Sweeeeeeet!
Sunday, April 20, 2003 - 09:12 p.m.

Nerdslut

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

On the hill?
Thursday, April 17, 2003 - 09:45 p.m.

Which tarot card are you?

Behold, for I am a stuff whore
Wednesday, April 16, 2003 - 11:39 a.m.

I think my website is broken right now. Boo. It should be back soon. I hope.

I was all set to send stuff and.... I can't find my address book! Anywhere!! *yell face* Stupid me. Sorry Randy, sorry Kat, sorry Aaron, sorry everybody, I'm so spacy it's really shameful. I'm only missing a few addresses, but some of them I really do need to get this all done right. The last thing I want to do is send someone yucky cookies. That would blow.

And if anyone is wondering about the title to this little blurb, it stems from the fact that I remembered that I want to get the set of 3 shirts from explodingdog. Or maybe just the red robot on the grey shirt. I can't really decide. The 3 together are cheaper, but grey shirts rock on principle alone. XD I want to thank Marilyn for showing me explodingdog, even though she doesn't know she did, and I never talk to her anymore. (Which is a shame, because I still maintain that she's way cooler than I am, and I could use the coolness exposure.)

In other news, I have an idea (original and everything!) for a new layout. It doesn't even involve stealing anyone's art. It does involve quoting T.S. Eliot. But since I plan on giving him credit, I think that'll probably be ok, ne?

Gone Frolicing,
G "oh my god it's so nice outside" Supernerd

Pffft...
Tuesday, April 15, 2003 - 09:25 p.m.

blah blah blah, the war is evil, blah blah blah, media puppets, yadda yadda, stupid kids are the devil, etc. etc. etc. did you do your taxes?

It's like a poem, only not.

Damn but I'm easily riled
Monday, April 14, 2003 - 04:58 p.m.

I started my job in fast food. This will be short-lived, and my last of its kind, mark my words. Time to make some phone calls.

In other news: I let myself get ticked off by teenagers calling themselves goth without having a clue what it means. Silly me. I may rant about it yet. Or I might just put a nice informative article here about the origins of the modern use of the word "goth" as it has evolved from it's original meaning as the name of a Germanic tribe. I'll do it!

Oh, and update on birfday list: I need Sailor Moon from #5 onwards. I think everything else stays the same. :) Speaking of presents, now that I've got an income, I promise to get stuff done soon!! *sweat* I have a day off Wednesday, let's see what happens!! *crosses fingers*

Also, because it deserves mentioning: Lux, when everything turns out okay, can I have some of that ice cream you were gonna have? :P *hugs* I'd say don't be nervous, but it's like telling a snowflake not to be cold. Ya just can't expect that until things warm up! *chu!*

Luck be a lady tonight,
G

I admit to nothing!!
Monday, April 14, 2003 - 04:53 p.m.

Who's Your Anime Girlfriend?

Sunday, April 13, 2003 - 06:19 p.m.

What Shoujo Mascot Are You?

A Quickie
Saturday, April 12, 2003 - 11:59 a.m.

Just a little blurb to say "Hi! How's it going?" Or something, I dunno, work with me here.

I went to take a nap around 4:30 yesterday... I got up at 9 this morning. Yeah. Well, I was apparently sleep deprived, or something. At any rate, I'm awake now, and I don't feel all that bad. Maybe I just really needed it? And if I really didn't, then it's a good indicator that I need to start taking vitamins. Or upping my caffiene intake, or something. -_-;

When I get around to it, I'm gonna post a little story. It's apropos to the times, despite the basic nature of it's origins. (It's a fable.) Rather than look for it and not find it, I'll probably just re-type it from memory.

So anyway, what's going on? Drop me a line, complain at me, I'm curious!
The G-ster, out!

nerd
Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 08:55 p.m.
Str: 7
Int: 13
Wis: 11
Dex: 11
Con: 7
Chr: 12

oi~~~~!
Monday, April 7, 2003 - 02:21 p.m.

I've decided. What I most definately want, is a gift certificate to here. And if I don't get one, I may end up being sad. :P

To quote Aaron: lalala
Monday, April 7, 2003 - 08:14 a.m.

Proof positive that some folks just should not have a presence on the web. I don't care how novice you are, if you can't read it, it sucks. Them's the rules. I didn't make them up, I just abide by them.

So last night, I went to bed, untired, with a headful of words. And was awake most of the night. Should I be surprised? Nope, not especially. My stomach is rolling around unhappily within me, saying: "That much lo mein, followed up by mexican a few hours later, and not walking it off? I hate you." Getting back to that headful of words, I'm sorry to report that most of said words are lost. Sorry because I think there might have been some quality statements in there, as opposed to the usual "gonads and strife" report I tend to lay down. (Meme ahoy! 5 points and a big smoochie to whomever IDs that reference.) I had some funky dreams, though. One of which was an interesting shounen-ai kinda story. I'll try to lay them out. For those that care, I'm also considering doing an Ereshkigal short story. Because, as we all know, I scream, you scream, we all scream... and run away from Ereshi-chan. :P

Matt, the ever-entertaining, has supplied me - and by extension, you - with a new and fun link! If you are prone to seizures, I do not recommend visiting this site. And I say that in all seriousness. Points gained for creativity in creating this. However it loses several points on lack of other content (and/or repetition), and the abrasiveness of the color palette.

Giania Lilan: look at all the pretty colors!
Giania Lilan: Does it ever stop?
Giania Lilan: my bet is no
Giania Lilan: How do you do it?
Matt: heh
Giania Lilan: Do you just type "bad website" into Google
and get back shit like this?
Matt: it was on a bad website thread at gamingforce,
though a lot of my stuff comes from portal of evil
or something awful
Giania Lilan: naturally

And there you have it. Oh, and FYI! Pepperidge Farm has a new cookie out. The big kind, too. *Slobber* Sanibel. It's milk chocolate and almond. The verdict? Can't talk, eating. (i.e. really damned good)

Out of boredom comes... pointless questionaires!

1. What's the most pointlessly entertaining thing you will admit to doing?
2. Name a book that really affected you:
3. Have you ever purchased an album and been embarassed enough by it to hide it, destroy it, or give it away?
4. Not that I care, but what is your shoe size?
5. What is your absolute ideal living situation?
6. What is your ~practical~ ideal living situation?
7. Ever seen an R.O.U.S.?

For the purposes of copy/pasting, I'll keep my answers separate from the questions, and put them down here
1. Multiple hours of Diamond Mine at popcap games
2. House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski
3. The Burden of Being Upright - Tracy Bonham. In retrospect, it's not that bad of an album. But it was more or less a trend buy, and a non-sequitor in my collection. I have no idea where it went, but I'd kinda like it back.
4. 8, 8 1/2 depending on the shoe maker, obviously
5. My absolute ideal consists of a huge, old house. It would be somewhat secluded, but only in so far as the neighbors would have to squint real hard to look in the windows. I'd live there with my best friends, and my love, and a couple of pets, and a good internet connection. There would always be music, and the TV would be more of a gaming machine and for cheap movies than anything else. The kitchen would be the busiest place in the house. Everyone would pay their share of the rent, but it wouldn't matter too much, because I would always be willing to cover. People would move in and out as their lives demanded, and always be welcome inside those walls. Not that I've thought this out, or anything.
6. An apartment, cheap but not cheap because it's about to fall over. A little kitty cat to sleep on my belly when I don't feel well. And of course, a good internet connection. XD
7. Unless one counts some really fat rabbits, then no.

I know I'm definately going to write more, but I'll stop here, because this entry is getting disgustingly long.
Chatterbox G

Roman-esque Musings
Sunday, April 6, 2003 - 09:22 p.m.

We are like Rome
Golden in our own way
But compartmentalized and shiny
Aspartame and brushed aluminum.
The Coliseum has come home with us
In widescreen, no less
We watch it all to prove we are not afraid to die
Awake in bed or asleep on our feet
It makes no nevermind
Awareness is overrated
Informational fixes are the thing
Glut, regurgitate, and come back for more
If you can afford to do so
Is it any less of a loving bondage?
The relation of master to slave?
Boss to employee?
Your freedom comes at your continued service
And mine comes with yours as well.
A system that has only changed monikers with time
Rome burned in a crumbling, final madness
Has anyone checked our expiration date lately?

I don't rhyme. Bite me. XD
Gigi the Bear

This just in!!!
Saturday, April 5, 2003 - 11:08 p.m.

I updated my site! Go there now or I'll think you don't love me anymore!! XD

Golly Gee Wilikers
Saturday, April 5, 2003 - 03:45 p.m.- 04:45p.m.

Can no one keep their job? Seems like everywhere I turn, someone's getting their ass handed to them. It's so depressing. And it's not exactly heartening, given my position. Why did I quit my job again? Oi.

Woe is I, this American Pie, Does not seem to cut the mustard. My heart in hand, I seek to stand, And not end up like Custer.

My ultimate goal is to end up in a location in which it would be a tremedous freak of nature for snow to occur in April. If nothing else, that should happen before I die. Because quite frankly, if I don't, I will likely end up dying in some driving accident caused by the fact that A) there's snow on the road and B) I have gone utterly insane because of it.

If this entry is more jittery and off-topic than usual, it's because I'm cleaning and sporadically writing. I'll put a start time and an end time on this one. ^_^*

Lessons learned from Homestarrunner.com: Yellow text is hard to read.

The temperature under my breasts is quite pleasant. :P Having said that, stop thinking about feeling under my breasts.I know I mentioned it first, but still, that's no reason to linger on it. I'm such a vicious tease.

And lo, I will now add to my birthday list. If I repeat any items, it's because I'm not looking at my previous list, and I really want said items.

• some nifty art supplies. Maybe new markers? Or a manga pen? Or some good pencils?
• manga manga manga! I still need to round out my collection of Battle Angel Alita
• And on that note... doujinshi would be neat :3 (ecchi or non-ecchi, I'm not picky. :P)
• Some little four-shelfed thingee. I'd kinda like my folding bookshelf back, but that's my own fault for giving it away in the first place.
• gift certificates are cool.

Way too distractimacated to write further.
Space Queen G

ick
Friday, April 4, 2003 - 05:31 p.m.

Feeling lonely, bored, and less-than. I'm just so impressed by the people I read. And utterly convinced that they would find me insipid and unworthy. I still don't know why some people bother talking to me.

Oh, and I'm hungry.
G-the-Pooh

w00t!
Thursday, April 3, 2003 - 09:43 p.m.

	Friend Bear You are everyone's ideal friend because you are sincere and genuinely kind. Sometimes you worry about your friends' problems so much, you forget about your own responsibilities, which can get you into trouble. For you, it's the little things that really count. You also happen to be the main driver of the Cloud Car. No speeding!
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

I hate technology
Thursday, April 3, 2003 - 12:18 p.m.

I was all ready to go. Right up until the moment my CD burning program decided it didn't like my CD burning drive anymore. Woe is I. The quick and dirty solution to this is to send the files to Rob's computer. Which I'm doing. Bah. Of all the ridiculousness. (The longer version involves looking for a key generator, failing to do so, and then spending the rest of the morning looking for doujinshi scans. Which I did.) It leads me to wonder how Nero was installed after the wipedown of the PC in the first place.

This is simply not a lucky project. I don't know what else to say for it. It will be completed soon. I hope.

I guess while I'm sitting here, not eating, not really thinking, I can start compiling my (not-to-be-fulfilled)birthday list. Wiiiiight.

GIMME!!!
• If anyone can find George Harrison - Cloud 9 on CD, I will love them forever. No lie.
• Some form of stuffed animal. Because I don't value my desk/bed/shelf/floor space whatsoever. (HINT: Tonberry. XD)
• At least one disc of new, funky music. I'm dying to get into a new band, or bands, whatever. (There's a list of what I already own at my site, if anyone seeks a reference.)
• Strong Bad Sweatshirt. In as ~huge~ a size as it comes. I just lurve the oversized sweatshirt.
• New throw pillows. Seriously. (This one I ~do~ hope to genuinely get!)
• A book that will magically regenerate my lust for literature. It could happen.
• SailorMoon manga (I need from #2 onward. :P) or Mars manga (Also #2+).
• Incense. It's been quite a while since I've had good incense to smoke my room up with. ^_^;
• Persona 2. I've been eyeballing that game for some time now, and it'd make my life so much easier if someone would just get it for me. I'd like to try out Kartia too, but I've heard really good things about the Persona.

That's not nearly the half of it [Subliminal: greedy bastard] but that's what I could think of off the top of my head. I'm sure I could come up with a bajillion other things if given time, but that's a start. (For example, I still want the FuriKuri shot glass, despite the fact that I don't drink, and despite the fact that the offer is most likely very much expired. Ah well.)

Y'all got drinkies?
HI, MY NAME IS...
G e O r g E n E

I demand junkfood
Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 01:09 p.m.

You wish you were as cool as me, biotch.

Random ego moment aside, I'm hungry. And mildly annoyed. I could be done with my project. However, this morning I noticed we're remarkably short on eggs. And my CD isn't ready. Damned file is clowning around. boo. Hiss. I also need to round up boxes and see if I can calculate my costs. I guess by the time all is said and done, this will be considered everybody's easter present. Guess I should include plastic eggs with cute thingees inside. :P

Speaking of presents and April events... my birthday is coming up. And you know what that means! That's right! I have to re-register my car! *collapse* -_-; I dunno, I'll come up with a birthday list, but I'm pretty bad at that sort of thing. Besides, the things I want most are new sneakers, a hair cut, and just one guiltless clothes shopping trip. (And a crap load of anime, but I digress.)

I downloaded the LiveJournal client thingee. It may make my simultaneous posting... that much more simultaneous! I dunno, it was interesting, but not life-alteringly cool. The only major positive is a spell checker. And I should really be spell checking myself. Ah well. Time will tell if it is indeed worth it.

Have you ever felt like you were waiting for your life to start? Like everything you know is just a preamble to the ~real~ reality that lies ahead? The one you've read about, and dreamed about, and longed for. I'm dying to know.

File is done! And I have to hurry if I'm going to get that first copy burned before I have to go.

*flies away with batwings attached to head*
The G of the Night

Sam says the all look like me...
Tuesday, April 1, 2003 - 01:26 p.m.

My brother Sam says all the girls who have portrait icons on my LJ Friends page look like me. To include Erica, and we're not even the same skin tone. That's crazy. :P

Gaia online just opened up the "Love" building in their town menu, and it's a personals section. I put up a post there under "Girls seeking Girls". No, I have not switched teams or whatever you wanna call it. It says I'm engaged. And it also mentions I'm just looking to talk to someone who is actually from around this area. That would be pretty neat. I mean, I haven't had regular friends in forever. (No offense to the people at Drew. I just... never quite got adjusted, I guess.) I'll probably take it down in a few days. It's a pretty silly notion. Plus, I don't really need any stalkers.

I'm worried about some people. (Well, more than some, but not everything needs be listed.) Mei is in a bad way over her separation, and I don't know what to do for her. On top of that, she's in a ton of pain, another thing I can't really do anything about. -_-; Tabitha isn't doing so hot either, from what I've gathered by the entries I've read. (Honey, you write a ton, I can't keep up with aaaaall of it. :P) Two of my brothers are flunking, last I checked, and there's not a thing I can do about it. It's not a fun feeling.

Update on the cookie project! Okay, I know I'm late already, but uhmm.... yeah. I'm going to fix the last kinks, burn the CDs and find boxes tonight. Tomorrow, barring any pressing engagements, will be the baking/shipping date. Yaaaay!!! I gotta remember to check with Matty to see if he's just getting a CD, or what. He seemed kind of non-commital originally, and I'd rather not end up with ~no~ cookies for me. :P

Anyway, my shea butter smelling self has to get ready to roll, so I'm signing off. Adieu, ciao, adios, etc.
Ain't nothin' but a G-thang

dtermination: raspberry yerba mate
Monday, March 31, 2003 - 11:10 p.m.

I updated the site mildly today. post psycho-depressive bout. mostly the comics list.

Headed off the issue of blog vs. talk at the pass, and talked about things before they could become a problem. I don't feel as bad. Still weird, but not bad. "I have exorcized the demons!" (For now.) It's well of you who read this swill on a regular basis to ignore my more disturbing fluff pieces, because more often than not, they only make any sense at all to me, and even that's debatable.

Listened to the new Radiohead album way ahead of time, they are getting back to more of a guitar sound, and it's really really nice. I highly recommend sneaking at least a few tracks to convince yourself it needs buying.

I've got two whole pictures up at Gaia!!! I'm so proud of myself. One is a heavily edited sketch that I agree is a bit too edited. The other is a five minute oekaki salute to the one and only Domo-kun. My rejected Leroy sketch is going up on Elfwood, I'll put that link up as soon as the change has gone through. Gaia has gotten the art bug inside of me, and it itches like crazy. It'd be nice if I had some good pencils... and some more confidence!! Ah well.

No word yet on any job front. *sadness* I put it another resume. It's just a case of plugging away until someone hires my ass, I guess. A bad economy is such a bastard. Someday I'll figure out why things get like this. And maybe I'll even try to fix it on a grander scale than just being personally fiscally responsible.

Let's nuke the bridge we torched 2,000 times before/ This time we'll blast it all to hell/ I've had this burning in my guts now for so long/ My belly's aching now to say
G-money

Ignore me, I'm just psycho (again)
Monday, March 31, 2003 - 09:24 a.m.

It just feels like it's not even worth talking about. All my prose is the same, and all my poetry comes to me in whisps that hide as soon as I go to commit them to paper. What is it I need? I don't know. What is it I want? I'm afraid to linger on that question, much less answer it. Where does comfort lie? You'd like to think I'd be able to answer that, but I feel I can't. There's a sensation of impending doom that comes to me regardless of the weather. My sleep is broken with dreams I don't talk about because they reassure my neurotic assumption that I am indeed a worthless whore. It really isn't right to have lasting guilt over what I dream about, but it's there. On top of all that, I feel fairly certain that I shouldn't even mention any of the above here, because it means that now I'm going to have to talk about it. Mostly, I worry that I'm just not good enough for him. Even so, if I ever did anything to hurt him, or drive him away, it would be the end of me. I keep thinking about that. I generally have a "no self-induced death" policy, but I'd make an exception if I somehow managed to be so horrible as to push him away. The shame (not to mention the defeat and heartbreak) would be too great. I don't know why this sudden agony, but I really wish it would just go away.

And I was doing so well, too.
G the heartless

Latest obsession
Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 07:01 p.m.

I'm not one for massive RPGs. Boards or games. (Too much confusion and too many idiots. It's why I never really got addicted to MUD-ing.) However, I'm growing attached to http://www.go-gaia.com. It's cute, it's fun, and it's cute. :P I know I said that twice. Plus, it's a place where I can pretty much half-ass RPG and be okay with that form of mediocrity. But mostly, it's a whatever forum. Seeing as my journal doesn't draw much discussion, it's up to me to seek it out. (And maybe draw some people in! :P )

I actually think it's rather difficult to drum up and maintain journal readership. You either have to have a lot of friends, an interesting life, or a talent for opinion pieces. Now, in relation to this (or these if you count the LJ as a separate thing), I have a couple friends, a repetative life, and I'm too sporadic an editorial writer to really drum up a consistant following. I do, and probably will be improving upon that, now that I feel like less of a monster. The juices are flowing once again, so to speak, and I will feel compelled to share.

Oh, and the other major perk to Gaia? L0cke artwork. Oooooh yeeeeeaaah.

Snoochie boochie noochies,
Gia-bia-bo-bia-banana-fana-fo-fia-me-mai-mo-mia-Gia

Soo....
Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 01:36 p.m.

Just about through with the CD/cookie project. My wallet is pretty much the only thing holding me back. It's worth it to send things the way they ought to be sent, though. ^_^* It'll be like a regular care package for some! :P

There was going to be a booklet included, but it occurs to me that I don't really have the resources to do something like that, so I'm just gonna adapt it for the web and provide everyone with the link.

But now I gotta run!!

Chu!
G-money

How you looking?
Monday, March 24, 2003 - 10:35 a.m.

I smell good enough to screw. *buffs halo* God bless shea butter lotion. To quote myself: "I smell so good that if I was someone else, even though I'd find me unattractive, I'd still hit that."

This whole war makes my stomach knot up. It's easy to have feelings of support and feelings of protest at the same time. And it's impossible to ignore. (It would also be irresponsible to simply ignore the whole thing, in my opinion.) I wish our troops the best of fortune, but I wish they didn't have to be there in the first place.

Self-piteous comment of the day: I wish I was a little bit more like Faye Valentine. (If only in build. :P If I could just get a few inches taller, I'd be golden, I know it.)

It drives me nuts when creative people don't create. (Myself included, but we'll drop that for now.) Artists, and writers that I worship on principle alone never seem to be as prolific as people I wouldn't give a dime to buy their work if it was for their ailing grandomother. It's crazy. But then, I like struggling artists. They show so much passion, and vibrance. I like work that makes you empathize on levels you don't even quite understand. I like it when someone can make me cry and not hate myself for it. (It's a rarity.) Fanart, original art, personal and fictional writing, if it displays original emotion, I will undoubtedly gravitate to it. (Which is a bit of an oxymoron, since emotions are some of the most frequently categorized things I know of.) Overall, I think it's probably harder for someone to impress me with words than with art. I admire artists so readily it's a little ridiculous. (I'd make a terrible critic, because as long as it's better than what I can do [i.e. about everything] and it's stylistically disgusting, it gets an A.) However, to be an impressive writer is a challenge. I give myself a low rating on my personal writing, because I quite frankly don't like to read lengthy disserations on why someone can't stand their own company. (As much as I do it, I dislike it. But it works my dementia out of my system, so I do it anyway.) In fact, what (who, really) got me started reading journals (other than to keep tabs on people) was the same person I read daily. Granted, I do the "I wonder what's up with friend x?" thing with it now, but I still read for the same reason I started in the first place, and that's the pure fact that I love the way she writes. I'm gonna assume the wummun knows who she is.

Anyway, I have mad spring fever and I absolutely cannot stay still long enough to make this coherant or thoughtful. I don't know whether to be annoyed, or just flounce about in springy hyperactivity.

I'm like a loon on loon pills. :P
G-money

Itza Quickie
Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 10:21 a.m.

• DeadAim is pretty cool.
• War is over. (if you want it)
• My tummy feels funny.
• The cookies will be made soon, I promise!
• Email me, I'm lonely.
• Someone give me ideas for my site, or at least ways I can drag in traffic.
• I'm feeling oddly productive, although I'm not really doing much.
• And finally, email me, I'm lonely.

Unpleasant Times Ahead
Tuesday, March 18, 2003 - 09:00 a.m.

What confusing, upsetting days these are. Well, hold onto your skirts, Nancy, because it's not getting any less scary in the coming days and weeks (and months).

It's not what we're doing so much as how we're going about it that bothers me. Do I want Hussein removed? You bet. He has a laundry list of human rights and weapons violations that makes some small-time terrorists look friendly by comparison. There's no need for me to reiterate all of the viscious acts he's commited, and those against his own people. In a world that is so all-encompassing, so hyper-aware and highly informed, countries half a world away are as good as your neighbor. Metaphoricly speaking, if you know your neighbor is raping the girl down the street, and building bombs in his basement, you don't stand outside his house yelling at him. You send in the police.

Well, the UN is supposed to be the police. Not the US, the UN. And for a good long while now, it's been a standoff, with officials attempting to have him come out with his hands up. The people of Iraq cannot rid themselves of their dictator alone, and while that's pessimistic I still firmly believe that. It would take a nation-wide, simultaneous uprising. That kind of coup does not happen - particularly in a nation where you have less than zero free communications. "Underground" is not a working concept, it's a death sentance, but I digress. This is where the UN comes in; at least, it's where the UN's cue to act is. The key word there being: act. As the world's police, we take it upon ourselves to secure the kind of freedoms we so readily take for granted for others. No one deserves to live in fear. If you think we're living in a state of nervousness, and apprehension of death, then try to picture for a moment being in a country where you actually can't make fun of your idiot president, then re-evaluate. A lot of Americans don't know what it is to truly fear for your life simply because of where you live. I personally hope to never know that fear. I don't believe the Iraqis should have to know it either.

Now, does this justify the United States' abandonment of the UN to carry out the duty of World Police? Not really, no. It's fairly safe to say that our administration is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. I'd like to say that we are courageous for being the first to say "the best way to stop terrorist acts is to prevent them." I have my doubts, assuredly, about the impact this will have upon our standing with other nations. While no permission is necessary for America to declare war, it's not wise to shrug off the concerns of others so readily. Again, as small as this world is, you don't want to alienate your neighbors. Our diplomacy is slipshod, our reasoning is full of holes, but we're going in anyway, and a couple of nations catch our drift.

In the most ideal situation, Hussein will take this 48 hours given to him and flee the country. At that point, the United Nations in conjunction with the United States can start repairing the damage done by him (and not by us). Will there still be factions that support the regime? You bet. It's more or less an inevitability. But it's a lot simpler to deal with that than it is to contend with the idea of bombing these undeserving people repeatedly to offset a fully active military. We may not even have to bomb. That's nïave and idealistic, but if we keep pressing in, and they keep surrendering, then that's not a war, that's a militaristic sweep leading up to an occupation. Occupation that I think even the peace-loving UN could agree is in the best interests of the Iraqis. Military presence to pull the rapists off the women, pull the children up from the dirt, feed the hungry, treat the sick, inform them that there are other ways to live than in total abject fear. The world as a whole could have done this.

The United states is doing the liberation and seizure themselves. Does the world really want that? Everyone agrees that something must be done, but no one wants to do anything. We've been sitting in his country, nosing around for years now. How easy would it have been to rally a military backing (like the US threats to Saddam of recently), and have the UN start moving in more and more control, until the government was simply taken out from under him. If any one of the UN personel met a bad end, you'd have a (relatively) united world against him, poised and looking for an excuse to beat the tar out of him. Instead, the United States is saying that 12 years is 12 too long to be saying nice doggie. You know what though, it is! Again, are our arguments flawed? Yes. Is our diplomacy shoddy? Yes. Are we wholly justified? No, no one is ever wholly justified in conducting war. But we're the big kid on the block, and if no one else will step in, we will, because it's what we do.

If my country insists upon doing this, then I will support my country and it's soldiers. I hope for minimal conflict, and in part I hope we find the undeclared weapons we claim to know about. (For the record, I think we will.) I can't agree with how we're conducting ourselves, and my apologies to the rest of the world for our uncouth and imperialist behavior. I will continue to speak against violence. I am not against stepping in, I am against senseless, unsupported bombing.

If you disagree with me, I'd love to hear why. This is just a babbling string of opinion from a dizzy 20 year old who decided to vent some of her apprehensions before breakfast. But I mean and believe what I say, even if the articulation is scattered and less-than-scholarly.

It's all over, for the Unknown Soldier ~Jim Morrison
G is for General

bored outta my brains
Monday, March 17, 2003 - 07:26 p.m.

You are a.. GEEK! You love fantasy, Everquest,
games, possibly have emo-ish tendencies, and
you know enough about computers to rival Bill
Gates. Ph33r your 3433t haxx0r skillZ!

The Subculture Label Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

So, I'd comment on this pending war situation, but I simply haven't anything important to say at the moment. And if you don't have anything smart to say, then shut the hell up. :D

Check out System of a Down's site for a realplayer version of the video for Boom. It's very good.

I want a Tonberry!!
Gigi

Blatent, bald-faced lies!
Monday, March 17, 2003 - 10:11 a.m.

You're not annoying at all! In fact, you are
probably a beloved Internet personality,
stalked by scores upon scores of half-crazy
teenagers who worship you!

Yay!

How Annoying Are You In Your Online Diary?
brought to you by Quizilla

avoidant

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

'cause I can't stand up and I can't fall down
Sunday, March 16, 2003 - 06:13 p.m.

Poll:

Should I simply tatoo "worthless loser" on my forehead? Discuss.

It's how I feel when my dad looks at me. As long as I'm jobless, I won't be able to shake that feeling for long, either. I've programmed myself to hate myself for not working. And I find that it's a lot easier to program than it is to de-program. Bad habits, and all that.

I still resent snow. Deeply. I need to move to the Sahara.

I still hate how every girl is prettier, smarter, and wittier than I am. (With the exception of the few that were born into my camp, of course.) It's hard for me to make friends with females, because I inevitably feel inferior for my underachievements, and my less-than-gorgeous method of carrying myself.

I recind my former statement about coffee. It's the devil, and it made me nauseous. BOO. (But I wouldn't turn you down if you offered to take me to get a cup of professionally brewed. :P)

For all my negativity, I am feeling a little better.

Believe me?
G-force

These Burgers.... Are Crazy
Friday, March 14, 2003 - 11:29 a.m.

Car insurance sucks. I think I'm going to end up going with Progressive. At $1600, it's the cheapest thus far. If anyone has any recommendations, lemme know. (Not that anyone talks to me about anything I write here unless they think I'm going to kill myself. *yell face*) I'm trying to insure my car so I can deliver pizzas. And I know what you're saying. "Uhmmm.... what?" Well, it's 15$ an hour, and that's not factoring in tips. That's a full dollar more than my last job, and I'd almost guarantee it's less stressful. I've got a good driving record, and with the right map book, I can find anything in 30 minutes or less in this area! It's a non-sequitor on my resume, but who gives a shit when it's 15$ an hour?

Coffee cures depression temporarily, I think. Speaking of which, I have a reheated burger and reheated coffee to go consume. 'scuse me.

I'd say I need a vacation, but I'm not even working, and where can I afford to go that doesn't have snow? I feel so sluggish and unhealthy. Probably because I am. And I'd go out and do more, but I do despise the cold so very much. Plus, I'm one of those people who won't exercise for the hell of it. Physical exertion should have a purpose. Gardening is good. Walking to someplace you want to get to is good. (Walking to clear your head is good too.) I walked eight or ten miles once, because my car was in the shop and I wanted to go home. And I'm fine with that. But to walk for the sake of walking? Or rather, for the sake of exercise alone? That is not much of a motivation for me. I don't want to deteriorate into part of the obesity figures, but I look outside, see snow, and just want to go right back to bed. All the winters before this were mild in comparison to this, so it wasn't nearly as dreadful. If this is a typical New England winter, though, I think I might have to move.

I've been trying to think of what I should be when I grow up. So far no good.

I want some new albums. I'm listening to my back catalogue, and dammit, it's good.

Constantly craving attention,
G is for Giraffe!

G waxes philosophical, wanes psychological
Wednesday, March 12, 2003 - 08:25 a.m.

"I'm a loser of the lowest order" is my mantra lately. Can't stand not working, but can't stand the idea of working a job that feels like a step in the wrong direction. I constantly paint these Catch22 situations for myself, it's almost comical.

I've done nothing but play video games and mope lately, which is by far the absolute worst thing I could be doing with myself. No one really feels inclined to stop me, though, and I'm okay with that. Seeing as in my current mindset, I'd probably just freak out and then not do anything anyway. I am such a raging dependant. Given what I percieve as the proper opportunity, I'll expect to live with someone holding my hand every step of the way. I live in fear, and it's not even because of the looming threat of war.

I'm dreadfully afraid of, well, seems like just about everything. Moreover, though, I seem to have some built-in anti-happiness mechanism. Anything which I perceive as lasting happiness, or an act that might actually make me happy, I tend to deny/thwart outright. Something in me mistrusts happiness, and I don't even know what things actually contributed to this peculiar instance of paranoia.

I realize this is the same crap I say every time, but I also realize it's because of these same fears and subsequent actions that I haven't changed, and that's why it's the same.

It's ridiculous to crave security in this world, and not just because the news takes sadistic glee in telling you homocide statistics, but because this rock we live on - so innocent in nature, so unassuming and presumably still - is in a constant state of flux. Everything in it. From the molten core to the end whisps of the atmosphere and everything in between. Security? You can have it to a degree, certainly. And that's probably all I really want, but I'm digressing from the issue at hand. Security, in it's purest meanings, is an utter farce. Everything is temporary. Everything is governed by the idea that time and life marches ever onwards, regardless of supposed barriers. If you're meant to die in a car accident, and you know it, and stay indoors all the time, but maybe the car will just come through your bathroom wall while you're in the shower one day. (Which is not to say that I believe in predestination, but rather it's a fairly classic hypothetical in which the chaos of the world can catch up to you regardless of your insistance upon order.) If you are born, you'll surely die, so what's the point in hiding from the time in between the two events? To prolong the inevitable until you want to die anyway? That doesn't seem productive.

Now, isn't it amazing that I can say things like that and act the way I do? I rather think so. I'm starting to wonder if I'm mildly schitzophrenic. I seem to be marvelous at dissociating myself from myself. Strange trend, that.

I know people have been wondering if I'm alright. Well, no, I'm not alright. While I'm sure that's not the answer anybody really wants to hear, it's the honest one. But it's my own fault. And, correct me if I'm wrong, I'm the only person who can make it better. The revelation, the determination is mine to find, to make, and to stick to alone. Seeing as nobody has really contacted me to say otherwise, I am going to assume I'm right. And will I stay online and grant people the convenience of AIMing me? Nope. And will people reach out to me unless they think I'm on the verge of doing something drastic? Unlikely. Which I know isn't fair to the people who do talk to me voluntarily, but I have a lot of relationship issues. I don't really know ~how~ to deal with lasting friendships, since I never really had any until recently.

And to think, when I originally sat down to write, I was going to try to pen a rap. Oh-ho, what a farce that would have been. (You know why my poetry is so short? Because I know I can't stay on topic, that's why.)

Take two cookies and call me in the morning (no, seriously),
G, who's totally phoning it in

It all returns to nothing
Friday, March 7, 2003 - 10:39 p.m.

How long has it been? Who cares? My disappearance is rather unremarkable. I've nothing much to say, I rarely approach others for conversation in any case, and when I do, it's generally because I want something. (Which I find to be a repulsive trait, personally, but I can't help doing it anyway.)

I have thoughts on the recent developments, but I don't care to express them. Lemme sum it up with some lyrics to a song that I think it probably fairly old, but I just heard this morning.

I love you honey,
you're so sweet,
But I can't stand them two left feet
You got no style
You got no beat
All you got is them two left feet

Also, it's official, I'm applying to fast food restaurants. And why not? My meager skills are so unmarketable, and I can't stand not having a job. Might as well apply for something I ~might~ be hired for. I'm such a disgrace. Twenty years old, and nothing to show for it, and no sign of light or end to this tunnel I've bored for myself.

So sleepy...
G-Love sans the Special Sauce

Miscarriages of Thought
Saturday, March 1, 2003 - 01:06 p.m.

I have such bold writing ideas for the site, but I rarely execute them. (The only known example of an opinion piece by me? My short essay on why Kaworu and Shinji were important to each other, over and above any assumptions of a "shounen-ai" relationship. Pretty sad, all things considered.

Major problem numero uno with trying to produce a piece is that I tend to want to finish a thought in one sitting. Not necessarily an entire essay or what have you, but at least one of the major points. I tend to be very obsessive when I finally get around to doing things (as some probably noticed), and I want to get it done while the picture in my mind is still at its sharpest. Now, I have the time for making these kinds of things, technically, but it doesn't feel right. If I'm busy forwarding my own projects and not throwing myself into finding a job, I feel as though I'm not doing enough, and either skulk about in denial, or wrack myself with guilt. And even though I know how ridiculously I behave, it's hard to simply switch it off, because it's engrained in my personality, and I feel I supress myself enough as it is. I may refuse to cry, but it doesn't mean I will also refuse to feel. Summary: I'm too busy feeling guilty about not working to produce anything of merit.

The second problem is I constantly second guess myself. I have an idea, and immediately set it aside as stupid, or something for later (I never get back to anything put in that pile), or I latch onto it, but opt out of stopping the flow of events to set them to text. It's not that I don't have ideals and beliefs, it's just that I elect not to express them unless prompted to. And it generally takes some serious prodding, or just a stroke of high emotion, to get me to expound upon any of my feelings at length. Like I said, I supress myself, constantly. Some of it by active choice because I feel it to be appropriate, some of it by paranoia. (My understanding is that paranoia is generally unhealthy when applied in this manner.) Summary: I need to find the off switch for my neuroses long enough to write something.

And though generally there are 3 points to any good argument, I don't have a third. (Which *insert irony here* is probably another reason why I should abstain from heavy writting - incomplete arguments.) I just woke up about a half hour ago, and I'm majorly hungry. And I need a shower. Thinking about seeing a movie, but I dunno. I finished Tactics the other day, that was fun.

I'm still going to be wildly unavailable for the most part. Unless of course, you mail me. *hint hint* I promise to mail you back. And if I don't, you have permission to shun me and hate me for the rest of your life because I'm a dirty promise breaker that should be hit by a bus. :P Just because I keep leaving my computer off so I can be psycho to just Rob and my family, doesn't mean I don't want to know how you're doing! Anyway, I'm off to find soap.

I wuv you!
G-money

Just felt like re-taking it
Thursday, February 27, 2003 - 06:47 p.m.

	*samurai* a master of the mystical katana noble; honorable; deadly
[Final Fantasy Tactics Job Class]

ick
Monday, February 24, 2003 - 10:07 p.m.

My tummy doesn't feel very good.

I'm taking a little hiatus from my deamon machine here. If you want to talk to me, I've got a phone, and I'm basically always home, because I'm a jobless nothing. If you need my number, mail me because I am going to pop on once daily (probably around noon) to check my mail. So, if you email me, ^_~* you'll actually be able to hear from me. Huzzah. (I think I'm going to try to get into the habit of posting when I go on my little random LOAs from my computer, so people don't think I've died or gone insane.)

I'm going to redouble my efforts to find a job. (Expect to hear of my working at Subway within the next two weeks, because I don't expect anyone else to hire me.) And I'm going to try being more physically active, because I feel like crap constantly now, and I would lay money down that my inactivity is the source of it. I'm also going to read more.

Aren't you so excited? :P I am so freaking dull. Honestly, I really don't know how anyone puts up with me sometimes. Anyway, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

G'night everybody!
G-ster

Like, totally half asleep.
Friday, February 21, 2003 - 08:56 p.m.

I revamped the "links" pages on randomkitty. I shoveled a crap load of the driveway, which was tiring. (Don't get me wrong. Sam did most of the ice breaking, but he's good at it!) I have calluses on my left hand. Boo. And even though we've cleared most of the driveway, it's supposed to rain and get cold again. I weep.

I wanna go out and play! I wanna have a picnic with my friends (nevermind that I don't really have any to go on a picnic with). I want to take a walk and enjoy the sun, instead of squinting against it as I scurry inside. I'm sick and tired of winter. It makes me sick and depressed.

I picked up an application for Subway. >.< Not ideal, but it'd be money, and at this point, I have no reason to balk. I'm still going to send out more resumes, because I'd rather have a better paying office gig.

And, uhmm.... I forgot what I was gonna say! :P oh well. As the title says, I'm mostly asleep.

Rawk and Rawl!
G

Where have my countrymen gone?
Friday, February 21, 2003 - 08:32 a.m.

There are certain things I'm tired of seeing and/or hearing about.

• The Bachelor, Bachelorette, Joe "fake-ass" Millionaire, et al.
• Saddam Hussein and how he's our "biggest threat ever!"

And you know, there's more, but I just can't freaking think about it all now. I'm just tired of being bombarded with gimmicks, and not informative opinions. I think I need to switch to Jim Lehrer and The Nation.

I know my activist tone comes a day late, a dollar short, and still does not promote me from Critic to Revolutionary. Even still, I feel inclined to start making a shift towards the informed. Just because I'm not effecting the tide (currently anyway), is no excuse for ignorance. If everybody thought "since I can't do anything, there's no reason to know", then we'd all be idiots. You know, as opposed to the way things are now, where it's just the people who will religiously set aside time to watch Are You Hot. (And, by the way, I did a quick flip through their current contenders. Most of them are white, and all the girls are bony. You can see each of their individual ribs! Go get a sandwich, girls. Jeebus.)

And I have to run, but now for your viewing pleasure, the lyrics to accompany the quoted song title used as ~my~ title. ^_^*

where have my countrymen gone?
all your patriots are just millionaires
and look what they've done
they just puncture you and destroy the heir

all your countrymen gone
they just picked up and left when the west was won
and where are they now?
well, a secret assassin has taken some

one good thing about the feeling
operate and keep me stale
will my warm heart ever fail?
will my warm heart ever fail?
i am bore from two sides
with an eagerness of the newly free
are you dead or alive
when your country's mottos don't tread on me
one good thing about the feeling
operate and keep me stale
will my warm heart ever fail?
will my warm heart ever fail?
will it fail? will it fail?

Peas,
G-money

I read the news today, oh boy
Wednesday, February 19, 2003 - 08:15 p.m.

The more I read the more certain I become that if we go to war, all hell will break loose. (Maybe literally. You never know how much of those mushroom-induced ancient rants to believe, ya know?)

It breaks my heart to see this. It makes me worry about my family, my friends, our future, my non-existant children's future, and their children's future - and that's the short version of my worries, I might add.

I fear that our government is trying to override their responsibility to the majority in order to conduct this absurd progaganda-driven war of heartless aggression. It's neither for our safty, nor the safty of the world, nor even for glory or god. It's a war of "because I said so." (I also strongly suspect that it has a lot to do with the fact that Bush's family has a big stake in, oh, gee, I dunno, OIL?!) It's a blind strike at an area we think our enemies might be in. Time to put a leash on this dog before it bites somebody. Somebody who might not be able to forgive and forget. And that would result in nothing short of travesty for thousands upon millions of people, American and otherwise. There's evidence it can happen.

We just don't have the military resources to support this action. As much of a "push-button" thing war has become, we'd still have to occupy the county to keep it from becoming a roiling cesspool of malcontent and death.

Let's face facts and say that no country would handle the sudden dissolution of it's governing body well. Could you imagine if all our non-local (and I'm talking town/county local) governmental heads were removed? It would be martial law or bust. There're too many lunatics, opportunistic revolutionaries, and mindless sheep to make anarchy like that anything less than a disaster.

Why do you think we put such negative connotations on the word "anarchy" in the first place? When you've got a group of more than 100 people living in close proximity to one another, you have to establish government, because individual people may be smart, but get them together and you'll have a mess on your hands. One guy will catch another guy looking at his wife a little too fondly and peaceful co-existance is all over. Bleak an outlook as that may be, I believe it to be realisitic.

Bush says he will not take the protesting seriously. This news enrages me deeply. People do not come together, in hundreds of thousands, from all walks, all over the world, if they don't have a DAMN good reason. Not take that seriously? I find it fucking awe inspiring to see such a turn out. If anything I'm ashamed I wasn't there to be a part of this last demonstration. What are they trying to accomplish? Are they trying to discourage dissent, or breed it like maggots in old hamburger? One would hope they aren't going for the former, because I believe they'll get the latter for their offhand, insulting attempts.

It's a shame to see such a dreadful conflict ruining our relations with the rest of the U.N. And it's unnerving to observe the ease with which Bush and Co. destroy even our most well-constructed alliances with individual countries. The more we push for aggression, the more we demand to get results ~now~, to disarm Saddam ~now~ with or without his cooperation, the more we look like that annoying woman you always see in the mall, yelling at some poor day clerk about how her whatzit wasn't just-so. Do we as a country really want to be represented as a whiny upper-class suburbanite woman? I'd rather not be, if that's alright with you. The rest of the world is becoming afraid of us. Possibly more afraid of the shit we're going to stir up among the Muslim religion as a whole with our pig-headed, blind, hateful, "Western", aggresion.

Woe, woe, and woe again. I hope against hope itself that this is only posturing and nothing more. Or we may not all live to our natural ends.

Paranoid!
G

"Disco Shrew can still boogaloo"
Tuesday, February 18, 2003 - 01:25 p.m.
I am Disco Stu!
Which Simpsons Character are YOU?

Call the Fashion Police, I'd like to report a serious crime!
Monday, February 17, 2003 - 12:20 p.m.

My mom's search for a fabric online, and her subsequent sending of thrift store links to me has inspired an unholy rage in me that can only be directed at one thing: clothes. I think I am the only person I know who never fails to get highly irked when shopping for clothing.

Lemme paint the picture. I'm only 5'3", for starters. I measure 41-31-41. Even if I lost weight. The 41's wouldn't change much. Fitted shirts are out. Comfortable pants that aren't classified as "sweatpants" are hard to come by. Designers, distributors, hear me now - I AM NOT *PLUS* SIZED!!!!! >.<

To continue in this thread: Why aren't there any clothes in my size on the racks? Well, for starters, I'm disproportionate. I'm not being self-depricating, I'm being realistic. No one is truely proportionate in the purest sense. However, there are people who exemplify the human form. I am not one of them, unless you're going Reuben-esque, and even then my breasts are too big. (I don't want to hear it, they aren't that great, so go away. Neener.) They don't really make that much in the way of attractive clothes for folks in my size range. The second reason, the less obvious but more truthful reason, is that there are a lot of people who are my size. So the reason you can't find it, is because 12 girls came before you and cleaned out that section of the rack. Which leaves what you usually see, size 0-7, and 16-18+.

Take a good look at your fellow girls. No, not the flashy 16 year olds that look like someone cut them out of a magazine just to annoy you. I mean, really look. Go to the mall, park it at the food court, or one of the myriad benches, and people-watch for a while. You'll see I'm right. At least partially. I know that girls are learning to starve themselves out of believable bodies earlier and earlier, but they aren't the ones to study anyhow.

Now, being one of a nation of critics, rather than reformists, I don't particularly have any plans to do anything about this. I can't sew for the life of me. I don't draw well enough to really design, either. Besides which, I can't go that extra step and place ~that~ much importance on clothing. It's just not my gig.

So whatever. I'll wear my sweatpants, and my shapeless shirts, and the bras that don't really fit (and look hideous, I might add), and I will at least attempt to be satisfied. And I'll try to be diligent about stretching like I used to be, so I can get some muscle definition back. That would be ideal for trying to fit and look better in the clothes I have.

Ever Your Proprietor of First-Rate Girlie Whining,
~G-dawg

10 Fun Tips for Sleeping in the Crack Between the Bed and the Wall
Sunday, February 16, 2003 - 12:41 p.m.

The title is fairly self explaintory, however, you might be asking yourself "but why do that?" Well, ordinarily I'd say if you have to ask, you'll never know, but in this case I'm making an exception. However, since it's almost 1 in the afternoon, and I haven't eaten, this will have to be edited to a finished product later.

Right, so it's about 10pm, and I think I finally got that food thing taken care of. Without further ado, the list!!

1. If you don't have to sleep in the crack, then kudos to you. Try to make sure it stays that way at all costs! (If you're too giving, like I am, then read on, MacDuff, read on.)
2. Make sure you can keep yourself on the edge and comfortably prop yourself against the wall. (If you can't do that, then you aren't really sleeping 'in the crack', you're on the precipice of either getting stuck, or falling on the floor. Doofus.)Should you run across the situation of the wall not being close enough to lean against, you're better off on the floor.
3. Make sure you have plenty of blanket(s). You'll want that between you and the wall, and if whoever you're sharing bed space with manages to steal that buffer, you're either going to be very cold, or rubbing up against the wall. In the case of wood paneling, this could be deadly. :P
4. Referencing back to #2, if you can't quite keep your body on the edge, then put your lower half of your legs and your arms in the space, and keep your hips and shoulders on the bed. You'll be sorry if you lean on that edge.
5. Roll over as often as rest and good sense allows. If you wake up often, and you probably will, roll over if you can.
6. Take advantage of weekends and/or days off! Let them get up first, then roll over and luxuriate in the entirety of your glorious, wonderful mattress!
7. While this should be a given: sleep on your side. Sleeping on your back leaves you with an arm to throw over your head, and half your butt hanging out over nothing! Not cool.
8. Sneak back onto the bed as much as you can. It's hard to curl up the way you want to when you're forced to share a postage stamp sized bed, but sometimes you get lucky and you wind up in that rare configuration where you're both comfortable.
9. For god's sake, learn to snuggle and fall asleep, too. Find that spot to put your head that doesn't make their arm fall asleep. It'll make your lives so much more enjoyable. (Although mornings could be a challenge! :P)
10. And finally, another "avoid the situation in the first place" tactic. If you have room for a bigger bed, then get it! Stop buying coffee for a month and just do it! Trust me. It's worth it.

That's about it. I doubt you'll need this kind of advice, but it's a decent writing exercize for me, so back off, Jack.

Three Cheers for Real Sleep!!!
G

Well well well
Saturday, February 15, 2003 - 01:32 p.m.

She finally gets something done.

The website is finally up. Not that it matters.

I need to get off my ass and get a job. Like as of yesterday.

My United States of...
whatever

I.N.V.U. - repost
Thursday, February 13, 2003 - 11:45 a.m.

Hate winter. Hate it. My hands hurt so bad from the cold.

I'm tired of feeling like a waste of space. I'm tired of thinking about population figures and mentally wanting to subtract one. I want to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good girlfriend. I doubt very strongly that I can accomplish more than one of these.

Basically, and I think my bl0g will serve as ironic evidence, I'm too selfish. It's always about me. My problems, my interests, my wants. Even when I'm attempting to surpress them, my desires take center stage before anything else in my personality, and it makes me sick. But it's hard to help it, because that's the nature of my personality. Guess I make me sick.

I'm a terrible friend. Too crass to be witty, too awkward to be pretty, too careless to be stylish, too slow to be funny, too ignorant to be well informed, too reserved to speak my opinion, too dense to make a good suggestion, too wishy-washy to make a decision, too stupid to keep in touch, too much of a coward to just make changes. I hate myself too much to invest in others. Others should not invest their time in me. This kind of hate just doesn't go away. It's an infection. It crawls around underneath the skin, hides in remote parts even when you think you've got it whipped. It's hope's evil twin, and I am it's host. My hope doesn't really fight against my hate, either. It cries and says "Why did you do that to me?" I wish I had an answer. Above all my worldly flaws, still lies the overwhelming problem of my selfishness. It's like in order to participate, I have to be entertained. If your life doesn't facinate me, then forget it. What the hell kind of friend is that? Said it before, say it again, I'm a terrible person.

If my friends knew what was good for them, they'd leave me to just deal with it all by myself, since I seem so self-concerned. There's no way for me to not be a total brat, so why even deal with me?

No, it'd be better if most everyone just went about their lives sans G. I could work on being less of a bad girlfriend, and less of a bad daughter that way, at least. Since those are the people that have absolutely commited themselves to my sorry ass for some reason.

The sad thing might be that this isn't even cathartic. I don't feel anything except maybe a hollow pain right now.

I had a dream last night, that I was held captive in a village that depended on a whale that came into their bay, and turned their well water red. The whale turned on them one day, and they called upon me to kill it, suddenly my allies and not my enemies. Upon driving in a huge spear, finishing the beast off, it was discovered that it was going to be, or going to try to be a mother, and in its changed state was behaving against the normal. To them, I was still a hero. But I just felt empty and sad for what I'd really done. It could have just been let out. And I killed it.

I think the moral of the story is that I'm crazy and reprehensible, and should be left alone.