Today was nice, in a mellow sort of way, to end the exciting, tiring and thrilling week I've had at camp. Camp was honestly a blast; I made really great friends and acquaintances and all the kids were fucking awesome. I would so do it over again, maybe just with more bug repellent. These past five days have been days to remember, and have made me realize what I miss and cherish the most when I am away from home, especially music, friends, family, my computer, my bed, warm showers, etc. I didn't get to see my friends as much as I've like to today, but I don't always mind that. Even though I love them to pieces, it's good to get away from that shizz sometimes and just chill with a different crowd. I spent some time with my little sister today, which made me feel really charitable and lucky. After spending only a short week with 7 really incredible 5th and 6th graders, I've realized that time is short and that I only have about a year left to really bond with my younger sibling before I go off to college. I really am close to my sister, and I guess I have spent most of my days trying to get away from her and babysitting duties, but being a cabin leader has sincerely put responsiblity in a new light. I am flattered and enlightened, and I am definitely on the way to becoming a better person. This week has put a permanent smile on my face. Let's hope it doesn't dissipate so soon.
maggie* said something irrelevant at 11:06 p.m.
::e-mail::::aim::::gbookie::
::this is not the anniversary of an uninteresting event:: Sunday, May 25, 2003
AHHH! It's summer, it's night, and I think I can almost feel the summer bugs crawling around on my neck. gross gross gross. Where to begin.... so Friday night didn't go as well as I would have liked it too, but you give a few, take a few right? I'm sort of selfish anyway, but hot damn... why didn't I get his number and why wasn't I more compassionate... oh well, there's always July. I haven't thought about it that much so obviously it didn't mean that much. Okay, so I am sitting here in the dark at 3 AM in the morning thinking about it. Maybe I did care. Whatever. Dwelling on it makes me unsatisfied.
Saturday, being yesterday, I spent the whole day out and about, and even though it wasn't very thrilling, it was still wholesomely relaxing. I went up to Sonoma for no apparent reason whatsoever and got a call from someone that I sort of know, but not very well. It was sort of awkward, but nonetheless, very cool. So I spent most of my day in the car with family, which is okay by me. I really like driving and all the elements of a vehicle, whether I am the driver killing pigeons or just a mere passenger with floating hands out the window. It sounds like my friends had fun tonight chilling out, but thankfully, I am not in any bitter mood that I didn't get to hang out with them. Absence makes the heart grow fonder... I want to see people tomorrow to keep me sane because I know the elementary school kids are going to absolutely drive me crazy all next week... it's a fact. I would say this weekend has been decent, but not all too thrilling. I hope tomorrow is really fun... and I hope this damn itching on my elbow goes away too.
On a side note, Every Time I Die is kicking my fucking little emo ass. Hot damn!
maggie* said something irrelevant at 03:16 a.m.
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::unfragmented but blissful:: Friday, May 23, 2003
It's always fun to wake up at 4.30 in the morning to finish up some homework (rather, start), just to find out that you finish early and have an extra hour before you even have to get ready for school. This is fun when this happens, cause by then I am too awake to actually go back to sleep. My being awake thus puts me in a good mood. Today is going to be a lovely day. I am pretty sure I can feel it already.
School is easy shit now. Actually, I still have 3 presentations that I have to worry about and conquer, but after today, it will only by 2, thank goodness. I'm an odd presenter. I am quirky and I make jokes that no one gets. Oh well, we'll see if anybody laughs this time. I think listening to bebop so early in the morning puts me in a good mood as well. Jazz makes me so happy.
Okay, well now my stomach is grumbling, so I think I'm gonna have a bagel or something. Even more contributions to my good mood! Actual breakfast in the morning, what a surprise.
maggie* said something irrelevant at 06:30 a.m.
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::and the ropes hang to keep us all awake...:: Wednesday, May 21, 2003
This week has been really good to me thus far. It's been unusually hot and sunny, but no matter - summer is here, and I am already feeling the mood of kicking back and relaxing. Things have been going well - grades are good, friends are actually being cooperative, the Deftones album makes my whole year, and I also got called in for a job interview. Rad show on Friday and I'm missing school for the next week to go camping and to baby-sit a bunch of 5th graders and hopefully, meet some really awesome people. The mood is right for love and happiness - it's times like these I really appreciate where I am and the person I've become. Overall, things are just going so well.... and nothing could change the way this makes me feel.
I feel like I want to write about the Deftones again, but I think I have already mentioned enough in like, the past three entries. But yeah. The new album is fucking wonderful. I can't wait to see them play next month... they have been my heroes for the longest time, and I am so glad they have not let me down. That in itself should call for a celebration! Ahhh... heat.... good tunes... nice people... everything is making me so maudlin. But it's okay. Cause I think I like it.
maggie* said something irrelevant at 06:25 p.m.
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::contemplation:: Tuesday, May 20, 2003
An hour later, it hits me. Lucky You is an acquired taste. I gave it a couple more listens and now realize that it's much like Bjork, just with a trippier twist. And it's nice. It's quite erotic, which is how most Deftones songs are anyway. It starts off a bit slow, but gets a lot better at the end. It's the kind of song that you could have sex to on a hot midsummer's afternoon.... if you feel lucky, that is. =D
maggie* said something irrelevant at 01:04 a.m.
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::when you can't decide whether good bands stay good or go bad:: Tuesday, May 20, 2003
So as of 2 minutes ago, the new Deftones album is out. I have wanted this for way too long, but Dylan just has to go and burst my bubble. (it's okay, you were only looking after my best interests, heh...) Ever since I heard Minerva, I just kept thinking, damn, this has to be good. And here I am, stuck at home at midnight, pondering if I can make the 15 minute jog to Tower Records down the street. But apparently, it isn't worth it, and now I am very discombobulated. Because my eager self can't wait, I went and listened to Lucky You, which is a very weird track and as Dylan puts it, "ruins the CD." I wouldn't necessarily say that since I haven't heard the whole thing yet, but this track is sort of weird. I don't know if I like it or not, and I am not trying to convince myself that it is good as gold. It's just very Team Sleep-esque, and doesn't seem to fit in with the style of the Deftones. Teenager worked, but I don't think this track does the same thing for this CD. Maybe this will turn out how Glassjaw did. I'll sit and think how could anyone listen to this, what the hell.... and then end up loving and cherishing it just a month later. And for a long time after that too... I still want it though. The 'tones are still my heroes... like a childhood memory. Something you don't want to let go of, as corny as that sounds. Whatever. F that S. I'm doing some record shopping after school tomorrow.
maggie* said something irrelevant at 12:02 a.m.
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::discombobulated in content:: Sunday, May 18, 2003
I must say, I felt absolutely miserable yesterday. Everything was in the making for a beautiful day, except for the fact that I had gotten sick. The park potluck was really fun, but it was too sunny and I couldn't open my eyes or my nose, and the pollen was just everywhere. Bah... I hate being ill on such beautiful days. Then I took a nap and listened to Cave-in and had a macchiato and then everything was all better. Party time with the amigos and amigas. And that seriously made my evening and my nose feel so much more better. I am really full, from good food, good thoughts, and of course, good times. I don't know if it was just me, but I was in a really good mood. Everything I said or did seemed to come out right, and it was one of those things where I was way too euphoric to notice if everybody else was having a good time or not. So I hope everyone did. You can't go wrong with sexy friends and a fire. I kissed Laura close to seven times. Ryan put his mouth on mine. That was odd, but whatever. Like it hasn't happened before, eh? I think that everyone in my close circle of my friends is really horny, half of them just won't admit to it. Laura and I accidentally took Billy's shirt off. Really, it was an accident. We bit close to 6 or so people. The mood was right for getting high off of camaraderie. Nothing can express how happy yesterday made me feel. From misery to elation, good friends and gangsta rap are just the right medicine.
Sometimes I really hate people. But yesterday I think I could've kissed anyone. Someone to chill with would be nice.... people are nice. Hopefully, my thoughts will stay like this for a while. And happy birthday Jessie. You sexy mother fucker.
maggie* said something irrelevant at 08:38 a.m.
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::rewind/fast forward:: Monday, May 12, 2003
So normally I archive at the end of one month/beginning of the next, and I suppose I have procrastinated from writing because of that fact. Well, it is already halfway through May, and there is hella shit going on so f that s. I really have been meaning to write for a while, but I am way too scatterbrained to even remember the things I am supposed to do/say. Therefore, this entry will probably make no sense whatsoever. But I try.
Anyway, today I went to the beach and got sand stuck in my toes and salt in my hair. Fucking gorgeous. Today was just the most perfect and beautiful day that I have seen for a while. Not a day to wash cars; rather, a day to kick back and let the sun's rays tickle and embrace your skin. How I kill for days like these. The best part? I got grounded this weekend, but nothing gets in the way of me and nice weather and good times.
It has also come to my attention that I am lacking good communication skills and that I am not very good about keeping in touch with people I should keep in touch with... what happened to the old fella... who knows... what happened to my vanilla icee... I don't know. where is my midnight owl? goodness knows where people I once loved have disappeared to.... hopefully they'll all make the safe trip home.
Am I perturbed? Yes, always. Do I like public displays of affection? Not necessarily. So how does this work out... people obviously in like with each other that express their affection publicly.... yet not so grotesquely...? They don't slobber over each other physically.... but I suppose it is sort of there mentally. They stare at each other and are in each other's presences all the time... I suppose that my brain just interferes with the chemical messengers and I just pick up the wrong signals/synapses, eh? Either way, I don't think I like it.
I am really excited for next Friday. I'm also thrilled about this year's BFD, since I get to see the Deftones (without having to witness the horrible spectacle that is known as Godsmack)... I am also in love with the Blood Brothers. Good Lord, when do the infatuations stop....
I love my friends. I hate them. My family is good to me. Sometimes they make me cry. But all in all, things are good. I aced my AP History exam and was made to feel like a dunce when taking the AP Biology one today. School is almost out and I can taste the heat and adventure. There are so many things going on, so much to do, say, see....
I need to get out.
Too bad I always get in trouble for moving so fast.
Godspeed. and rejoice.
maggie* said something irrelevant at 09:05 p.m.
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::deftones tribute:: Wednesday, April 30, 2003
I love it. I feel like I have fallen in love with this band all over again. The Deftones are absolutely wonderful. It seems like it has been way too long since I have listened to the beauty of Chino's voice haunt my memory for time to consume. It's like the first time I heard My Own Summer... everything about it just sends shivers down my spine, as their new single, Minerva, does. I mean, there's something just so refreshing about listening to a band you love and adore and about being mesmerized by how they can still sound so good and maintain their talent in such an artistic and influential manner. I like how they have kept their style, and how their songs will always possess the same beauty they have kept since they were written. I used to spend hours on end listening to Around the Fur on repeat, knowing every single detail of every single song. Although I would say that my music tastes have expanded much from the day when the 'tones were in their prime, there is still something so soothing about coming back to something that you've lost for a short while. I mean, I listen to so much music now, but I don't think any of it will ever touch me the way the Deftones first did. They were the spark. The only band that can even come remotely close is Glassjaw. I wouldn't even know about Glassjaw if it weren't for the Deftones. I don't know why I am rambling on so much about this band... I guess I'm just overly excited that I have found my love for them again. It's not like I ever lost it, but well, three years is an intensely long wait for a record to come out... but this one is completely worth it. I give my thanks to the Deftones.... for being so fucking beautiful.
*Subnote - I wish I could fall in love with people the same way I fall in love with music...
maggie* said something irrelevant at 11:48 p.m.
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::blank:: Wednesday, April 30, 2003
It's as if people didn't exist... I wonder where everyone is.
maggie* said something irrelevant at 08:48 p.m.
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::the stages of remorse and regret:: Monday, April 28, 2003
Sorta funny how moody I have been within the past 24 hours. Something stupid happened that caused my feelings to get over-maudlinly hurt, and these are the stages I go through:
Sadness. The tear-jerker. Where you seriously think way too much about things and say to yourself "What the fuck did I do wrong?" and think about how you are the worst person in the universe and how you may have contributed to the misery of others. You try not to cry because it's so stupid, oh so stupid, but you can't help it because you are a little dork who can't stand to get shoved around once in a while.
Bitchiness. Not really being a bitch, but more of a complainer/whiner, ratting out to everyone about how you're the victim, and how the person picking on you is so cruel, etc. etc. Not trying to gain sympathy, but more or less, spreading word about the ordeal, trying to get people to hear your side out first. Not getting people to take sides, but you know, just trying to gain others' understanding, and I mean really, it is just so nice to have good friends to talk to sometimes.
Aggressive. Angry. Seriously willing to break shit. Thinking, oh fuck, what a little fucker, how I would love to smash his face in and rip him apart into pieces. Unfortunately, this is not the reality. The consequences would be much too severe. So you're content with just bashing your head into a pillow for a little bit, hoping that the cotton muffles some of the screams.
The silent treatment. Avoidance. So things are better cause you're not gonna talk to him right? He started it, he should fucking finish it. You're scared of what he could say, what he could do, and you have a lot of good arguments but are too afraid or reluctant to say them. 1) You don't want to cause further turmoil and 2} he really isn't worth your time. Of course, you would like to get this settled, but the wait is sort of amusing... he's the one who hurt you, so of course it is fun to do the hurting back once in a while... even though this one is a toughie because we are dealing with a boy who has no emotion whatsoever, so negatively responsive to the environment around him. Let's not forget, he also happens to be an ass who can't make decisions for himself.
Lastly, ignorance, which is what I am experiencing right now. This step is a little tricky, because by now, you are so fed up with the problem, and you are 99.9% sure that you are right and he is wrong, and he is the one expected to make the apology, and to YOUR FACE. (This fact is significant.) You really don't care anymore about what happens because frankly, you are both assholes and no group is big enough for two assholes. So you just sort of let it slide and watch the drama unfold or simmer down. But this stage is the worse. All the other stages come back to haunt you, and you want to cry, you want to scream, you want to choke, you almost want to die. Okay, well really, it's not that dramatic at all, but I mean, you want to feel something. And if it's not happiness, then obviously, it's hurt.
That emo rant should last me a good two weeks or so. Yeah, this world is a fucking crazy one....
maggie* said something irrelevant at 10:37 p.m.
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::drama is what happens to broken bands and broken hearts:: Sunday, April 27, 2003
Leave it up to your best friends to make you feel absolutely miserable.
Frankly, sometimes one can get an overdosage of too many people in one evening, and then nothing goes right. It's like someone turned up people's hyperactivity levels and there was just like this explosion... of energy perhaps, but not necessarily that of the good sort. I don't know. I think I was being stupid Friday night. I was mad at people, thinking they were mad at me. Or maybe I just really needed my time alone, and it was really long overdue. Whatever it was, I feel bad for being such a little shit-fucker, but things are all better now. I think.
Anyway, I relieved my bitchiness by taking a much needed trip to the city. I bought CDs, walked on Haight, got a prom dress and saved 0, and it seemed like everything was okay. No pressure, just doing things that I wanted to do. Very nice, for a change. Came back home only to leave again, to do something I have not done for the longest time. A couple of entries back, I think I've explained 1) the need to go to a big concert and 2) the strong like I have for small sweaty shows. Well, I think I did both tonight, but whatever it was, it was very fun and relieving. I saw AFI at the Avalon Ballroom which is totally one of my favorite venues now. I like AFI, just not intensely, but it was still a very good show. Lots of people crowded into a large room, feeling the heat and the noise, getting thrashed about and whatnot. I haven't been so abused since my stupid emo scar on my shin. It was all in good fun though... I need to get smacked about once in a while. It's healthy.
Well, now that I am at ease (and tired) I think I can go to sleep with better thoughts on my mind and nightmares of Davey Havok's hair ripping out my throat. Yeah, it's been a good night.
maggie* said something irrelevant at 01:45 a.m.
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::ahh, home at last:: Sunday, April 20, 2003
It feels so much better... just a lot of things in general, I suppose. For instance, it felt really good to have a decent hour-long conversation with a good friend whom you have not seen for a week. I know a week may seem like a short period of time, but honestly, it felt like forever. It's just nice to be able to talk to someone who understands you completely and supports your decisions and thoughts and whatnot. Communication is a useful device.
It's also nice to come home to a bed you've been missing for two days, as well as the ability to spaz out in your own living room to some good old fashioned screamo-hard-punk-math-core shit when no one is looking... singing along to every word even though you've practically already lost your voice...
I've also been to two amazing shows this week, both of which I have enjoyed most thoroughly. However, I honestly wish that some people could just lighten up and learn to have a good time without putting other people's capacity to have fun in danger. If someone's spirits ain't broke, then don't try to fucking fix it.
It's also quite lovely to be relieved of silly infatuations and such... I think I have been cured of my ridiculous obsession with love... I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but at the moment, it seems to be the right thing. Can't doubt that it wasn't a fun ride though...
Okay, well now my brain is completely dead and has lost all ability to think. I think this calls for some good healthy rest. Until another late night evening...
maggie* said something irrelevant at 01:17 a.m.
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::i am the destroyer and las vegas is my hell:: Tuesday, April 15, 2003
More than always, family vacations never turn out well. Especially mine. I mean, it ended with illness, an early departure, and a slight conviction of my pride... not to mention the fact that my throat is still dry from that damn arid desert air. Las Vegas is not a fun place to be... I hate it with a passion. I wasn't allowed to do anything that would allow having fun and got bitched out by my parental units quite constantly for it. Sample scenario:
Dad: Where do you think we should go next?
Me: I don't know, how about this place, it looks like it could be interesting.
Dad: We don't have enough time to do that.
Me: Yeah, but if you spent less time doing this, and more time doing that, then we could fit everything in and get things done in time.
Dad: This is not your vacation missy, you don't get to make the decisions for us...
Yes, I am consistently slandered for my opinion when I am asked to give it. Does anyone see the logic in that? So that's basically how it went... I got so fed up that I just spent most of my available time alone, since "family" time was stressfully hindering on my wanting to have a good time... and for crying out loud, I wanted them to have a good time too, but it's not my fault if the dad gets sick and has to rush home instead of looking on the brighter side of things... my family is paranoid. He thinks he has SARS. So I am sitting here at home, a day early from when we were supposed to get back, just pondering... whatever happened to the good things in life? Where did it all go? Why does everyone have to be so bitter? And fuck, of all times and all places, why do I have to be bitched at as the cause of the family's problems?
maggie* said something irrelevant at 09:21 a.m.
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::that feeling of elation:: Thursday, April 10, 2003
So here I am just sitting around with a million chores to do and a sore arm.... just sort of wasting time... unless you call falling in love a waste of time. Not really in love with a person, not even in love with a thing... more like an aura, a good melody, a nice feeling from a sweet virgin-esque adrenaline rush. Just sort of zoning out, realizing how much I really appreciate music and how glad I am to have it accompany me whenever I am happy, sad, irritated, discombobulated and whatnot. I hate liking a band so much even though they have broken up long ago... the feeling, the craving, the desire still lingers... and I like how everytime you listen to a song, you can find a new favorite part that you don't recall hearing before so that the song seems new and frightening and fantastic all at the same time...
I'm feeling a bit nerdy talking about all this stuff, but it makes me feel blissfully nostalgic, and I suppose there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing I would like more than to be in a small sweaty room filled with sweaty people listening to someone wailing on guitar while the sweat lingers and drips on heavy notes and sighs. Call me crazy, but it's really a beautiful thing... and it's not like I haven't been to a show in a while... the last one I went to was a couple of weeks ago, and I am going to one next week, but those moments are so hard to find and so intangible. Now I have to worry about the other people I'll see, the locations, the rides, and before it used to be all about... just plain... nonchalance in tuning your ear to a delicious treat. Those were good times...
...how dangerous it is for me to be infatuated with music. And yet, how healthy and salubrious it can be at the same time...
maggie* said something irrelevant at 11:05 p.m.
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::"smile for peace," the protestor said, "go pedestrians!":: Saturday, April 5, 2003
I don't think I've ever heard it better than in Chbosky's words in The Perks of Being a Wallflower... that is to say, his description of feeling "infinite." If I had to describe my day today, then it would definitely be an infinite one. I like it when I am busy... when I am on my toes, ready to anticipate, ready to seize the day... and that, I think I have done for the day.
Run-down of today's fiascos...
-Took SATs in the morning, bleh-ish, but what else do you expect?
-Togo's... yum...! Then some record shopping, which is always a fun deal...
-Carlie's soccer game, even though I was dozing off for parts of it, but it was still a good one cause her team won.
-Getting lost in downtown trying to find green tea ice cream...
-Actually finding green tea ice cream after a half hour of driving in circles!
-More cruising...
-Coffee shop and hot white chocolate, mmmm....
-Grocery shopping like a lesbian couple with mi compadre Laura...
-Drive-ins! Normally, I don't like these, but we had the truck and the junk food... cozy up with cool people under the night sky... that's never a bad thing.
All in all, today has been unusually fun. Too bad it had to end so soon, for me at least, since my mom wanted me home earlier for some odd reason, even though I did not terrorize the town today! Honest to God, I swear! Unless blasting the Velvet Teen at the drive-ins counts as a disturbance and impediment on other people's enjoyment... who the hell cares. We saw fucking What a Girl Wants, for crying out loud. Of course no one should be taken seriously. =D
maggie* said something irrelevant at 10:55 p.m.
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::a little bit about me::
People know me as Maggie, the little Asian girl. I am now 16 years of age, and sadly, still a junior in high school.
I live in California, and even though it's not quite that sunny, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have high ambitions and hopes, but for now, I'll just stick with the identity of the nerd I am.
::pastimes and preoccupations::
As of late, my main fascination has been the art of film and cinema.
Of course, music still also plays a huge role in my life, and I have a really bad addiction of buying
new music or going to rad shows. Writing is also a major influence. It keeps me sane.
I don't like to be bored, so if I am not online wasting time, then I am usually oot and aboot.
Sushi is my best friend.
::current intrigues:: ::watch:: within the past week, i have viewed the matrix sequel, daddy day care, finding nemo and x2. yeah. ::listen:: "battle axe" - deftones, "american vultures" - blood brothers ::read:: i need literature. badly. besides books, i've been reading a bunch of beat generation poetry.
