little ms. "sweet and innocent."
Now without pictures because Tripod has started to be jerks about it.
Friday, December 20, 2002
Who the hell ever takes a math test in a bathing suit?
Friday, December 20, 2002
Oh. My. GAWD. These will traumatize you NO END!
I cannot believe these are for sale. I can just imagine every guy in America squicking out right now.
Friday, December 20, 2002
Matt Damon, I love you.
Thank you, THANK YOU, from saving us all, not just Ben, from the horror of another J.Ho marriage. Though what is with that "oh, we're still engaged, we're just not getting married" crap?
P.S. Has anyone else seen a story online about how she now hates being called J.Lo because her mother started calling her that? I got it sent to me in e-mail, but have no online link.
Friday, December 20, 2002
More bridal horror!
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Christmas traditions with Carolyn Hax
Must read to believe.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Chris and Allison got married
Oh man, I just wanted to die laughing reading this. You can tell I've been there and done that a lot.
ALLISON'S MOM: Quiche? I thought we were having chicken salads.
ALLISON (quietly, head turned towards her, trying to end the conversation with each syllable) No. Quiche.
ALLISON'S MOTHER: But we ordered the salads, I thought.
ALLISON: Quiche.
ALLISON'S MOTHER: Didn't we order the salads?
ALLISON: At one time.
ALLISON'S MOTHER: You changed it?
ALLISON: Later, I did. Yes, Mother.
ALLISON'S MOTHER: Because I thought we were having the salads, not the quiche.
ALLISON: We're having quiche, Mother. It's right in front of you.
ALLISON'S MOTHER: Well, it's delicious, but I just thought we were having chicken salad. But I guess you went ahead and changed the order after we had picked out the menu, and you changed it from the chicken salads that we had ordered, and you changed it to this quiche that we are sitting in front of right now.
ALLISON: That would be what happened.
AB: Pam's tunie's broken.
I love that last out-of-the-blue subject changer!
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Merry Christmas, whatever you celebrate
Boy, does this guy piss me off. "Happy Holidays" is an anti-Christian attack? The fuck? Oh yeah, those Christians are so persecuted in December, RIGHT. And he also obviously doesn't know that most of Christmas celebration stuff COMES FROM THE PAGANS. What a maroon.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
The Mayfly Project: sum up 2002 in 20 words or less
Yes, you can try to find mine in there somewhere.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Hugh Hefner: the sim game
(Not a Sims(TM) game, mind you, but similar.)
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Dude, STEP AWAY from the doggie!
Thursday, December 19, 2002
A mass Christmas letter and its translation. Hah!
Thursday, December 19, 2002
She's right, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is a deranged song.
"This kid is an idiot. I don't care how old the song is: since the beginning of time, kids have known that their Mommy is only supposed to be kissing their Daddy, and vice versa. Hence, it would not be a "laugh," if Daddy were to walk in on Mommy kissing some strange man in a red suit. It would be The Christmas That Mommy Cheated On Daddy and Daddy Walked Out On Us. The worst Christmas ever. The kind of Christmas that leads to years of therapy later. Any kid with half a brain knows that his Dad is not going to laugh if he sees Mom macking with some dude who snuck in through the chimney."
Coincidentally enough, my roommate was doing mp3 searches for wacky Christmas music last night and found "I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus."
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Your astrological sign determines your favorite salad dressing.
They completely left out my favorite :P though yes, I do like Ranch, as does the boy. Hmmm.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Now that's a lame Christmas bonus
Though I've never had any kind of bonus, so I guess they're lucky.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Using a gift bag is only appropriate for impersonal gifts
Grrr. I like those. Finally, a way to wrap uneasily-wrapped gifts.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Now THAT is a cool tree!
Thursday, December 19, 2002
A TV show called The Town Slut
Boy, is THAT title not gonna make it to the airways...
Thursday, December 19, 2002
The Onion's LOTR infographic
* Much like hero Frodo Baggins, many married viewers would like to cast their burdensome rings back into the fiery chasm from whence they came.
* Boyfriend says it will be great.
* Are having trouble with women, want to go someplace where there will be no women.
Hah. Anyone want to guess which one of these is why I get to go on Saturday? (Actually the first one was good, but I just wasn't thrilled with the books. *GASP!*)
Friday, December 13, 2002
Isn't the gift already out of the bag on this one?
So (a) a teacher told the kids there was no Santa, so they (b) bring in Santa to prove she's a liar. Um.... how confused are these kids gonna be later on?
Friday, December 13, 2002
America has spoken, and I give up.
Sometimes I don't even feel welcome here.
Friday, December 13, 2002
Light Wars
The story of competing families duking it out to put the most Christmas stuff on their houses.
Friday, December 13, 2002
Women have a 63% chance of dying in a traffic accident on Friday the 13th.
Like this makes any sense for someone to study... but still, I'm staying indoors once I get home tonight, assuming I'm not hit by a car on the way home. But what's with this crap about women being more superstitious than men meaning they'll get killed? The hell?
Friday, December 13, 2002
Clues to the new Harry Potter book...
Would you have paid that much to find out stuff like "``Ron ... broom ... sacked ... house-elf ... new ... teacher ... dies ... sorry''? All I can figure from that is (a) Ron's in the story (duh), (b) someone's canned (that's a tradition), (c) someone gets to fly (ditto), (e) there's a new teacher (ditto), (f) there's more death (already heard that), and (g) dammit, the houseelves are STILL in the story? Wah!
Friday, December 13, 2002
Heheheh.
Funny story about what to do when you're being picked up by an unsavory fellow while pregnant...
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Mr. Raddick's Amazon Reviews
On "Surviving Divorce: A Handbook for Men" by Gay Search: "A well-written and challenging book which I bought for my Uncle Sandy as he attempts to cope with the aftershock of divorce. Unfortunately he thought the author's name was a coping strategy being suggested and he refused to read it."
On a book about Maltese dogs: "The book deals with all aspects of ownership and care with admirable thoroughness it even gives tips on how to spot when your dog is liquefying into a pool of itself.">
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Doesn't this sound like it's gonna be a stretch to do, at best?
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad
Honestly, this is my favorite Onion article EVER. My mother saw the original kid on Oprah and a few other places, and I felt disturbingly nauseous, yet guilty. God forbid you insult a short-lived child who lives with optimism, God, and hope, but... this was just too much for my cynical, Mr-Rogers-disliking*, cranky-ass self.
"I saw Luke on Oprah a few months ago and was amazed by his remarkable poise and courage," said an Oklahoma homemaker, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But when I read his first Hopeweavings book, I couldn't deny this feeling that his poetry is actually pretty lousy. I feel horribly guilty saying so, but it's true."
The good intentions of Luke's poetry, coupled with his heartbreaking illness, make it difficult for Americans to recognize and acknowledge the poor quality of his work. The poems are fraught with saccharine sentimentality, slapdash mixed metaphors, and endless clichés involving rivers and the sun.
"Please don't hate me for what I'm about to say," said an unidentified 44-year-old male from Syracuse, NY. "I'm not against a disabled child having a creative outlet. And I don't expect Shakespeare here. But 'flower petals'? 'Warming a kitten's nose'? It's terrible. And notice how, toward the end, he always has to shoehorn in a reference to God. Almost every single poem is like that."
I don't consider myself some bitter, cynical crank who can't appreciate sincere sentiment," Veronica said. "But the unrelenting cheerfulness is a bit much. When I read one of these Hopeweavings poems, I want to open my shirt collar and go out for air. God is always near, children are always special, and the sun is forever shining. I feel like somebody's cramming a rainbow down my throat."
* Okay, I don't hate him or anything, but I never got his appeal. Even when I was five, I thought he was hokey. Yeah, I was born like this...
Thursday, December 12, 2002
THANKS FOR SHARING!
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Stuff one writer does when he's not writing.
Hah, someone should have linked to that somewhere on NaNoWriMo (which I utterly failed, by the way. Had to go to my parents' for the last weekend, and neither they nor their computer would cooperate with me. Wah.).
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Double lottery winners think if they don't tell their relatives, they won't find out.
You'll note that (a) I read this online, and (b) saw this on the front page of the SF Chronicle. Uh-HUH. That'll work.
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Who wants to get married in an inflatable church?
I do! I do! I'm suggesting this to the boy in case any of my relatives demand we be married in the eyes of God or something.
Then again, we could go to Vegas and do stuff like the Charo wedding or the Liberace wedding, and really annoy the crap out of the relatives! Plus I won't have to bother with wedding planning!
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Re-enact leaving the Titanic!
Whee! Doesn't this bring on fond memories!
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
A gift guide for the shopping perplexed
If Dave Barry ever gets sick of doing gift guides, I know who could take over...
On a similar-but-not-quite-the-same note, here's the 15 worst holiday gift ideas.
Don't even bother buying weight loss tapes, stupid guy toys, gifts you want for yourself (I've done that, I'm afraid), clothing (people do this one for me- they all seem to think I'm a size 2 or something), handmade "cheap" gifts that aren't, or anything for the specialist in your life (whatever it is, they already own it, don't bother).
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Alternative Barbies
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Star Trek Christmas Carols
Gone away / is our space nerd / In his place / I see a warbird / He thinks he's so strong, / He won't think so long! / Flyin' on the Starship Enterprise
From Data:
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, / Jingle all the way! / Oh, what fun it is to ride / In a one-horse open sleigh--
or so I am reliably informed; lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived referent for the term "fun" /
I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat color the- yes, sir.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
BIG Buffy/Angel spoilers
Vampire ecology of Sunnydale. Though speaking as someone who lives in a UC college town, 100,000?!?
A Bunny Suit Anya doll.
The Buffy drinking game.
On the use of leather pants on Buffy. (Though I must admit I about gagged when I read that women in black leather are showing that they're owned by a male.)
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Old Man's War
John Scalzi of Daily Whatever fame is putting a chapter of his newest novel online every day for approximately the rest of the month. So far, I'm quite intrigued by the setup, and recommend that the rest of y'all give it a browse.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Hi, we're a bunch of idiots.
Girl babies suck. They make us pay money, and what good are girls for beyond providing us with more boys, anyway? So we go around aborting/killing female babies, then wonder why on earth we can't get our sons married off. But no, we still don't want to have any of our own daughters, no no!
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Evangelical Christians are only slightly more popular than prostitutes
Boy, does this make me laugh and laugh.
And speaking of what Jesus would do... he wouldn't be driving a car, you dumbasses, he was a pedestrian!
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
The dollar dance and its supposed cultural origins
I so love Invincible Girl, who also looks at the Knot, sees these arguments about the dollar dance, and thinks "Geez, this is so tacky to hit people up for EVEN MORE MONEY." I've so wondered about the whole "excuse" of "it's our cultural tradition" to explain it, myself.
"Except you know what’s weird? At least one person from every single country, state, area of the US, has claimed that it’s regional or cultural to them. “Oh, no, it’s local to the Irish to get a dollar for a dance.” “No, we Vietnamese have always done it.” “Are you kidding? Bulgarians without a dollar dance at a wedding turn into belligerent drunks with wallets full of cash! We don’t know what to do with all that money we’ve brought, so we elect dictators!”
Forgive me if I don’t jump out of my seat and start waving a UN flag and singing “We Are The World.” Because frankly, I think it might be a big old load of bullshit. Besides, why exactly is that the pervasive cultural trend? When did that start? I looked it up on Google, which says it was originated in the US in the early 20th century (less than 100 years ago) by European immigrants who wanted to make sure the bride and groom had some extra money to start up with. Riiight. So it’s not Vietnamese, it’s not anything, but American, and it’s not even that fucking old. What it is is a bid to extract more money out of your guests that hides behind the pretense of being a cultural tradition."
I'm also finding this bitchout about registering for holiday gifts to be hilarious. (Really, I'm surprised this isn't more common.) Get this quote: "A person wouldn't be looking at a baby registry or a wedding registry if they didn't want to," Ritch said. "But registering at Christmas or Hanukkah ... Those are gifts that are supposed to be from the heart." Right, and gifts given for weddings or babies aren't from the heart? Hmmm? Oh, gee, hope you can get that foot out of your mouth there.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Check to see if you're naughty or nice.
Seemed pretty accurate for me... "Overall, niceness outweighs naughtiness. Was good a lot last month! Politeness often good, but has room for improvement. Could help around house more instead of watching so much TV. Expected to move even higher up "nice" list."
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Please tell me this isn't true. PLEASE tell me someone made this up out of the blue.
"Georgia legislators will introduce a bill early next month that refers to abortion as an ''execution'' and will require any mother seeking an abortion to go to court to obtain a death warrant.
''A mother would have to argue why the child should die and why her rights would take priority over the rights of the child,'' said Rep. Bobby Franklin, R-Marietta, who sponsored the legislation.
Once a mother filed for a death warrant, a guardian would be appointed to protect the rights of the unborn child. That guardian would be authorized to demand a jury trial in which the rights of the unborn child would be balanced against the rights of the mother seeking to have the ''execution'' performed.
The court would be able to hold a trial within 30 days of the filing of the petition and a death warrant would be signed only if the court finds that the rights of the person seeking to have the abortion are superior to the right of the unborn child to live. Either side could appeal."
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
WalMart steals Toys for Tots
Yes, they spotted the TfT bin outside the store, took everything out, and put the toys on their racks, then only gave back about three toys because the rest "couldn't be proven" to be TfT's. The HELL? What obnoxious gits!
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Note to self: Don't shop in Italy
Between that and the reports of swarming, horny, obnoxious men who don't respect female space I've heard from people I know, I think I might just mark that country off the list altogether, pretty or not.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Breathe: The Overdose Game
You come home and find your friend passed out with a needle on the floor. What do you do?
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Revenge of the spammed
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Awwwwww.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Now this is one cool chick
Monday, December 2, 2002
Face/Off for real?
Monday, December 2, 2002
This year's Dave Barry Gift Guide!
I think my personal shocker, though there are plenty in here, is the er, Return to Sender casket. Yes, casket.
Monday, December 2, 2002
Advent calendars!
And here's another!
Monday, December 2, 2002
Women don't make it as copy editors because their minds aren't dirty enough.
Hell, I should prove them wrong. (Says she who was snorting gleefully at Sara's saying that she was "polishing her menorah.")
Monday, December 2, 2002
Hi, I didn't do my job, was an ass, and admitted it in print!
Monday, December 2, 2002
The Sarcastic 8 Ball online!
Monday, December 2, 2002
Big lottery winner still plays the lottery.
The hell? Anyway, what I find funny in this article is that the store that sold him the winning ticket is VERY bitchy that he didn't give them a "tip." (The store got $10,000, but "that had to be shared.") Dude doesn't owe your asses a tip, folks. Sheesh.
Monday, December 2, 2002
Psst! They can't get an actual millionaire for one of these reality marriage shows!
So they're gonna make it a BIG SECRET that the guy's a construction worker, and then spring it on the winner at the last minute!
Oh brother. On the one hand, damned funny to watch. On the other hand, for crying out loud in a bucket!
Monday, December 2, 2002
Jen Saves Ben: A Video Game By Kevin Smith
*sigh* I'm with Kim, who goes around, eventually comes around to dating each other.
Monday, December 2, 2002
Michael Jackson doesn't like pop music.
Can we just shoot him now? Please?
Monday, December 2, 2002
Aww, this story's so sweet I'm kvelling.
Monday, December 2, 2002
Vaccineapalooza
First off, a new herpes vaccine seems to work in 70% of women who try it (so long as they weren't exposed before).
Then there's a cervical cancer vaccine, but it would only work in virgin girls, which makes me sad. Fine, abandon everyone else already in the sexual arena as a lost cause, why don't you?
Monday, December 2, 2002
Salon's new "view the ad and see for free" thing.
I know I bitch at great length about paying for pretty much anything online, but I rather like this idea. It's fair, I guess. (Though come on, how many people are going to buy cars upon seeing this?) There's one issue though, it's completely unuseable for me when I surf at work and therefore can't download Flash.
