Fingers and their wants
Saturday, October 20, 2001 - 09:16 a.m.

Listening to Placebo, pretending to work, surprisingly awake, considering I was up until 3am, with a will to type something. Not necessarily write anything of any value, just to type. My fingers are asking to do so. My mind is echoing the request. Just an urge that I've no difficulty obeying. I find I obey a lot of my urges. Good, bad, or indifferent.

In accordance with the philosophy of a soul I once crafted in story, good, bad, it's all a perception. It's all the idea that everything has to have an opposite. We are born, we die, and in the interim, we make decisions. Some of us are better at this than others. I seem to be rather on the low end of the scale. Indecisiveness. It's a plauge. It happens to be one I'm infected with. I do battle with it constantly. I do try to be certain. I do try to say what I mean. And state what I desire. I need to shake the misconception buried in my subconscious that I need to comform my wants to others. Without in fact going to the opposite end of the spectrum in that arena, and disregarding all other opinions and feelings. That's not something I want to do. Other people matter to me. And their feelings, wants, and desires. Granted, I fish for attention, compliments, and the like, but there are few people who don't, as I see it. I think about myself a lot, but I am sort of an expert on me, and when you're an expert on something, you tend to focus on it. Besides, you can't really improve if you don't step inside, and step aside, and... stuff.

I ate a muffin earlier. I got a Dr. Pepper a little while later. I'm still nursing that, and I busted out a little bag of Doritos, Cooler Ranch, to be specific. You know, back when these first came out, this flavor, anyway, they put more actual flavor on them than they do now. What a bummer. And before I actually broke into the doritos, I burped ('cause'a the pop) and it tasted like banana and Dr. Pepper. It was messed up.

Last weekend was so magick. (No, I am not going to take the k off, and no, I am not going to write fluidly. So you can just kiss my words, 'cause you're surely not getting close enough to kiss my arse.)

I want to write a song that makes people say "wow". I don't care what kind of people, or even how many. If two people say "wow" because a song I write, then I will be able to die having done something I wanted to do. There are a lot of things I want to do, so, you see, it's going to take me a long time to die. I am sure there are those who are most relieved to hear that.

I stayed up until 3am on the phone with Bunny. I really hope he was right about the weekend free long distance. :þ That was so much fun. And so worth it, so when you read this, dear, because I know you will: no regrets, and don't worry at all. ^_~* We both learned that we are massive fetishists, and we both adore the same films, and cartoons, and that we desperately want to live together. Clearly it's insanely soon in the relationship to say such a thing, but the more I get to know him, the more I love him. I think that being with him would be a joy, and a worthwhile challenge, and fun, and a comfort. His love is so deep, artful, and intense. If I didn't know better, I'd feel sort of bad for the simplicity of the way I love him. I love him because I just do. I want to be with him, because I just do. He makes me want to be. To breathe. To live. To love. To sigh. To yawn in sleepy contentment. To gasp and shiver in desire. He makes me want to do everything. He injects life with its livliness. He paints that much more color to the world, because what I see I want to encapsulate and draw in so I can give its entire lovliness to him.

Ever notice how this always winds up being about Rob? I really like that. I like having him to adore. And you know, I hope Sunny finds someone as wonderful as what I've found. In our time, we were excellent together. Looking back on things, hindsight being 20/20 as it always is, I guess it was a venture with some fatal flaws. In its time it was passionate and dynamic, though. Of course, he's a passionate, dynamic guy. If a little immature. And that's understandable. I always held him up to very high standards, probably too high. But he's talented, funny, clever, handsome, a good listener, and he has good taste in music. So he definately deserves someone wonderful. As full of razorblades as it sounds, I'm glad he's not with me anymore. I am ~so~ happy with Rob, and I know that Sunny is way better off without the burden of our former relationship. And now, lyrics.

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these mem'ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more.

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more.
In my life I love you more.
Writers: Lennon, McCartney

Dizzy?
Ji-sama

Gah.
Wednesday, October 17, 2001 - 03:01 p.m.
Looking at info for colleges makes me want to cry.

Boo hoo,
Ji-sama

Everything New is Old Again
Wednesday, October 17, 2001 - 12:48 p.m.

And contrarywise.

I've never considered myself responsible. Not even when I do something right. I nearly always assume I've left out something, not done something quite up to par with the standards I know I should be maintaining. Not necessarily anybody else's standards, either, but my own.

Partially explanitory tangent:

Tangent Numero Dos:

Where was I again?

"You will turn green..."

"Thanks mister, you broke all my fuckin' cookies."

Sleepy-tired,
Ji-sama (1:35pm)

Whew
Tuesday, October 16, 2001 - 08:26 p.m.

So much to write. Too much to flow out now. Although the urge to sit here and pour it all out right now is strong, I'm going to do the smart thing, and shower and go sleep. Despite the fact that I'd much rather stay up writing here until Rob comes home. Of course, much to my dismay, "home" for him does not mean home to me. -_-... I wish it did.

I love him so much. This was the weekend straight from heaven. I don't know what I did to deserve such a blessing, I really don't. Whatever it was, though, I must try to repeat it very soon. He's so wonderous. He rocks my world. ^_^* ,V.. He makes me happy. and I make him happy. and I love making him happy, because he deserves to be happy. We make one another happy. It's a cyclic thing, a symbiotic partnering of insecurities, oddities, flaws, talents, idiosyncrasies, histories, learned behaviors, instinctual behaviors, tastes, flavors, beliefs, and everything we're comprised of, all wrapped up in a big fluffy flour tortilla of smushy romanticism and dusted with hot hot cinnamon passion. It really does make every moment in life an exotic dessert, when I'm with him. Of course, now he's away again, and that makes me sad. But we are of course still communicating, and both of us know full well that it's only a matter of a little time and coordination before we see one another again, and that makes me glad. His verbosity seems to be making its mark on me. ^_^* This also makes me glad. It's good to be raising my standards of communication to level on par with him, rather than lowering it for the sake of clarity towards other people. Not to say that the people I generally converse with are of a lower level. That's actually not true. A great deal of the people I know speak much more intelligently and with better information than I. However, around him, I can venture out with the limited frills of vocabulary and existential knowledge that I possess without any worry whatsoever of being reproach for being wrong. Which again isn't fair to people I talk with, but I think what I'm trying to say is I'm ultimately comfortable with him, and that he makes me want to better myself. Anybody who can do that deserves a lot of praise. His generosity and caring extend to so many levels. And my family loves him. ^_^* This is very very good. My brother Sam informed me today that I need to go marry him right away, so that they can be brothers. Ok Sam. (Hey, anything for my little brother. ^_~*)

In part it strikes me as amazing that I've grown to be so enmeshed with Rob. I mean, I can comfortably say "yeah, let's get married", and my belly writhes in agreement, instead of fear. And back in June, I was pondering never quite loving anybody totally again for a great long while. But we... well, we didn't really click. It's sort of like how when you buckle your seatbelt, and it doesn't make the sound, and you go to sit up a bit, and redo it, and you discover that you are in fact strapped down. I'm strapped in tight, I am. And I'm loving it. How can I not? But I digress. We met, we started to get a feel for one another, and like the action of a massive star gone nova, and inverted to a black hole, the whole world started swirling into the gravity that was created. It all pulled together, and stretched thinner, and became so small that the whole universe could be encapsulated in the iris of the eye. That's what I saw when I stared into his eyes. I saw the whole universe, made small, compressed to a dazzling hazel and shining with his sweet, sweet soul. I fancy he saw something similar, or he wouldn't be mine. We were well met, well matched, and now well partnered. I miss his kisses. They taste like love.

Thirsty,
Ji-sama

Falling off the Face of the Earth, Gracefully
Friday, October 12, 2001 - 11:31 a.m.

Laugh with me now. Ha ha ha. Gracefully. Ha. Ha... Yeah, right. Wow. Did you know today is the one month anniversary of when the world went to hell in a handbasket for the umpteenth time in the history of the generations living now. I do believe we'll rise above, because we've got the will, the way, and the backup to do so. That doesn't mean I don't feel horribly for all the people whose livlihoods, whose lives in general have been and will be truncated and possibly ended in this just-started period of tragedy.

Rather than get into that which I have so little control over, I shall go into at length my own thoughts, apprehensions, achievements, and shortcomings, because the point of this little blog thingee is to feed me and my ego 'till we can't fit through the door no more.

Yesterday, I recreated a sheet on paper in Excel, that was close enough to the original that my boss asked me what I'd changed after I'd scanned it. ^_^* He, at the very least was impressed with the creation. It took forever to fix the spacing on it, let me tell you. Sometimes straight HTML is so much less complicated than GUI page formatters. True it wasn't a page in the HTML sense, but it was tables. And tables are actually sort of fun, once you understand the nuances.
Yesterday was cool, too, because I got my car registered. And it cost around 40$. I was expecting to get hit for about 80.
Yesterday was also weird, because I got out of work early, or rather, I left early. I'm slightly wishing I hadn't. See, if I'd have stayed, I would have done the cleaning. I will explain the importance of this factoid soon. When I got home, I sat around for a while, you know, doing my (no)thing, and a car pulls in. Now, I figure it's my dad. Turns out, it's this survey guy from Health and Human Services. My mom had IMed me and told me about it earlier, but I'd partially forgotten, and I didn't think he'd show up after dark. So then I sat there for an hour+ as the nice man conducted the annoying survey, most of the questions dealt with drugs and alcohol. Most of the questions I answered ~no~ to. So yeah, that was boring.
Then that night, I spent a good hour and a half on the phone trying to assure Rob that it's well-nigh impossible to get lost in Boston South Station. He'll be fine, I'm sure of it.

That's right, he's coming today. In fact, glancing over at the time (11:59), it's only about 4.5 hours!! *swoon*

Well, whatever the case may be, I think I'm going to lunch very soon, and so on, and so forth. Mmm... food. *sweatdrop* eeeek... money...

~Ji-sama

Oh baby.

So I have a Fetish, Deal with it.
Monday, October 8, 2001 - 09:58 p.m.

Pretty music awaits my loverboy. So do a few other lovely surprises. ^_~* I know you're reading this, so I'm not going to divulge a thing. Aishite iru yo, Bunny-kun.

In the van today, on the way to get my car registered (Oh, did I neglect to mention I bought that on Friday? oops.), the coolest stretch of time occured. On the radio - tuned to WUNH, thankyouverymuch - there was the most amazing cover playing. Paranoia - The Januarys. Let me just say, whoa. That... it was too delectible for words. The sun was shining so brightly, high and clear in the arching sky. A flight of birds cut high above the trees that lined the road, wheeling and slashing through the air so seamlessly. The leaves were somewhat turned, providing a bright blot of color to remind that life always has a last hurrah before fading into winter's merciless slumber. My heart was filled up with hope, and my eyes with splendor (and the road, after all, gotta pay attention), and my ears with such grand aural delight. It was a moment to savor.

I've actually got more I could write, but I think I should focus on boyfriend, and getting to bed. Gotta lot to do this week, and I want to be well-rested when Rob gets here. ^_^* Must make every moment count. This life may well be the only one we have, and if I am living, I should be living according to my desires. It just so happens to be my desire to make him as happy as humanly possible in the time I'm with him. I hope never ever gets sick of me. *blush* He makes me happy.

~Ji-sama

I am such a bum
Sunday, October 7, 2001 - 09:19 p.m.

Rant#1: Sam's Club is run by Nazis.

Well they are. The majority of the staff over 25, which is most of them, all look at you with this guard-dog expression that says: "You're obviously going to steal a gigantic fucking jar of mayonaise for your own sandwich making enjoyment, because you're obviously a thief, you shameless prick."
But I could be exaggerating.

Rant#2: Why war is bad.

I fret for my draft-aged boy friends. I scowl at the foolishness of those that are exacerbating the situation to this level. I make a face of resigned regret at the people whose lives will be irrepairably damaged by this. It's a shame and a crime for this kind of thing to still be going on. We've come so far, but humans still have a lot to learn. It's so hard not to just be judgemental, and harsh, and lordly right back at people who present that attitude. *sigh* So very hard.

Rant#3: My brother is cool.

Because I said so, dammit.

And now for a list. I meant to take this and turn it into this long, meaningful account of what happened to me on the way home. I may yet. But I am not going to do that right now. In the meantime, you and I shall content ourselves with this reproduction of items scrawled on the back of one of my personal info cards (can't say business card, as I am not a business per se). This will be transcribed as exactly as digitally rendered text will allow.

• Paul
• Birds
• Black Eyes
• Coutrasts
• Strange
• Grass
• Mystic, CT
• imprint
• hope
• dispair
• smells
• business
• police
• slowness
• time
• "home"
• reactions
• death
• life
• inevitability
• rememberance
• tragedy
• philosophy
• responsibility

Kawaii Da Yo!

moof
Thursday, October 4, 2001 - 08:32 p.m.

I feel so lousy!

I'm neglecting all my Towerly duties, and now I'm procrastinating in regards to my own works and writings. This is why I would never survive as a writer. Ok, that, and the fact that no one really would have any desire whatsoever to spend money to read the drivel that pours forh from my leaky brains. It's a sorry state of affairs indeed. Oh yesh.

I've got a ton of things to write about, but I'm letting life flow, and not harnessing my memories whie they're still hot, and leaving them to sit and fade, so the picture I capture won't be as vivid. It's shameful, really. I have a blank book that isn't ever going to get filled, too, and there are a few pages to which things are taped, so as to occupy said pages, and it's still never going to see its end, I don't think.

I'm restless, is what it is. I got a taste of what it's like to run outside and play, and now I'm itchy for more, except there isn't more to be had. That, and I'm still just plain tired.

Thank the gods tomorrow is Friday. And hopefully those gods will in turn smile on me for this thankfulness by delivering me my beloved. Hey! I know I saw him last weekend!! I'm greedy, dammit.

Wow. Hell of a note to consider seeing your boyfriend once a week to be greedy. I guess my perceptions are tremendously skewed. QooCy. Er, Kooky. -_-;
It'd make more than my day just to see him again. I've all sorts of delightful ideas of what we could do. (No, not just that, get your mind out of the gutter, damn you, you know who you are.) To be ~wholly~ honest, I would be purely content if we just hung around my house for about three days. It appeals to both my homebody side, and my desire to just be with him. He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He impresses me. He amazes me. He's just such a great person.
We are definately what I would classify as lovers. I hope the best friend portion of the relationship comes soon. Passion is all fine and well, but I think it worries something in me. Passion can fade. A steady, assured, allowing and humorous compassion doesn't readily dissipate, at least, not as I see it. Not that we don't have such a thing, but the balance seems like it's lacking sometimes. If I didn't feel such an imbalance, I wouldn't have thought to comment, I don't believe. Regardless of any unease or unsureness, I do have faith in him, and in my own adaptability, and in our compatability in general. We laugh with and at one another with frequency. And we agree on things that matter, and disagree, as well, but we discuss such disagreements well.

so anyway, I got hauled away, and I'm going to just stop right here. I have to shower, and go to bed.
ciao!
~ji-sama

Medicine Ball

There's so much to go over, so much to sift through. This will take several entries. Ergo, I've archived previous entries.

Ciao for now.
~Ji-sama