Again??
Monday, May 20, 2002 - 04:23 p.m.

yes, one more birfday to postpone my little freakout sessions. ^_^* Hopefully I won't pig out on cake tonight like I did last night. :P

Happy Birthday Mommy!

Yaaaaaay!! We went to the store, and stuff, and got crab legs, and coconut cream pie, and mmmm...

A very merry unbirthday to you!
~Ji-sama

Dum-da-daaaa!
Sunday, May 19, 2002 - 08:41 a.m.

We now take a break from your regularly scheduled angst-fest (and aren't I too old for that, really?) to announce that the following twenty four hours are hereby known as...

Sam's Birthday!!

Wish him a happy one! He's lucky 13 today. Those of you that know his screen name can bug him from there. ^_~* Those of you that don't, can mail him!

Ciao bella,
~Ji-sama

What does it all mean?!
Saturday, May 18, 2002 - 07:29 p.m.

Didn't feel like I accomplished a whole lot, but did in actuality get one or two little things done. It's been a lazy, weird day.

First, I woke up at 10:30 (instead of 8:30, thank god) to a phone call. Since I had no idea what time it was, and I'm so so sick of answering the phone first thing when I wake up, I jerked the phone off the wall after the first ring. It was dad, whom I expected to hear from. But that was under the condition that mom went with him, because at that point, I would have needed to get up to keep an eye on my brothers. She hadn't gone, so my waking up then was needless, aside from the fact that it's good to wake up before noon.

I wandered around a smidgen, and vegetated at the computer for.. well, probably a lot longer than I should have. I emerged, ate corn dogs for lack of anything better, and went back to my room. Once back in, though, I actually buckled down and got to cleaning. My desk looks much nicer, and I am without a lot of unnecessary old paperwork.

At some point today, I drew a new picture of Leroy. That may usurp the current at the website, if I ever get it scanned in. This Leroy is a lot toothier.

I got a call from boyfriend, which was happy. ^_^* Until we got randomly cut off, and he didn't call right back, which was unhappy. =/ But better he wait for a real phone than rack up a huge cell phone bill. Ne? Da.

I took an old frame that was originally for a magic trick kit, and cut a picture of him out, and it's now a nice little picture on my clean new desk. I like it. ^_^*

I actually talked to Wheeler briefly last night, and let him know that I have another CD mix brewing in me brain. More details on that as I, ah, think of them. yeah.

But that's all for now. Ciao ciao.
~Ji-sama

kcuf
Friday, May 17, 2002 - 11:12 p.m.

Am I the only one bound to their room on a Friday?
Quite probably.
Worked a bit on the new bl0g images, all I've got to do is wait a little, perfect the layout idea, and then get permission for the art. (Yes, permission. I can be a good girl sometimes.)
Got a call from my precious bunny, with one more to come. I'm so sleepy, though, so it'll be short-lived. That's okay though, at least I get to hear from him.
I've recovered a bit from my earlier bitchitude. Not completely, but it's still an improvement from earlier.
Lilacs smell pretty.
Someone teach me how to draw?

That is all,
~ji-sama

Friday, May 17, 2002 - 09:01 p.m.

momentary lapse of reason
Friday, May 17, 2002 - 03:02 p.m.

I can't afford to buy Sam a present, I can't afford to help my family out, I'm so not getting that job, and I'm going straight to hell.

First two things: Sam's birthday is on Sunday. I am broke. We just got a massive bill. I am broke.

I have been nothing but Miss Complications. Would they really want to hire me, when they have an ad in the paper, and at least one more - probably more qualified - applicant? Unlikely.

And I am going straight to hell, because I breached my moral code in one of the most reprehensible manners possible: I bought cigarettes for my mother. Which, some of you would say I'm over-reacting. I probably am. But the fact that I simply ~caved~ on a matter which I have been previously highly vocal about, is just sickening. Not only that, but I'm feeding what can only be described as an unheathly addiction. Way to go me. (To the kid who pipe bombed those mailboxes: when we get to hell, you are sitting on the opposite side of the room from me, you hear me?! I'll dismember your retarded little college-flunkie ass.)

Mental? Me? Never!
~Ji-sama

Big Green Monkey, Everyone's a Junkie
Friday, May 17, 2002 - 09:14 a.m.

I think the sun has finally set on my Evangelion obssession. I put the finishing touches on the Kaworu-kun and Shinji essay. You can Pop-and-load, or, you can go the legitamate way, through my website. And if you don't know how to get to the website, how about trying that big-ass image in the upper left corner. ^_~*

In other site news, I finally put up a real guestbook. No more of this using boards as a guestbook thing, because nobody wants to go that route. Well... fine then. :P I'd rather have feedback than be sutbborn in trying to drag people to my boards.

In me-news, I woke up to the sound of the phone again at 8:30. Le sigh. It was dad, he bumped his phone, and it auto-dialed the house. Oops. At least I was sort of wakeful at that point. Not really sleeping, just keeping my eyes shut so I could still fitfully dream. (About wings, and no wings, and gods, and grocery store parking lots, and knocking some tacky blonde girl's head into a car because she shoved me.)

I'm also assured that I need to start combing the papers for want ads again. I've been forced by fate and inconvenience to not appear in Joisey until the last week of the month. This has jeopardized my position. Which I expected it to. However, I've had further confirmation that there's another person in the running. Not surprising, giving my string of complications. Fucking wonderful. Bye apartment, bye independance, bye-bye saving for college. I guess I'm resigning myself to what is only a possibility, and that's not good, but I'm prone to that. (It doesn't matter, you say? You can't lose hope, you say? I say, I know that. I say, keep the pained optimisim to yourself, I'll do things my way.) So yeah, I'm going to be on the prowl for back up options. God, this not having a job thing is insane. Shoot-me-now kind of insane. Pray it's over soon? I know I am.

For those of you who've been wondering why I keep appearing and disappearing from AIM at random: Well, see, here's the thing, I'm a mental case. And if you've known me for any amount of time, you know that already, so you're probably asking yourself "And this instance deserves special mention because....?" Well, I've gone especially mental over my level of computer-related activity. Especially my propensity to just sit down, start talking to people (or "chatting" if you're one of those sticklers for terminology) and then just really not get back up for a while. It's not that I don't tend to operate like that with everything I enjoy, it's just that this happens to be one of my more unstable outlets for that obsessive brand of joy. Which is reason #4,896 I get a frigging job. Which doesn't answer whether or not I ~am~ back, or ~will~ be back, it just explains my recent behavior, and part of my problem. I don't think I'm back. I don't know if I even want to be "back". I'm sorry to say that, because I know that probably will bum a few people out (to say the least), hell, it bums me out. But I need to work on getting an equillibrium, one that won't cause problems in myself, or in my relationships (to family, and boyfriend). When I do that, then I'll consider myself "back". For right now, it's just partly cloudy with a chance of scattered G. So catch me when and how you can, and try not to be offended if I disappear. (All three of you that read this, pass the message to inquiries, please?)

So that's that, then. I guess. At least for now. By the way, anyone have any thoughts of whether or not I should just stick with this bl0g layout for a while or not? I think I'll keep it until the end of the month, and then change it up a bit. Or keep it until I have to leave home, and change it before I go. This is definately near the top of the list for favorite layouts. The FF2/4j being number one.

No matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter what, I'm always...
~Ji-sama, right there behind you

As you can see...
Thursday, May 16, 2002 - 08:51 a.m.

It's ass early on Thursday. It's all Sam's fault. I was in the middle of this nightmare where I had to go through these puzzle levels, to get these tattoo designs, and they kept getting more reallistic, and more dangerous. I was on level three, and I had to eat food before some barbarian could assault me. I shoved him into a bathtub, where he apparently died or something after I consumed a bit of everything from the various plates around the room. The last level had been thousands of skeletons, and I had to grab little orbs. Suck on that one, Freud.

You're probably wondering "but, the thing with Sam?" or maybe you're not, hell if I know. But anyway, so in the middle of this hellacious dream, Sam calls. The phone rings once, twice, and on the third time I picked up, because I figured no one else would, and I was already awake enough to manage that anyway. He needed me to go see what number his Social Studies book was. I could have killed him right through the phone. Not only did he jerk me directly from nightmare city, but it was eight-frigging-thirty!

Which is a problem due to the fact that I was up until at least quarter till midnight, talking with my parents. Which wasn't what I intended to do, but wound up doing. (So try not to be sad, bunny.) It was a good, rambling, philosophical conversation. It was prompted by Dateline, or somesuch, at which point I voiced my displeasure at use of various methods of artificial conception. And the other side of the coin, abortion, came up. Now, since we're all rational people, this isn't a topic over which ire is raised. My basic stance is simply, yes, it would be better if neither one happened, but is it ever medically necessary to have a baby? (i.e. via artificial conception, not, is it ever necessary to ~keep~ a baby) Still, what it all comes down to is you can't debate the topic too heavily, because if you have any brains at all, you realize every situation is different, and there is no black and white on things like that, only varying shades of grey. That I think was the main conversation, and there were several offshoots from there, including one comment about my car which brought up an historical anecdote about General Rommel. My car is like a tank, he commanded Panzers, I can't run without gas, and he had to try to run tanks without gas, because Hitler cut off his supplies due to the fact that Rommel was not a Nazi. (He was just a general for the German army, and there is a difference between German and Nazi, for those that don't know.) Ah, the stupidity of mentally unbalanced *understatement* world leaders never ceases to amaze.

And that was my night, and this, well, this is my morning. What I'm going to do with it, well, I don't rightly know. I think breffust is in order as soon as I quit typing here. And after that, well, it's anybody's guess. Can you believe it's already Thursday? Yeah, me neither.

Who saw Star Wars already?
~Ji-sama

Look Frank... it's a ~toaster~!!
Monday, May 13, 2002 - 01:03 p.m.

I live at the end of a five and a half minute hallway
Saturday, May 11, 2002 - 07:50 p.m.

I have a confession to make. I hit a bird yesterday morning. A bird chased another bird, and they darted in front of my car, and the foremost one got clipped. I don't know if he was stunned, or really hit. I... didn't stop. I was hurrying home to get something to Eddie before he left for school. I keep thinking about it. I feel awful every time I do. It's not my fault, really, it was a pure accident, there was no way I could have slowed down enough not to hit it in the time I was given. Not without significant danger. What gets me is that I didn't stop. Didn't even really slow down all that much. It's a little ball of hurt inside of me, though.

There are things to counter it. A sense of productivity, calls from friends (Hi Dan, hi Justin!), the lingering hope that things will turn out for the best.

Here's to life rolling onward. Here's to things that go right. Here's to knowing when to quit. Now seems to be a good time to put this to a stop. Yeah buddy.
~Ji-sama

???
Friday, May 10, 2002 - 12:28 p.m.

There is one lonely paperwhite
Poised beneath my window
It took all spring to get here
I wonder if it appreciates the birdsong
And sunshine
I wonder if it cares
That it is the only one of it's kind
That it's kith have long since flowered
And it's kin not at all
It's hidden
Starkly gorgeous of it's own accord
Bowing it's head to shyly disguise it's face
But no matter which way it faces
It is beautiful and singular in it's beauty
How lonesome
How isolated it would be
To be a blossom among buds
Yet how inspiring it would be
To know that given the right circumstances
And sunshine
That your under-developed contemporaries
Could be blossoms in their own right.

Inspired by a real flower. It's so dainty and shining. The reason none of our other narcissus/daffodils bloomed this year (although a few look like they're on the verge) is because we didn't tend to that area too dedicatedly last year, and the bulbs weren't buried deeply enough. (We don't generally dig up our bulbs every fall like you're supposed to. Bad us.)

Minor update on me:
I went back to bed until 11 or so. Had strange dreams involving a few of the Bishoujo Senshi, and people I know at Drew (in the most vauge sense), and half-set in a video game platform. Jinkies. Now I've got to go eat and get back to playing "See how decluttered we can get the house before home comes back". It's good stuff, you should try it sometime. :þ

Peas,
~Ji-sama

The Sun is a Mass of Incandescant Gas
Friday, May 10, 2002 - 07:35 a.m.

I wish I could draw. I've always admired someone who can take their inner vision and express it physically for everyone else to take part in. I just can't quite put to paper what I can see inside my mind. I can even see how to draw it, too, but it never comes out quite right.

But that was random. And now for something completely different. I am so tired. Just plain worn out. Stay up late, wake up early, do a lot in between. I think the reason I'm alright so far today is because I was rather inactive yesterday (all things considered). Which doesn't mean that I'm not pondering a substantial nap as we speak.

A few quick notes before I'm too duh with sleepiness to remember anything:
the ceiling in our kitchen is disgusting
luv ya Dan-kun
I don't wanna argue about anything anymore
are we there yet?

And now it's naptime, or work time, or sometime. I'm out.
~Ji-sama

What the hell kind of name is Racoon City?
Wednesday, May 8, 2002 - 08:16 p.m.

It occured to me the other day what the use of the virus the Umbrella corporation made was. See, it's biological warefare, and that's scary. Sure, that's one perk, you say, but what good does it do if when you go to occupy the conquered region, you get eaten by zombies? Well, see, that's why they developed an antidote. You can slip it into an area, seal it off while everyone's busy becoming a zombie, either wait for the virus to devour the populous on its own, bomb them, or douse the area in antidote (kill the virus, stop the zombie). Any survivors will just be happy to be alive. With the exception of the containment and cleanup issues, that's a pretty fierce weapon.

So anyway, tried the instant Udon tonight. It's pretty good. I threw some summer squash, and a few fiddleheads (baby ferns) into it, so it looked cool. And had a slice of pizza. And then tried two different flavors of Ben and Jerry's. (Read: tried, not "ate the whole thing") I think I earned it.

Why did I earn it? Well, I cleaned off the stovetop, did laundry, dishes, started clearing the kitchen counters (an intimidating task), went to the grocery store (with my brothers, no less), got scratched by the rabbit, made dinner, dusted stuff, and only napped for about five minutes! I realize there are people who make things like this a daily habit, but I'm new at it. Besides, I like to be patted on the head sometimes, even if it is by myself. :P

I plan on doing more tomorrow. I sort of slept too late to make breakfast this morning, so I guess that's for tomorrow. *sheep* I didn't mean to! Oh well. Like I said, for tomorrow. I need to water the plants outside tomorrow (oh, and two more points for me, I remembered to water the plants, and I dumped the rabbit's poo tray), and more cleaning.

Continuation: Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 09:18 a.m.

Pardon my interruption. My boyfriend called me whilst I was in the middle of my ramble. That takes precedence. Especially when it's actually a good conversation for once. (I say "for once" only on the basis that we've both been living with a lot of mental strain, so it's been distracted, and had scattered unpleasantness up until now.)

I think it's going to rain, so maybe I won't have to water. Which is fine by me. We need the rain. Plus, in the time that I would be doing that, I can nap. XD

Yesterday, I listened (finally!) to the records I bought. God those are good. I need to look up lyrics from a few of them. I'll prolly throw them up on my boards to share, rather than here. (Lyrics take up a lot of space, and all.) I was especially impressed with After the Gold Rush, and Trilogy (Neil Young and ELP, respectively). Like I said, I plan to share lyrics to illuminate the situation. ^_^* And I will, too!

The rose I got on my birthday is just about dead. Soon it'll join the three dead yellow roses from when I stood up at Gabrielle's wedding, and what remains of my Secretaries' Day arrangement in the brass vase I took from the trailer. What an odd assortment of memories. A nice collage of my history. This rose will be a nice addition. It definately stands out from the rest. A ruddy, blackish velvet among stained parchment, dusty olive, easter purple, and enameled brass.

Since I can't for the life of me think of anything else worthy of commiting to lasting text at the moment, I guess I'll go, do, uhm, something. Yes, that's it, something!

boogie oogie oogie (pop phantom),
~Ji-sama

the birds at our feeder are sloppy
Monday, May 6, 2002 - 12:21 p.m.

I just got home from having my car "inspected". I walked. It needs fuel lines, a break line, and the exhaust serviced. Rather than do the smart thing, and call my dad for a ride, or even the smart thing and call him from the library, I opted to walk all the way home. Oh well, maybe with the experience under my belt, I can appreciate the journey in LotR better. :P

I suppose I should relate the larger news, or none of the entries to follow will make sense. My uncle died the other night (Saturday), my aunt, my cousins, his family, are all a mess, naturally. My mother left yesterday (Sunday), to go help. This is in Chicago. I don't know how long she'll be gone. As selfish as it sounds, I hope not too long. It didn't really effect myself and my brothers that heavily. He was family, we all cared, but we didn't know him that well. It's hard to be moved for someone you can't say for certain that you knew.

And now, I'm going to go vegetate and watch tv. Then, I have phone calls to make.

Jaa!
~Ji-sama

Who's got the crack?
Saturday, May 4, 2002 - 10:26 p.m.

I thought that last entry was as good as any to close on. As vaugely stated not too long ago, I'm keeping this layout for a least one more page worth. I'm still bummed that I can't fix the image links on the older archives, but c'est la vie. I guess I went a bit psycho. Guess that's an understatement. I still feel a bit psycho, but I think I'm going to try to manage it in a more adult manner. A more mature, introspective, articulate manner. Yeah, that.

I guess in all that fit-throwing and misery, what I was really getting at was: "I'm confused, I'm nervous, I'm a little bit scared, I miss my friends, speak to me, and tell me I'm not as alone as I suspect I am." Add a heaping tablespoon of displeasure with my... well, everything and anything, stir, and serve chilled. It's just this propensity I have for making everything a big damn deal. I really need to get a grip soon, before I just plain lose it.

My latest attempts to self-destruct
• Not eating until I'm swaying and faint and miserable
• Sleeping too much or not enough
• Tearing to shreds all my accomplishments
• Continually lowering my expectations, hopes, etc. for any chance at human interaction outside my own home
• Going on long, self-hateful rants to myself, my boyfriend (who must be utterly sick of my shit by now)
• Teetering on the brink of deleting AIM, which has been an issue with me for far too long now

So that's that. I've lost a few more wingnuts, gained a few more bats in my belfrey. Happy birthday.

And one more tangent I feel like commiting to some form of permenance, so maybe it will leave me alone. I miss the beach. I miss the woods. I miss my old haunts. I miss having a neighborhood, however slipshod, or full of old people it may have been. Real towns have sidewalks. I do not live in a real town. I live on a sidestreet to the strip of highway that connects Exeter and Portsmouth. I want to be able to step out my door, and be part of, something. Not a random assortment of houses, with a narrow road on which I can get hit by cars that drive too fast. Even real suburbs have sidewalks. This place just doesn't qualify. I guess it makes it feel less like home, and more like a place to hide. City, country, it doesn't make much difference, as long as it has substance. Something which seems lacking here. But maybe that's just an excuse. Eh, whatever. I'll move on now.

Getting back to real, honest, palpable issues is probably not a bad idea. This job thing. I'm worried. Terrified, really. I was so unwise when I quit my job. I should have been hording my pennies. I don't have enough on me to really afford moving. I mean, insurance, deposit and rent on an apartment. I can only hide out in my boyfriend's dorm so long. Not at all, if you follow the ideals set up by my parents. I don't know what to do. I wish this could be a decision made without crying. But I'm doing it again, after all. And then I busy myself with winamp. Anything to take my mind off this long enough not to cry. I've never been a big fan of crying. It's doubtful I ever will be. But getting back on subject again: I'm lost. Will someone just tell me what to do? I'm in the mood to believe. It's a pretty sick habit, following orders. So much for not being military material. Maybe I should have followed that suggestion in the first place. Yes sir, no sir, whatever you say sir. I'm such a spineless freak.

Does anybody even care anymore? Am I shouting out to an empty box? I guess the act of even asking such a question defies my idealistic statement "I write for myself." What a crock. I write to be heard. And I guess on some levels, to be judged. Although I'd rather be understood, than judged. I just feel like judging is indicative of a trial, a test, like it's not personal at all, after all. Like I'm on trial. Like I'll be guilty. Maybe I can plead insanity. I confuse myself so much. I bet I confuse, confound, and ultimately scare away anyone who tries to understand me. It's easier to pass judgement, to write something off as absurd rather than understand. Maybe I don't even want to be understood. Maybe I just want someone to pat me on the head and say "that's good" so I'll feel better about myself. That's disgusting.

Putting things back on a more physical plane again, my lostness is being contributed to by a non-working car. Several important lines on the underbelly of the beast have decided to rupture. As if life weren't difficult enough. I swear to god, it's like fate is dealing me the most raw, deep papercut possible, and then throwing a little lemon juice on it just for kicks. I've mused it before, and I'll muse it again, fate is one sardonic bitch. Although I know I always rise above, it's not before I take some kind of hideous plunge first. Poptart, what's our mission? (Thank you, Sunny, by the way, for that album. Not that you'll read this, but thank you anyway. It's beautiful.)

What am I going to do? What what what what what what? I want to be independant. I want to be working again. I want to contribute to something. I want to stop crying about all this. I want to be sure of something. God damn me for it, I want friends; though why I'd want such a hurtful thing, I don't know. I know what I want. I guess the question is, do I have the guts to go for it. My first thought is no. My second thought is maybe. My third is maybe, but probably not. I'm tired of being an irresponsible little girl. I'm so tired of not knowing what to say or do. I'm so tired of being so tired. My heart hurts, and I don't think it's because I eat fried food. If I choose the path before me, there are so many ways it could go wrong. I don't want to stay home forever. It's starting to look like I will. I'm so unworthy of the affections given to me. Look at how I repay it. Doubt, self-hate, fear, and the seeming willingness to give right into that fear. When did I get so used to being helpless? I remember at one point when I almost, almost had a spine. I almost thought for myself. I doubt I'll ever move far enough beyond my own shell to really accomplish anything.

And goddamn me, this was supposed to be a change for the positive! I think that the shift downward is a testament to my frazzled nerves. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to end up quite like this. But maybe someone will understand a little better because of it. Maybe ~I'll~ understand a little better. I should re-read this in the morning. Maybe it'll make a little more sense then. Doubtful, but who knows?

Gomen nasai, oyasumi,
~Ji-sama