Sunday, January 14, 2001
Personalization Galore
These are just SO CUTE! I made like fifteen of the things today, I swear. You can also get your own personalized action figure these days.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
Evil Science University
Need I say more?

Sunday, January 14, 2001
What's lacking in sex education
As well as the above link, I found several conversations on this topic that were really good. And just for giggles, check out Technical Virgin, which is practically pants-wetting.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
One Angry Girl
T-shirt designs.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
Every Witch Way
The fun of being in a minority religion.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
Don't believe the doctors in men and women's magazines
"Most of the stuff we placed with men's magazines was done by creating a fictitious sex therapist with a Ph.D. and having him write stupid articles for the men's magazines my husband was himself editing. My husband never revealed to his stupid employers (and they were stupid) that many of the articles he was buying, he'd written (or I'd written). Since his paychecks usually bounced, this was the only way he could squeeze money from his employers."

Sunday, January 14, 2001
I like Salon, but...
Y'all apparently don't want to freelance for them.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
ICQ Forwards
This site basically spoofs all the stupid e-mail-ish forwards everyone's gotten a billion times, and offers links to send in retaliation. My personal favorite is Children of the 1780's: "If being called "The Town Crier" isn't an insult."

Sunday, January 14, 2001
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
If you check this here casting list and this link, you'll know which characters are recurring or not returning in this flick. Oddly enough, Matt Damon will be playing Will Hunting (spoiler found here) as well as two other people, and ditto Ben (one of them Holden). Jason Lee will be Banky and Brodie once more. A few actors (Chris Rock, George Carlin) may be playing new characters. The end of Chasing Amy is supposed to be resolved here.

For more news, go check Scooping the Monkey. Kevin is doing a column on casting for this movie ("Developing the Monkey"), which is pretty hilarious and recaps his meet-and-greets with various celebrities, and we find out details like why he really wants to egg Reese Witherspoon's house (she's been a bitch to him a few times and Joey once). In one of the columns, Heather Graham reads the script and is baffled as to why her character would fall in love with Jay. Kevin's response is "why does anyone fall in love in the movies? Why did your character fall in love with Austin fucking Powers?" (She doesn't take the part.) He's also got this bit:
"The Smith Family is also going to represent, as not only am I going to be in the picture, but so, too, are my kid and my wife. That's right - the woman I fuck and the product of our lust will be making their big screen debut in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Jen has a pretty big part (which she's earned by taking my very little part nightly), and Harley pops up in a fairly prominent (and fitting) role herself. You can do these kinds of things when you're the boss."

Sunday, January 14, 2001
For those wondering what happened to Amy Tan...
she's been caring for her dying mother and best friend at the same time. How sad. She's got a new book coming out.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
Microsoft Tech Support vs. the Psychic Friends
Which Provides Better Support for Microsoft Products? "In the course of a recent Microsoft Access programming project, we had three difficult technical problems where we decided to call a support hotline for advice. This article compares the two support numbers we tried: Microsoft Technical Support and the Psychic Friends Network. As a result of this research, we have come to the following conclusions:
1.that Microsoft Technical Support and the Psychic Friends Network are about equal in their ability to provide technical assistance for Microsoft products over the phone;
2.that the Psychic Friends Network has a distinct edge over Microsoft in the areas of courtesy, response time, and cost of support; but
3.that Microsoft has a generally better refund policy if they fail to solve your problem." (Though that's only if they choose to refund your money, which it looks like they haven't done here!) Talk about phenomenally bad service here! And to think my parents bitch and whine if I don't call tech support when my computer has issues...

And you know what's even worse? Pacific Bell tech support. Every nightmare you ever imagined about this alien place is completely true- everyone's a "supervisor", nobody knows how to fix anything, AND the employees are tormented by the "Hotcube." Quite lovely how there is nothing they can do about billing fuckups in the slightest.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
Memo to the First Daughters
Now you know where all the secret passages are in the White House! Really!

Sunday, January 14, 2001
The bag boy
"In case you were wondering, here's the most fulfilling way to enjoy the alleged thriller, Antitrust. Step One: Go shopping for groceries at your favorite supermarket. Step Two: When the smiling employee asks you whether you prefer paper or plastic, choose paper. Step Three: Seek out the young actor known as Ryan Phillippe, and--laying out a trail of mediocre screenplays--lure him into the paper bag. Step Four: Get railroaded by friends into seeing Antitrust. Step Five: Wager against said friends that Phillippe cannot act his way out of said bag before the end credits roll. Step Six: Collect your money and hit the town!"

Wow, what a way to rip on someone! I suspected Mr. Phillippe was a suckass choice to play a computer programmer...

Sunday, January 14, 2001
The Hunt for Cures
New developments in disease treatment.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
Multimates
An article on the evolution of relationships.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
Soliciting gay prostitutes
Odd thing to be put on this weblog, I know, but it's actually pretty funny.

Sunday, January 14, 2001
Interviews with sex writers
The above link is to an interview with the authors of the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, and features their professional opinions on sex aids. What's funny about this is the interviewer picked out some very random ones, such as open and closed umbrellas ("Ow." "Double ow.").

The other funny one is with erotica writer Mary Anne Mohanraj, featuring the eternal question of how do you write about the genitals?
"You've just hit on the most frustrating problem of writing erotica. Not only do you have to deal with the regular writer problems of finding fresh words to describe a situation, but you have to do it multiple times, and you have to do so with a language completely inadequate to the task. Even finding appropriate words for organs can be frustrating:
Penis - too clinical
Dick - sounds silly (I think so, anyway)
Cock - pretty crude, but it's the one I end up using the most
The female ones are even worse...
Vagina - too clinical *and* too many syllables
Pussy - damn silly
Cunt - often derogatory, which makes it problematic, but again, is the one I usually compromise with
Hole, Box, etc... - really crude"

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Save the Last Dance
This is a stinky review, but he mentions so many cute or good sounding elements I still want to watch it.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
A Simply Shocking Sex Party
I put this up because one of my friends told me she was going to a sex party for New Year's. She still hasn't er, reported back on what happened, but the lovely Susie Bright manages to distill the shocking myths nicely.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Socks may be kicked out of the house?
That's just mean.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Chia Pet
If you can, try to find the Chia Pet GIF on this site.
(What else can I say about this site? It's Chia Pet.)

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Geek T-shirts
A history.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Freaky parenting
If you scroll down the page, you'll find this remark:
"I am a mean and abusive father, however. I mock her horribly when she cries: "Your feeble, impotent baby rage will achieve nothing!" I compare her unfavourably to other pets: "Look, I put toilet paper on her head and she's too dumb to knock it off. The cat is way smarter." And I sing sadistic little songs about how we might cook her up for a meal. (We'll chop you up in pieces/And stir them in a pot/We'll add some yummy spices/To make you taste quite hot.) Annette is putting a stop to that, however, because one day the poor child will understand me. She looked a bit nervous being bathed in the sink last night, and I suspect my comments about Baby Soup may have had something to do with it. I will have to watch my language eventually, I know, but I'm secretly hoping that one day she'll be sent home from kindergarten for calling her teacher a "giant shit-filled piata." The great thing about babies is that you can say and do all manner of cruel and degrading things to them, but they don't fight back! How fun."

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Pamela Anderson on a PDA
"Users must keep the scantily clad caricature happy by clicking on a list of food, gifts and affectionate remarks, or the computerized Pam becomes grouchy or despondent.
But downloaders beware: ``PortaPam'' is temperamental. The real Anderson is a animal-rights activist, so clicking the program's fur-coat option only aggravates the digital doppleganger.
The right gifts and attention creates a happy "PortaPam" who blows kisses and dances at a nightclub."

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Dubya's
"Uniter, not a divider" is total bullcrap.

And now, you can play the Dubya Drinking Game.

"Take one drink...
...every time he utters the phrase "compassionate conservative."
...every time he talks about uniting Republicans and Democrats.
...every time he talks about uniting (or unifying, take your pick) the American people.

Crawl into the bottle...
...if he even mentions a word about gays and lesbians.
...if he mentions reproductive rights at all.
...if he acknowledges he didn't win the popular vote, yet somehow won the election anyway.
...if he manages to string together an intelligible sentence."

Thursday, January 11, 2001
More Bridget Jones, the movie
Has odd articles here.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Conservative feminists are worrisome
This doesn't sound too good to me...

Thursday, January 11, 2001
The new cast of Survivor II is a bunch of backstabbers
This sounds frightening. Plus, the show's gonna go on for years.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
The long shot
All I can say is that this is pretty disturbing that he basically has nothing to go on but one kiss decades ago and kinda wants to marry her without knowing her name.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Julie Burchill is one weird woman
You'll just have to read it.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Why Higher Academia Sucks Rocks.
Followed by Why Higher Academia Sucks Rocks, Second Verse. I am so glad I'm too dumb to go to grad school.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Goblet of Fire has a bad patch
Bleah. I hate having to leave out interesting details because people are so fanatical about not having them spoiled. I will just have to say that this link is for those who already read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and those who haven't should go away.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Mighty Big TV
Since you can't directly link to bloody anything on this site (this is as close as I can get), I'll just tell you to read the reviews on The Mole and (when they come up) Temptation Island. This stuff is hilarious.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
The confusion of expiration dates
I can't explain 'em either.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
My Cure is Killing Me
The colossal financial struggle to get anti-organ-rejection drugs.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Yet another cool article about Burning Man
It's kind of ironic that I put these up, given that (a) I only went once and (b) the chances of my ever going again are slim to none.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
The Eyes of Jane Elliott
I've always found the program this woman puts on to be fascinating (albeit disturbing- but that's the point). It reminds me of reading The Wave in school (which I would recommend if you can ever find it), or The War Between The Classes.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
There's no solution to the poor working mother problem
Really interesting article on how students were assigned to write a paper on being a single working mother trying to find employment and affordable daycare at once. It's just sad.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Shock of shocks- woman stops cooking!
I dunno, is it that shocking that a woman who never cooked too well in the first place decides she doesn't want to bother any more? Is it that ingrained in the culture these days that Woman Must Do All Domesticity FOREVER? Given that I cook in a similar manner to this woman, no wonder I adore restaurant eating so much. Then again, I haven't eaten dinner tonight purely because I don't want to bother cooking and the weather sucks too bad to go out...

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Google Your Potential Dates!
Actually, I think this is a pretty good idea, and I did do it once on my ex, who asked me out over the Internet. Having no clue what he looked like, I soon discovered photos of him with leather jacket, long hair and a beard that somehow made him look like a punk biker. Imagine my surprise to find a shaven preppy...

Wouldn't work too well for me, however, as I found at least 26 me's on the Internet the last time I Googled myself. I was quite surprised to find out about my stripping career and how I dated one of the Hanson brothers. Creepy.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
In which people bitch about a purple building
Frankly, this building, while rather a strong color, doesn't seem that bad to me. I really don't know why these people are bitching so badly when there are other eyesore paint jobs in the world. Like on my very own campus, for example. When I first got to this school and was taking Design 1, we had to go take pictures of color combinations in the real world. I turned this in as an example of complementary and the TA laughed in my face. Grrr.

On a similar story, we had this guy come into that class and tell us about the trials of wanting to paint his building (which, ironically, I now pass by on my way to work) pale pink and lavender (scroll down the page for a teensy picture). The fence man, however, has to get rid of his.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Swearing toys
First, we have the above "big bitch" toy, and the lameass negation of what the mother heard from the company woman.
"Admittedly, the diction may not be as precise," Schuman said. "I certainly understand her sensitivity. When people tell me they hear something, I know they believe they really, really hear it. But she won't get us to say it says that because it doesn't."
Excuse me madam, but how lame are you?
Yes, these talking toys don't talk so clearly (I have this A.J. Bear that speaks, but in total mumbles), and yes, you might not have intended for it to say a bad word. But if multiple people are hearing this, and are gonna want to get a refund for their cussing toy, guess what? You DO, in fact, have a problem. Why can't you just say "Okay, we didn't intend that, but we'll get you a more articulate toy to make you feel better?"

And then there's the fucking Pikachu toy.

Thursday, January 11, 2001
Two excellent Suck articles
The linked one above is about the weirdness and perpetual life of A Star Is Born. Which I've never seen, but I once read the fun trash novel Flavor of the Month that featured a boozed-up, psycho star mother (originally in "Birth of a Star") and her REALLY screwed up (you have no idea, but to give this one away would be damn mean of me) child Lila, who wants to be in the remake just to piss mother off.

Then there's the brilliant Polly Esther, this time on weddings.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
The Bad Bunny List
I think this is the funniest thing I've ever read in my entire life. I kid you not. Even if you're not into bunnies, this is hilarious. I was hysterical trying to read these to my mother. (And oddly enough, this article on bad bunnies really made me wish I had a house rabbit.) Other pet pages are listed off here too that I haven't gotten to yet, but in a way I can't imagine they'd be funnier. I posted the bunny link on an IRC channel and some people started posting lines from the dog link to it, but you know, you expect dogs to do weird and bizarre things. Not only do you not expect bunnies to get this weird, these bunnies do things I had NO IDEA bunnies were even capable of doing! Hence the selection of quotes- it was so hard to choose (my stomach hurts again from laughing rereading it), but here's the most shocking:

"Just because it is my female human's "time of the month," I do not need to inform her that I know it by running around her in circles and then peeing on her feet. The first time was just somewhat irritating, but after several months it gets pretty old."
"I will not chase all ten cats in the household onto the bed and then get ON the bed to terrorize them more."
"I will stop chasing the dog through the house after attacking his heels or nose. If I must continue, the humans will catch on that I'm doing the chasing, not being the chasee and start yelling at me instead of "Dakota, stop chasing the rabbit!" It's not funny that a 40 pound dog is terrified of a 4 pound rabbit. Even if I and the cats find it hilarious."

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
404!
Actually, this is pretty funny.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
The Death Watches
Man, I hope this guy is wrong, wrong wrong about Salon. That's my very favorite online writing spot, man. Ditto this piece on Buffy.
And returning to the case of the woman engaged to the Death Row guy, she's decided to ditched the wedding plans because she doesn't want to be a widow. Smart move there to avoid that...but she thinks she'll still get to marry him eventually if he just gets life in prison. Oy.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
16-year-old goes to jail for a month for writing...
(could you predict this?) a story about blowing up the high school.

Geez. We had a guy write that in college writing class, and we let him wander around free. School's still intact, too.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Chicks With Antlers...
are women with some sort of emotional history that is bound to affect their relationships. An amusing and accurate name for such a sad thing.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
"You Must Conform!"
The huge news item of "Gee, Kate Winslet's fat. We can't allow fat girls to work here." What a bummer. I was going to bitch more about this, but now I feel too sad to.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Hitchhiker's Guide Online
I haven't really gotten into this much, but there were a few funny links I looked at recently after the author of this one linked to it on one of the forums I go on. The Guide apparently enables you to pick up people by using trees, so you can go on to the horror of dating, for example. I'm sure I'll dig up more links to come in the future if more are like that.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Temptation Island cast tested for STD's
Aka "Gee, what a surprise." Though the idea of people being able to vote off who they don't want their mate to date is pretty damn funny. This article featuring the couples is also hilarious. There's a pair of "possible swingers" (which amazes me, as I figured swingers and poly folks wouldn't be scandalous enough for this show's premise to get on), a couple where the guy cheated, the girl with the "insanely jealous" boyfriend (figures. Watch his head explode...Why the HELL would he come on this?!) and the guy who's "way prettier" than his girlfriend and has wandering eyes (ouch).

And come on, hiring 26 people to hit on four couples? Hello, ain't this overboard?

Update after watching the show: First, here's a little joke. Then, here's what the show is like. I gotta love this line about Ytossie, one of the coupled ones who's with a cheater: "Why she hasn't ytossied him earlier is unclear." I also have to puzzle greatly at why Shannon and Valerie think that leaving their men with 12 beautiful near-naked women for two weeks in a tropical location will help prompt the men to propose marriage to them. The article's so right on about the seducers, too. Virtually every girl is a Miss Something or a Playboy Playmate, while the guys (except for the much-beloved masseuse) are, in fact, shlubs off the street. As a woman, I'm offended that they couldn't at least dig up one of the guy beauty pageant contestants from a few months ago. I won't recap the third page of this, but it's the best.

And finally, there's the big scandal that one of the couples has a secret child, which the producers found out about five or six days into the show. They were promptly kicked out of paradise and told to get counseling, apparently. This article doesn't say it, but I've heard others online say the couple is Ytossie and Taheed. They seem the most likely to me, and explains a helluva lot about why she hasn't ytossied him already.

Update: I've heard people say that Ytossie and Taheed were revealed as the parents on Mr. Showbiz (which doesn't seem to be the case) and on Access Hollywood. And to top it all off, the show didn't even go according to plan, if you get my drift. At any rate, somebody found this interview with the show's creator posted Monday, in which you find out details like people get to vote off seducers they don't want, they mandatorily have to go on five dates (three must be different people), people are getting paid $1000 (seducer) or $2000 (couple) for this, and that the creator just made a public ass out of himself in the media (thank you, Mr. Clinton).
"In the wake of the Rick and Darva imbroglio, how did you verify that the couples were actually couples and that the singles were actually single?"
"We had a team of private investigators, and we also worked with PricewaterhouseCoopers. We did six levels of background checking --the easiest being their social security number and their credit rating and verifying their identity, and all the way through a psychological exam. And we called family members and friends."

While frankly I gotta give Y&T the credit for being able to hide a child THROUGH ALL OF THAT, I also gotta laugh at Fox for going through so many damn precautions and still fucking up big time. Y'all are brilliant, man.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Shrunken chip bags
How can they do this to me? *sob*

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Um, right, like you'd ever get away with that?
This is what's annoying about doing a one-off themed weblog: you find this link Monday and think it's a hoot, but by the time you put it up Tuesday night the story's played out. Anyway, writer Stephen Pollard, leaving his current paper anyway and deciding to er, leave a legacy behind, wrote this article with the not-very-sneakily encoded message of "Fuck you Desmond" (the paper's owner).

To my utter surprise, the guy tried to get away with claiming it was "an amazing coincidence" (cough*bullshit*cough) and that he "had no idea." However, not only was the old paper not thrilled, the new paper about to hire him canned his ass before he even started. Moral of the story: Don't be a dumbass.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
The Hair Part Theory
The reason why I'm linking to this is that there was a blurb about it in the Sacramento Bee (don't bother hunting for the blurb, it was a humor quickie) about how the majority of American presidents part their hair on the left, as does Dubya, while Gore does it on the right. To quote reporter Alison apRoberts in the blurb, "Supposedly, a left-hair part subconsciously makes observers think of traditionally masculine attributes associated with the left half of the brain (burping with pride and scratching one's self, we assume). A right-hair part suggests feminine right brain functions (asking for directions and perceiving household dirt, we assume)." So, if you part on the right, you're a girly-man who shouldn't be president? How harsh! (And rather lame)

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Waaah, he called me a dick!
or "Why I Failed As A Union Mole: The Bad Man Called Me A Name." (Only linked to page 3 of this because that's the most interesting bit) Gotta love the soda scene, though.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Dubya's a robot, not Gore!
Some days I'm like, "I can't believe an editor let you print that in the paper."

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Living Ads
This is really, really, REALLY too frightening.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
The lameness of celebrity weddings
(Yes, that's where the entry below comes from) This article's right on.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
"Hung like a fucking pimple."
Aka "The Robinson brothers are nasty fucks. Literally.", this site features some of the worst insults I've ever seen. I'm afraid to read more at Groupie Central. These people frighten me greatly.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Can I take back my vote?
I know Gray Davis wants to be the "education governor", but this is going too far: making middle schoolers go to school for six weeks more than everyone else? Ouch!!! And it worries me that they think virtually everyone will go for it and all but one person quoted (guess who that was) absolutely adores it. Frankly, from what I recall of middle school they weren't using their time that wisely as is, and if they'd just say, do less waste-of-time crap, maybe they wouldn't NEED six more weeks of school. Trying to be like Japan isn't that great of an idea- look how stressed they are, and we think we're bad.

In a further update, not everyone likes the idea.

And in yet another update, here's a plea to not make the kids who don't need six more weeks of school not have it. It also notes that having better instruction is crucial, as opposed to making the kids sit through six more weeks of bad teaching.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Shock of shocks, man takes woman's last name
You know, I've heard of people doing this before, it can't be as rare as they seem to think it is. And then there's the hyphenated folks.

Tuesday, January 9, 2001
Telemarketing from the inside
I think this came from Pop Culture Junk Mail? Anyway, some quotes from that, and bits on the bottom about the impossibility of escape that depressed me.

"You want to feel satisfied in your job? Then set goals. One application an hour … you don't care if they're not interested" (Now I feel justified for outright hanging up on all of them and not being polite about it first.)
"Which one of you is going to quit first?"
"Let me assure you that I am not selling anything and I'll "I blow at this, frankly. My telephone manner is not nearly aggressive enough. I am letting my callees get a word in, and that word is "No." Statistically speaking, 40 percent of all phone sales occur after the first no, but my no's are so rapidly followed by a click that my percentage is hovering somewhere around, well, zero.
(See what I mean about hangups? And that 40% scares me.)