little ms. "sweet and innocent."

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Special Super Scary Ad Corner!
(Since I just can't keep up with all those advertising links, I've decided for the time being to just make a small pile and throw them in around the end of each weblog page. Or really, the top of them.)

The above link: "The article about Jupiter Media Metrix's conclusion that people are sticking to sites they know and shying away from free-form web surfing is getting a lot of notice. But I haven't yet seen anyone mention what I think may be an important factor contributing to this shift in web habits. (If it's really happening at all, which is far from proven at this point.)
Since I'm always eager to expand my entomological knowledge, I decided to find out what type of beetles they were by using that wonderful free research tool we all know and love (although in an increasingly mundane way), the internet. Google produced a list of sites with info on the various species of beetles; after a little clicking around I discovered that our critters are called Green June Beetles. That's the good part of the web; it really works for stuff like this.
But the page where I found this information (which looked like a kids' research site, possibly high-school level) was unbelievably loaded with every possible annoying, intrusive advertising scam.
To start with, a persistent DHTML layer containing a lottery ad, anchored to the lower left of the window so that it always obscured part of the text. Taking a chance, I clicked on the close box of this demonic little creation, and was surprised that it actually disappeared without taking me to some sleazy website.
The page also spawned two popunder windows, one with that lying You have one message waiting scam, and one for a credit card. And finally, when I left the site, already feeling greatly annoyed at the barrage of sleaze, it popped up another window advertising mortgage loans.
Guess what? This kind of thing is definitely starting to affect my web surfing habits. I don't think it takes an analyst for Jupiter Media Metrix to tell us that if you make enough web sites annoying by overloading them with intrusive ads, habits will change."

"A so-called ''luxury challenge'' on Tuesday's segment had the ''Big Brother'' house guests competing for a shot at a screening of Universal Picture's ''American Pie 2.'' The word ''blockbuster'' was mentioned several times during the competition. Then, immediately following the end of the segment, CBS broadcast a 30-second commercial for Blockbuster Video -- a corporate cousin of the network. Later in the show, producers aired about 10 seconds of the film's trailer.
While the segment seemed to be a well-designed plug for Blockbuster and ''Pie,'' a CBS representative and ''Big Brother'' executive producer Arnold Shapiro both said no money changed hands."

"Television executives are kicking around an advertising idea that would allow sponsors to bombard us with commercials in a new, improved way. They want their messages to be nonintrusive yet inescapable. They want us not to be angry, but to get used to the idea that commercials are going to start bleeding through the programming on TV. If this takes off, it's going to make commercials in movie theaters and ads at gas pumps look almost innocuous.
UPN, the network that welcomed the WWF logo in a corner of the screen opposite it's own logo-laden corner, may soon offer advertisers the chance to put their product symbols on-screen, too, throughout prime time. That is, brand logos could appear not during commercial breaks but while programming is in progress, hovering in those see-through but plainly visible blots in a corner of the screen where network labels have been squatting.
The industry calls them "bugs"; we call them clutter. They are the somewhat faint ad logos and network identifying symbols that have become common blights in prime time.
Somebody pull out the insecticide.
Where once they only hinted at soliciting product placement, now they brag about it. Where once they toyed with putting sponsors names back in program titles - such as Texaco Star Theater - this season a car maker's tagline (Ford's "No Boundaries") will double as a series title on the WB."

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Statue Molesters!

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Tales of the periodic table
This is just so cool! My favorites:

Aluminum: "The only way to protect yourself from mind-control beams is to wrap your head in aluminum foil. Amateurs usually do a half-assed job of this. They cover the tops of their heads, leaving their eyes uncovered, or their nostrils. Don't make this mistake! Devise a periscope for your eyes, or a small television screen cabled to a camera duct-taped to your shoulder. Run rubber hoses up your nostrils so you can breathe. After a day or so, you stop noticing the smell. Swathe your head completely in three to five layers of foil.
There are many benefits to freeing yourself from mind-control beams. Loved ones speak to you more directly. Religious missionaries stop approaching you in airports. Most importantly, the world begins at last to make sense."(This is spookily appropriate to a certain small population of this town...)

Lithium: "The Big Guy's bipolar disorder is the worst-kept secret in existence. Everyone knows how in a fit of mania he created the Heavens and the Earth in only six days. Everyone knows how, in depressive mode, he fell into such a slough of despond that he let that cretinous little toady, Morningstar, torment Job, who was the most faithful of His servants.
Meanwhile, the Kid comes slouching into Heaven (He's having a difficult adolescence), holds up His pierced hands, and says, "Look what they did to me down there! I am, like, so bummed out."
The Archangel Michael casts a jaundiced look his way. "So's your old man," he sneers." (Just like The Onion!)

Beryllium: "On the Gem Planet, the rarest and most valued of all substances is dirt. Just the scrapings from beneath a hobo's nails would bring enough to support him for a year.
At the Ritz-Beryllium, maids place dust-bunnies under the beds each morning. There is always a film of grime on the bureaus and the smudgy patina of fingerprints on the mirrors. The bathtubs all have rings.
It costs a fortune to stay there but, oh, it's worth it! Nowhere else on the Gem Planet can you experience uncleanliness in such joyous profusion. Many people spend a lifetime saving, in order to exult for a weekend in the kind of slovenliness that only the Ritz-Beryllium can provide. Not a one has ever been known to regret the expenditure.
On the Gem Planet, if you call somebody a filthy name, they smile and thank you." (Can I be a maid on that planet?)

Magnesium:"The Invaders were better strategists than any adult human, and better tacticians as well. It only made sense to hand over all the Space Force to one boy and then (so he wouldn't freeze up under the responsibility) keep the reality of the situation from him. "You can have ice cream if you win. With sprinkles!"
"This is a great moment for humanity," he said, tears in his eyes. His thumb moved, inputting orders for the Space Force. Then he frowned. "They're not responding. They're still headed for Earth!"
"Yeah, pretty neat, huh? I figured they're out of fuel, anyway, so they might as well go out with a bang. So I aimed them straight at Home Base."
"But this is terrible! At those speeds, they'll hit us with all the force of so many nuclear bombs!"
"Hell," Under said. "It's only a game." HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
The longer-life pill
"Scientists who studied the genetic make-up of dozens of centenarians said yesterday that they have taken the first step towards creating a pill to make people live longer. Researchers at Harvard University and two Boston hospitals studied the genes of 137 people aged 98 or more, and their siblings, and concluded that chromosome number 4 almost certainly harbours the key to longevity.
In all cases, the people in the study were not only very old, but also active, in good health and so able to enjoy the benefits of living much longer than most people."

Well, if the pill allowed me to keep in shape and not have my brain turn to Jell-O after the age of sixty (this seems to happen in my family; I'd rather be dead than do that, thanks), I'd consider it. If it just keeps me getting older and more decrepit, forget it.

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Layoff survivors have their problems too
"When it comes to what concerns survivors may have, the Andersen and KS&R material found a cluster of top concerns that Detampel says all amount to little more than a fear of being laid off. Survivors have watched their colleagues leave in sometimes wide-ranging layoffs -- they may be left wondering if the same fate doesn't await them.
Detampel makes the point that the rapidly tightened job market can make survivors feel trapped in their jobs.
"One reality," he says, "is that it's taking people longer to find jobs" after being laid off, "a lot longer than we've seen in past years." This perception was borne out in a recent techies.com study that found that 76 percent of tech professionals laid off within the previous six months hadn't found new work, and 65 percent of IT pros laid off for six months to a year still hadn't found new work. Some companies see this as a safety net. 'They're not going to leave' in such a tight job market, 'so why focus on the survivors?' When a management believes its survivors won't leave because the economy is tight, that can taint how that management treats those people." Well, no shit, Sherlock. It's not like job HAPPINESS qualifies as a major issue any more compared to "I may not find another job in an entire year if I lose mine somehow."

On the good news side, layoffs won't be happening so much any more because there's not a whole lot of people TO lay off...

"There has been so much downsizing that 'What's left?' is the real question," she said. "Most companies have cut their staff down to pretty skeletal proportions."

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
The Ultimate Cubicle
"Tuesday morning at IDEO's San Francisco offices, Adams and IDEO officials introduced ``Dilbert's Ultimate Cubicle,'' furnished with simple modular compartments and a handful of technological innovations that will, among other things, alert employees to approaching bosses and even rid the cubicle of guests who overstay their welcome. Consider the 8-by-8-by-8 foot fortress-like enclosure to be somewhere between a prototype and a piece of conceptual art. There are no plans to rush the Dilbert model into production.
``We couched it in terms of basic human needs,'' said Adams, a soft-spoken 43-year-old Danville resident, as he gleefully made himself at home in the new space.
``For sleep, there's the hammock; for eating, there's the storage cooler, so people don't steal your food. And for your need to be loved, there is the cubicle that is glad to see you.''
That would be the electronically wired ``wilting'' pink Gerber daisy that perks up whenever Adams -- or the actual cubicle dweller -- enters the area. The digitally enabled daisy returns to its wilting state when the occupant leaves. (The one feature missing in the ultimate cubicle is the feature most coveted by every cubicle-dweller: A door.)
The design highlight of Dilbert's lair is the floral patterned ``guest'' chair. Sitting in the chair sets off a timer that activates the worker's phone 30 seconds after his or her ``guest'' has sat down for a chat."

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Survivor 3 Tribal Council will apparently take place in the Swiss Family Robinson tree
"In the new scenario, website Futurizmo.com reports, instead of a merger after eight weeks, the last remaining players will be split again - into three tribes, each with an even number of contestants. That way, the ability of "Survivor" contestants to align themselves with and against each other will be severely limited. There are even reports that spies will be used in "Survivor 3" - players who eavesdrop on one team and reveal what they learn to the other tribe."

Wow. Guess they thought people were getting bored of the old format...but man, that just totally screws with how to play the game if they're not going to be able to alliance much. Huh.

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
No more tights for Superman
"A new WB network series called "Smallville" debuts this season, and, for the first time in any medium, it will chronicle the ongoing exploits of the hero sans costume.
The reason? The show's creators say today's teens may be willing to believe a man could leap tall buildings in a single bound, but they're far too hip and media-jaded to accept that he would choose to do so in long johns. "The kids now can't get past that cape," says Miles Millar, one of the show's writers and executive producers. "It is the most recognizable element, yes, but it is also the thing that makes it cheesy."

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Allison Janney is somehow related to Bush. Poor girl.
"Creator Aaron Sorkin says that he and the other producers are so tolerant of the real-life activism of Sheen, who plays President Josiah Bartlet, that they started a bail fund for the actor, who has been arrested 70 times while protesting. "We do a shooting schedule around his arrest schedule," Sorkin quips."

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Zero tolerance run amuck
Man, I'm not even bothering to post example quotes of this any more.

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Ninja dating tips
"The ninja is one of the hardest types of guys to date. These fellas love to assassinate politicians and scale buildings in the dead of night. But beware, behind that rough exterior is a secretive, silent "I'm never going to admit to you that I'm petrified of clowns" type.
Get used to that old master guy hanging around the apartment. He's there to stay. You'll realize soon enough that your ninja boyfriend must pass all decisions by his master. The Master is just like a judgmental mother-in-law, only he's an old man who keeps calling your boyfriend "Grasshopper," and you "Bitchy-san."
When you ask him "Is that a sword or are you just happy to see me," it's a sword.
Ninjas don't like to be tickled. Ever."

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
No, Fox did NOT learn their lesson on the last wedding show.
"FOX is fishing for spouses with the new reality series "I Want a Wife: Alaska," which currently in development at the network. The series, which may air as early as midseason, will follow four urban women to head to the northern state in the hopes of finding their perfect mate." (And presumably don't mind having to move to Alaska.)
"FOX has ordered seven one-hour episodes of the tentatively titled series from LMNO Prods. Details of the show and its competition elements are still being determined, but the concept involves letting the four women select prospective mates from a pool of about 40 men, to be presented in groups of eight an episode.
During each episode, the women will date one man each and then decide whether to "save" any of the men or eliminate them from the dating pool. Before the men learn which of them will go, they will have an opportunity to propose to one of the women, if they wish to do so." Wait a minute: they've had ONE DATE and the men are encouraged to PROPOSE???? Are they completely mental?!?!
"During the episodes, the suitors will have to prove which is the fittest for marriage, as they are put through various contests and challenges designed to prove their virility, among other attributes. The hope is that at least one of the women will accept a marriage proposal, leading to wedding bells for the finale.
FOX executives say "Alaska" won't be plagued by similar problems since the female contestants are calling the shots and there is no obligation for anyone to walk down the aisle."

Since the posts I've seen from Alaskan girls online have all been about how dating sucks ass, I figured this was an interesting er, counterpoint...

"As an Alaskan girl, I must say I was morbidly intrigued by the concept of a reality TV show where the prize wasn't a million dollars, nor half a million, nor even a paltry $50,000 like those nutty Fear Factor guys, but a real live (insert drum roll here please) ALASKAN MAN. Having lived in Alaska all my life and as a single woman, I, of course, have my own opinions as to what kind of prize this is exactly."

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Why I just bought this book: a sampling of the first chapter.
"Here are just a few of the things people said about Mary Ellen Pleasant:
She'd buried three husbands before she turned forty, and in her sixties had still been the secret mistress of prominent and powerful men. At seventy years of age, she looked no older than fifty.
She had a small green snake tattooed in a curl around one breast. She could restore the luster to pearls by wearing them.
Although she worked as Thomas Bell's housekeeper, she was as rich as a railroad magnate's widow. Some of the city's wealthiest men came to her for financial advice. Thomas Bell owed his entire fortune to her.
She was an angel of charity. She had donated five thousand dollars of her own money to aid the victims of yellow fever during the epidemic in New Orleans. When she got to heaven, she would soon have the blessed organized and sending cups of cool water to the sinners below.
She practiced voodoo and had once sunk a boat full of silver with a curse.
She was a voodoo queen and the colored in San Francisco both worshipped and feared her. She could start and stop pregnancies; she would, for a price, make a man die of love.>br> She trafficked in prostitution and had a number of special white proteges with whom her relationships were irregular, intimate, and possibly Sapphic. She was responsible for all of poor Sarah Althea Hill-Sharon-Terry's mischiefs and misfortunes.
She ran a home for unwed mothers and secretly sold the infant girls to the Chinese tongs.
She was the best cook in San Francisco.
Here is what people said about Lizzie Hayes:
She would have married William Fletcher if she could have got him."

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Why broadband's not as popular as it should be.
"For years, industry cheerleaders have promised that high-speed Internet access would let people cruise cyberspace from the fast lane, downloading movies, mixing and matching songs, and conducting face-to-face meetings online.
But hold it.
The broadband revolution is slowing down. Major providers of the two main types of residential broadband technology -- cable modem service, which runs over cable lines, and digital subscriber lines, which use telephone lines -- have raised their prices this year, cutting into consumer demand.
Meanwhile, dozens of Internet service providers and upstart phone companies have collapsed in recent months amid the overall telecom turmoil. That has left the cable giants and the Baby Bells that dominate the broadband scene with less incentive to promote and roll out service.
There are longstanding hurdles, too. Upgrading the old cable and telephone networks to handle cable and telephone networks to handle high-speed data is hugely expensive, and it's taking longer than expected -- especially now that telecom carriers are cutting spending amid the economic downturn.
On the local level, roughly 40 percent of residential customers in the United States do not have cable or phone lines that can handle high-speed data, according to the Yankee Group. Potential DSL users generally must live within 18,000 feet of a ``central office,'' where the phone company consolidates the area's phone lines and stores DSL equipment. For example, as many as three companies might be involved in providing DSL to a single customer -- and they often blame each other for snafus that can take weeks to fix. The frustration has kept some consumers away, although DSL companies say self-installation kits have reduced the time it takes to get connected."

I interviewed a "DSL evangelist" a year or so ago that worked for one of the now defunct companies. This reminds me of that, and makes me kinda sad.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Single mom/ex-waitress becomes a princess
Yes, really, and no, I don't know when the movie will come out. Don't you just love scandal stories?

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
One in 10 girls and nearly one in 20 guys has been abused on a date.
You know, the girls number does NOT surprise me at all, but the guys's does. How sad is that?

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Lifting a sleeplessness curse
Did you know people have been sleepless on this Greek island for 180 years, thanks to a curse? And that the government paid $6,500 to get rid of said curse? In 2001? It took them that long to notice the lack of sleep problem or something?

Meanwhile, A self-proclaimed white witch has been called to Edinburgh Dungeon to exorcise a ghost said to be haunting the attraction's boat ride.
Kevin Carlyon is also going to Scotland to lift the curse on Shakespeare's play Macbeth by summoning the spirit of the real King Macbeth of Scotland, who ruled from 1040 until 1057.
"My guess is that the choice of Friday 13th for their opening day really did unleash a malign presence."

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
The most likely suspect on Small Town X
The biggest problem with the show may be that it worked too hard to cram into the reality TV game show format. Most fans seem FAR more interested in solving the mystery than in who will win the game, and the run of luck Kristen has had (a run no less likely than a couple having four male or four female children, which my own cousin experienced) makes many think the show is rigged.
While I won't say it's rigged, it certainly does hamstring the investigators on many levels.
Remember we only see what Fox lets us. Remember also that the investigators are only permitted to follow tracks assigned by their lead investigator who is controlled by Fox. In an interview, Fredo himself said that, at times, the contestants jumped too far ahead and he had to reign them in because the story wasn't ready for them to progress that far.
The contestants have to be shepherded to certain areas to prevent them wandering into this "Man Behind the Curtain" set-up. They can't rush off and check on a suspect at home or work, because the actor won't be there and prepped."

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Slut

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Kevin Smith's comic on how he met his wife.
I think it's darned cute. (Though I do wonder how much of a clotheshorse she is, given the every page Dolce and Gabbana references.)

Here's a list of Internet resources on Kevin, including the quote game, valentine, and a list of tie-ins between the first three movies. Why I'm linking to this one is for all the bizarre sexual references- Joey Lauren Adams apparently had sex with herself in a different role, everyone's boinked the same people, boinked lookalike people...Example: "The actor who played Rick Derris in Clerks also appears in Chasing Amy as the bystander sitting next to Holden at the hockey game where Holden finds out that Alyssa had sexual relations in the past with none other than Rick Derris himself."

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Gotta get the ring right
"For women: Pretend you don't care, and you might end up with something that you hate, that doesn't suit you, that's just plain ugly. Make too big a deal, and you come across as spoiled and materialistic.
"The thing is, it makes people seem shallow," says one recent bride. "But it's also important that you like your ring, because you're going to wear it every day for the rest of your life."
For men: There's the pressure to deliver that perfect ring, hopefully the only one you'll ever buy and your intended will ever wear, and get it right on the first try. Consider that most men have given no more thought to diamonds in their entire lifetime than the average sea urchin. Further consider that many women don't want their husbands choosing their handbags, yet the guy is expected to shop solo for a major piece of jewelry his bride is expected to wear in perpetuity."

I think that less surprise and more post-proposal shopping might be in order... as well as sites like these that let you design your own (anyone remember that one I did back in May?).

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Gay guys on the tube
"Bunky had nobody fooled. When the hirsute homosexual weepily confessed to his housemates on CBS's "Big Brother 2" that he was - gasp! - gay, he raised not a single eyebrow. That's because Bunky, who did all but prance around in a feather boa and sing show tunes, is as queeny as they come.
But what's more wrong is that Bunky, a decidedly gay man in a committed relationship, felt the need to hide his sexual orientation not only to his bozo roommates but to millions of television viewers. This is, after all, the 21st century where coming out is perfectly acceptable.
Or is it?
The Bunkster is just one of a number of gay characters on TV who, despite all evidence to the contrary, are not out and proud.
The problem in depicting any minority group is showing only one kind, he said. "When you get right down to it, there was really nothing wrong with Amos and Andy being shiftless and lazy. The thing that was wrong was that at one time they were the only African Americans on TV," said Thompson, a professor at Syracuse University. "The more gay characters you get out there, you see a fuller spectrum of that group. If they were all like Jack [`Will & Grace'], then there would be a problem."
"I think that showing a range of different types of gay characters on TV - both out and proud, or closeted to their families or at work - is a fair and accurate depiction of our community," Adams said. "It's important to show that there are still people in the closet because in America today there are many states where you can still be fired for simply being gay. People are still being bashed and hate crimes are committed against people who are gay or perceived to be gay. And unfortunately, families still reject teenagers who want to come out of the closet."
Range, however, can sometimes translate into extreme opposites, especially where reality TV is concerned. Bunky is so flamboyantly, over-the-top gay that he probably fulfills a stereotypical depiction of gay men with his constant crying jags and continuous deferral to the hetero buff boys of the "Big Brother 2" household. (USA Today's TV critic Robert Bianco was so annoyed by Bunky's embarrassing blubbering that he wrote last week: "For heaven's sake, sob boy - butch it up.")"

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Dirty words on television
"Comedian George Carlin used to joke that there were seven words you can never say on television; he later expanded the list to 10. That was in 1972. Four of those words are now part of the TV lexicon, and producers will continue to see what other language and phrases will fly.
"Given the 143 (Emmy) nominations a show like The Sopranos has, a word that every 10-year-old hears in the schoolyard shouldn't be that much of an issue," (Bochco) said.
Meanwhile, in the pilot for Ellen DeGeneres' new CBS sitcom, The Ellen Show (8 p.m. Fridays, WISH ), DeGeneres' character tells her ex-high school beau, "Don't eff it up." His response: "You can say 'fudge.' " Nancy Tellem, president of CBS Entertainment, said she has her doubts whether that line will make it onto the air.
"But at 9:30 at night, something as innocuous as 'screwed your brains out,' which just about every 8-year-old or 9-year-old in America has heard, (should make it on the air) -- especially when network television is competing with cable and films. I can't tell you that there's anything more frustrating as a comedy writer than sitting in a room and having a character say the word 'friggin'."

Note the general point these people are making here: 8-10 year olds KNOW THOSE BAD WORDS. They've heard them before, plenty of times. Heck, I agree with that- not only have I seen little kids on campus referring to bad words, I personally learned 95% of the bad words in the world before the age of ten right at home from Dad. (But you knew that, right?) I used to refer to him having yet another case of the gdf's because he'd use those words in quick succession many a time when pissed off.

Okay, so there may still be a few sheltered (and probably religious) children out there who may not know the words and MUST BE PROTECTED FROM EVIL, but the writers do have a point: it's not like those words aren't all over the place in public anyway.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Gotta love tourism. Or uh, not.
"Visitor numbers to a cavern have jumped by more than 30% since its name was changed to the Devil's Arse.
Co-director Jeremy Gosling said the name Devil's Arse comes from the "farting" noise made when water which has built up in the cavern drains away."

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
This bunny is so cute!
I used to program stuff like this back in elementary school, but I wasn't this good...

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
South African men are the world's biggest bastards.
Surprise, Americans didn't win this one! We even came in third!

Naturally, the SA men were thrilled to receive this honor. The Aussies were a surprise second place, mainly for the more than 20% who would post sexy pictures of their ex online, and the other 20% that would send them to the girl's parents. Watch out, those of you with Aussie exes with cameras...

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Scary celebrity stories
First up is 17-year-old Taran Noah Smith (the little one on Home Improvement). Remember how weird and kinda scary his character got as he got older? Man, this seems to have carried on. He married a 33-year-old in hopes of getting emancipation from his parents (and get into his trust fund), which he's already lost out on once.

Then there's drunk drivin' Natasha Lyonne, whose words to the cops were: "I'm a movie star. Can I talk to my entertainment lawyer?" Bleah, now I feel sick. And I thought she was cool.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Operation: Donate a Buck to Bill Gates
"Objective: To help Bill Gates recoup the massive amount of money he loses whenever small charities make copies of his already purchased, outdated software while trying to assist desperately poor children."

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Bad news for stem cell research/Bush is all jerky
(The second subject is mentioned with the first in the second article. Bear with me here.)

"Most or all of the human embryonic stem cell colonies approved for research funding under a new Bush administration policy have been mixed in the laboratory with mouse cells, which may create substantial hurdles for scientists trying to turn the colonies into treatments for Parkinson's disease, spinal-cord injuries and other aliments.
Because they have been in close contact with mouse cells, the human cells pose a small but real risk of transferring potentially deadly animal viruses to people. Because of that, under guidelines the Food and Drug Administration has been developing for several years, it would be difficult, though not impossible, to use the cells in human clinical tests. They would likely rule out some groups of patients who might otherwise be eligible to participate in human stem cell tests -- notably, for instance, young diabetes patients whose disease can be treated in other ways.
Jay Lefkowitz, a White House adviser who helped craft the Bush policy, said the administration was aware that the stem cell lines Bush approved for funding had been mixed with mouse cells and would come under the FDA's xenotransplant rules."

Now I read that paragraph and got all irritated thinking that they'd known that BEFORE the announcement and were doing it just to screw people over. Upon more reading, it isn't quite like that (thank the gods), the second article explains it more. However, there's also quite a bit about Bush being jerky that, well, I had to...

A presidential milestone passed almost unnoticed Friday. For the first time in the history of televised news conferences, a president of the United States made fun of a bald person.
The moment arrived as the press conference in Crawford, Texas, was going poorly for George W. Bush. He had just struggled through an answer about why he had believed there were 60 stem-cell lines that could be used for finding cures to debilitating human ailments, from spinal-cord injuries to Alzheimers disease. Bush, who had made his intensive personal research into the stem-cell issue a counterpoint to critics who consider him intellectually lazy, put the blame for this crucial oversight on scientists at the National Institute of Health. He said they came into the Oval Office and they looked me right in the eye and they said, We think there is ample stem cells lines to determine whether or not this embryonic stem-cell research will work or not.
But Bush, acting like an excited party guest who couldn't keep a funny comment inside, interrupted the reporter to deliver the punch line. A little short on hair, but a fine lad. The young reporter paused and acknowledged meekly, I am losing some hair.
The event of a president mocking someone for an appearance - in this case, thinning hair - might have seemed odd if it had come from any other national leader. Even during stressful times, other presidents have avoided such cheap shots in their public comments, apparently understanding how hurtful a personal insult from a president can be - and from a sense that such comments could diminish the office.
Ribbing the young Texas reporter for his thinning hair fits with a long pattern of Bush making others the butt of his jokes. Sometimes the comments seem playful, such as giving reporters slightly demeaning nicknames. Other times, they have a touch of malice.
Early in Campaign 2000, Bush was traveling around with conservative writer Tucker Carlson, who was preparing a profile. Carlson later recounted Bush's ridicule of convicted murderer Karla Faye Tucker as she pleaded for her life. Asked about her clemency appeal, Bush mimicked what he claimed was the condemned woman's message to him: With pursed lips in mock desperation, [Bush said,] Please don't kill me."

"President Bush would like to give every American citizen a nickname. He believes his gift for coining folksy epithets has eased tensions with prickly leaders like Vladimir "Rootin Tootin" Putin and Yassir "Thats My Baby" Arafat. He also thinks it has cemented his political alliances with Tom "United Airlines Regrets This" DeLay and Trent "I Fart A" Lott.
Citizens who fall under more than one category will receive compound nicknames. For example, Tiger Woods is a wealthy man of African/Thai/Native American ancestry. Hence, the nickname "Chief Chinese Charley Buddy Cool Breeze" would replace the more formal "Tiger." As for Americans who belong to none of these categories we must use all resources at our disposal to shield the President from them.
The President believes the nicknaming of America will result in a warmer, friendlier, more accessible Bush administration. And so I am drafting mandatory sentencing guidelines for those who resist it.
Regards, Dick "The Sicker Ticker" Cheney"

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Analysis of the Never Call Back treatment
"But look out if you try it from three dates on. Unless it is very, very obvious to both parties that the relationship should be allowed to die from benign neglect, an NCB after three dates tends to throw women into a homicidal rage. This is especially true when the last communication between the two parties goes something like this:
She: "I had a great time."
He: "Me too. I really enjoyed myself. You're great. Let's do this again soon. How about sometime next week?"
She: "Sounds good."
He: "Okay. I'll call you at the beginning of the week and we can make a plan." (Kiss goodnight.)
Based on that exchange, a reasonable person might expect to get a call at the beginning of the week, hence the confusion and disappointment when this call fails to materialize. But to the expertly trained ear, the above conversation carries many of the warning signs that an NCB is imminent. Take the comment "You're great." It's a dead giveaway. Those words mean, "I'm proactively trying to make you feel better about yourself because I'm not going to call." Second, let's analyze the phrase "Let's do this again soon." For reasons that I have yet to uncover, this phrase is always spoken before an impending NCB. Lastly, the unwillingness to set a definitive time for the next date before the end of the current date, while not in itself an absolute indicator of an NCB, is the nail in the NCB coffin when coupled with the other signs."

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Bye, bye, privacy
"Ruling on a case of government eavesdropping, the Pennsylvania Supreme Court has ruled that individuals have "no reasonable expectation of privacy" when answering telephone calls made to their own home, according to a legal industry newsletter.
The "Legal Intelligencer," in a story carried on the website Law.com, said that the state's high court, in a "fractured" 4-3 ruling, noted that "the methods of telephone communication widely used today" - including speakerphones and cordless - phones precluded any privacy expectations.
The majority said that a person has no idea who may be listening in on the other end of the phone line and, therefore, cannot believe the information being discussed won't be revealed.
"A telephone call received by or placed to another is readily subject to numerous means of intrusion at the other end of the call, all without the knowledge of the individual on the call," wrote Pennsylvania Supreme Court Justice Ralph Cappy for the majority. "Extension telephones and speakerphones render it impossible for one to objectively and reasonably expect that he or she will be free from intrusion. The individual cannot take steps to ensure that others are excluded from the call."

While I can't totally deny their point, blaming it all on cellphones and speakerphones? The hell?

Sunday, August 26, 2001
The Physics Chanteuse
While at the Davis Star Show today (happily, I didn't have to run around frantically covering it like I did last year, so I could see the later talks), I ended up seeing Lynda Williams do her "Cosmic Cabaret" show. She sings songs about science, and I ended up buying her CD (you can also check her songs online, and stuff like Einstein's Angels. There's great lines, like in High Tech Girl- "Boys may come and boys may go / and thats all right you see, / I'm too busy making tenure / to have a family." and my favorite, Carbon is a Girl's Best Friend - "A lithium dose just might cure your depression / but carbon is a girls best friend. / Gold may be grand but it won't start a fire in your / BBQ or put the toot in your choo-choo." There's also the Black Hole Disco and the Time Warp with Kit. This girl rocks. That's all there is to it. From her FAQ: "I had a professor who was sexist and elitist but with a good sense of humor about it. Once he made a mistake on the board and I pointed it out with the preface "I may be just a stupid woman but shouldn't that divergence on line two equal zero?" The men in the class shuddered but the professor laughed. He got it. He was trying to change.
People can only liberate themselves by speaking truth to power. I know that one of the reasons I have had the success I have had is because I wear a cocktail dress. It is a novelty to see the juxtaposition of a smart woman who is also sexy - people act like I am the bearded woman in a freak show. It is so ridiculous. It is going against a stupid cultural stereotype - a stereotype I am trying to destroy. Just because I have a cocktail dress on and have big boobs doesn't mean that I am not smart and shouldn't be taken seriously. Furthermore, just because I am black or gay or latin or not a scientist, doesn't mean I am stupid and shouldn't be taken seriously."

Sunday, August 26, 2001
So Wil Wheaton got a website, and everyone's talking about it.
"Today, amidst almost no fanfare, TV's Wil Wheaton launched his web site: WIL WHEATON DOT NET. The former child star and failed Alligator wrestler had built the site himself, much to the chagrin of his wife and step-children.
"Don't talk to me about that [expletive] web site," Wheaton's wife, Anne said earlier today.
"All he does is sit at that stupid computer," Wheaton's step-son Ryan said. Step-son Nolan could not be reached for comment." (Wait a minute...Nolan...Ryan...)
"Reached at his sprawling Los Angeles Estate, Wheaton pushed aside a super model, and told reporters: "Get the hell out of my house before I release the hounds!"

Since leaving TNG, Wil has explored a number of different career options. In 1993, Wil put everything he had in a storage locker at Los Angeles Union Station, and tried life as a hobo, riding the rails across the US.
He settled in Florida in early 1995, where he found work at The Waffle House, on route 90. Wheaton had found his calling, it seemed, until a tragic accident known only as "the pigs-in-a-blanket-fiasco" drove him out of the Waffle House, and, ultimately, out of Florida completely.
Heartbroken and disillusioned, Wheaton returned to Los Angeles, and reclaimed his place in the spotlight by writing clever biographies for former child actors.
Wil is currently a writer and performer with the acme comedy theatre, and was recently called "rather remarkable" by the LA Weekly. Upcoming roles include the romantic lead in the dark comedy "jane white is sick and twisted" and a guest starring lead on PAX TV's "Twice In A Lifetime".
Wil currently lives in That Spooky Old House On The Edge of Town. He knows exactly what it is that you're up to, and your parents are going to get a phone call from him. And don't make that face. He can see you, mister, and you're not fooling anyone."

"We've got a celebrity who installs his own GreyMatter weblog, visits Memepool, tells people he took Ashley Judd to bootytown, pays a quarter to his kids when he's caught saying "monkeyfucker," and makes macabre jokes about dead costars. He should be cherished as a national treasure."

Amen, brother. This is hilarious.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
The obligatory, two days late and LONG roundup of links ripping on Gary Sleazebag Condit
"Soooo...anybody watch Gary Condit and Connie Chung last night?" (Not I; I decided it would be more constructive to spend the night drinking.) "I didn't watch it because I pretty much KNEW how it would go. Twenty million people tuned in...but what in the world were they expecting him to say?
CONNIE: "Did you kill Chandra Levy?"
GARY: "Yep."
CONNIE: (frazzled) "Ohmigod! How??"
GARY: "I sexed her to death."
CONNIE: "Ohmigod! I can't believe you're admitting this to me! You DO know...those ARE TV cameras pointed at you."
GARY: "Yep. I'm tired of hiding the truth, Connie. I sexed Chandra Levy to death and then I dumped her body in a lake."
CONNIE: "This is incredible! This is going to make me a huge star! This is..."
GARY: "PSYCHE!!! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!! Had ya goin' there, didn't I, Connie??"
Sorry, but anybody that thought there were going to be some huge revelations during that interview needs their heads examined. You could probably get the list of 11 secret herbs and spices out of the corpse of Colonel Sanders easier than you could get the truth out of Gary Condit."

You could read the letter to his constituents first, but you probably already know before you click what it'll say, and you'd be right. Yada yada I care, yada yada I helped really I did, yada yada I'm innocent. Did you expect anything more? Neither did I.

What's the point? "There are few things more ridiculous in this media age than a network groveling to provide airtime to someone so he can tell us he has nothing to tell us.
Of course, no matter what the format, there was never any realistic chance of the interview living up to expectations that it could break this case open. If Condit is not involved in Levy's disappearance, then he has nothing to say and if he is, there's nothing he's going to say."

"Bill O'Reilly referred to that letter as "the biggest bunch of garbage in the world."
Several times Chung ballyhooed the interview by saying Condit would be "breaking his silence" on the show. But he didn't really break it so much as bend it as far as it would go.
Host Charlie Gibson said there weren't any ground rules (except for the "unedited" stipulation), but Condit kept making up ground rules as he went along, saying he wasn't going to go into details about this, wasn't going to go into details about that.
Condit was not paid for the interview, but if he had been, Chung should have demanded her money back right there on the air."

The transcript: "CONDIT: But um, out of respect for my family, and out of a specific request from the Levy family, I think it's best that I not get into those details uh, about Chandra Levy.
CHUNG: Congressman Condit, do you recall when ... it was during President Clinton's impeachment hearings, you called for, and I quote, "The public airing of every detail of his affair," saying, quote, "only when we strip away the cloak of secrecy and lay the facts on the table, can we begin to resolve this matter." Shouldn't those rules apply to yourself?
CONDIT: Well, I've watched that clip, and I've heard that quote. My view of thatis it's taken out of context. The fact of the matter is ... is that the Starr report was there. And the Republicans were drip, drip, drip, releasing that report, and it was embarrassing ...
CHUNG: (Overlap) But we want to talk about you and not President Clinton.
CONDIT:(Overlap) Well, let me finish. Yeah, let me finish ... because it relatesto President Clinton. And I asked that the Starr report, along with other people, be released in its total, so that we could get to the impeachment hearing. And the real issue here, that the media seems to have forgotten in this report many times, is that I voted four times not to impeach President Clinton. That's the real issue." (Um, no it's NOT.)
"CHUHG: However, don't you realize that part of the reason why you're in the situation that you're in is because that there have been ambiguous or uh, evasive answers to specific questions?
CONDIT: Well, there has been no evasive, uh, answers to specific questions by me. I have, I have ...
CHUNG: (Overlap) Right now there is, sir."

You know, I've heard (and think it's true) that the Levys said no such thing about privacy to him. I mean, come on, it was one of their family members who came out with it all in the first place; it's not like they don't know already. Bullfuckingshit, that's an excuse, and an obviously lame one at that.

"Over the last 100-odd days, Gary Condit has faced perhaps a dozen separate instances in which he had to make statements to the press or have representatives do so on his behalf. In every one of those cases Condit or his representatives have either struck the tone least suited to the moment or acted in an ill-considered and even self-destructive manner which quickly landed him in even more hot water than he was to start with.
If you believe that Gary Condit is innocent of any involvement in Levy's disappearance (and that's certainly not an unreasonable assumption) some of these decisions may be understandable and perhaps even, in some abstract sense, correct. But in terms of public perception and saving Condit's career they were uniformly foolish."

"In the event we saw a craggy, prematurely aged boy-man, distracted and wide-eyed, attempting to craft Clinton-like lies with a patina of principle.(Since, like Clinton, he's obviously not a man of principle, the contention seems forced.) Condit is a hapless, timeless character, Errant Man in all his shabby, decayed, defiant glory.
Condit's strategy is a mystery. He really does act more like a criminal than a politician caught with his pants down. He is not contrite. He's stolidly defiant. He almost seems to believe what he is saying. The contention that it's just about a person's private sex life, and beyond public purview, is wrong for a number of reasons. For the first, he's already been caught. We all know what he was doing; it's an insult to our intelligence for him to stonewall.
Second, he's a family-values politician who's supported sticking the Ten Commandments up in classrooms. And is there any better image of Christian hypocrisy than a Bible-waving pol shtupping at least two women not his wife?
A Condit elected on a platform of "I'm going to fight for your interests and my God-given right to boff 24-year-old interns" would be a man we could trust."

The police comment: "Terrance W. Gainer, Washington's deputy police chief, disputed Condit's assertion of early and complete cooperation with investigators following Levy's disappearance on May 1.
"It took us three interviews and a lot of effort to get as far as we got," Gainer said.
And Condit said he did not impose the strict secrecy rules that Zamsky said Levy related to her, rules that Smith, who claims a 10-month affair with Condit, also described. One of those rules was that when heading to a meeting with Condit, the woman was supposed to carry no identification. "I never, ever told anybody not to carry their identification," Condit said.
Levy's identification, packed bags and other possessions were in her apartment when police searched it.
Gainer, Ramsey's deputy, reiterated that Condit is not a suspect. But he criticized the congressman for suggesting that police were unfair to his wife when they had her fly to Washington for an interview with investigators. "He's about the last person who should be saying someone else was unfair with his wife, don't you think?"

The pundit reaction: "The Chung interview, said University of California, Berkeley, political scientist Bruce Cain, was "horrible" for Condit. He couldn't even own up to things that are kind of common knowledge," such as the affair with Levy."

"For the rest, they had to find new and entertaining ways to say that Condit had, let's call it, a credibility problem. People like Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, the jury analyst who worked with the O.J. Simpson defense team, went for the jugular.
"We saw another politician," Dimitrius said, "who thought he could get away with being a politician."

The Chung reaction: "He was determined to say what he wanted and no more."

Update: "Poor Gary Condit. How outraged he must be that he has to deal with people who don't understand that he is more important than they are.
During his ABC television interview Thursday night, Condit claimed that he wouldn't disclose whether he had an affair with Levy, in part, he claimed, because of a specific "request by the Levy family." The Levy family, of course, denies making such a request; the parents have been doing nothing but charging Condit with having an affair with their daughter for months.
But we do know that even now, after his never-all-that-secret life (because he was an open philanderer) has been revealed to all, Gary Condit has shown America that he sees his feelings as more important than the feelings of his wife, his children and his mistresses, and even the parents of his missing mistress. To Condit, the only good people are people who are willing to do what it takes to help Condit thrive politically."

No wonder Gary Condit passed his personal lie detector test. To fail one of those things, you have to have a heart that beats. You've got to have a pulse.
Watching Condit in his long-awaited interview with ABC's Connie Chung last week, I kept thinking, is this guy human, or is he some soulless drone, a robotic machine repeating lines fed to him through a computer cable?
Even if you believe Condit's version of his first conversations with Levy's mother, he looks awful. He is saying that when this distraught mother called him, the mother of a young woman who was inexplicably missing, he played "20 Questions" with her.
Susan Levy, according to Condit, knew her daughter was having an affair with a congressman, but didn't know which one. She went down a list of names, and Condit, apparently, told her he didn't think her daughter was sleeping with any of them, or he didn't know.
"She named some people who she thought might be involved with Chandra," Condit told People Magazine. "My name was not mentioned."
Even if you can understand how a man caught in that situation might not be forthcoming, Condit, even in hindsight, seems to have no remorse for his caddish behavior.
"I never lied to Mrs. Levy at all," he said on ABC, as if that is all that matters. "I'm sorry if she misunderstood the conversations."
Unlike President Clinton, whose lies and parsing of language Condit seems to be aping, this guy can't even feign concern. Their motives may be similar, but there's nothing in Condit's predicament that makes people pity him. The more he twists in the wind, the more you get the feeling that he is getting exactly what he deserves."

"What if it could be proven — beyond a shadow of a doubt - that he had nothing to do with Ms. Levy's disappearance? What then? We already have learned that this guy can't be trusted."

This next paragraph I find interesting: "Rep. Scott McInnis, R-Colo., proposed a dating ban for all lawmakers; married and unmarried, similar to one that prevents lawyers from dating clients or doctors from becoming romantically involved with patients. Under his plan, relationships between members of Congress and interns would be "strictly prohibited." It's gone nowhere. In fact, it's been ridiculed as too obvious, unnecessary and unenforceable."

Obvious? Well,duh, just like these affairs have been. Unnecessary? I beg to differ, given the latest hullabaloos. Unenforceable, however, is what scares me...it's THAT widespread they can't enforce it? *shudder*

Saturday, August 25, 2001
All hail the white man!
"A state representative forwarded an e-mail to fellow lawmakers this week that claimed, "Two things made this country great: White men & Christianity."
Rep. Don Davis, a white Republican, said he received the letter Friday and forwarded it to every member of the state House and Senate. He said he didn't consider the letter racist. "I just put it out for information. People can read into it whatever they want to," Davis said.
"There's a lot of it that's truth, the way I see it," Davis said. "Who came to this country first -- the white man, didn't he? That's who made this country great."

A few hours later... "The only reason the document was forwarded to each of you was for information and to show the type of messages that come across the Internet. My purpose in sending out the e-mail was for no other reason and was not intended to be indicative of my personal views. In fact I made no personal comment with the e-mail, it was simply forwarded as information only."
Bullfuckingshit!

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Oh, the trauma of having hippie parents.
"If it feels good, do it: a rallying cry of the '60s and the root of a lot of really awful parenting. Jackson may have been admirably comfortable with his body, but like many children of hippie parents, he was in the dark about some very basic social rules, such as the one that says don't jack off in public.
Sure, the benign neglect of hippie parenting had some side benefits. If you wanted to stay home from school, you could -- as long as you had a really good excuse, such as, "I just can't get behind school today, Mom."
I can't remember the first time I smoked pot, though I do remember getting a joint for my 7th birthday, all wrapped up in a pink ribbon. And the love was certainly what they called "free." My mom tells me it was considered impolite not to sleep with someone when they asked politely.
The trouble really started when Dad got a VCR. He quickly amassed a large collection of movies, most of them pirated and hand-labeled, and he didn't bother to segregate the porn. Some, like "The Young and the Hung," were easy to avoid. Others were more worrying. My brother and I would consult each other over ambiguous titles like "12 Angry Men." We finally got up the courage to watch that one, but no way were we going near "The 400 Blows." We loved "Arsenic and Old Lace," but it was kept right next to "Run, Little Sailor Boy, Run." Once we put in the wrong tape, and were treated to the sight of a guy being fellated in an alley. "I don't think that's Alec Guinness," said my brother."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
The Onion on human cloning
"We really have no idea what kind of profound ramifications this could have on future generations, and on life on this planet as a whole. Let's find out."

"Cloning forces us to ask some hard questions. For example, which person, the original or the clone, gets to wear the goatee and be evil?"

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Family Found Alive in Suburbs
"The Holsapple family, long feared missing or spiritually dead, was found alive in the Chicago suburbs Monday, somehow managing to survive in the hostile environment for more than eight years.
Upon discovery, the family was rushed back to civilization. Attempts to reassimilate the Holsapples into metropolitan living with a trip to the Art Institute of Chicago and dinner at a nice Peruvian restaurant were met with resistance.
"When we got to the museum, the family became quite agitated," psychologist Dr. Allan Green said. "Jay kept calling all the modern art 'weird' and Meredith said, 'If we wanted to look at art, we could just go to Deck The Walls at the mall.'"
Green feared that the family was not ready to rejoin urban life after having received little or no cultural stimuli in the suburbs for nearly a decade.
"We were going to ease them into it, perhaps with a marginally artsy movie like Being John Malkovich," Green said. "Then Kimberly kept complaining that she missed 'Ashley' and wanted to go home. At first, I thought we'd left one of the family members behind, but then she said Ashley was a friend. I was shocked to learn of whole tribes of suburban dwellers, people who live their entire lives there."
"The world is full of strange, isolated cultures, but the American suburbs are unique among these in that virtually no culture exists there," Green said. "Even the Eskimos living in the most barren, remote Arctic regions have whale-bone art and beautiful storytelling traditions. The odd part about these suburbanites is how, unlike the Eskimos and other isolated groups, they live in close proximity to places brimming with art, life, and vitality. Yet somehow, they shut all of it out. We don't know the reason for this, but I don't think anyone wants to spend enough time in the suburbs to find out."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
The AOL CD protest has gathered...25 CD's.
"Only 999,975 more CD's and we go marching."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Luann kissed GUNTHER??? What was she thinking?!?

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Where do you take a girl who's in need of help and can't go home?
Not to any of those agencies, that's for sure.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Live web art recycled from web cams

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Redneck Driver's License Application

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Wife issues
"Me, a wife!? I thought to myself. My associations with the word were fairly grim: It was one syllable away from housewife, with whatever pejorative connotations that carries; there was wife-beating, Henny Youngmans oft-repeated Take my wife, please, and the vaguely terrifying Stepford wife."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Man criticizes Bush to his face, Bush acts, well, like you might expect him to act.
I'm not sure if I would actually have the nerve to say something, but when else would this guy get the opportunity to criticize the "president"? Write a letter that he'll never read and may not even hear about? Big whoop. Protest in the streets? Hah. It sounds to me like if this is true, the guy took an opportunity that almost nobody ever gets to have. And I kinda admire him for that. I suspect that Bush usually ignores criticism, so I kinda like the idea that he had to deal with it to his face. The purported remark sounds like something he'd say. I know it's a case of he-said, other-side-didn't-say, but then again, isn't that the point of the story in a way?

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Principal undergoes a sex change AND is allowed to keep her job!
Okay, so the principal had tenure and maybe that kept her in office and they might have wanted to boot her otherwise, but so far parents aren't freaking out and we don't have another Dana Rivers case on our hands. They're not telling the kids, though (elementary school).

Saturday, August 25, 2001
How close that Pink Floyd/Wizard of Oz thing really is.
Just in case you're curious.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
I already saw it
"That forward? I got it. I've gotten it. I do not wish to keep receiving it. I was neither moved nor inspired. It was neither clever nor funny. I was not amazed at the stupidity of that criminal, nor disgusted, appalled, and chagrined by the United States Government. I do not marvel at how inexpensive things used to be, nor am I astonished that kids today don't know about things that happened before they were born." (Damn straight. I am SO SICK of the last one being sent to me specifically because I hang around older people on the Internet. Hey, it's not like I can't read a history book or ask somebody, or perhaps actually heard about it on my own...I may be kinda young, but not a total ignoramus. Today's high schoolers aren't all ignoramuses either.)
" I will not be starting or stopping the consumption of any product or service due to the information you provided me in your forwarded email. I will not be winning any contest not will I submit any data for market research. I will not be subverting AOL, Microsoft, Disney, the IRS or any other entity through the continued transmittal of your bogus message. I boycott your boycotts.
I will not sign up for whatever affiliate program you've got in your email signature. I do not marvel at The Way Things Used to Be. Change your homepage to snopes.com.
I do not care about your heart-warming bullshit, for I am a stone and my heart is cold. Genuine friendships are characterized by emails that are written and sent for me and to me." (DAMN STRAIGHT!!!!!) "I do not want to be made aware you were thinking of me, I will not stop to smell the flowers, I will not count my blessings, and I live in neither the best nor the worst country on Earth. Jesus and I have a policy of mutual apathy toward one another. That kitten is not cute. Your baby is not the first to walk, talk, or use a toilet. God is a hoax.
My answer to your questionnaire is: No. My favorite color is: No. My favorite song is: No. I do not care what tree, dog, fruit, Power Ranger or member of the Mos Eisley Cantina Band I most resemble. There Is No All Your Base. I have seen the End of the Internet page, and that wasn't funny last time, either. I find recantations of "lookit how funny those foreigners are!" xenophobic, trite and tiring.
I think I'm done now. Please attribute this to Dave Barry and Kurt Vonnegut and then forward this to everyone in your address book."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
A real reality beauty pageant
"Interview: Ask each contestant what she intends to do if she wins the coveted title of Miss America. Automatic disqualification for any woman who mentions "helping children" or "world peace." Extra points for any contestant who is honest enough to say "Cash in, baby."
Swimsuit: Make it a challenge. Have them walk around a construction site."

Speaking of beauty pageants, my roommate wanted to watch Miss Teen USA and make fun of it the other night, and man, was that disappointing. Beyond the constant mini-concerts they held every few commercials (what is with THAT?) and the even more constant "contestant conversation" pieces (who cares?), they had no talent portion, which I think is damned important to show America. I want a beauty queen who can demonstrate she has some sort of public skill beyond walking and talking while flashing her boobs, for godsake! That and the winner's hair was just annoying; the Colleen haircut is fine on a tropical island, but just looks messy and distracting in a fucking beauty pageant.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
What a shame they won't promote such a moral song on the air correctly.
"THE music video for the hit song "Because I Got High" - which had been banned from MTV - has finally won approval from the music channel.
The song chronicles how smoking marijuana destroyed the singer's life and showed scenes of people smoking pot - which is barred under MTV's strict rules about video content.
Now the video will be aired because most direct references to smoking were edited out."

But...but...it had morals, man! It taught kids that smoking pot was bad! How could you?!

For those of you wondering, here's the original, which features some big ol' joints.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Oh, for God's sake, they really ARE going to do this.
"The producers of Danger Island ( www.DangerIsland.TV ) are proud to announce that Lou Ferrigno, star of The Incredible Hulk and a former Mr. Universe who is widely regarded as the largest body builder in the world, has agreed to appear as a ManHunter on the show.
When asked if he anticipated any other celebrities appearing as Manhunters on the show, executive producer John Surowy responded, "Absolutely! We're getting calls from major motion picture celebrities you wouldnt believe- male and female stars." God help America.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
A young person's guide to chastity belts

Saturday, August 25, 2001
The Distorted Barbie Project

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Being a black woman attempting to date a black man.
Very well done.

On a contrasting/not so contrasting note, there's this: "My family's worst fear is that I will bring a black person home. We argue about it quite often. "What's wrong with bringing someone who isn't Chinese home?" "Let it be white, at least." Oh. I see. If he's white, then he is better? If he's white, then there will be less cultural differences? If he's white, then what?!? It's every family in America's worst fear that their daughter will bring home a black boyfriend. Because that would mean bringing home a drug-dealer-gang-banger-and-welfare recipient home. If I must marry out of my race, it could be white. Because that would mean bringing home a white-collar-polite-and-handsome person home. They joke about it a lot in my house. I know deep inside they are cringing at the thought of me walking through the front door with a black man. So, they've declared that I will not be allowed to bring him inside the house if he's black. That I will be kicked out of the house. That my children will not be allowed to sit at the same dinner table."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Pictures from the UC Davis fashion show I was in are up...
and NOT A ONE OF THEM IS ME! DAMMIT!

However, I will be fair and link you to my three favorites.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
The culture jammer's encyclopedia
It's very odd.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
O, the joy I take in reading this.
"Oprah Winfrey was slapped with a lawsuit by a German fetish magazine yesterday for using the "O" magazine title that the Germans have owned for 14 years."

Irrefutable Evidence That Oprah Winfrey is Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor: "The Oprah Book Club has become a modern-day allegory for a powerful Ring: an ideological circle of New Age (read Middle Earth) spells and curses, wrapped in a pretty package of self-help covers. Capture the Ring, and you could become one of the most powerful cult figures in the world. Destroy it and you could spell Oprah's demise. I don't have to tell you: One Ring to rule them all."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Over 78 days of ripping on a politician in the paper

Saturday, August 25, 2001
The Cusack presidential campaign update

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Toldya personal ads were bad
"My high hopes of finding someone online? They have been lowered significantly. OK, I'll be honest: They're gone. But since my membership on udate has not yet expired, I can't remove my screen name or profile from the site. I did, however, delete my picture and change my profile. I am now a 5-foot-tall, 240-pound, tattoo-bedecked bisexual Bulgarian mud wrestler with a three-day beard. Sassy? How about Scary? If that doesn't say 'so long udate," I don't know what does."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Scientologists at work
"All new hires at e.Republic, a publishing company based in Folsom, California, are required to not only read the book, but also take a course based on its contents, which--notwithstanding the grandiose description above--reads much like the same kind of hokey training materials that millions of workers try to avoid daily, except Hubbard's methods have the higher goal of improving conditions in your business, your life and on Earth in general.
That, of course, is a big goal. More practically, the book, which mentions in the Forward that Hubbard founded Scientology, serves as a hearty welcome to those who join e.Republic. Once employed, whether they also join The Club is a different matter entirely. The Club, as some current and former employees call it, has at least one requirement--that you practice the religion of Scientology. To those who don't want anything to do with the Hubbard training, to say nothing of the Scientology religion, the prevalence of all things Hubbard can be disconcerting. The vast majority of management at e.Republic are Scientologists. It fosters a level of paranoia because you feel like if you speak out against how much Hubbard stuff is in the training you think they'll come after you, says one worker who spoke on condition of anonymity. They pressure every employee to take Hubbard-based training."

Honestly, I about pee my pants LAUGHING every time I read what the ultimate teachings of Scientology are. How people take this seriously, I'll never know. I may be a fan of science fiction, but I don't actually THINK IT HAPPENED. And this is so badly made up, even...

"The ultimate teachings of Scientology hold that an evil tyrant named Xenu collected all the worlds beings 75 million years ago. He then chained all the beings to volcanoes all around Earth, where he dropped hydrogen bombs on them. Next, Xenu captured the beings thetans and implanted them with sexual perversion and other afflictions to make the thetans forget what he had done."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Boys are the weaker sex?
This is weird and sad.

"Across the country, boys have never been in more trouble: They earn 70 percent of the D's and F's that teachers dole out. They make up two thirds of students labeled "learning disabled." They are the culprits in a whopping 9 of 10 alcohol and drug violations and the suspected perpetrators in 4 out of 5 crimes that end up in juvenile court. They account for 80 percent of high school dropouts and attention deficit disorder diagnoses. And they are less likely to go to college than ever before. By 2007, universities are projected to enroll 9.2 million women to 6.9 million men.
Girls now outnumber boys in student government, honor societies, school newspapers, and debating clubs. A recent study found girls ahead of boys in almost every measure of well-being: Girls feel closer to their families, have higher aspirations, and even boast better assertiveness skills. "I regularly see girls who are both valedictorian and captain of the soccer team, but I almost never see that in boys," says Leonard Sax, a family physician and psychologist in Poolesville, Md."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Woody Allen is just ganky. Bleah.
"But isn't it time for Woody Allen to stop casting himself as irresistible to every younger woman he shares the screen with? In "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion" Allen dates Elizabeth Berkeley, is propositioned by Charlize Theron, and then has Helen Hunt fall madly in love with him. Part of the joke of Theron's attraction to Allen is that she finds him repulsive, but their scenes together still play more like his fantasy. (Especially since she's so tall she looks like she could just flick her finger and knock him to Cleveland.) "

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Which little boy will grow up to be president?

Saturday, August 25, 2001
White Lesbian Name Generator
I'd be "Yoni WildThunder." Good lord. How weird is this?

Saturday, August 25, 2001
here's a way to get out of a (Hong Kong) jail quicker: be foreign.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Peter Stringfellow is launching a new perfume called Lapdancer.
"The 60-year-old nightclub boss has reportedly slept with more than 2,000 women and says he knows what a woman finds attractive." He's currently dating a 24-year-old.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Oh, these kids are going to have SUCH issues when they grow up...
"A baby girl has taken first prize in a bonny baby contest, while her identical twin was knocked out in the first round.
Mum Claire Frith is amazed the two girls, who dress alike and are almost indistinguishable to strangers, got such different amounts of phone votes.
"When they're old enough I'm going to have to explain to them what happened. I just hope it doesn't cause any friction." Um, yeah, good luck with THAT...

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Condoms 64 years past their use-by date are up for sale.
WHY?????

Saturday, August 25, 2001
The good news: it's cheap rent.
The bad news: many cars actually HIT this house, and there's nothing anybody can do to stop it.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
The family values conspiracy
"The "Family Values" campaign was not designed by complete idiots. It was designed by savvy jerks who know full well that the hard-won victories of the civil rights movement and feminism cannot be reversed in a society that celebrates its diversity, particularly its family diversity. The powers that be have tried to fool us into thinking that they really care about things so mundane as who we sleep with, that they've got some kind of concern for our "moral" well-being. In reality, a diverse population is just a heck of a lot harder to control than a patriarchal, white-supremacist one. If women are empowered at home, we aren't going to take any shit at work, or on the streets. If kids aren't used to being unquestioningly obedient at home and at school, they're never going to behave as quietly oppressed citizens.
Consider all of the assaults on women's reproductive freedom. Arguments about "baby killing" may help the right-wingers convince their rank and file that abortion is wrong, but since when did our government hold life sacred? (Hello, gagillion dollar military budget...Hello, death penalty). Even if these boys thought that abortion was murder, what's another dead baby in the whole scheme of things? Really. It's about control."

Saturday, August 25, 2001
Domesticity and Me: a column
I normally leave columns up a bit before I start a new page, but this one I think needs to be in a separate space. It's about my issues with housewives, domesticity, and female upbringing, with a bunch of links hitting various notes as well. However, those who are housewives and/or truly love domesticity may not/will not like this, and will probably in fact be irritated/pissed off. You'd probably be happier not reading it. (Not that my saying this would dissuade folks if they're perverse enough, but fair warning should be given.) Those who have read this for awhile (or just seen me post stuff/talk on chat) may already have a sense of how I feel on the whole domestic woman issue, but this goes into more detail as to why I feel the way I do. Anyway, it's up to you if you want to read it. Those of you who went ahead and read it during the middle of my putting it up before (you sneakies!) may want to read it again; I added a few new things in tonight before switching the page location.

Saturday, August 25, 2001
My third advertising weblog can be found here.
Just in case you missed it.