Sunday, December 31, 2000
The ex-sportswriter
I don't think I'd want to do this job either. I've heard from people who do that interviewing the players gets to be pretty dull after awhile- they've all be trained on what to say all the time, predictable, etc.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
Proof that small towns drive you crazy
Even the shrinks.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
Songs and More Songs by Tom Lehrer
Y'all should check this guy and his music out.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
The fun of being a telephone psychic
And what a hard job it is, too. Though if you really want to, there's some tips on how to do the job.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
Cat Guard?
Program that can figure out when your cat walks on your keyboard. Hmmm.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
Husbands and Wives
I've actually met 2/3 of the Ravenhearts (Oberon, Morning Glory, Wynter, Wolf) and found them to be damn cool. Morning Glory in particular is a very funky chick. Though I heard from Morning Glory's own mouth that Wynter just "showing up" at her door wasn't um, necessarily related to work there. Wynter's mother was apparently quite worried until she found out Wynter and Morning Glory's relationship was sexual instead of a mommy-replacement thing. I can't believe Wynter manages to keep track of 20 lovers at a time, though...DAMN, no wonder she looks tired. Oberon doesn't necessarily sound jealous to me, though- more like, surprised at the number of possibilities.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
Love through a fractured lens
Oh,it's hard to date when you don't see so well and your date insists on having a man in the driver's seat.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
The basic plots in literature
Self-explanatory.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
Griffin and Sabine
The web site for the world-class books.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
How to Levitate
Warning: magical spoiler here with regards to David Blaine How to levitate on a public street.

Sunday, December 31, 2000
Tales from the Wank Factory
Written by a former adult magazine letter writer, and the er, processes going through his mind at the time he wrote. "Hang on, I've already done a dildo letter, haven't I? Or was it a cucumber? Oh, who fucking cares?" "Ooer, I've given her 3 hands...ah well, that's bound to turn on some sad bastard"

Sunday, December 31, 2000
Ape Culture
Recommended articles: Should I Stalk William Shatner Test ("5. If Someone says Picard could take Kirk in a fight, I: c. Argue relentlessly until all chances of a mature relationship with a woman are gone forever"), Note to Harrison Ford: You Can Go Back to Making Bookshelves Now ("In the past decade you've made...a host of action blockbusters in which you coasted, playing The Hero, displaying your constipated-yet-angry face and your pissed-off-yet-bored face."- I love Harrison too, but yeah, he's sucking lately), Manilove (all about what it was like to be part of Barry Manilow's fan club- "I read the words "horse manure" and I realize I’ve never seen a single bad word in any of these Barrygrams. This sucks because we all know Barry curses like a sailor."), Rockford Files meets Nancy Drew ("I’ve made this trip all the way from River Heights!" "Where is that?" "Why, that's where I live." "I mean, where is it located on a map." (blank look from Nancy)).

Friday, December 29, 2000
How to Quote a President
The debate about whether to mention every single Presidential fumble. I tend to vote yes on that (hey, it's funny, and they can't say you didn't quote them correctly), whether it's the President or not.

Thursday, December 28, 2000
Even Breakup Girl gets dumped
Man, this is just sad, especially since she's lost the whole "Breakup Girl" package. I hope whiny-ass Oxygen at least sells back to her, and I have to agree with Mike's quote of "too Oxygenated"-particularly the new message boards, which are some of the least user-friendly you've ever seen. (I did not see any of the people "quoted" from the message boards on the message boards, by the way).

Thursday, December 28, 2000
Crankyass Whitney
I'm not particularly a Whitney Houston or gossip column fan, but dang, has she turned into an utter mess. Throwing a big hissy because "Special Guest Star" was left off her door!? Maybe that's why Jacko wouldn't sing with her.

And Hugh? Ew.

Thursday, December 28, 2000
Access Denied
All about the difficulties in obtaining an abortion, despite its legality.

Thursday, December 28, 2000
Universal Crossword
Online crosswords are pretty funky. And now there's two sites that purport to help you solve them.

Thursday, December 28, 2000
Useless Gifts
There's some malice aforethought when you read remarks like "My sister got me inflatable furniture, the kind that you blow up yourself - but I'm severely asthmatic and I have 3 cats... I don't think she likes me.." and "I was given a pony tail maker a few months after I had my head shaved for brain surgery." and "Listen up, I'm 14 years old. What do I want with a large pack of industrial cleaner?"

But I am amused at the collection of porno mags, breast mug from which you drink out of the nipple, box of plastic forks "because you like to eat", paper clips, microwaveable pork rinds, pocket watch with Jesus on it to a Jewish guy, a box of batteries WITHOUT toys that were promptly taken and used in someone else's toys, paper napkins, engraved telephone cover (huh??), booger remover (that one's for Dave, all right), three dead batteries and a scratched CD, belly button cleaner, a toilet seat cover for a fifth grader, Millennium Barbie for a 32-year-old who doesn't collect dolls, car accessories for someone without a car, a ball point pen that was out of ink, chocolate for a diabetic, and a dead goldfish (which sat wrapped under the tree for a week before Christmas).

And there's one guy who wraps his own wallet and gives it to himself every Christmas. What the hell?

Continuing on the last gasps of Christmas-themed links, here's some toys- decorate your own snowglobe and snowman, and three dotcom Christmas cards.

Thursday, December 28, 2000
Oozing Goo, the Lava Lamps Syndicate
Features the origins of the lava lamp, some very pretty old-fashioned lamps, and lava lamp formulas so you can make your own.

Thursday, December 28, 2000
Optical Illusions
If you love these things as I do, here's a full collection of the most popular ones I've seen. Though I have to admit that this one kinda stumped me. I could kinda see it, but it seems like a stretch to call this an optical illusion to me.

Thursday, December 28, 2000
Some political humor
The best, though, is The Story of Curious George W." I just love the lines in here.

Tuesday, December 19, 2000
Love Letters to Amazon
This'll make you choke on your Cheetos laughing, all you panting devoted slave monkeys out there.

Tuesday, December 19, 2000
Pooh's Fucked Up, Dude
I can't believe they came up with this crap. (And yes, I realize the irony of this coming from the girl who linked to the Kama Sutra of Pooh a few logs back.) According to these lameasses
* Pooh has ADHD and has symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, may someday get Tourette's and needs to be put on a low-dose regimen of Ritalin ASAP. "Early on we see Pooh being dragged downstairs bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head. Could his later cognitive struggles be the result of a type of Shaken Bear Syndrome?"
"Pooh needs intervention. We feel drugs are in order. We cannot help but wonder how much richer Pooh's life might be were he to have a trial of low-dose stimulant medication."
I take a
PILL-tiddley pom
It keeps me
STILL-tiddley pom,
It keeps me
STILL-tiddley pom
Not
fiddling.

* Piglet has generalized anxiety disorder and could use an anti-panic medication.
* Eeyore's got chronic dysthymia (albeit who's surprised to hear that, in a way) and also needs drugs.
* Owl is dyslexic.
* Rabbit has an untreatable narcissistic personality disorder. Gee, no drugs for him? :P "He seems to have an overriding need to organize others, often against their will, into new groupings, with himself always at the top of the reporting structure. We believe that he has missed his calling, as he clearly belongs in senior-level hospital administration."
* Tigger seems to be hyperactive and they couldn't agree on how to drug him with a stimulant or a sedative.
* Christopher Robin may be struggling with a gender-identity crisis.

* And then there's poor little Roo, who they determined is going to be in trouble because he is being raised by an overprotective single parent ("It is highly likely that she will end up older, blowsier, struggling to look after several joeys conceived in casual relationships with different fathers") and hangs around with Tigger. "We predict we will someday see a delinquent, jaded, adolescent Roo hanging out late at night at the top of the forest, the ground littered with broken bottles of extract of malt and the butts of smoked thistles."

Tuesday, December 19, 2000
People for the Expeditious Termination of Annoying Characters
I want to sic these people on Jar-Jar. (Lame link used because I don't want to look at his freaky mug) I'm not kidding. Too bad they seem to be busy killing off some mysterious Kangaroo Kafka thing, though (and no, I haven't the faintest who/what that is)

Tuesday, December 19, 2000
Raccoon Penis Bone
I swear to God, this has gotta go in Dave Barry's Gift Guide for next year. (Warning: roadkill shot, humping raccoon shot on page. Yeah, and that bone.)

Tuesday, December 19, 2000
More Hampster Dance....
I can't believe they have a CD of it now. I can't believe I actually bought one out of curiousity, either.

Tuesday, December 19, 2000
Kevin Smith's Office Door
I'm not sure why the hell I'm linking to this, because he's got a nasty ass picture (literally) of Jason Mewes on it. Oh never mind, skip that and read comments like they've got here . Or you can get intellectual and hear about Jay's feelings on stuff like marijuana.
"I think it should definitely be legalized. Like they say, if anything it should be more legal than booze because people get drunk, they drink and drive, they crash and kill people. And when you get drunk you get a little rowdy and shit. And you get stupid and have unprotected sex. Weed, you know, you just get mellow. You can drive pretty stoned and be OK. I mean, sometimes you get too stoned and you can't drive. But you could get pretty stoned and still drive. And you don't get all stupid and sleep with someone. You're so stoned most of the time that you don't want to sleep with someone. So, that's that. And a lot of people get shot and shit during fucking drug deals -- the cops busting and raiding and stuff. So, I think they should legalize it." What an eloquent dude.

Tuesday, December 19, 2000
Cell Phone Guns
Oh dear god. You knew they HAD to combine the two for real vehicular manslaughter at some point, right?

Tuesday, December 19, 2000
'"Mrs. Roosevelt?"
Also known as an entry from the Annotated Dennis Miller. Basically I just posted this because I think they soooooo stretched this one.

Monday, December 18, 2000
Dave Barry's 2000 Gift Guide
I don't know how long this'll stay online, but here's the specific link to it.

The special items this year include:
* Cleopatra Nose Lifter
* Nori Nasal Passages Cleaner: This is where the Nori, which looks like a small mutant teapot, comes into play. According to the instructions, you fill it with salt water. Then: ''While leaning over a sink, tilt your head sideways and slightly insert the spout into one nostril. Important! Your mouth must stay open! The salt water will flow through the nasal passage and come out the other nostril.'"
* Nipguard Nipple Protectors: "Thanks NipGuards for giving me back my nipples!"
* Leaf gatherers: "There's a brand-new way to pick up yard debris, which is to put on a pair of these huge plastic claws, which are the size of garbage-can lids."
* Fat-reducing ring: "The cast members of Friends wear these rings on virtually every digit they possess."
* Remote-contolled flatulence machine: "This is a serious piece of high-tech flatulence equipment...The Vatican orders these by the gross. In short, if there is a better gift than this for emitting a true whiff of the holiday spirit, we cannot imagine what it is."
* Fog-making machine: "This holiday season, give the most precious gift of all: The gift of obscurity."
* Flashlight Bat: "Now you carry a single device that enables you to both shine a light on an intruder, AND strike him with a bat. Unfortunately, because the light is in the end of the bat, you cannot do both of these at the same time."
* Kid's camoflage clothing: "Dad or Mom better not set the baby down, lest it blend into the environment and disappear, forcing Mom or Dad to attempt to locate it by crawling around the ground, sniffing dog-like for the telltale scent of a loaded diaper.
With "Kid's Camo," your baby can scream his or her little head off, but the other passengers will have no idea where the sound is coming from! You can act just as annoyed as everyone else!"
* Bull Putter See for yourself.
* "Exotic" Cologne Scents such as "Earthworm" and "Funeral Home." ''What's that odor?'' ''I don't know, but it smells like a corpse!''

Sunday, December 17, 2000
Fun Penis Facts
I don't know what's up with me and the sex topics this morning...man, I must be bored. But these lines are just too good:

"Doctors say that penis-enlargement techniques, often involving weights and pumps, are dangerous. Deal with your teeny weenie."
"Fun terms for male masturbation include “jerkin’ the gherkin,” “shaking hands with the governor,” “five-knuckle Olympics,” “paddle the pickle,” “tickle the Elmo” and “white-water wristing.”
"In last year’s For the Love of the Game, a full-frontal shot of Kevin Costner was reportedly edited out after pre-screening audiences laughed their heads off." Gee, how bad was it??

And this story is one of the most disturbing I think I've seen in awhile. Boy, am I glad I'm a girl when it comes to this kinda exam, I think.

Sunday, December 17, 2000
A man's right to choose
Here's a controversial one for ya: how men are basically stuck with a child if the female wants it, pretty much no matter what. I have to say that I'm against a man forcing a woman to have a baby. Until we can take the implanted egg out and raise it in a bottle separately for nine months, this isn't feasible. It's very hard on the body to carry a child, has a lot of health risks, and I rather believe you shouldn't be forced to take those risks if you don't want to. I'm sorry the men can't have an equal voice on this, but right now that's not working. It's more life-changing to have a child than not, and I think that's what they need to go on.

However, I do think it's just really unfair that men who adamantly don't want to be fathers can be stuck being one (as in, must pay child support, in some cases have the mother hit them up to take an interest in the child), even if they were really tricked into it, even if they signed papers, etc. I know there's plenty of people who are like "You NEED the money for your kid if you're going to be a single mom, he played, he should pay," blah blah (and yes, I know the financial situation is godawful for most divorced women with kids), but given the current deadbeat dad stuff going on, forcing a father to pay up and pay attention to the kid can be a losing battle. Phyllis Chesler did an article a few years back (for some reason no longer online) about how she spent years trying to get her once-nice husband to EVER pay up for their child (he was loaded, pretty much refused a lot), ignores him all the time, etc., but she was afraid to really push him or really ask for anything because she didn't want to ruin the possibility of her son's having a real father. I think I'd rather say to the kid, "Look, your dad didn't want kids, we're going to ignore him forever and find you a better one" rather than constantly try to get the dad's attention/money and get him to be a real father. But that's me.

If I were a man, I think I'd be really freaked out at the idea of the woman getting pregnant. Things are just so out of their control, in a way (other than condoms or vasectomies). And given that example of the woman taking the condom and syringe and inserting herself... Yeah, I'd be pushing for a male pill, but who knows if it'll ever get used?

On a similar subject, reading stuff like this gets me very worried about the all-Republican, all-the-time world to be in January. I should probably save this article and show it to the Republican I know who claims that Bush is going to benefit women.

Quoting him here: "In 1994, he told the Dallas Morning News, "I will do everything in my power to restrict abortions." When the Associated Press asked him this March, if it were up to him, whether all abortions would be constitutionally banned? "Yes, replied the governor, except for circumstances threatening the life of the mother, rape or incest. That applies to all three trimesters? 'Right,' he said."

Someone made a comment on some message board I was reading along the lines of "I might as well box up my uterus and mail it to Bush."

Sunday, December 17, 2000
Oxytocin
As a woman of this modern age, I HATE oxytocin. Hate hate hate hate hate it. Phenylethamine's hard to deal with too.