away with it, I want to be put in my place. I want to be called down/out for that crap. I do ~not~ want to fit into that category of winning arguments by an obnoxious woman. There are differences between being an obnoxious woman, and an obnoxious man, I think. Obnoxious women have acid tongues, they blame it on their hormones, they blame it on men, they blame it on you. They blame. I don't want to blame, or really, to justify. I want to be honest, and straightforward, and a no-shit sort of person. That is increasingly difficult, as I realize that I blame myself, my health, and my lousy mental state for just about anything and everything that goes awry. It goes beyond taking responsibility, and falls into a sicker arena. It's a lousy spiral. There's food, and I'm tired, and I need to shower, and I'm working tomorrow, and I'm working Monday, and I'm going to stop.
Now.

Gum for lunch is bad, mm'kay?
Monday, December 17, 2001 - 02:31 p.m.

I overslept somehow this morning. I ate ramens about 4 hours ago. I just damned internet explorer to hell per Buck's request. I feel very random. This is not usual.
Giraffe?

In a more positive arena. It snowed! Whoo! Pretty flakies. Of course, I have to drive home in that, but I shall wait worry about that until I have to do so. This won't be for a while yet.

I'm debating whether or not I should complain about being hungry. It is solely my own fault that I am in such a state. I'm already going against my "diet". That just isn't right. The only stipulation of this "diet" is that I eat food, and try to make the majority of it non-instant junk, at that. It's not that I'm wasting away, far from it. It's just that I feel sick, and sleepy, all day long, every day. That = bad. I'd go out, but that requires at least a half hour, and that's really just to make a run to the corner, due to having to drive extra-cautiously through the snow. I'd order in, but I really don't feel like asking everybody else, and I'd be exceptionally rude if I didn't.

Why can't I just get my walking papers and be done with it? Then I could go be a statstic at the damn mall, but at least get a manditory break, giving me access to the glorious, wonderful food court. And maybe I'd have the desire to go out in the evenings. And maybe I'd get more invested in the college scene. And maybe I'd be able to visit my betrothed more often. (Oh, did I forget to mention we're engaged? yeah, sorry about that. ^_^;) Lots of maybes, but they're all good maybes for once. How about that?

No, I'm not hungry at all. *Dies*
~Ji-sama

What is this I see before me?
Friday - the blah hours of the evening

why am I always tired?

Dan should update his layout.

Why didn't I go shopping?

My christmas presents aren't ready.

Why don't I just do something?

Why do I have to keep asking why?

perplexion,
~Ji-sama

Angel, don't you have some bagels in my oven? (god I hope not)
Friday, December 14, 2001 - 09:27 a.m.

Happy new years! Oh.... wait.... Not quite.

I want to be a goth. I want to be elaborate. I want to appear effortlessly pretty like so many beautiful girls I see. I want to be color coordinated (sometimes). I want to have nice clothes that actually look nice... on me. I want to surpass my harshest critic: myself. I want to meet my own standards of eloquence and elegance for once.

It's been a while since I've had a vocal bout of (re)constructive self-criticism. I could use a catharsis. Well, I guess all I need to do is bide my time, and one will come to me. In the meantime, I will mutter about being a drudge, and not living up to my potential, and about how apprehensive I am about the upcoming weeks.

Honestly, I see so much benefit in leaving my job, I really do hope that they ask me to. It'd be a chance to re-regulate my eating and sleeping habits. I'm tired of being told I'm an automaton by my friends. My friends who have yet to work a serious job, I might append. My friends who come from relatively secure backgrounds, I might tack on as a second point. My friends who don't know what it's like to be brave while your whole family attempts to find a place to live and can't. My friends whose parents probably didn't go all out for their jobs. I was brought up with the understanding that if you sign on to do something, you by-gods do it to the very best of your ability. Or if nothing else, make no excuses about your behavior. I make so many excuses, it's so shameful. It's so funny, really. I am so ashamed of this behavior, but I realize that the people who I fear I disappoint don't usually mind at all. I think I set false precendents for myself because I'm just afraid of becoming too prideful. Or maybe I'm already too prideful, and I am somehow proud of my shame. It's such a big joke. It's completely ridiculous. I don't operate this way constantly, do I? It's just on certain points. I think.
Whatever.

Uneducatedly yours,
~Ji-sama the not-really-self-loathing-but-pretends-to-be-for-dramatic-effect (oi)